♪ The Simpsons ♪
(bell ringing)
D'oh!
-Ahh! -(tires screech)
(fax machine beeping)
Aw, all these new superheroes suck.
None of them can hold a candle
to Radioactive Man.
The only decent new one is Radiation Dude.
Naw, he's just a cheap imitation of Radioactive Man.
Explain.
The similarities are subtle but many.
For example, Radioactive Man has his famous catchphrase
"Up and atom!"
with "atom" spelled a-t-o-m in a delicious pun.
Go on.
While Radiation Dude
has a similar but lamer catchphrase,
"Up and let's go."
So you kids fancy yourselves experts, eh?
Well, between us, we've read all 814 issues
of Radioactive Man.
Yeah, and we both have the special
limited edition issue
where he and fallout boy get killed on every page!
Well, I suppose you know then that Hollywood is planning
a feature film about Radioactive Man.
(gasping)
I have got to do something
about that air conditioner suction.
Who's going to play Radioactive Man?
I will tell you in exactly seven minutes.
Okay, here we are.
"Alt-dot-nerd-dot-obsessive.
"Need know star
RM pic."
I don't see why Rainier Wolfcastle
should be the star.
I think we should bring back Dirk Richter.
Kids will want to see the original Radioactive Man.
I keep telling you--
He's 73 years old, and he's dead.
Granted, but--
Besides, we want to stay as far away
from the campy '70s version as possible.
Billowing backpacks, Radioactive Man!
It's the worst villain of them all!
The Scoutmaster!
I see him, Fallout Boy.
(a la Paul Lynde) Go get them, scouts.
Don't be afraid to use your nails, boys.
(laughing)
♪♪ (rock)
(shudders)
So, where could we shoot this picture?
We need a city that has a nuclear reactor and a gorge,
and can guarantee us the full corporation
of city officials.
I'll check Variety.
Wow! Look at that ad!
All right, this place must be hot.
They don't need a big ad or even correct spelling.
I agree with that logic.
Get me two plane tickets
to the state that Springfield is in.
All right, we have $30 million to spend.
We'll blow up our dams, destroy forests, anything.
If there's a species of animal that's causing you problems,
nosing around your camera,
we'll have it wiped out!
Look, we just want to make movies,
not kill things.
Right. We understand.
SKINNER (on PA): Students, I have an announcement.
One of your favorite comic book heroes, Radio Man--
Radioactive Man, stupid!
Strange, I shouldn't have been able to hear that.
Anyway, a Hollywood studio has decided to film
the Radioactive Man movie here in Springfield.
(all cheering)
And they will be holding auditions
to find a local youngster to play Fallout Boy.
(all gasping)
Oh, and the air conditioner will be fixed this afternoon.
(all munching)
Look behind you, Radioactive Man!
The sun is exploding again!
Bart, why are you talking like that?
Yeah, and who the hell are you talking to?
Marge, do you have other men in this house?
Radioactive men?
I'm practicing my Fallout Boy dialogue.
If I get this role, I could finally come to terms
with this funny little muddle called Bart.
Everyone is talking about
Radioactive Man
y'all.
Wow! You mean, you were one
of the original Little Rascals?
Yeah.
Which one were you? The ugly one?
Were you the ugly one?
No. I was the tough kid, Smelly.
My shtick was looking into an exhaust pipe
and getting a face full of soot.
Nobody could do that better than me.
Of course, it was kind of hard to think of reasons
for me to look in that exhaust pipe every time
but, you know, we had good writers.
William Faulkner could write an exhaust pipe gag
that would really make you think.
If you were such a big shot,
why aren't you still making movies?
Moe?
Oh, no. My favorite aggie.
Huh?
(car engine starts up)
You stole my bit!
That's my bit!
Ooh, ooh, you stole my bit!
Cut! Oh, my God!
He's killed the original Alfalfa!
Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan
owned by the studio.
-ALL: Oh, I see. -Yeah, that makes sense.
With wealthy Hollywood people on the way
local merchants can be forgiven
for raising their prices a little.
Watch out, Radioactive Man!
(all rehearsing line)
Watch... out... Radioactive Man.
-Watch out! -(gasping)
Radioactive Man!
(cheering)
Totally awesome.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you.
It's all in the delivery.
Now is the winter of our discontent.
Oh, no! Run!
Wow!
(cheering)
Mom... Don't make me do this.
I don't want to be an actor.
Nonsense.
You're going to be great.
Now take off those glasses
so they can see your beautiful eyes.
(monotone) "At last the world is safe,
eh, Fallout Boy?"
-"Watch ou--" -Next.
Ha ha!
Hey, that hurts.
No wonder no one came to my birthday party.
"At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy?"
What's for lunch tomorrow?
-Next. -Chicken necks?
We're never going to find-- Wait a minute.
That child has the exact qualities we're looking for!
He's perfect! What is his name?!
I don't know. He just came along with one of the others.
He didn't sign up officially.
Oh, forget him then.
It wouldn't be fair to the other children
who filled out their application forms in full.
Next!
"At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy?"
Watch out, Radioactive Man!
Brilliant reading. Again.
Watch out, Radioactive Man!
Fantastic! One more time.
Watch out, Radioactive Man!
Congratulations, Bart Simpson!
You're our new Fallout Boy!
That's what I'd be saying to you
if you weren't an inch too short.
Next.
I've got to grow an inch by tomorrow
or I won't get that part.
Pull, you mighty stallions!
Pull! Show me no mercy.
Oh!
(alarm clock ringing)
Oh, I only grew half an inch.
I'm still too short.
Growing half an inch in one day is still pretty good, Bart.
Yeah, that's how fast Grampa's shrinking.
Oh, I'm as tall as I ever was.
Is there any way I can look taller
without actually being taller?
Good news, gentlemen.
I've grown that extra inch you wanted,
plus several feet more.
We've found our new Fallout Boy!
-(gasps) -And he's right over there.
Huh?
Ladies and gentlemen,
meet America's new Fallout Boy.
(cheering)
Out of the way.
Milhouse, baby!
Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard,
unauthorized biographer and drug dealer...
keeper-awayer.
(screaming)
Leave me alone!
Mom! Dad!
Make them stop!
What is all this stuff?
We've heard you've become a star.
We decided we better start living in the fast lane.
What if I'm not a success?
How will you pay for all this?
I'm sorry, I can't hear you, son.
I'm wearing a jacuzzi suit.
(groans)
Oh! I just missed out
on the greatest opportunity of my entire life.
George Burns was right.
Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.
Cheer up, Bart.
Milhouse is still going to need a true friend.
Someone to tell him he's great, someone to rub lotion on him
someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at
when he's feeling low.
You're right, Lis. I can suck up to him
like the religious people suck up to God.
(banging)
Guess what, kids?
They're gonna pay us $50 a day
to film some of the movie here.
We'll run that cable through here.
Careful, now.
Hey...
Didn't you direct "Unnatural Discretion"?
Well... yes, I did.
Hoo-wee!
Whoo! Oh!
You know, I never walk out of a movie
but yech!
(clearing throat)
I've got an idea, Mr. Simpson--
Why don't you get something to eat from our food truck?
(distant panting)
Mr. Simpson?
You've got to give me the part of "Krispy the Klown."
I'm sorry. You're wrong for the part.
But look at my range.
I'm sorry. "Krispy the Klown" has been cast
but I will hire you for "Angry the Clown,"
"Silly Sailor," and "Dr. Clowneous."
I won't let you down.
Well, I might let you down on "Silly Sailor."
Up and atom.
Up and at them.
Up and atom!
Up and at them!
Up and atom!
Up and at them!
Better.
Hi, Milhouse.
Hey, I want you to know
that I'm glad at least one of us got the part.
Milhouse!
I didn't do it. I wished him well.
I wished him well!
(screams)
The stupid dummy wasn't supposed to explode yet.
(sighing)
There's the real Milhouse.
(tires screeching)
(gasping) Milhouse!
Hey! You're not Milhouse.
No, I'm just Milhouse when he gets hurt.
(groans)
Okay, let's get the real Milhouse over here
under the X-ray truck.
Hi, Bart.
Hey, cool, Milhouse.
You get to be crushed by a truck.
It sounds like more fun than it really is.
Hey! I think I'm lying on a broken bottle.
Beautiful! Use it.
Okay, Fallout Boy origin scene-- Take one.
Action!
(sizzling)
(grunting)
Up and at them.
Thanks for the help, mysterious stranger.
Say, I think those X-rays gave me super powers.
DIRECTOR: And, cut!
That was perfect. Let's do it again.
Uh, these aren't real x-rays, are they?
Good question! We'll check into that.
Okay, X-ray machine to full power
and... Action!
(sizzling)
Uh, sir, why don't you just use real cows?
Cows don't look like cows on film.
You got to use horses.
What do you do if you want something
that looks like a horse?
Usually we just tape a bunch of cats together.
You guys work on the movie?
You saying we're not working?
Oh, I always wanted to be a teamster.
So lazy and surly.
Mind if I relax next to you?
(yawning)
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
Oh, here he comes.
What is it now, Quimby?
Nothing, nothing, only the city has just passed
another tax on puffy directing pants.
But I don't wear puffy pants.
I meant a tax on not wearing puffy pants.
-Oy! -I'm sorry.
Wow! You really got it made now, Milhouse.
This is living.
Is it, Bart?
Is it really?
Yeah.
Ever since I became a movie star
I've been miserable.
I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. just for makeup.
I like the way the blush brings out my cheekbones
but it's not worth it.
And making movies is so horribly repetitive.
I've said "Jiminy jillikers" so many times
the words have lost all meaning.
We've got to do the "Jiminy jillikers" scene again, Milhouse.
(growling) But we already did it.
It took seven hours, but we did it.
It's done.
Yes, but we've got to do it from different angles
again and again
and again and again and again.
(screaming)
Yeah...
(sighing)
I can't believe Silly Sailor beat us both up
and imprisoned us in his floating aqua world.
Jiminy jillikers!
Tut-tut, now.
There's no need for profanity, Fallout Boy.
Everyone in town has been gouging us silly
but it's worth it.
It's all up there on the screen.
Yes. That Milhouse is going to be big.
Gabby Hayes big!
Okay, listen up, everybody.
This is the hardest, most expensive scene in the movie,
and we only get one shot at it, so we have to do it right.
Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man
and pull him to safety moments before he's hit
with a 40-foot wall of sulfuric acid
that will horribly burn everything in it's path.
Now, that's real acid, so I want to see goggles, people.
Real acid?
Okay, roll film...
tip the acid vats...
and action!
(grunting)
Only Fallout Boy can save me now.
Where's Fallout Boy?
(gasps)
Fallout Boy!
Uh-oh.
My eyes!
The goggles do nothing!
(crashing)
Ah, ooh! Ah!
Where in the hell is Milhouse?
That one shot cost us a million dollars.
KRUSTY: Where's the producer?
I want to talk about this coffee.
Milhouse!
-Milhouse! -Milhouse!
Milhouse!
Thanks to modern editing techniques,
we can use existing footage to complete the film
without Milhouse.
Watch.
It looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy.
Jiminy jillikers, Radioactive Man.
We'll have to fight our way out.
Are you ready?
Yes.
(grunting and groaning)
Seamless, huh?
-You're fired. -And with good cause.
(sniffing)
(growling)
Go!
Okay. We can all stop worrying now.
These dogs never fail.
But... will they just find Milhouse
or will they find him and kill him?
Well, they'll-- When they find him, they'll, um...
(mumbling)
Uh, excuse me.
You didn't answer me. You just trailed off.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did kind of trail off there, didn't I?
I know Milhouse.
I'll just check all his old haunts.
Have you seen Milhouse?
No. Now, go away.
We're racing for the title
of the champion of the universe.
All right.
Yo, Dr. S., have you seen Milhouse today?
No.
Okay. Thanks.
Wait. Did you know
that there's a direct correlation
between the decline of Spirograph
and the rise in gang activity?
-Think about it. -I will.
No, you won't.
The only place left is the tree house.
Aha!
Stay away from me, Bart.
I mean it. I'm not going back.
I'm not cut out to be a star.
But, Milhouse, being a star
is every patriotic American's dream.
Not mine.
It's a sham, Bart.
You get up on that movie screen pretending to be a hero
but you're not.
The real heroes are out there, toiling day and night
on more important things.
Television.
No. Curing heart disease and wiping out world hunger.
But, Milhouse, they haven't cured anything.
Heart disease and world hunger are still rampant.
Those do-gooders are all a bunch of pitiful losers,
every last one of them.
You want results, you have to go
to the Schwarzeneggers, the Stallones,
and to a lesser extent, the Van Dammes.
BOTH: Mickey Rooney!
Hi, Milhouse.
The studio sent me to talk to you
being a former child star myself
and the number-one box office draw
from 1939 through 1940.
Wow, spanning two decades.
How'd you find us?
They tapped your tree house phone.
(radio signal beeping)
Milhouse, listen, you can't quit this movie.
I've seen your work.
It's good, very, very good.
Van Johnson good.
I know I'm good.
Movie stardom is just so hollow.
Hollow?!
The only thing in show business that's hollow
is the music industry.
Come on, Milhouse.
You have to do this, if not for yourself
then for the movie-going public
and for the foreign markets
that are more important than ever nowadays,
and finally, for me, the Mickster.
No.
All right. I tried.
Fortunately, we have
a perfectly good Fallout Boy right here.
Jiminy jillikers. Jiminy jillikers.
We're shutting down production.
Yeah. Well, we only have $1,000 left, anyway.
Uh, there's a $1,000 leaving-town tax.
MICKEY: Well, I hope you're all satisfied.
You bankrupted a bunch of naive movie folks.
Folks from Hollywood, where values are different.
They weren't thinking about the money.
They just wanted to tell a story,
a story about a radioactive man
and you slick small-towners
took them for all they were worth.
(whimpers)
Should we give them some of their money back?
No.
Hurry, Mr. Rooney.
We've got a disenchanted little girl
in a Jell-O pudding commercial.
I could play that.
So, Milhouse, it must be a little tough
giving up all that glamour
and coming back to school, huh?
Quiet. Maybe I can get my citizenship.
(cheering)
We know you don't have any more money left
but that doesn't matter.
Just take whatever you need from our boutiques
until you can get back on your feet.
Thank God we're back in Hollywood
where people treat each other right.
♪ Lean on me ♪
♪ When you're not strong ♪
♪ And I'll be your friend ♪
♪ I'll help you carry on ♪
♪ For it won't be long ♪
♪ Till I'm gonna need... ♪
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.