♪ The Simpsons ♪
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
Ai! Que agonia!
(laughing)
Oh, he wants that corn so much.
Ai! Dios no me ama.
So good.
Huh? I want to see what's on the other broadcasts.
Where's the oscillator on this thing?
-No, Grampa, don't! -No, Grampa, don't!
-Dad, sit down! -Gosh darn it!
What does this do?
I'll make my adjustments here and...
(glass shattering)
(tires screeching)
(together) Yay! We're getting a new TV!
Let's go to The Sharper Image.
They've got a TV shaped like a '50s diner.
No, let's go to The Nature Company.
They've got a TV assembled by Hopi Indians.
We can't afford to shop at any store that has a philosophy.
We just need a TV.
We're going to go to the outlet mall in Ogdenville.
(moaning)
(gasps) Look at these low, low prices
on famous brand-name electronics.
Don't be a sap, Dad. These are just crappy knock-offs.
(scoffs) I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see it.
And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny.
Listen, I'm not going to lie to you.
Those are all superior machines,
but if you like to watch your TV--
and I mean, really watch it--
you want the Carnivale.
It features two-pronged wall plug,
pre-molded hand-grip well,
durable outer casing to prevent fall-apart...
Sold. You wrap it up, I'll start bringing in the pennies.
Honey, I don't think these clothes are us.
Who are they?
Hey, Brandine
you can wear this shirt to work.
Oh, Cletus, you know I got to wear the shirt what Dairy Queen give me.
Hey, Mom, there's something in here.
Ooh.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Can it be a real Chanel?
(gasps) It is!
90 dollars?
(groans)
But it's marked down from 2,800.
Oh, you look so sophisticated.
Just like Mary Hart.
It fits like a dream too.
But we can't afford $90
even if it is a bargain.
It wouldn't be right to buy something just for me.
If it were a suit we could all wear, maybe, then...
Come on Mom, you never treat yourself to anything.
Oh, sure, I do.
I treated myself to a Sanka not three days ago.
But this is a real find.
Just buy it.
You don't have to rationalize everything.
(groans)
All right, I will buy it.
It will be good for the economy.
(easy listening music plays)
(whistles)
You look great.
Really? You like it?
Oh, I'd love to wear this someplace special.
Spurlock's Cafeteria, it is.
Mmm. What about the symphony or the theater?
Oh, gah, geez.
What's the point of going out?
We're just going to wind up back here, anyway.
(groans)
(singing in Italian)
(vacuum starts)
Oh, Mrs. Simpson, you are looking very prosperous today.
Might I interest you in some of our impulse items
here by the cash register?
Perhaps a crazy motorized wiggle pen?
(laughing) Look at... the craziness.
Attendant, I'd like some gas.
Yes, I'm sorry, I do not speak English okay.
But you were just talking to...
Yes, hot dog, hot dog, yes, sir, no sir, maybe, okay.
Well, I can't pump it myself.
I'm calling triple "A."
I used to be a little overwhelmed too
but it's not that hard.
I can show you.
Marge? Is that you?
Marge Bouvier, from high school?
Um... yeah.
Hi. Hi, Evelyn.
How about that.
Marge, you look wonderful.
And to think I heard you married Homer Simpson.
I did marry Homer.
Come, you must show me the pumps.
90% of the time, if the gas isn't pumping,
this is your problem.
Automotive skills and fashion sense.
Well, you've come a long way
from the girl I knew nothing about in high school.
We ran with different crowds.
You had your debutante balls
and skinny-dipping,
and I had my...
home shoe repair course.
Oh, Marge, you haven't changed a bit
as far as I know.
Say, why don't you drop by the country club tomorrow?
Oh, and bring the family.
(antique horn honking)
You there, fill it up with petroleum distillate
and re-vulcanize my tires, post haste.
Bart, comb your hair.
Homer, I don't think you should wear a short-sleeved shirt
with a tie.
Oh, but Sipowicz does it.
If Detective Sipowicz jumped off a cliff,
would you do that too?
Aw, I wish I was Sipowicz.
Do I have to go?
That country club is a hotbed of exclusionist snobs
and status-seeking social-climbers.
I've told you, I don't like you using the word "hotbed."
Please, Lisa, we so rarely get to do things like this.
And everybody, everybody please, be on your best behavior.
Bart, no grifting.
Ah, raspberries.
Name, please?
Simpson family.
We're not poor.
Well, we're not.
Go on in. They're expecting you at the clubhouse.
(all gasping)
Wow. Living large.
Oh, my.
I've always dreamed of coming here.
Everybody, keep smiling
and I know we're going to fit right in.
(screams)
EVELYN: Oh, Marge. You made it.
And you wore that lovely suit.
Kar-rin, Gill-ian, Elyza-beth
Pa-tree-sia, Rowber-tah, Seuss-in
Meet Marge.
-Hello. -How you doing?
Pleased to meet you.
You look like such a happy bunch... of people.
That's the trouble with first impressions.
You only get to make one.
(ladies giggling)
Oh.
That reminds me of a funny apron I saw.
You know Marge, your family
doesn't have to stand in the alcove.
They're free to enjoy the club.
(sighing)
Ugh, come on kids, let's go sit in the car
till your Mom's done fitting in.
Elyza-beth is right.
Why shout yourself hoarse at incompetent sales clerks
when you can get nearly everything mail order?
Um hum, I won't eat anything
unless it's shipped overnight
from Vermont or Washington state.
We order our steaks through the "New Yorker."
I have a sneaking suspicion that
L.L. Bean and Eddie Bauer are selling me the same honey.
(ladies tittering)
I get food through the mail,
but in a different way.
Every month, "Good Housekeeping"
arrives in my mailbox, bursting with recipes.
Sometimes, the most satisfying meal
is the one you cook yourself.
Hmm.
That's very true, Marge.
One night, Wif and I came home late,
and we decided not to wake Iris
and instead, we microwaved our own soup.
(women chattering)
Of course, it was a horrible mess,
but Iris didn't mind cleaning it up.
(ladies tittering)
Why can't my Thurston be more like Wif?
That Iris is a gem.
MARGE: Didn't everybody have a wonderful time?
I thought it was so opulent
like the Playboy mansion, but nonsexual.
That place is weird.
A man in the bathroom
kept handing me towels till I paid him to stop.
Should have held out longer, boy.
The rich are different from you and me.
Yes, they're better.
Socially better, and if we fit in
we can be better too.
So today, while the rest of you were out being different,
I did a very good job of fitting in--
so good that Evelyn gave us a guest pass.
They might even ask us to join.
Boy, Marge!
You must have really done a number on those rich suckers.
Don't thank me.
Thank my beautiful new suit.
Oh, Fritz, you idiot.
I didn't order a bologna sandwich.
I ordered an abalone sandwich.
I don't know what Mom's thinking.
This whole country club scene is so decadent.
All these... spoiled... brats... and... their... smug
complacent parents.
It just reinforces the unspoken class... system...
of horses... sitting... on... their... high... horses.
I'm sorry. I got to go!
Oh. We've got a winning hand.
We can take the rest of the tricks.
Oh, you better be careful.
The purpose of this game is to make friends.
You don't make friends by winning.
Still, there's nothing more popular
than a gracious winner.
Don't ask me. I'm just hair.
Your head stopped 18 inches ago.
Hmm...
Queen of hearts.
I believe all the rest are ours.
Oh, well played.
We could have stopped them
if you had changed to a different suit.
I thought, perhaps, changing suits
had gone out of fashion.
Eh, Marge?
(women tittering)
(Marge grumbles)
D'oh!
(moaning)
Mmm.
(chuckling)
You know, Homer,
the traditional way to cheat in golf
is to lower your score.
That's one way.
I'm P.G.A. Tour Pro Tom Kite.
How about I give you a few pointers on your game?
Now, you don't want to overthink.
Not an issue.
Keep your head down.
Huh?
Pretend there's no one else here.
(belches)
And just go at your own pace.
Wow, very impressive.
You're a natural, Mr. Simpson.
Really?
Uh-huh. All you need is your own set of clubs
and stay the hell out of my locker.
You can keep the shoes.
Marge, did you know that
Kennedy and Lincoln had the same handicap?
Homer, please, I have to alter this suit
so it looks different for tomorrow.
(yawning)
Just slap some bumper stickers on it
and come to bed, will you, Marge?
(snoring)
Love your outfit, Marge.
The vest says, "let's have lunch"
but the culottes say, "you're paying."
Why, thank you, Rowber-ta.
LISA: Mom, look!
I found something more fun than complaining.
Marge, your family
is fitting in perfectly here.
If all goes well at Saturday's ball,
I'd love to sponsor you for membership.
Oh, that would be a dream come true.
I'll be there with bells on.
Bells?
Where exactly will you be attaching them
to that mangled Chanel suit?
(ladies laughing)
Oh, don't worry, Marge.
Her idea of wit is nothing more
than an incisive observation humorously phrased
and delivered with impeccable timing.
I'm sure you'll be a smash at the ball,
and I just know you'll have a lovely new outfit.
(repeated toilet splashes)
Hey, that's some mighty fine chipping, Homer.
Yeah, can you bank it into the handicapped stall?
Seat-- down.
(air dryer blowing)
(ball splashes)
Hmm. Who is that lavatory linksman, Smithers?
Homer Simpson, sir--
One of the fork and spoon operators from Sector 7G.
Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle.
Perhaps I've finally found a golfer
worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh?
Oh, his waggle is no match for yours, sir.
I've never seen you lose a game
except for that one in '74, when you let Richard Nixon win.
That was very kind of you, sir.
Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers
with his, "Oh, I can't go to prison, Monty.
They'll eat me alive."
Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon
is any relation.
Unlikely, sir. They...
They spell and pronounce their name differently.
Bah. Schedule a game and I'll ask him myself.
Oh, this game could mean big things for me, Marge.
If I beat Mr. Burns.. I mean really wallop him bad,
I'm sure to get that big raise I've been gunning for.
Alright, alright, but if you win, don't make a scene
and dance around with your "whoo-hoos," please.
We can't afford a single slip-up.
They're judging us.
Mwah!
Mom, did you like horses when you were my age? 'Cause I--
I don't know.
Lisa, tonight is very important.
Mommy has to alter her suit so it looks a totally new one.
Mom, do you want to know the 15 reasons I like horses better than cars?
One, a horse never has to--
I really need to concentrate on this, Lisa.
Would you mind just..?
You know how a horse goes like this?
Mom! Like this!
I've already altered this so many times,
-it's not even possible-- -Whinny! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Lisa, please!
Hmm.
(gasps)
No.
No, no, no, no!
(cloth rips)
(groaning)
At times like this, I guess all you can do is laugh.
I need a formal dress for tonight.
You've come to the right place.
We've got classy duds up the ying-yang.
I call this one "fantasy in maroon."
It's got some cigarette burns
but we can patch them up with Nu-Vinyl.
It's a bit peppery for me.
Why don't we put this in the "maybe" pile?
This was originally a Halloween costume,
but it found its way into my regular rotation.
Uh-huh.
Good morning, Mr. Burns.
Beautiful day to be outside, isn't it?
Rant on, Simpson,
but your vainglorious boasting
will only add savor to my inevitable triumph.
Yes.
Woo-hoo!
D'oh!
Yes. You're in deep "D'oh" now.
(sandpaper scraping)
Perfect as always, sir.
Right on the green.
Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz,
and use an open-faced club.
-The sand wedge. -Mmm.
Open-faced club sand wedge.
You're four strokes behind, Simpson.
(chuckles)
Oh, a cunning stratagem, sir.
It's curving right toward the green,
and it's... there.
He got to the green in one shot?
How can that old man hit so...
far?
Now, keep your head down.
Ignore all distractions.
(yells)
Hmm. Hmm.
Hmm? Miss?
Miss? Do you have a Chanel suit
or any other high-quality clothes?
No, ma'am, but we do have
a shipment of slightly burnt Sears activewear
coming in this afternoon.
Oh, I give up.
What time and how burnt?
Cripes man, can't you ever get to the green
in less than two shots?
SMITHERS: Aagh!
(groans)
Smithers, what are you doing up here?
What are you doing with this ball?
And all those other balls?
Ahh, there are no other balls.
Just these, uh, reptile eggs.
Ooh, step away. They're endangered.
These aren't reptile eggs.
You've been cheating.
No matter where Mr. Burns hit the ball,
you put a fresh one on the green.
(gasps)
Cheating? For me?
Good Lord, Smithers, that's patently unnecessary.
I'm one of the world's finest golfers.
In all the years you've caddied for me,
I've never lost a...
-Oh. -So...
♪ You're not the best golfer here ♪
♪ Wait till I tell everyone about this ♪
♪ You stink ♪
Homer, Mr. Burns holds a lot of sway at this club.
If you would keep quiet about the alleged
decades of cheating,
I'm sure he'd support your application
for membership tonight.
Bull honkey! I don't care
about joining this stupid club.
But does your wife?
Ohh.
(yells)
I knew my kind wasn't welcome here.
(sighs loudly)
-Ooh. -Ooh.
ALL: Ahh.
Mom, you are looking fabulous.
Yeah. You look great.
You can do anything with that sewing machine.
No, I can't.
Come on, let's go.
You mean it's a new dress? Where did you get it?
The outlet store.
Wow. Two finds in one store. What are the odds?
-Call it fate, let's go! -How much did it cost?
-A dollar. Let's go. -With tax or without?
Without. Let me go.
So with tax, how much was it?
Why do you always have to question
everything I do?
You look nice, is all.
MARGE: Homer, what are you doing?
I'm driving up to the main building.
They've got valet parking tonight.
We can't drive this up there.
They'll see the dent. They'll see the coat hanger antenna.
Stop the car. We're walking.
But Marge, valets.
For once, maybe someone will call me "sir"
without adding, "you're making a scene."
I'm going to regale everyone with my anecdote.
You know, the one I tried to say on the radio?
Who's going to bleep me this time?
I'm going to pose as an Italian count
and get some old lady to leave me all her money.
I'm going to ask people
if they know their servants' last names
or, in the case of butlers, their first.
No! No! No! Not tonight!
No vulgarity. No mischief.
No politics. Just be good.
I'm sorry, Mom. I'll behave.
I won't say anything controversial.
I just won't say anything, okay, honey?
You kids should thank your mother.
Now that she's a better person,
we can see how awful we really are.
Come here, Maggie.
Oh, Homie,
I like your in-your-face humanity.
I like the way Lisa speaks her mind.
I like Bart's...
I like Bart.
And I like my old green dress.
I didn't have to spend our savings on this stupid gown.
Our savings?
Don't worry. I saved the receipt.
We'll have a $3,300 credit at Chanel.
They have beer and gum, right?
Come on, let's go.
I wouldn't want to join any club
that would have this me as a member.
It's okay.
Those snobs never would have made us members, anyway.
Well, I wonder where Marge could be.
She's missing her own initiation.
I hope she didn't take
my attempt to destroy her too seriously.
Where's Homer?
Oh, and to think I spent all afternoon
baking him this cake.
Mmm. Grr...
I pickled the figs myself.
Hey, did you guys just come from the prom?
Sort of.
But, you know, we realized we're more comfortable
in a place like this.
Man, you're crazy. This place is a dump.
Oh man, I'd be anywhere except this place, that's for sure.
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.