♪ The Simpsons ♪
(tires screech)
D'oh!
Aah!
(tires screech)
D'oh!
♪ They fight and bite ♪
♪ They fight and fight and bite ♪
♪ Bite-bite-bite, fight-fight-fight ♪
♪ The Itchy & Scratchy Show! ♪
(Bart laughs)
Shh...
MAN: Cinq...
quartre...
trois...
deux...
(giggling)
MAN: Un... maintenant!
(explosion)
Turn it down!
We don't want to wake up Mom and Dad.
Shh!
(muffled laughter)
(laughing loudly)
(snoring)
(clearing throat) Oh, my goodness!
Kids! Homer! We're late for church!
I'm glad I dressed last night.
Oh, I'd love to go with you, honey,
but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.
Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
In that case,
he should've made the week an hour longer.
-Lousy God. -(groaning)
...and the very same goes for Ezekiel.
Which brings us back to our starting point:
The nine tenets of constancy.
Damn it!
(clears throat)
Well, I seem to have lost my place...
so I'll start over.
MAN: Aw, for the love of crumb cake...
Our sermon today is on constancy.
In as much as the...
moreover, by dint of our application
of these principles, we can learn...
...the auspices of constancy
sweet constancy.
(all snoring)
(bird shrieking)
Hey... wha...?
-Yay! -Oh, man!
Am I glad to get out of there!
Hey, calm down--
you're wrinkling your church clothes.
Who cares? This is the best part of the week.
It's the longest possible time before more church!
Church shouldn't be a chore.
It should help you in your daily life.
It should, but it doesn't.
Now, who's going with Daddy to the dump?
-BOTH: Me! -The dump?
We're going to get rid of the Christmas tree.
It's starting to turn brown.
-Want to come with? -No, no,
I don't feel like going to a trash pile today.
It's your life.
We'll bring you back something nice.
(humming)
Can you believe it?
They give you five Q's and only two U's.
What a world.
It's crazy.
So, what's on your mind, Marge?
Sermons about constancy and prudissitude
are all very well and good,
but the church could be doing so much more
to reach out to people.
Oh, I don't see you volunteering to make things better.
Well...
Okay, I will volunteer.
I wasn't prepared for that.
(grunting)
Come on, Christmas tree...
(grunting)
(coughing)
Okay, who's up for some scrounging?
Hey! Here's a perfectly good basketball half!
I found a Malibu Stacy with no head.
(screeching)
(screaming)
(laughing)
(screaming)
Oh, my God! Help me, Lisa!
BART: Lisa, Dad-- come here quick!
There is something that you won't believe!
What the heck is that?
BART: Maybe it's a box from the future.
LISA: It looks Japanese.
Wha-- What's going on?
Why-- Why am I on a Japanese box?
(high-pitched whimpering)
Oh, my God... what is that?
MARGE: All done! I swept the aisles,
and put all the collection plates in the dishwasher.
Oh, and you wouldn't believe
how many dead pigeons there were in the organ.
Marge, you are a real time-saver.
Do you know, thanks to you
I've rediscovered a form of shame
that's gone unused for 700 years?
Wow...
(phone rings)
Lovejoy here.
Reverend, this is Principal Skinner.
I'm facing a crisis,
and I didn't know to whom to turn.
All right.
Mother's gone too far.
She's put cardboard over her half of the television.
We rented "Man Without A Face."
I didn't even know he had a problem!
What should I do?
Well, maybe you should read your Bible.
Um, any particular passage?
Oh, it's all good.
All right. Thanks anyway.
Reverend, I hate to say this, but it sounded
like that poor man was reaching out to you.
I'm not sure your advice was all that helpful.
(chuckling) Oh, Marge.
I was once idealistic like you.
It was the mid '70s,
and I was fresh out of seminary.
The '60s were long over
and people were once again ready
to feel bad about themselves.
♪ Jesus is just all right with me ♪
LOVEJOY: I came to Springfield
ready to roll up my sleeves and help my fellow man.
There was just one fellow man I hadn't counted on.
Reverend, I'm--
I'm afraid something terrible has happened.
Well, sit down and rap with me, brother.
That's what I'm here for.
Well, I was talked into doing a dance called "The Bump,"
but my hip slipped, and my-- my buttocks came into contact
with the buttocks of another young man!
I... see.
Then, the calls began.
FLANDERS: Well, I-I think I may be coveting my own wife.
I'm meek, but... I could probably stand to be meeker.
I-I-I think I swallowed a toothpick!
LOVEJOY: Finally, I just stopped caring.
Luckily, by then, it was the '80s
and no one noticed.
But you can't let a few bad experiences
sour you on helping people.
-Oh, sure I can. -(phone rings)
Ugh! You handle it.
Me? No, I-- I-- Wait! I can't--
Hello?
Uh, yeah, hi. I'm calling for Reverend Lovejoy.
Who is this?
Oh, well, this is, um...
the, uh... the listen lady.
Yeah? Well, listen, lady, I've got so many problems
I-I don't even know where to begin here.
Okay...
uh, why don't you start from the top?
All righty.
Uh, number one: I've lost the will to live.
Oh, that's ridiculous, Moe.
You've got lots to live for.
Really? That's not what
Reverend Lovejoy's been telling me.
Wow! You're good. Thanks.
(ringing)
Hi. It's me again. I got another problem.
Uh, this one's about my cat.
(meowing)
Yeah! Shut up!! I'm asking her.
Why would you volunteer at the church?
I don't know. Guilt?
(scoffs) Volunteering is for suckers.
Do you know that so-called "volunteers"
don't even get paid?
Well, I think volunteering is great.
Deep down, it makes you feel...
Homer, will get that crazy box off the dinner table?
It came from the dump.
But, Marge, I'm obsessed with it.
Where did it come from? What is it a box of?
How did my face get on it?
Hey, if they got a picture of you,
that means they can see you.
They're probably watching us right now.
That's ridiculous.
Nobody is watching us right now.
Hai! Hai! Hai! Bye.
Hai!
Akira, can you read this for me?
Ah, yes. This is a product called "Mr. Sparkle."
Very popular dish detergent.
Hey... he looks like you.
(laughs)
What's he saying?
He identifies himself as "a magnet for foodstuffs."
He boasts that he will "banish dirt
to the land of wind and ghosts."
Wow!
Yes. You have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson.
This soap is from the sacred forest of Hokkaido,
renowned for its countless soap factories.
Hokkaido, eh?
See, all along, I been telling Carl
I'm married to a beauty queen.
Now, he's coming over for dinner.
Lenny, I'm sure he'll like your wife
no matter what she looks like.
Oh, no, no. No. It's worse than that.
I don't even have a wife.
I just said I did to, you know, be a big-shot.
Oh. Well, it's time to start telling the truth.
Now, when I have to tell my husband the truth,
I cook him a big, delicious dinner.
By the time he's done eating
he's too full and tired to care what I have to say.
Wow, that's great!
When Carl comes over, I'll stuff him
till he don't know what's what.
Seymour, I'm getting tired.
Tell them we're going next.
Well, I'm not principal of the line, Mother.
And you never will be.
I'd like the phone book for Hokkaido, Japan, please.
Okay. Here you go.
The phone book for Hokkaido, Japan.
Thank you. May I please use your phone?
Is it a local call?
Y... yes.
(touch tones)
(phone ringing)
Mooshi-mooshi?
Yes. This is Homer Simpson from America.
Who may I say is speaking to me?
(speaking Japanese)
Hello, chief? Let's talk, why not?
Uh, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle?
Oh, you like Mr. Sparkle?
Well, I am Mr. Sparkle.
Oh, you have many question, Mr. Sparkle.
I send you premium answer question hundred percent.
The Lord will hear your lamentations
and give solace to your spirit.
The Lord or Marge Simpson!
LENNY: Amen to that.
(all exclaiming)
Um... could we please not yell out things
in the church?
(bell ringing)
(overlapping dialog)
Wait a minute, please. One at a time.
One at a time!
Now, who has the most urgent problem?
I have a recurring dream in which I'm falling.
Come right this way, Mel, I--
Tim, hold my calls.
Mm...
I'm a shepherd without a flock.
What have I done to lose them?
The real question is
"what have you done to keep them?"
(gasps)
St. Eleutherius of Nicomedia.
That's my name, don't wear it out.
To inspire men, you must be brave.
I introduced Christianity to Mongolia.
It didn't take, but it was worth a try.
Tell us, good reverend,
what great deeds have you done
to inspire the hearts of men?
Well, I had the vestibule re-carpeted.
I've appeared in over 8,000 visions
and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard.
Oh, now, please, I--
I thought saints were supposed to be friendly.
Oh, you're just lucky God isn't here.
(phone ringing)
Hello. Listen Lady.
Marge, people say you've got a real knack
for solving problems.
Well... this is a little awkward
but, um, Tim came home from church
so despondent today,
he's just been playing with his trains all afternoon.
We all need a little time to ourselves, Helen.
Just give him a day or two
and I'm sure he'll be back to his old dynamic self.
Okay.
Attention, H-O scale passengers:
The dining car is closed.
Root beer is still available,
but the cost is now $6.50.
If the passengers will look to the right
you will see a sad man.
That is all.
Look, we got a package
from the Mr. Sparkle company in Japan.
Ooh!
Ow!
It's a videotape.
Put it in! Put it in!
Oh, hello, American investor.
I see you are interested in distributing Mr. Sparkle
in your home prefecture.
You have chosen wisely,
but please, don't believe me.
Observe this commercial.
(whistle blows)
Aka ni taishite burei da!
Yogore o yaburu!
Honki da yo.
(xylophone plays)
Doke, mina doke!
Burabura shitero tokoro ja nai!
Ore to issho ni nasu ka shinu ki ka?
ALL: Isamashii honin rogo desu ne!
Mister Sparkle no charenji ni ojimasu!
Awesome power!
(drumming)
(giggling)
Natsu yasumi no keikaku wa do desho?
Mister Sparkle!
Un no yoi besto washu!
Boring!
That didn't explain anything.
All I know is they stole my face
and used it for their stupid logo.
There's no other explanation.
Wait, look.
ANNOUNCER: Mr. Sparkle,
a joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks,
and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern.
Hey, it was all a coincidence.
Yep. There's your answer, fish bulb.
Well, it was a good ride while it lasted.
Come on, kids, let's go home.
We are home.
That was fast.
You've just got to accept it. Your Gameboy is gone.
It's at the bottom of the ocean.
Aye, aye.
Aye.
(phone rings)
Hello. Listen Lady.
Uh... I'm in some hot soup here, Marge.
Some teenagers are hanging out in front of the store.
I-I think they could start slacking at any moment.
Well, Ned, you don't have to stand for that.
You just march right up to those youngsters
and tell them to vamoose.
Yeah, well...
if you're sure that will help...
Hey, let's go over to the one-hour photo
and breathe some fumes.
Uh, excuse me, fellas.
I couldn't help thinking it might be nice
if you could, uh, vamoose, you know?
(nervous chuckle) If possible.
(phone ringing)
Hello. Listen Lady.
Uh... Marge I-I appreciate your advice
but, uh, things have gotten-- (chuckles)
Well, they-they're, uh, a lot worse.
(ominous laughter)
Now, Ned, troubled boys need rules and discipline.
They crave it!
You just lay down the law.
Well, yeah, I know, but they--
They're on their mini-bikes and all.
Oh, all right, let me talk to them.
Put me on with the lead boy.
Boys, there's a call here for you.
(dial tone)
Hmm. Oh, well.
(water gurgles)
(doorbell rings)
Oh, good morning, Maude.
Morning, Marge.
Um, did your husband come home last night?
Of course he did.
Really? Oh...
because the thing is, um...
mine didn't.
(gasps) Oh, my God, Ned!
(gasping)
Yes, Marge?
Reverend, I gave Ned Flanders some bad advice.
Now he could be in real trouble.
(groaning) What happened now?
Did he swallow a paper clip?
No. He's disappeared.
Oh, I'm in way over my head.
I mean, where do the helpers turn
when they need help?
♪♪ (organ)
Sorry.
(phone rings)
Marge, why don't you let me handle this?
(ringing)
Hello? Church basement.
(panting) Yeah, it's Ned Flanders.
The teens have been chasing me all night.
They-They finally stopped to gas up their scooters.
Ned! Where are you?!
Well, I can't see the name of the station
but the gas costs 1.49 and 8/10.
Eight tenths?
Donny's Discount Gas!
(tires screeching)
Thanks for swinging by the house, Reverend.
-Donny? -What?
Did you see a man being chased
by some young hooligans?
I see lots of stuff.
Did you see that?
Yes.
Huh. Looks like we lost him.
Yeah. Well, we proved our point.
He'll think twice
next time he tries to defend his business.
(yawning) I'm sleepy.
Let's go to school.
(sighs) They're leaving.
The ordeal is over.
(screeching)
(screaming)
Ned!
-Mr. Flanders! -Mr. Flanders!
Flanders, where are you?!
(all yelling)
Hey, Flanders, it's me!
Heh Mr. Sparkaru! Mr. Sparkaru!
Konnichi-wa.
(Flanders screaming)
(gasping)
(gasps) That came from Baboon County, USA!
Help! What do I do?!
Play dead!
No! Run around in circles!
No! Act like a lion!
Swipe at the dominant male!
Come on, Ned! Knock that monkey down!
Jumpin' kangaroo rats!
You've got to get him out of there.
Geez, I'd like to,
but if they don't kill the intruder
it's really bad for their society.
-They're going to kill him? -Eventually.
First, they'll eat his skin.
-(gasping) -Eww.
Tell Maude I want a fancy funeral!
Big coffin! Lots of jewels!
(whistle blows)
Look! It's Reverend Lovejoy!
Thank heavens!
Entrust your hand to mine, Ned.
(groaning)
(howling and screeching)
Oh! Oh--
Thank the Lord.
He's truly watching over--
-(screaming) -(screeching)
Say your prayers, you heathen baboons!
(grunting)
Wow.
Oh! Those poor monkeys.
They started it.
(gasping)
You saved me, Reverend.
You really went above and beyond.
Thank you.
Oh, don't thank me. Thank Marge Simpson.
She taught me that there's more to being a minister
than not caring about people.
(chuckling)
Amen!
(baboons screeching)
...baboons to the left of me, baboons to the right,
the speeding locomotive tore through
a sea of inhuman fangs.
A pair of the great apes rose up at me, but biff-bam!
I sent them flying like two hairy footballs.
A third came screaming at me--
(imitating baboon hissing)
And that's when I got mad.
Now that's religion!
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.