( bell ringing )
( whistle blowing )
( playing the blues )
( horn honks )
D-OHH!
( screams )
HEY, KIDS, IT'S STORY TIME.
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU THE STORY OF KRUSTY'S EXPENSIVE NEW SUIT.
HIS SEXUAL HARASSMENT SUIT!
( laughing )
Oh, boy...
ANYWAY, AS PART OF KRUSTY'S PLEA BARGAIN
HE HAS A NEW COURT-ORDERED SIDEKICK
MS. NO-MEANS-NO.
WHOA, YOU'RE HOT!
LET'S GET SOME DINNER AFTER THE SHOW.
( blowing shrilly )
I HAVE DINNER WITH ALL MY EMPLOYEES
RIGHT, SIDESHOW MEL?
WE'VE NEVER SPOKEN OUTSIDE OF WORK.
( laughs )
OH...
I'M SURPRISED HE DOESN'T TRY
TO BLAME HIS PROBLEMS ON HIS PERCODAN ADDICTION.
IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
IT WAS THE PERCODAN.
IF YOU ASK ME, THAT STUFF ROTS YOUR BRAIN.
AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR NEW SPONSOR.
PERCODAN?! AW, CRAP!
BART, ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR HISTORY TEST?
YOU BET, MOM. ASK ME ANYTHING.
OKAY. WHO WAS GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER?
UM... THE GUY WHO CHOPPED UP GEORGE WASHINGTON?
REALLY? WOW.
BART, YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO STUDY.
( groaning ): OH, MY STOMACH.
YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO TAKE THAT TEST.
NO, I MEAN IT.
IT REALLY HURTS.
MOM, I THINK HE'S SERIOUS.
KIDS ARE SO NAIVE.
LISA, WHEN YOU GET TO BE OUR AGE
YOU'LL LEARN A FEW THINGS.
LIKE WHEN A SIGN SAYS, "DO NOT FEED THE BEARS,"
MAN, YOU'D BETTER NOT FEED THE BEARS.
NOW GET TO SCHOOL, BOY.
MRS. KRABAPPEL, I CAN'T TAKE THE TEST.
I HAVE A STOMACHACHE.
WELL, THAT'S A LAME EXCUSE FOR AN EXCUSE.
LOOK, IF YOU IGNORE ME AND I DIE
YOU'LL GET IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.
READ PAGE SIX OF THE SCHOOL CHARTER.
"NO TEACHER SHALL BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE
IF BART SIMPSON DIES."
WE'RE ALSO ABSOLVED IF MILHOUSE GETS EATEN BY THE SCHOOL SNAKE.
Milhouse: HEY, COOL, THERE'S A RABBIT IN HERE.
MRS. KRABAPPEL
I'M DONE FAILING THE TEST.
CAN I PLEASE GO TO THE NURSE?
GOSH, BART, MAYBE YOU REALLY ARE IN PAIN.
WELL, IT WOULD BE CRUEL NOT TO LET YOU GO.
( humming "The Star-Spangled Banner" )
( humming "Stars and Stripes Forever")
NOW YOU MAY GO.
LUNCH LADY DORIS?
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
BUDGET CUTS.
THEY'VE EVEN GOT GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE TEACHING FRENCH.
BONJOUR, YOU CHEESE-EATIN' SURRENDER MONKEYS.
LOOK, MY STOMACH REALLY HURTS.
ALL I CAN GIVE YOU
ARE THESE CHEWABLE PROZAC FOR KIDS.
YOUR CHOICE--
MANIC-DEPRESSIVE MOUSE
OR THE BLUEBIRD OF UNHAPPINESS.
SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
OUR NEW SCHOOL NURSE, LUNCH LADY DORIS.
YEAH, NICE TO SEE YOU. SEYMOUR, WHY IS THAT STUDENT
LYING UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR?
WELL, IN MANY CASES, THE FLOOR IS THE BES...
OH, LOOK, HERE COMES LUMPY
THE SCHOOL SNAKE.
HELP! HELP!
OH, LORD.
( dramatic theme music playing )
DON'T WORRY, SON.
YOU'LL BE FINE.
THIS BOY'S APPENDIX IS INFLAMED AND ABOUT TO BURST
WHICH WILL MAKE IT EASIER TO FIND ONCE I GET IN THERE.
( laughs )
MAN, THESE ARE PRIMO SEATS.
I COULD REALLY GO FOR A HOT DOG.
HOMER, THIS IS AN OPERATION.
HOT DOGS!
GET YOUR HOT DOGS HERE!
WHOO-HOO!
OKAY, BART, I WILL COUNT TO THREE
AND YOU WILL BE SOUND ASLEEP.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
OUT LIKE A LIGHT.
SCALPEL.
( yells )
OOPSIE.
MAYBE IF I FIDDLE WITH THESE KNOBS.
( sniffs )
HEY, I SMELL GAS.
( sniffs )
PLEASANT GAS.
NIGHT-NIGHT GAS.
HOW'S MY SPECIAL LITTLE GUY?
HOW YOU FEELING, BIG BROTHER?
OH, THIS IS WONDERFUL.
YOU'RE ALIVE.
Bart: NO THANKS TO YOU, HOMER.
WHY, YOU LITTLE..!
( gasping )
NOW, HOMER, PLEASE.
THE BOY'S JUST HAD A VERY SERIOUS OPERATION.
OH, RIGHT.
Dr. Hibbert: Now Bart,
I FOUND THE CULPRIT--
A JAGGED METAL CEREAL "O."
WICKED! I GOT THIS COOL SCAR
AND I GET TO MISS A WEEK OF SCHOOL.
( clamoring )
DR. HIBBERT, CAN I HAVE MY APPENDIX OUT?
YEAH, ME TOO.
I WANT MINE OUT FIRST.
( laughs )
WHY NOT? FOLLOW ME, KIDS.
NURSE, PREP THESE CHILDREN.
( cheering )
I'M GLAD YOU'RE OKAY, BART.
( saxophone playing )
BLEEDING GUMS MURPHY!
LITTLE LISA...
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YA AGAIN.
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
( saxophone playing )
MY FRIENDS CALL ME BLEEDING GUMS.
HOW'D YOU GET A NAME LIKE THAT?
LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY-- YOU EVER BEEN TO THE DENTIST?
YEAH.
NOT ME.
I SUPPOSE I SHOULD GO TO ONE
BUT I GOT ENOUGH PAIN IN MY LIFE AS IT IS.
WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?
MY BROTHER JUST HAD HIS APPENDIX OUT.
IS HE GONNA BE OKAY?
HELLO, I'M DR. CHEEKS.
I'M DOING MY ROUNDS, AND I'M A LITTLE BEHIND.
HE'LL BE FINE.
LISA, I SURE AM GLAD YOU DROPPED BY.
YOU'RE THE FIRST VISITOR I'VE HAD.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?
I DON'T REALLY HAVE A FAMILY.
ALL I HAD WAS A LITTLE BROTHER WHO GREW UP TO BECOME A DOCTOR.
HE USED TO LAUGH AT THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE TIMES.
( laughing )
HEY, I'VE GOT AN OLDER BROTHER THAT I'LL NEVER SEE.
HE'S A JAZZ MUSICIAN, OR SOME SUCH.
OH, WELL. BYE-BYE.
IT MUST BE AWFUL TO BE ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD.
WELL, I ALWAYS HAD MY MUSIC.
I LEARNED AT THE FEET OF BLIND WILLIE WITHERSPOON.
I'VE BEEN PLAYING JAZZ FOR 30 YEARS
AND I JUST CAN'T MAKE A GO OF IT.
I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY SAXOPHONE.
THIS ISN'T A SAXOPHONE.
IT'S AN UMBRELLA.
SO I'VE BEEN PLAYING AN UMBRELLA FOR 30 YEARS?
WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME?
WE ALL THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
THEN I GOT MY BIG BREAK.
I WAS ON STEVE ALLEN'S TONIGHT SHOW.
( laughing )
NOW, A BRILLIANT JAZZ MUSICIAN
WHO'S INSPIRED ME TO DO SOME IMPROV POETRY.
"TWINKLE, TWINKLE, GROOVY CAT
"HOW I WONDER WHERE YOU AT.
"I REALLY LOVE THE WAY YOU COOK.
JUST LIKE ME WHEN I WROTE THIS BOOK."
"HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO STEVE ALLEN."
FROM THE AUTHOR OF...
AND...
( giggling )
I CUT MY FIRST AND ONLY ALBUM:
"SAX ON THE BEACH."
BUT THEN I SPENT ALL MY MONEY ON MY $1,500-A-DAY HABIT.
I'D LIKE ANOTHER FABERGE EGG, PLEASE?
SIR, DON'T YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH?
I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH!
Lisa: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED?
IN '86,
WHEN I DID A GUEST SHOT ON THE COSBY SHOW.
HEY, KIDS.
MEET GRANDPA MURPHY.
BUT WE HAVE THREE GRANDPAS ALREADY.
THIS ONE'S A GREAT JAZZ MUSICIAN.
OH, THEY ALL ARE.
UH-OH.
YOU SEE, THE KIDS--
THEY LISTEN TO THE RAP MUSIC
WHICH GIVES THEM THE BRAIN DAMAGE
WITH THEIR HIPPIN' AND THEIR HOPPIN'
AND THE BIPPIN' AND THE BOPPIN'.
SO THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE JAZZ IS ALL ABOUT.
YOU SEE, JAZZ IS LIKE A JELL-O PUDDING POP.
NO. ACTUALLY, IT'S MORE LIKE KODAK FILM.
NO. ACTUALLY, JAZZ IS LIKE THE NEW COKE.
IT'LL BE AROUND FOREVER.
( laughing )
WOW! YOU'VE HAD SOME CAREER.
ALTHOUGH THE MORAL SEEMS TO BE
THAT A LIFETIME OF JAZZ LEAVES YOU SAD AND LONELY.
WELL, BEFORE YOU CAME TO VISIT
I WOULD HAVE AGREED WITH YOU.
THIS JUST IN.
KRUSTY THE CLOWN STAGED A PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY
TO DEFEND HIMSELF AGAINST CHARGES
THAT HIS PRODUCTS ARE UNSAFE, HIS THEME PARK IS A DEATHTRAP
AND THAT HE'S MARKETING VIDEOS OF TONYA HARDING'S WEDDING NIGHT.
AND I CONTEND THAT THOSE TOURISTS WERE DECAPITATED
BEFORE THEY ENTERED THE KRUSTYLAND HOUSE OF KNIVES.
NEXT QUESTION.
WHAT ABOUT THAT LITTLE BOY WHO GOT APPENDICITIS
FROM EATING YOUR CEREAL?
TO PROVE THAT THIS METAL "O" IS HARMLESS
I WILL PERSONALLY EAT ONE.
( munching: ) SEE, THERE'S NOTHING...
( gagging and yelping )
AH, BOY!
THIS THING IS SHREDDING MY INSIDES!
UH, KRUSTY, THAT WASN'T THE METAL ONE.
THAT WAS A REGULAR KRUSTY "O."
IT'S POISON.
Bleeding Gums: SO, YOU ALL SET
FOR YOUR RECITAL?
I SURE AM!
LOOK!
I STOPPED BRUSHING MY TEETH
SO I CAN PLAY JUST LIKE YOU.
AW.
LISA, HONEY, MUSIC COMES FROM WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART
NOT WHAT'S ON YOUR TEETH.
COME ON. LET'S JAM.
* LIFT ME
* WON'T YOU LIFT ME
* ABOVE THE OLD ROUTINE?
* MAKE IT NICE
* PLAY IT CLEAN
* JAZZMAN
* WHEN THE JAZZMAN'S TESTIFYING *
* A FAITHLESS MAN BELIEVES
* WE CAN SING YOU INTO PARADISE *
* OR BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES
* JAZZMAN
* OH, JAZZMAN.
HEY, MOE, WHAT'LL YOU GIVE ME FOR AN A.A. CHIP?
BARNEY, THIS IS A FIVE-MINUTE CHIP.
EH. IT'S WORTH THE PABST.
BABY, YOU ARE GOING TO KNOCK 'EM DEAD.
( coughs )
HERE-- TAKE THIS FOR LUCK.
YOUR SAX!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Skinner: NOW, I HAVE LEARNED THAT MOST
OF THE ORCHESTRA
IS HAVING THEIR APPENDICES REMOVED.
SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, I GIVE YOU THE REMNANTS
OF THE SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ORCHESTRA.
ON SAXOPHONE, LISA SIMPSON.
ON TRIANGLE, MARTIN PRINCE
AND WITH A FLUTE UP HIS NOSE
RALPH WIGGUM.
( plays flute )
THAT'S SOME NICE FLUTIN', BOY.
THEY WILL BE PLAYING "STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER"
HOPEFULLY NOT FOREVER.
( murmuring and booing )
THIS SUCKS!
( playing jazz version )
( cheering )
HEY, BLEEDING GUMS, I WAS GREAT!
AND I OWE IT ALL TO...
WHAT HAPPENED TO MR. MURPHY?
I'M SORRY. HE PASSED AWAY.
( sobbing )
LISA, HONEY, ARE YOU GOING TO BE OKAY?
BLEEDING GUMS WAS MY HERO
AND I NEVER GOT TO TELL HIM HOW I FELT.
OH, I'M SURE HE KNEW.
AND I'M SURE THAT WHEREVER HE IS NOW, HE'S HAPPY.
BUT HE WAS THE ONLY PERSON
WHO HAD THE SAME LOVE FOR MUSIC THAT I DO.
( sniffling )
THANK YOU.
OH, DAD, WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE?
IT'S LIKE THE TIME THAT YOUR CAT SNOWBALL
GOT RUN OVER. REMEMBER, HONEY?
YEAH.
WHAT I'M SAYING IS
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GO DOWN TO THE POUND
AND GET A NEW JAZZMAN.
( wailing ) OH, DAD!
( sobbing )
OH. I BLEW IT AGAIN.
WHAT?
( sucking )
MMM.
HEY, LIS, YOU STILL UPSET ABOUT THAT JAZZ GUY?
IF IT HELPS
I BELIEVE THAT AFTER YOU DIE
YOU CAN COME BACK AS WHATEVER YOU WANT.
I'LL BE A BUTTERFLY.
HOW COME?
BECAUSE... NOBODY EVER SUSPECTS "THE BUTTERFLY."
( laughing maniacally )
Skinner: I DIDN'T BURN DOWN THE SCHOOL.
IT WAS THE BUTTERFLY, I TELL YOU.
THE BUTTERFLY!
HE'S CRAZY, BOYS. GET THE TASER.
( Bart laughing maniacally )
( chuckling )
MAYBE I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEBODY
WITH A LITTLE MORE AGE AND WISDOM.
DEATH STALKS YOU AT EVERY TURN!
GRANDPA.
WELL, IT DOES.
( yelping )
THERE IT IS! DEATH!
IT'S ONLY MAGGIE.
( laughing )
OH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, AT MY AGE
THE MIND STARTS PLAYING TRICKS, SO...
( screams )
DEATH!
THAT'S ONLY THE CAT.
OH.
DEATH!
THAT'S MAGGIE AGAIN, GRANDPA.
OH. WHERE WERE WE?
DEATH!
HOW COME IT WON'T STOP HURTING?
OH, LISA, IT'S NORMAL
TO BE SAD WHEN A FRIEND DIES.
AND BLEEDING GUMS WAS A GOOD FRIEND TO YOU.
BUT NOBODY IS REALLY GONE, AS LONG AS WE REMEMBER THEM.
LISA, HONEY, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO PRESERVE HIS MEMORY
I RECOMMEND GETTING A TATTOO.
IT PRESERVES THE THINGS YOU LOVE.
"STARLAND VOCAL BAND?!"
THEY SUCK!
DEATH!
ISN'T ANYBODY GOING TO SHOW UP?
WELL, LISA, WE'VE WAITED AN HOUR.
( clears throat )
"DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
"TO BID FAREWELL TO BLOOD AND GUTS MURPHY.
NO! IT WAS BLEEDING GUMS MURPHY.
UGH! ANYWAY, "BLOODY GUMS MURPHY
WAS QUITE A SOUSAPHONE PLAYER..."
SAXOPHONE!
HE WAS A JAZZ MUSICIAN.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW HIM!
NOBODY KNEW HIM!
BUT HE WAS A GREAT MAN.
AND I WON'T REST
UNTIL ALL OF SPRINGFIELD
KNOWS THE NAME BLEEDING GUMS MURPHY!
AND I WON'T REST UNTIL I'VE GOTTEN A HOT DOG.
HOMER, THIS IS A CEMETERY.
HOT DOGS! GET YOUR HOT DOGS HERE!
WHOO-HOO!
WHAT DO YOU DO?
FOLLOW MY HUSBAND AROUND?
LADY, HE'S PUTTING MY KIDS THROUGH COLLEGE.
GOOD NEWS, BART.
THE KRUSTY "O" CEREAL CORP. HAS SETTLED YOUR CASE FOR $100,000
LESS, OF COURSE, MY LEGAL FEES.
WHAT KIND OF LEGAL FEES?
WELL, FOR A CASE THIS COMPLEX
I HAD TO ASSEMBLE A CRACK TEAM OF LAWYERS:
RONALD SHAPORO, TRIAL ATTORNEY.
ALBERT DERSHMAN, WHO CAN HOLD
THREE BILLIARD BALLS IN HIS MOUTH.
HOW MUCH OF THE HUNDRED THOU' DO I GET?
FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?
YES, WELL, UH...
COOL!
GLAD YOU'RE HAPPY.
LET'S ROLL.
( tires screeching )
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
500 BUCKS.
OH, JUST THINK WHAT I CAN DO WITH THAT MONEY.
$500 ON RED.
THE WINNER IS BLACK.
COOL.
MOM, I WANT TO HONOR BLEEDING GUMS' MEMORY
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START.
MAYBE YOU COULD GET THE LOCAL JAZZ STATION
TO DO A TRIBUTE TO HIM, HUH?
JAZZ. THEY JUST MAKE IT UP AS THEY GO ALONG.
I COULD DO THAT.
( humming "Mary Had a Little Lamb" )
THAT'S "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB."
OKAY, THEN THIS.
( humming "Mary Had a Little Lamb" )
THAT'S THE SAME THING.
YOU JUST REPLACED "DEES" WITH "DOOS."
D-OHH!
HI. I HAVE A REQUEST.
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO A TRIBUTE
TO BLEEDING GUMS MURPHY, PLEASE.
OH, I'D LOVE TO, LITTLE SISTER
BUT WE DON'T HAVE HIS ALBUM.
WHAT IF I COULD FIND IT?
WELL, I'D SPIN IT FOR YOU,
BUT, YOU KNOW, AIN'T NO ONE GONNA HEAR IT.
OUR BROADCAST RANGE IS ONLY 23 FEET,
WHICH MAKES US THE MOST POWERFUL JAZZ STATION
IN THE ENTIRE U.S. OF A.
GEE, YOUR STATION HAS A LOT OF PROBLEMS.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
JUST LOOK AT OUR MORNING GUY.
HELLO. THIS IS MOLE MAN IN THE MORNING.
GOOD MOLE MAN TO YOU.
TODAY: PART FOUR OF OUR SERIES
OF "THE AGONIZING PAIN IN WHICH I LIVE EVERY DAY."
$250?!
BUT I NEED THAT ALBUM TO HONOR THE MEMORY OF BLEEDING GUMS MURPHY.
HE'S DEAD?
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?
OH...
WHERE AM I GOING TO GET $500?
( gasps )
NOW DRIVE, SMITHERS, DRIVE!
OHH.
EXCUSE ME, MY GOOD MAN, I HAVE $500 TO BLOW.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?
BEHOLD! THE ULTIMATE POG.
I'LL TAKE IT!
( whining )
LISA,
LOOK WHAT I'VE GOT.
TA-DA!
( gasps )
BART, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, BUT WHY?
WHEN I SAID MY STOMACH HURT
YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO BELIEVED ME.
OH, THANK YOU, BUT $500?
YOU'LL NEVER SEE THAT MUCH MONEY AGAIN.
OH, YEAH? TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
I GOT THE ALBUM.
HERE. YOU CAN LISTEN TO IT ON THIS.
( static crackling )
I DID THE BEST I COULD, BLEEDING GUMS.
( gasps )
( jazz music playing )
Attention, all units.
Poison gas cloud heading for...
( static crackling )
( jazz music playing )
AH, THAT'S NICE.
HEY, IT'S GETTING CLOUDY.
( coughing )
OH, BOY.
( horn blaring )
( jazz music continues playing)
THAT WAS FOR YOU, BLEEDING GUMS.
YOU'VE MADE AN OLD JAZZMAN HAPPY, LISA.
YOU MUST AVENGE MY DEATH, KIMBA-- I MEAN SIMBA.
LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER.
THIS IS CNN.
WILL YOU GUYS PIPE DOWN?
I'M SAYING GOOD-BYE TO LISA.
All: WE'RE SORRY.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO.
SORRY, BUT I HAVE TO. GOOD-BYE.
( sobbing ): GOOD-BYE.
OH, WHAT THE HECK?
ONCE MORE FROM THE TOP.
YAY!
( playing "Jazzman" )
* WHEN THE JAZZMAN'S TESTIFYING *
* A FAITHLESS MAN BELIEVES
* HE CAN SING YOU INTO PARADISE *
* OR BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES
* JAZZMAN
* TAKE MY BLUES AWAY
* MAKE MY PAIN THE SAME AS YOURS *
* WITH EVERY CHANGE YOU PLAY
* JAZZMAN
* OH, JAZZMAN.
Lisa: ONE MORE TIME!
Bleeding Gums: OH, COME ON, LISA.
I GOT A DATE WITH BILLIE HOLIDAY.
SHH.