♪ The Simpsons ♪
D'oh!
-Ahh! -(tires screech)
(hocking)
Milhouse, do you ever think
about the people in those cars?
I try not to.
It makes it harder to spit on them.
Sometimes I wonder about all the people in this town.
Do you think anything interesting
ever happens to them?
I mean, there must be
thousands of great stories out there.
What do you think, Milhouse?
-Milhouse? -Huh?
Oh, sorry, I saw a convertible.
-You were saying? -Forget it.
Come on, it's 11:00.
I need some sugar.
I wish you'd come to my party, Apu.
You could use some merriment.
Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me.
Thank you. Come again.
You see? Most enjoyable.
Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions.
You will be there or kindly be square.
Well, I don't like to leave the store, but...
for the next five minutes I'm going to party
like it's on sale for 19.99.
Quick, quick, no time to cook them.
They will plump in my stomach.
(belches)
Whoo! Hello, beautiful. No ring I see.
So you are only arranged to be married.
♪♪ (synthesizer)
Oh, I love this song. Let us boogie.
♪ I am a freak-a-zoid ♪
♪ Come on and wind me up ♪
Whoo, I am hot. Let us get out of here.
Don't worry.
Ill tell everybody you were untouchable.
Whoo! Woo-hoo.
Oh, Sanjay, never have I partied so hearty.
-Same time next year, ya? -Yes!
Made it. And with one minute to spare.
You took four minutes of my life and I want them back.
Oh, I'd only waste them anyway.
♪♪
MAN: Swing Serenade is brought to you by Gorman's Ear Guards.
(loudly) Guard your ears...
(softly) with Gorman's.
Mom, Dad threw his beer can at the Miracle-Gro guy on TV.
Can I recycle it?
Why not.
Waa!
Uhh!
There's gum in my hair!
Mom, someone threw gum in my hair!
Are you sure?
Maybe it's just shampoo.
That washes right out.
No, it's somebody's gross gum!
Get it out!
Ow! Ow!
It's pulling out my hair!
Wait-- if I remember my Heloise,
the trick to getting out gum is peanut butter.
There.
Now that gum should lift right out.
-(grunting) -Ow.
Hmm?
Maybe it needs a little mayonnaise
to get going.
Okay, you go sit in the sun and let it melt in.
Why me?
Yuck. I smell like a sandwich.
(buzzing)
(screaming)
(buzzing)
Smithers, what's the meaning of this slacking off?
There's a bee in my eye, Sir.
And?
I'm allergic to bee-stings.
They cause me to, uh... die.
But we're running out of forward momentum.
Uh, perhaps you could pedal
for just a little while, Sir?
Quite impossible.
I can try to bat him off if you like.
Really, that's ok--
(moaning)
Holy cats, man, we're starting to wobble.
(thickly) Get me to a hospital.
You have... to... pedal.
Oh, Tuttle's Sunday trousers.
Fear not, I'll get you to a hospital
the only way I know how.
Smithers, you infernal ninny!
Stick your left hoof on that flange now!
Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled brain
jam that second mephitic clod-hopper of yours
on the right doodad!
Now pump those scrawny chicken legs,
you stuporous funker!
(panting)
One more jostle, you wretched shirkaday.
(groaning)
Help me.
Holy smokes!
You need booze.
Hi, everybody.
ALL: Hi, Dr. Nick.
Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee
has received a few complaints against you.
Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are
performing major operations
with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant--
But I cleaned them with my napkin.
Misuse of the cadavers--
I get here earlier when I drive in the car-pool lane.
(door opens)
(panting) There's a crazy man with a scalpel in E.R.!
He's demanding to see a quack.
Hi, everybody.
Now tell Dr. Nick where is the trouble.
I'm edgy! I got ants in my pants!
I'm discombobulated!
Give me a calmative!
Slow down, sir.
You're going to give yourself skin failure.
Okay, now the symptoms you describe
point to "bonus eruptus."
It's a terrible disorder
where the skeleton
tries to leap out the mouth
and escape the body.
Now you're talking.
Our one chance is trans-dental electromicide.
I'll need a golf-cart motor with 1,000 volt capacimator, stat.
Doctor, I can't in good conscience--
Now there's no time, man.
We'll have to improvise.
(electricity crackling)
(screaming)
Keep doing that every five seconds.
Dr. Nick, we owe you an apology.
Consider the charges dropped.
All right!
Free nose jobs for everybody.
Yi! You first.
Give me a Van Heflin.
-(electricity crackling) -(screaming)
Say, Barn...
uh, remember when I said
I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
(laughs) Oh, yeah.
We all had a good laugh, Moe.
The results came back today.
(grunts)
You owe me $70 billion.
Hmm?
No, wait, wait wait,
that's for the Voyager spacecraft.
Um, your tab's $14 billion.
Well, alls I got is 2,000 bucks.
Well, that's halfway there.
Freeze, dude.
Move a muscle and I'll blow this wino's head off.
(grunts)
I'm behind three inches of bullet-proof glass.
Do your worst.
All right.
No, stay out of there. Stay out of there!
Oh, good God, no!
Oh, good-bye student loan payments.
Ha-ha.
Come back here, you stinking...
Hey, I wonder how much air is in here.
(doorbell rings)
Well, Seymour, I made it, despite your directions.
Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome.
I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.
Yeah.
(gasps)
Oh, ye Gods!
My roast is ruined.
But what if...
I were to purchase fast food
and disguise it as my own cooking?
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. Delightfully devilish, Seymour.
♪ Skinner, with his crazy explanations ♪
♪ The superintendent's gonna need his medication ♪
♪ When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations ♪
♪ There'll be trouble in town tonight ♪
Seymour!
Superintendent! I was just...
uh, stretching my calves on the windowsill.
Isometric exercise-- care to join me?
Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?
Uh... oh! That isn't smoke.
It's steam.
Steam from the steamed clams we're having.
Mmm, steamed clams.
Whoo.
Superintendent, I hope you're ready
for mouth-watering hamburgers.
I thought we were having steamed clams.
Oh, no, I said "steamed hams."
That's what I call hamburgers.
You call hamburgers "steamed hams"?
Yes, it's a regional dialect.
Uh-huh. What region?
Uh... upstate New York.
Really? Well, I'm from Utica,
and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams."
Oh, not in Utica, no, it's an Albany expression.
I see.
You know, these hamburgers are quite similar
to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
(laughing) Oh, no.
Patented Skinner burgers, old family recipe.
-For steamed hams. -Yes.
Yes, and you call them steamed hams
despite the fact they are obviously grilled.
Y-You know th--
One thing I sh--
Excuse me for one second.
Of course.
Ah, well, that was wonderful.
Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Yes, I should be--
Good Lord! What is happening in there?
Aurora borealis.
Aurora borealis?!
At this time of year, at this time of day,
in this part of the country,
localized entirely within your kitchen?
-Yes. -May I see it?
No.
SKINNER'S MOTHER: Seymour, the house is on fire!
No, Mother, it's just the Northern Lights.
Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow,
but I must say, you steam a good ham.
SKINNER'S MOTHER: Help! Help!
(siren blaring)
"Helms calls for donut tax."
(gasping)
(door slamming)
There! Done and done.
(shrieks)
Oh!
Why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks?
Better get some change.
(sucking loudly)
It's okay. It's okay. I'm back.
See? Daddy's here.
(grunting)
Come on, Maggie.
Maybe if you just squeeze a little...
(grunting)
That's it. That's it. I--
D'oh!
(giggling)
Okay, okay, think, Homer.
-(dog barks) -The dog!
(mumbling)
Okay, go, boy.
Go find help.
Go find help, boy.
D'oh, bad dog.
Bad dog!
(sucking)
Oh...
Don't worry, Maggie.
I'll think of something.
(Homer speaking gibberish)
Where's that lil' baby?
(giggling)
(babbling)
You know, I went to the McDonald's
in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night.
The Mc-what?
Uh, McDonald's restaurant.
I never heard of it either
but, uh, they have over 2,000 locations
in this state alone.
Must have sprung up overnight.
You know the funniest thing, though?
It's the little differences.
-Example. -Well, at McDonald's,
you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right?
But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Get out! What do they call it?
A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
Quarter Pounder with cheese?
Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh, do they have
Krusty partially gelatinated, nondairy, gum-based beverages?
Mm-hmm. They call them shakes.
Huh, shakes.
You don't know what you're getting.
Well, I know what I'm getting-- some donuts.
(grunting)
Uh, help me out of the booth, boys.
(air hissing)
♪♪ ("La Cucaracha" on radio)
Mmm-ahh!
(yipping)
Ay, que dia miserable a trabajo.
Primero, el attaque del woodpeckero loco.
(canned laughter)
Luego, un disastro de electricidad.
(electricity crackling)
(canned laughter)
Y finalmente
una catastrofia con una pelota de beisbol.
(crack of a bat)
(ball whistling)
(canned laughter)
(sighs)
Tiempo para relaxar en paz y quieto.
Ay! Naranjas en la cabeza!
(yips)
♪♪ ("Mexican Hat Dance" on radio)
Ay, una candelabra precariosa!
(yells)
(dog yipping)
Ooh! Ooh!
(screams)
Mira que cosa tan terrible
no puedo entender algo como esto
como puedo vivir con alguien tan irresponsible.
No, no, no, no!
-(yipping) -(sighs)
¿ Donde esta mi tequila?
♪♪ (hard rock version of "The Simpsons" theme on radio)
♪ Donuts ♪
♪ I got donuts, I g-- ♪
Hey, I know you!
(engine revving)
(tires squealing)
Ooh!
(children laughing)
Huh... huh!
Hey, hey, wait up!
We got to swap insurance info.
(panting)
(grunting)
Hey!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa... -Huh, huh, huh...
-Whoa... uh! -(gun cocks)
Hold it right there.
Looks like the spider caught himself a couple of flies.
(chuckles)
Come on, boy.
This is the spot right here.
That's a good boy.
Good boy.
Do your dirty, sinful business.
Well, howdy, Reverend Lovejoy.
Nice to see you there...
on my lawn with...
your dog.
Oh, uh, ooh... bad dog.
Look at that. Right on Ned's lawn.
Now, how could you do such a thing?
(quietly) Good boy. Don't stop now.
Bad dog! I condemn you to hell.
Better get the ol' snow shovel
back from Homer, huh?
Good boy.
Don't stop the music.
Marge Simpson,
still making juice the old-fashioned way?
No, I've got gum in my hair.
Oh, we've tried everything--
olive oil, lemon juice, tartar sauce, chocolate syrup,
gravy, bacon fat, hummus and baba ganoush.
My scalp hurts from horsefly bites.
Why don't you freeze it with an ice cube,
and hit it with a hammer?
Works for me when I get bubbly-gum
in the ol' push broom.
That sounds okay.
Ah!
Stop! Stop!
Hmm...
I seem to have mashed more hair into it.
Oh, well.
Ice cubes are useless, man.
Chewing gum's got to be chewed out.
Does the whole town have to hear about this?
Gar, have ye tried a Baltic squid?
They can suck the bolts out of a submarine's hull.
All right.
Fangoria will give me 25 bucks for this shot.
I can give you the name of a good gum-and-hair man.
(laughs)
I have a word of advice:
don't try to dig gum out with a bone.
It just makes things worse.
Leave it in as evidence.
Bazooka Joe's got deep pockets.
Perhaps I can help.
My papa is foreman of the Dusseldorf gum-works.
(honking)
♪♪ (Bluegrass)
Hey, what's going on on this side?
Hey, Brandine,
you might could wear these to your job interview.
And scuff up the topless dancing runway?
Naw. You best bring them back
where from you got them.
Okay.
Back you go--
to waits for a woman of less discriminating tastes.
♪♪ (Bluegrass)
Hey, you know what?
I could call my ma while I'm up here.
Hey, Ma!
Get off the dang roof!
Yes, and one with extra cheese.
Thank you.
Can I use your bathroom?
No, you may not.
The bathroom is for paying customers only.
If you purchase an item, you may use the bathroom.
Uh... okay.
Um... how about that?
That is a rare photo of Sean Connery
signed by Roger Moore.
It is worth $150.
Oh... what can I get for 75 cents?
You may purchase this charming Hamburglar adventure.
A child has already solved the jumble using crayons.
The answer is "fries."
Milhouse, What's going on?
You said you just needed to use the bathroom.
Now I find you buying comics!
Our transaction is completed.
You may take the boy.
Wait!
As soon as Zed gets here, the party will begin.
(doorbell rings)
(buzzing)
There he is now.
Who are you?
Uh, can my son use your bathroom?
You got to say "yes"!
Okay, but be quick.
It's in back.
(muffled grunts)
Uh... so, uh... n-nice store.
(louder muffled grunts)
Uh, you know, when I was a kid,
this used to be a pet store. (nervous chuckle)
Yeah, right over there against that wall
-there was the cutest little-- -(gun cocks)
-Get in the corner. -(gulps)
Hey, Dad, can we get this, please?
Oh, my gosh!
Sorry, mister.
(muffled grunt)
Want me to cut off the gum
or just style it?
Cut if off, but be careful.
Don't worry, sweetheart.
I know how important hair is to a little girl.
(screams)
You keep squirming
there's going to be a little bald girl
with no lollipop.
(gasps) I love it!
I finally look like a real person.
Thanks!
Ha! Ha!
(groans)
(screams)
Ha! Ha!
(brakes screeching)
Crud.
(panting)
He's down there.
NELSON: Crud!
Do you find something comical about my appearance
when I'm driving my automobile?
Yeah.
Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall.
This was the largest auto that I could afford.
Should I, therefore, be made the subject of fun?
I guess so.
(frustrated grunt)
Would you like it
if I laughed at your misfortune?
Huh?!
Maybe we should find out.
(grunts)
Now... march!
(horn honking)
Hey, everybody, look at this!
It's that boy who laughs at everyone.
Let's laugh at him.
ALL: Ha! Ha!
Wave to the people!
Blow them kisses!
(bawling)
(guffawing)
Well, Milhouse, I guess interesting stuff
does happen to people in Springfield.
Yep. Everybody in town's got their story to tell.
There's just not enough time
to hear them all.
(panting)
Oh, sorry I'm late.
There was trouble at the lab--
with the running, the exploding and the crying.
One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head!
No, wait. Please, no!
Please, I have a funny story-- if you listen.
I even wrote theme music.
Yeah, listen-- (clears throat)
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Professor Frink, Professor Frink ♪
♪ He'll make you laugh, he'll make you think ♪
♪ He likes to run, and then the thing with the... ♪
♪ Person... ♪
Ah, boy, that monkey is going to pay.
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.