♪ The Simpsons ♪
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-(screams) -(tires screech)
Wow.
You know, most of my life,
I've had to live with the shame
of being a screw-up.
But now, as I stand here with the award
for the district's safest bus driver...
well, it... it's like a dream come true.
MILHOUSE: Otto, wake up!
Huh? (screaming)
(children screaming)
(machinery clanging)
So, um... who's good at keeping secrets?
"Dear parents,
"Due to yesterday's unscheduled field trip
"to the auto wrecking yard,
"the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks.
"By reading this letter out loud,
"you have waived any legal responsibility on our part
"in perpetuity throughout the universe."
(groans)
Well, we'll have to organize a car pool.
Hey! Every day will be like a road trip
with your dad to school!
(grumbling)
So...
How about those rainbow suspenders, huh?
Dad?
Pretty cool way to keep your pants up, eh?
-Dad. -I see these kids now
with "jive" printed on their shirts.
Now, I can teach you
how you're supposed to say "jive."
Dad. Please just drive the car, Dad.
I'm watching the road, sweetie.
You jive turkey.
See? You got to sass it.
Quit jivin' me, turkey.
You got to sass it.
A "turkey" is a bad person.
MAN (on radio): K-F-S-L-- Fossil 103.
Classic hits from Abba to Zeppelin, comma, Led.
♪ We are winners and losers ♪
♪ We're the mellow choosers ♪
Tell him.
Uh, Mr. Simpson, sir?
Can you please change the radio station?
But this is Grand Funk Railroad.
You guys back there know Grand Funk, right?
(grumbling)
Nobody knows the band Grand Funk?
The wild shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner?
The bong-rattling bass of Mel Schacher?
The competent drum work of Don Brewer?
Oh, man!
For more information on Grand Funk,
consult your school library.
("Mississippi Queen" playing in distance)
♪ Mississippi queen ♪
When I listen to a really good song,
I start nodding my head
like I'm saying "yes" to every beat.
Yes! Yes! Yes! This rocks!
And then sometimes I switch it up like--
No! No! No! Don't stop a-rockin'!
Dad, please. You're embarrassing us.
No, I'm not.
I'm teaching you about rock music. Now...
Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for Jefferson Airplane
which cleared the way for Jefferson Starship.
The stage was now set for the Alan Parsons Project,
which I believe was some sort of hovercraft.
Dad! No one cares about any of your stupid dinosaur bands!
You have the worst, lamest taste in music ever.
(turns off radio)
I'm just trying to party with you guys.
Homer, first of all, it's "par-tay,"
and second, we wouldn't par-tay with you
if you were the last dad on Earth.
Hmm.
Hi, there.
It's been a while since I set foot
in Good Vibrations Music.
Where can I find the latest releases by Bread?
-Oldies. -Oldies?
But you've got all the top bands in here.
Styx? I just heard them on "The King Biscuit Flour Hour."
Now, here are some of your no-name bands.
Sonic Youth?
Nine Inch Nails?
Hullabalooza?
Hullabalooza is a music festival--
The greatest music festival of all time.
There can only be one truly great music festival
a lifetime and it's the "US Festival."
-The what festival? -The "US Festival"! Jeez!
It was sponsored by the guy from Apple Computers.
-What computers? -(groans)
Well, why do you need new bands?
Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974.
It's a scientific fact.
("Frankenstein" playing in background)
Quadraphonic sound, a waterbed,
and now a strobe light.
Gentlemen, say hello
to the Second-Base Mobile.
ALL: Wicked!
(music continues)
♪♪
HOMER: Back then, we didn't care what anyone thought,
and the chicks found that irresistible.
I think you're cool, Homer Simpson.
Sandra, that was mean.
But most of all, I remember the music.
(falsetto): ♪ You make me feel like dancing ♪
♪ I want to dance the night away ♪
What the hell are you two doing?
It's called "rockin' out."
You wouldn't understand, Dad.
You're not with it.
I used to be with it
but then they changed what "it" was.
Now, what I'm with isn't it,
and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.
(ominously): It'll happen to you.
No way, man.
We're going to keep on rocking forever.
Forever, forever, forever...
forever... forever...
What's wrong, Homey?
(sighs)
I went to the record store today
and they were playing all this music I never heard of.
It was like the store had gone crazy.
Hmm. Record stores have always seemed crazy to me
but it doesn't upset me.
Music is none of my business.
That's fine for you, Marge
but I used to rock 'n' roll all night
and party every day.
Then it was every other day.
Now, I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week
in which to get funky.
I've got to get out of this rut
and back into the groove.
Well, good.
Try to include Bart and Lisa.
(whistling tune)
Dear Lord, if you keep Homer from embarrassing us today
we promise to build several churches in your honor.
Bart, no!
Hey, wait!
I'm okay today.
My Mom bought me deodorant.
Dad, you forgot to pick up Milhouse.
I did?
I must be getting forgetful in my old age.
Open the glove compartment
and fetch me my brain medicine.
What are you talking about?
-(gasps) -Well?
What have we here?
Looks like your uncool Dad scored tickets
to Hullabalooza!
(gasps) Bart, these look real.
Check the authenticator spot.
MAN: This is an authentic Hullabalooza ticket.
For authentic refreshment, eat Clark bars.
And for totally outrageous class rings, it's Josten's.
Go, Josten's!
You're not going to school today.
Today, your classroom will be
the Capitol City Amphitheater.
Your teacher-- four dozen rock bands.
So get ready for some well-supervised craziness
while you rock out with your father.
Whoo-hoo!
Wow. It's like Woodstock
only with advertisements everywhere
and tons of security guards.
People, have your tickets out.
Throw your cameras out.
Surrender all identification.
Oh, my homemade Kahlua.
Generation "X" may be shallow,
but at least they have tolerance and respect
for all people.
Hey, a freak show.
(barking)
-Ow! Aah! -(crowd cheering)
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And now the band you've all been waiting for--
Cypress Hill!
-Yeah! -Before we start,
we have a lost child here.
If she's not claimed within the next hour,
she will become property of Blockbuster Entertainment.
♪ Throw your set in the air ♪
♪ Come on! ♪
♪ Wave it around like you just don't care... ♪
(sniffing) What is that smell?
It smells like Otto's jacket.
-Dude, karma. -What?
Karma. Karma.
Oh, I get it.
Dad, you cannot wear that.
That's a Rastafarian hat.
Hey, I've been safari-ing since before you were born.
Wearing a Jamaican hat makes a bold statement
about your connection to reggae music.
Well, excuse me!
You know what, Dad?
Maybe we'll go exploring
on our own for a while.
Well, Homer, this is it.
Time to get back with the people--
the young people.
All right! Yeah!
Cool concert, am I right?
-Yeah, nice try, narc. -Where's a narc?
-Who? -That fat Jamaican guy.
What'd I say? What's goin' on?
Hey, we're just trying to have a good time, narc.
Why do you want to destroy us?
Don't commit your hate crimes here.
Hate crime!
Okay, I'm heading out now.
More butt support.
D'oh!
(playing mid-tempo rock)
♪ My reflection ♪
♪ Dirty mirror ♪
♪ There's no connection ♪
♪ To myself ♪
♪ I'm your lover ♪
♪ I'm your zero ♪
♪ I'm the face in your dreams of glass ♪
-♪ So say your prayers... ♪ -It may be bleak,
but this music is really getting to the crowd.
Eh, making teenagers depressed
is like shooting fish in a barrel.
♪ Throw your cares and fly... ♪
Oh...
Makes no sense.
I haven't changed since high school,
and suddenly I'm uncool.
I've been kicked out of paradise.
-(snorts) -I'll never be part of the scene again.
(powering up)
Uh-oh.
(grunts)
Aw, man. There goes Peter Frampton's big finale.
He's going to be pissed off.
You're damn right, I'm going to be pissed off.
I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale.
Dad, are you okay?
I'm fine.
(murmuring)
Sir, I run Hullabalooza's Pageant
of the Transmundane--
the freak show.
And I've been looking for a big fatso
to shoot with a cannon.
I'd like very much for you to be that fatso.
So, you want to go on tour
with a traveling freak show.
I don't think I have a choice, Marge.
-Of course, you have a choice. -How do you figure?
You don't have to join a freak show
just because the opportunity came along.
You know, Marge, in some ways you and I are very different people.
(cheering)
MAN (over P.A.): And now, get ready for the man
with the iron stomach!
(drum roll)
(gulps)
Hi, everybody.
Is everybody--
(feedback)
...good?
(grunts)
(cheering)
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
"Stay in school.
Your hero, Homer."
(thud)
Hey, Cannonball, I like your statement.
When life takes a cheap shot at you, you stand your ground.
Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
You know, my kids think you're the greatest.
And thanks to your gloomy music,
they've finally stopped dreaming
of a future I can't possibly provide.
Well, we try to make a difference.
"Dear Bart and Lisa..."
HOMER: All is well on tour
with America's most popular alternative music festival.
Our first job is to entertain.
-(grunts) -(cheering)
And I like to think sometimes we get a message across as well.
(grunts)
(cheering)
But the main thing is,
I've finally tapped into that spirit of self-destruction
that makes rock 'n' roll the king of music.
(cheering)
Whoo-hoo!
Hello, ticket holders!
Oh, here comes that cannonball guy.
He's cool.
Are you being sarcastic, dude?
I don't even know anymore.
(grunts)
(cheering)
Thank you!
And remember!
Don't trust anyone over 30!
And now, Peter Frampton!
(cheering)
Thanks, Homer.
Homer Simpson, everyone!
(strikes chord)
Hey, Homer, looks like our next stop
is your hometown, Springfield.
Is it true that we have to bring our own water?
We got a little rule back home.
If it's brown, drink it down.
If it's black, send it back.
The hometown show's the big one, Homer.
Yeah. People who called you a weirdo in high school
get to see what a successful freak you've become.
Hey, I wasn't a weirdo.
I was in the audio-visual club.
Really? Me too.
But I got kicked out
'cause of my views on Vietnam.
Also, I was stealing projectors.
Anyway...
get ready, beer belly.
We're going to show Springfield
what we're made of.
All right, Homer! Yeah!
(echoey belch)
That was odd.
Gee, I don't like the sound of that.
(echo)
No biggie. I'm cool.
Homer, nothing's more important to me
than the health and well-being of my freaks.
I'm sending you to a vet.
My, God. Those cannonballs
have practically demolished your stomach.
From now on, no cannonballs, no spicy foods.
And when you lie in a hammock,
please, rest your beer on your head
or your genitals.
(scoffs) Rules. I'm a rocker.
I don't care for rules.
Mr. Simpson, this is serious.
If you take one more cannonball to the gut,
you will die.
Die?
Well, you don't scare me, Doc,
'cause dying would be a stone groove.
Got any messages for Jimi Hendrix?
Yes. Pick up your puppy.
BART: So, what's it like being famous, Dad?
HOMER: People know your name, but you don't know theirs.
It's great.
Dad, do you wear boxers or briefs?
-Nope. -What religion are you?
You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules
that don't work out in real life. Uh...
Christianity.
What's with all the questions?
Just some report I gotta do for school.
Hey, you want some pie?
Sure. We got a lot of catching up to do.
Hmm...
(rumbling)
Clear the way, clear the way.
Performer coming through.
This is so exciting.
Last time I got to go backstage
was when Bart ripped his pants at the Christmas play.
-Mom! -Ha-ha!
Hello, bands. Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra?
Come on, people. Somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra--
possibly while high.
Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction.
Hey, man, did we order a orchestra?
(whispering) What's up with this orchestra?
(whispering) Where'd the orchestra come from?
I don't know, man.
They didn't tell me about this, man.
We got to do something.
Uh, oh, yeah, yeah, we think we did.
Uh, do you know "Insane in the Brain"?
(British accent): We mostly know classical,
but we could give it a shot.
(hip-hop beat playing)
♪ Put the water on the flame, boiling temper ♪
♪ Just toss that ham in the frying pan like spam... ♪
Now this, I like.
(synthesized voice): ♪ Do you feel... ♪
(crowd cheering)
♪ Like we do? ♪
Man. That guy's guitar is talking.
Hey, my shoes are talking too.
Don't worry.
We won't hurt you.
We only want to have some fun.
(chuckling)
And to think, Smithers,
you laughed when I bought Ticketmaster.
"Nobody's going to pay a 100% service charge."
Well, it's a policy that ensures a healthy mix
of the rich and the ignorant, sir.
♪ Do you feel like we do? ♪
Springfield, yeah!
Do you-- Wait, what's this?
♪ Do you, do you feel ♪
♪ Do you feel ♪
-(squeaking) -Oh, come on.
Do you feel!
God. Homer Simpson wrecks my pig,
Cypress Hill steals my orchestra,
and Sonic Youth's in my cooler!
Get out of there, you kids!
Aw, come on, Mr. Frampton.
You're not going to eat all that watermelon.
Please. I'm trying to perform.
Go ahead.
We'll stay here and guard your cooler.
Oh, 25 years I've been in this.
I've never heard anything like...
(crowd cheering)
And now, Springfield,
this is the moment that you've been waiting for.
The man who embodies everything about rock 'n roll, except the music--
Give it up for your very own homegrown hero...
-Homer Simpson! -(cheering)
I used to carpool with that guy.
Oh, this is heavy.
Okay, Homer, don't fear the reaper.
(stomach rumbling)
Oh, I'm going to die.
Cannons are designed to hurt.
They're designed to hurt.
Shh! Mom, Dad needs our support.
You're the coolest Dad alive.
(drum roll)
(gasps)
(crowd gasping)
(crowd jeering)
Oh, Marge, I thought I had
an appetite for destruction,
but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
There might be one in this cooler.
Oh, here we go.
Ohh!
Aw, man. Homer wussed out.
I'm so disillusioned.
Hey, Hullabalooza isn't about freaks.
It's about music and advertising
and youth-oriented product positioning.
That and getting toasted-- nicely toasted.
Homer, I'm sorry.
There's nothing worse than a yellow-bellied freak,
unless that's his act.
I expect your letter of resignation on my desk.
-You have a desk? -No, I mean, the hood of my car.
I'll miss you, Pumpkins, but I just can't share your bleak world view.
I've got too much to live for.
We envy you, Homer. All we have is our music,
our legions of fans, our millions of dollars,
and our youth.
Whoo-hoo!
Let's all go out and buy fur coats!
I want a walk-in humidor.
So, I realized that being with my family
is more important than being cool.
Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
You know what the song says:
"It's hip to be square."
That song is so lame.
So lame that it's... cool?
-No. -No.
Am I cool, kids?
-No. -No.
Good. I'm glad.
And that's what makes me cool-- not caring, right?
-No. -No.
Well, how the hell do you be cool?
I feel like we've tried everything here.
Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool,
you don't need to be told you're cool.
BART: Well, sure you do.
LISA: How else would you know?
♪♪
(guitar feedback)
(Sonic Youth playing "The Simpsons" theme)
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.