(theme music playing)
CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(tires screeching)
D'oh! (screams)
-(Globetrotters theme) -(whistle)
What? Uh-oh. Here comes the evening rush.
Clear out, fellas.
(mice squeaking)
(whistle blowing)
(all talking at once)
What a day.
Serious drinking.
-Evening, Moe. -(toilet flushing)
Morning, Moe.
Yeah, all right, listen up, guys.
The Springfield police have told me
that 91% of all traffic accidents
are caused by you six guys.
-All right! -All right.
I knew we could do it!
Yeah, I know, I know.
But the bad news is we got to start having designated drivers.
(all grumbling)
Are you kidding me?
We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope.
Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg.
Whoever gets the black egg
stays sober tonight.
Whew.
No!
You got the black one.
(laughing and shouting)
(men shouting)
Hey, everybody I'm Peter Pantsless!
(laughing)
I can't take this much longer.
I got to have a beer.
(drum machine playing)
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Oh, no.
Oh, no. Not tonight.
Not tonight!
Are you ready to get duffed?
(cheering)
Hey, it's Duffman--
The guy in the costume that creates awareness of Duff.
Duffman wants to party down
with the man who sent in 10,000 Duff labels
to bring me here today.
I've got a bottomless mug of new Duff extra cold for...
Barney Gumbel!
ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug!
I can't.
I'm the designated driver.
(music stops)
Yeah, that's swell.
Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program.
Now, who wants to party?
(crowd cheering)
♪ Hey, yada, yada, yada, macarena ♪
♪ Hey, macarena! ♪
Please, I'm trying to drive.
Hey, let's go to the girls' college.
No, the Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion!
Shut up!
It's my car, and I say we're going
to the Lost City of Gold.
Oh, that's just drunk talk--
Sweet, beautiful drunk talk.
Good night, Barney.
Don't forget to bring back my car back tomorrow.
Just slide it under the door.
Yes. (clicks tongue)
Tomorrow.
(tires squealing)
Face it, Homer. The car is gone.
-HOMER: Ohh! -Barney ain't never coming back.
MAN: Here we are, Mr. Gumbel.
Uh?
Thanks for the lift.
Barney, where's my car?
Well, all I remember about the last two months
Is giving a guest lecture at Villanova--
Or maybe it was a street corner.
So you lost my car, eh?
Well, that's just great.
I ought to punch you in the nose
but I have to pick up my kids at school.
-(wheels squeaking) -(Homer grumbling)
Homer, I don't want you driving around
in a car you built yourself.
Marge, you can stand there finding fault
or you can knit me some seat belts.
Sorry, sorry.
Dad, you got a letter from the City of New York.
(scoffs) Throw it away.
Nothing good has ever come out of New York City.
"Dear motorist, your vehicle is illegally parked
in a borough of Manhattan."
My vehicle.
"If you do not remedy this malparkage within 72 hours,
your car will be thrown
into the East River at your expense."
Oh!
I don't want to go to New York City.
-Why not? -New York is a hellhole
and you know how I feel about hellholes.
Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.
Yeah, that's what people do in Russia.
(groans)
It's time I told you about a chapter of my life
I'd hoped would be closed forever.
I was on my way to the Harrisburg coat outlet
to buy an irregular coat
but it required a stopover in New York City.
(piano playing "The Entertainer")
All I had to do was walk a few blocks
from the Port Authority Bus Terminal
to my train at Penn Station.
(speaking inaudibly)
Anyhow, I must have looked at somebody the wrong way
because the next thing I knew
I was running for my life.
And that's when the C.H.U.D.s came at me.
Oh, Homer,
of course, you'll have a bad impression of New York
if you only focus on the pimps and the C.H.U.D.s.
Oh, I'd love to see New York.
We could all go
with the bus company's special supersitter fare.
Nine bucks? This one's on me.
Great. We're all going to New York.
(mumbling) Lousy Bart and his money...
All right, New York, I'm coming back.
But you're not getting this.
Dad, our baby pictures were in there.
Don't you start.
MARGE: Wake up, everyone. We're almost there.
(yawns)
(yawning)
That took too long.
How come we had to transfer in Atlanta twice?
I just think we should have paid the extra $1.50
and gotten a bus with restrooms.
(yawns)
Hey. Marge, I can't feel my legs.
I can't feel my legs!
Homer!
Homer, those legs belong to the man behind you.
(chuckles) Hi.
(gasps)
We're here!
Wow.
I feel like such a nobody.
It's wall-to-wall landmarks--
The Williamsburg Bridge,
Fourth Avenue,
Governor's Island.
Look. It's ZZ Top.
You guys rock!
Eh. Maybe a little.
Now remember, criminals prey on small-town folk like us.
So if anyone asks,
we're sophisticated millionaires from the Ozarks.
Homer, you're scaring the children.
Good. I don't want to spend one extra second
in this urban death maze.
You wait here at the bus station while I get the car.
The bus station is just one of the sights we came to see.
We'll meet you in Central Park at 5:00.
Oh, all right, but not a minute later,
'cause once the sun goes down, all the weirdos turn crazy.
I'm on to you!
"Your vehicle is illegally parked at...
One World Trade Plaza."
Hmm. Whoo.
Aah!
Aaaah!
Oh!
MARGE: Wow.
Governor's Island looks so insignificant from up here.
Hey, immigrants! Beat it!
Country's full!
OK, folks, you heard the lady.
Back into the hold.
We'll try Canada.
(disappointed moans)
(speaking native language)
Stupid city.
What the hell is this thing?
(groaning)
C-come off!
Come... off.
All right, you.
(angry muttering)
Ow.
MAN (shouting): Hey! When you're done with that,
I got something up here you can bite on!
Hey! Why don't you be polite you stinking pus bag!
Pal, you got to call that number right on the boot!
Sorry about that guy.
They stick all the jerks in Tower One!
That's it! I'm coming over there!
Yeah, why don't you come over here!
(both arguing)
Shut up, the both of yous!
WOMAN: Thank you for calling the Parking Violations Bureau.
To plead not guilty, press one, now.
Thank you. Your plea has been...
MAN: Rejected.
WOMAN: You will be assessed the full fine plus a small...
MAN: Large lateness penalty.
WOMAN: Please wait by your vehicle
between 9:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m.
-for parking officer Steve... -MAN: Grabowski.
(dial tone)
They expect me to sit here from 9:00 to 5:00?
That's... How many hours?
Ten, 11... Denominator.
Oh! Where's Lisa when you need her?
Here's a better idea.
You give me your address, and I'll write to you.
Uh, OK.
Just send it to... Jesus, care of the Pentagon.
I'm so glad we took the subway.
"Laser wart removal"?
Wow. The future is here.
Hey, where's Bart?
(coins rattling)
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm sorry to disturb your pleasant ride.
but unlike yourselves, I was born without taste buds.
Let me demonstrate.
(groaning)
Ew. I'm in over my head here.
Thank you for your time.
Ah...
Come on. Pick up the pace.
Hey, I'm not a bum.
Thanks, but I don't need...
OK, if you insist, but...
Spare change, lady?
Lousy cheapskate.
So hungry.
Can't leave car.
Getting closer.
Closer.
Almost...
there.
(snapping)
Ow!
MAN: Fresh Khlav Kalash!
Get your Khlav Kalash!
Hey, could you go across the street
and get me a slice of pizza?
No pizza, only Khlav Kalash.
Oh, shoot.
All right, all right. Give me one bowl.
No bowl. Stick. Stick.
Aaah! Geez!
That's just awful.
Mmm.
Now, what do you have
to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Mountain dew or crab juice.
Blech! Ew! Geez!
I'll take a crab juice.
(belches)
Uh-oh.
Uh... You got a men's room in there?
Only Khlav Kalash.
Men's room in tower.
Tower. Observation deck.
(whimpering)
But I can't leave my car until the parking guy gets here.
Oh, why did I drink all that crab juice?
Mmm.
(whistling)
Don't even think about it, pal.
Are we still in Little Italy?
Actually, I think we're in Chinatown now.
Only in New York.
Mom, are those rabbits dead?
No. No, Lisa.
They're just... Sleeping...
Upside down and inside out.
Bart.
No fireworks. Put that back.
You're the boss.
Oh, no!
Chinese firedrill!
Serious this time.
(whimpering)
Come on, boot guy.
Oh. Flushing Meadows.
(celestial chorus)
(toilets flushing)
Oh, I can't take it anymore.
All right, I'll only be gone for a second.
Frontsies, backsies, I'm with them.
V.I.P Coming through.
Very important person.
They gave me frontsies.
(elevator bell dings)
(gasps)
How frightfully rude.
I certainly hope someone stabs him in the eye.
(elevator dings)
Gah!
(pained moan)
(zipping)
(lift bell dings twice)
(loud groan of relief)
Oh, yes.
(gasps)
D'ohh!
D-ohh!
D'ohh!
(panting)
What?
"Failure to wait by vehicle..."
$250?
You... Oh!
(angry muttering)
Oh, no.
It's getting dark.
Well, that's it.
I'm getting out of this town alive if it kills me.
(engine revving)
(boot clanging)
(tires screeching)
(laughing)
Ow!
(laughing)
Ow!
(laughing)
Ow!
Look at all those beautiful shoes.
I know they're made from animals, but wow.
Mmm, If only I didn't already have a pair of shoes.
Speaking of shoes, I don't care about shoes.
I'll meet you ladies back here in half an hour.
OK, Dad.
Stay where I can see you, honey.
(gasps)
MAD Magazine?
(moaning)
(breathes sharply)
Excuse me. Is this MAD Magazine?
No, it's Mademoiselle.
We're buying our sign on the installment plan.
Seriously though, my name is Bart Simpson.
My father has a subscription.
I'd like the grand tour, please.
Listen, kid, you probably think
lots of crazy stuff goes on in there,
but this is just a place of business.
Oh... OK.
Get me Kaputnik and Fonebone.
I want to see their drawings
For "The New Kids on The Blecch."
And where's my fushlugginer pastrami sandwiches?
Wow.
I will never wash these eyes again.
(grunts)
(horns honking)
Get off the road, you freakin' maniac!
Yeah, you jackass!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
♪ Everything is beautiful ♪
♪ In its own way... ♪
(deep growl)
LISA: " Kickin' it --
A musical journey through the Betty Ford Center."
You know, when I was a girl,
I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience.
How do you find the defendant?
♪ He's guilty of mayhem ♪
♪ Exposure indecent ♪
♪ Freaked out behavior ♪
♪ Both chronic and recent ♪
♪ Drinking and driving narcotics possession ♪
♪ And that's just page one of his ten-page confession ♪
♪ I should put you away ♪
♪ Where you can't kill or maim us ♪
♪ But this is L.A. ♪
♪ And you're rich and famous ♪
(Broadway show tune intro)
♪ I'm checkin' in ♪
♪ He's checkin' in ♪
♪ I'm checkin' in ♪
♪ Checkin', checkin' in ♪
♪ No more pills or alcohol ♪
♪ No more pot or Demerol ♪
♪ No more stinkin' fun at all ♪
♪ I'm checkin' in ♪
♪ He's checkin' in ♪
♪ No more looking pale and thin ♪
♪ No more bugs beneath your skin ♪
♪ Hey, that's just my aspirin ♪
♪ Chuck it out ♪
♪ You're checkin' in ♪
When I grow up, I want to be in the Betty Ford Center.
You better start saving now.
-It's very expensive. -Shh.
They're strapping down Liza Minnelli.
HOMER: Oh, it's gonna be dark soon.
I'll never make it out of here with this rotten boot on my car.
(tires screeching)
A-ha. I've got it.
Brain, how can I ever thank you?
Just don't bump me on your way out of the car.
Sorry.
-Just a minute! -(horns honking)
Everything's under control.
Yes, I'd be upset, too.
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
What?
The boss says you're fired.
I'll get him.
(chuckling)
So long, Mr. Boot.
C-c-come on.
C-c-come on!
Die! Die!
Homer one--
New York nothing.
(clanking)
D'ohh!
Thanks for your patience.
-(gunshot) -Aah!
What a perfect way to end our day in New York.
Mm. I hope your father had as much fun as we did.
(growls)
-(horn honking) -(screaming)
(horn honking)
My God!
That maniac is heading straight for us!
Go, Secretariat! Go!
-Ow! -Hey, it's Dad. Right on time.
We're getting out of here.
Now jump in, Marge. Trust me, throw the kids.
-No time for the baby. -We're not jumping, Homer.
-(tires screeching) -(horse whinnies)
Come on, let's go. Everyone into the car now.
Tell your friends to ask for Jimmy.
LISA: What a magical city.
Can we come back next year, Dad?
We'll see, honey.
We'll see.
("New York, New York" playing)
♪ Start spreading the news ♪
♪ I'm leaving today ♪
♪ I want to be a part of it ♪
♪ In old New York ♪
♪ If I can make it there ♪
♪ I'll make it anywhere ♪
♪ Come on, come through ♪
♪ New York ♪
-(murmuring) -Shh!
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services