1 00:00:03,253 --> 00:00:06,965 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:07,048 --> 00:00:07,966 (tires screech) 3 00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:10,760 D'oh! 4 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,762 -(screams) -(tires screech) 5 00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:40,874 {\an8}What a perfect outing for a beautiful autumn day. 6 00:00:40,957 --> 00:00:43,209 {\an8}I feel sorry for everyone who's cooped up inside 7 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:45,879 {\an8}watching the seventh game of the world series. 8 00:00:45,962 --> 00:00:50,175 {\an8}(sarcastically) Yeah. They won't learn anything about apples today. 9 00:00:50,258 --> 00:00:54,095 {\an8}...and the cider mill operated continuously until 1941 10 00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:57,015 {\an8}when its workers left to fight in the second world war. 11 00:00:57,098 --> 00:00:58,349 {\an8}When they returned, 12 00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:00,226 {\an8}the old girl was just as they'd left her 13 00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:02,062 {\an8}only now, she was infested 14 00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:04,230 {\an8}with thousands upon thousands of rats. 15 00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:06,941 (disgusted murmuring) 16 00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:08,193 {\an8}Right. 17 00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:09,819 {\an8}And if you listen real carefully, 18 00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,613 {\an8}you can still hear them gnawing away at the apples 19 00:01:11,696 --> 00:01:13,698 {\an8}and splashing around in the toilets. 20 00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:17,118 {\an8}And that concludes this portion of the tour. 21 00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:18,995 (coins jingling) 22 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,122 {\an8}One of the most historically significant 23 00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:24,042 {\an8}fruit presses in this part of the state. 24 00:01:24,125 --> 00:01:25,543 {\an8}Based on a German design 25 00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:28,129 {\an8}but modified for larger American apples... 26 00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:30,590 {\an8}Well, if god didn't make little green apples 27 00:01:30,673 --> 00:01:31,758 {\an8}it's Homer Simpson. 28 00:01:31,841 --> 00:01:33,301 {\an8}How long have you been here? 29 00:01:33,384 --> 00:01:36,096 {\an8}20 of the suckiest minutes of my life. 30 00:01:36,179 --> 00:01:38,264 {\an8}Oh, sucking down the cider, huh? 31 00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:40,975 {\an8}Hey, word to the wise-- Season pass. 32 00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:42,852 Pays for itself after the 16th visit. 33 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,896 You know, most people don't know the difference 34 00:01:44,979 --> 00:01:47,732 between apple cider and apple juice, but I do. 35 00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:49,442 Here's a little trick to help you remember. 36 00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:52,320 If it's clear and yella, you've got juice there, fella. 37 00:01:52,403 --> 00:01:54,572 If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. 38 00:01:54,656 --> 00:01:56,908 Now, there's two exceptions, and it gets tricky here... 39 00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:59,869 HOMER'S BRAIN: Ohh! You can stay, but I'm leaving. 40 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:02,789 ...can be yellow if they're using late season apples. 41 00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:05,583 And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped. 42 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:08,962 Oh my, I better get you some cider. 43 00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:12,340 Next to spring and winter 44 00:02:12,423 --> 00:02:14,926 fall is my absolute favorite season. 45 00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:18,304 Just look at all this beautiful "foilage". 46 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:21,391 It's not "foilage," Mom. It's "foliage." 47 00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:22,767 Foliage. 48 00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:24,978 That's what I said, "foilage". 49 00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:26,521 It doesn't take 50 00:02:26,604 --> 00:02:29,732 a "nucular" scientist to pronounce "foilage". 51 00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:31,442 (exasperated sigh) 52 00:02:38,908 --> 00:02:40,368 Honestly, Smithers 53 00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:42,829 I don't know why Harvard even bothers to show up. 54 00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:45,248 They barely even won. 55 00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:46,916 Their cheating was even more rampant 56 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,960 than last year, sir. 57 00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:57,594 Well, I say let Harvard have its football and academics. 58 00:02:57,677 --> 00:03:01,139 Yale will always be first in gentlemanly club life. 59 00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:03,433 Why, every friend I have, I made right here. 60 00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,226 Hello, Burnsie. 61 00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:06,394 It's your old roomie, Dink. 62 00:03:06,477 --> 00:03:07,353 (groans) 63 00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:16,362 Steady... Steady... 64 00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:17,614 (screeching) 65 00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:20,658 Oh-ho! Nicely played, sir. 66 00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:22,368 MAN (on PA): Attention, passengers. 67 00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:24,204 The train has been temporarily delayed 68 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,539 because of a discarded couch on the tracks. 69 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:31,586 Looks like some sort of a couch. 70 00:03:31,669 --> 00:03:33,755 This might take a while, Smithers. 71 00:03:33,838 --> 00:03:35,423 Why don't you get drunk and stumble around 72 00:03:35,506 --> 00:03:36,591 comically for my amusement? 73 00:03:36,674 --> 00:03:38,051 I'll be a one-man conga line. 74 00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:45,892 Customers. Thank God. 75 00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:47,352 Papa needs a new pair of everything. 76 00:03:48,686 --> 00:03:49,896 Hey, how you doing? 77 00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:51,522 Welcome to scenic Waynesport 78 00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:54,692 and remember your visit with a googly-eyed walnut. 79 00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:56,402 How about a googly-eyed rock? 80 00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,404 Some nice local squash candy? 81 00:03:58,488 --> 00:03:59,948 A stretched-out Pepsi bottle? 82 00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,241 Come on. 83 00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:02,408 If this stuff is too nice for you, 84 00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,077 I've got some crap. 85 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,371 (humming drunkenly) 86 00:04:26,015 --> 00:04:27,392 Hey, Casey Jones, 87 00:04:27,475 --> 00:04:28,393 where's this train headed? 88 00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:29,644 Springfield. 89 00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:31,271 Yeah, yeah. What state? 90 00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:32,272 (train whistle blows) 91 00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:38,486 I can honestly say 92 00:04:38,569 --> 00:04:40,530 that was the most fun I've ever had. 93 00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:45,326 The mill, the history, all that gorgeous... foliage. 94 00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:49,247 I can't "excape" Lisa, our little walking "libary". 95 00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:55,503 Can't they get a pole for that sign? 96 00:04:55,586 --> 00:04:56,754 That's a hitchhiker, Homer. 97 00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:57,964 Ooh! Let's pick him up. 98 00:04:58,047 --> 00:04:59,757 No! What if he's crazy? 99 00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:02,010 And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots. 100 00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:03,594 We're not picking him up. 101 00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:04,637 -Oh, yes, we are. -There's not enough room. 102 00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,180 Yes, there is. 103 00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:07,974 I just don't think it's a good idea. 104 00:05:08,057 --> 00:05:10,476 And I think it's the best idea I've ever had. 105 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,895 We're picking up the weirdo, and that's final. 106 00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:22,447 Hey, you folks are all right. 107 00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:24,365 Man, it was rough getting a ride out there. 108 00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:26,159 The only car that stopped was a hearse 109 00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:27,327 that thought I fell out. 110 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:28,828 It was rough, I tell you. 111 00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:32,498 Careful of the apple pie on the seat. 112 00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:33,708 Uh-oh! 113 00:05:33,791 --> 00:05:36,127 Grandpa, are you sitting on the pie? 114 00:05:36,210 --> 00:05:38,671 I sure hope so. 115 00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,508 I'm looking for this guy. Anybody know who he is? 116 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:44,385 Yeah, sure, we know him. That's Mr. Burns. 117 00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:45,678 He tried to kill our puppies. 118 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,347 He sexually harassed me. 119 00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:49,349 He stole my fiancee. 120 00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:51,934 He made fun of my weight. 121 00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,728 Okay, so there's been a little friction. 122 00:05:53,811 --> 00:05:54,687 Know his address? 123 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,320 Ho, this guy's got more bread than a prison meat loaf. 124 00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:03,696 He's rich, I tell you. 125 00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:06,824 I never seen a place with a walk-in mailbox. 126 00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:08,326 Hey, who am I talking to? 127 00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:12,330 (doorbell rings) 128 00:06:13,998 --> 00:06:15,208 Yes? 129 00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:18,211 Yeah. Uh... Hi. My name is Larry. 130 00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:19,837 I'm here to see Mr. Burns. 131 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,547 Well, I hate to break it to you, Larry 132 00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:23,758 but if Mr. Burns ever wants to see a stranger 133 00:06:23,841 --> 00:06:26,135 he will observe him through a powerful telescope. 134 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,596 -Now-- -Smithers, what's going on? 135 00:06:28,679 --> 00:06:30,807 How dare you interrupt my lime rickey! 136 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:33,351 (loud slurping) 137 00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:34,727 State your business. 138 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,437 Well, uh... Sheesh, uh... 139 00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:38,106 I'm a little nervous here. 140 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:39,440 What I'm trying to say is I'm-- 141 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,359 You're what? Selling light bulbs? 142 00:06:41,442 --> 00:06:42,568 Worried about the whales? 143 00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:44,320 Keen on Jesus? Out with it. 144 00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:45,863 Well, Mr. Burns, I'm your son. 145 00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,493 Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks. 146 00:06:50,576 --> 00:06:51,953 You got a paper towel? 147 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,708 It's true. 148 00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:59,043 He is my son. 149 00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:00,795 Hey, now you're talking. 150 00:07:00,878 --> 00:07:02,422 Good God. 151 00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:05,258 Pop, don't get me wrong, it's great to be here. 152 00:07:05,341 --> 00:07:06,384 But how does a guy like you wind up 153 00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:07,885 with a son like me? 154 00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:10,388 Larry, my lad, I've gone over this story 155 00:07:10,471 --> 00:07:12,723 in my mind a million times. 156 00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:14,684 It was 1941. 157 00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:17,478 The-- No, '39. 158 00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:19,230 My 25th Yale reunion. 159 00:07:23,359 --> 00:07:25,153 Who should appear but the unrequited love 160 00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:28,865 of my college years, Mimsie Bancroft. 161 00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:31,534 Of course, by then, Mimsie had her share of wrinkles 162 00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:34,162 and a gray hair or two but my adoring eyes 163 00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:36,164 saw past those minor imperfections 164 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,458 to her 21-year-old daughter, lily. 165 00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:41,002 I took Lily to the local cinematorium 166 00:07:41,085 --> 00:07:42,879 where our passions were inflamed 167 00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:46,007 by Clark Gable's reckless use of the word "Damn". 168 00:07:46,090 --> 00:07:48,968 {\an8}We sneaked into the nearby Peabody Museum. 169 00:07:49,051 --> 00:07:52,722 There, under the smiling eyes of four stuffed eskimos 170 00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:55,349 we expressed our love physically 171 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:56,767 as was the style at the time. 172 00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:03,399 How do you like that? I have been in a museum. 173 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,775 So, what happened with you and ma? 174 00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:06,944 There was a terrible scandal. 175 00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:08,446 Lily's family forced her to give you up 176 00:08:08,529 --> 00:08:12,116 and bundled her off to a convent in the south seas. 177 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,868 I never heard from her again. 178 00:08:13,951 --> 00:08:15,161 But I prattle on. 179 00:08:15,244 --> 00:08:16,662 Tell me everything about your life. 180 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:18,164 Oh, what's to tell? 181 00:08:18,247 --> 00:08:20,208 I was at the orphanage till I was 18. 182 00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:23,336 Then I got my job at a souvenir stand. 183 00:08:23,419 --> 00:08:25,379 Oh, and once, I saw a blimp. 184 00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:28,049 Well, you must be tired. 185 00:08:28,132 --> 00:08:30,218 Let me show you your room. 186 00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:34,055 Oh, is this posh! 187 00:08:34,138 --> 00:08:37,558 Pop, nobody's ever been so nice to me. 188 00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:39,685 Yes, yes. 189 00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:41,812 All right. (chuckles) 190 00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,940 Good to see you too. 191 00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:46,067 Now then, in case you get bored, 192 00:08:46,150 --> 00:08:48,444 here's the playroom. 193 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,822 You can't just eat the orange and throw the peel away! 194 00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:53,616 A man's not a piece of fruit! 195 00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:55,660 This show was supposed to close last week! 196 00:08:55,743 --> 00:08:59,288 Close this show! Close it, I say. 197 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,665 Hey, don't worry about it. 198 00:09:00,748 --> 00:09:01,707 You're all right. 199 00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:09,257 -(shrieks) -Huh? 200 00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:10,925 Hey, you're that hitchhiker. 201 00:09:11,008 --> 00:09:12,134 What are you doing here? 202 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:13,719 Learning the family business. 203 00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:15,638 I'm Larry Burns, the boss' son. 204 00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:16,764 Uh-oh! 205 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:20,518 Yeah, relax. I don't want to work. 206 00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:23,479 I'm so lazy, I took lessons on a player piano. 207 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,273 Wow, that's really lazy. 208 00:09:25,356 --> 00:09:27,024 Lazy? You're not kidding. 209 00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:29,193 I'm like a rug on valium. I'm talkin' lazy. 210 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,612 So lazy. 211 00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:34,282 And Larry and I have so much in common, Marge, 212 00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:35,741 way more than you and me. 213 00:09:35,825 --> 00:09:38,786 If I could be stranded on an island with anyone 214 00:09:38,869 --> 00:09:40,746 it would definitely be Larry. 215 00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:42,123 I think we've heard enough 216 00:09:42,206 --> 00:09:44,292 about Larry Burns for one evening. 217 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:46,210 Why? It's not like anything interesting happened 218 00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:47,878 to anyone else today. 219 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:57,138 Hey, Pop, this crowd is pretty swanky. 220 00:09:57,221 --> 00:09:58,598 I'm not gonna fit in here. 221 00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:00,349 Nonsense, Larry. 222 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,351 Your blood is bluer than any of theirs. 223 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:05,187 Just give them a snootful of the old Burns charm. 224 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,231 Oh, Admiral Carstairs. 225 00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:08,566 I'd like you to meet my son, Larry. 226 00:10:08,649 --> 00:10:10,067 Hey, skipper, good to meet you. 227 00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:12,236 Where'd you start out, on the Merrimack? 228 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:13,654 Hey, I should talk. 229 00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:15,781 I hope I look that good when I'm 200. 230 00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,408 Such insubordination! 231 00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:19,160 Larry, please. 232 00:10:19,243 --> 00:10:20,745 He's very sensitive about his age. 233 00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:23,080 Oh, Monty, this must be the son 234 00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:24,665 I've heard so much about. 235 00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:28,252 Larry, you must meet our daughter, the debutante. 236 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:30,087 She came out last spring. 237 00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,006 Whoa! Put her back in. 238 00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:34,050 She's not done yet. 239 00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,051 Hmph! 240 00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:40,181 Smithers, there's something a bit odd about young Larry. 241 00:10:40,264 --> 00:10:42,892 I can't quite put my finger on it. 242 00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:45,436 Well, he is a bit rough around the edges, sir. 243 00:10:45,519 --> 00:10:48,856 One might blame his truly heroic intake of cocktails. 244 00:10:48,939 --> 00:10:50,900 Pull up a seat, Pop. You, too, Chuckles. 245 00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:52,109 I mean, the food ain't great 246 00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:54,654 but the portions are terrific. 247 00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,489 Hey, I'm kidding. Relax. 248 00:10:56,572 --> 00:10:58,574 Hey, give my regards to Mrs. Boy-ar-dee. 249 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,034 (groans) 250 00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:01,661 A total lack of refinement. 251 00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:04,372 Smithers, send for the boys at Yale admissions, hmm? 252 00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:08,668 Well, did you meet Larry? 253 00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:10,002 Oh, yes. 254 00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:12,088 He made light of my weight problem. 255 00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:15,508 Then suggested my motto should be "Semper fudge." 256 00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:18,135 At that point, he told me to "Relax." 257 00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:19,720 How were his test scores? 258 00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:21,013 Let's just say this-- 259 00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:23,307 He spelled "Yale" with a six. 260 00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:25,393 I see. Well, I-- 261 00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:27,019 Oh, you know, I just remembered 262 00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:28,771 it's time for my annual donation. 263 00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:30,815 I wonder how much I should give. 264 00:11:30,898 --> 00:11:32,858 Well, frankly, test scores like Larry's 265 00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:35,695 would call for a very generous contribution. 266 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:37,655 For example, a score of 400 267 00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:40,282 would require a donation of new football uniforms 268 00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:43,452 300, a new dormitory, and in Larry's case 269 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,121 we would need an international airport. 270 00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:48,749 Yale could use an international airport, Mr. Burns. 271 00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:50,042 Are you mad? 272 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,335 I'm not made of airports! 273 00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:53,045 Get out! 274 00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:55,464 Summon my son at once. 275 00:11:56,590 --> 00:11:57,842 Uh... 276 00:11:57,925 --> 00:11:59,885 It appears he's gone drinkin', sir. 277 00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:01,721 (growls) 278 00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,932 Everybody go nuts! I'm buying! 279 00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:07,143 Hey, handsome, send the bill to my dad. 280 00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:10,312 Okay, but the last guy who charged a drink to Burns 281 00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:11,313 turned up in a landfill. 282 00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,107 Yeah, but it was worth it. 283 00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:14,233 (belches) 284 00:12:14,316 --> 00:12:15,401 What's everybody in this burg 285 00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:16,777 have against my dad? 286 00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:18,237 He's a pussycat. 287 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,114 I tell you, he's a doll-baby. 288 00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:21,615 Come on over, I'll show you. 289 00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:24,952 (loud chewing) 290 00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:31,417 Oh, this is some party. 291 00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:32,918 If it gets any livelier, 292 00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:34,295 a funeral's going to break out. 293 00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:35,796 Quiet, you. 294 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,006 Nobody likes a comedian. 295 00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:38,424 Geez. Come on, Dad. 296 00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:39,508 We got company. 297 00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,302 Make with the yakkety-yak-yak. 298 00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:43,971 (quietly): Oh... "Yakkety-yak-yak." 299 00:12:44,054 --> 00:12:45,097 You, foodbag. 300 00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:46,265 Do you have a son? 301 00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:48,476 Yes, sir, I do. 302 00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:50,227 And is he a constant disappointment? 303 00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,646 Does he bring home nitwits and make you talk to them? 304 00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:54,148 Oh, all the time! 305 00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:55,900 Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse? 306 00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:57,318 He's a little wiener-- 307 00:12:57,401 --> 00:12:58,569 Fascinating. Good night. 308 00:12:58,652 --> 00:13:00,821 Dad, what's with you tonight? 309 00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:02,990 I mean, I'm getting frostbite over here. 310 00:13:03,073 --> 00:13:05,284 I'll tell you what's with me. 311 00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:06,786 The humiliation of having 312 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:10,831 a coarse, boorish ignoramus for a son! 313 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:15,461 (quietly): Uh, I should go. 314 00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:16,921 What's the matter, Pop? 315 00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:18,339 Don't you love me anymore? 316 00:13:18,422 --> 00:13:19,590 (door slams) 317 00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:27,765 Sheesh, Dad and I, we started out great 318 00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:30,518 but now it's falling apart like a Chinese motorcycle. 319 00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:31,852 It's so unfair. 320 00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:33,562 You're everything a dad could hope for. 321 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,856 Yeah, I tell you, I don't get no regard. 322 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,066 No regard at all. 323 00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:38,567 No esteem, either. 324 00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:40,611 Larry, there's only one sure way 325 00:13:40,694 --> 00:13:42,488 to make him realize how much he loves you. 326 00:13:42,571 --> 00:13:44,073 And that... 327 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:46,158 is a phony kidnapping. 328 00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:47,952 Yeah, right. I don't know. 329 00:13:48,035 --> 00:13:50,204 Maybe I should just leave town. 330 00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:52,414 (sing-song) Phony kidnapping. 331 00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:53,582 Nah. 332 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,626 I know what I got to do. 333 00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:57,086 I got to clean up my act. 334 00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:58,838 No more joking around all the time. 335 00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:00,464 No more slacking off at work. 336 00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:04,593 And most important: no more booze. 337 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:05,928 I know I can do it. 338 00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:10,808 "Your son has been kidnapped." 339 00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:19,358 I can't believe someone would kidnap my Larry. 340 00:14:19,441 --> 00:14:21,360 I won't rest until he's returned to me. 341 00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:23,904 Not to be impertinent, sir, but didn't you want Larry 342 00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:26,365 out of your life as recently as two hours ago? 343 00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:27,825 It's the principle, Smithers. 344 00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:29,827 Nobody steals from Montgomery Burns 345 00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:31,829 whether it be my Sunday newspaper 346 00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:33,163 or my loutish oaf of a son. 347 00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:34,540 All right, Mr. B., 348 00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:36,959 when the kidnappers call with the ransom demand 349 00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:38,836 you tell them you'll leave the money 350 00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:40,713 under the big net in the park. 351 00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:43,841 And then down comes the net, right, chief? 352 00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:45,926 Hey, I like it. 353 00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:48,012 I like it a lot. 354 00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:53,642 Hmm? 355 00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,693 What are you doing in the basement? 356 00:15:02,776 --> 00:15:04,612 It's like you're hiding out down here. 357 00:15:04,695 --> 00:15:06,363 Hiding out? 358 00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:08,991 Marge, you've been reading too many hideout books. 359 00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:11,118 What's that hitchhiker doing here? 360 00:15:11,201 --> 00:15:13,412 Is every drifter we meet going to move in with us? 361 00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:14,955 Of course not. 362 00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:16,999 We'll decide that on a drifter-by-drifter basis. 363 00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:20,044 He's not a drifter, Mom. That's Mr. Burns's son, Larry. 364 00:15:20,127 --> 00:15:22,004 He's great at pointing out everyone's foibles. 365 00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:23,088 Hey! How are you doing? 366 00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:24,715 Hoo, look at your hair. 367 00:15:24,798 --> 00:15:26,759 What happened? You saw yourself in the mirror? 368 00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:28,260 He's kidding, Mom. 369 00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:30,387 But seriously, I'd love to have hair like yours. 370 00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:32,014 I just can't get the zoning permits. 371 00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:35,142 Hey, that reminds me, Mom-- Buckingham palace called. 372 00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:36,602 They want their hat back. 373 00:15:36,685 --> 00:15:37,853 (grumbles) 374 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,813 Hey, kids, how about a hand for your mom? 375 00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:40,981 She's all right. 376 00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:42,858 -Yeah, Mom! -All right, Mom! 377 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,652 Oh. Yeah. Thank you. 378 00:15:48,238 --> 00:15:50,115 (phone ringing) 379 00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:51,450 Ahoy-hoy? 380 00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:53,035 (voice buzzing) Hello, Mr. Burns. 381 00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:55,120 This is the kidnapper. 382 00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:56,830 Do you miss your son? 383 00:15:56,914 --> 00:15:58,248 Yes, I'm missing one son. 384 00:15:58,332 --> 00:15:59,583 Return it immediately. 385 00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:02,044 If you really love Larry, prove it, 386 00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:04,421 and you can have him back today. 387 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,924 Oh, how much proof do you need? 388 00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:08,258 5,000? 6,000? 389 00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:10,010 I swear, that's all I've got. 390 00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:12,429 Don't you care about your son? 391 00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,431 This is more important than money. 392 00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:15,432 More important than money? 393 00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:16,934 Who is this? 394 00:16:17,017 --> 00:16:20,270 Uh... just a second. 395 00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:24,024 Beautiful. Eddie, did you trace the phone number? 396 00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,359 Sure did, chief. 397 00:16:25,442 --> 00:16:29,405 555... Aw, geez, that's got to be phony. 398 00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:35,536 Hey, I think I got a pai gow. 399 00:16:35,619 --> 00:16:37,454 I hate pai gow. 400 00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:38,706 Can't we just play quang jong? 401 00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:39,832 Can't we just go upstairs? 402 00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:41,417 Homer: No! 403 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,460 {\an8}This is Kent Brockman in Choppercopter 6 404 00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:45,212 {\an8}with a special report. 405 00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:48,382 {\an8}Montgomery Burns's son has been kidnapped. 406 00:16:48,465 --> 00:16:49,758 Kidnapped? 407 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:52,052 Marge, it's not a real kidnapping. 408 00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:54,972 It's a simple hoax to win a father's love. 409 00:16:55,055 --> 00:16:56,849 You know how I feel about hoaxes. 410 00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:58,017 Still? 411 00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,143 I want you to take Larry back 412 00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:00,477 to Mr. Burns right now 413 00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:02,187 before you get in a lot of trouble. 414 00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:03,564 What!? 415 00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:05,357 But, Marge, it's broad daylight 416 00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:06,900 and there's cops everywhere. 417 00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,485 No excuses. Just do it. 418 00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:10,154 Oh! 419 00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:15,909 Of course we'll bring you updates 420 00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:17,369 {\an8}just as soon as they-- 421 00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:18,871 {\an8}Oh, wait a minute! There they are! 422 00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:21,290 {\an8}Larry Burns and his kidnapper. 423 00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:22,458 {\an8}(screams) 424 00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:28,130 {\an8}Appearing in broad daylight with police everywhere-- 425 00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:30,966 {\an8}Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one word for that: 426 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,051 {\an8}Idiocy. 427 00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:34,178 (groans) 428 00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:37,431 (sirens wailing) 429 00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:42,686 (panting) 430 00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,813 We've got to find someplace to hide. 431 00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:46,106 The abandoned warehouse. 432 00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:50,861 D'oh! 433 00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:52,279 Stupid economic recovery. 434 00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:04,875 Hey, buy a costume or get out, fellas. 435 00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:11,090 We've got to find someplace no one will ever go. 436 00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:12,216 Hello! 437 00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:16,637 CHILD: Drive faster, Grandma! 438 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,056 Grandma's gaining on us! 439 00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:21,558 (chuckles) They'll never look for us here. 440 00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,353 This place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet. 441 00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:25,646 Shh! 442 00:18:25,729 --> 00:18:29,316 Some people are trying to watch the movie. 443 00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:31,151 You don't like it, call the cops. 444 00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:33,862 (laughing) 445 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:37,491 (both laughing) 446 00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:42,037 (sirens wailing) 447 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,581 This is Kent Brockman, live from the Aztec theater 448 00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:46,250 where police have learned 449 00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:47,584 that kidnapper Homer Simpson and hostage Larry Burns 450 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:50,546 are inside talking loudly. 451 00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:52,673 Oh, give yourself up, Homie! 452 00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:54,341 No, Dad! Shoot your way out! 453 00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:57,845 (gunfire) 454 00:18:57,928 --> 00:19:00,222 (screaming) 455 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,891 A bloody end for Homer Simpson... 456 00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,685 is just one of several possible outcomes 457 00:19:04,768 --> 00:19:06,645 according to our computer simulation. 458 00:19:06,728 --> 00:19:08,730 Now here's how it would look if the police killed him 459 00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:10,983 with a barrage of baseballs. 460 00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:13,110 We've got to go down there and help dad. 461 00:19:13,193 --> 00:19:15,195 HOMER: Ouch! Oooch! Eeech! Ouch! Oooch! 462 00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:16,655 Oh, stop it! 463 00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:19,283 Shh. 464 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,244 (sticky footsteps) 465 00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:28,584 (crunching) Still warm. 466 00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:29,710 -They can't be far. -(door opens) 467 00:19:29,793 --> 00:19:30,669 Chief! 468 00:19:32,713 --> 00:19:35,716 (sticky sounds) 469 00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:39,845 (grunts) 470 00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:41,680 WIGGUM: Don't be a fool, Simpson. 471 00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:43,182 Let the kid go. 472 00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:45,559 The negotiations have failed. Shoot him! 473 00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:46,768 (hammer cocking) 474 00:19:48,228 --> 00:19:49,146 Wait! 475 00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:50,314 (all gasping) 476 00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:51,607 WOMAN: Wait? What do you mean, wait? 477 00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:52,983 I mean, Homer's no kidnapper. 478 00:19:53,066 --> 00:19:55,277 He's the best friend I ever had. 479 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:56,486 We faked the whole thing. 480 00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:59,072 (shocked murmuring) 481 00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:00,616 I should have known you're the only one 482 00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:01,950 stupid enough to kidnap you. 483 00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,994 Now get down here so I can spank you 484 00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:05,162 in front of this gawking rabble. 485 00:20:05,245 --> 00:20:07,623 Smithers, take off my belt. 486 00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:08,790 With pleasure, sir. 487 00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:10,542 Hold on, Mr. Burns. 488 00:20:10,626 --> 00:20:12,711 Maybe we did fake a kidnapping 489 00:20:12,794 --> 00:20:15,422 but is that really such a crime? 490 00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:17,633 All your son wanted was a little attention, 491 00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:19,426 a little love. 492 00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:21,470 I'm a father myself, sir. 493 00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:23,180 And sure, sometimes my kids 494 00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:27,184 can be obnoxious... or boring... or stinky 495 00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:29,728 but they can always count on one thing: 496 00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:32,439 their father's unconditional love. 497 00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,195 Well, how about it, Pop? 498 00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:39,738 I know it's tough 499 00:20:39,821 --> 00:20:41,782 but can you love me for what I am? 500 00:20:41,865 --> 00:20:42,991 Uh... 501 00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:45,285 Well... 502 00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:47,871 Uh... 503 00:20:47,955 --> 00:20:50,832 There, there, sonny boy. 504 00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:53,710 I suppose I have been a bit-- 505 00:20:53,794 --> 00:20:55,212 Oh, no, I can't do it. 506 00:20:55,295 --> 00:20:56,713 It's just not me. 507 00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:59,091 I'm sorry, Larry 508 00:20:59,174 --> 00:21:01,635 I can't be the family that you need. 509 00:21:01,718 --> 00:21:04,763 Aw, that's okay. I got a wife and kids. 510 00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:06,306 Oh, that reminds me. 511 00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:07,933 They're probably wondering where I went. 512 00:21:08,016 --> 00:21:09,476 I told them I'm going for coffee. 513 00:21:09,559 --> 00:21:10,727 That was a week ago. 514 00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:13,605 Well, Son, delighted to have met you. 515 00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:15,065 It's good to know 516 00:21:15,148 --> 00:21:17,818 that there's another kidney out there for me. 517 00:21:17,901 --> 00:21:19,444 You got it, Pop. 518 00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:21,863 Just let me run a few pints through it first. 519 00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:23,907 As long as everybody's here... 520 00:21:23,991 --> 00:21:25,492 Let's party! 521 00:21:25,575 --> 00:21:27,995 (all cheering) 522 00:21:28,078 --> 00:21:31,373 ♪ Any way you want it, that's the way you need it ♪ 523 00:21:31,456 --> 00:21:33,458 ♪ Any way you want it ♪ 524 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,422 Who's playing that music? 525 00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:40,757 And where is all that liquor coming from? 526 00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:42,134 It's a party, Marge. 527 00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:44,344 It doesn't have to make sense. 528 00:21:44,428 --> 00:21:46,054 {\an8}♪ She loves to move, she loves to groove ♪ 529 00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:47,639 Oh, yeah! 530 00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:49,266 {\an8}♪ She loves the lovin' things ♪ 531 00:21:51,059 --> 00:21:52,936 {\an8}♪ Oh, all night ♪ 532 00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:54,604 {\an8}♪ All night ♪ 533 00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:56,231 {\an8}♪ Oh, every night ♪ 534 00:21:57,983 --> 00:21:59,526 {\an8}♪ So hold tight ♪ 535 00:21:59,609 --> 00:22:01,111 {\an8}♪ Hold tight ♪ 536 00:22:01,194 --> 00:22:03,780 {\an8}♪ Oh, baby, hold tight ♪ 537 00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:06,283 {\an8}♪ She said any way you want it ♪ 538 00:22:06,366 --> 00:22:07,993 {\an8}♪ That's the way you need it ♪ 539 00:22:08,076 --> 00:22:10,912 {\an8}♪ Any way you want it ♪ 540 00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:13,206 {\an8}♪ She said any way you want it ♪ 541 00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,958 {\an8}♪ That's the way you need it ♪ 542 00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:16,793 {\an8}♪ Any way you want it ♪ 543 00:22:18,962 --> 00:22:20,339 {\an8}♪ I was alone ♪ 544 00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:22,215 {\an8}♪ I never knew ♪ 545 00:22:22,299 --> 00:22:25,177 {\an8}♪ What good love could do ♪ 546 00:22:25,260 --> 00:22:27,346 {\an8}♪ Then we touched ♪ 547 00:22:27,429 --> 00:22:29,348 {\an8}♪ Then we sang ♪ 548 00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:32,559 {\an8}♪ About the lovin' things ♪ 549 00:22:32,642 --> 00:22:34,227 {\an8}♪ Oh, all night ♪ 550 00:22:34,311 --> 00:22:35,562 {\an8}♪ All night ♪ 551 00:22:35,645 --> 00:22:39,566 {\an8}♪ Oh, every night... ♪ 552 00:22:39,649 --> 00:22:40,984 Shh! 553 00:22:43,779 --> 00:22:46,573 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.