1 00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:06,423 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:07,465 (tires screech) 3 00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:10,760 D'oh! 4 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,846 -Aah! -(tires screech) 5 00:00:14,222 --> 00:00:16,808 (music repeats) 6 00:00:33,074 --> 00:00:35,035 {\an8}-Here we go! -Come on, come on! 7 00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:37,078 {\an8}All right, everybody got their ticket? 8 00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:40,999 {\an8}Then get ready for today's super-Barto jackpot drawing. 9 00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:46,546 Come on, cantaloupe. 10 00:00:46,629 --> 00:00:49,174 And 'round and 'round she... 11 00:00:49,257 --> 00:00:50,133 Uh-oh. 12 00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:54,095 (buzzing) 13 00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:55,805 (screaming) 14 00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:00,268 (screaming) 15 00:01:00,351 --> 00:01:02,395 No refunds. Force majeure. 16 00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:03,438 Read the back of your ticket. 17 00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:08,193 (groaning) Oh... $900? 18 00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:11,571 {\an8}Well, we'll have to dip into the retirement fund again. 19 00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:16,659 {\an8}(grunting) 20 00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:23,083 (clattering) 21 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:24,167 Aw, nuts. 22 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,252 Hello? 23 00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:27,378 China? 24 00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:28,880 A little help? 25 00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:31,674 {\an8}Well, I never thought it would come to this, 26 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,134 {\an8}but I guess we'll have to sell 27 00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:34,761 Grandma's Civil War doll. 28 00:01:34,844 --> 00:01:36,554 {\an8}Mom, are you sure you want to sell 29 00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:39,265 {\an8}a family heirloom to pay the gas bill? 30 00:01:39,349 --> 00:01:40,975 {\an8}I mean, what would your grandma say? 31 00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:42,352 {\an8}I'm sure she'd be proud 32 00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:44,771 {\an8}that her descendants had piping hot tap water 33 00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:46,815 {\an8}and plenty of warm, dry underwear. 34 00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:49,150 {\an8}That is so true. 35 00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:58,451 {\an8}Hmm, these campaign buttons are all partisan. 36 00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,411 {\an8}Don't you have any neutral ones? 37 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:01,830 {\an8}"May the better man win"? 38 00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:03,331 {\an8}"Let's have a good, clean election"? 39 00:02:03,414 --> 00:02:04,833 {\an8}That sort of thing? 40 00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:07,168 {\an8}No, but we do have some old shirt buttons. 41 00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:08,753 {\an8}They're kind of kooky and fun. 42 00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:09,879 {\an8}Missy, you just talked yourself 43 00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,714 {\an8}right out of a sale. 44 00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:16,928 Hey, Lise, check it out, pogo stilts. 45 00:02:17,011 --> 00:02:19,806 These were banned in all 50 states. 46 00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:23,935 HOMER: Ow! Ohh! What happened? 47 00:02:24,018 --> 00:02:26,563 Wow, an actual robot from the movie 48 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:27,897 "Clank, Clank, You're Dead." 49 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:30,859 Think of how awful it would be 50 00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:32,735 for the poor midget inside. 51 00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:33,903 Oh, boo-hoo. 52 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,530 That's what they get paid for. 53 00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:40,785 (gasps) 54 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,704 Oh, Homer, look! 55 00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:45,123 {\an8}A TV guide owned by Jackie O! 56 00:02:45,206 --> 00:02:47,125 Oh, you should see the crossword puzzle. 57 00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:49,794 She thought that Mindy lived with "Mark." 58 00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:51,796 Give her a break. Her husband was killed. 59 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,840 Oh, I know. Wasn't that awful? 60 00:02:53,923 --> 00:02:55,550 Hi, I'm John. Can I help you with anything? 61 00:02:55,633 --> 00:02:58,428 Yes, I have something that I'd like to sell. 62 00:02:58,511 --> 00:02:59,846 Please tell me it's your hair. 63 00:02:59,929 --> 00:03:00,847 (giggling) 64 00:03:00,930 --> 00:03:02,974 No. It's an heirloom 65 00:03:03,057 --> 00:03:04,434 my grandmother passed down to me, 66 00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:07,437 a very rare old figurine from the Civil War. 67 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,105 Please don't construe our ownership of this 68 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,982 as an endorsement of slavery. 69 00:03:11,065 --> 00:03:12,692 Hmm. 70 00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:14,444 Well, see, here's the thing on this. 71 00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:17,405 It's a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1970s. 72 00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:19,532 One of the J&R Whiskey "Liquor Lads." 73 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,784 Two books of green stamps, if I'm not mistaken. 74 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,161 Oh, no. 75 00:03:23,244 --> 00:03:25,496 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 76 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:28,249 It's a very, very old figurine. 77 00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:30,335 No, it's a liquor bottle. 78 00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:32,420 See? 79 00:03:36,257 --> 00:03:38,051 Ah, that will make your bull run. 80 00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:40,094 (murmuring sadly) 81 00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:42,096 Well, I guess it'll always be a monument 82 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,307 to Grandma's secret drinking problem. 83 00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:47,185 Okay, so maybe that thing's a hunk of junk, 84 00:03:47,268 --> 00:03:48,895 but look at what you're selling. 85 00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:51,731 50 bucks for a toy? No kid is worth that. 86 00:03:51,814 --> 00:03:55,568 Oh, but this is the Rex Mars Atomic Discombobulator. 87 00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:58,029 Don't you just love the graphics on this box? 88 00:03:58,112 --> 00:03:59,989 No. 89 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,659 How you can you love a box or a toy or graphics? 90 00:04:02,742 --> 00:04:03,701 You're a grown man. 91 00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:04,994 It's camp. 92 00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:10,333 The tragically ludicrous? The ludicrously tragic? 93 00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:13,169 Oh, yeah. Like when a clown dies. 94 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,629 Well, sort of... 95 00:04:14,712 --> 00:04:17,048 But I mean more like inflatable furniture 96 00:04:17,131 --> 00:04:18,967 or "Last Supper" TV trays, 97 00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:20,593 or even this bowling shirt. 98 00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:22,804 Can you believe somebody gave this to Goodwill? 99 00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:24,681 (murmuring sheepishly) 100 00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:26,140 And that kind of stuff is worth money? 101 00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:27,558 Boy, howdy. 102 00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:29,644 Man, you should come over to our place. 103 00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:32,063 It's full of valuable, worthless crap. 104 00:04:32,146 --> 00:04:33,856 Well, if you're inviting me over... 105 00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,276 I practically insist. Shall we say 5:00? 106 00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:37,527 The snacking hour? 107 00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:40,655 My heart is palpitating. Woo-hoo! 108 00:04:42,198 --> 00:04:44,325 Pimento nose and voila. 109 00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:47,578 Mommy's patented happy-cracker snack platter. 110 00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,706 (doorbell rings) 111 00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:55,253 (doorbell rings) 112 00:04:55,336 --> 00:04:57,255 Ding-dong. Classic. 113 00:04:57,338 --> 00:04:59,007 I mean, that says it all, doesn't it? 114 00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:02,343 Oh, man, you weren't kidding about this place. 115 00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:03,553 Well, I just love it. 116 00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:04,971 Do I know you? 117 00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:08,391 Oh, the color scheme and the rabbit ears. 118 00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:09,684 And the 2.3 children. 119 00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:11,644 I mean, where's the Hi-C? 120 00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:12,895 Hi-C and fluffernutters. 121 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,397 Oh! 122 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,316 And pearls on a little girl. 123 00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,318 It's a fairy tale. 124 00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,361 Oh. 125 00:05:20,445 --> 00:05:22,196 Oh, I've got the exact same curtains, 126 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:23,740 only in my bathroom. 127 00:05:23,823 --> 00:05:25,742 Didn't you just die when you found these? 128 00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,327 Not really. 129 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:30,997 They just had corn on them. Kitchen? Corn? 130 00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:33,291 Oh! 131 00:05:33,374 --> 00:05:35,626 (giggles) 132 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:36,794 (chuckles) 133 00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:38,963 Oww! Why you little-- 134 00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:43,134 Aaah! Dad! Dad! Company! Company! 135 00:05:43,217 --> 00:05:45,011 Oh. I'll just be another minute, John. 136 00:05:45,094 --> 00:05:46,095 Have a seat. 137 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,263 (choking) 138 00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:57,565 So do those records have camp value? 139 00:05:57,648 --> 00:05:59,359 Everything here does. 140 00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:01,361 You yourself are worth a bundle, Homer. 141 00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:03,071 Why, I could wrap a bow around you 142 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:04,864 and slap on a price tag. 143 00:06:04,947 --> 00:06:06,366 ♪ I love the night life I love to boogie ♪ 144 00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:09,077 Come on, Homer, join the party. 145 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:10,828 ♪ On the disco... ♪ 146 00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:12,663 Mom, John loves Itchy and Scratchy 147 00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:15,166 as much as we do-- Maybe more. 148 00:06:15,249 --> 00:06:17,210 Yeah, and he collects toy robots. 149 00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:19,253 He is quite a charmer. 150 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:21,631 Your father's certainly taken a shine to him. 151 00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:25,218 Oh, Homer, you are the living end. 152 00:06:25,301 --> 00:06:27,011 (both laughing) 153 00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,346 Oh! 154 00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:30,640 That John is the greatest guy in the world. 155 00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,225 We've got to have him and his wife over 156 00:06:32,308 --> 00:06:33,684 for drinks sometime. 157 00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:36,354 Mmm, I don't think he's married, Homer. 158 00:06:36,437 --> 00:06:39,440 Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? 159 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:42,485 Well, there's lots of foxy ladies out there. 160 00:06:42,568 --> 00:06:45,321 Homer, didn't John seem a little... 161 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,198 festive to you? 162 00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,283 Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam. 163 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,661 He prefers the company of men. 164 00:06:51,744 --> 00:06:53,121 Who doesn't? 165 00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:55,665 Homer, listen carefully-- 166 00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:58,292 John is a ho-mo-- 167 00:06:58,376 --> 00:06:59,377 Right. 168 00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:01,087 ...sexual. 169 00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:02,338 (screams) 170 00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:07,218 Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, 171 00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:09,387 Oh, my God! I danced with a gay. 172 00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:11,472 Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone. 173 00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:13,099 Promise me! 174 00:07:13,182 --> 00:07:14,892 You're being ridiculous. 175 00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:16,477 Am I, Marge? Am I? 176 00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:17,812 Think of the property values. 177 00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:19,147 Now we can never say 178 00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,315 only straight people have been in this house. 179 00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:23,317 I'm very sorry you feel that way, 180 00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:25,945 because John invited us all out for a drive today, 181 00:07:26,028 --> 00:07:27,196 and we're going. 182 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,240 Whoa-ho-ho. Not me. 183 00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:32,076 And not because John's gay, but because he's a sneak. 184 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,495 He should have the good taste to mince around 185 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,956 and let everyone know that he's that way. 186 00:07:37,039 --> 00:07:39,250 What on earth are you talking about? 187 00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:40,793 You know me, Marge. 188 00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:42,795 I like my beer cold, my TV loud, 189 00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:46,466 and my homosexuals fa-laming. 190 00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:49,677 (horn honking "Over the Rainbow") 191 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,765 Zzzapp! 192 00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:55,766 (gasps) 193 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,437 Homer, at least come out and say hello. 194 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:00,813 -No. Nuh-uh. No. -Oh, come on. 195 00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:03,524 -Oh, no. -You liked John this morning. 196 00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:05,902 No! I am not setting foot outside this house 197 00:08:05,985 --> 00:08:07,653 until that man is gone. 198 00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:09,572 Oh! Dad, you are the living end. 199 00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:18,748 Hey, where'd that cool, creepy Santa come from? 200 00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:20,541 Japan. Except over there, they call him 201 00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:23,044 "Annual Gift-man" and he lives on the moon. 202 00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:30,551 JOHN: And that's where Kent Brockman 203 00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:32,178 was caught cheating in the Springfield marathon. 204 00:08:32,261 --> 00:08:33,596 -Whoa. -Ooh. Oh. 205 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:35,556 And there's where Lupe Velez 206 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,391 bought the toilet she drowned in. 207 00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:40,311 ALL: Oh! Oh! 208 00:08:40,394 --> 00:08:42,813 BART: That was a killer tour, man. 209 00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:44,440 I never realized how many celebrities 210 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:47,318 humiliated themselves right in our own backyard. 211 00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:49,237 This is a sordid little burg, isn't it? 212 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:52,448 Makes me sick in a wonderful, wonderful way. 213 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:55,117 -John. -Oh... Waylon. 214 00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:56,786 I'd like you to meet the Simpsons. 215 00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:58,371 I know the Simpsons. 216 00:08:58,454 --> 00:09:00,706 So this is your sick mother? 217 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:03,000 Don't do this to me, Waylon. 218 00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:08,464 (laughing) 219 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:09,757 How'd it go? 220 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,259 Tell me everything that happened. 221 00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:13,135 He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he? 222 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:15,179 Oh, jeez, Louise! 223 00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:16,973 You don't even know what you're worried about anymore. 224 00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:19,600 John's a witty, urbane person. 225 00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:21,269 Oh, and I'm not. 226 00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:22,895 Hey, Dad, look what I got. 227 00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:27,358 Zzzapp. Zzzapp. Zzzapp... Zzzapp... 228 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,742 Bart! Where'd you get that shirt? 229 00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,619 I don't know. Came out of the closet. 230 00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:41,247 Uh... huh. 231 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,208 I hope you all saved room, 232 00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:46,085 because I made your favorite dessert. 233 00:09:46,168 --> 00:09:49,088 Store-bought snack cakes-- Both kinds. 234 00:09:49,171 --> 00:09:52,675 Hmm, hmm. 235 00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:54,635 Hmm... 236 00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:55,886 (gasps) 237 00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:57,763 (Homer mumbling) 238 00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:03,477 Homie, I can hear you chewing on your pillow. 239 00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:04,895 What's wrong? 240 00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:08,441 Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt. 241 00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:10,192 So? 242 00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:12,069 There's only two kinds of guys who wear those shirts: 243 00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:13,946 gay guys and big, fat party animals. 244 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:17,783 And Bart doesn't look like a big, fat party animal to me. 245 00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:20,953 So if you wore a Hawaiian shirt it wouldn't be gay? 246 00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:22,913 Right. Thank you. 247 00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:25,541 I hope you realize this is all your fault. 248 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,628 I mean, do you have to be so effeminate around the boy? 249 00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:31,130 Homer, I don't think there's a problem with Bart 250 00:10:31,213 --> 00:10:33,215 but if there is, it's probably because 251 00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,259 you're not spending any time with him. 252 00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:36,636 Good night. 253 00:10:40,556 --> 00:10:44,602 ("It's In His Kiss" playing) 254 00:10:44,685 --> 00:10:46,771 All right, boy, come on. Today we're going to-- 255 00:10:46,854 --> 00:10:48,856 -(screams) -♪ Or is it in his face? ♪ 256 00:10:48,939 --> 00:10:51,233 ♪ Oh, no, it's just his charm ♪ 257 00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,943 Gonna what, Homer? 258 00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:53,986 ♪ Oh, no that's... ♪ 259 00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:55,488 (record scratches) 260 00:10:55,571 --> 00:10:58,240 And Helen Lovejoy, sure, she looks blonde, 261 00:10:58,324 --> 00:10:59,867 but I've heard cuffs and collar don't match, 262 00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:01,118 if you get my drift. 263 00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:03,579 I don't, but I loved hearing it. 264 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,289 You! 265 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:06,540 I should have known. 266 00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:07,917 Well, good morning, sunshine. 267 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,211 Homer, John brought us cactus candy. 268 00:11:10,294 --> 00:11:13,047 Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all. 269 00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:15,049 Just stay the hell away from my family. 270 00:11:15,132 --> 00:11:17,635 Well, now you don't get any candy. 271 00:11:17,718 --> 00:11:20,805 -No, that's cruel. Take a teensy piece. -No. 272 00:11:20,888 --> 00:11:23,599 Homer, what have you got against gays? 273 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:26,602 You know. It's... It's not... usual. 274 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,562 If there was a law, it would be against it. 275 00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:31,232 Oh, Homer, please-- You're embarrassing yourself. 276 00:11:31,315 --> 00:11:33,150 No, I'm not, Marge! 277 00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:36,195 They're embarrassing me. They're embarrassing America. 278 00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:38,572 They turned the navy into a floating joke. 279 00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:42,410 They ruined all our best names, like Bruce and Lance and Julian. 280 00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:44,412 Those were the toughest names we had. 281 00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:47,164 Now they're just... uh... 282 00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,625 -Queer? -Yeah, and that's another thing. 283 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,794 I resent you people using that word. 284 00:11:51,877 --> 00:11:54,630 That's our word for making fun of you. 285 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,674 We need it. 286 00:11:56,757 --> 00:12:00,761 Well, I'm taking back our word, and I'm taking back my son. 287 00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:02,555 Don't worry, boy. 288 00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:03,556 We're going to set you straight. 289 00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:05,182 By tomorrow morning, 290 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:07,017 you'll be a regular Burt Reynolds. 291 00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:09,353 What are you talking about, Homer? Where are we going? 292 00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:11,647 Just a couple of good, old-fashioned manly places... 293 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,691 Father and son. 294 00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:15,401 HOMER'S BRAIN: You're leaving the arm there too long. 295 00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:17,611 You want to make it worse? 296 00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:19,655 No! No! He'll know you're onto him. 297 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:20,906 Quick, shake his hand. 298 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,700 Just remember, son, 299 00:12:22,783 --> 00:12:26,036 whatever happens I'll always love you. 300 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,079 As? As? 301 00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:28,998 As a father. A father. 302 00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:30,166 Regular father. 303 00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:31,250 Whew. 304 00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:38,257 What am I supposed to do here? 305 00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:40,009 Nothing. Just sit. I'll be back. 306 00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:51,562 Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel? 307 00:12:51,645 --> 00:12:54,190 I don't know. I kind of want a cigarette. 308 00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:56,484 That's a good start. Let's get you a pack. 309 00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:57,651 What's your brand? 310 00:12:57,735 --> 00:12:59,695 Anything slim. 311 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,363 Okay, that didn't work. 312 00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,532 But I know something that will. 313 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:06,744 (machinery clanking) 314 00:13:06,827 --> 00:13:08,662 Bart, I want you to shake hands with-- 315 00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:10,122 What's your name, fellow? 316 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:12,792 -Roscoe. -Roscoe, here, runs this mill. 317 00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:14,126 He's going to show us around 318 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:15,753 and let you get a first-hand look 319 00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:18,964 at real, all-American Joes doing what they do best. 320 00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,424 Why the hell would I want to see that? 321 00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:22,384 You'll thank me on your wedding night. 322 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,434 Hey! Listen up! 323 00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:33,270 I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons. 324 00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:35,773 TOGETHER: ♪ Hell-o-o ♪ 325 00:13:35,856 --> 00:13:37,066 (gasps) 326 00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:39,360 Has the whole world gone insane? 327 00:13:39,443 --> 00:13:41,821 (lisping) Stand still. There's a spark in your hair. 328 00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:43,239 Get it, get it! 329 00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:44,990 (whimpering) 330 00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:47,701 Hot stuff coming through. 331 00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:50,371 Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill? 332 00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:52,122 I don't know. 333 00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:53,791 This is a nightmare! 334 00:13:53,874 --> 00:13:55,793 You're all sick! 335 00:13:55,876 --> 00:13:57,711 Oh, be nice. 336 00:13:57,795 --> 00:14:00,422 Oh... My son doesn't stand a chance. 337 00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:01,757 The whole world's gone gay! 338 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,133 (factory whistle) 339 00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:05,344 Oh, my God, what's happening now? 340 00:14:05,427 --> 00:14:07,721 We work hard, we play hard. 341 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:09,849 (dance music playing) 342 00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:12,142 ♪ Everybody dance now ♪ 343 00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:17,189 (moaning) 344 00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:20,276 ♪ Everybody dance now! ♪ 345 00:14:23,612 --> 00:14:27,032 And the entire steel mill was gay. 346 00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:28,534 Where you been, Homer? 347 00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:30,578 Entire steel industry's gay. 348 00:14:30,661 --> 00:14:33,163 Aerospace, too, and the railroads. 349 00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:35,624 And you know what else? Broadway. 350 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,835 I always thought Bart would grow up 351 00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:39,503 to be just like us. 352 00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:40,629 What happened? 353 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,590 Oh, it ain't no mystery. 354 00:14:42,673 --> 00:14:46,385 Whole modern world's got a swishifying effect on kids today, 355 00:14:46,468 --> 00:14:48,470 and their MTVs and their diet sodas 356 00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:50,431 ain't going to set them straight neither. 357 00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:53,392 You got to do it yourself, Homer and you gotta do it fast. 358 00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:55,603 What would turn Bart into a man fast? 359 00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:56,770 You have to think for me. 360 00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:58,522 Well, let's see now... 361 00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:00,733 Time was, you'd send a boy off to war. 362 00:15:00,816 --> 00:15:02,401 Shooting a man would fix him right up, 363 00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:04,111 but there's not even any wars no more 364 00:15:04,194 --> 00:15:06,530 thank you very much, Warren Christopher. 365 00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:09,491 Better yet, Bart could shoot a deer. 366 00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,702 That's like shooting a beautiful man. 367 00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:12,828 Hey, he's right, Homer. 368 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,747 After the boy bags a deer, 369 00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:16,999 all the diet sodas in the world won't turn him back. 370 00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:18,542 Then you just sit back 371 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:20,502 and watch the grandkids roll in. 372 00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,296 Hunting, eh? 373 00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,469 (laughter) 374 00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:32,306 (growling) 375 00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:34,600 Stand aside, Marge. 376 00:15:34,683 --> 00:15:36,477 I'm taking the boy deer hunting. 377 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,729 He's going to grow up straight for once. 378 00:15:38,812 --> 00:15:40,606 What? You never went hunting before, 379 00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,608 and you're perfectly straight. 380 00:15:42,691 --> 00:15:44,944 Oh, yeah? How long since you've had a baby? 381 00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:46,904 But, Dad, it's barbaric. 382 00:15:46,987 --> 00:15:49,239 How does killing a deer make you more of a man? 383 00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:51,158 It just does. Name me one gay Indian. 384 00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:53,118 Uh-oh. Something's going to die. 385 00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:54,411 Butt out, buttinsky. 386 00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:56,330 What would you know about hunting? 387 00:15:56,413 --> 00:15:58,040 I know this much. I wouldn't wear that hideous hat. 388 00:15:58,123 --> 00:15:59,500 Here. Take this one. 389 00:15:59,583 --> 00:16:01,543 It was worn by Yale Summers in "Daktari." 390 00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:03,545 Hang on to it, toy-boy you might need it 391 00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:06,090 when it starts raining naked ladies. 392 00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:12,471 Today you're going to be a man, Bart. 393 00:16:12,554 --> 00:16:14,390 You guys going to teach me to drive? 394 00:16:14,473 --> 00:16:17,434 Oh, yeah. Let a twinkle-toes drive Betsy. Right. 395 00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:18,435 (nervous laughing) 396 00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:19,687 No, boy. 397 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:21,563 You can't drive. You're only ten. 398 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,732 You're going hunting. 399 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,068 You ever been hunting before, there, Barty? 400 00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:27,736 Nope. Something about a bunch of guys 401 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,280 alone together in the woods... 402 00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:31,323 Seems kind of gay. 403 00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:35,869 That is a very immature attitude, young man. 404 00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:40,874 Remember, guys, the truck only holds six carcasses, 405 00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:43,043 so don't shoot nothing but trophy bucks, huh? 406 00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:56,640 Aw, we should have just stayed at the bar 407 00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,600 and shot some rats. 408 00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:01,103 Hey, those ain't your rats, Barn. 409 00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:02,938 Well, Homie, you ready to call it quits? 410 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,898 Oh, but... Wait a minute. 411 00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:07,151 Bart's not fixed yet. He hasn't even... 412 00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:09,069 Homer... 413 00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:10,571 Ohh... 414 00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:17,870 Come on, don't take it so hard, Homer. 415 00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:19,455 You still got that other kid-- 416 00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,540 Uh... Lisa. 417 00:17:21,623 --> 00:17:23,042 Let's, uh, take her out hunting tomorrow, 418 00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:24,668 make her into a man. 419 00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:25,919 Aw, she'd never go. 420 00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:27,838 She's a vegetarian. 421 00:17:27,921 --> 00:17:31,925 Oh, jeez! Homer, jeez! 422 00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:34,053 You and Marge ain't cousins, are you? 423 00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:37,473 No. This whole thing is my fault. 424 00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:39,850 I've been a lousy Dad. 425 00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:43,771 (gasps) 426 00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:45,105 Cheer up, Homer. 427 00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:46,523 Christmas is coming early this year. 428 00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:58,577 JOHN: Did he say where were they going? 429 00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:00,871 No. They were just going to find a deer 430 00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:02,581 and make Bart shoot it. 431 00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:04,625 Deer? Ha! Not around here. 432 00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:06,126 They all migrated north 433 00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:08,128 when the state park converted to astroturf. 434 00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,671 But if there's no deer out there 435 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:11,381 then what are they hunting? 436 00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:14,051 The only thing around here that's even close to deer is... 437 00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:24,728 Hey, boy, wake up. 438 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:26,605 Your old man found some deer. 439 00:18:26,688 --> 00:18:28,524 Huh? You did? 440 00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:33,487 Wait, man, those are reindeer. 441 00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:36,615 -(gun cocks) -Yeah. And it's your shot, son. 442 00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:39,535 What? I'm not going to shoot a reindeer in a pen. 443 00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:41,703 Come on, Bart. 444 00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,705 Be a sport and kill Blitzen, okay? 445 00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:45,124 Dad! 446 00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:48,085 Aw, criminy, here come the waterworks. 447 00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:49,711 Bart, I'm going to turn my back, 448 00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,421 and when I turn around, I want to see 449 00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:54,133 a whole pile of dead reindeer! 450 00:18:57,302 --> 00:18:58,220 (loud bang) 451 00:18:58,303 --> 00:18:59,972 That a way, son! 452 00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:02,141 You made your old man proud. 453 00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:03,475 I didn't do anything. 454 00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:04,601 (bang) 455 00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:06,145 Hey, they're going nuts 456 00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:08,105 like in those nature films! 457 00:19:08,188 --> 00:19:09,606 Ah, must be mating season. 458 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,611 (all screaming) 459 00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:20,701 Dad, I'm scared. 460 00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:21,952 Me, too, son. 461 00:19:25,622 --> 00:19:26,748 No, don't. 462 00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:28,208 You have to protect yourself! 463 00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:31,545 Son, there comes a time in every father's life 464 00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:32,546 when he must... 465 00:19:32,629 --> 00:19:34,339 (grunting) 466 00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:37,759 Dad, are you hurt? 467 00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:41,388 Just my bones and organs. 468 00:19:41,471 --> 00:19:44,516 -(snorts) -(grunting) 469 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,643 D'oh! 470 00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:51,190 ("Jingle bells" playing) 471 00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:53,692 MECHANICAL VOICE: Ho, ho, ho! 472 00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:55,652 Ho, ho, ho! 473 00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:57,738 What the-- 474 00:19:57,821 --> 00:19:59,406 Ho, ho, ho! 475 00:19:59,489 --> 00:20:02,743 Bart, look! It's Santa Claus! 476 00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:08,165 Whoa! It's Santa, all right, 477 00:20:08,248 --> 00:20:09,791 and he is kicking ass! 478 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:13,629 MECHANICAL VOICE: Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! 479 00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:15,797 It's a miracle! 480 00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:17,424 JOHN: No-- Ultrasuede is a miracle. 481 00:20:17,507 --> 00:20:18,550 This is just good timing. 482 00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:21,803 (groaning) 483 00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:24,890 Oh, Homie, I'm so glad you're safe. 484 00:20:24,973 --> 00:20:27,851 Hmm, you feel softer than before. 485 00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:29,561 I've been tenderized. 486 00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:31,021 How'd you know that thing would work? 487 00:20:31,104 --> 00:20:33,106 Well, the sound is just brutal, 488 00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:34,900 and I figured reindeer would naturally be afraid 489 00:20:34,983 --> 00:20:37,152 of their cruel master, Santa Claus. 490 00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,488 I mean, wouldn't you be? Ha! 491 00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:43,659 Is it okay to come out now, Mr. Gay Man, sir? 492 00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:46,662 I'll do anything you say. Anything. 493 00:20:48,455 --> 00:20:51,917 Aw, Moe, we were saved by a sissy. 494 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,211 Yeah, yeah. We'll never live it down. 495 00:20:54,294 --> 00:20:57,631 Oh, boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me. 496 00:20:57,714 --> 00:20:59,383 Hey! We owe this guy, 497 00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:02,511 and I don't want you calling him a sissy. 498 00:21:02,594 --> 00:21:04,930 This guy's a fruit, 499 00:21:05,013 --> 00:21:07,474 and a... No, wait, wait, wait. 500 00:21:07,557 --> 00:21:09,101 Queer, queer, queer. 501 00:21:09,184 --> 00:21:10,686 That's what you like to be called, right? 502 00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:12,562 Well, that or John. 503 00:21:12,646 --> 00:21:14,231 This is about as tolerant as Dad gets, 504 00:21:14,314 --> 00:21:15,607 so you should be flattered. 505 00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:16,817 Great! 506 00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:18,735 Well, Homer, I won your respect 507 00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:20,946 and all I had to do was save your life. 508 00:21:21,029 --> 00:21:23,532 Now, if every gay man could just do the same, 509 00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:24,783 you'd be set. 510 00:21:24,866 --> 00:21:26,034 Amen to that. 511 00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:31,581 You know, Bart, 512 00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:33,792 maybe it's just the concussion talking, 513 00:21:33,875 --> 00:21:36,336 but any way you choose to live your life 514 00:21:36,420 --> 00:21:38,088 is okay with me. 515 00:21:38,171 --> 00:21:39,506 Huh? 516 00:21:39,589 --> 00:21:41,466 (whispering) He thinks you're gay. 517 00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:43,135 He thinks I'm gay? 518 00:21:43,218 --> 00:21:45,345 ♪♪ 519 00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:47,681 ♪ Everybody dance now ♪ 520 00:22:03,572 --> 00:22:06,241 {\an8}♪ Here is the dome back with the bass ♪ 521 00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:08,660 {\an8}♪ The jam is live in effect and I don't waste time ♪ 522 00:22:08,744 --> 00:22:10,662 {\an8}♪ On the mike with a dope rhyme ♪ 523 00:22:10,746 --> 00:22:12,998 {\an8}♪ Jump to the rhythm, jump, Jump to the rhythm, jump ♪ 524 00:22:13,081 --> 00:22:15,000 {\an8}♪ And I'm here to combine beats and lyrics ♪ 525 00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:17,377 {\an8}♪ To make you shake your pants, take a chance ♪ 526 00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:19,504 {\an8}♪ Come on and dance, guys, grab a girl ♪ 527 00:22:19,588 --> 00:22:21,423 {\an8}♪ Don't wait, make her twirl ♪ 528 00:22:21,506 --> 00:22:23,175 {\an8}♪ It's your world and I'm just a squirrel ♪ 529 00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:25,218 {\an8}♪ Trying to get a nut to move your butt ♪ 530 00:22:25,302 --> 00:22:27,387 {\an8}♪ To the dance floor so yo, what's up? ♪ 531 00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:29,431 {\an8}♪ Hands in the air, come on, say yeah ♪ 532 00:22:29,514 --> 00:22:31,433 {\an8}♪ Everybody over here, everybody over there ♪ 533 00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:34,102 {\an8}♪ The crowd is live and I pursue this groove ♪ 534 00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:36,063 {\an8}♪ Party people in the house, move! ♪ 535 00:22:40,567 --> 00:22:42,069 Shh! 536 00:22:44,613 --> 00:22:47,866 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.