1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,128 {\an8}(theme music playing) 2 00:00:03,211 --> 00:00:06,673 {\an8}CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 3 00:00:06,756 --> 00:00:07,757 (tires screeching) 4 00:00:09,634 --> 00:00:11,344 D'oh! (screams) 5 00:00:26,234 --> 00:00:29,112 {\an8}(humming) 6 00:00:31,197 --> 00:00:32,323 {\an8}Mm-hmm. 7 00:00:35,493 --> 00:00:36,411 (ticking) 8 00:00:36,494 --> 00:00:38,329 {\an8}(along with clock ticking) Mm, mm, mm. 9 00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:39,706 {\an8}Oh, yeah. 10 00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:41,624 {\an8}(humming) 11 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:44,544 Mmm. 12 00:00:46,087 --> 00:00:47,881 {\an8}I have it going on. 13 00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:49,257 {\an8}(humming) 14 00:00:50,341 --> 00:00:52,844 {\an8}-(clangs) -(ringing in tune) 15 00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:55,638 {\an8}Ho-ho! Let the good times roll. 16 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,393 {\an8}(humming) 17 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,775 {\an8}Good Lord! The rod up that man's butt 18 00:01:06,858 --> 00:01:08,735 {\an8}butt must have a rod up its butt. 19 00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:10,278 {\an8}Oh, Superintendent Chalmers, 20 00:01:10,361 --> 00:01:12,655 {\an8}can I offer you a cup of coffee-flavored Bevarine? 21 00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:15,075 {\an8}Yeah. I take it gray, with Creamium. 22 00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:17,077 {\an8}But first, before Skinner shows up, 23 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,787 {\an8}I have a secret announcement. 24 00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:21,581 {\an8}In honor of Seymour's 20th year as principal, 25 00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:24,709 {\an8}we've decided to hold a surprise tribute Friday night. 26 00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:27,587 {\an8}It's my 20th year, too. 27 00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:30,673 {\an8}(scoffs) The teachers' lounge is for teachers, Willie. 28 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:31,925 {\an8}(groans, scoffs) 29 00:01:32,008 --> 00:01:32,842 {\an8}(door slams) 30 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,344 {\an8}And for the tribute, 31 00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:36,554 {\an8}I need a volunteer to present an oral report... 32 00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:38,556 {\an8}on Principal Skinner's life. 33 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,850 Miss Hoover, which one is "oral"? 34 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,644 Out of your mouth, Ralph. 35 00:01:42,727 --> 00:01:44,521 (sighs) Volunteers. 36 00:01:45,897 --> 00:01:48,942 -Thank you, Lisa. -Uh, no, Miss Hoover. I'm Ralph. 37 00:01:49,025 --> 00:01:51,319 I only need one volunteer, Ralph. 38 00:01:51,402 --> 00:01:53,988 Miss Hoover, which one is "one"? 39 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:55,990 Ralph and I could do the report together. 40 00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:58,409 -It's your funeral. -RALPH: Miss Hoover. 41 00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:01,663 (humming) 42 00:02:01,746 --> 00:02:03,957 Bart, why are you doing that? 43 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,251 Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party. 44 00:02:06,334 --> 00:02:07,794 These are in honor of his army days. 45 00:02:07,877 --> 00:02:09,796 Oh, that explains the flags. 46 00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:11,506 What about the dog food? 47 00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:14,384 My theory is... Skinner likes dog food. 48 00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:16,761 (groans) Let's bake him a cake. 49 00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:19,973 Ooh! A fresh batch of America balls! 50 00:02:20,056 --> 00:02:22,809 (chomping loudly) 51 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:29,983 WOMAN: Seymour, tell me what time it is, now! 52 00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:31,985 Seven o'clock, Friday night, Mother. 53 00:02:32,068 --> 00:02:33,903 Time for our weekly silhouette. 54 00:02:34,737 --> 00:02:37,991 No! Cutting out your ugly nose gives me a hand cramp! 55 00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:39,868 Oh, but you love silhouette night. 56 00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:42,120 And then we go through your bird book 57 00:02:42,203 --> 00:02:43,997 and make up silly captions... 58 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:45,832 Mother, why are you all dressed up? 59 00:02:45,915 --> 00:02:48,793 I'm sick of this house, and I'm sick of you! 60 00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:50,503 Tonight we're going for a drive. 61 00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:53,423 Mmm, what's so special about tonight? 62 00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:56,217 Nothing! Now put on your special suit and get in the car! 63 00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:57,302 Yes, Mother. 64 00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:01,681 Why are we stopping at my school, Mother? 65 00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:04,767 -What does it say on that sign? -I don't like your tone! 66 00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:08,396 ALL: Surprise! 67 00:03:08,479 --> 00:03:10,356 (chattering, laughing) 68 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,609 Happy anniversary, son. 69 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:14,819 Oh, Mother. (sniffles) 70 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:17,197 You are still the master of deception. 71 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,449 -I surely am. -CROWD: Ah. 72 00:03:20,074 --> 00:03:24,370 "So, in 1966, a brave young man named Seymour Skinner... 73 00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:26,206 enlisted and shipped and shipped out to Vietnam, 74 00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:28,958 where he rose to become platoon sergeant." 75 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,002 -Ralph. -Principal Skinner is an old man 76 00:03:31,085 --> 00:03:32,462 who lives at the school. 77 00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:35,089 -Lisa. -"Sergeant Skinner was a hero. 78 00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:38,468 He risked capture many times behind enemy lines." 79 00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:42,222 Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty. 80 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:45,475 "And he survived to make it back to Springfield 81 00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:48,561 where he became the fine educator we salute tonight." 82 00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:53,358 When I grow up, I wanna be a principal or a caterpillar. 83 00:03:53,441 --> 00:03:55,276 I love you, Principal Skinner. 84 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,278 (cheering) 85 00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:59,239 (singing) ♪ They call him Skinner ♪ 86 00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:00,657 ♪ Skinner ♪ 87 00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:04,035 ♪ Faster than lightning ♪ 88 00:04:04,118 --> 00:04:06,412 ♪ No one you see ♪ 89 00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:09,374 ♪ Is stricter than he... ♪ 90 00:04:12,835 --> 00:04:15,171 "Tribute to Seymour Skinner." 91 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:16,381 -Pull over, driver. -(tires screech) 92 00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:20,677 Now, I know the school normally serves cake only on Thursdays. 93 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:24,347 And I'm also well aware that today is Friday. 94 00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:26,766 Nevertheless, I have a surprise for you. 95 00:04:26,849 --> 00:04:30,270 -(drumroll) -I hope you all brought forks and plates. 96 00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:33,356 -Mm-hmm! -(murmuring) 97 00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:35,984 (laughs) 98 00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:42,031 -(buzzing) -Ooh! What the-- 99 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,992 An enjoyment buzzer. (laughing) 100 00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:45,910 (applause, laughter) 101 00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:48,871 Oh, thank you. What a wonderful night... 102 00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:52,959 to share with the people and the town that I love. 103 00:04:53,042 --> 00:04:57,046 I have never been happier or prouder to be Seymour Skinner. 104 00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,048 MAN: You're not Seymour Skinner. 105 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,466 (murmuring) 106 00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,552 -(gasps) Skinner! -Skinner? 107 00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:06,639 -I'm Skinner. -Seymour? (sobs) 108 00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:09,309 -Mother! -She's my mother! 109 00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:10,768 (murmuring) 110 00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:13,396 Will someone remove that crazy man, please? 111 00:05:13,479 --> 00:05:15,815 No. No. He's-- 112 00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:18,151 He's not crazy. It's true. 113 00:05:18,234 --> 00:05:20,903 I'm-- (sighs) 114 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:24,782 I-- I'm... an impostor. 115 00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:29,871 -That man is the real Seymour Skinner. -(gasping, murmuring) 116 00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:35,918 (Homer thinking) Keep looking shocked 117 00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:39,005 and move slowly towards the cake. 118 00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:47,180 Now, let's clear this up. Who exactly are you? 119 00:05:47,263 --> 00:05:50,558 Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army. 120 00:05:50,641 --> 00:05:53,061 It's true. I was in his platoon. 121 00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:56,230 But they said you were killed on that scouting mission. 122 00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:57,482 No, just captured. 123 00:05:57,565 --> 00:05:59,984 It's kind of a funny story, really. 124 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:02,612 After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp, 125 00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:04,989 I was sold to China for slave labor. 126 00:06:05,073 --> 00:06:08,076 And since '77, I've been making sneakers at gunpoint 127 00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:09,869 in a sweatshop in Wuhan. 128 00:06:09,952 --> 00:06:12,205 That's not a funny story. 129 00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:14,415 Well, I guess you had to be there. 130 00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:17,335 Anyhow, the U.N. shut the factory down last week 131 00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:20,088 and the embassy shipped me home, and here I am. 132 00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:24,133 So what's your story, Seymour, if that is your real name? 133 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:26,052 Well, obviously it isn't. 134 00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:29,764 My real name is Armin Tamzarian. 135 00:06:29,847 --> 00:06:33,351 -(gasping) -(laughing) 136 00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:36,312 I'm an orphan from Capitol City, and those who recall my fight 137 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,689 to outlaw teenage rudeness may be shocked to learn 138 00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:41,943 that I, myself, was once a street punk. 139 00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:47,448 -(shouts) -(tires screeching) 140 00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:48,449 -Oh, yeah. -(siren wailing) 141 00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:50,159 The way I was headed, it was just a matter of time 142 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,745 before I wound up in front of a judge. 143 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,705 -(yells) -What the- 144 00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:56,124 (siren stops) 145 00:06:56,999 --> 00:06:58,418 They gave me a choice. 146 00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:04,924 Jail, the army, or apologizing to the judge and the old lady. 147 00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:06,634 Of course, if I'd known there was a war 148 00:07:06,717 --> 00:07:08,970 going on, I probably would've apologized. 149 00:07:09,053 --> 00:07:11,180 -(men shouting) -(gunfire) 150 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:19,522 (groans) 151 00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:22,150 OK, who wants a piece of me? 152 00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:23,151 (grunts) 153 00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:26,279 You trying to get yourself killed, Tamzarian? 154 00:07:26,362 --> 00:07:29,615 You've got your whole life ahead of you. Don't you have any dreams? 155 00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:31,784 My dreams all involve combing my hair. 156 00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:35,121 Oh, gosh, son. Everybody's got dreams. 157 00:07:35,204 --> 00:07:37,540 I come from a town called Springfield. 158 00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:38,916 And my dream is to go back 159 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,377 and become principal of the elementary school. 160 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:45,715 Some people might call that a pretty corny dream, uh, Sergeant. 161 00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:50,803 Well, there's nothing corny about fresh-faced youngsters skipping to school, 162 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:53,014 scraping knees and spelling bees 163 00:07:53,097 --> 00:07:56,851 and pies cooling softly on the windowsill. (chuckles) 164 00:07:56,934 --> 00:08:00,813 Well, sir, if that's corny, then corn me up. 165 00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:03,274 ARMIN (narrating): Sergeant Skinner took me under his wing 166 00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:05,401 and showed me that life was worth living. 167 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:09,238 I came to think of him as the big brother I never had. 168 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:12,241 He made me believe I might have a future after all. 169 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,245 -Come on! -(gunshots) 170 00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:22,877 ARMIN (narrating): And when they told us he was missing, 171 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:26,130 presumed dead, my future died once again. 172 00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:29,050 My life lost all meaning. 173 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:34,305 Come on! Get to the part where you steal his identity. 174 00:08:34,388 --> 00:08:37,725 (scoffs) I'm trying to explain how emotionally fragile I was. 175 00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:40,436 Oh, it's one of those stories. 176 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:41,521 (clears throat) 177 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:43,272 Sergeant Skinner meant the world to me. 178 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:47,735 And I--I felt it was my duty to deliver the grim news to his mother. 179 00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:56,494 (clears throat) 180 00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:59,789 Hello. I'm, uh-- I'm-- 181 00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:03,042 Seymour, is that you? 182 00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:05,461 ARMIN (narrating): I don't know why I did what I did. 183 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:08,130 I guess I couldn't bear to tell her about her son. 184 00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:12,051 What I did was wrong, but... I'd do it again. 185 00:09:12,134 --> 00:09:14,554 Yes, Mother, it's me. 186 00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:17,974 You look different somehow. 187 00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:22,061 But you must be Seymour. Yes. You are Seymour. 188 00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:25,189 ARMIN (narrating): As strange as it sounds, 189 00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:27,233 deep down, I think she knew I wasn't her son, 190 00:09:27,316 --> 00:09:31,571 but the lie made us both happier than the truth ever could have. 191 00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:36,158 You can have some lima beans as soon as you've cleaned your room. 192 00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:39,787 Go! Upstairs, third door on the left. 193 00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:40,746 (running) 194 00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:42,540 Don't walk on the rugs! 195 00:09:42,623 --> 00:09:44,166 Yes, Mother. 196 00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:48,838 Don't judge her too harshly, Sergeant. She was a lonely old woman. 197 00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:52,758 If you must blame someone, blame me. 198 00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:56,387 Well, that's pretty much what I was planning to do there, Armin. 199 00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:59,265 Well, that's about it. And so, for the past 26 years, 200 00:09:59,348 --> 00:10:02,935 I've dedicated myself to living out your dream. 201 00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:05,062 I didn't dream anything about an aqua suit 202 00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:08,441 or a lavender shirt, but you did take care of Mom. 203 00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:11,861 A dagger! A dagger through my heart! 204 00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:14,614 -Oh, here, Mother. Let me help you. -Get your hands off me! 205 00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:16,824 -Please, Mom. -You too, stranger! 206 00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:20,286 -I'm your son. -I have no son. 207 00:10:20,369 --> 00:10:23,623 Look, lady, you obviously have at least one son. 208 00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:28,044 No! I have one stranger and one fraud. 209 00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:31,380 -Take it easy, Mom. -I said, back off! 210 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,591 You better do as she says. She's quick with a hatpin. 211 00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:38,554 (sighs) Uh, well, hey, I suppose I'll have to find a hotel. 212 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:42,683 I won't hear of it. Tonight you can sleep on the floor of your office. 213 00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:46,646 (whistling) Hey, Armin. 214 00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:49,565 (muttering, clears throat) 215 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:50,816 Miss Krabappel sent me. 216 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:52,902 I forged my dad's signature on my report card. 217 00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:55,321 Oh, now, Bart, you know that's wrong. 218 00:10:55,404 --> 00:10:57,615 I don't see how me signing Homer's name is any different 219 00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:59,325 from you using Sergeant Skinner's name. 220 00:10:59,408 --> 00:11:03,537 (sighs) I guess me punishing you would be somewhat hypocritical. 221 00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:06,040 Why don't you just write a 30-word essay on what you've done? 222 00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:08,459 Hey, hey, hey. Easy there, you big impostor. 223 00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:13,005 (beeping) 224 00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:15,966 So, uh, um, should I sign my original name? 225 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:19,470 Just put an "X," then call yourself whatever the hell you want. 226 00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:21,514 Well, now, there's no need for profanity. 227 00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:22,556 My name may have changed, 228 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,934 but I'm still the same man I was last week. 229 00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:27,603 Not to us you're not. I mean, how would you feel 230 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,648 if you suddenly found out Ned Flanders was an impostor? 231 00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:33,859 -Who's Ned Flanders? -My next-door neighbor. Religious guy? 232 00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:37,363 -Oh, you mean Reverend Lovejoy. -No, I don't! 233 00:11:37,446 --> 00:11:40,825 What I mean is, to me you're just a stranger 234 00:11:40,908 --> 00:11:44,036 -pretending to be something he's not. -Mmm. 235 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,789 Oh, I'm sorry, but that's just how I feel. 236 00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:51,961 No, don't apologize. It's time I stopped pretending. 237 00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:56,632 I've called this assembly to announce my retirement 238 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,260 effective as of the end of this sentence. 239 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:05,933 This sentence I'm speaking... right now. 240 00:12:07,184 --> 00:12:11,522 -Period. -(gasping, murmuring) 241 00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:15,192 I wrongfully usurped Sergeant Skinner's position 242 00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:18,195 and I suggest you consider him to replace me. 243 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:19,280 Thank you. 244 00:12:19,363 --> 00:12:20,740 Well, now, I don't know. 245 00:12:20,823 --> 00:12:23,534 Skinner, do you know anything about being a principal? 246 00:12:23,617 --> 00:12:25,953 Well, it's been my lifelong ambition. 247 00:12:26,036 --> 00:12:28,789 And if a man pretending to be me could do it, 248 00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:32,168 well, then, logically, the real me must be far more qualified. 249 00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:33,169 Good enough. 250 00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:36,464 Armin Tamzarian's reign of terror is over. 251 00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:40,801 Now let us welcome our new Principal Skinner, 252 00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,178 Principal Seymour Skinner. 253 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,640 -Uh, him. -(cheering) 254 00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:59,904 Well, before I go, I've got some personal items for you. 255 00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:02,782 You belong to the Radio Shack Battery Club. 256 00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:04,450 Oh, oh, 10 Canadian dollars. 257 00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:07,161 That's a souvenir from your trip to Upstate New York. 258 00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:10,414 (chuckles) You've led quite a life, Tamzarian. 259 00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:14,460 It's your life. I just kept it warm for you. 260 00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:17,671 Oh, I nearly forgot. Your pocket watch. 261 00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:20,049 -Mother's picture is still inside. -(ticking) 262 00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:21,091 Take good care of her. 263 00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:23,761 I'll wind her every day. 264 00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:30,226 I poached some fish for your trip, Mr. Tamzarian. 265 00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:33,521 They're full of tiny bones, so I want you to be careful. 266 00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:38,609 I will, Moth-- uh, Mrs. Skinner. (sighs) 267 00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:39,944 Well, I'd better be going. 268 00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:46,116 (sighs) 269 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,117 (knocks on door) 270 00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:53,332 Good evening, Edna. I know we were planning to see a film tonight, 271 00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:55,417 but instead, I'm leaving town forever. 272 00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:58,671 No, please. I don't care what you've done. 273 00:13:58,754 --> 00:14:01,006 You're still a decent, honorable man. 274 00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:02,800 Mmm. 275 00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:05,261 That's the kind of talk that makes me want to marry you. 276 00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:06,387 Oh! 277 00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:08,848 But instead, I'm leaving town forever. 278 00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,891 -Good-bye. -Mmm. 279 00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:26,949 Well, it's time to pick up where I left off-- 280 00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:29,243 as a no-good street punk. 281 00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:34,290 (engine starts) 282 00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:38,460 Principal Skinner? 283 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:40,254 Up yours, children. 284 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:48,262 (laughs) Now, to recap our top story in its entirety. 285 00:14:48,345 --> 00:14:51,098 "The adaptable citizens of Springfield have opened their hearts 286 00:14:51,181 --> 00:14:53,434 to Principal Seymour Skinner, who--" 287 00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:55,644 Not that one. 288 00:14:57,354 --> 00:14:58,272 Idiots. 289 00:14:58,355 --> 00:15:00,274 (cheering) 290 00:15:00,357 --> 00:15:04,486 Thank you. Thank you. I must say, in many ways... 291 00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:07,448 Springfield really beats the old slave-labor camp. 292 00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:09,700 (cheering) 293 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:13,370 I admit Sergeant Skinner seems OK. 294 00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:16,290 But Mr. Tamzarian pulled himself up from the streets 295 00:15:16,373 --> 00:15:18,626 and earned our respect and admiration. 296 00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:21,545 -He lied about his name. -His name doesn't matter. 297 00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:24,423 "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." 298 00:15:24,506 --> 00:15:27,134 -Not if you called 'em stench blossoms. -Or crap weeds. 299 00:15:27,217 --> 00:15:30,262 I'd sure hate to get a dozen crap weeds for Valentine's Day. 300 00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:33,432 -I'd rather have candy. -Not if they were called scum drops. 301 00:15:33,515 --> 00:15:36,644 Your new principal would like to say a few words. 302 00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:39,271 Remember, you have to respect him. 303 00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:41,774 -He's a war hero. -Ha-ha! 304 00:15:41,857 --> 00:15:43,692 Thank you, Chalmers. 305 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,654 You know where I come from, there's no better way to get acquainted 306 00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:49,823 than by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance together. 307 00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:54,036 Why don't you lead us, son? 308 00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,039 [spoken lyrics] Hey, America you're so fine. 309 00:15:57,122 --> 00:15:58,958 You're so fine, you blow my mind, America. 310 00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:00,960 -(armpit fart) -(laughter) 311 00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:03,712 Well, that's very concise, 312 00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:06,799 but it's an insult to everything I suffered for. 313 00:16:06,882 --> 00:16:09,343 Now, take a seat, junior, and listen to someone 314 00:16:09,426 --> 00:16:12,429 who gave their youth in service of their country. 315 00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:15,557 Mrs. Krabappel, the pledge, please. 316 00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:19,561 You haven't dealt with women for a long time, have you, Sergeant? 317 00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:22,606 Are you asking me out? 318 00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:23,941 (siren wailing) 319 00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:26,402 Ah, 433rd Street. 320 00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:27,945 My old neighborhood. 321 00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:29,488 -(music playing) -Hmm. 322 00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:35,577 "Oh, yes. Oh, yes. 323 00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:37,830 Capitol City's nakedest ladies. 324 00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:40,749 They're not even wearing a smile. 325 00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:44,044 Nod suggestively. Yes, six. Count 'em. 326 00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:46,797 Six gorgeous ladies just dying... 327 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,133 for your leers and catcalls. 328 00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:50,801 Yowza, yowza." 329 00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:52,469 (groans) 330 00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:55,723 Seymour, it's 7:30. Where were you? 331 00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:59,226 -A bar, Mom. -I don't know what that is 332 00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:02,354 but on Fridays, you come straight home after school! 333 00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,857 Tonight is silhouette night. Sit there. 334 00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:07,526 I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. 335 00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:09,528 Seymour, sit! 336 00:17:09,611 --> 00:17:13,198 In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car. 337 00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:23,667 -Good morning, Agnes. -Mmm. 338 00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:26,754 Mmm, how's your new son working out? 339 00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,339 That child is the most disobedient, 340 00:17:29,423 --> 00:17:32,342 smart-alecky, middle-aged man in creation! 341 00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:33,385 Hello, ladies. 342 00:17:33,469 --> 00:17:35,971 Is this the line for people who wanna bad-mouth Sergeant Skinner? 343 00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:39,850 -And have 10 items or less. -Twelve, 11, 10. The man's a weenie. 344 00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:43,520 Oh, now, be fair, Edna. I liked Armin Tamzarian, too... 345 00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:46,273 but he was at least as big a weenie as Sergeant Skinner. 346 00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:49,985 -But he was our weenie. -Now, there was a weenie... 347 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:53,280 you could be proud to call your son. 348 00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:54,907 Did you ever tell him that? 349 00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:57,201 Hmm. 350 00:17:57,284 --> 00:18:01,288 OK, once more, where are we going? 351 00:18:01,371 --> 00:18:02,539 To Capitol City. 352 00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,500 And why are you and the old lady in the car? 353 00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:07,586 We're gonna talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back. 354 00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:10,756 -And why is Marge here? -I came up with the idea. 355 00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:13,509 -And why am I here? -Because the streets of Capitol City 356 00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:16,303 are no place for three unescorted ladies. 357 00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:17,638 And why are the kids here? 358 00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:19,848 Because we couldn't find Grampa to sit for them. 359 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,350 And why is Grampa here? 360 00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:24,228 'Cause Jasper didn't wanna come by himself. 361 00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:29,274 -(chuckles) Fair enough. -Hello, beautiful! 362 00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:32,861 -In your dreams. -We'll see about that. 363 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,864 (snoring) 364 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,994 Hello, beautiful. (snoring resumes) 365 00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:47,417 My mind is made up. I'm not coming back, and that's final. 366 00:18:49,878 --> 00:18:52,506 -Oh, Seymour. -And I'm not Seymour. 367 00:18:52,589 --> 00:18:54,883 My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, 368 00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:59,054 Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas. 369 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,807 -Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin? -Yes, you can. 370 00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:02,808 This is Armin's life. 371 00:19:02,891 --> 00:19:05,727 And maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. 372 00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:08,480 I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik. 373 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:12,025 Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that! 374 00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:14,736 -Well, you didn't bring me up at all. -The hell I didn't! 375 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:17,281 I've been taking care of you for 26 years! 376 00:19:17,364 --> 00:19:20,409 -I'm the only mother you've ever known! -But you have your real son. 377 00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:22,411 You're my real son! 378 00:19:22,494 --> 00:19:24,413 You've been my son longer than he has. 379 00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:27,040 And he doesn't need me, and I don't need him! 380 00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:29,459 Now you march yourself downstairs and get in that car! 381 00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:31,753 -Yes, Mother. -And the rest of you, too! 382 00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:33,213 ALL: Yes, Mrs. Skinner. 383 00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:37,593 (horn honks) 384 00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:45,684 Hey, everybody, look! Armin Tamzarian's back! 385 00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,103 And he's gonna take over the school again! 386 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,271 (chattering) 387 00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:51,064 Now, hold on. 388 00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:55,360 Armin Tamzarian is an unsavory character who played us all for chumps. 389 00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:58,655 All right, all right. So he's a fraud. 390 00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:03,827 I don't care. His mom doesn't care. Do any of you care? 391 00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:06,246 -Nope, not me. -I guess not. 392 00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:10,000 You all seem to be forgetting that I am Seymour Skinner. 393 00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:11,710 This is where I belong. 394 00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:15,380 You can't ask me to disappear just because you like some other guy better. 395 00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:17,591 I gave half my life for you people. 396 00:20:17,674 --> 00:20:20,219 Aren't I entitled to a little dignity? 397 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,556 You're, uh-- You're right, Sergeant. 398 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,892 Well, I don't see any way out of this. 399 00:20:26,975 --> 00:20:29,394 Now, if you'll allow me, I think I have a solution 400 00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:31,104 that'll satisfy the town 401 00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:34,441 and let Sergeant Skinner keep his dignity. 402 00:20:35,442 --> 00:20:37,945 -(train horn blowing) -But I'm a hero! 403 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:40,364 And we salute you for it. Now, don't come back. 404 00:20:40,447 --> 00:20:42,074 (cheering) 405 00:20:42,157 --> 00:20:44,076 -I'm sorry, Seymour. -(marching band) 406 00:20:44,159 --> 00:20:45,577 It's nice you're alive, 407 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:48,914 but you're just not what I'm looking for in a son. 408 00:20:48,997 --> 00:20:50,666 I'm glad you understand. 409 00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:55,462 (cheering continues) 410 00:20:55,545 --> 00:20:58,173 Well, this is a lovely gesture, but... 411 00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:01,760 we still have to face the fact that I'm not really Seymour Skinner. 412 00:21:01,843 --> 00:21:04,680 Oh, no, we don't. Judge Snyder. 413 00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:06,765 By authority of the city of Springfield, 414 00:21:06,848 --> 00:21:10,060 I hereby confer upon you the name of Seymour Skinner... 415 00:21:10,143 --> 00:21:12,813 as well as his past, present, future and mother. 416 00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:14,982 -OK. -And I further decree 417 00:21:15,065 --> 00:21:17,109 that everything will be just like it was 418 00:21:17,192 --> 00:21:19,111 before all this happened. 419 00:21:19,194 --> 00:21:21,780 And no one will ever mention it again... 420 00:21:21,863 --> 00:21:25,117 under penalty of torture. 421 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,036 (cheering) 422 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:32,040 -Here, son. This is yours again. -Mmm. 423 00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:35,544 I've never been happier or prouder to be Seymour Skinner, 424 00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:40,382 but these last few days as that hotheaded rogue Armin Tamzarian 425 00:21:40,465 --> 00:21:42,592 have taught me a thing or two. 426 00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:46,346 You know, maybe I've been a little too uptight in the past. 427 00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:50,183 Well, from now on, you're gonna see a new Seymour Skinner. 428 00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:52,894 -Oh, no, we won't! -Yes, Mother. 429 00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:54,438 (theme music playing) 430 00:22:38,482 --> 00:22:40,442 -(murmuring) -Shh! 431 00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:45,530 {\an8}Captioned by Visual Data Media Services