♪ The Simpsons ♪
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
(goofy laugh)
I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids.
Now it's time for another fanshmabulous episode of...
-Itchy & Scratchy! -♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show! ♪
(screaming)
(laughing)
(sighs)
Uh-oh.
(screaming)
Kids?
You're missing "The Itchy & Scratchy show."
Don't you like it anymore?
Sure. We love it.
But how can we watch TV when it's so beautiful out?
Well, yeah, Mom.
I mean, we love you and Dad, too,
but God knows, we don't need to see you every day.
An occasional hug is all I ask.
Mmm...
Mom! You can hug me when I'm asleep.
-I do. -(screams)
(Krusty groaning)
Hey, Krusty, you look great.
You get your teeth bleached?
Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment...
Hey, shut up!
You're here 'cause your Itchy & Scratchy cartoons
are stinking up my ratings.
Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show.
Uh... Uh...
Eeyah... Kaboom.
What happened here?
Lightning hit the transmitter?
See, that's what I thought at first...
Hey, shut up!
That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed!
It's ratings poison!
But Itchy & Scratchy is critically acclaimed.
Acclaimed?
(spits)
I ought to replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon
where the robots turn into... Blingwads!
But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger.
So I'll give you one more chance.
Now, get out!
Don't come back till you've fixed Itchy & Scratchy.
(crashing glass)
WOMAN: Okay, Mel, you can go in now.
Krusty, I've come to solicit donations
for the rock 'n roll museum,
and I'll come back later.
I need to purchase a brassiere.
You kids wait over here in the credit department.
Oh, can't we just wander around
and meet you back here later?
Mmm... Okay, just be careful.
Would you kids like to come with me?
-Okay, I guess so. -Sounds good to me. Let's go.
All right, thanks for participating in our focus group, kids.
Today, we're going to show you some
Itchy & Scratchy cartoons.
(all cheering)
Cool!
We want you to tell us what you think
and be honest because
no one from the show is here spying on you.
(muffled sneeze)
Why is that mirror sneezing?
Uh, look, it's just an old, creaky mirror.
Sometimes it sounds a little like it's
sneezing or coughing or talking softly.
Hmm...
Now you each have a knob in front of you.
When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right.
When you don't like what you see, turn it left.
My knob tastes funny.
Please refrain from tasting the knob.
♪♪
(cries out)
(laughter)
Hey, quit it!
(laughter)
They like Itchy. They like Scratchy.
One kid seems to love the Speedo man.
What more do they want?
Okay, how many of you kids would like Itchy & Scratchy
to deal with real-life problems
like the ones you face every day?
-I would! -Great idea! Yeah, that's it!
And who would like to see them do just the opposite,
getting into far-out situations
involving robots and magic powers?
-Oh, cool! -Me!
-Cool! -Yeah, that's I want!
So, you want a realistic, down-to-earth show...
that's completely off the wall
and swarming with magic robots.
-That's right. -Yeah, good.
And also, you should win things by watching.
(sighs)
You kids don't know what you want!
That's why you're still kids-- 'cause you're stupid!
Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!
(crying)
-Mommy! -(buzzer sounds)
Um, excuse me, sir.
The thing is, there's not really anything wrong
with "The Itchy and Scratchy Show."
It's as good as ever.
But after so many years,
the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.
That's it.
That's it, little girl!
You've saved "Itchy & Scratchy"!
Please sign these papers
indicating you did not save "Itchy & Scratchy."
I have figured out
how to rejuvenate the show.
It is so simple
you egghead writers would've never thought of it.
What we need is...
a new character!
One that today's kids can relate to!
Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir?
I don't want to sound pretentious here, but...
Itchy & Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad.
Hey, this ain't art; it's business!
What do you got in mind?
Sexy broad? Gangster octopus?
No... No.
The animal chain of command goes
mouse, cat, dog.
D-O-G.
Uh, a dog? Isn't that a tad predictable?
In your dreams.
We're talking the original dog from hell.
You mean Cerberus?
We at the network want a dog with attitude.
He's edgy. He's in your face.
You've heard the expression "Let's get busy"?
Well, this is a dog who gets biz-zay...
consistently and thoroughly.
So, he's proactive, huh?
Oh, God, yes.
We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"--
Aren't these just buzzwords
that dumb people use to sound important?
Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.
I'm fired, aren't I?
Oh, yes.
The rest of you writers
start thinking up a name for this funky dog.
I don't know, something along the lines of, say... "Poochie"
only more proactive.
Yeah!
-(door slams) -So, "Poochie" okay with everybody?
-Yeah. -Yeah. You know, it's good.
No, no, no.
He was supposed to have attitude.
Um, wh-what do you mean, exactly?
Oh, you know, attitude, attitude!
Uh... Sunglasses!
Can we put him in more of a hip-hop context?
Forget context. He's got to be a surfer.
Give me a nice shmear of surfer.
I feel we should rasta-fy him by 10% or so.
Mm.
I think he needs a little more attitude.
-Oh, yeah, bingo. -Yeah!
-There it is, right there. That's it. -I love it.
Hey, Lis, look,
they're adding a new character to "Itchy & Scratchy"!
Poochie the Dog?
Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt
to boost low ratings.
Yo, yo! How's it hanging, everybody?
Morning, Roy.
Yeah, hi, Roy.
Hey! They're having open casting
for the voice of Poochie.
You should try out, Dad.
-You have a funny voice. -I do not!
Haven't you ever listened to yourself on a tape recorder?
I prefer to listen to Cheap Trick.
Well, here, say something.
Hey... This is Homer Simpson saying
howdy to all the girls out there in radio-land.
(tape rewinding)
Hey, this is Homer Simpson saying...
Ah! I don't sound like that, do I?
Oh... I don't like having such a hilarious voice.
That hilarious voice could be your ticket to stardom.
Whoa, a talking dog!
(chuckles)
What were you guys smoking when you came up with that?
We were eating rotisserie chicken.
Can you just read the line, please?
"Ruff, ruff!
I am Poochie, the Rockin' Dog!"
You're perfect!
In fact, you're better than perfect!
Next to you, perfection is crap.
"Ruff, ruff! I'm Poochie, the Rockin' Dog!"
Hi. I'm Troy McClure.
You may remember me from such cartoons
as "Christmas Ape"
And "Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp."
You're even better than this guy!
Take a hike, you bum.
(grumbles)
(clears throat) "Ruff, ruff!
I'm Poochie, the Rockin' Dog!"
Now, that's just bad. You got no attitude, you're barely outrageous
and I don't know what you're in, but it's not my face.
Next.
Oh, no attitude, eh? Not in your face, huh?
Well, you can cram it with walnuts, ugly!
That's it, that's the Poochie attitude!
Do that again.
Huh? I can't. I don't remember what I did.
Then you don't get the job. Next!
Oh, I don't get the job, do I?
Well, boo-hoo...
I don't get to be a cartoon dog.
That's it! You've got the job!
Oh, now I got the job, huh?
Oh. Thank you.
Okay, Homer,
let's get a level check on your voice.
She smells sheet smells by the sheet store.
Wait, wait. Let me try it again.
Relax, Homer. You'll do fine.
I'm June Bellamy.
I do the voices of Itchy and Scratchy.
You? But you're a lady.
(as Itchy) She's a lady, all right.
(as Scratchy) A beautiful lady.
(laughing)
Hey, that really is you.
How'd you get to be so good?
Oh, just experience, I suppose.
I started out as Roadrunner.
-(as Roadrunner): Meep! -You mean meep-meep?
No, they only paid me to say it once
then they doubled it up on the soundtrack.
Cheap bastards.
-You folks ready to begin? -Uh, I guess.
Is this episode going on the air live?
No, Homer.
Very few cartoons are broadcast live.
It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.
Hi, question for Miss Bellamy.
In episode 2f09
when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone
he strikes the same rib twice in succession
yet he produces two clearly different tones.
I mean, what are we to believe that this is some sort of...
(derisive snort)
Magic xylophone or something?
Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Uh, well, uh...
I'll field this one.
Let me ask you a question.
Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at work"
spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
I withdraw my question.
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Simpson.
On the "Itchy & Scratchy" CD-ROM
is there a way to get out of the dungeon
without using the wizard key?
What the hell are you talking about?
You're a lifesaver, Homer.
I can't deal with these hardcore fans.
(clears throat) Your attention, please!
MAN: Uh, in episode--
Eh, your attention, please!
Mr. Simpson will now be autographing
8-by-10 glossies of Poochie.
One per customer.
Please form a line. There will be no cutting.
I'm talking to you, Mr. Cutter.
Pardon me. Look out.
Pardon me. Excuse me. Hot soup.
Hi. Kindly make one out to me
and three out to my friend of the same name.
MARGE: I'm so glad you could join us
for Homer's big premiere.
BARNEY: Poochie's based on me.
Is this seat taken, little girl?
I'm not a girl. Are you blind?
Yes.
I am stoked, Mr. S.
Shh. Everybody, it's coming on.
Once in a great while we are privileged
to experience a television event so extraordinary
it becomes part of our shared heritage.
1969:
Man walks on the moon.
1971:
Man walks on the moon, again.
Then for a long time nothing happened...
Until tonight.
Behold the future of comedy:
Poochie!
(all cheering)
♪ They fight and bite ♪
♪ And bark ♪
♪ They fight and bite and bite and bark ♪
♪ Fight, bite, bark woof, woof, woof ♪
♪ The Itchy & Scratchy ♪
♪ And Poochie show ♪
Look, Scratchy.
It's our new friend, Poochie.
What's that name again?
I forgot.
♪ The name's Poochie D ♪
♪ And I rock the telly ♪
♪ I'm half Joe Camel and a third Fonzarelli ♪
♪ I'm the kung fu hippie from Gangsta City ♪
♪ I'm a rappin' surfer ♪
♪ You the fool I pity ♪
Ooh, Poochie is one outrageous dude.
He's totally in my face.
Wiggity-wiggity word up. Rock on, party.
When are they going to get
to the fireworks factory?
(sobbing)
Could somebody tell me what the hell is going on?
Midge, help me out here.
Quiet. You're missing the jokes.
♪♪
Catch you on the flip side, dudemeisters.
Not!
Hey, kids, always recycle...
to the extreme!
Bust it!
Ah, that stunk.
Well, what did everybody think?
(murmuring)
(clearing throats)
Homer, I can honestly say
that was the best episode of "Impy and Chimpy"
I've ever seen.
Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer.
You, uh... You got a beautiful home here.
So, it was pretty okay, huh?
Mom, can we go to bed without dinner?
Yes, we can.
(doors slam)
Well, at least I liked it.
Didn't I?
HOMER'S BRAIN: Oh, you don't want to know what I really think.
Now, look sad and say "D'oh."
D'oh.
I'm the worst Poochie ever.
No, it's not your fault, Dad.
You did fine.
It's just that Poochie was a soulless
by-product of committee thinking.
You can't be cool just by spouting
a bunch of worn-out buzzwords.
Don't have a cow, Lis.
Bart's right.
Let's none of us have a cow.
All that matters
is that the fans of the show liked it.
Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was,
without a doubt, the worst episode ever.
Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes
registering my disgust throughout the world.
Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
What?
They're giving you thousands of hours of entertainment for free.
What could they possibly owe you?
I mean, if anything, you owe them.
Worst episode ever.
It looks like the beginning of the end
for the venerable "Itchy & Scratchy" program.
For years, TV critics such as yours truly, Kent Brockman,
have waited impatiently for cracks to appear
in the show's hilarious facade.
Yesterday our prayers were finally answered
when Poochie the Dog made his howlingly unfunny debut.
Far be it for me to gloat at another's downfall,
but I have a feeling
no children are going to be crying
when this puppy is put to sleep.
(laughing)
(bawling)
What the hell happened?
Well, I'd attribute the product failure
to fundamental shifts in our key demographic
coupled with the overall crumminess of Poochie.
Whoa! You got to stop this thing!
(bawling)
Please! I'm getting egged on the street!
Do something! Do something!
(sobbing)
(knocking)
Uh, hi, Mr. Myers.
I've been doing some thinking
and I've got some ideas to improve the show.
I got it right here.
Uh, one: Poochie needs to be louder, angrier,
and have access to a time machine.
Two: Whenever Poochie's not on screen,
all the other characters should be asking,
"Where's Poochie?"
-Three... -Great, great.
Just leave them right there on the floor
on your way out.
WRITER: Thanks, Homer, great.
Hmm...
(muffled voices)
Listen, guys we got to do something about Poochie.
KRUSTY: There's only one thing we can do.
Then they said they were going to kill Poochie off!
Really? Oh, how terrible.
Yes. Terrible.
It's not your fault, Homer.
It's those lousy writers.
They make me madder than a, um...
Yak in heat!
You're right, Marge. It's not my fault.
I'm not gonna let them treat Poochie like dirt anymore
just because he's the new guy.
Right on, Mr. S.!
Put a sock in it, Roy.
Okay, so here's where Itchy lunges at Poochie
with a rusty chain saw.
Cue sound effects.
(chain saw buzzing)
Rustier!
(shrill buzzing)
Are you prepared to die, Poochie?
No, I am not.
Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut!
Just stick to the script as written, Homer.
You're supposed to say, "Please, cut off my head.
I don't deserve to live."
Never!
(murmuring)
You can't just kill off a classic TV character.
Poochie could be bigger than curly fries
but first he has to win back the audience.
That's why I'm going to read these lines I wrote myself
with my own two hands.
Forget it, Homer!
We can do this show without you if we have to.
But not without me.
Aw, jeez.
Let him try the new lines.
All right. All right.
We'll try it. Action.
Hi, Poochie!
You look like you've got something to say.
Do you?
Yes, I certainly do.
Hello there, Itchy.
I know there's a lot of people
who don't like me and wish I would go away,
but I think we got off on the wrong foot.
I know I can come off a little proactive
and for that, I'm sorry.
But if everyone could find a place in their hearts
for the little dog nobody wanted
I know we can make them laugh
and cry... until we grow old together.
And... cut.
Now kids, I know you loved the old Poochie,
but the new one's going to be better
than ten Super Bowls!
I don't want to oversell it. Judge for yourself.
(buzzing)
Well, look who's here!
Hi, Poochie!
You look like you've got something to say.
Do you?
Yes, I certainly do.
MR. MYERS VOICE: I have to go now.
My planet needs me.
BART: Wow! Poochie came from another planet?
Uh, I guess.
Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen!
Those finks double-crossed me!
Poochie's dead!
(goofy laugh)
(cheering)
Now kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die,
they're back again the very next week.
That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit
the Poochie will never, ever, ever return!
This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes.
(kids cheer)
Oh, yeah.
Tough break, Dad.
I guess people just weren't ready for Poochie.
Maybe in a few years.
Good news, everybody.
I'm moving into my own apartment with two sexy ladies.
Oh, then I guess this is good-bye, Roy.
Maybe we'll see you in a few years.
-(kisses) -(clicks tongue)
Well, I guess I learned my lesson.
The thing is,
I lost creative control of the project.
And I forgot to ask for any money.
Well, live and learn.
♪♪
(sighs)
(screams)
(Bart and Lisa laughing)
It's back to the basics. Classic "Itchy & Scratchy."
We should thank our lucky stars
they're still putting on a program of this caliber
after so many years.
What else is on?
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.