1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:06,589 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:07,799 (tires screech) 3 00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:10,719 D'oh! 4 00:00:10,802 --> 00:00:12,345 -Aah! -(tires screech) 5 00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:29,654 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: "Movie For A Rained-Out Ballgame" now returns to 6 00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:32,240 {\an8}Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure and the Muppets 7 00:00:32,323 --> 00:00:34,117 {\an8}in the 1977 film... 8 00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:39,080 {\an8}O princess fair, wilst thou grant me 9 00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:40,623 {\an8}thine dainty hoof in marriage? 10 00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:43,793 {\an8}O Sir Lies-A-Lot, I will! 11 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,128 {\an8}Mmm. 12 00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:46,421 {\an8}(sexy growl) 13 00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:48,214 {\an8}Unhand the swine, you swain! 14 00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:49,257 {\an8}Come, piggy. 15 00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:50,675 {\an8}Back to Hamelot. 16 00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:52,510 {\an8}Not now, frog. 17 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:55,388 {\an8}Me and Iron Pants are just getting acquainted. 18 00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:58,224 {\an8}(both grunting) 19 00:00:58,308 --> 00:00:59,726 {\an8}Dad, what's a Muppet? 20 00:00:59,809 --> 00:01:01,936 {\an8}Well, it's not quite a mop, 21 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,855 {\an8}and it's not quite a puppet, 22 00:01:03,938 --> 00:01:04,939 {\an8}but, man... 23 00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:06,858 {\an8}(laughing) 24 00:01:06,941 --> 00:01:08,610 {\an8}So, to answer your question, I don't know. 25 00:01:08,693 --> 00:01:11,071 {\an8}BART: Why'd they make that one Muppet out of leather? 26 00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:13,782 {\an8}That's not a leather Muppet. That's Troy McClure. 27 00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:17,494 {\an8}Oh, back in the '70s, he was quite the teen heartthrob. 28 00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:20,705 {\an8}Yeah. Who'd have thought he'd turn out to be such a weirdo? 29 00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:22,123 {\an8}What are you talking about? 30 00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:24,125 {\an8}You know-- his bizarre personal life. 31 00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:27,587 {\an8}Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. 32 00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:30,131 {\an8}-Why, I heard... -Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. 33 00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:32,675 {\an8}People don't do that type of thing with fish. 34 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,636 Troy McClure's a perfect gentleman 35 00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:37,388 like Bing Crosby or J.F.K. 36 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:40,141 I wonder where Troy is now? 37 00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:49,150 TROY: Hey, these guys are all over the road. 38 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:50,568 -(siren blaring) -(animal yelping) 39 00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:57,158 All right, Captain Rush-Rush. 40 00:01:57,242 --> 00:01:58,785 Out of the car. Ow! 41 00:01:58,868 --> 00:02:01,788 Oh, I'm seeing stars here. 42 00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,081 No, just one. 43 00:02:03,164 --> 00:02:04,749 Hi, I'm Troy McClure. 44 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,209 You may remember me from such films as 45 00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:08,169 The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed 46 00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:10,380 and They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall. 47 00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:12,340 Uh... 'fraid not. 48 00:02:12,423 --> 00:02:13,591 License, please. 49 00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:17,679 Says here you need corrective lenses. 50 00:02:17,762 --> 00:02:19,806 Put those glasses on, mister. 51 00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:22,225 You wouldn't ask a handsome man like me 52 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:23,309 to wear glasses. 53 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,979 It'd be a crime against nature. 54 00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:28,022 (groans) 55 00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:31,526 Gaa! Well, they do kind of make you look like a nerd. 56 00:02:31,609 --> 00:02:35,029 Tell you what, just go down to the D.M.V. tomorrow and try to pass that eye test. 57 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:39,033 I'll tear up this ticket but I'm still going to have to ask you for a bribe. 58 00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:45,540 Hello, Marge. Hello, Marge. 59 00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:47,792 How come no Chippendales dancers 60 00:02:47,876 --> 00:02:50,336 ever come in to renew their licenses? 61 00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:51,796 They carpool. 62 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,131 That's the problem. 63 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:58,428 Hey, I came here to get this revoked. 64 00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:00,555 Troy McClure? 65 00:03:00,638 --> 00:03:01,890 I thought he disappeared 66 00:03:01,973 --> 00:03:03,516 after that scandal at the aquarium. 67 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,477 Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead. 68 00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:09,731 No, what I said was he sleeps with the fishes. 69 00:03:09,814 --> 00:03:11,941 -You see... -Uh, Tony, please, no. 70 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,152 I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo. 71 00:03:15,778 --> 00:03:18,823 Whoa! Troy McClure! 72 00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:25,997 Oh..! Hello, beautiful. 73 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:29,375 John Law tells me I might need to wear these glasses. 74 00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:32,754 You? Nonsense. You're Troy McClure. 75 00:03:32,837 --> 00:03:36,216 I remember you from such films as Meet Joe Blow 76 00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:39,552 and Give My Remains to Broadway. 77 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:41,304 Stars like you don't need glasses. 78 00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:45,141 Yech! 79 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,809 Now, Mr. McClure, 80 00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:48,394 would you like to take off those glasses 81 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:49,896 and read the top line? 82 00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:54,108 Uh... "W" 83 00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:55,777 seven... 84 00:03:55,860 --> 00:03:57,528 star, pound... 85 00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:58,821 duh... 86 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,699 Look, Miss Bouvier. 87 00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:04,452 As an actor, I depend on my remarkable looks. 88 00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:09,165 If you could find it in your heart to pass me, 89 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,167 I'm sure I could find some way to repay you. 90 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,961 (gulping) Mubble. 91 00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,213 Say, by buying you dinner? 92 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:21,219 That took a lot of class. 93 00:04:26,349 --> 00:04:28,893 All these celebrities on the walls-- I just know 94 00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:31,396 a big star like you is up there somewhere. 95 00:04:31,479 --> 00:04:34,565 Uh, yes, I'm over there. 96 00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:36,401 Selma (grunting): Hmm... 97 00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:37,819 Hmm? 98 00:04:37,902 --> 00:04:39,862 Hm-mmm. 99 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:42,573 -Ohm... -(yowls) 100 00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:46,869 So, working at the D.M.V. must be very interesting. 101 00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:50,248 Well, uh, I think I'm getting repetitive stress disorder 102 00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:52,208 from scratching my butt all day. 103 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,627 (clearing throat) 104 00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:57,672 Being a huge movie star must be good, too. 105 00:04:57,755 --> 00:04:59,465 What are you working on now? 106 00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:01,718 I've been reading a lot of scripts lately. 107 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:04,637 You know, it's a lot cheaper than going to the movies. 108 00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:12,562 Well, thanks for holding up your end of the bargain. 109 00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:13,855 I had a pretty good time. 110 00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:15,023 Yeah, me too. 111 00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,399 You need a ride somewhere? 112 00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:17,942 Hey, get a load of this. 113 00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:19,527 Troy McClure and what looks like a date. 114 00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:23,781 Here you go, boys. 115 00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:25,616 A little something for Page One. 116 00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:32,582 Hey, Homer, isn't this your sister-in-law 117 00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,125 on a date with Troy McClure? 118 00:05:34,208 --> 00:05:35,293 Troy McClure. 119 00:05:35,376 --> 00:05:36,919 He's a washed-up movie star. 120 00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:39,380 He could be dating washed-up supermodels. 121 00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:41,049 Well, I don't know. 122 00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:43,051 Maybe those rumors about his fish fetish 123 00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,469 weren't true after all. 124 00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:46,262 Ah, this changes everything. 125 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,473 I'd pay to see him in a movie now. 126 00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:49,849 If only that were possible. 127 00:05:53,936 --> 00:05:55,355 (phone ringing) 128 00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:57,648 Troy, my man, it's MacArthur Parker. 129 00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,317 MacArthur Parker, the agent? 130 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,069 MacArthur Parker, my agent? 131 00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:02,653 Just checking in, my friend. 132 00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,655 So, how's my favorite client? 133 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,491 We haven't spoken in eight years. 134 00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:09,535 Yes. So, I saw the papers today, Troy. 135 00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,079 Looking good. 136 00:06:11,162 --> 00:06:12,497 That wholesome stuff really helps 137 00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:14,123 when I'm trying to find you work. 138 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,417 You haven't found me work in 12 years. 139 00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,753 Oh, you... Uh, jury duty is work. 140 00:06:18,836 --> 00:06:21,089 And, listen, you keep getting seen in public 141 00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:23,383 with human females, and I can get you work 142 00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:24,842 in the entertainment industry. 143 00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:29,389 Hey... 144 00:06:32,016 --> 00:06:35,311 Hello, Selma Bouvier? It's Troy McClure. 145 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,021 You may remember me from such dates 146 00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:38,564 as last night's dinner. 147 00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:44,237 That's right, boys, Troy's back from the gutter 148 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,656 and he's brought someone with him. 149 00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:48,366 (theatrical laughter) 150 00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:50,076 That's too funny. 151 00:06:50,159 --> 00:06:52,662 I can't remember when I've heard a funnier anecdote. 152 00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:54,539 Okay, now, you tell one. 153 00:06:54,622 --> 00:06:56,707 Well, not much happens to me, 154 00:06:56,791 --> 00:07:00,128 but I once had dinner with a movie star, 155 00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:03,589 and it was the most wonderful night of my life. 156 00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:05,883 Really? Who was it, George Segal? 157 00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,343 I hear he plays the banjo. 158 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:10,847 Um, yeah... 159 00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,140 (gasping) 160 00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:14,642 (crowd murmurs) 161 00:07:14,725 --> 00:07:17,520 Excuse me, I ordered a Zima, not emphysema. 162 00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:19,730 Please, don't smoke in our restaurant. 163 00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:22,442 We don't serve contemporary California cuisine 164 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:23,776 in your lungs. 165 00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:29,699 Troy, uh, I'm sorry I ruined our evening. 166 00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:31,909 I have to go now. 167 00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:33,453 Oh, my God. 168 00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:35,746 (labored breathing) 169 00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:40,001 Oh, God, I'm such a fool. 170 00:07:40,084 --> 00:07:43,212 Got a light? 171 00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:50,511 (both coughing) 172 00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:52,847 Oh... 173 00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:57,101 Sounds like you're really falling for him. 174 00:07:57,185 --> 00:07:59,896 What's the matter, I'm not fun enough for you? 175 00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:02,482 Patty. Go on, Selma, tell me more. 176 00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:05,735 I don't want to jinx it, Marge, but this could be it. 177 00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,528 He asked me out again this Friday. 178 00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:08,905 He's taking me to a special screening 179 00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:09,864 of his latest film. 180 00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:19,916 You know, smoke actually smells good 181 00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:21,834 when it's coming out of you. 182 00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:22,919 Oh, I'm all out. 183 00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:25,505 Here. Try one of my cigars. 184 00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:30,384 Mmm. 185 00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:36,807 My God, it's like five cigarettes at once! 186 00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:40,520 Oh. My head is swimming. 187 00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:41,979 That's not cigars, baby. 188 00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:44,065 That's love. 189 00:08:44,148 --> 00:08:45,983 (echoing movie dialogue) No longer canst I 190 00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,152 conceal my love, my wimpled turtledove. 191 00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:49,987 -Whoa! -Whoa! 192 00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:52,323 O princess fair, wilst thou grant me 193 00:08:52,406 --> 00:08:54,158 thine dainty hoof in marriage? 194 00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:57,578 Oh, Troy, I will! 195 00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:03,334 Mmm, mmm... Whoa. 196 00:09:03,417 --> 00:09:04,585 Just a second, baby. 197 00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,380 -Mmm, mmm... -Mmm, mmm... 198 00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:12,760 Tonight, '70s leading man Troy McClure 199 00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:15,179 has finally met the woman of his dreams. 200 00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:18,099 We may remem-- A woman! Huh! 201 00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:21,143 Okay. We may remember Troy from such films 202 00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:24,105 as The Verdict Was Mail Fraud, and Leper in the Backfield. 203 00:09:27,858 --> 00:09:30,695 (chuckling) With his high-profile romance, 204 00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:32,154 Troy's managed to shake the rumors 205 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,864 that have dogged his career, 206 00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:36,158 and with news of his upcoming wedding, 207 00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:39,078 rumor has it he's up for some very choice roles. 208 00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:41,122 Looks like you were wrong when you called him 209 00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:42,373 a washed-up deviant, eh, Lori? 210 00:09:42,456 --> 00:09:43,958 (chuckles) All right. 211 00:09:44,041 --> 00:09:46,210 SELMA: Make sure my iguana's okay. 212 00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:51,507 Selma, Jub Jub is fantastic. 213 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,884 He's everywhere you want to be. 214 00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,761 Welcome to your new home, baby. 215 00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:57,263 It's fantastic! 216 00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:02,768 Garbage collection is Monday. 217 00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:04,395 If you want to throw out a box, you have to cut it up. 218 00:10:04,478 --> 00:10:05,813 It's so modern... 219 00:10:05,896 --> 00:10:07,315 it's ultramodern. 220 00:10:07,398 --> 00:10:09,650 Like living in the not-too-distant future. 221 00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,777 Now, you make yourself at home here. 222 00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,488 I'll be sleeping downstairs in the visitors center. 223 00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:16,324 Oh... okay. 224 00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:18,784 I'll see you in the morning. And get ready for tennis. 225 00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:21,912 It comes on at 10. (clicks tongue) 226 00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:23,623 (ringing) 227 00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:25,082 Troy, Mac Parker. 228 00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:27,293 Ever hear of Planet of the Apes? 229 00:10:27,376 --> 00:10:29,587 Uh... the movie or the planet? 230 00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:32,840 The brand-new multimillion-dollar musical, 231 00:10:32,923 --> 00:10:35,343 and you are starring... 232 00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:36,969 as the human. 233 00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:39,430 It's the part I was born to play, baby. 234 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,983 Help. The human's about to escape. 235 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,110 Get your paws off me, you dirty ape. 236 00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,821 (gasping) He can talk. 237 00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:58,074 He can talk, he can talk, he can talk, 238 00:10:58,157 --> 00:10:59,742 he can talk, he can talk. 239 00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:03,079 ♪ I can sing! ♪ 240 00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,122 Ooh! Help me, Dr. Zaius. 241 00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:07,625 ("Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco playing) 242 00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:09,627 ♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪ 243 00:11:09,710 --> 00:11:12,171 ♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪ 244 00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:14,382 ♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪ 245 00:11:14,465 --> 00:11:16,175 ♪ Oh, Dr. Zaius ♪ 246 00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:17,843 ♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪ 247 00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,095 ♪ What's wrong with me? ♪ 248 00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:20,346 ♪ I think you're crazy ♪ 249 00:11:20,429 --> 00:11:21,847 ♪ Want a second opinion ♪ 250 00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:23,099 ♪ You're also lazy ♪ 251 00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,017 ♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪ 252 00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:27,436 ♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪ 253 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,730 ♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪ 254 00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,066 ♪ Oh, Dr. Zaius ♪ 255 00:11:32,149 --> 00:11:33,567 ♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪ 256 00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:35,444 ♪ Can I play the piano anymore? ♪ 257 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,154 ♪ Of course you can ♪ 258 00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:38,698 ♪ Well, I couldn't before... ♪ 259 00:11:43,911 --> 00:11:45,830 This play has everything. 260 00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:49,208 Oh, I love legitimate theater. 261 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:54,588 ♪ I hate every ape I see ♪ 262 00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:58,175 ♪ From chimpan-a to chimpanzee ♪ 263 00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:02,263 ♪ No, you'll never make a monkey 264 00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:06,142 ♪ Out of me ♪ 265 00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:09,562 ♪ Oh, my God, I was wrong ♪ 266 00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:13,315 ♪ It was Earth all along ♪ 267 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:17,069 ♪ You've finally made a monkey ♪ 268 00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:20,656 ♪ Yes, we finally made a monkey ♪ 269 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,867 ♪ Yes, you finally ♪ 270 00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:26,537 ♪ Made a monkey ♪ 271 00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:29,874 ♪ Out of me ♪ 272 00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:37,173 I love you, Dr. Zaius. 273 00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:41,844 (cheering and applause) 274 00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:45,264 Thank you. It's great to be back. 275 00:12:45,347 --> 00:12:47,224 I just want to say, I wouldn't be here 276 00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:49,643 without the support of a very special lady, 277 00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:51,896 my always outrageous fiancée, Selma. 278 00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:53,481 Take a bow, Sugar Beet. 279 00:12:53,564 --> 00:12:55,983 Oh, well. Thank you. 280 00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:57,735 Down in front! 281 00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:03,115 My good looks paid for that pool, 282 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:04,909 and my talent filled it with water. 283 00:13:04,992 --> 00:13:06,952 Hi, I'm Troy McClure, your future uncle. 284 00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:09,538 Hi. I remember you from such filmstrips 285 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,958 as Locker Room Towel Fight: The Blinding of Larry Driscoll. 286 00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:16,337 You know, I was one of the first to speak out against horseplay. 287 00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:18,756 -Uh-huh. -Remember when we were kids, 288 00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:22,092 we used to dream about our ideal husbands? 289 00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:26,764 Who knew the dream would come true for one of us? 290 00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:29,558 Oh, come on. Guess which one? 291 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:32,144 I know, I know. It's Selma, right? 292 00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:35,231 TROY (slurring words): Yeah. It's a good idea, Homer, 293 00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:38,943 but they've already made some movies about World War II. 294 00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:40,861 Ah, hell. 295 00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:42,947 Well, what about Dracula? 296 00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:45,825 Homer, I'm really touched you invited me out on the town. 297 00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:48,619 You're going to be a four-star brother-in-law. 298 00:13:48,702 --> 00:13:51,705 Troy, buddy, I got to know. 299 00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,332 What's a great guy like you 300 00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:55,668 want to marry a guy like Selma? 301 00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:58,212 -Come here, Homer. -Okay. 302 00:13:58,295 --> 00:14:00,214 I'll let you in on a little secret. 303 00:14:00,297 --> 00:14:02,216 (whispering) 304 00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:03,926 (laughing) 305 00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:11,725 And do you, Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Bouvier 306 00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:13,644 take the fabulous Troy McClure 307 00:14:13,727 --> 00:14:15,312 to be your lawful wedded husband? 308 00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:18,649 -I already told you, yes. -If anyone here knows why 309 00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:21,360 this couple should not be wed in holy matrimony, 310 00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:25,698 let him speak now or forever hold his peace. 311 00:14:29,743 --> 00:14:33,205 (humming Rock Part 2 by Gary Glitter to himself): ♪ Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, hey! ♪ 312 00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,582 ♪ Dah-dah, dah-dah ♪ 313 00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:35,666 ♪ Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, hey! ♪ 314 00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:37,042 ♪ Dah-dah ♪ 315 00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:40,212 I now pronounce you husband and wife. 316 00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:43,674 You may now kiss each other. 317 00:14:43,757 --> 00:14:45,801 ♪♪ 318 00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:51,432 This is the best day of my life. 319 00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:53,809 It's a good day for me, too, baby. 320 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,227 Now, smile. 321 00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:57,354 We're going to be on every newsstand 322 00:14:57,438 --> 00:14:58,314 in the country. 323 00:15:04,695 --> 00:15:06,572 Hey, look what I snagged, Marge-- 324 00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:09,825 the candy bride and groom from the wedding cake. 325 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,785 (metallic crunching) 326 00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:16,457 Oh! 327 00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:19,293 Mmm... pointy. 328 00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:21,503 It was a beautiful wedding. 329 00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:23,964 I've never seen Selma happier. 330 00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:25,549 That reminds me. 331 00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,052 Troy said something interesting last night at the bar. 332 00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:29,678 Apparently, he doesn't really love Selma, 333 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,847 and the marriage is just a sham to help his career. 334 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,474 Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle. 335 00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:36,477 What? Oh, my God! 336 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,481 HOMER: Marge, could you close your eyes? 337 00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:42,775 I'm trying to sleep. 338 00:15:42,858 --> 00:15:44,234 There. 339 00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:54,244 This better be important. It's my wedding night. 340 00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:55,663 I'm trying to sleep. 341 00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:57,289 Hey, sleep is for has-beens my friend. 342 00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:59,875 and you're about to have a very crowded schedule. 343 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,252 This marriage scam is paying off big time. 344 00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:04,254 -Phone for you. -T. McC. 345 00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:06,799 Troy, darling, come to bed. 346 00:16:06,882 --> 00:16:08,968 I want to see the Troy McClure I remember 347 00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:12,513 from such films as Make-Out King of Montana 348 00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:14,682 and The Electric Gigolo. 349 00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:16,392 (low chuckling) 350 00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:18,268 Yeah, in a minute, darling. 351 00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:20,437 Well, she may be helping my career 352 00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:22,564 but she's starting to cramp my style. 353 00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,942 Oh, who cares? The offers are rolling in. 354 00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:26,944 Paramount wants you for a buddy comedy 355 00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:28,612 with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant. 356 00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:31,865 -Those sick freaks? -Okay, then get this. 357 00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:34,743 I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick 358 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,746 in, brace yourself, the new McBain movie. 359 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,915 McBain's sidekick? Hot damn! 360 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,459 I'm going to Sea World! 361 00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:43,752 Selma... 362 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,921 about you and Troy-- 363 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:49,800 we're not sure he's... all he seems. 364 00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:50,843 Marge is right. 365 00:16:50,926 --> 00:16:52,386 He's wrong for you. 366 00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:54,638 Better you find out sooner than later. 367 00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:56,598 Wrong for me? How? 368 00:16:56,682 --> 00:17:00,185 Oh, I get it. 369 00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:01,854 My sisters have come down 370 00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:03,814 with a case of the green-eyed gazongas. 371 00:17:03,897 --> 00:17:06,025 I guess I shouldn't be surprised. 372 00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:07,860 You're stuck in a menial job 373 00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:09,737 you'll be doing ten years after you die. 374 00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:11,196 And you're tied down to a man 375 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,407 who'd have to bathe to be a slob. 376 00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:15,951 Selma, Troy doesn't love you at all. 377 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,911 He's only using you 378 00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:20,122 to squelch the rumors about his bizarre personal life 379 00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:22,249 and further his career. 380 00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:25,461 (grumbles) You don't know what you're talking about. 381 00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:27,629 I have to go now and see Troy. 382 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:29,882 (door opens, closes) 383 00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:31,633 (tires screech) 384 00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:39,767 Is this a sham marriage? 385 00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:41,852 Sure, baby, is that a problema? 386 00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:45,272 You married me just to help your career? 387 00:17:45,355 --> 00:17:46,940 You make it sound so sordid. 388 00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:48,400 Look, don't we have a good time together? 389 00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:50,110 Yes, but-- 390 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,904 Don't you have everything you ever wanted here-- 391 00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:55,199 money, security, a big, hot, flat rock for Jub Jub? 392 00:17:55,282 --> 00:17:57,910 But... don't you love me? 393 00:17:57,993 --> 00:18:01,163 Sure, I do, like I love Fresca. 394 00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:03,791 Isn't that enough? The only difference 395 00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:05,793 between our marriage and anyone else's is, 396 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:07,753 we know ours is a sham. 397 00:18:07,836 --> 00:18:08,879 Are you gay? 398 00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:11,840 Gay? I wish. 399 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,009 If I were gay, there'd be no problem. 400 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,970 No, what I have is a romantic abnormality-- 401 00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:19,556 One so unbelievable that it must be hidden 402 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,350 from the public at all costs. 403 00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:22,893 -You see-- -Stop. 404 00:18:22,976 --> 00:18:25,145 You're asking me to live a lie. 405 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,272 I don't know if I can do that. 406 00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:30,192 It's remarkably easy. 407 00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:34,613 Just smile for the cameras and enjoy Mr. Troy's Wild Ride. 408 00:18:34,696 --> 00:18:36,615 You'll go to the right parties, meet the right people. 409 00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:39,827 Sure, you'll be a sham wife, but you'll be the envy 410 00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:42,079 of every other sham wife in town. 411 00:18:42,162 --> 00:18:44,248 So, what do you say, baby? 412 00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:50,504 Tell me again about Mr. Troy's Wild Ride. 413 00:18:58,178 --> 00:19:00,514 One day my lady Selma's going to have a star 414 00:19:00,597 --> 00:19:01,849 right next to mine. 415 00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:02,975 So, watch out, 416 00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:04,977 Laszlo Panaflex. 417 00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:06,937 Yay! Yay! Yay! 418 00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:09,356 Tonight, all Hollywood's wondering who'll be chosen 419 00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:11,400 to co-star in the big new McBain picture, 420 00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:13,694 McBain IV-- Fatal Discharge. 421 00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:15,362 (rings) 422 00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,864 Oh, you watching? 423 00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:18,282 Mac, you gotta get me that part. 424 00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,450 I will, but you got to do something for me. 425 00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:23,120 Problem is, the big parts these days are all going to family men. 426 00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:25,122 But I already got married. 427 00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:26,790 Yeah, but for a role like this, you got to pour it on. 428 00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:30,252 You and, uh, wife have got to have a baby. 429 00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:32,129 A baby, eh? What do I do? 430 00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:33,922 I'll send you over a pamphlet. 431 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,049 Listen, you can't buy that kind of P.R. 432 00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,135 But you can get it for nothing by having a baby, 433 00:19:38,218 --> 00:19:39,136 which by the way, your insurance will cover, 434 00:19:39,219 --> 00:19:41,013 except for the deductible, 435 00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:42,514 which I'll reimburse you for if you get the part, 436 00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,057 which you will, if you have a baby. 437 00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:45,684 C'est Troy bien. 438 00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,145 Okay. Now listen. Let's talk baby names. 439 00:19:48,228 --> 00:19:51,273 You can't use Montana, Dakota or Florida. 440 00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:54,026 -They're taken. -Mmm. Oregon? 441 00:19:54,109 --> 00:19:55,861 Oh, Pacific Northwest, very hot. 442 00:19:57,988 --> 00:19:59,239 Having a child? 443 00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:01,074 That's a big step. 444 00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:03,368 You bet it is. Think what it'll mean. 445 00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:06,079 Not just the McBain movie, but maybe my own fragrance-- 446 00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,581 Smellin' of Troy. 447 00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:11,752 It is probably my last chance to be a mommy. 448 00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:14,671 -Cigarette, Mrs. McClure? -You bet. 449 00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:17,257 From now on, she's smoking for two. 450 00:20:21,428 --> 00:20:24,848 Ah, come here, Tiger. 451 00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:27,768 (sexy growl) 452 00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:29,937 Would you like some wine? 453 00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,647 Yes. 454 00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:38,570 (weak growl) 455 00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:41,240 Uh, why don't you come over here 456 00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:44,326 and make yourself more comfortable? 457 00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:47,246 No. Why don't you come over here 458 00:20:47,329 --> 00:20:49,081 and make yourself comfortable? 459 00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:50,707 I'm sorry. 460 00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:52,459 This whole concept's foreign to me. 461 00:20:52,542 --> 00:20:54,294 Who knew a baby would be so much work? 462 00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:58,090 Having a baby isn't supposed to be work. 463 00:20:58,173 --> 00:21:00,259 It's supposed to be an expression of the feelings 464 00:21:00,342 --> 00:21:03,053 we're supposed to have for each other. 465 00:21:03,136 --> 00:21:06,348 Oh, like how we built that snowman together 466 00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:07,975 in that Newport ad? 467 00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:11,019 Remember how alive with pleasure they said we were? 468 00:21:18,068 --> 00:21:19,653 Look, I'm sorry. 469 00:21:19,736 --> 00:21:21,780 A loveless marriage is one thing. 470 00:21:21,863 --> 00:21:23,407 We're not hurting anybody. 471 00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:26,159 But bringing a child into a loveless family 472 00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:28,245 is something I just can't do. 473 00:21:28,328 --> 00:21:30,455 Oh, great. We'll adopt. 474 00:21:30,539 --> 00:21:32,124 I'll call my agent. 475 00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:33,542 He'll find some kid who wants in on the deal. 476 00:21:33,625 --> 00:21:35,127 Good-bye, Troy. 477 00:21:35,210 --> 00:21:37,587 I'll always remember you... 478 00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:40,132 but not from your films. 479 00:21:48,765 --> 00:21:50,142 Come on, Jub Jub. 480 00:21:50,225 --> 00:21:51,810 Let's go home, 481 00:21:51,893 --> 00:21:54,438 and I'll microwave you some nice roaches. 482 00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:56,148 (croaks) 483 00:22:01,778 --> 00:22:04,573 {\an8}In a bold move that has stunned Hollywood insiders 484 00:22:04,656 --> 00:22:07,242 {\an8}newly divorced comeback kid, Troy McClure 485 00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:09,036 {\an8}has turned down the supporting lead 486 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:12,205 {\an8}in McBain IV to direct and star in his own pet project-- 487 00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:16,209 {\an8}The Contrabulus Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel. 488 00:22:16,293 --> 00:22:18,170 {\an8}Will the gambit pay off? 489 00:22:18,253 --> 00:22:20,839 {\an8}20th Century-Fox is betting it will. 490 00:22:25,052 --> 00:22:27,721 {\an8}♪♪ 491 00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:43,487 Shh! 492 00:22:46,406 --> 00:22:49,618 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.