♪ The Simpsons ♪
D'oh!
(screams)
♪ They fight and fight ♪
♪ They fight and fight and fight ♪
BOTH: Dad! V-chip! V-chip!
Sorry, sorry. My fault.
♪ ...Scratchy show! ♪
(sniffling)
(gasps)
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this cartoon for a special report.
Someone found my keys.
Kent Brockman at the action news desk.
A massive tanker has run aground
on the central coastline
spilling millions of gallons of oil on Baby Seal Beach.
Oh, no!
It will be okay, honey.
There's lots more oil where that came from.
Preliminary reports indicated
the ship's captain was drunk at the helm.
Those reports were later confirmed.
Arr. I'm in a lot of trouble now...
Hey, I'll give you a hundred bucks
to take the blame.
A clean-up effort is already underway
and as always, the first to pitch in
are those unsung heroes
Hollywood movie stars.
(barking)
This isn't about publicity.
This is about cleaning off gunk.
As a golden globe nominee, I just think it's our duty
to make the real globe a little more golden.
LISA: We'd be doing our part for the environment.
Plus, we'd get to clean up all those cute animals.
Honey, we don't need to drive 400 miles
to clean animals.
You can stay right here and give the dog a bath
or trim the cat's nails.
Oh, Mom, please.
You can make this my birthday
and Christmas presents.
You've already used up your birthday and Christmas presents
on that peach tree we got you
and you hardly ever play with that anymore.
Yes, I do. Sure, I do. Look.
♪ Here I am playing on my peach tree, Mom ♪
Oh, all right, we'll go.
Now, the cat needs his medication every morning.
No problem. Can do.
The furnace has been giving off a lot of carbon monoxide...
-Gotcha. -So keep the window open.
Cat in the furnace.
Uh, you know,
I think I'll take Maggie with us.
And if anything happens, just use your best judgm--
Mmm...
Just do what I would do.
BOTH: Woo-hoo!
A whole week of just father and son.
See you at dinner.
(both whistling)
What time?
You know... I don't know.
Shall we say 10:00?
All right, just wake me up.
(crunching)
You know, Bart, I saw this one.
(mumbling)
ANNOUNCER: Live, from the grand ballroom
of the Hapsburg imperial palace
it's the world series of bumper cars.
More food.
BART: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth?
HOMER: No.
But at least rinse your mouth out with soda.
(pop-top opening)
(gargling)
I'm going to rescue a baby seal
and then I'm going to save an otter.
Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, but all the animals
have already been reserved for celebrities.
There. That's 104 pounds of sandpipers.
You mean there's nothing left to clean?
Well, there are rocks.
Thousands and thousands of rocks.
I've got rocks that need washing at home.
Geez, look at this place.
We got to do something.
Hmm, garbage angels?
(both laughing)
Dad, I think I need some fresh air.
Can I go to the park?
Do I have to sit up?
No.
Knock yourself out.
(engine buzzing)
Milhouse, this is boring.
Make it crash or something.
Perfectly level flying is the supreme challenge
of the scale-model pilot.
-Give me that. -Hey!
(engine buzzing)
(gasps)
Ah! It's gaining on us!
I'm pedaling backwards.
Abandon ship!
I don't like being outdoors, Smithers.
For one thing, there are too many fat children.
(gasps)
(engine sputtering)
Thanks a lot.
Now it's stuck on that haunted house.
I heard a witch lives there.
I heard a Frankenstein lives there.
You guys are way off.
It's a secret lab where they take the brains out of zombies
and put them in the heads of other zombies
to create a race of super-zombies.
That's the house?!
(blows raspberry) Stand aside, wussies.
(bell rings)
WOMAN: Go away.
No children.
Enough talk.
(humming fanfare)
S-u-c-c-e-e-s, that's the way you spell succ--
(screaming)
(gasping)
(laughing) No, no.
H-help, h-help.
I'm gonna die.
(screams)
(groaning)
Oh, no! The witch has Bart!
We've got to hurry.
(all screaming)
(doorbell rings)
HOMER: Just a minute.
(paper tearing)
Hello?
Your son was trespassing on my property
and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and--
Are you wearing a grocery bag?
I have misplaced my pants.
I'm not going to press charges
but I assume you'll wanna punish him.
(laughing) Yeah,
appreciate the suggestion, lady, but he hates that.
And I got to live with him.
You're the man, Homer.
Well, if you won't discipline him,
I'll come back and speak with his mother.
No, wait, wait.
Madam, I run a house of discipline.
The boy will be disciplined and disciplined severely.
Good day.
Oh, I don't know how to punish you.
What does Marge usually do?
She makes me taste beer.
Come on, boy.
Give your old man a little credit.
Yeah, well, I still get to punish you.
Now, you're going to do chores for that lady
until you work off the damage you did.
It's called responsibility.
(crunching)
(screams)
(tires squealing)
(doorbell rings)
Come on in, Bart.
I can't believe
I've got to spend all my free time
dusting doilies in a smelly, run-down dump
for a creepy old witch.
♪♪ (cancan)
Lady, I got to tell you--
I have been grossly misinformed
about witches.
Wow, man, what is this place?
I prefer not to be called "Man."
My name is Belle
and this is the Maison Derriere.
That means the, uh, "Back house."
Are you having a party or something?
Nonstop.
We're a burlesque house--
A private club where gentlemen can play some cards
and see a show.
Miss Belle,
we're about to do our "Around the World" number,
but Monte Carlo can't find her dice.
Here you go, darlin'.
Normally, we don't allow children in here
but your father was so insistent.
He's tough but fair.
I'll start sorting these bras.
That's a bit advanced for you.
But I know a stopped-up sink
that needs some attention.
Just glad to be on the team.
BELLE: When you work the door
the main things are to greet the visitors
and toss out the troublemakers.
Oh, the ol' greet 'n' toss.
No problemo.
How did I ever get along without you?
(whistling)
Oop.
Is your name Bart?
-Mm-hmm. -What the--
Does your father know you're working here?
It was his idea.
In that case I'll have a whiskey sour.
Oh, there's something unsatisfying
about scrubbing these rocks
and I think I know what it is.
Lisa, I know it's frustrating
but we made a commitment and we have to see it through
no matter how unpleasant.
Quitting time. Okay.
Scrub up and head for the communal tarp.
We're having kelpburgers
and we're going to watch a tape of Johnny Arvik.
He's the eskimo comedian.
Faster, Mom, faster.
Oh, that was our emcee, Mel Zetz.
He got out of bed too fast and broke his hip.
So who's going to warm up the crowd tonight?
Well, whoever fits Mel's tuxedo.
Eep!
The jokes are in the breast pocket.
If you get in trouble,
there's a switch that makes the bow tie spin.
"Heh, nudist colonies are everywhere these days.
"I'd love to go, but I--
I can't get the wrinkles out of my birthday suit."
(raucous laughter)
"But I got to tell you,
"Adam and Eve must have been the first bookkeepers.
They invented the loose leaf system."
(raucous laughter)
(chuckling)
If there's a bad bookkeeping joke
I haven't heard it.
ANNOUNCER: It's 11:00.
Do you know where your children are?
I told you last night, no!
Where is Bart anyway?
His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.
Bart, where are you?
Come on!
I have to be up at 6:00 a.m. to swipe Flanders' newspaper.
What the--
"President Eisenhower celebrates
"40th wedding anniversary.
Not pictured, Mrs. Eisenhower."
I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.
Bart was filling in--
I don't care if he was filling for Mel Zetz.
He's my son and I don't want him working...
so... late... that...
Oh, I agree.
Kids need rules and boundaries.
Yes, everyone loves rules.
It's so tough to be a parent these days
what with all the gangs and the drugs...
Oh, yeah, drugs. You gotta have drugs.
Hey, he didn't pay the cover.
Oh, Bart, he's your father.
We'll comp him tonight.
Start a tab tomorrow.
Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show.
-Nope. -Is Roxanne back?
Yup.
Did she, uh, get my flowers?
-She did. -I--
Hello, Bart.
Hello, Principal Skinner.
This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it?
(doorbell rings)
Uh, this isn't going to be about Jesus, is it?
All things are about Jesus, Homer.
Except this.
Your son has been working in a burlesque house.
Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes.
That's true, but I was only in there
to get directions on how to get away from there.
Helen, as a responsible parent
I was already well aware of that.
Homer, I'm as permissive as the next parent.
I mean, just yesterday I let Todd buy some red hots
with a cartoon devil on the box
but you can't possibly think it's appropriate
for your ten-year-old son
to work in a burlesque house.
Oh, no? Well, if Homer Simpson
wants his ten-year-old son working in a burlesque house,
then Homer Simpson's ten-year-old son
is going to work in a burlesque house!
That...
(nervous laugh)
Hi.
Now, Marge, you're gonna hear a lot of crazy talk
about Bart working in a burlesque house...
"Maison Derriere"?
I can't believe there's a place
like that in our wholesome little town.
Homer, did you know it was a burlesque house
when you sent Bart to work there?
No. I only learned that four days ago.
What were you thinking sending Bart to such an awful place?
I was trying to punish him exactly like you would.
So, in a way
you really dropped the ball on this one.
This is your mess
and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up.
(grumbles)
Please come in, Mrs. Simpson.
How can I be of service?
I have a favor to ask.
Please shut this place down
and move away from Springfield.
Oh, honey, you can't be serious.
Springfield doesn't want places like this.
I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar.
Oh? I've lived in this town for 37 years.
I've lived here 52 years.
-I'm third generation. -Sixth.
Get out of my town!
Listen, darling, we're just as much a part of Springfield
as the church, the library or the crazy house,
so I think I'll stay right here... neighbor.
Is that so?
Well, sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes
will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial.
You're about to learn
the two most dangerous words
in the English language are "Marge Simpson."
It's the light pink '87 wagon.
And after visiting the area for, uh,
the past two months
I have determined it is not feasible to construct
a super-train between Springfield and Aruba.
(dejected groaning)
Next on the agenda is, uh...
The Citizens' Committee on Moral Hygiene.
(dejected groaning)
I'm here to share my moral outrage
but this time it's not about
that giant inflatable Dos Equis bottle.
It's about a certain house in our town.
What's wrong with this house? Is it the plumbing?
No. It's a house of ill fame, a house of loose ethics.
Is there a building code violation?
A drainage issue?
A surveying error?
The house is perfectly fine.
Well, then quit bad-mouthing the house.
Yeah. Leave the house alone.
Oh, geez, it's what's inside the house that's disgraceful--
Drinking, gambling and debauchery.
It's right under our noses-- A secret house
of burlesque.
(gasping)
-Oh, my. -MARGE: That's right.
KARL: That's not good.
People, this is an issue that we as a town
are strong enough to ignore.
Let us give no more scrutiny to this bawdy house
and its small clientele of loyal perverts.
Oh, I'm afraid this problem
goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty.
(quiet murmuring)
Marge, if you please.
Julius!
Clancy!
CHALMERS: Skinner?
-Seymour! -Mother...
SELMA: Patty?
WOMAN: Cletus!
Oh. Uh, Barney.
Clancy!
Hey, come on! You did me twice!
Smithers?
My parents insisted I give it a try, sir.
HELEN LOVEJOY: Mayor Quimby!
Uh, well, that could be any mayor.
I rest my case.
Er, uh, well... In light of these new facts,
of which I now realize I was largely aware,
I must take action.
All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house
raise your hands.
(Marge clears throat)
Are they talking about the bordello?
No, the burlesque house, so just keep your mouth shut.
(mob grumbling)
Oh, there's no justice like angry-mob justice.
I'm going to burn all the historic memorabilias.
I'm going to take me home a toilet.
Well, there'd better be two.
(doorbell rings)
BELLE: Who is it?
Uh, it's an angry mob, ma'am.
Could you step outside for a twinkle
while we knock down your house?
Just a minute.
Stand aside, you degenerate, two-bit proprietress.
Don't you call me that. I'm an entrepreneuse.
Oh, shut up. You're wasting valuable smashing time.
(yelling)
(glass shattering)
Dad, we can't let this happen to Belle.
Do something.
Don't you worry, son.
My friends!
Stop!
Please hurry.
Sure. We could tear this house down--
-(yelling) -Yeah! Oh, yeah!
No! My friends, stop!
Let me finish.
We could tear it down
but we'd be tearing down a part of ourselves.
♪ You could close down Moe's ♪
♪ Or the Kwik-E-Mart ♪
♪ And nobody would care ♪
♪ But the heart and soul of Springfield's in ♪
♪ Our Maison Derriere... ♪
♪♪ (jazz rhythm)
♪ We're the sauce on your steak ♪
♪ We're the cheese in your cake ♪
♪ We put the "Spring" in Springfield ♪
♪ We're the lace on the nightgown ♪
♪ The point after touchdown ♪
♪ Yes, we put the "Spring" in Springfield ♪
♪ We're that little extra spice ♪
♪ That makes existence extra nice ♪
♪ A giddy little thrill at a reasonable price ♪
♪ Our only major quarrel's ♪
♪ With your total lack of morals ♪
♪ Our skimpy costumes ain't so bad ♪
♪ They seem to entertain your dad ♪
♪ The gin in your martini ♪
♪ The clams on your linguine ♪
♪ Yes, we keep the... ♪
(boing)
♪ In Springfield ♪
♪ We remember our first visit ♪
♪ The service was exquisite ♪
♪ Why, Joseph I had no idea ♪
♪ Come on, now, you were working here ♪
♪ Without it we'd have had no fun ♪
♪ Since March of 1961 ♪
♪ To shut them down now would be twisted ♪
♪ We just heard this place existed... ♪
♪ We're the highlights in your hairdo ♪
♪ The extra arms on Vishnu ♪
♪ So don't take the... ♪
(boing)
♪ We won't take the... ♪
(penny whistle)
♪ Yes, let's keep the... ♪
♪ ...in Springfield ♪
(horn honking)
(belching)
Well, I'm convinced.
The house stays.
This house is a very, very, very fine house.
Here I come, everybody!
ALL: No! No!
Stop! Stop!
What are you doing, Marge?
Didn't you hear the song?
No. I had to go rent the bulldozer.
Well, we all changed our minds.
Yeah. Now we love the house.
What about the sleaze and the depravity?
It was a very convincing song, Marge.
Mm-hmm. There were kicks and everything.
Hmm... Can you sing it again?
I'm sorry.
It really was one of those spur-of-the-moment-type things.
Well, I also have a song to sing.
Don't make up your mind until you hear both songs.
(clearing throat)
(coughing)
♪ Morals and ethics ♪
♪ And carnal forbearance... ♪
(crashing)
(crowd gasping)
Uh... sorry.
Thanks a lot, Marge.
That was our only burlesque house.
I do love it when you drop by, Marge.
Next time, why don't we get together at your house.
I'm so sorry.
How can we ever make this up to you?
Oh, there's a way, Mom.
So, Twiggy, I hear you and your husband Woody
just had a baby.
What did you name him?
Chip.
(drum sting)
Take it off!
All right, Dad, you've been warned. Let's go.
Hey...
-Come on. -Easy.
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.