( bell ringing )
D-ohh!
( screams )
Ah... this place is going to smell classy all week.
To Homer-- the Wall Street genius!
Yay! Yeah! All right.
Ah, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Hey, Homer, how come you got
money to burn, or singe anyway?
Yeah Homer, what's your secret investment?
Take a guess.
Uh, pumpkins?
Yeah, that's right, Barney.
This year, I invested in pumpkins.
They've been going up the whole month of October
and I got a feeling
they're going to peak right around January
and, bang! That's when I'll cash in.
To Homer, and to Sergeant Pepper
who is growing out of the middle of your back.
Uh, Barn, you got to unwrap the plastic
before you smoke these.
To Homer. Yeah!
Man: Way to go, Homer!
Homer, you knuckle-beak, I told you a hundred times
you got to sell your pumpkin futures
before Halloween, before.
Alright, let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers.
I can get by with one.
Oh, how am I going to tell Marge we're broke?
I need a miracle.
My house is on fire!
Whoo-hoo! Insurance to the rescue!
( groans )
Both: Hello, Homer.
Marge, we had a deal.
Your sisters don't come here after 6:00
and I stop eating your lipstick.
This is a special occasion.
Patty and Selma just got promoted at the D.M.V.
Yeah, Homer.
Let your wife have a glimpse of success for once.
All right.
That's the last straw.
Time to take out the trash, but first
I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
( both grunt )
I'm sorry.
Homer doesn't mean to be rude.
He's just a very complicated man.
Wrong!
When are you going to wake up
and smell your husband, Marge?
Granted, you got some kids out of him,
but when the seeds have been planted,
you throw away the envelope.
I wish you wouldn't put Homer down like that.
He may not be a big success like you, but I can always count on him
to provide for the family.
Oh, sweet, trusting Marge, I can't let you down.
I'll get some money somehow.
Hello. Vegas?
Give me a hundred bucks on red.
D-ohh! All right, I'll send you a check.
If only I could think of an invention.
Something that would really make money.
Must concentrate and work harder than I've ever worked...
( snoring )
Congratulations, Mr. Simpson.
This invention of yours
has made us all rich, especially you.
It's simple yet ingenious
and it fits right in the palm of your hand.
Every person in America now owns one of these
and in many cases, three or four.
Could I just get a look at that?
Why would you need to see it?
You're the genius who invented the product in question.
But, uh, could I just..?
Now don't worry, you'll get to see it
just as soon as we unveil our new ad campaign.
Ooh! Ooh!
Let me see! Let me see! Out of the way!
Homer!
Homer, wake up!
There's still a few minutes till our usual bedtime.
Ooh, my invention!
All my money problems could have...
Money problems? Homer, are we
in some sort of fiduciary trouble?
Oh, Marge, my loyal wife,
of course not.
And Lisa, my little princess
and who could forget dear Rat Boy?
Rat boy? I resent that. ( chomping )
Bart, I told you before--
stop gnawing on the drywall.
What a day, eh, Milhouse?
The sun is out, birds are singing.
Bees are trying to have sex with them--
as is my understanding.
It is a gorgeously fabulous day.
Marvelous even.
So, uh, what's your hurry to get to school?
Nothing.
What's your hurry?
That's enough, Bart.
Fun is fun, but if we're late,
we're going to get in trouble.
You're right, Milhouse.
Funfun.
( whistling )
Skinner: Attention, students. It's time once again
to choose a gym class for the coming term
so let's all prove how adult we can be
by filing to the gym in a calm and orderly manner
even though it's first come, first serve,
and the most popular sports fill up fast.
( screaming )
Aargh, too many wee ones!
This gets uglier every year.
Any sign of Bart and Milhouse?
No. And if they don't get here soon,
it'll be T.S. for them.
( grunting )
I don't feel right.
( bell ringing )
Do you hear that, Bart?
That was the tardy bell.
"Truant! Truant! Truant!" They'll all say.
( screams ) Aw, who needs him?
I can have fun all by myself.
( high voice ): S'all right?
( low voice ): S'all right.
S'all right? S'all right.
( snickers )
Sure Homer, I can loan you all the money you need.
However, since you have no collateral,
I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.
Gosh Moe, I use these all the time.
Couldn't you just bash my head in?
Hey, hey, are you a loan shark?
Do you understand how finance works?
Now, let's do this thing.
( children chattering )
Oh, no.
It's P.E. sign-up day.
How could you forget?
They had signs posted all over the library.
Better sign up for something fast, man.
Baseball just filled up... Ow!
So did tae kwon do.
Uh...
Oh...
( groans )
Oh...
There's only one class left
but it happens to be the coolest one of all.
Ballet?
Dancing is for girls.
Well, you should have gotten here earlier.
Uh...
I need another extension on my mortgage payments.
I understand that Mr. Simpson, but according to our computer
your credit history is not good.
It says here that you've been pre-declined for every major credit card.
It also says that you once grabbed a dog by the hind legs
and pushed him around like a vacuum cleaner.
That was in the third grade.
Well it all goes on your permanent record.
I'm sorry, but if you don't come up with that money by tomorrow,
the bank is going to take your house.
Well, good luck finding it
because I'm gonna take the numbers off tonight.
We'll look for the house with no numbers.
Then I'll take off the numbers on my neighbor's house.
So then we'll look for the house next to the house with no numbers.
All right, you'll get your money.
You're my last last chance--
bottom-of-the-barrel, hail-mary
longshot-wish-you-would-do-it but-probably-won't
final resort to lend me money.
We'll take care of you.
Yes, care.
( evil laughter )
( chuckling )
( laughing harder )
( bellowing )
Cut him a check
and get him the hell out of here.
What a wonderful dinner. What a beautiful family.
Someone get a picture of me with my arm around this steak.
You're certainly in a good mood tonight, Dad.
Well, Lisa
I managed to solve a little problem today
and to celebrate, I'm going to tilt my chair.
Mmm, slanty.
( growling )
Patty, Selma? What are you doing here?
We thought we'd stop by unexpectedly for dinner.
Now bring us some extra chairs like a good blubber-in-law.
Time to fertilize the lawn.
A couple of 500-pound bags should do it.
Homer, be careful with my sisters' heads.
Their necks are brittle.
That's okay, Marge. Nothing's broke--
except Homer.
( gasps ) What's that supposed to mean?
It means...
( muffled )
It means these two fabulous babes
are staying for dinner.
( both gasping )
Now, there's a stink I could have done without.
This has been such a nice, peaceful dinner.
It calls for a celebration.
I'm going to make
the most international coffee in the house--
Montreal Morn.
All right, you had your fun.
Now get lost.
Oh, our fun hasn't begun yet.
Huh?
We know something you don't want Marge to know.
Now we own you
like Siegfried owns Roy.
I'm sorry.
All we have is Nescafe.
I'm very, very sorry.
Oh, Marge, Marge.
You're just in time.
Homer's getting ready to give us a foot rub.
You are?
No! I... uh...
I'm giving them a foot massage.
At least let me have that.
You can start with the corns.
Then you can move on to bunion country.
Okay. Steady, Bart.
Taking ballet doesn't make you any less of a man.
( snickering )
( Russian accent ): All right, girls.
Today we learn the dance of the fairy queens.
You can either be a fairy or a queen.
It's wide open.
( groaning )
And what have we here?
A young man maybe who thinks he can be the next Baryshnikov?
I don't want to be the next anything.
I'm only taking this stupid class because they made me.
So, he has fire in the belly.
But it will take more than belly fire to be the next Baryshnikov.
Look, Boris, I think ballet's for sissies.
( laughs )
Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined--
but for the sissies...
Never.
Now, put on this fuchsiatard.
You, are a fairy.
( groans )
Quitting time.
Let's go Homer. On the way home,
we're stopping at Moe's for a Zima.
Maybe I'll just stay and work overtime.
My sisters-in-law are at my house again.
Homer, quit wallowing in self-pity.
Pull yourself together and come get drunk with us.
Is something wrong, Mr. Simpson?
I don't like wearing tights, ma'am.
But so many of your heroes wear tights.
Batman, for example
and... Magellan.
I don't like this cootie platoon and I never will.
I'm out of here
and I'm out of this stupid outfit.
( groaning )
Wait.
Joy of movement increasing.
Love of dance, impossible to resist.
Toes twinkling!
Look at me, girls.
I'm doing ballet!
And I... love it!
Hmm. Am I wrong
or did it just get fatter in here?
Request permission to slink by.
Permission pending.
First...
light our cigarettes.
But you're already smoking cig...
( both clearing throat )
You're really pushing it.
Come on, Homer.
You can't spell "obsequious" without "i-o-u."
I'll have to trust you on that.
Marge was always a good speller.
Let's ask her.
No! Don't tell Marge. I'll be good, I'll be good.
Ah, ah, ah, ahh...
Just for that, you have to crawl around on the floor
like the dog you are.
( stammering )
Yes, ma'am.
( Patty laughing )
Now say
"I am Homer Simpson
the lowly dog"
in a dog's voice.
I am rrr-omer rrr-impson.
Good. Jump, Homer, jump.
What's going on in here?
Rabso-rutely rothing, Rarge.
What's that paper? What paper?
( gasps )
Homer.
Is this projection accurate?
Did you borrow money from my sisters?
I don't know Marge. I can't be expected to keep track
of all my wheeling's and dealings.
He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns.
( gasping ): You told!
Sorry, Marge.
( kissing )
( angry grunt )
I never want to see you again. You either.
Homer. Homer, why didn't you tell me?
I was ashamed, Marge.
I failed you as a husband and a provider
At best, I was a "b+" dog.
I'll understand if you wanna sleep on the couch tonight.
( door slamming )
How's Dad today?
Not too good, Lisa.
Frankly, he's underneath the table.
Homer: Nobody make me any breakfast.
A man so deeply in debt doesn't deserve it.
But I like to make you breakfast.
Homer: In that case, I'll just have French toast
with double butter and a side of bacon.
But no powdered sugar-- I don't deserve it.
Maybe a little powdered sugar.
See that?
I started to do, like, a little arabesque
but then I just fully went for it
and pulled off the demi-entrechat.
Not that I'm into that kind of thing.
Bravissimo, Bart!
Next week, class gives its first recital
and you, you will dance the male lead.
Dance in front of my whole school?
What is it with you and ballet?
I know you have great conflict, Bart.
You love ballet,
yet you fear the boys will laugh at you. No?
No. I fear the girls will laugh at me.
I fear the boys will beat the living snot out of me.
Hey Dad, what you doing?
Daddy has very important work to do.
He's looking through the want ads
to find a part-time job.
Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival.
Oh. No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected
World's Greatest Sex Machine.
Aw, I'll never pay off that debt.
Need money fast?
Got no experience?
Step up to elegance.
Become a limo driver at Classy Joe's.
That's it! I'll make money with a chauffeur job.
Good thing you turned on that TV, Lisa.
I didn't turn it on. I thought you turned it on.
No. Well, anyway, turn it off.
It i off.
You're gonna have to work hard to win this crowd over.
Most of them are here as part of detention.
Pretty big crowd.
Hm-hmm. We even bussed in troublemakers
from other schools.
( gulps )
That spiky-haired, masked dancer is really something.
I wonder who he is.
He's graceful, yet masculine
So it's okay for me to enjoy this.
This reminds me of the movie Fame
and to a lesser extent, the TV series
which was also called Fame.
Oh, wow. I can't believe
my very first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks.
I loved that movie Young Frankenstein.
Scared the hell out of me.
Um, thanks.
Let's do that 2,000-pound-man thing.
I'll be the Carl Reiner guy, and you be what's-his-face.
Homer, it's not that easy.
It takes the genius of Carl Reiner
and the rhythm and timing that only he and I...
Sir, today every country has a national anthem.
Did they have national anthems 2,000 years ago?
( Yiddish accent ): Sure. Sure we had. Of course we was caves.
But every cave had a national anthem.
I'll never forget my cave's national anthem.
What was that national anthem?
* Let 'em all go to hell
* except Cave 76.
( siren wailing )
Vat's with..?
What's with the siren?
Evening, Simpson. You got a short in your taillight.
Started blinking when you made that turn.
Let's see your Chauffeur's License.
Chauffeur's License, eh?
Mel, buckle your borscht belt!
( engine revving )
Since you're trying to make a getaway in park
I'm guessing you don't have a license.
Better head down to the D.M.V.
These two broads will help you out.
( shrieking repeatedly )
Wow. Officer, this man is making me a little edgy.
Could you please give me a ride to the airport?
Hey! Hey! You're Mel Brooks!
Sure. I'll give you a ride.
Thank you.
On the way, we can do that 2,000-dollar-man thing.
( groans )
You be Carl Reiner
and I'll be Police Chief Wiggum.
Listen, why don't you play Carl Reiner and let me play Police Chief Wiggum?
I hate Carl Reiner.
I haven't been moved like this since the Joy Luck Club.
( audience oohing )
Bart: They love me. I'm accepted.
I don't need this mask anymore.
Behold, the masked dancer is me, Bart.
( all gasp )
It is I who have won your acclaim.
Bart does ballet!
He dances like girls!
Ha, ha!
Go ahead and laugh
but I took a chance and did something I wanted to do.
And if that makes me a sissy, well then, I guess I'm a sissy.
He's a sissy.
Let's rush him.
( boys yelling ) Yeah, let's get him!
Come on!
After him, go!
Uh-oh.
There he is! There, right there!
Bart, use the ballet.
Leap, leap like you've never leapt before.
( crashing )
( Bart groaning )
Looks like he took a pretty bad spill.
Well, as long as he's hurt.
Bart, I am so proud of you.
You've shown a sensitive side of yourself
that can never be erased.
From this day forward, we are kindred spirits.
Why did she just leave me here
when I clearly need medical attention?
Stupid driving test at the stupid D.M.V.
Where stupid Patty and stupid Selma work.
Sometimes, I think God is teasing me
just like he teased Moses in the desert.
Tested, Homer. God tested Moses.
Try to be nice to my sisters.
Very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
Oh..Okay, Marge. I'll get along with them.
Then, I will hug some snakes.
Yes, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes!
Now, that's sarcasm.
Well well, well. Look who needs us again
to get his Chauffeur's License.
Look, all I ask is that you be fair.
Oh! Did not adjust side mirror-- minus one point.
Failed to check blind spot-- minus two points.
You won't be happy till my family thinks I'm a loser, will ya?
You a a loser, Homer.
And we're winners. Ya gotta learn that.
Seat belt twisted-- minus one point.
Nagging the driver-- minus ten points for you!
Grazed a cone-- minus five points.
Being a jerk-- minus a million points.
- (stifled) D-oh! - One more wrong answer
and Homer flunks another of life's little tests.
And what's this? Ohhh...
Someone didn't fill in a circle all the way.
Oh!
( growls )
Selma: Oh.
Oh, boy. Oh, that felt good.
Let me try.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, boy.
Oh, that was so sweet.
So Homer, how did you do? Well, I...
Ladies, please don't tell me you're smoking
in a government building
because that is precisely the kind of infraction
that can cost a couple of sisters their promotion.
Uh... Uh...
Yeah, oh, what? You mean, uh...
( both stammering )
( snickering )
( sighs )
I'll never forgive myself for this.
Wait a minute.
Those are yours, sir?
Yes.
( coughs )
I am in flavor country.
Both of them?
( coughs )
It's a big country.
Ladies, I apologize.
And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.
Oh!
Homer, I'm...
I'm speechless.
You just saved our hides.
Please, on top of everything else, don't make me picture your hides.
That's a wonderful thing you did for my sisters.
I didn't do it for them.
I did it for yo Marge.
I'd kill for you.
Please ask me to kill for you.
No, Homie. You see?
This is the stuff I've been telling you about
that you never see.
Homer...
We're... sorry.
If there's anything we can do to make it up....
Call off the debt?
Or, say we could let you
pass your driver's test.
Call off the debt?
Uh... well...
Debt's off. Let's go, Marge. Whoo-hoo!
( tires squealing )
Shh!