♪ The Simpsons ♪
-(chalk screeches) -(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
ANNOUNCER: It's the...
Hey, hey, it's great to be back at the Apollo Theater and...
K-K-K?
That's not good. (giggling nervously)
Oh...
Ow! Now I'd like to introduce a new feature
never before seen on TV.
Dumb pet tricks.
(laughs)
Oh, boy.
Here's a dog that's been trained
to catch this red rubber ball.
(screams)
Somebody shoot it! Somebody shoot it!
These specials get worse every year.
I'll see what else is on.
Hey, where's the remote?
Hello? Hello?
Stupid cordless phone!
I'll try the old-fashioned model.
Ah, that's better.
-How you doing, Gertie? -(sizzling)
And now our parody of "Mad About You"
entitled "Mad About Shoe."
Give me a kiss, baby.
No tongue.
(laughs)
(audience booing)
Oh, you're not going to like
our "NYPD Shoe" sketch.
It's pretty much the same thing.
Ma, could you get me some milk?
Can't you get it yourself?
Oh, that's okay.
I'll just go without liquid.
(hacking)
Oh, all right, all right.
-I'll get your milk. -Thank you.
Does anyone else want anything while I'm up?
ALL: No!
Marge, get me a beer.
-Oh... -Uh, Mom?
What?
Um, there's a hair in my soup.
But I'll just eat around it.
What kind of hair?
Well, it's blue.
Six feet long...
-Ew! -Ew!
It's my hair.
(gasps)
Excuse me.
Your mother seems really upset about something.
I'd better go have a talk with her...
during the commercial.
Now let's hear it for a great American.
Former president Gerald Ford.
Thank you, Krusty, for inviting me.
Well, all the good presidents turned us down.
Oh, well, I'd like to talk about a subject
that is very important to me.
The Boy Scouts of America have molded men
for over 100 years... What are you--
Uh... um... how's your wife, Nancy?
-Betty. -Who cares?
Oh, Marge...
I just had a couple of beers.
(gasps) Eww!
♪ Give me a head with hair ♪
♪ Long, beautiful hair ♪
♪ Shinin', gleamin', streamin', flaxen, waxen ♪
-♪ Give me down to there ♪ -♪ Hair ♪
-♪ Shoulder-length, longer ♪ -♪ Hair ♪
♪ Here, baby... there, Mama ♪
♪ Everywhere, Daddy, Daddy ♪
♪ Hair... ♪
(suggestively) Marge, I was just watching women's volleyball on ESPN.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Come on.
There's no need for that baba-ma-bushka.
All right, but don't be shocked.
Oh, there's no way I could-- (screams)
Homie, I'm losing my hair.
Now, sweetie, don't worry about a thing.
I'll teach you to comb it over so no one can tell.
Just like my hair.
(sobbing)
Mrs. Simpson, there's no physical reason
why your hair should be falling out.
This thing has me buffaloed.
(chuckles)
Phone call, Mrs. Simpson. Lines one and two.
BART: Ma, I need a glass of milk.
LISA: Me too.
(grumbling)
I think the problem may be stress.
I was just with Dr. Hibbert.
He said I was under a lot of stress
and should get some help.
Marge, whatever it takes to make you well, we'll do it.
Well, I was thinking we could hire a nanny to help me out.
-A nanny? -But how am I supposed to pay for that?
We'll find a way.
Mom has made so many sacrifices for us
it's time we gave up something for her.
I'll stop buying Malibu Stacie clothing.
And I'll take up smoking and give that up.
Good for you, son.
Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things
you'll ever have to do.
Have a dollar.
But he didn't do anything.
Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he?
Hey, wait a minute. He didn't!
Homie, please. I never ask for much,
but this is something I really need.
All right, Marge.
I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it,
I'll give up the civil war re-creation society I love so much.
Well, Homer's out. We got to find a new General Ambrose Burnside.
And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.
The South shall come again.
(doorbell ringing)
Hello. I'm Mrs. Pennyfeather.
I understand you're looking for a nanny.
-Pleased to meet you. -Wait a minute, Marge.
I saw "Mrs. Doubtfire."
This is a man in drag!
You're phony.
Fakey phoney broad! Gimme those!
Homer, if you're going to do this to every applicant,
we're never going to find one.
Sorry.
Hello. I'm Mrs. Periwinkle.
-(growling) -(screams)
I'm here about the nanny job.
I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids,
and if they get out of line... pow!
I like him.
Thanks. Where do you keep the liquor?
I hide a bottle of schnapps in the baby's crib.
I'm sorry, young man.
You're not what we're looking for.
You're telling me, you blue-haired witch.
I heard that!
I guess we're not going to find anyone.
We have our own suggestions for the new nanny.
Would you like to hear them?
You have my undivided attention.
(playing "Turkey in the Straw")
(humming)
Well, I'd like to hear your suggestions.
Maestro, if you please.
(clears throat)
♪ If you wish to be our sitter ♪
♪ Please be sweet and never bitter ♪
♪ Help us with math and book reports ♪
♪ Might I add-- Eat my shorts ♪
-Bart! -Just cuttin' through the treacle.
♪ If Maggie's fussy, don't avoid her ♪
♪ Let me get away with moider ♪
♪ Teach us songs and magic tricks ♪
♪ Might I add-- no fat chicks ♪
Homer!
♪ The nanny we want is kindly and sage ♪
♪ And one who will work for minimum wage ♪
♪ Hurry, nanny, things are grim ♪
I'll do it!
♪ Anyone but him ♪
Well, that's nice, kids,
but I don't know where
we're going to find anyone like that.
(coughing)
Whoo-whoo-whoo!
Hello. I'm Shary Bobbins.
Did you say Mary Pop--
No, I definitely did not.
I'm an original creation like Rickey Rouse
and Monald Muck.
Now, as your nanny,
I'll do everything from telling stories
to changing diapers.
Put me down for one of each.
Now, Miss Bobbins, if you want this job,
you're going to have to answer a few questions.
First, do you have any bad habits?
No. I'm practically perfect in every way.
Well, so am I.
(gulping loudly)
(belching) Ah!
(sighs) Okay. Question two.
Who was your last employer?
Lord and Lady Huffington of Sussex.
(whispers) Marge, do we know them?
-No. -Come on. Isn't he the guy I bowl with?
-The black guy? -That's Carl.
Oh, yeah! So you worked for Carl, eh?
I have a question. Pop quiz, hotshot.
I'm supposed to be doing my homework,
but you find me upstairs reading a Playdude.
What do you do? What do you do?
I make you read every article in that magazine,
including Norman Mailer's latest claptrap
about his waning libido.
Ooh. She is tough.
Shary Bobbins, you're just what we're looking for.
Very well. Come along, children.
(penny whistle blows)
My, she seems too good to be true.
I'll say. Her butt waxed the bannister.
Ooh! I can see myself.
All right, children.
Let's clean up this room.
-Oh, man! -Do we have to?
Now, now. I know a little secret
that will make the job go twice as fast.
(sprightly piano intro)
♪ If there's a task that must be done ♪
♪ Don't turn your tail and run ♪
♪ Don't pout, don't sob ♪
♪ Just do a half-assed job ♪
♪ If... you... ♪
♪ Cut every corner, it is really not so bad ♪
♪ Everybody does it, even Mom and Dad ♪
(straining)
♪ If nobody sees it, then nobody gets mad ♪
♪ It's the American way ♪
♪ The policeman on the beat ♪
♪ Needs some time to rest his feet ♪
♪ Fighting crime is not my cup of tea ♪
♪ And the clerk who runs the store ♪
♪ Can charge a little more ♪
-♪ For meat ♪ -♪ For meat ♪
-♪ And milk ♪ -♪ And milk ♪
-♪ From 1984 ♪ -♪ From 1984 ♪
♪ If... you... ♪
♪ Cut every corner, you'll have more time for play ♪
♪ It's the American way ♪
(pacifier squishing)
Hi-diddly-ho, Shary Bobbins.
Yo, Shary Bobbins.
I picked you some posies, Shary Bobbins.
Oh, thank you, Nelson.
Aw, jeez.
(oompah musical intro)
(heavy brogue) ♪ I'm a maniac ♪
♪ Maniac, that's for sure ♪
♪ And I'm dancing like I've never danced before ♪
Aye.
That's the stuff.
(feeble applause)
Yeah. Thank you, you ungrateful bast...
Shary Bobbins! Is that you?
-Hello, Willie. -You know her?
Aye. Shary Bobbins and I
were engaged to be wed back in the old country.
Then she got her eyesight back.
Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow
wasn't good enough for her.
It's good to see you, Willie.
That's not what you said the first time you saw me!
Extra! Extra!
Ripper strikes in White Chapel!
Boy for sale! Boy for sale!
Is this legal, man?
Only here and in Mississippi.
Oh, Shary Bobbins, this is ever so much fun.
With you, every day is Guy Fawkes day!
Bah, humbug.
Oh, Mr. Burns, I think you'll find
all life's problems just float away
when you're flying a kite.
Balderdash. This is the silliest load of...
Ooh! Look at it fly!
Whee! Look at me, Smithers!
I feel practically superduperfragicalicexpiala--
D'oh! Oh!
Ooh. What's this strange sensation in my chest?
I think your heart's beating again.
Ooh. That takes me back.
God bless you, Shary Bobbins.
That Shary Bobbins is a miracle worker!
The kids love her, the house is spotless,
and my hair's grown back!
It's so full and thick, it can support a beach umbrella.
Come to bed, Marge.
Oh! Ooh.
No, no. Leave it in.
(laughs)
He-he-he-he!
It's 8:00, children. Time for bed.
But we're not sleepy.
Sing us a song, Shary Bobbins.
Yes, sing us a song!
I've been singing you songs all day.
I'm not a bloody jukebox!
Oh, all right.
(slow piano intro)
♪ In front of a tavern ♪
♪ Flat on his face ♪
♪ A boozehound named Barney ♪
♪ Is pleading his case ♪
♪ Buy me a beer ♪
♪ Two bucks a glass ♪
♪ Come on, help me ♪
♪ I'm freezing my ass ♪
♪ Buy me brandy ♪
♪ A snifter of wine ♪
♪ Who am I kidding? ♪
♪ I'll drink turpentine ♪
♪ Move it, ya drunk ♪
♪ Or I'll blast your rear end ♪
♪ I found two bucks ♪
♪ Then come in, my friend ♪
SHARY: ♪ And so, let us leave ♪
♪ On this heartwarming scene ♪
♪ Can I be a boozehound? ♪
♪ Not till you're 15 ♪
-More kippers, mum? -Oh, thank you.
Ooh, I can't get enough of this blood pudding.
The secret ingredient is blood.
Blood?! Ugh!
I'll just stick to the brain and kidney pie, thank you.
I believe my work here is done.
Thank you for everything.
We'll miss you, Shary Bobbins.
You've changed me as well.
I'm no longer the money-driven workaholic I once was.
I love you all.
Oh! To think I'll never hear those sweet voices again.
(screaming) Aw, you... you...
-(gagging) -You little...
Oh.
(gasps)
Oh. I'll just unpack my things.
I think we got our umbrellas switched!
Whee! I never felt so alive!
(snoring)
Little more...
-Too much. Take it back. -(groans)
MAN (on TV): Welcome back to "Before They Were Famous."
We all know Rainier Wolfcastle
as the star of the blockbuster "McBain" movies
but here's his first appearance
in a commercial in his native Austria.
(to the Oscar Mayer tune): ♪ Mein Bratwurst has a first name ♪
♪ It's F-R-I-T-Z ♪
♪ Mein bratwurst has a second name ♪
♪ It's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N- P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N... ♪
Shary Bobbins! I want another beer.
-Well, you know, Homer... -(piano introduction)
♪ If there's a job that must be done ♪
♪ You'll find it's much more fun... ♪
You'll find it's even more fun if you get it for me.
♪ But the beer will taste more sweet ♪
♪ If you get up off your seat ♪
Lady, the man asked for a beer, not a song.
Do-re-mi-fa-so...
Now, let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint
replacing Andy Griffith in "The Andy Griffith Show."
Where's Otis? He's not in his cell.
-I shot him. -Well, that's-- What?
Now I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop...
to fix Emmett.
(The Andy Griffith Show theme playing)
Bart Simpson, this room is a frightful mess.
I'll get right on it.
Bart, don't you remember?
Cleaning up can be a game.
I got a better game.
It's called "whipping cupcakes."
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show! ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ And I'm wonderin' what it is I should do... ♪
♪ It's so hard to keep the smile from my face ♪
(Scratchy screaming)
(giggles)
What I'm trying to say in this cartoon
is that violence is everywhere in our society, you know.
It's, like, even in breakfast cereals, man.
(playing "Miserlou")
Lisa, don't sit in front of that telly like a fly stuck on a toffee.
It's a great big world out there.
-Been there, done it. -I know!
We could have a tea party on the ceiling.
Shh. TV.
Oh, you people will be the death of me.
(sobbing)
♪ Wasted away again in Margaritaville... ♪
♪ Searching for my lost shaker of salt... ♪
Oh, here it is.
Aw, that poor woman.
We've crushed her gentle spirit.
You people should be ashamed of yourselves.
Shary, you did the best you could
but you can't change this family
and neither can I.
From now on, I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the ride.
But haven't I taught you people anything?
-Nope. -No.
-So you like it this way? -Indubitably!
♪ Around the house ♪
♪ I never lift a finger ♪
♪ As a husband and father, I'm sub-par ♪
♪ I'd rather drink a beer ♪
♪ Than win father of the year ♪
♪ I'm happy with things the way they are ♪
♪ I'm getting used to never getting noticed ♪
♪ I'm stuck here till I can steal a car ♪
♪ The house is still a mess ♪
♪ And I'm going bald from stress ♪
♪ But we're happy just the way we are! ♪
♪ They're not perfect ♪
♪ But the Lord says "love thy neighbor" ♪
♪ Shut up, Flanders ♪
♪ Okely-dokely-do ♪
♪ Don't think it's sour grapes ♪
♪ But you're all a bunch of apes ♪
♪ And so I must be leaving you ♪
Good-bye, Shary Bobbins!
Thanks for everything.
So long, Superman.
Do you think we'll ever see her again?
I'm sure we will, honey.
I'm sure we will.
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.