( bell ringing )
D-OHH!
( screams )
WELCOME TO THE 6:00 NEWS IN OUR BRAND-NEW STUDIO.
LOOKING GOOD, SPRINGFIELD.
( crowd shouting )
IN TODAY'S NEWS, A TWO-TON RHINO ESCAPED FROM THE SPRINGFIELD ZOO
BUT ZOO OFFICIALS WERE QUICK TO ACT
AND PETUNIA, AS SHE IS KNOWN, IS SAFELY BACK IN CAPTIVITY.
IN OTHER NEWS, A THREE-TON RHINO
THAT ESCAPED FROM THE ZOO LAST WEEK
IS STILL AT LARGE.
Marge: WHO BROKE MY VASE?
Lisa: WHO TOOK MY TEST PAPERS
OFF THE REFRIGERATOR AND TORE THEM UP?
WHO SPREAD GARBAGE OVER FLANDERS' YARD
BEFORE I GOT A CHANCE TO?
OH, PLEASE. THIS IS SENSELESS DESTRUCTION
WITH NONE OF MY USUAL SOCIAL COMMENTARY.
( growls )
IF IT WASN'T YOU, THEN WHO WAS IT?
( growls )
WELL, I'M SURE THESE THINGS DIDN'T DESTROY THEMSELVES
NOW, DID THEY?
DID THEY?!
( growls )
HMM. I GUESS
BART'S NOT TO BLAME.
HE'S LUCKY TOO, BECAUSE IT'S SPANKING SEASON
AND I GOT A HANKERING FOR SOME SPANKERING.
( barks )
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO ENERGETIC TODAY, BOY
BUT PREPARE TO BE WORN OUT.
( barks )
WHAT'S WRONG, BOY?
GETTING TIRED?
( laughing ) ( laughing )
( panting playfully )
( barking )
I THINK THERE'S REALLY SOMETHING WRONG
WITH SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER.
HE WAS UP BARKING ALL NIGHT
AND DUG UP THE BACK YARD
WORSE THAN EVER.
Lisa: MY BONGO DRUMS!
Bart: MY STROBE LIGHT!
Homer: MY BEST OF RAY STEVENS FEATURING "THE STREAK" ALBUM.
SO IT WAS THE DOG THAT BURIED OUR STUFF.
YES. THE DOG.
Homer: OH, MY GOD!
HE'S GOT THE PRECIOUS
CABLE TV CABLE!
Always use fresh macaroni.
If the box rattles, throw it away.
Chief Wiggum: AW.
Announcer: Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties.
Please do not panic.
Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones.
Do not attempt sexual relations
as years of TV radiation
have left your genitals withered and useless.
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.
EXCUSE ME. WE'RE HAVING A PROBLEM WITH OUR DOG.
LADY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M TELLING EVERYONE ELSE:
I'M SORRY IF YOUR DOG WENT BLIND
BUT YOUR GRIPE IS WITH HARTZ MOUNTAIN, NOT ME.
NO! OUR DOG IS OUT OF CONTROL.
HE'S WILD, DESTRUCTIVE
AND HAS LITTLE OR NO RESPECT FOR AUTHORITY.
HMM. LET ME TRY A CANINE-HUMAN MIND MELD.
IT'S AN INCREDIBLY RARE PSYCHIC POWER
POSSESSED ONLY BY ME
AND THREE OTHER CLERKS AT THIS STORE.
OKAY.
( barks )
( moans )
I'M BORED.
I'M RESTLESS.
NEED CHANGE IN LIFE.
( barks )
LIKE IMPORTED LEATHER LEASH...
( barks )
BLUE CONTACT LENSES...
( barks )
200-VOLT SHOCK TRAINING COLLAR.
WELL, PROBLEM SOLVED.
HOMER, HOLD ON TO THE WHEEL!
YOU'VE GOT IT.
HEY!
DON'T WORRY. WE'LL CATCH HIM OR RUN HIM OVER TRYING.
LOOK, HE'S HEADED BACK TO THE GREYHOUND RACING TRACK
WHERE WE FOUND HIM.
DON'T WORRY, AS SOON AS THEY FIND OUT HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY MONEY
THEY'LL THROW HIM OUT. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.
THIS PLACE IS SO BIG.
DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD SPLIT UP
AND LOOK FOR HIM, HOMEY?
HOMEY?
TWO BUCKS TO WIN ON NUMBER EIGHT.
( sobbing ): AND HAVE YOU SEEN MY BELOVED DOG?
GIVE ME THE TICKET.
WE CAN'T LOSE!
LOOK AT THE NAME
OF THE DOG I BET ON.
"SHE'S THE FASTEST."
HOMER, I DON'T THINK THAT MEANS NECESSARILY...
She's The Fastest jumps out to an insurmountable lead.
YOU'RE LUCKY YOU GOT LOOKS.
As they round the far turn, it's She's The Fastest
followed by Always Comes In Second and I'm Number Three.
YES! COME ON, YOU LITTLE HORSE.
They're in the home stretch.
It's... Wait! Another dog is on the track!
IT'S SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER!
The mystery dog is gaining fast on the outside.
Of course, he could never win this race--
or could he?
WHAT'S SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER DOING TO THAT DOG?
UH-OH.
LOOKS LIKE HE'S TRYING TO JUMP OVER HER
BUT HE CAN'T QUITE MAKE IT.
C'MON BOY, YOU CAN DO IT!
This is the end-- This is the end of dog racing.
BOO! BOO! BOO!
I THINK THEY'RE IN LOVE.
AW! AW! AW!
Homer: AW! SO THAT'S
WHAT'S BEEN WRONG WITH THE LITTLE FELLA.
HE MISSES CASUAL SEX.
CAN WE KEEP SANTA'S GIRLFRIEND, MOM?
PLEASE?
BUT SHE'S NOT OUR DOG.
SHE'S YOURS NOW.
ONCE THEY FALL IN LOVE, THEY LOSE THEIR RACING SPIRIT.
WON'T YOU MISS HER LOYALTY AND COMPANIONSHIP?
( guffawing )
LADY, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, YOU CAN GO OUT AND PLAY
BUT NO MORE YOU-KNOW-WHAT IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE, ALL RIGHT?
HEY! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?
( laughing )
TAKE IT. IT FELL
ON THE FLOOR.
( growling and snarling )
HEY, BOY, YOU WANT TO PLAY FETCH?
OH! ME AND SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER USED TO BE A TEAM
BUT HE NEVER WANTS TO PLAY ANYMORE
SINCE HIS BITCH MOVED IN.
BART, DON'T EVER SAY THAT WORD AGAIN!
WELL, THAT'S WHAT SHE IS! I LOOKED IT UP.
I'M GOING TO WRITE THE DICTIONARY PEOPLE
AND HAVE THAT CHECKED.
IT FEELS LIKE A MISTAKE TO ME.
HEY, LOOK!
A REALLY SMALL DOG
JUST FELL OUT OF SANTA'S GIRLFRIEND!
OH, MY GOD! SHE'S HAVING BABIES!
I'M SORRY, GIRL.
I THOUGHT
YOU WERE JUST GETTING FAT.
LOOK! IT'S TWINS!
IT'S TWO SETS OF TWINS.
TWO SETS OF TWINS AND A TRIPLET.
HOMER! HOMER, FIND A PLACE
FOR ALL THESE LITTLE MIRACLES.
Marge: OH, MY!
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS.
Lisa: HOW MANY MORE
CAN THERE BE?
All: TWENTY-TWO...
TWENTY-THREE...
TWENTY-FOUR..!
TWENTY-FIVE!
WOW! 25 PUPPIES!
AN ARMY OF DOGS!
NO BULLY WILL EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN.
HEY, JERKFACE.
YOU HAVE THE FACE OF A JERK.
ALL RIGHT SIMPSON, YOU ASKED FOR IT.
GET HIM, BOYS.
HEH.
SAY, JIMBO, HOPE I WASN'T OUT OF LINE
WITH THAT "JERKFACE" CRACK.
OH, HOMIE
AREN'T THEY ADORABLE?
YES.
WE'VE WAITED MANY YEARS
BUT THE GOOD LORD HAS FINALLY BLESSED US WITH A REAL FAMILY.
( Marge laughing )
LOOK AT BRANFORD II.
ISN'T THAT CUTE?
HE THINKS HE'S ONE OF THE MODELS, INC.
( all laughing )
Homer: GET THAT CAT OUT OF THE WAY!
( yelling )
MY SOCKS!
MOM, WHY DO I HAVE TO WEAR A FLEA COLLAR?
IT'S JUST EASIER THIS WAY.
AH...
D-OHH!
AH...
D-OHH!
AH...
D-OHH!
MM...
D-OHH!
AH...
D-OHH!
OOH...
D-OHH!
THIS TIME...
D-OHH!
AH...
YEESH.
THIS HOUSE STINKS.
YOU'RE NOT JUST PUTTING THE NEW NEWSPAPERS
OVER THE OLD ONES, ARE YOU?
DO YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA?
NOW, I KNOW
WE LOVE THE PUPPIES VERY MUCH
BUT I THINK THEY'RE GETTING TO BE A PROBLEM.
YEAH, THEY ATE ALL MY SOCKS. I HAVE TO WEAR LISA'S TO SCHOOL TODAY.
HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE CULOTTES, BOY?
I HAVE TO COORDINATE, DON'T I?
YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT GIVING THE PUPPIES AWAY.
NO! NO!
MAINLY YOUR MOTHER.
IS THAT WHAT WE DO IN THIS FAMILY?
WHEN SOMEONE BECOMES AN INCONVENIENCE
WE JUST GET RID OF THEM?
HELLO?
IS ANYBODY THERE?
AW...
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL GIVE THE DOGS ONE MORE CHANCE.
AS LONG AS THE PUPPIES DON'T DO ANYTHING ELSE WRONG
THEY STAY.
ON A COMPLETELY UNRELATED TOPIC
I'M HAVING A VERY IMPORTANT DINNER PARTY TONIGHT.
SPLENDID.
WHO'S COMING?
REVEREND LOVEJOY, YOUR OLD ARMY DRILL SERGEANT
AND THE REGIONAL DIRECTOR OF THE I.R.S.
JUST LOVELY, MARGE.
THE WHOLE TOWN
WILL HEAR WHAT A PERFECT EVENING THIS WAS.
HOW NOTHING AT ALL WENT WRONG.
SIMPSON, THIS EVENING HAS GONE SO FLAWLESSLY
I'M GONNA FORGET THAT
YOU WERE MISTAKENLY LET OUT OF THE ARMY A MONTH EARLY.
I'M SO IMPRESSED BY THIS PROBLEM-FREE EVENING
THERE'S NO NEED FOR THAT AUDIT.
All: A TOAST
TO THE SIMPSONS.
AND TO THE DELECTABLE TURKEY...
THAT'S WALKING AROUND THE TABLE?!
DEAR LORD, IT'S A DEMON BIRD!
( retching )
SIMPSON, SEE YOU AT REVEILLE 0500 TOMORROW.
SEE YOU AT THE I.R.S.
SEE YOU IN HELL.
FROM HEAVEN.
WELL, WE SURE COULD USE
A POOCH TO GUARD THE FLOCK AT THE FLANDEROSA.
IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE SOME COMPANIONSHIP
WHEN MOTHER GOES OUT ON DATES.
WE COULD USE A NEW PET OVER AT THE HOME
SEEING HOW WE ACCIDENTLY KILLED THAT SMART-MOUTHED BIRD.
( whimpering )
THEY DON'T LIKE BEING BROKEN UP.
WE'VE GOT TO BE REALISTIC, KIDS.
WHO'S GOING TO HAVE A BIG ENOUGH HEART
TO TAKE CARE OF 25 PUPPIES?
AND I KNOW THE LITTLE FELLOWS WILL LOVE ROMPING AROUND
MY MANY ACRES, CHASING MY MANY CARS
DRINKING FROM MY MANY TOILETS.
WHO WOULDN'T?
MOM, DON'T GIVE THE PUPPIES TO HIM.
HE'LL BE MEAN TO THEM.
SHE'S RIGHT, HOMER.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT HIS FACE
I DON'T TRUST.
( evil laughter )
UH...
I'M SORRY, MR. BURNS
BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE THESE DOGS.
AM I FIRED?
OH, OF COURSE NOT.
THEY'RE YOUR PETS.
YOU CAN DO AS YOU WISH.
GOOD DAY, EVERYONE.
MY, HE CERTAINLY TOOK THAT WELL.
A LITTLE TOO WELL, IF YOU ASK ME.
I'M SURE HE'S PLOTTING SOME BRILLIANT SCHEME
TO GET THOSE PUPPIES.
THERE YOU GO.
YOU, TOO.
HONESTLY, SIR, YOU JUST DON'T PUT THE EFFORT
INTO YOUR SCHEMES THAT YOU USED TO.
( humming )
ER, UH, DON'T WORRY, FOLKS.
WE'LL FIND YOUR WALLET.
DOGS! CHIEF, YOU'RE GETTING POWDERED SUGAR
ALL OVER MY FLOOR.
NO, I'M NOT. NO, I'M NOT.
I'M, UH... DUSTING FOR PRINTS.
OH.
WE DON'T HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE COPS.
WHO CAN TRACK THE PUPPIES BETTER
THAN THEIR OWN MOM AND DAD?
Lisa: LET'S GO FIND YOUR BABIES.
DINNER'S ON, DOGS!
I'M SORRY, KIDS.
I DON'T THINK WE'RE EVER GOING
TO FIND YOUR GREYHOUNDS.
MAYBE MR. BURNS WILL SELL YOU ONE OF THE 25 HE GOT LAST NIGHT.
( dogs barking )
WHO KNOWS WHAT HORRIBLE THINGS HE'S DOING
TO THOSE INNOCENT LITTLE PUPPIES?
( laughing )
OH, THERE.
NOW, WASN'T THAT HEAVENLY?
DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER TOO?
( all yapping )
HE'S GIVING THEM A BATH.
THERE YOU ARE.
THERE YOU GO, LITTLE FELLA.
AND YOU.
( gasping )
SMITHERS, LOOK.
HE'S STANDING UP.
I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING SO ADORABLE.
YOU KNOW WHO IT REMINDS ME OF?
BENJI? NO.
LASSIE?
NO, NO, NO. A PERSON. YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN.
SNOOP DOGGY DOG? BOB BARKER?
DAVID BRENNER?
NO. NO. THE PERSON WHO'S ALWAYS STANDING AND WALKING.
RORY CALHOUN?
THAT'S IT.
YOU STAY WITH ME.
YOU'RE THE PICK OF THE LITTER.
MAYBE WE WERE WRONG ABOUT BURNS ON THIS ONE.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS, SIR?
YOUHAVE A VERY FULL WARDROBE AS IT IS.
YES...
BUT NOT COMPLETELY FULL.
YOU SEE
* SOME MEN HUNT FOR SPORT
* OTHERS HUNT FOR FOOD
* THE ONLY THING I'M HUNTING FOR *
* IS AN OUTFIT THAT LOOKS GOOD *
* SEE MY...
* VEST
* SEE MY VEST MADE FROM REAL *
* GORILLA CHEST
* FEEL THIS SWEATER
* THERE'S NO BETTER THAN AUTHENTIC IRISH SETTER *
* SEE THIS HAT, T'WAS MY CAT *
* MY EVENING WEAR, VAMPIRE BAT
* THESE WHITE SLIPPERS
* ARE ALBINO AFRICAN ENDANGERED RHINO *
* GRIZZLY BEAR UNDERWEAR
* TURTLES' NECKS, I'VE GOT MY SHARE *
* BERET OF POODLE, ON MY NOODLE, IT SHALL REST *
* TRY MY RED ROBIN SUIT
* IT COMES ONE BREAST OR TWO
* SEE MY VEST
* LIKE MY...
* LOAFERS, FORMER GOPHERS
* IT WAS THAT OR SKIN THE CHAUFFEURS *
* BUT A GREYHOUND FUR TUXEDO WOULD BE BEST *
* SO LET'S PREPARE THESE DOGS... *
* KILL TWO FOR MATCHING CLOGS *
* SEE MY VEST
* OH, PLEASE, WON'T YOU SEE MY VEST. *
I REALLY LIKE THE VEST.
I GATHERED. YEAH.
HE'S GOING TO MAKE A TUXEDO OUT OF OUR PUPPIES.
( humming "See My Vest" )
BART!
SORRY. YOU GOT TO ADMIT, IT'S CATCHY.
COME ON, SMITHERS.
LET'S GO FINISH THE LITTLE FLEA CIRCUSES OFF
EXCEPT FOR "LITTLE MONTY," OF COURSE.
WE GOT TO GET THE DOGS OUT OF THERE.
( yapping and barking )
SHH!
HUSH, PUPPIES!
WE GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE.
( gasping )
I KNOW.
THE WINDOW.
NO, BART! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DOGS ALWAYS LAND ON THEIR FEET.
THAT'S CATS.
NO. IT'S DOGS.
I'LL PROVE IT.
BEST TWO OUT OF THREE.
( latch rattling )
( gasping )
BART, LOOK.
A LAUNDRY CHUTE.
OKAY, GUYS.
LET'S MOVE.
COME ON.
I GOT AN IDEA.
HMM? HUH?
SORRY, MONTY
BUT YOU'RE TOO BIG FOR THIS RIDE.
( yelling )
QUICK! LET'S GET THE..!
GOING SOMEWHERE?
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
HOW DID YOU GET HERE FIRST?
OH, THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME FOR EXPLANATIONS LATER.
RIGHT NOW, I'LL BE TAKING MY PUPPIES BACK.
BUT THEY'RE OURS.
YOU STOLE THEM FROM US.
HERE'S A PHONE.
CALL SOMEBODY WHO CARES.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US, CHILDREN
THE PUPS HAVE A DATE WITH A FASHION KNIFE.
THERE. NOW YOU DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE'S LITTLE MONTY.
I GUESS IF YOU DON'T WANT HIM TO BE PART OF YOUR TUXEDO,
YOU HAVE TO LET THE OTHER DOGS GO, TOO.
NICE TRY.
COME ON, LITTLE MONTY.
STAND UP.
( gulps )
COME ON. STAND UP.
DO YOUR TRICK.
NO. DON'T. NO.
STAY DOWN, LITTLE MONTY. STAY DOWN.
EXCELLENT.
NOW, IT'S...
( groans )
SIMPLY A MATTER OF BENDING DOWN
AND PICKING UP THE ONE
AND ONLY...
( sputtering )
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
THEY'RE ALL STANDING.
I CAN'T TELL THEM APART.
WELL, ALL RIGHT, YOU WIN.
I'LL HAVE TO KILL THEM ALL.
NO!
BUT THEY'RE SO WRETCHEDLY ADORABLE.
25 LITTLE RORY CALHOUNS.
I CAN'T DO IT...
BUT I CAN KILL YOU.
( whimpers )
NO. I CAN'T KILL YOU EITHER.
LOOK AT YOU.
STANDING THERE ON YOUR HIND LEGS
LIKE A COUPLE OF RORY CALHOUNS.
( sighs )
WELL, MR. BURNS, I HOPE YOU'VE REALIZED THE FOLLY
OF KILLING INNOCENT ANIMALS FOR FASHION.
OH, I HAVE.
I SWEAR I'LL NEVER WEAR
ANY CLOTHING MADE FROM AN ANIMAL...
( quietly ): ...THAT CAN DO AN AMUSING TRICK.
Another victory
for Montgomery Burns's champion greyhound.
25 dogs, 25 World Champions,
which, so far, have earned their owner
over ten million dollars.
I'll bet whoever gave him those dogs is kicking themselves now.
( wood creaking )
HOMER!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!
MARGE, YOU KNOW THAT BATTING THIS LIGHT BULB
IS THE ONLY THING THAT CHEERS ME UP
AFTER GIVING AWAY THOSE MILLION-DOLLAR GREYHOUNDS.
D-OHH..!
UGH!
SHH!