D-ohh!
( screams )
Hello. I'm Kent Brockman, and this is Eye on Springfield.
* theme music
Tonight, we'll visit Springfield's answer
to the Benedictine monks... the Rapping Rabbis.
* Don't eat pork
* not even vit' a fork
* Can't touch this!
Marge, are we Jewish?
No, Homer.
Whoo-hoo!
Mmm...
But first, we all stink.
We all... hey!
That's according to a national survey
ranking Springfield as the least popular city in America.
In science, dead last.
I'm telling you people
the Earth revolves around the sun.
Burn him!
What a story!
You've stolen my soul!
In culture, dead last.
Eleanor, we've got to do something
about this depression,
so I propo--...
Oh! That's right, I'm crippled.
This is terrible.
People will start to avoid Springfield.
But what can I do?
I'm just...
one... one man.
I think we should call a town meeting.
If we don't do something soon, we won't get any tourists at all.
No tourists?
I'll be ruined.
Maps to movie stars' homes!
Mapas por las casas de la cineastas.
Top-u stah noh cheezu map-u.
Excuse me. Are you Drew Barrymore?
What? Get out of here.
I'm hung over.
Sorry, Miss Barrymore.
What?
Quimby: Are there any
suggestions for how to attract more tourism?
The easiest way to be popular
is to leech off the popularity of others.
So we propose changing
our name from "Springfield"
to "Seinfeld."
I may be just a boy, but I have an idea.
If I may, I'd like to show you a few slides.
Here's Springfield as it appears from space.
Somewhere in this windy valley is the Lost Dutchman's Mine.
Young man, that appears to be a picture
of your rear end.
So long, suckers!
Whoa!
Aw! This is the last time
I use an escape plan devised by Milhouse.
Uh, sorry, Bart.
I'm Marge Simpson, and I have an idea.
( all groaning )
Marge is going to say something.
Now I know you haven't liked some of my past suggestions
like switching to the metric system...
The metric system is the tool of the devil!
My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead
and that's the way I likes it.
The old person's remarks will be stricken from the record.
Who said that?
But my new idea is different.
I think we should hold a film festival
and give out prizes.
Could we make our own movies and enter them?
Yes.
At last, an excuse to wear makeup!
All in favor of Marge Simpson's film festival idea...
All: Film festival!
You like my idea?
Actually, I have several others...
All: Don't push your luck!
( groaning )
And.. action!
Hello. I'm Bart Simpson.
In the past, I've brought you such classic films
as Homer in the Shower and Homer on the Toilet
and now I give you The Eternal Struggle.
( grunting )
"Relaxed fit," my Aunt Fanny.
Stupid Dockers.
( grunts )
Oh, the belt is buckled.
( laughs )
( grunting )
Now Maude, in our movie, you lay baby Moses in the basket
then put it among the reeds.
Okay? Lights! Camera!
A-diddily-doddily- doodilly-action, Jackson!
(gasps)
Help me-e-e-e-e-e!
Flanders to God, Flanders to God.
Get off your cloud and save my Todd!
( thunder rumbling )
( sighs )
All: Yay!
Thanks, God.
Okely-dokely.
What are you doing, Ma?
I'm looking for a film critic to help judge our festival.
Did you know there are over 600 critics on TV
and Leonard Maltin's the best-looking of them all?
Ew!
Welcome to Coming Attractions.
I'm your host, Jay Sherman.
Thank you.
Tonight, we review
an aging Charles Charlesronson in Death Wish Nine.
I wish I was dead.
Oy!
But first, we have a special guest.
Rainer Wolfcastle--
star of the reprehensible
McBain movies.
Jay, my new film
is a mix of action und comedy.
It's called McBain: Let's Get Silly.
Did you ever notice
how men always leave the toilet seat up?
That's the joke.
Man: You suck, McBain!
( screaming )
And now, my Woody Allen impression.
"I'm a neurotic nerd
who likes to sleep with little girls."
Man: Hey, that really sucked!
The film is just me in front of a brick wall
for an hour and a half.
It cost $80 million.
How do you sleep at night?
On top of a pile of money
with many beautiful ladies.
Just asking.
Eesh!
I like him-- he's smart, he's sensitive
he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance.
My ears are burning.
I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
My ears are really burning.
I wanted to see inside, so I lit a q-tip.
Marge: Dear Mr. Sherman, on behalf of the people of Springfield
I would like to invite you to judge our film festival.
You can stay with us
and enjoy the sights and sounds of the country.
Homer: Marge, is this a pimple or a boil?
Marge: Just a minute, Homer.
Look what you made me write.
Anyway, we think you'll really enjoy our quiet little town.
Sincerely, Marge Simpson.
Hmm... do I really want to leave Manhattan?
Sherman, I just realized, you insulted me.
Now you will die.
Uh, hey, Nudnick, your shoe's untied.
From here, they appear to be tied
but I will go in for a closer look.
Taxi!
To the airport!
On closer inspection, these are loafers.
Man 1: Attention. The flight from New York has arrived.
Man 2: Hey, I'm landing here!
It's supposed to say Jay's name, not yours.
Oh, you're right.
There you...D-ohh!
Just a second.
That's it... D-ohh!
Hello.
I'm Marge Simpson, and this is my husband, Homer.
Nice to meet you, Marge.
I saw your hair from the plane.
And you must be the man who didn't know
if he had a pimple or a boil.
It was a Gummi Bear.
Coming up next-- The Flintstones
Meet The Jetsons.
Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon crossover.
Bart Simpson, meet Jay Sherman, the critic.
Hello.
Hey man, I really love your show.
I think all kids should watch it.
Ew... I suddenly feel so dirty.
I don't know what's happening.
It seems our profits have dropped 37%.
I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir.
Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre.
I ought to club them and eat their bones.
Heh-heh. Well, maybe this film festival could help us.
A film biography might let them get to know the real you--
virtuous, heroic, nubile...
You left out pleasant!
But I like that film biography idea--
a slick Hollywood picture to gloss over
my evil rise to power like Bugsy or Working Girl.
Get me Steven Spielberg.
He's unavailable.
Then get me his
non-union Mexican equivalent.
Listen Señor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me
what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
Schindler es bueno.
Señor Burns es el diablo.
Listen Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod.
We're both factory owners.
We both made shells for the Nazis
but mine worked, dammit.
Now go out there and win me that festival.
Homer, the guest should get the last pork chop.
But I'm still hungry.
( snarling )
( growling )
( both barking )
( whining)
Mr. Sherman
I understand you have two Pulitzer Prizes.
Well, it's not like I carry them around with me.
Ooh, it's so hot in here.
Oh, look, here's my People's Choice award.
Five Golden Globes.
Hmm...
Where's my Emmy?
Thank you.
Yeah, well, I won
the belching contest at work.
( belches )
( all laughing )
Very nice, Homer.
( loud, deep belch )
( car alarms wailing )
Lisa: Wow, how many Pulitzer Prize winners
can do that?
Just me and Eudora Welty.
( doorbell rings )
Oh I invited my sisters over.
Ooh, sisters.
Allow me.
( Jay screaming )
So then I said to Woody Allen
"Well, Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre."
So original.
Marge: How droll.
Yeah, well, "Scooby-doo can doo-doo
but Jimmy Carter is smarter."
( wind blows )
Okay Sherman, you're a movie expert.
So tell us, who's gay?
Oh, I don't know.
Harvey Fierstein.
No!
Who else?
Uh...
( whispering )
Oh, MacGyver's gay.
( growling )
( whimpering )
( giggling )
You badmouthed MacGyver, didn't you?
( babbling )
Homer: What you doing, Marge?
Making out the jury list for the film festival.
Mayor Quimby, Krusty, Jay...
( giggles )
Marge, do you respect my intelligence?
Yes.
Okay. Wait a minute.
Why did it take you so long to say yes?
No reason.
Okay.
Wait a minute.
Are you humoring me?
Yes.
Okay.
Wait a minute. That's bad.
Look, I know I'm not witty like that critic guy
but does he know all the words to the Oscar Mayer song?
* Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener *
* that is what I'd truly like to be *
* 'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener *
* everyone would be in love with me... *
( howling )
That's it, Marge.
He knows the whole hot dog song.
Go ahead. Sleep with him.
I'll just take a lock of your hair
to remember you by.
It's just you and me now, lock of hair.
You don't have to do this.
Yeah? Well you think I'm stupid.
I don't think you're stupid.
Prove it-- put me on that film jury festival thing.
Fine, you're on the jury.
( sighs )
Sir, the actors are here to audition
for the part of you.
Excellent.
( slurping )
Next.
Exc-ell-ent.
Next.
Exactly... D-ohh!
Next.
Excellente.
Es muy bueno.
Oh, it's hopeless.
I'll have to play myself.
Oh, I thought they were playing
the Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight.
Our first film is by Indian director
Apu Nahassapemapetilan
Bright Lights, Beef Jerky.
Help! Help! Police!
I got problems of my own right now.
Oh boy..This is going to get worse before it gets better.
( applause )
Next, we have Moe the Bartender in Moe Better Booze.
* Money gets you
* one more round, drink it down *
* you stupid clown
* Money gets you one more round *
* then you're out on your ass.
Whoa!
Ah, my back!
( applause )
This contest is over.
Give that man the $10,000.
This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos.
But the ball... his groin.
It works on so many levels.
Roll it again.
Next, they're going to show my movie.
You made a movie?
I made a movie?
No wonder I was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.
My name is Barney Gumble.
I'm 40...
I am single...
and I drink.
There's a line in Othello about a drinker.
"...now a sensible man
"by and by a fool
and presently a beast!"
That pretty well covers it.
It's brilliant.
Savagely honest, tender...
he has the soul of a poet.
You're very kind.
Excuse me. Did something crawl down your throat and die?
It didn't die.
My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.
Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting.
Is it, or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?
Don't cry for me.
I'm already dead.
( cheering )
( honking )
I think we have a winner.
What'd I miss?
Homer! Please pay attention.
There's just one more movie.
Simple villagers, I promise you.
I will close plants in America and bring work here.
Viva, Señor Burns.
All: Viva! Viva!
Whoa!!
We did 20 takes, and that was the best one.
Remember, Elliott.
I'll be right here.
Pure egotism.
Self-indulgent tripe.
I don't care what they say.
I'm going to win this festival.
Drink up, Judah Ben-hur.
You truly are the king of kings.
Excellent.
All: Boo!!
Smithers, are they booing me?
Uh, no, they're saying, "buu-urns, buu-urns."
are you saying "boo" or "buu-urns?"
all: Boo!!
I was saying, "buu-urns."
Alright it's time
to vote for the grand prize.
I vote for Barney Gumble's
sensitive, yet unfortunately titled film Puke-a-hantas.
Second.
Well I vote for Burns's movie.
Me, too. Now let's get going.
I got a date with Eudora Welty.
( loud burp )
Coming, Eudora.
Excellent.
Bribing those two judges has paid off
just as it did
during the Miss Teen America pageant.
How can you vote for Burns's movie?
Let's just say it moved me...
to a bigger house!
Oops! I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.
Oh, dear.
Two to two.
Well Homer, it all comes down to you.
Football in the groin!
Well, we're not going to resolve this deadlock any time soon.
Why don't we all take a five-minute break?
It'll clear our heads.
Good idea, Marge.
My mind is going a mile a minute.
I knew this would happen.
I put you on the jury
and you vote for the stupidest film.
I have every right to be on that jury
even though I got there
by sleeping with the head of the festival.
How many times have I heard Rex Reed say that?
Aw great, now you're going to make fun of me.
No, Homer, I won't make fun
but I will suggest that there may be better things in life
than seeing a man get hit in the groin with a football.
Nelson: Ha, ha!
Well, Homer?
Marge
I've got some serious thinking to do.
Hmm... Barney's movie had heart
but football in the groin had a football in the groin.
Barney: Don't cry for me.
I'm already dead.
Wow. I'll never drink another beer.
Beer here!
I'll take ten.
And now
to announce the winners.
The award for Outstanding Animated Short goes to:
Itchy and Scratchy for their film
Four Funerals and a Wedding.
( laughing )
( gasps )
And now, the winner of the grand prize.
( drum roll )
Barney Gumble.
( cheering )
( moans )
Homie, you voted for the right movie.
I'm glad you were on the jury.
Aw... you know something, Marge?
It's not that tough being a film cricket.
I've learned I have a gift to share with the world.
From now on, there'll be a new Barnard Gumble--
hard-working, clean and sober.
Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your grand prize--
a lifetime supply of Duff beer.
Just hook it to my veins!
Lisa: Good-bye, Mr. Sherman.
If I ever play Carnegie Hall
I'll give you a call.
If you ever want to visit my show...
Nah, we're not going to be doing that.
Well Jay, I hope you tell your New York friends
people in small towns aren't as dumb as they think.
Marge, look.
This has spring snakes inside
but the suckers will think it's beer nuts.
Mmm, beer nuts.
D-ohh!
It was a lovely festival.
The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found
there are some awards that can't be bought.
And the Oscar goes to...
I've got to win this one.
I bribed everyone in Hollywood.
George C. Scott in Man Getting Hit by Football.
( grunting )
( cheering )
Arr! My groin!
( moaning )
Shh!