♪ The Simpsons ♪
D'oh!
-Ahh! -(tires screech)
♪♪ (fife and drum)
NARRATOR: 1796.
A fiercely determined band of pioneers leaves Maryland
after misinterpreting a passage in the Bible.
Their destination: New Sodom.
This is their story.
This is going to be great.
I hope they show the time
where they traded guns to the Indians for corn.
And then the Indians shot them and took the corn.
Egad, a monster!
It's a horrible fiend!
It's some sort of land cow!
Stand back, fellow settlers.
(grunting)
(cheering)
Ye've saved our fledgling community.
Mr. Springfield
how can I hope
to achieve such greatness?
A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.
(cheering)
Springfield rules!
Way to go, Springfield.
"Embiggens?" Hm, I never heard that word
before I moved to Springfield.
I don't know why.
It's a perfectly cromulent word.
Now, you all know
Springfield's 200th birthday is only a week away.
Every class will do its part to make our local Bicentennial
just as memorable as our national Bicentennial.
Of course, you children are too young to remember that
with the possible exception of Kearney.
Those tall ships really lifted
the nation's spirits after Watergate.
To celebrate our Bicentennial
all 20 of you will write an essay
about Jebediah Springfield.
And the best 18 will be put on file
in the school library
available to anyone who requests them.
Can we do illustrations?
No.
Hey...
they need volunteers
to play old-timey people in the parade.
Look, I can be a butter churner, a typhoid carrier...
an apprentice.
I think I'll be an apprentice, Marge.
What kind of apprentice?
That's for my master to decide.
How about town crier?
You'd be great at that.
Do you think so?
Well, yeah, Dad, you're a big fat loudmouth.
And you can walk when you have to.
Well, if you kids believe in me that much,
I'll give it my best shot.
(door creaking)
Dangerous river crossings threatened life and limb
but helped our founding fathers save on bridge tolls.
(coughing) Excuse me.
I didn't mean to startle you
but I do love to talk Jebediah.
Even when I'm drinking my chicory.
I'm the curator, Hollis Hurlbut.
Hi. I'm Lisa Simpson.
I'm here to research a report on Jebediah.
Oh, you're in for a treat.
You know, some historians
consider Jebediah Springfield a minor patriot.
But I think you'll find he's easily the equal
of William Dawes or even Samuel Otis.
Congratulations, Ned.
-You are our new town crier. -D'oh!
May your shrill nasal voice
ring throughout our streets and brains.
Thankily-dank, Mayor. I shan't disappoint.
Har ye, har ye.
I declare myself pickled tink
about Springfield's bicen-ciddily
ti-ten-toodily- rin-tin-tennial...
day.
You su-diddily-uck, Flanders.
Give me that.
Hear ye, hear ye.
Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all.
Chooseth Homer Simpson and he shalt rock thy world.
Good God, he is fabulous.
He's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.
Top notch criering, I admit.
But the hat and bell belong to Flanders,
so no dice.
Oh-ho-ho, they're just family heirlooms.
That shouldn't stand in the way of Homer taking my job.
Less chat, more hat.
-(fabric ripping) -Woo-hoo!
Hear ye, hear ye.
The Homer Broadcasting System is on the air.
All hollering, all the time.
I'm going to make...
You're to restrict your criering to the parade
and selected pre-approved publicity events.
Okay.
This case holds our most treasured exhibit.
Objects owned and used by Jebediah.
Here's his fife
upon which he sounded the sweet note of freedom.
His hatchet, which he hacked
at the chains of oppression,
and his...
chamber pot.
Wow!
(bell dings)
Excuse me, my microwave Johnnycakes are ready.
(sputtering)
(plays shrill note)
(gasps)
"The secret confessions of Jebediah Springfield"?
"Know ye who read this
there is more to my life than history records..."
Firstly, I did not tame the legendary buffalo.
It was already tame. I merely shot it.
Secondly, I have not always been known
as Jebediah Springfield.
Until 1796,
I was Hans Sprungfeld, murderous pirate.
And the half-wits of this town will never learn the truth.
(evil cackling)
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."
Oh, my God!
Our town hero is a fraud.
"I write this confession so that my infamy will live on
long after my body has succumbed to my infectious diphtheria."
Ew.
(yells)
Ugh. Agh. Ugh. Agh.
HOLLIS: Here's Johnnycakes.
Is everything okay?
You look a bit flushed.
Oh, it's just the excitement
of studying Jebediah.
Sounds like you've come down
with a serious case of "Jebeditis."
Just when I was getting over my "Chester A. Arthritis."
(both chuckling)
You had arthritis?
Um... no.
(bell ringing)
Hear ye, hear ye! What's for breakfast?
Toast.
I don't understand thee, Marge.
Hmm. Ye olde toast.
Ooh!
What would you say if I told you
that Jebediah Springfield wasn't as great
as he's cracked up to be? Look.
Jebediah was really a vicious pirate
named Hans Sprungfeld.
His tongue was bitten off by a Turk
in a grog house fight.
No tongue, eh?
How did he talk and eat and laugh and love?
He had a prosthetic tongue made out of silver.
Yes. That'd do.
He was one of the evilest men of the 1780s.
He even tried to kill George Washington.
The dastard!
Give me all your money.
Never!
(laughing)
(both grunting)
Ooh! Ow!
I got the white stars you wanted
but I couldn't find any red hearts
yellow moons or green clovers.
Well, I'll use it,
but I'm not paying for it.
The next time Hans Sprungfeld was seen
he had changed his name
to Jebediah Springfield.
Lisa, honey,
when my family first came to this state,
they had a choice of living in Springfield or Stenchburg.
You know why they chose Springfield?
Because everyone knows Jebediah Springfield
was a true American hero, end of story!
I believe you, honey.
You do?
Of course I do.
You're always right about this type of thing
and for once, I want in on the ground floor.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
Ralph, "A," Janey, "A,"
and Lisa, for your--
(clearing throat) essay,
"Jebediah Springfield: Super Fraud," "F."
But it's all true.
Ah! This is nothing
but dead-white-male bashing from a P.C. thug.
It's women like you who keep the rest of us
from landing a husband.
Well, nice talking to you.
(sobbing)
(door slams)
Lisa?
Miss Hoover thought I made the whole thing up.
She called me a P.C. thug.
I've been called a greasy thug, too,
and it never stops hurting,
so here's what we're going to do:
grease ourselves up real good
and trash that place with a baseball bat.
(sniffles) That won't help, Dad.
No one's ever gonna believe me.
But you have proof.
We could go get that confession
out of Jebediah's fife.
-We could? -Come on.
We can use the baseball bat to smash open the case.
-No baseball bat. -Oh!
Hi, Mr. Hurlbut.
Oh, you're back.
And you've brought a friend.
Town Crier. I'd like to ask you a few questions.
One: where's the fife, and two: give me the fife.
Hey! Stop!
I've got nothing but respect
for the office of town crier
but this is well outside your jurisdiction.
Oh, yeah? Well, put this in your fife and smoke it.
What the--
That's Jebediah's secret confession.
It proves he was a fraud.
"The secret confession
"of Jebediah Springfield. Know ye who reads..."
Oh. I think, Lisa, that you've been taken in
by an obvious forgery.
Unfortunately, historical research is plagued
by this sort of hoax--
the so-called confession.
It's just as phony as the Howard Hughes will,
the Hitler diaries or the Emancipation Retraction.
But it explains why there's no record of Jebediah before 1795.
He was Hans Sprungfeld until then.
That's preposterous.
Now, get out!
You're banned from this historical society--
you and your children and your children's children.
For three months.
I'm not gonna give up.
I refuse to believe
that everyone refuses to believe the truth.
I'd like 25 copies on goldenrod, um,
25 on canary, 25 on saffron,
and 25 on paella.
Okay. 100 yellow.
You don't have to help me with this, Dad.
Oh, sure I do.
I always believe in helping the little guy
and you're the littlest guy I know.
Question: Is your name Ridley Scott
or James Cameron?
No, it's Homer.
Then I would thank you
to stop peering at my screenplay, Homer.
If I see a movie where computers
threaten our personal liberties,
I will know that you stole my idea.
I'm just waiting for my kid.
HOMER'S BRAIN: Mental note: steal his idea.
Hi, Apu.
Can I put this poster in your window?
Well, of course you can, you little pixie.
Ooh! You are just as sweet as the stix which bear your name.
(gasping) No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Take that down.
As a semi-legal immigrant,
your poster could land me in a predicament
as red hot as the candies which bear that name.
He wouldn't let me put it up.
Okay. Well, that's not gonna stop us.
I know a much better way to get attention.
Hear ye, hear ye!
My daughter has something to tell you
about Jebediah Springfield.
Aw! That little cutie wants to do something cute.
Shut up, you bums, shut up!
Go ahead, angel.
(clearing throat)
Jebediah Springfield was nothing more
than an evil, bloodthirsty pirate
who hated this town.
Good God!
Homer, you know I support
uh, most any prejudice you can name
but your hero-phobia sickens me.
You and your daughter ain't welcome here no more.
Barney, show them the exit.
There's an exit?
Evil bloodthirsty pirate...
Hello, Town Jubilation Committee?
I got something that's going to make you a lot less jubilant.
Can't you understand, little girl?
Jebediah was no criminal.
That's right. The reason they say
he had a silver tongue
is because he was such a fine speaker.
That's a myth that got mixed up with the truth.
You are tampering with forces you can't understand.
We have major corporations
sponsoring this event.
I hope you know
you're sponsoring a celebration
for a murderous pirate.
A pirate?
Well, that's hardly the image we want
for Long John Silver's.
Well, I see no way of settling this.
I say we imprison them
for the duration of our Bicentennial.
There is one way.
Get the silver tongue.
If Jebediah's who I say he is
then it should still be in his grave.
(murmuring)
I guess, but human decency prevents--
Dig him up!
Dig up that corpse!
If you really love Jebediah Springfield
you'll haul his bones out of the ground
to prove my daughter wrong.
(chanting) Dig up his grave. Pull out his tongue.
Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end
with us digging up a corpse?
Now, Lisa, when you see
there's no silver tongue in there,
will you stop trying to ruin Jebediah's reputation?
Yes.
What do we win if the tongue is there?
Credibility.
Ah, what a gyp.
(gasping)
Jebediah Springfield
has been replaced with a skeleton.
No, that's the skeleton of Jebediah.
Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay, uh...
well, let's start looking for that silver tongue.
Don't forget to look in his shoes.
When I lose something
sometimes it turns up in my shoes.
Actually, if it's anywhere
it would be lodged in the sinus.
(chuckles)
All right, here goes.
Forgive us, Jebediah.
We mean no disrespect.
(all gasping)
Well, that settles that.
There is no silver tongue, is there, Bonesy?
Oh, I wish, Chief.
With that kind of dough, I could buy me some eyeballs.
(laughing)
That's the spirit, Bonesy.
Why don't you sing a song
for the nice people?
All right.
(clears throat)
♪ Camptown ladies sing this song ♪
♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah... ♪
I was so sure.
Hear ye, hear ye.
Everybody makes mistakes.
Let's go home.
Not so fast, Simpson.
This foul business was all your fault.
By the power vested in me
I hereby strip you of your ceremonial bell...
No! No!
and tricorner hat.
You will have the hat cleaned and then return it.
Oh...
Oh, Dad, I'm really sorry.
I know how much you wanted to be in the parade.
Oh, it's not your fault, honey.
I'm supposed to be the responsible one.
I shouldn't have let you let me get carried away.
(knocking)
Why did you dig up the bones of the past?
Why did you disturb the ghosts of history?
I-I-I...
(grunts)
General Washington?
You did some good work exposing Jebediah, Lisa.
Don't stop now.
There's just one piece left in the puzzle.
But I've caused so much trouble already, General Washington,
I can't go on.
We had quitters in the revolution too.
We called them Kentuckians.
Well, I'll just have to find
another little girl to be President.
What's your friend Janey's number?
No! Not Janey!
She'll pack the Supreme Court with boys.
Oh, let me help you, George Washington.
I still want to help you.
"I want to help you, George Washington"?
Even your dreams are square.
Can you open my milk, Mommy?
I'm not Mommy, Ralph.
I'm Miss Hoover.
(laughing)
The missing piece of the puzzle.
I've got it!
You? What are you doing here?
I was right about Jebediah
and now I can prove it.
Oh, please, not that claptrap again.
Haven't you hurt Jebediah enough
with your childish tales of pirate ships and fisticuffs
and a silver tongue that can't be found?
That's because you stole it.
That's a lie!
I'm an antiquarian, damn it!
It's my job to seek out the truth.
But when you found the truth, you couldn't take it.
You couldn't stand that you'd devoted your life to a fraud
so you covered it up, didn't you?
-Didn't you? -No!
No! That's preposterous.
I mean, I couldn't.
You-You can't.
Stop it!
Where's the silver tongue?
I thought no one would ever find it.
When I pried open the coffin, it was there.
That shiny tongue sticking out of his mouth
razzing my entire career.
My-My life.
Before the dust could settle, I pocketed it.
But I thought I had you fooled.
You did, until I realized that Jebediah's confession
was saying more than he meant it to.
How else could he have gotten this?
(gasps)
Sprungfeld must have taken it with him
when he ran off after the fight.
Exactly.
This celebration is a sham.
And it's all my fault.
We've got to get the word out
to every man, woman and child in town.
♪♪ (march)
Stop!
Stop everything!
Stop the parade!
What?
What's going on here?
This is highly unorthodox.
This is Lisa Simpson.
She's discovered something very important
about Jebediah Springfield that you need to hear.
(microphone feedback)
(clears throat)
People of Springfield,
I, um...
I don't know quite how to say this.
Don't be shy, little girl.
Think of Jebediah and the words will come.
I did a lot of research on Jebediah Springfield and--
I think I can pick her off.
Wait. Let's see what she has to say.
Jebediah Springfield was...
Jebediah was...
great.
I, um, just wanted to say that I've done some research
and uh... he was great.
Yeah.
Well said.
Great speech.
Jebediah would be proud of you.
♪♪ (march resumes)
Why didn't you tell them?
Because the myth of Jebediah has value too.
It's brought out the best in everyone in this town.
Regardless of who said it,
"A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man."
(gunshot)
(bell ringing)
Well, hey, it's Homer.
Good to see you, neigh--
Get lost.
Hear ye, hear ye!
Hear ye!
He is not the official town crier!
Police! Do something!
Well, I'd like to, ma'am, but he's too damn good.
Let him march, boys.
Let the man march.
♪♪ (old-time western)
♪ Hitch that team up, Jebediah Springfield ♪
♪ Whip them horses, let them wagons roll ♪
♪ That a people might embiggen America ♪
♪ That a man might embiggen ♪
♪ His soul ♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.