♪ The Simpsons ♪
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
ANNOUNCER: "Movie For A Rained-Out Ballgame" now returns to
Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure and the Muppets
in the 1977 film...
O princess fair, wilst thou grant me
thine dainty hoof in marriage?
O Sir Lies-A-Lot, I will!
Mmm.
(sexy growl)
Unhand the swine, you swain!
Come, piggy.
Back to Hamelot.
Not now, frog.
Me and Iron Pants are just getting acquainted.
(both grunting)
Dad, what's a Muppet?
Well, it's not quite a mop,
and it's not quite a puppet,
but, man...
(laughing)
So, to answer your question, I don't know.
BART: Why'd they make that one Muppet out of leather?
That's not a leather Muppet. That's Troy McClure.
Oh, back in the '70s, he was quite the teen heartthrob.
Yeah. Who'd have thought he'd turn out to be such a weirdo?
What are you talking about?
You know-- his bizarre personal life.
Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium.
-Why, I heard... -Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend.
People don't do that type of thing with fish.
Troy McClure's a perfect gentleman
like Bing Crosby or J.F.K.
I wonder where Troy is now?
TROY: Hey, these guys are all over the road.
-(siren blaring) -(animal yelping)
All right, Captain Rush-Rush.
Out of the car. Ow!
Oh, I'm seeing stars here.
No, just one.
Hi, I'm Troy McClure.
You may remember me from such films as
The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed
and They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall.
Uh... 'fraid not.
License, please.
Says here you need corrective lenses.
Put those glasses on, mister.
You wouldn't ask a handsome man like me
to wear glasses.
It'd be a crime against nature.
(groans)
Gaa! Well, they do kind of make you look like a nerd.
Tell you what, just go down to the D.M.V. tomorrow and try to pass that eye test.
I'll tear up this ticket but I'm still going to have to ask you for a bribe.
Hello, Marge. Hello, Marge.
How come no Chippendales dancers
ever come in to renew their licenses?
They carpool.
That's the problem.
Hey, I came here to get this revoked.
Troy McClure?
I thought he disappeared
after that scandal at the aquarium.
Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead.
No, what I said was he sleeps with the fishes.
-You see... -Uh, Tony, please, no.
I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo.
Whoa! Troy McClure!
Oh..! Hello, beautiful.
John Law tells me I might need to wear these glasses.
You? Nonsense. You're Troy McClure.
I remember you from such films as Meet Joe Blow
and Give My Remains to Broadway.
Stars like you don't need glasses.
Yech!
Now, Mr. McClure,
would you like to take off those glasses
and read the top line?
Uh... "W"
seven...
star, pound...
duh...
Look, Miss Bouvier.
As an actor, I depend on my remarkable looks.
If you could find it in your heart to pass me,
I'm sure I could find some way to repay you.
(gulping) Mubble.
Say, by buying you dinner?
That took a lot of class.
All these celebrities on the walls-- I just know
a big star like you is up there somewhere.
Uh, yes, I'm over there.
Selma (grunting): Hmm...
Hmm?
Hm-mmm.
-Ohm... -(yowls)
So, working at the D.M.V. must be very interesting.
Well, uh, I think I'm getting repetitive stress disorder
from scratching my butt all day.
(clearing throat)
Being a huge movie star must be good, too.
What are you working on now?
I've been reading a lot of scripts lately.
You know, it's a lot cheaper than going to the movies.
Well, thanks for holding up your end of the bargain.
I had a pretty good time.
Yeah, me too.
You need a ride somewhere?
Hey, get a load of this.
Troy McClure and what looks like a date.
Here you go, boys.
A little something for Page One.
Hey, Homer, isn't this your sister-in-law
on a date with Troy McClure?
Troy McClure.
He's a washed-up movie star.
He could be dating washed-up supermodels.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe those rumors about his fish fetish
weren't true after all.
Ah, this changes everything.
I'd pay to see him in a movie now.
If only that were possible.
(phone ringing)
Troy, my man, it's MacArthur Parker.
MacArthur Parker, the agent?
MacArthur Parker, my agent?
Just checking in, my friend.
So, how's my favorite client?
We haven't spoken in eight years.
Yes. So, I saw the papers today, Troy.
Looking good.
That wholesome stuff really helps
when I'm trying to find you work.
You haven't found me work in 12 years.
Oh, you... Uh, jury duty is work.
And, listen, you keep getting seen in public
with human females, and I can get you work
in the entertainment industry.
Hey...
Hello, Selma Bouvier? It's Troy McClure.
You may remember me from such dates
as last night's dinner.
That's right, boys, Troy's back from the gutter
and he's brought someone with him.
(theatrical laughter)
That's too funny.
I can't remember when I've heard a funnier anecdote.
Okay, now, you tell one.
Well, not much happens to me,
but I once had dinner with a movie star,
and it was the most wonderful night of my life.
Really? Who was it, George Segal?
I hear he plays the banjo.
Um, yeah...
(gasping)
(crowd murmurs)
Excuse me, I ordered a Zima, not emphysema.
Please, don't smoke in our restaurant.
We don't serve contemporary California cuisine
in your lungs.
Troy, uh, I'm sorry I ruined our evening.
I have to go now.
Oh, my God.
(labored breathing)
Oh, God, I'm such a fool.
Got a light?
(both coughing)
Oh...
Sounds like you're really falling for him.
What's the matter, I'm not fun enough for you?
Patty. Go on, Selma, tell me more.
I don't want to jinx it, Marge, but this could be it.
He asked me out again this Friday.
He's taking me to a special screening
of his latest film.
You know, smoke actually smells good
when it's coming out of you.
Oh, I'm all out.
Here. Try one of my cigars.
Mmm.
My God, it's like five cigarettes at once!
Oh. My head is swimming.
That's not cigars, baby.
That's love.
(echoing movie dialogue) No longer canst I
conceal my love, my wimpled turtledove.
-Whoa! -Whoa!
O princess fair, wilst thou grant me
thine dainty hoof in marriage?
Oh, Troy, I will!
Mmm, mmm... Whoa.
Just a second, baby.
-Mmm, mmm... -Mmm, mmm...
Tonight, '70s leading man Troy McClure
has finally met the woman of his dreams.
We may remem-- A woman! Huh!
Okay. We may remember Troy from such films
as The Verdict Was Mail Fraud, and Leper in the Backfield.
(chuckling) With his high-profile romance,
Troy's managed to shake the rumors
that have dogged his career,
and with news of his upcoming wedding,
rumor has it he's up for some very choice roles.
Looks like you were wrong when you called him
a washed-up deviant, eh, Lori?
(chuckles) All right.
SELMA: Make sure my iguana's okay.
Selma, Jub Jub is fantastic.
He's everywhere you want to be.
Welcome to your new home, baby.
It's fantastic!
Garbage collection is Monday.
If you want to throw out a box, you have to cut it up.
It's so modern...
it's ultramodern.
Like living in the not-too-distant future.
Now, you make yourself at home here.
I'll be sleeping downstairs in the visitors center.
Oh... okay.
I'll see you in the morning. And get ready for tennis.
It comes on at 10. (clicks tongue)
(ringing)
Troy, Mac Parker.
Ever hear of Planet of the Apes?
Uh... the movie or the planet?
The brand-new multimillion-dollar musical,
and you are starring...
as the human.
It's the part I was born to play, baby.
Help. The human's about to escape.
Get your paws off me, you dirty ape.
(gasping) He can talk.
He can talk, he can talk, he can talk,
he can talk, he can talk.
♪ I can sing! ♪
Ooh! Help me, Dr. Zaius.
("Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco playing)
♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪
♪ Oh, Dr. Zaius ♪
♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪
♪ What's wrong with me? ♪
♪ I think you're crazy ♪
♪ Want a second opinion ♪
♪ You're also lazy ♪
♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪
♪ Oh, Dr. Zaius ♪
♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪
♪ Can I play the piano anymore? ♪
♪ Of course you can ♪
♪ Well, I couldn't before... ♪
This play has everything.
Oh, I love legitimate theater.
♪ I hate every ape I see ♪
♪ From chimpan-a to chimpanzee ♪
♪ No, you'll never make a monkey
♪ Out of me ♪
♪ Oh, my God, I was wrong ♪
♪ It was Earth all along ♪
♪ You've finally made a monkey ♪
♪ Yes, we finally made a monkey ♪
♪ Yes, you finally ♪
♪ Made a monkey ♪
♪ Out of me ♪
I love you, Dr. Zaius.
(cheering and applause)
Thank you. It's great to be back.
I just want to say, I wouldn't be here
without the support of a very special lady,
my always outrageous fiancée, Selma.
Take a bow, Sugar Beet.
Oh, well. Thank you.
Down in front!
My good looks paid for that pool,
and my talent filled it with water.
Hi, I'm Troy McClure, your future uncle.
Hi. I remember you from such filmstrips
as Locker Room Towel Fight: The Blinding of Larry Driscoll.
You know, I was one of the first to speak out against horseplay.
-Uh-huh. -Remember when we were kids,
we used to dream about our ideal husbands?
Who knew the dream would come true for one of us?
Oh, come on. Guess which one?
I know, I know. It's Selma, right?
TROY (slurring words): Yeah. It's a good idea, Homer,
but they've already made some movies about World War II.
Ah, hell.
Well, what about Dracula?
Homer, I'm really touched you invited me out on the town.
You're going to be a four-star brother-in-law.
Troy, buddy, I got to know.
What's a great guy like you
want to marry a guy like Selma?
-Come here, Homer. -Okay.
I'll let you in on a little secret.
(whispering)
(laughing)
And do you, Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Bouvier
take the fabulous Troy McClure
to be your lawful wedded husband?
-I already told you, yes. -If anyone here knows why
this couple should not be wed in holy matrimony,
let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
(humming Rock Part 2 by Gary Glitter to himself): ♪ Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, hey! ♪
♪ Dah-dah, dah-dah ♪
♪ Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, hey! ♪
♪ Dah-dah ♪
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may now kiss each other.
♪♪
This is the best day of my life.
It's a good day for me, too, baby.
Now, smile.
We're going to be on every newsstand
in the country.
Hey, look what I snagged, Marge--
the candy bride and groom from the wedding cake.
(metallic crunching)
Oh!
Mmm... pointy.
It was a beautiful wedding.
I've never seen Selma happier.
That reminds me.
Troy said something interesting last night at the bar.
Apparently, he doesn't really love Selma,
and the marriage is just a sham to help his career.
Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle.
What? Oh, my God!
HOMER: Marge, could you close your eyes?
I'm trying to sleep.
There.
This better be important. It's my wedding night.
I'm trying to sleep.
Hey, sleep is for has-beens my friend.
and you're about to have a very crowded schedule.
This marriage scam is paying off big time.
-Phone for you. -T. McC.
Troy, darling, come to bed.
I want to see the Troy McClure I remember
from such films as Make-Out King of Montana
and The Electric Gigolo.
(low chuckling)
Yeah, in a minute, darling.
Well, she may be helping my career
but she's starting to cramp my style.
Oh, who cares? The offers are rolling in.
Paramount wants you for a buddy comedy
with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant.
-Those sick freaks? -Okay, then get this.
I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick
in, brace yourself, the new McBain movie.
McBain's sidekick? Hot damn!
I'm going to Sea World!
Selma...
about you and Troy--
we're not sure he's... all he seems.
Marge is right.
He's wrong for you.
Better you find out sooner than later.
Wrong for me? How?
Oh, I get it.
My sisters have come down
with a case of the green-eyed gazongas.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
You're stuck in a menial job
you'll be doing ten years after you die.
And you're tied down to a man
who'd have to bathe to be a slob.
Selma, Troy doesn't love you at all.
He's only using you
to squelch the rumors about his bizarre personal life
and further his career.
(grumbles) You don't know what you're talking about.
I have to go now and see Troy.
(door opens, closes)
(tires screech)
Is this a sham marriage?
Sure, baby, is that a problema?
You married me just to help your career?
You make it sound so sordid.
Look, don't we have a good time together?
Yes, but--
Don't you have everything you ever wanted here--
money, security, a big, hot, flat rock for Jub Jub?
But... don't you love me?
Sure, I do, like I love Fresca.
Isn't that enough? The only difference
between our marriage and anyone else's is,
we know ours is a sham.
Are you gay?
Gay? I wish.
If I were gay, there'd be no problem.
No, what I have is a romantic abnormality--
One so unbelievable that it must be hidden
from the public at all costs.
-You see-- -Stop.
You're asking me to live a lie.
I don't know if I can do that.
It's remarkably easy.
Just smile for the cameras and enjoy Mr. Troy's Wild Ride.
You'll go to the right parties, meet the right people.
Sure, you'll be a sham wife, but you'll be the envy
of every other sham wife in town.
So, what do you say, baby?
Tell me again about Mr. Troy's Wild Ride.
One day my lady Selma's going to have a star
right next to mine.
So, watch out,
Laszlo Panaflex.
Yay! Yay! Yay!
Tonight, all Hollywood's wondering who'll be chosen
to co-star in the big new McBain picture,
McBain IV-- Fatal Discharge.
(rings)
Oh, you watching?
Mac, you gotta get me that part.
I will, but you got to do something for me.
Problem is, the big parts these days are all going to family men.
But I already got married.
Yeah, but for a role like this, you got to pour it on.
You and, uh, wife have got to have a baby.
A baby, eh? What do I do?
I'll send you over a pamphlet.
Listen, you can't buy that kind of P.R.
But you can get it for nothing by having a baby,
which by the way, your insurance will cover,
except for the deductible,
which I'll reimburse you for if you get the part,
which you will, if you have a baby.
C'est Troy bien.
Okay. Now listen. Let's talk baby names.
You can't use Montana, Dakota or Florida.
-They're taken. -Mmm. Oregon?
Oh, Pacific Northwest, very hot.
Having a child?
That's a big step.
You bet it is. Think what it'll mean.
Not just the McBain movie, but maybe my own fragrance--
Smellin' of Troy.
It is probably my last chance to be a mommy.
-Cigarette, Mrs. McClure? -You bet.
From now on, she's smoking for two.
Ah, come here, Tiger.
(sexy growl)
Would you like some wine?
Yes.
(weak growl)
Uh, why don't you come over here
and make yourself more comfortable?
No. Why don't you come over here
and make yourself comfortable?
I'm sorry.
This whole concept's foreign to me.
Who knew a baby would be so much work?
Having a baby isn't supposed to be work.
It's supposed to be an expression of the feelings
we're supposed to have for each other.
Oh, like how we built that snowman together
in that Newport ad?
Remember how alive with pleasure they said we were?
Look, I'm sorry.
A loveless marriage is one thing.
We're not hurting anybody.
But bringing a child into a loveless family
is something I just can't do.
Oh, great. We'll adopt.
I'll call my agent.
He'll find some kid who wants in on the deal.
Good-bye, Troy.
I'll always remember you...
but not from your films.
Come on, Jub Jub.
Let's go home,
and I'll microwave you some nice roaches.
(croaks)
In a bold move that has stunned Hollywood insiders
newly divorced comeback kid, Troy McClure
has turned down the supporting lead
in McBain IV to direct and star in his own pet project--
The Contrabulus Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel.
Will the gambit pay off?
20th Century-Fox is betting it will.
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.