1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,961 {\an8}(theme music playing) 2 00:00:03,044 --> 00:00:06,631 {\an8}CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 3 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,810 (school bell rings) 4 00:00:24,065 --> 00:00:25,150 (alarm rings) 5 00:00:30,488 --> 00:00:31,406 (beeping) 6 00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:37,620 (playing the blues) 7 00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:40,874 (jazzy solo) 8 00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:47,630 (tire screeches) 9 00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:48,673 (chimes) 10 00:00:58,725 --> 00:00:59,934 (honking horn) 11 00:01:01,269 --> 00:01:02,645 (tires screech) 12 00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:05,648 D-ohh! 13 00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:07,150 (screams) 14 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:25,085 {\an8}♪ Boy, the way the Bee Gees played ♪ 15 00:01:25,168 --> 00:01:28,421 {\an8}♪ Movies John Travolta made ♪ 16 00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:31,674 {\an8}♪ Guessing how much Elvis weighed ♪ 17 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:34,427 {\an8}♪ Those were the days ♪ 18 00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:38,556 {\an8}♪ And you know where you were then ♪ 19 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,893 {\an8}HOMER: ♪ Watching shows like gentle Ben ♪ 20 00:01:41,976 --> 00:01:47,232 {\an8}BOTH: ♪ Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again ♪ 21 00:01:47,315 --> 00:01:50,485 {\an8}♪ Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac ♪ 22 00:01:50,568 --> 00:01:53,863 {\an8}♪ Coming out of my eight-track ♪ 23 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:58,910 {\an8}♪ Michael Jackson still was black ♪ 24 00:01:58,993 --> 00:02:04,249 {\an8}♪ Those were the days ♪ 25 00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:06,042 {\an8}(applause) 26 00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:11,131 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: The Simpsons is filmed in front of a live studio audience. 27 00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:14,634 {\an8}Hey, there, meathead, what are you watching? 28 00:02:14,717 --> 00:02:16,803 {\an8}I thought I'd check out the Warner Brothers network. 29 00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:20,181 ♪ We're proud to present on the WB ♪ 30 00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:24,352 ♪ Another bad show that no one will see ♪ 31 00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:26,563 I need a drink. 32 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:30,733 ANNOUNCER: It's the TV movie of the year. The Krusty the Klown Story. 33 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:35,822 Booze, drugs, guns, lies, blackmail and laughter. 34 00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:38,908 Starring Fyvush Finkel as Krusty the Klown. 35 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,830 I went through a five-year orgy 36 00:02:43,913 --> 00:02:46,583 of nonstop pills and booze 37 00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:47,750 with nothing to show for it 38 00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:50,879 but four Emmys and a Peabody award. 39 00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:53,339 (moaning) 40 00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:57,177 All right! They're going to show his disastrous marriage to Mia Farrow. 41 00:02:57,260 --> 00:03:02,182 Chan Ho, your mother Mia and I are getting a divorce. 42 00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:03,975 Chan Ho is over there. 43 00:03:04,058 --> 00:03:05,351 I am Chin Ho. 44 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:08,021 Whoever you are, just pass it along, kid. 45 00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:10,857 {\an8}-What a bad father. -(drill bit running) 46 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:13,943 (saxophone playing) 47 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,446 Lisa, knock off that racket! 48 00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:19,449 But, Dad, I'm supposed to practice an hour a day. 49 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:20,950 I'll practice you! 50 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,369 You'll practice me. What does that mean? 51 00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:25,705 Is it supposed to be some sort of threat? 52 00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:28,458 -(Lisa starts playing) -(growls) Bart, make her stop. 53 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,126 Mmm. 54 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,420 Look, Bart, I have to practice my saxophone 55 00:03:32,503 --> 00:03:34,797 -and you can't stop me. -Oh, yeah? 56 00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:38,343 My dear Lisa, you are eight and I am ten. 57 00:03:38,426 --> 00:03:40,303 And in my two extra years on this planet 58 00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:41,971 I've learned a few tricks. 59 00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:43,890 Give me that sax! 60 00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:45,433 -No! -I said gimme! 61 00:03:45,516 --> 00:03:46,601 -I said no! -Gimme it. 62 00:03:46,684 --> 00:03:49,270 -No! No! No! -Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! 63 00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:50,313 (screaming) 64 00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:52,482 (gasping) 65 00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:00,865 {\an8}(truck horn blaring) 66 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,704 Ha-ha! 67 00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,629 (crying) 68 00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:18,883 Aw, Lisa, it doesn't look so bad. 69 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:20,843 Oh, yeah? 70 00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:21,761 D'oh. 71 00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:24,472 {\an8}Lisa, honey, if it will make you feel better 72 00:04:24,555 --> 00:04:26,057 {\an8}I'll destroy something Bart loves. 73 00:04:26,140 --> 00:04:28,142 {\an8}-Hey! -Don't worry, son. 74 00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:29,394 If that bothers you 75 00:04:29,477 --> 00:04:31,354 I'll destroy something Maggie loves. 76 00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:34,357 Dad, you don't understand. 77 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,567 This saxophone is like my oldest friend. 78 00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:39,070 I've had it for as long as I can remember. 79 00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:40,446 You don't remember how you got it? 80 00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:41,781 Nuh-uh. 81 00:04:41,864 --> 00:04:45,535 Oh, well, it all happened in 1990. 82 00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:48,204 Back then, the artist formerly known as Prince 83 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,707 was currently known as Prince. 84 00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:52,875 Tracey Ullman was entertaining America 85 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:56,879 with songs, sketches, and crudely-drawn filler material. 86 00:04:56,963 --> 00:05:01,175 And Bart Was eagerly awaiting his first day of school. 87 00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:03,344 (Bobby McFerrin's “Don't Worry Be Happy” playing) 88 00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:07,557 ♪ Don't worry, be happy ♪ 89 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:08,808 Look, mama. 90 00:05:08,891 --> 00:05:10,893 Oh, honey, I can't right now. 91 00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:12,270 Bart's going to be late. 92 00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:17,650 Now, son, on your first day of school 93 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:18,901 I'd like to pass along 94 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:21,321 the words of advice my father gave me. 95 00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:24,741 Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. 96 00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:28,328 If a strange man offers you a ride I say take it. 97 00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:30,288 Lousy, traumatic childhood! 98 00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:32,040 (horn honking) 99 00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:33,458 Ooh, there's the bus. 100 00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:35,001 Good-bye, sweetheart. 101 00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:38,546 School will be fun. 102 00:05:41,090 --> 00:05:43,468 Welcome, kindergärtners. I'm principal Sinner. 103 00:05:43,551 --> 00:05:44,677 S-Skinner. 104 00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:45,845 (laughing) 105 00:05:45,928 --> 00:05:48,848 Well, that's it. I've lost them forever. 106 00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:51,392 Now, I'd like to introduce you to lunch lady Doris 107 00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:53,603 who will serve you healthy, nutritious meals. 108 00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:55,396 Yeah. Right. 109 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:56,647 SKINNER: Miss Phipps, the school nurse 110 00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,816 who will provide ointments and unguents 111 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,693 and Jimbo, the school bully 112 00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:02,779 who will administer noogies and nipple twisters. 113 00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:05,448 I look forward to whaling on all of you. 114 00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:06,532 (gulps) 115 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,743 {\an8}♪ There was a farmer who had a dog ♪ 116 00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:10,453 {\an8}♪ And bingo was his name-o ♪ 117 00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:15,333 {\an8}♪ B-i... O, b-i... O, b-i... ♪ 118 00:06:15,416 --> 00:06:17,335 {\an8}♪ And Bingo was his name-o ♪ 119 00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:20,713 Added extra clap. Not college material. 120 00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:23,299 -(humming) -Hey! Wee bairn! 121 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,134 Hie ye hence from me heath! 122 00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:30,014 Can't you understand English? 123 00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:37,313 -(door closes) -Hi, honey. 124 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:38,940 How was your first day of school? 125 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,109 Honey? 126 00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:47,365 ♪ Bart was feeling mighty blue ♪ 127 00:06:47,448 --> 00:06:50,952 ♪ It's a shame what school can do ♪ 128 00:06:51,035 --> 00:06:55,623 ♪ For no reason, here's Apu ♪ 129 00:06:55,706 --> 00:07:00,920 ♪ Those were the days! ♪ 130 00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:03,714 And that, my children, 131 00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:07,802 is the story of Bart's first day of school. 132 00:07:07,885 --> 00:07:09,971 -Very nice. -Yeah. 133 00:07:10,054 --> 00:07:12,098 Yeah. Except you were supposed 134 00:07:12,181 --> 00:07:14,976 to be telling the story of how I got my saxophone. 135 00:07:16,060 --> 00:07:17,103 D-oh! 136 00:07:21,899 --> 00:07:23,359 Homer, I can't get the baby to burp. 137 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,777 Could you try for a while? 138 00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:26,028 No problem. 139 00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:27,864 I'll just give her a sip of beer. 140 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,532 Come on, Maggie. 141 00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:32,368 It's Miller time. Yes, it's Miller time. 142 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:33,453 Homer! 143 00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:35,872 {\an8}Oh, my father gave me beer as a child. 144 00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:38,541 {\an8}Till I wrapped my little red wagon around a tree. 145 00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:42,545 (clamoring) 146 00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:46,174 Let's never drink again. 147 00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:48,259 And we never did. 148 00:07:49,510 --> 00:07:52,597 {\an8}Mom, can you tell me the story of how I got my saxophone 149 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,932 {\an8}and not have it turn into a story about Bart? 150 00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:56,559 Oh, sure, honey. 151 00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:58,853 Bart had just completed his first day at school 152 00:07:58,936 --> 00:08:00,938 -and Bart-- -Mom! 153 00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:03,357 Hey, she's just giving the public what it wants-- 154 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:05,109 Bart by the barrelful. 155 00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:06,068 I'm sorry, Lisa. 156 00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,820 It's just how the story goes. 157 00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:09,322 No matter what Bart tried 158 00:08:09,405 --> 00:08:11,866 he just couldn't fit in at school. 159 00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,202 ♪ A, b, c... ♪ 160 00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:16,662 {\an8}-Uh... Line. -"D" 161 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:18,331 {\an8}♪ D, e... ♪ 162 00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:19,749 {\an8}Um... Line. 163 00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:21,250 {\an8}"F," Bart. 164 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,503 {\an8}And believe me, you'll be seeing plenty of them. 165 00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:28,174 {\an8}Bart, would you like to read a book? 166 00:08:30,259 --> 00:08:31,177 No. 167 00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:32,678 Would you like to color something? 168 00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:33,846 I did. 169 00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:37,141 Mmm. 170 00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:40,811 -(jazz music playing) -(fingers snapping) 171 00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:46,734 MAN: That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks. 172 00:08:46,817 --> 00:08:48,861 And damn good cherry pie. 173 00:08:56,410 --> 00:08:57,578 Brilliant. 174 00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:01,541 {\an8}I have absolutely no idea what's going on. 175 00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:04,877 Homer, I want you to look at this drawing Bart did. 176 00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:07,380 Oh! It's beautiful. 177 00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:11,509 Oh, let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge... 178 00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:12,635 Homer, stop. 179 00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:14,679 Would you please look at the drawing? 180 00:09:14,762 --> 00:09:17,348 Oh, all right. What a-- (screams) 181 00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:19,183 Burn it! Send it to hell! 182 00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:21,936 I think we're going to have to get Bart some help. 183 00:09:22,019 --> 00:09:23,187 Get it away. 184 00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:26,065 Bart, son, you want to play catch? 185 00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:27,567 -No. -Oh. 186 00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:30,111 {\an8}When a boy doesn't want to play catch with his old man 187 00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:31,821 {\an8}something is seriously wrong. 188 00:09:31,904 --> 00:09:33,948 I'll play catch with you, son. 189 00:09:34,031 --> 00:09:36,117 -Get the hell out. -I'm gone. 190 00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:37,952 {\an8}Ah... 191 00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:38,911 Mrs. Simpson, physically 192 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:41,038 your son is as sound as the dollar. 193 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:43,291 I'm afraid Bart's severe emotional dysfunction 194 00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:46,544 stems from a deep-seated psychological trauma. 195 00:09:46,627 --> 00:09:48,754 (chuckles) 196 00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,006 MARGE: With nowhere else to turn 197 00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:52,174 we went to see the school psychologist. 198 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:53,634 Mr. And Mrs. Simpson 199 00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:55,678 there's nothing to be alarmed about. 200 00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:59,515 Public school can be intimidating to a young child... 201 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,934 particularly one with as many flamboyantly 202 00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:04,687 homosexual tendencies as your son. 203 00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:05,855 Bart's gay? 204 00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:06,772 Bart? 205 00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:09,108 {\an8}Whoops! Wrong file. 206 00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:13,029 {\an8}Ah... (stammers) The point I'm trying to make here 207 00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:16,407 {\an8}is that Bart must learn to be less of an individual 208 00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:18,701 and more a faceless slug. 209 00:10:21,579 --> 00:10:22,455 {\an8}Mmm. Mmm. 210 00:10:23,247 --> 00:10:25,916 Hmm. Lisa, how old are you? 211 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,169 I am three and three-eighths. 212 00:10:28,252 --> 00:10:31,631 Mmm. Lisa, if I have five apples 213 00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:33,674 and I take away three apples 214 00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:36,093 how many apples do I have left? 215 00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:37,345 Two apples. 216 00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:38,262 Wait a minute. 217 00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:41,098 She's right. 218 00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:42,642 Yes, very good. 219 00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:46,729 Marge, Homer, I believe your Lisa may be gifted. 220 00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:48,230 That's wonderful, 221 00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,358 but still can't you do anything for Bart? 222 00:10:50,441 --> 00:10:52,902 Marge, he's five. His life is over. 223 00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:54,779 Lisa's the wave of the future. 224 00:10:54,862 --> 00:10:56,405 Wave of the future! 225 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,032 That's right, honey. 226 00:10:58,115 --> 00:10:59,575 If you nurture her gift now 227 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,661 there's no telling what she can do. 228 00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:02,578 Wow. 229 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,247 Just think of the possibilities. 230 00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:09,710 MAN: Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel prize. 231 00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:10,878 Nah. 232 00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:14,215 Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel prize... 233 00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:15,299 for kick boxing! 234 00:11:15,383 --> 00:11:16,300 Yah! 235 00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:17,301 Hmm. 236 00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:22,515 Uh... I'll give you the address of a nice preschool. 237 00:11:23,891 --> 00:11:25,059 {\an8}(girls chanting) Cross my heart 238 00:11:25,142 --> 00:11:28,354 {\an8}and hope to die, here's the digits that make "pi". 239 00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:31,857 {\an8}Three point one four one five nine two six five three five 240 00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,485 {\an8}eight nine seven nine three two three eight four six two six... 241 00:11:34,568 --> 00:11:35,528 I can assure you 242 00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:37,780 Our preschool is of the highest quality. 243 00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:41,117 Over 75% of our graduates go on to first grade. 244 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,494 Well, our little girl has a gift and we're willing to do 245 00:11:43,577 --> 00:11:44,704 what it takes to help her. 246 00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:45,788 Very good. 247 00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:48,874 Once we receive your $6,000 tuition check, she's in. 248 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:50,042 I'll give you 50 bucks. 249 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,419 Our fee is non-negotiable. 250 00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:52,545 Seventy-five! 251 00:11:52,628 --> 00:11:54,880 Look, I knew private school would be expensive 252 00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:57,550 but I was hoping we could get a scholarship of some sort. 253 00:11:57,633 --> 00:11:59,802 Sorry. I don't have anything to offer you 254 00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,054 unless you're a member of a minority group. 255 00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:05,558 {\an8}Excellente! Muchos gracias, senorata! 256 00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:06,475 {\an8}I'm sorry. 257 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:07,893 {\an8}(Chinese accent) Ah, so. 258 00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:09,687 Come on, honey. 259 00:12:09,770 --> 00:12:11,439 I guess this is a world you'll never know. 260 00:12:17,361 --> 00:12:21,031 {\an8}Our family was suffering through its worst crisis ever. 261 00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:22,783 {\an8}Bart was miserable at school 262 00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:26,078 {\an8}and Lisa's gifts were going to waste. 263 00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:27,872 {\an8}Uh... Homer, it's five years later 264 00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:29,498 {\an8}and I'm still miserable at school. 265 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,584 {\an8}And my gifts are still going to waste. 266 00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:33,586 And sometimes I feel so smothered by this family 267 00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:35,629 I just want to scream till my lungs explode! 268 00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:37,131 (exhales deeply) 269 00:12:37,214 --> 00:12:39,300 Right. I'll go start dinner now. 270 00:12:39,383 --> 00:12:40,342 You do that. 271 00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:41,969 (Marge grunts) 272 00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:46,807 Hello! 273 00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:48,350 Dad, what are you doing here? 274 00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:50,144 Looking for my teeth. 275 00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:52,605 (muffled barking) 276 00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:54,356 Give me those! 277 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,066 Better wash these off. 278 00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:57,902 Aw, the hell with it. 279 00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:01,572 Well, grampa, as long as you're here 280 00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:03,824 we were telling a story that took place 281 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,827 when Bart was five and Lisa was three. 282 00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:09,038 Oh, I know this story! 283 00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:11,332 The year is nineteen-aught-six. 284 00:13:11,415 --> 00:13:14,752 The president is the divine Miss Sarah Bernhard. 285 00:13:14,835 --> 00:13:16,712 And all over America 286 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:20,883 people were doing a dance called "The Funky Grandpa!" 287 00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:22,968 ♪ Oh, I'm the... ♪ 288 00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:26,180 (snoring) 289 00:13:26,263 --> 00:13:27,723 Y-yes. 290 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,184 Well, as if our troubles weren't bad enough 291 00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:33,521 Springfield was going through an unseasonable heat wave... 292 00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:37,566 MAN: And so, Springfield's heat wave continues 293 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:40,361 with today's temperature exceeding the record for this date-- 294 00:13:40,444 --> 00:13:42,154 set way back four billion years ago 295 00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:44,949 when the earth was just a ball of molten lava. 296 00:13:45,032 --> 00:13:48,661 Oh... So hot. 297 00:13:49,411 --> 00:13:51,372 Homer, have you seen the frozen peas? 298 00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:53,207 (grunts) 299 00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:54,959 Uh... You keep them. 300 00:13:55,042 --> 00:13:57,670 Now, listen, if we can't afford private school 301 00:13:57,753 --> 00:14:00,005 maybe there's some other way to encourage Lisa. 302 00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:03,217 Um, an art class... Ballet lessons... 303 00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:04,260 They have some fun things 304 00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:06,387 you could do at the museum on Saturday. 305 00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:07,638 Nuh-uh. Forget it, Marge. 306 00:14:07,721 --> 00:14:10,558 There is no way I'm spending my Saturdays at a museum. 307 00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:12,393 {\an8}Unless... 308 00:14:12,476 --> 00:14:15,396 {\an8}Museums don't have foosball, do they? 309 00:14:16,772 --> 00:14:17,731 (ting) 310 00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:19,650 You lose, Michelangelo's David. 311 00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:20,734 Who's next? 312 00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:22,903 (screaming) Me! 313 00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:25,573 (Marge groans) 314 00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,241 I guess it doesn't matter. 315 00:14:27,324 --> 00:14:30,327 All these things cost money and we just don't have it. 316 00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:31,829 Unless... 317 00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:33,414 Unless... what? 318 00:14:33,497 --> 00:14:35,207 Well, there's that $200 319 00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,585 we've been saving for the new air conditioner. 320 00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:41,422 Oh, Marge, but we've needed a new air conditioner for years! 321 00:14:41,505 --> 00:14:44,008 And our stopgap solution is getting cranky. 322 00:14:44,091 --> 00:14:46,343 (yowling) 323 00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:47,887 I cannot believe this! 324 00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:50,431 I'm trying to give our daughter a headstart in life 325 00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:51,932 and you aren't helping a bit. 326 00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:53,642 Marge, name one successful person 327 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,436 who ever lived without air conditioning. 328 00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:56,353 Balzac. 329 00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:57,771 No need for potty mouth 330 00:14:57,855 --> 00:14:59,356 just because you can't think of one. 331 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,066 But Balzac is the name. 332 00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,776 Bup-bup-bup-bup. 333 00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:05,738 If "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts, y... 334 00:15:05,821 --> 00:15:07,531 How did the rest of that go? 335 00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:09,408 Just promise you won't buy an air conditioner 336 00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:11,452 till we've figured out a way to help Lisa. 337 00:15:11,535 --> 00:15:13,495 All right, all right. I promise. 338 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,789 Must be another way to get an air conditioner. 339 00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:17,541 (engine humming) 340 00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,501 Mmm... 341 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,545 Re-circulated air. 342 00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:24,798 {\an8}(shivering mewing) 343 00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:28,928 Uh, Homer? 344 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:30,596 What, Flanders? 345 00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:33,641 Well, sir, I hate to be a suspicious Aloysius on you 346 00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:35,559 but did you steal my air conditioner? 347 00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:43,609 Well, I admit it looks bad, Flanders 348 00:15:43,692 --> 00:15:44,860 But haven't you heard of-- 349 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:48,197 "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone?" 350 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:49,198 Ow! 351 00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:50,658 Got him, Dad! 352 00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:51,992 (groans) 353 00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:55,329 And so, just as things looked their worst... 354 00:15:55,412 --> 00:15:57,331 I realized I could make money 355 00:15:57,414 --> 00:15:59,959 selling my medication to deadheads. 356 00:16:00,876 --> 00:16:02,419 Grampa, what are you talking about? 357 00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:04,421 Uh... Nothing. 358 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:05,756 As I was saying 359 00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:08,425 things couldn't be worse for Lisa or Bart. 360 00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:10,844 And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize 361 00:16:10,928 --> 00:16:12,846 it had grown into a beautiful swan. 362 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:15,724 So you see, children, there is hope for anyone. 363 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,017 -Even me? -No. 364 00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:21,021 (indistinct chatter) 365 00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:25,442 Uh... Hi. 366 00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:27,695 -Hi. -I have soy milk. 367 00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:30,531 {\an8}The doctor says the real kind could kill me. 368 00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:32,950 {\an8}I wish I was interesting like you. 369 00:16:33,033 --> 00:16:34,535 {\an8}(slurping) 370 00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:36,662 {\an8}(blows raspberry) 371 00:16:36,745 --> 00:16:39,873 {\an8}(laughing) You're funny. 372 00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:40,874 {\an8}I am? 373 00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:44,628 {\an8}Yeah... And the world needs a clown. 374 00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:46,630 {\an8}Hmm... 375 00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,215 (blowing raspberry) Doody. 376 00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:49,425 (blowing raspberry) Booger. 377 00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:51,093 (all laughing) 378 00:16:51,635 --> 00:16:54,138 Man, that is killer material! 379 00:16:54,221 --> 00:16:55,431 ♪ Skinner is a nut ♪ 380 00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:56,765 ♪ He has a rubber butt... ♪ 381 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,225 Young man, I can assure you 382 00:16:58,308 --> 00:17:00,978 my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone and... 383 00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:02,730 that metal plate I got in 'Nam. 384 00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:03,731 {\an8}(gulps) 385 00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:05,899 Now, I want you to knock off that potty talk right now. 386 00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:08,068 {\an8}The principal said potty! 387 00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,612 (all laughing) 388 00:17:12,489 --> 00:17:15,492 You listen to me, son. You've just started school 389 00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:16,618 and the path you choose now 390 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,246 may be the one you follow for the rest of your life. 391 00:17:19,329 --> 00:17:20,164 Now... 392 00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:22,249 what do you say? 393 00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:29,923 Eat my shorts. 394 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:32,259 All right, I'll eat... Eat your shorts? 395 00:17:32,342 --> 00:17:33,802 Yeah, eat my shorts! 396 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:34,803 ♪ Buttman ♪ 397 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,346 (humming "Batman" theme) 398 00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:37,806 ♪ Buttman ♪ 399 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,224 Buttman? 400 00:17:40,517 --> 00:17:41,643 (groans) 401 00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:46,607 (sobbing) He's the greatest showman since that kid who eats worms. 402 00:17:46,690 --> 00:17:50,569 (muffled) My fifteen minutes of fame are over. 403 00:17:50,652 --> 00:17:51,737 (gulps) 404 00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:53,447 HOMER: well, Moe, this is it. 405 00:17:53,530 --> 00:17:56,408 Today's the day I get my new air conditioner. 406 00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:57,659 Congratulations. 407 00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:58,827 {\an8}Who's the little chick? 408 00:17:58,911 --> 00:17:59,828 {\an8}I'm Lisa. 409 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,497 {\an8}She has a gift. 410 00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:04,291 {\an8}You have 13 pickled eggs in this jar. 411 00:18:04,374 --> 00:18:06,627 And one cockroach. 412 00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:08,337 (nervous chuckling) 413 00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:11,340 Who are you, sweetheart, the Health Inspector? 414 00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:12,758 No, but I am. 415 00:18:12,841 --> 00:18:13,842 Uh... 416 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:15,719 {\an8}Here, have a margarita. 417 00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:18,639 Uh, that's a parasol. 418 00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:30,943 (gasps) Ooh. 419 00:18:33,153 --> 00:18:34,530 Help us, Homer. 420 00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:37,074 Yeah, help us, you fat yutz. 421 00:18:37,157 --> 00:18:40,119 (gurgling) 422 00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:44,540 (laughing) 423 00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:47,793 Wow... 424 00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,635 A musical instrument? 425 00:18:56,718 --> 00:18:59,304 {\an8}Could that be a way to encourage a gifted child? 426 00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:01,265 Just give me a sign! 427 00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:06,603 Eh, works for me. 428 00:19:08,021 --> 00:19:09,148 (bell tingles) 429 00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:10,983 So, what do you like, Lisa? 430 00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:12,568 Viomalin? 431 00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:14,069 Tubamaba? 432 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:15,445 Obomoboe? 433 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:16,572 That one. 434 00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:19,700 Oh... Saxomophone. 435 00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:22,703 Two hundred dollars? 436 00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:32,171 Oh, I'll take it. 437 00:19:32,588 --> 00:19:34,173 (plays note) 438 00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:35,924 (giggling) 439 00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:40,762 Would you like an inscription, sir? 440 00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,890 Yeah. "To Lisa, 441 00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:46,226 never forget your daddy loves..." d'oh! 442 00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:49,479 ...and that inscription is still there today. 443 00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:54,651 {\an8}Wow. So that's how Lisa got her sax. 444 00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:58,530 {\an8}Next, I'll tell you the origin of Maggie's pacifier. 445 00:19:58,614 --> 00:19:59,448 What origin? 446 00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:02,117 We get them for a $1.95 down at the safeway. 447 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,952 But I really liked that story. 448 00:20:04,286 --> 00:20:06,371 But it still doesn't fix this. 449 00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:07,956 You know, Homer... 450 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,416 I think we have some money 451 00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:12,085 in the air conditioner account again, hmm? 452 00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:14,087 Oh... But, Marge, 453 00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:16,340 am I doomed to spend the rest of my life 454 00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:17,716 sweating like a pig? 455 00:20:17,799 --> 00:20:19,218 {\an8}Yeah, not to mention looking like a pig, 456 00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:20,469 {\an8}eating like a pig... 457 00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:22,221 Don't forget the smell. 458 00:20:22,304 --> 00:20:23,805 Will you get off my front lawn? 459 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:24,932 Why don't you make me? 460 00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:26,642 Why-- Oh, I give up. 461 00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:29,019 {\an8}Well, don't worry about me, Dad. 462 00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:31,813 {\an8}It's not how it looks, it's how it sounds. 463 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,857 {\an8}(plays squeaky note) 464 00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:35,025 {\an8}Oh... 465 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:40,072 MAN: Well, sir, we got a scorcher today. 466 00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:43,200 And to cool off, nothing beats Fruitopia-- 467 00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:45,494 the iced tea brewed by hippies, 468 00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:49,081 but distributed by a heartless multinational corporation. 469 00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:54,753 "Dear Lisa, may your new saxophone bring you years of... 470 00:20:54,836 --> 00:20:56,088 D'oh!" 471 00:20:56,546 --> 00:20:58,298 {\an8}(playing Saxophonsolo from "Baker Street") 472 00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:31,373 You're a good father. 473 00:21:31,456 --> 00:21:33,583 I learned from the master. 474 00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:36,545 Where's Maggie? 475 00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:39,172 Where's Maggie? 476 00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:40,799 I'm not kidding-- I can't see! 477 00:21:40,882 --> 00:21:43,218 My retinas have detached again. 478 00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:45,095 (both laughing) 479 00:21:46,388 --> 00:21:48,724 -He's blind as a bat. -That's right! 480 00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:51,018 That's true! 481 00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:54,271 (theme music playing in sax) 482 00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:28,972 HOMER: Lisa, enough saxamaphone already. 483 00:22:43,612 --> 00:22:45,072 {\an8}Captioned by Visual Data Media Services