1 00:00:03,044 --> 00:00:06,131 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:10,677 D'oh! 3 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:12,387 -Ahh! -(tires screech) 4 00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:28,778 {\an8}♪♪ (fife and drum) 5 00:00:36,202 --> 00:00:37,996 {\an8}NARRATOR: 1796. 6 00:00:38,079 --> 00:00:41,249 {\an8}A fiercely determined band of pioneers leaves Maryland 7 00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:43,835 {\an8}after misinterpreting a passage in the Bible. 8 00:00:43,918 --> 00:00:46,463 {\an8}Their destination: New Sodom. 9 00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:48,798 {\an8}This is their story. 10 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,258 {\an8}This is going to be great. 11 00:00:50,341 --> 00:00:51,634 {\an8}I hope they show the time 12 00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:53,261 {\an8}where they traded guns to the Indians for corn. 13 00:00:53,344 --> 00:00:55,597 {\an8}And then the Indians shot them and took the corn. 14 00:00:57,098 --> 00:00:58,475 {\an8}Egad, a monster! 15 00:00:58,558 --> 00:01:00,560 {\an8}It's a horrible fiend! 16 00:01:00,643 --> 00:01:02,353 {\an8}It's some sort of land cow! 17 00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:05,273 {\an8}Stand back, fellow settlers. 18 00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:08,151 {\an8}(grunting) 19 00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:20,622 {\an8}(cheering) 20 00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:22,499 {\an8}Ye've saved our fledgling community. 21 00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:23,958 {\an8}Mr. Springfield 22 00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:25,210 {\an8}how can I hope 23 00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:26,377 {\an8}to achieve such greatness? 24 00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:34,511 {\an8}A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man. 25 00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:35,512 {\an8}(cheering) 26 00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:36,763 {\an8}Springfield rules! 27 00:01:36,846 --> 00:01:38,848 {\an8}Way to go, Springfield. 28 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,975 {\an8}"Embiggens?" Hm, I never heard that word 29 00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:42,310 {\an8}before I moved to Springfield. 30 00:01:42,393 --> 00:01:43,520 {\an8}I don't know why. 31 00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:44,938 {\an8}It's a perfectly cromulent word. 32 00:01:49,192 --> 00:01:50,777 Now, you all know 33 00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:54,030 Springfield's 200th birthday is only a week away. 34 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,866 Every class will do its part to make our local Bicentennial 35 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,536 just as memorable as our national Bicentennial. 36 00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:02,205 Of course, you children are too young to remember that 37 00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:04,332 with the possible exception of Kearney. 38 00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:06,709 Those tall ships really lifted 39 00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:09,170 the nation's spirits after Watergate. 40 00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:10,839 To celebrate our Bicentennial 41 00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:12,632 all 20 of you will write an essay 42 00:02:12,715 --> 00:02:14,300 about Jebediah Springfield. 43 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:16,219 And the best 18 will be put on file 44 00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:17,428 in the school library 45 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:19,472 available to anyone who requests them. 46 00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:20,849 Can we do illustrations? 47 00:02:20,932 --> 00:02:21,850 No. 48 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:24,644 Hey... 49 00:02:24,727 --> 00:02:25,895 they need volunteers 50 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,148 to play old-timey people in the parade. 51 00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:31,734 Look, I can be a butter churner, a typhoid carrier... 52 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,403 an apprentice. 53 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:35,029 I think I'll be an apprentice, Marge. 54 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:36,447 What kind of apprentice? 55 00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:38,533 That's for my master to decide. 56 00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:39,742 How about town crier? 57 00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:40,743 You'd be great at that. 58 00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:42,078 Do you think so? 59 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,538 Well, yeah, Dad, you're a big fat loudmouth. 60 00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:45,165 And you can walk when you have to. 61 00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:47,834 Well, if you kids believe in me that much, 62 00:02:47,917 --> 00:02:50,044 I'll give it my best shot. 63 00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:57,177 (door creaking) 64 00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:11,482 {\an8}Dangerous river crossings threatened life and limb 65 00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:14,903 {\an8}but helped our founding fathers save on bridge tolls. 66 00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,613 (coughing) Excuse me. 67 00:03:16,696 --> 00:03:18,406 I didn't mean to startle you 68 00:03:18,489 --> 00:03:20,533 but I do love to talk Jebediah. 69 00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:22,493 Even when I'm drinking my chicory. 70 00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,996 I'm the curator, Hollis Hurlbut. 71 00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:26,372 Hi. I'm Lisa Simpson. 72 00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:28,541 I'm here to research a report on Jebediah. 73 00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:29,834 Oh, you're in for a treat. 74 00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:31,377 You know, some historians 75 00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:34,088 consider Jebediah Springfield a minor patriot. 76 00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:36,633 But I think you'll find he's easily the equal 77 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:39,510 of William Dawes or even Samuel Otis. 78 00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:46,893 Congratulations, Ned. 79 00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:49,103 -You are our new town crier. -D'oh! 80 00:03:49,187 --> 00:03:50,897 May your shrill nasal voice 81 00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:53,191 ring throughout our streets and brains. 82 00:03:53,274 --> 00:03:56,194 Thankily-dank, Mayor. I shan't disappoint. 83 00:03:56,277 --> 00:03:58,071 Har ye, har ye. 84 00:03:58,154 --> 00:04:00,198 I declare myself pickled tink 85 00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:02,450 about Springfield's bicen-ciddily 86 00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:05,161 ti-ten-toodily- rin-tin-tennial... 87 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,537 day. 88 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:08,122 You su-diddily-uck, Flanders. 89 00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:09,332 Give me that. 90 00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:11,501 Hear ye, hear ye. 91 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:15,588 Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all. 92 00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:21,094 Chooseth Homer Simpson and he shalt rock thy world. 93 00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:23,179 Good God, he is fabulous. 94 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:26,391 He's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance. 95 00:04:26,474 --> 00:04:28,351 Top notch criering, I admit. 96 00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:30,395 But the hat and bell belong to Flanders, 97 00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:31,729 so no dice. 98 00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:33,940 Oh-ho-ho, they're just family heirlooms. 99 00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:36,401 That shouldn't stand in the way of Homer taking my job. 100 00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:37,610 Less chat, more hat. 101 00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:40,780 -(fabric ripping) -Woo-hoo! 102 00:04:40,863 --> 00:04:42,740 Hear ye, hear ye. 103 00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:47,036 The Homer Broadcasting System is on the air. 104 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,788 All hollering, all the time. 105 00:04:48,871 --> 00:04:50,581 I'm going to make... 106 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,333 You're to restrict your criering to the parade 107 00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,627 and selected pre-approved publicity events. 108 00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:55,628 Okay. 109 00:04:59,882 --> 00:05:02,635 This case holds our most treasured exhibit. 110 00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:05,596 Objects owned and used by Jebediah. 111 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,056 Here's his fife 112 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,892 upon which he sounded the sweet note of freedom. 113 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,728 His hatchet, which he hacked 114 00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:13,354 at the chains of oppression, 115 00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:14,522 and his... 116 00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:15,523 chamber pot. 117 00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:16,566 Wow! 118 00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:18,109 (bell dings) 119 00:05:18,192 --> 00:05:21,779 Excuse me, my microwave Johnnycakes are ready. 120 00:05:31,914 --> 00:05:34,334 (sputtering) 121 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:35,418 (plays shrill note) 122 00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:37,712 (gasps) 123 00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:44,010 "The secret confessions of Jebediah Springfield"? 124 00:05:44,093 --> 00:05:45,887 "Know ye who read this 125 00:05:45,970 --> 00:05:48,765 there is more to my life than history records..." 126 00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:52,018 Firstly, I did not tame the legendary buffalo. 127 00:05:52,101 --> 00:05:54,562 It was already tame. I merely shot it. 128 00:05:54,645 --> 00:05:57,774 Secondly, I have not always been known 129 00:05:57,857 --> 00:06:00,276 as Jebediah Springfield. 130 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,278 Until 1796, 131 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:06,532 I was Hans Sprungfeld, murderous pirate. 132 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:09,869 And the half-wits of this town will never learn the truth. 133 00:06:09,952 --> 00:06:11,829 (evil cackling) 134 00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:15,500 "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." 135 00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:17,085 Oh, my God! 136 00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:19,295 Our town hero is a fraud. 137 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:22,340 "I write this confession so that my infamy will live on 138 00:06:22,423 --> 00:06:26,677 long after my body has succumbed to my infectious diphtheria." 139 00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:27,678 Ew. 140 00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:28,638 (yells) 141 00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:31,766 Ugh. Agh. Ugh. Agh. 142 00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:39,649 HOLLIS: Here's Johnnycakes. 143 00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:42,735 Is everything okay? 144 00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:43,986 You look a bit flushed. 145 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:45,154 Oh, it's just the excitement 146 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:46,614 of studying Jebediah. 147 00:06:46,697 --> 00:06:48,449 Sounds like you've come down 148 00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:51,244 with a serious case of "Jebeditis." 149 00:06:51,327 --> 00:06:53,830 Just when I was getting over my "Chester A. Arthritis." 150 00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:56,249 (both chuckling) 151 00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:58,251 You had arthritis? 152 00:06:58,334 --> 00:06:59,460 Um... no. 153 00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:03,214 (bell ringing) 154 00:07:03,297 --> 00:07:05,675 Hear ye, hear ye! What's for breakfast? 155 00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:06,759 Toast. 156 00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,970 I don't understand thee, Marge. 157 00:07:09,053 --> 00:07:11,597 Hmm. Ye olde toast. 158 00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:13,683 Ooh! 159 00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:15,435 {\an8}What would you say if I told you 160 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:17,270 {\an8}that Jebediah Springfield wasn't as great 161 00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:19,564 {\an8}as he's cracked up to be? Look. 162 00:07:19,647 --> 00:07:21,232 Jebediah was really a vicious pirate 163 00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:23,067 named Hans Sprungfeld. 164 00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:25,361 His tongue was bitten off by a Turk 165 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,113 in a grog house fight. 166 00:07:27,196 --> 00:07:28,489 No tongue, eh? 167 00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:31,409 How did he talk and eat and laugh and love? 168 00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:34,454 He had a prosthetic tongue made out of silver. 169 00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:37,039 Yes. That'd do. 170 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:39,834 He was one of the evilest men of the 1780s. 171 00:07:39,917 --> 00:07:41,919 He even tried to kill George Washington. 172 00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:43,629 The dastard! 173 00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,761 Give me all your money. 174 00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:52,805 Never! 175 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:54,599 (laughing) 176 00:07:56,392 --> 00:07:59,270 (both grunting) 177 00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:07,904 Ooh! Ow! 178 00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:10,531 I got the white stars you wanted 179 00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:12,116 but I couldn't find any red hearts 180 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,368 yellow moons or green clovers. 181 00:08:14,452 --> 00:08:16,078 Well, I'll use it, 182 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:18,748 but I'm not paying for it. 183 00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:21,417 {\an8}The next time Hans Sprungfeld was seen 184 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:22,877 {\an8}he had changed his name 185 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,587 to Jebediah Springfield. 186 00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:25,838 Lisa, honey, 187 00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:27,924 when my family first came to this state, 188 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:31,844 they had a choice of living in Springfield or Stenchburg. 189 00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:34,722 You know why they chose Springfield? 190 00:08:34,805 --> 00:08:36,140 Because everyone knows Jebediah Springfield 191 00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:38,476 was a true American hero, end of story! 192 00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:41,187 I believe you, honey. 193 00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:42,480 You do? 194 00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:44,148 Of course I do. 195 00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:45,566 You're always right about this type of thing 196 00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:47,735 and for once, I want in on the ground floor. 197 00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:50,655 Oh, thanks, Dad. 198 00:08:50,738 --> 00:08:53,991 Ralph, "A," Janey, "A," 199 00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:55,701 and Lisa, for your-- 200 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:56,953 (clearing throat) essay, 201 00:08:57,036 --> 00:09:00,331 "Jebediah Springfield: Super Fraud," "F." 202 00:09:00,414 --> 00:09:01,541 But it's all true. 203 00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:03,125 Ah! This is nothing 204 00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:06,087 but dead-white-male bashing from a P.C. thug. 205 00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:08,631 It's women like you who keep the rest of us 206 00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:10,049 from landing a husband. 207 00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:12,593 Well, nice talking to you. 208 00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:14,178 (sobbing) 209 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:17,890 (door slams) 210 00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,267 Lisa? 211 00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:21,894 Miss Hoover thought I made the whole thing up. 212 00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:24,647 She called me a P.C. thug. 213 00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:26,857 I've been called a greasy thug, too, 214 00:09:26,941 --> 00:09:28,568 and it never stops hurting, 215 00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:30,111 so here's what we're going to do: 216 00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:31,988 grease ourselves up real good 217 00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:34,657 and trash that place with a baseball bat. 218 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,867 (sniffles) That won't help, Dad. 219 00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:38,578 No one's ever gonna believe me. 220 00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:39,912 But you have proof. 221 00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:41,038 We could go get that confession 222 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:42,290 out of Jebediah's fife. 223 00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:43,958 -We could? -Come on. 224 00:09:44,041 --> 00:09:45,918 We can use the baseball bat to smash open the case. 225 00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,878 -No baseball bat. -Oh! 226 00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:52,008 Hi, Mr. Hurlbut. 227 00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:53,259 Oh, you're back. 228 00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:55,469 And you've brought a friend. 229 00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:57,305 Town Crier. I'd like to ask you a few questions. 230 00:09:57,388 --> 00:10:00,725 One: where's the fife, and two: give me the fife. 231 00:10:00,808 --> 00:10:01,809 Hey! Stop! 232 00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:02,977 I've got nothing but respect 233 00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:04,312 for the office of town crier 234 00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:06,606 but this is well outside your jurisdiction. 235 00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:10,234 Oh, yeah? Well, put this in your fife and smoke it. 236 00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:11,902 What the-- 237 00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:13,779 That's Jebediah's secret confession. 238 00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:16,449 It proves he was a fraud. 239 00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:20,202 "The secret confession 240 00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:22,622 "of Jebediah Springfield. Know ye who reads..." 241 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,999 Oh. I think, Lisa, that you've been taken in 242 00:10:25,082 --> 00:10:26,626 by an obvious forgery. 243 00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:29,045 Unfortunately, historical research is plagued 244 00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:30,463 by this sort of hoax-- 245 00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:32,131 the so-called confession. 246 00:10:32,214 --> 00:10:35,259 It's just as phony as the Howard Hughes will, 247 00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:37,970 the Hitler diaries or the Emancipation Retraction. 248 00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:42,642 But it explains why there's no record of Jebediah before 1795. 249 00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:45,102 He was Hans Sprungfeld until then. 250 00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:46,854 That's preposterous. 251 00:10:46,937 --> 00:10:48,564 Now, get out! 252 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,484 You're banned from this historical society-- 253 00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:56,197 you and your children and your children's children. 254 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,032 For three months. 255 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:06,666 I'm not gonna give up. 256 00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:08,250 I refuse to believe 257 00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:09,877 that everyone refuses to believe the truth. 258 00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:17,760 I'd like 25 copies on goldenrod, um, 259 00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:21,347 25 on canary, 25 on saffron, 260 00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:23,015 and 25 on paella. 261 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,142 Okay. 100 yellow. 262 00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:26,686 {\an8}You don't have to help me with this, Dad. 263 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,145 Oh, sure I do. 264 00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:30,231 I always believe in helping the little guy 265 00:11:30,314 --> 00:11:32,400 and you're the littlest guy I know. 266 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:34,568 Question: Is your name Ridley Scott 267 00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:35,695 or James Cameron? 268 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:36,987 No, it's Homer. 269 00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:38,322 Then I would thank you 270 00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:40,324 to stop peering at my screenplay, Homer. 271 00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:42,201 If I see a movie where computers 272 00:11:42,284 --> 00:11:43,703 threaten our personal liberties, 273 00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:45,204 I will know that you stole my idea. 274 00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:46,914 I'm just waiting for my kid. 275 00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:48,165 HOMER'S BRAIN: Mental note: steal his idea. 276 00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:53,796 Hi, Apu. 277 00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:55,297 Can I put this poster in your window? 278 00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:57,466 Well, of course you can, you little pixie. 279 00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:00,886 Ooh! You are just as sweet as the stix which bear your name. 280 00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,014 (gasping) No, no, no. 281 00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:05,015 No, no, no, no. 282 00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,100 Take that down. 283 00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:07,601 As a semi-legal immigrant, 284 00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:09,979 your poster could land me in a predicament 285 00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:12,148 as red hot as the candies which bear that name. 286 00:12:14,316 --> 00:12:16,026 He wouldn't let me put it up. 287 00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:18,279 Okay. Well, that's not gonna stop us. 288 00:12:18,362 --> 00:12:20,990 I know a much better way to get attention. 289 00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:23,075 Hear ye, hear ye! 290 00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:25,286 My daughter has something to tell you 291 00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:26,912 about Jebediah Springfield. 292 00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:30,124 Aw! That little cutie wants to do something cute. 293 00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:32,376 Shut up, you bums, shut up! 294 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,920 Go ahead, angel. 295 00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:36,255 (clearing throat) 296 00:12:36,338 --> 00:12:37,923 Jebediah Springfield was nothing more 297 00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:39,467 than an evil, bloodthirsty pirate 298 00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:41,010 who hated this town. 299 00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:43,929 Good God! 300 00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:45,389 Homer, you know I support 301 00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:48,017 uh, most any prejudice you can name 302 00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:50,478 but your hero-phobia sickens me. 303 00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:52,438 You and your daughter ain't welcome here no more. 304 00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:54,106 Barney, show them the exit. 305 00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:55,649 There's an exit? 306 00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:57,359 Evil bloodthirsty pirate... 307 00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,653 Hello, Town Jubilation Committee? 308 00:12:59,737 --> 00:13:02,573 I got something that's going to make you a lot less jubilant. 309 00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:07,661 Can't you understand, little girl? 310 00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:09,413 Jebediah was no criminal. 311 00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:11,248 That's right. The reason they say 312 00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:12,458 he had a silver tongue 313 00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:14,668 is because he was such a fine speaker. 314 00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:16,962 That's a myth that got mixed up with the truth. 315 00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:19,840 You are tampering with forces you can't understand. 316 00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:21,467 We have major corporations 317 00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:22,635 sponsoring this event. 318 00:13:22,718 --> 00:13:23,719 I hope you know 319 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,221 you're sponsoring a celebration 320 00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:26,388 for a murderous pirate. 321 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:27,723 A pirate? 322 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,558 Well, that's hardly the image we want 323 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:30,768 for Long John Silver's. 324 00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,480 Well, I see no way of settling this. 325 00:13:34,563 --> 00:13:35,648 I say we imprison them 326 00:13:35,731 --> 00:13:37,733 for the duration of our Bicentennial. 327 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:38,734 There is one way. 328 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,152 Get the silver tongue. 329 00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:41,654 If Jebediah's who I say he is 330 00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:43,489 then it should still be in his grave. 331 00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:44,907 (murmuring) 332 00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:48,452 I guess, but human decency prevents-- 333 00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:49,662 Dig him up! 334 00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:51,622 Dig up that corpse! 335 00:13:51,705 --> 00:13:54,250 If you really love Jebediah Springfield 336 00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:56,335 you'll haul his bones out of the ground 337 00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:58,087 to prove my daughter wrong. 338 00:13:58,170 --> 00:14:00,548 (chanting) Dig up his grave. Pull out his tongue. 339 00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:02,341 Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end 340 00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:03,592 with us digging up a corpse? 341 00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,359 Now, Lisa, when you see 342 00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:22,069 there's no silver tongue in there, 343 00:14:22,152 --> 00:14:24,530 will you stop trying to ruin Jebediah's reputation? 344 00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:25,906 Yes. 345 00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,324 What do we win if the tongue is there? 346 00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:28,576 Credibility. 347 00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:29,577 Ah, what a gyp. 348 00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:35,291 (gasping) 349 00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:41,797 Jebediah Springfield 350 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,424 has been replaced with a skeleton. 351 00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:46,051 No, that's the skeleton of Jebediah. 352 00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:48,846 Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay, uh... 353 00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:51,140 well, let's start looking for that silver tongue. 354 00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:52,725 {\an8}Don't forget to look in his shoes. 355 00:14:52,808 --> 00:14:54,018 When I lose something 356 00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:55,144 sometimes it turns up in my shoes. 357 00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:56,437 Actually, if it's anywhere 358 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:57,980 it would be lodged in the sinus. 359 00:14:58,063 --> 00:15:00,024 (chuckles) 360 00:15:00,107 --> 00:15:01,609 All right, here goes. 361 00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:02,818 Forgive us, Jebediah. 362 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,320 We mean no disrespect. 363 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:07,865 (all gasping) 364 00:15:07,948 --> 00:15:09,450 Well, that settles that. 365 00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:12,578 There is no silver tongue, is there, Bonesy? 366 00:15:12,661 --> 00:15:14,288 Oh, I wish, Chief. 367 00:15:14,371 --> 00:15:16,123 With that kind of dough, I could buy me some eyeballs. 368 00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:17,207 (laughing) 369 00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:18,959 That's the spirit, Bonesy. 370 00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:19,960 Why don't you sing a song 371 00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:21,003 for the nice people? 372 00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:22,004 All right. 373 00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:23,297 (clears throat) 374 00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:25,007 ♪ Camptown ladies sing this song ♪ 375 00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:27,801 ♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah... ♪ 376 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,140 I was so sure. 377 00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:34,266 Hear ye, hear ye. 378 00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:35,726 Everybody makes mistakes. 379 00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:36,894 Let's go home. 380 00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:38,729 Not so fast, Simpson. 381 00:15:38,812 --> 00:15:41,065 This foul business was all your fault. 382 00:15:41,148 --> 00:15:42,900 By the power vested in me 383 00:15:42,983 --> 00:15:45,819 I hereby strip you of your ceremonial bell... 384 00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:49,239 No! No! 385 00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:52,284 and tricorner hat. 386 00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,536 You will have the hat cleaned and then return it. 387 00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:02,878 Oh... 388 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,672 {\an8}Oh, Dad, I'm really sorry. 389 00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:06,924 {\an8}I know how much you wanted to be in the parade. 390 00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:08,717 Oh, it's not your fault, honey. 391 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,261 I'm supposed to be the responsible one. 392 00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,806 I shouldn't have let you let me get carried away. 393 00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:27,027 (knocking) 394 00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:31,240 Why did you dig up the bones of the past? 395 00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:34,201 Why did you disturb the ghosts of history? 396 00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:35,786 I-I-I... 397 00:16:35,869 --> 00:16:36,745 (grunts) 398 00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:41,458 General Washington? 399 00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:44,920 You did some good work exposing Jebediah, Lisa. 400 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,672 Don't stop now. 401 00:16:46,755 --> 00:16:49,049 There's just one piece left in the puzzle. 402 00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:51,427 But I've caused so much trouble already, General Washington, 403 00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,220 I can't go on. 404 00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:55,514 We had quitters in the revolution too. 405 00:16:55,597 --> 00:16:57,516 We called them Kentuckians. 406 00:16:57,599 --> 00:16:59,435 Well, I'll just have to find 407 00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:01,395 another little girl to be President. 408 00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:03,564 What's your friend Janey's number? 409 00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:05,065 No! Not Janey! 410 00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:06,483 She'll pack the Supreme Court with boys. 411 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,778 Oh, let me help you, George Washington. 412 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,697 I still want to help you. 413 00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:15,325 "I want to help you, George Washington"? 414 00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:17,494 Even your dreams are square. 415 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,834 Can you open my milk, Mommy? 416 00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:25,419 I'm not Mommy, Ralph. 417 00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:26,628 I'm Miss Hoover. 418 00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:27,838 (laughing) 419 00:17:38,348 --> 00:17:40,809 The missing piece of the puzzle. 420 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,061 I've got it! 421 00:17:50,986 --> 00:17:53,489 You? What are you doing here? 422 00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:54,990 I was right about Jebediah 423 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,742 and now I can prove it. 424 00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:58,744 Oh, please, not that claptrap again. 425 00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:00,746 Haven't you hurt Jebediah enough 426 00:18:00,829 --> 00:18:03,540 with your childish tales of pirate ships and fisticuffs 427 00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:05,834 and a silver tongue that can't be found? 428 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,336 That's because you stole it. 429 00:18:07,419 --> 00:18:08,587 That's a lie! 430 00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:10,672 I'm an antiquarian, damn it! 431 00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:13,133 It's my job to seek out the truth. 432 00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:15,886 But when you found the truth, you couldn't take it. 433 00:18:15,969 --> 00:18:19,139 You couldn't stand that you'd devoted your life to a fraud 434 00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:20,974 so you covered it up, didn't you? 435 00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:22,059 -Didn't you? -No! 436 00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:23,685 No! That's preposterous. 437 00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,145 I mean, I couldn't. 438 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,563 You-You can't. 439 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:27,606 Stop it! 440 00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:29,525 Where's the silver tongue? 441 00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:47,334 I thought no one would ever find it. 442 00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:49,294 When I pried open the coffin, it was there. 443 00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:52,256 That shiny tongue sticking out of his mouth 444 00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:54,424 razzing my entire career. 445 00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,593 My-My life. 446 00:18:56,677 --> 00:19:00,222 Before the dust could settle, I pocketed it. 447 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:01,807 But I thought I had you fooled. 448 00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:04,685 You did, until I realized that Jebediah's confession 449 00:19:04,768 --> 00:19:07,396 was saying more than he meant it to. 450 00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:10,607 How else could he have gotten this? 451 00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:14,778 (gasps) 452 00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:16,363 Sprungfeld must have taken it with him 453 00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:17,865 when he ran off after the fight. 454 00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:21,493 Exactly. 455 00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:23,453 This celebration is a sham. 456 00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,497 And it's all my fault. 457 00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:27,082 We've got to get the word out 458 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,209 to every man, woman and child in town. 459 00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:30,669 ♪♪ (march) 460 00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,391 Stop! 461 00:19:44,474 --> 00:19:46,602 Stop everything! 462 00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:48,353 Stop the parade! 463 00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:49,479 What? 464 00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:51,148 What's going on here? 465 00:19:51,231 --> 00:19:52,900 This is highly unorthodox. 466 00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:55,027 This is Lisa Simpson. 467 00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:57,654 She's discovered something very important 468 00:19:57,738 --> 00:20:00,949 about Jebediah Springfield that you need to hear. 469 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,910 (microphone feedback) 470 00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:03,994 (clears throat) 471 00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:05,829 People of Springfield, 472 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:07,206 I, um... 473 00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:09,291 I don't know quite how to say this. 474 00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:10,792 Don't be shy, little girl. 475 00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:13,754 Think of Jebediah and the words will come. 476 00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:17,174 I did a lot of research on Jebediah Springfield and-- 477 00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:18,884 I think I can pick her off. 478 00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:20,761 Wait. Let's see what she has to say. 479 00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:26,308 Jebediah Springfield was... 480 00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:29,186 Jebediah was... 481 00:20:34,816 --> 00:20:36,568 great. 482 00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:40,614 I, um, just wanted to say that I've done some research 483 00:20:40,697 --> 00:20:45,369 and uh... he was great. 484 00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:50,958 Yeah. 485 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,752 Well said. 486 00:20:53,835 --> 00:20:55,045 Great speech. 487 00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:57,214 Jebediah would be proud of you. 488 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,718 ♪♪ (march resumes) 489 00:21:04,179 --> 00:21:05,514 Why didn't you tell them? 490 00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:08,308 Because the myth of Jebediah has value too. 491 00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:10,978 It's brought out the best in everyone in this town. 492 00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:12,646 Regardless of who said it, 493 00:21:12,729 --> 00:21:16,108 "A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man." 494 00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:18,944 (gunshot) 495 00:21:19,027 --> 00:21:20,904 (bell ringing) 496 00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:28,328 Well, hey, it's Homer. 497 00:21:28,412 --> 00:21:29,871 Good to see you, neigh-- 498 00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:31,707 Get lost. 499 00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:34,167 Hear ye, hear ye! 500 00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:36,253 Hear ye! 501 00:21:36,336 --> 00:21:38,588 He is not the official town crier! 502 00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:40,465 Police! Do something! 503 00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:42,968 Well, I'd like to, ma'am, but he's too damn good. 504 00:21:43,051 --> 00:21:44,636 Let him march, boys. 505 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,805 Let the man march. 506 00:22:00,861 --> 00:22:03,780 {\an8}♪♪ (old-time western) 507 00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:07,868 {\an8}♪ Hitch that team up, Jebediah Springfield ♪ 508 00:22:07,951 --> 00:22:11,997 {\an8}♪ Whip them horses, let them wagons roll ♪ 509 00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:16,001 {\an8}♪ That a people might embiggen America ♪ 510 00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:20,005 {\an8}♪ That a man might embiggen ♪ 511 00:22:20,088 --> 00:22:22,007 {\an8}♪ His soul ♪ 512 00:22:22,090 --> 00:22:24,509 {\an8}♪ His soul ♪ 513 00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:29,056 {\an8}♪ His soul ♪ 514 00:22:44,863 --> 00:22:46,281 Shh! 515 00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:51,495 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.