ANNOUNCER: Live from the Springfield Civic Auditorium,
it's "The Simpsons" 138th episode spectacular!
(applause and cheers)
Hello. I'm Troy McClure.
You may remember me from such Fox network specials
as Alien Nose Job,
and five fabulous weeks of the Chevy Chase Show.
Tonight we're here to honor
America's favorite non-prehistoric cartoon family.
You'll see long-lost footage,
-never-before-seen material -(belches)
from your favorite episodes--
old favorites you can't see in syndication.
So join me, won't you,
for The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular!
♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeching)
(bell ringing)
(tires screeching)
D'oh!
-(screams) -(tires screech)
♪♪
(snarling)
(elephants trumpeting)
The Simpsons began as the brainchild
of cartoonist Matt Groening--
the already famous creator of such comics
as Damnation, Johnny Reb,
and True Murder Stories.
In 1987, Groening teamed up with award-winning producers
James L. Rooks and Sam Simon.
And what better place to premiere their creation
than on The Tracey Ullman Show--
the nation's showcase for psychiatrist jokes
and musical comedy numbers.
On April 19, 1987, America first met the Simpsons.
Well, good night, son.
-Um, Dad? -Yeah?
What is the mind? Is it just a system of impulses,
or is it something tangible?
Relax.
What is mind?
No matter.
What is matter?
Never mind.
(laughs)
Thanks, Dad.
Good night, son.
(switch clicks)
Good night, Lisa.
Good night, Mom.
Sweet dreams.
Thanks, Mom.
Sleep tight.
I will, Mom.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
-(switch clicks) -Bedbugs?
♪ Rock-a-bye baby ♪
-♪ In the treetop ♪ -(wind blowing)
♪ When the wind blows ♪
♪ The cradle will rock ♪
♪ When the bough breaks ♪
♪ The cradle will fall ♪
♪ And down will come baby ♪
♪ Cradle and all ♪
MARGE: Sweet dreams.
-(switch clicks) -(Maggie sucking on pacifier)
We may be the best parents in the world.
Hmm. Good night, dear.
Good night.
(footsteps running)
(all talking at once)
All right. Climb in.
There's nothing to worry about.
Now everyone go to sleep.
Good night.
-(switch clicks) -(Maggie sucking on pacifier)
MAGGIE: Good night.
(laughs)
They haven't changed a bit, have they?
As the weeks went on, so did the cartoons.
Fresh chocolate chip cookies.
Oh! Don't touch those yet.
They're very, very hot.
(door closes)
Aha. No one's around.
The perfect crime.
Yeow!
(sniffing)
-Do I smell cookies? -(gasps)
-Where's the cookies? -They're all gone-- the whole batch.
Somebody ate those cookies.
Did you eat the cookies, Maggie?
HOMER: I think she's trying to tell us something.
Go on, Maggie.
Go! Go!
(groaning)
There's no perfect crime. (groaning)
(loud gulp)
I've got a great idea.
Let's play space patrol.
I'll be Lissouie, the devil-may-care rocket pilot.
Maggie can be Maggina, your spunky sidekick.
And you'll be...
Bartron, the evil robot
from Mars, gone berserk.
(muffled shouting)
Do I understand you correctly, Bartron?
Do you wish me to release you
from the Helmet of Evil Thoughts with my enchanted space wand?
(muffled) Yes! Yes! Yes!
I will do it, Bartron,
but who knows what mysterious forces will be unleashed?
Oh, no. Inside, the evil Bartron is a horrible mutant boy.
LISA: We'll be safe here
till Mom and Dad, the evil overlords,
get home.
As wacky as those kids were,
they were no match for Captain Wacky,
later renamed Homer.
Wake up, everybody!
It's World War III!
(screaming)
Quick! Down to the fallout shelter.
The bombs are dropping.
(grunting)
Eighteen seconds. Hmm.
If this were really a nuclear war,
we'd all be dead meat by now.
Say, you're all shivering.
Are you cold or what?
HOMER: Bart!
Time for your Sunday night bath, boy.
(coughs)
Got to hide.
Bart! Huh? Where are you, boy?
(Bart belching) Oops!
Aha!
There you go!
Now, that's not so bad, is it?
(teeth chattering)
HOMER: Scrub good now.
Ahh...
(with French accent) Welcome to zee exotic world
of undersea explorer Bart Simpseau.
Come with Bart as he dive into zee briny deep,
searching for zee wily and elusive washcloth.
Suddenly, without warning,
zee brave boy get more than he bargain for.
(muffled) Help! Help!
Help!
Clean as a whistle, Homer.
(squeaking)
(angry growl)
Maybe the drawings were a little crude,
but all the characters were there:
Itchy and Scratchy,
Grampa Simpson,
and Krusty the Clown.
When we return, more classic moments.
And for the first time on TV,
our private reel of Simpsons outtakes,
including the alternate endings to "Who shot Mr. Burns?"
(canned audience applause)
(exhales)
The cash register says "N.R.A. Forever"--
Just one of the hundreds of radical right-wing messages
inserted into every show by creator Matt Groening.
(applause)
Over the six years The Simpsons has been on the air,
we've received dozens of letters from fans
wanting to know more about the show.
Tonight, we'll answer some of your questions.
Professor Lawrence Pierce
of the University of Chicago writes:
"I think Homer gets stupider every year."
That's not a question, professor,
but we'll let the viewers judge for themselves.
(deep voice) Hello.
My name is Mr. Burns.
I believe you have a letter for me.
Okay, Mr. Burns.
Uh, what's your first name?
I don't know.
Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation
in the fact that something you created
is making so many people happy.
Ooh, look at me!
I'm making people happy!
I'm the magical man from Happyland
in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane.
By the way, I was being sarcastic.
Well, duh.
("The Flintstones" theme music playing)
(bird cawing)
Yabba-dabba-do!
♪ Simpson ♪
♪ Homer Simpson ♪
♪ He's the greatest guy in history ♪
♪ From the ♪
♪ Town of Springfield ♪
♪ He's about to hit a chestnut tree ♪
(screams)
Hey, guys, look what I smuggled aboard.
Homer, no!
Huh?
They'll clog the instruments!
Careful. They're ruffled.
I'll take care of this.
("Blue Danube" waltz playing)
(loud crunching in time to waltz's accents)
Ah!
Mmm.
Bah!
Ants!
(whining)
(grunts)
No TV and no beer make Homer something-something.
Go crazy?
Don't mind if I do!
(screaming and babbling)
(hooting)
(electric zipping)
(whooping)
Dr. Linus Irvin
of the Sloan-Kettering Memorial Institute writes:
"How does Matt Groening find the time
to write and draw an entire Simpsons episode every week?"
For the answer to this, we went straight to the source.
Get out of my office!
(static)
Of course,
what Matt meant to say, according to his attorneys,
is that he couldn't possibly do it alone,
and he insisted that we make time
to acknowledge the hard work
of everyone who makes the Simpsons possible.
♪♪
Ambassador Henry Mwabwetumba of the Ivory Coast writes:
"What is the real deal with Mr. Burns' assistant Smithers?
You know what I'm talking about."
(sly chuckle)
Of course we do.
Preparations for your birthday have begun.
I won't get what I really want.
No one does.
♪ Happy birthday, Mr. Smithers ♪
Hmm...
People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Nonsense! Dogs are idiots.
Think about it, Smithers.
If I came into your house
and started sniffing at your crotch
and slobbering all over your face,
what would you say?
Hmm. If you did it, sir?
-I'll print you out a copy. -Thanks.
Hello, Smithers.
(halting cadence) You're quite good at turning me on.
Um... you probably should ignore that.
I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers.
You know that dream where you're in bed
and they fly in through the window?
Ohh...
MCCLURE: As you can see,
the real deal with Wayland Smithers is
that he's Mr. Burns' assistant.
He's in his early 40s, is unmarried
and currently resides in Springfield.
Thanks for writing.
We'll be right back.
ANNOUNCER: Which popular Simpsons characters
have died in the past year?
If you said Bleeding Gums Murphy
and Dr. Marvin Monroe,
you are wrong-- they were never popular.
Right about now, you're probably saying
"Troy, I've seen every Simpsons episode.
You can't show me anything new."
You've got some attitude, mister.
Besides, you're wrong because sometimes episodes run long
and certain scenes never get aired.
So fire up your V.C.R.,
because here, for the first time ever
are the cut-out classics.
(projector whirring)
When Krusty the Clown got canceled,
he tried everything to stay on the air.
Here's what you didn't see.
If you watch my show,
I will send you this book featuring me
in a variety of sexually explicit positions.
What? Oh! Hey!
It's not really me! I used a stunt butt!
Krusty, we're from the network. We have some bad news.
I'm afraid your show's been canceled.
Oh, I thought this would happen.
I just hope you replace me with something
as educational and uplifting as I tried to be.
Actually, it's a hemorrhoid infomercial
starring Claude Akins.
Can I play Hemorrhoid Sufferer Number One?
Ooh! Oh, that hurts!
Oh! Oh, is there no relief?
I don't think so.
Well, how about one of the "after" guys?
Ah! Oh, that's better.
I can ride a bike again!
-Sorry. -Ohh.
When Springfield legalized gambling,
Homer became a blackjack dealer,
and comedy was in the cards.
Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.
I'll take a hit, dealer.
Joker? You were supposed to take those out of the deck.
Sorry. Here's another one.
What is this card?
"Rules for draw and stud poker"?
What a pity, Mr. Bond.
What?! Well, it was Homer's fault.
I didn't lose. I never lose.
Well, at least tell me the details
of your plot for world domination!
Ha ha ha! I'm not going to fall for that one again.
MCCLURE: Earlier this year,
Homer's long-lost mother returned
and so did a long-lost care package.
(chewing loudly)
Homer, please.
You don't have to wolf down that 25-year-old candy
just to make me happy.
But it won't make you unhappy, right?
Hey! Space food sticks!
Oh, I wish I had these on my space adventure.
Did you know I was blasted into space two years ago, Mom?
Oh, sure. I read all about it.
I mean, it was national news.
Do you still work for NASA?
No, I work at the nuclear power plant.
Oh, Homer.
Well, you'll be happy to know
I don't work very hard.
Actually, I'm bringing the plant down
from the inside.
MCCLURE: When Homer sold his soul for a doughnut,
he found out that hell isn't all it's cracked up to be
in these never-before-broadcast scenes.
(grunting)
(screaming)
D'oh!
Hmm, lawyers, lawyers, lawyers...
Ooh, Lionel Hutz!
"Cases won in 30 minutes or your pizza's free."
I'd sell my soul for a Formula 1 racing car.
(chuckling) That can be arranged.
Changed my mind. Sorry.
Cool.
Bart, stop pestering Satan.
Your Honor, we find that Homer Simpson's soul
is legally the property of Marge Simpson
-and not of the devil. -Oh...
(cheering)
Woo-hoo! Oh!
Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
But we did win.
That's okay. The box is empty.
If that's what they cut out,
what they leave in must be pure gold!
Let's watch some more
of those fabulous Simpsons outtakes.
Apu living with the Simpsons? It happened.
And here's a scene you didn't see.
I'm hoping you enjoy this movie.
It made every Indian critic's top 400 list.
♪ Love, love, love, love, love ♪
♪ I'm in love with lovely Johnny ♪
(speaking Hindi)
This movie you rented sucks.
No, it doesn't. It's funny.
Their clothes are different from my clothes.
(laughs)
Look at what they're wearing.
(laughing)
A few years back, Bart was adopted by Mr. Burns.
In this very special outtake, Homer attempts a reconciliation
with his estranged son.
Watch.
Bart, you're coming home.
I want to stay here with Mr. Burns.
I suggest you leave immediately.
Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees
or the dogs with bees in their mouth
and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
Well, go ahead!
Do your worst!
My worst, eh?
Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
Come on, big boy!
Shake the butter off those buns!
(disco music playing)
♪ Shake, shake, shake ♪
(screams)
♪ Shake your booty ♪
Come on, girls. Shake, shake, shake.
Smithers, it's out of control.
-I'll take him out, sir. -(gun cocks)
♪ Shake your ♪
(music stops)
♪ Shake, shake, shake ♪
Shake, shake, shake.
(voice slowing down) Shake your...
His ass is going to blow!
(all screaming)
This past summer, all of America
was trying to solve the mystery of who shot Mr. Burns.
Then they found out it was the baby.
(coughs)
To keep this bombshell secret,
the producers animated several solutions
that were never intended to air.
(groaning)
And to keep the show's animators, editors, staff,
and hangers-on from leaking the solution,
two completely different endings were produced--
one real, one phony.
Here's the ending you were never meant to see.
The one who shot me was...
(screaming)
Wayland Smithers.
No!
Wait a minute.
Yes.
With the sun blocker in place and the town aghast,
I was on top of the world.
So I wanted to kick up my heels and indulge
my sweet tooth.
I feel like celebrating.
Oh, it's you.
What are you so happy about?
(Burns gasps)
I see.
Smithers had thwarted
my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby,
but with him out of the picture,
I was free to wallow in my own crapulence...
or so I thought.
At the last moment,
Smithers, drunk as a lemur, lurched out
of the darkness and fired.
(groaning)
That's right.
Right before I shot Jasper.
Hmm. I was busy that night.
BURNS: Stricken, I lurched forth
in search of aid.
But, finding only slack-jawed gawkers,
I gave up and collapsed on the sundial.
Then, with your last ounce of strength,
you pointed to "w" and "S."
Wayland Smithers.
Well, I'm just relieved that Homer's safe,
and that you've recovered and we can get back to normal.
Not exactly.
Smithers, for attempting to kill me,
I'm giving you a five percent pay cut.
Ohh!
But, of course, for that ending to work,
you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence.
(laughing) And that would be downright nutty.
Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans
out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts.
Who knows what adventures they'll have
between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable?
I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you
with what we all came here to see--
hardcore nudity!
(disco music playing)
♪ Shake, shake, shake ♪
♪ Shake your booty ♪
♪ Oh, shake, shake, shake ♪
♪ Shake, shake, shake ♪
♪ Shake your booty ♪
♪ Oh, you can ♪
♪ You can do it ♪
♪ Very well ♪
♪ Your love ♪
♪ Best in the world ♪
♪ I can tell ♪
♪ Oh, shake, shake, shake ♪
♪ Shake, shake, shake ♪
♪ Shake your booty ♪
Shh.
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.