♪ The Simpsons ♪
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
ANNOUNCER: We now return to our
48-hour Itchy & Scratchy Diamond Jubilee Marathon--
celebrating 75 years of rib-tickling brutality
-and hilarious atrocities. -(slurping)
♪ The Itchy & Scratchy Show ♪
Ohh...
(yowls)
(laughing)
(grunting)
Lisa, if I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me.
Will do.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight, a stowaway bear
is terrorizing space shuttle astronauts.
But first, a sneak peek
at tomorrow's Itchy & Scratchy Parade.
Hello, everybody, I'm here live
on Main Street where dedicated fans
are already staking out the best seats for the big anniversary parade.
-(gasping) -BOTH: Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!
Bye, kids. On your way back, pick up a six-pack of beer.
Bart, Lisa, it's 11:00 at night.
Where do you think you are going?
-Downtown. -We got to get seats
for the Itchy & Scratchy Parade.
I won't have my children sitting alone
on a cold, dangerous street all night.
Homer, you go too.
Ohh! Why can't they just take the gun?
(yawning)
Hey, the comic book store is still open.
Save our seats.
Will do.
-Hello. -Ohh!
♪♪
Hey, sister, just give me a chance to get next to you.
(tires screech)
(cries out)
Hey, my threads, baby.
How come I've never seen that Itchy & Scratchy before?
Because you are a prepubescent ignoramus.
This is a bootleg copy
of Itchy & Scratchy Meets Fritz the Cat.
Because of its frank depiction of sex and narcotic consumption,
it is not for infantile intellect such as yours.
-Now toodle-oo. -(Bart groans)
Cool. I'll give you ten bucks for that.
Are you the creator of Hi and Lois?
Because you are making me laugh.
That drawing is worth exactly $750 American.
It's valuable, huh?
Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional.
I simply can't allow you to waste them here,
when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment.
-Go! Go! For the good of the city. -Loser.
(yawning)
-(crowd clamoring) -Ah, nertz.
-Which one's Itchy? The car? -The mouse.
Oh. I guess that's not him then.
Represented on this next float
is Roger Myers, Sr.
who founded his company in 1921
and struck it big
when he teamed up a mouse named Itchy
with a cat named Scratchy.
Here we see him creating the two comical characters
out of thoughts he plucks from his head.
And that man waving from the front of the float
is his son Roger Myers, Jr.
Oh, isn't this just the most fun
you've ever had in your life, Dave?
Yes, Suzanne. It is.
Oh, forget this. I'm out of here.
-(crowd cheering) -WOMAN: Bart!
SUZANNE: And now the parade has entered Bumtown.
Oh, it's all just so exciting, Dave.
DAVE: This certainly seems to be
-a poorly planned parade route. -(gunfire)
(glass breaking, alarms blaring)
(people yelling)
-(gunfire) -Uh-oh!
-(tires screeching) -(crowd clamoring)
Hey, wait up!
Pfft! Get out of Bumtown, you no-talent bum.
Show some respect, man. That no-talent created Itchy & Scratchy.
-He didn't create Itchy, I did. -Huh?
He stole the character from me in 1928.
When I complained, his thugs kicked me
out of his office and dropped an anvil on me.
Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.
You invented Itchy?
The Itchy & Scratchy Itchy?
Sure. In fact, I invented the whole concept
of cartoon violence.
Before I came along,
all cartoon animals did was play the ukulele.
I changed all that.
Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but...
but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
-So I'm a liar, am I? -(objects clatter)
"Itchy the Lucky Mouse in Manhattan Madness."
That's the first Itchy cartoon ever made
and it was made by me, Chester J. Lampwick.
Find me a 90-year-old projector, and I'll prove it to you.
♪♪
(silent picture music playing)
(Bart reading)
MILHOUSE: Look out Itchy, he's Irish!
(Bart and Milhouse laugh)
MILHOUSE: Come on Itchy, kill him! Kill that guy!
BART: Look at that fat oaf.
MILHOUSE: Shh! That's Teddy Roosevelt.
(Bart and Milhouse laughing)
(loud cheers)
-BART: All right Chester! -MILHOUSE: Way to go!
I can't believe it.
That was Itchy, alright.
You did invent him.
When people see this, you'll be rich and famous.
D'oh!
That was a nice film I had once.
Last time I try to impress a four-year-old.
Well, see you, kid.
You can't just go back to the gutter.
You created Itchy.
You should be a millionaire.
Eh, Roger Myers wouldn't give me a cent in the '20s.
Why would he give me anything now?
You asked Roger Myers Senior for money.
Roger Myers, Jr., is in charge of the studio, now.
He's a good man.
Every Christmas, he goes down to the pound
and rescues one cat and one mouse
and gives them to a hungry family.
The studio's closed until Tuesday.
Animators have A.A. on Monday.
Well, you can stay at my house until then.
My parents won't mind because they won't even know about it.
All right, the coast is clear.
There's a box you can sleep in.
-Thanks. -Just move that cot out of the way.
Okay.
-Do you know what radon is? -No.
-Good night. -(switch clicks)
-Spare change? -(coins jingling)
(coins clatter)
Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing
coming from the basement, and Dad's upstairs.
HOMER: Oh. It's just Bart and a mysterious stranger.
He's not a regular bum, Mom.
He's a genius bum.
He created Itchy,
and he's the father of cartoon violence.
-(yowls) -He just needs to stay here till tomorrow.
We're going down to Itchy & Scratchy Studios
to pick up his check.
Well, if it's just for one more night.
MYERS: So let's review.
You two screwballs have just strolled in here
fresh from the sewer and given me a bunch of bulldink
about creating Itchy with no proof at all,
and you expect me to give you...
how much?
$800 billion.
(both grunt)
Well... that brought back a lot of memories.
Alright gentlemen, I'll take your case,
but I'm going to have to ask
for a thousand-dollar retainer.
A thousand dollars?
But your ad says "no money down."
Oh! They got this all screwed up.
(squeaking)
-So you don't work on a contingency basis? -No. Money down.
Oops. I shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either.
Hey, Dad? Can I have a thousand dollars?
All right. Wait a minute! For what?
-To pay for a lawyer for my bum. -Forget it.
I thought I recognized you.
I gave you a plate of corn muffins
back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop,
and you never did it.
Those corn muffins were lousy.
-Paint my chicken coop! -Make me.
(thuds and groans)
That does it. One of them has to go.
-Okay. Grampa. -No. The B-U-M.
-Oh... -Wait, wait, wait.
There's an easy way to get rid of Chester
without the guilt of sending him back to the gutter...
And all it will cost you is a thousand dollars.
(gunshots over screaming and laughing)
Exhibit "A":
Steamboat Itchy, dated 1928--
the very first Itchy & Scratchy cartoon,
and the credits clearly state
"Written, directed and created
"by Roger Myers.
"Music by Roger Myers and George Gershwin.
"Produced by Roger Myers and Joseph P. Kennedy.
Copyright 1928 by Roger Myers."
You will also notice Mr. Myers' name and copyright notice
on the original drawings of the other members
of the Itchy & Scratchy family:
"Brown-nose Bear, Disgruntled Goat
"Flatulent Fox, Rich Uncle Skeleton,
and Dinner Dog."
My client's film predates all of those things, Your Honor.
Oh, yes! I've forgotten!
Your famous film!
The one you destroyed before the trial
and haven't been able to find another copy of.
Oh, yes, that film.
Yes.
You don't have a copy, do you?
Krusty, have you ever seen
this so-called animation genius before?
-Yes, I have! -You have?
I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence,
but he never did it.
Those blintzes were terrible.
-Paint my fence! -Make me.
You give me back those blintzes!
Order, order. We don't care about your blintzes.
Now, Mr. Lampwick,
when Roger Myers stole your character...
-Objection. -Sustained.
If I hear "objection" and "sustained"
one more time today, I think I'm going to scream.
-Objection. -Sustained.
(screaming)
Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters.
He stole them all.
-He stole them all? -(crowd murmuring)
The only characters Myers could ever come up with
were pathetic stick figures with the words "sarcastic horse"
and "manic mailman" printed on them, and they stank.
So he started stealing other people's characters.
-That's a lie! -Are you saying under oath, Mr. Myers,
that your father didn't steal any of the characters
associated with your studio?
Well, I don't think I am under oath,
but, yes, my father created them all
except for Flatulent Fox-- that was based on a true story--
but he did create Itchy.
That's one thing I am sure of.
Mr. Hutz, we've been in here for four hours.
Do you have any evidence at all?
Well, Your Honor,
we've got plenty of hearsay and conjecture.
Those are kinds of evidence.
Your Honor, I move for dismissal.
I've got it! Dad, give me $750.
Okay.
Keep the trial going.
I'll be right back.
Your Honor, I'd like to call
all of my surprise witnesses again.
(crowd groaning)
-(register rings) -MERCHANT: Thank you.
I knew I had seen this exact scene somewhere else.
It was in the movie Mr. Lampwick showed me.
Ladies and gentlemen, this drawing was made in 1919,
nine years before Roger Myers
made his first Itchy & Scratchy cartoon.
That could have been drawn by anyone at any time, Your Honor.
There's no signature or date.
Look under the frame, Brad.
Careful...
careful... whoops.
It's there!
Hmm...
"To Roger Myers, keep drawing.
"Your moxie more than makes up for your lack of talent.
"Your pal, Chester J. Lampwick.
September 3, 1919."
(crowd clamoring)
Okay, maybe my Dad did steal Itchy,
but so what?
Animation is built on plagiarism.
If it weren't for someone plagiarizing The Honeymooners,
we wouldn't have The Flintstones.
If someone hadn't ripped off Sgt. Bilko,
there'd be no Top Cat.
Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum, Yogi Bear. Hah!
Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, Art Carney.
Your Honor, you take away our right to steal ideas,
where are they going to come from?
Her?
Uh... hmm.
How about...
Ghost Mutt?
The court rules in favor of Mr. Lampwick.
Itchy & Scratchy Studios
will pay a restitution of $800 billion...
though that amount will probably come down a bit on appeal.
I hope you're happy, kid. The studio's bankrupt.
You just killed Itchy & Scratchy.
-We killed Itchy & Scratchy? -Good riddance.
Want to go celebrate?
I feel like liver and onions.
(smacking lips) Mmm...
(generator powering down)
What are you going to do with all your money, Mr. Lampwick?
Well, first off, here's your $1,000 back
for hiring that lawyer, and $750 for the drawing.
And here's a couple of bucks for your trouble.
Whoo-hoo! Look, Marge, a couple of bucks.
As for the rest of it, I'm going to buy the one thing
I've been dreaming of all the years I spent in the gutter--
a solid-gold house.
(whistling)
Well, Itchy & Scratchy are gone,
but here's a cartoon that tries to make learning fun.
(unenthusiastic chuckle)
Ohh.
Sorry about this, kids, but stay tuned.
We got some real good toy commercials
coming right up, I swear.
Hey! Who left all this garbage on the steps of Congress?
I'm not garbage.
♪ I'm an amendment to be ♪
♪ Yes, an amendment to be ♪
♪ And I'm hoping that they'll ratify me ♪
♪ There's a lot of flag burners ♪
♪ Who have got too much freedom ♪
♪ I want to make it legal for policemen to beat 'em ♪
♪ 'Cause there's limits to our liberties ♪
♪ 'Least I hope and pray that there are ♪
♪ 'Cause those liberal freaks go too far ♪
But why can't we just make a law against flag burning?
AMENDMENT: Because that law would be unconstitutional.
But if we change the constitution--
Then we could make all sorts of crazy laws!
Now you're catching on.
What the hell is this?
It's one those campy '70s throwbacks
that appeals to Generation Xers.
We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.
What if people say you're not good enough
to be in The Constitution?
♪ Then I'll crush all opposition to me ♪
♪ And I'll make Ted Kennedy pay ♪
♪ If he fights back, I'll say that he's gay ♪
Good news, amendment. They ratified you.
You're in the U.S. Constitution.
Oh, yeah! Door's open, boys.
-(loud yucking) -(gunshots and laughter)
(imitating Curly) Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.
So it's true.
Some cartoons do encourage violence.
Ow! We got to get Itchy & Scratchy back.
And soon!
-Ow! -Heh-heh.
You've got to make more Itchy & Scratchy cartoons.
The judge says it's okay as long as you pay Mr. Lampwick royalties.
Royalties? Ha!
I don't have the money to produce the cartoons.
I lost everything. I can't even keep
my Dad's head in the freaking cryogenic center anymore.
-(liquid dripping) -(thud)
You comfortable in there, Daddy?
Look, if money's the only problem,
I know a guy who has lots of it.
Shoe shine, sir?
Comb your hair for you?
-Sir? -Hmm.
Sir. Sir? Sir?
Okay, catch you on the way back.
-Oh, hi, kids. -Hi, Chester.
Listen. Would you pay
to make more Itchy & Scratchy cartoons?
-You'll get more royalties. -I don't need any more money.
I'm not greedy. As long as I've got my health, and my millions of dollars,
and my gold house, and my rocket car,
I don't need anything else.
-Yes, but-- -Not interested.
(snoring)
-Dad, can we have $183,000? -What for?
Lisa and I want to finance a series of animated cartoons.
Oh, forget it.
Oh... I give up.
-There's nothing we can do. -Yeah, I agree.
You want to start on trying to get Apu out of jail?
Okay.
Wait, kids! You can't give up on Itchy & Scratchy.
You're always so good at these things.
Why, together, you've reunited Krusty with his father,
gotten Principal Skinner's job back,
and helped Dr. Riviera
perform open-heart surgery on your father.
You've even foiled Sideshow Bob
on five separate occasions, and he's an evil genius.
You're right, Mom. I'm sure if we put our minds to it
we can solve this one too.
(gasps): Bart, look at this.
(panting) What a perfect plan.
Now, Roger Myers' hotel is just--
And so, when no one could think
of a plan to resurrect Itchy & Scratchy,
a young boy--
a wonderful, irrepressible young boy--
took it on his own to solve the problem.
He discovered that the postal service's "Mr. Zip" was just a rip-off
of my father's stick figure character "Manic Mailman."
So the government gave me a huge cash settlement
and Itchy & Scratchy Studios is back in business.
(generator powering up)
Thanks to you, Lester.
-(both gasp) -What the hell is going on?
I don't know, but it looks like
you might have a little competition all of a sudden.
Thanks, everybody, but I couldn't have done all this
without the help of my brainy sister Eliza.
(gasps)
I, too, owe many thanks to Lester and Eliza.
This is a great vindication for anybody
who was ever taking a bath, went to get the paper,
fell down, and had the door slam behind them
and the doorknob break off.
And I'd like to thank Lester
for reuniting me with my estranged wife.
(applause)
-I never even heard about that. -I don't understand it.
We're always the ones who solve these problems.
(panting)
I guess you don't need it now,
but we had a plan too.
Hey, great. Listen, write it down
and mail it to last week when I might have cared.
I've got cartoons to make, kids.
♪ ...and Scratchy Show ♪
(laughing)
Ah! Huh?
(chanting in Latin)
(cries out)
♪♪ (theme)
(both moan)
You kids must be so happy.
Your cute little cartoon friends are back on the air.
Yes, well, technically,
everything worked out all right, but...
-But? -Well...
I wasn't the one who solved the problem,
and neither was Lisa.
There's something unsettling about that.
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.