1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,711
{\an8}(theme music playing)

2
00:00:02,794 --> 00:00:06,131
{\an8}<i>CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪</i>

3
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(bell ringing)

4
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(tires screeching)

5
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D'oh! (screams)

6
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(tires screeching)

7
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{\an8}(indistinct chatter)

8
00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:48,840
{\an8}Well, your cholesterol level

9
00:00:48,923 --> 00:00:50,717
{\an8}is lethally high, Homer,

10
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{\an8}but I'm more concerned
about your gravy level.

11
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{\an8}Now, wait a second.

12
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{\an8}You doctors
have been telling us

13
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{\an8}to drink eight glasses
of gravy a day.

14
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{\an8}(laughs)

15
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{\an8}Well, you're a little confused.

16
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{\an8}Oh, confused, would we?

17
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{\an8}OK, gentlemen.

18
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{\an8}I want you to raise your hand

19
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{\an8}when you hear the tone.

20
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{\an8}You can't tell me what to do.

21
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{\an8}(tone)

22
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{\an8}(louder tone)

23
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{\an8}Nothing yet.

24
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{\an8}(louder tone)

25
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{\an8}(people grunting)

26
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{\an8}Now, make no mistake.

27
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{\an8}When I say "first aid,"

28
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{\an8}I'm not talking about some sort
of charity rock concert.

29
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{\an8}(laughing)

30
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{\an8}I'm talking about
treating serious injuries.

31
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{\an8}(laughing)

32
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{\an8}(chuckles)

33
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{\an8}Serious injuries.

34
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{\an8}Oh, that's gold.

35
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{\an8}(woodenly) Mom. Mom.

36
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,444
{\an8}I stepped in a bear trap.

37
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{\an8}Sounds like you need
some first aid.

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{\an8}(murmuring agreement)

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-Bravo.
-All right.

40
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(grunts)

41
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{\an8}Come on.
You can't do one sit-up?

42
00:02:06,751 --> 00:02:09,087
{\an8}(panting) I loved your last
McBain movie,

43
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{\an8}Mr. Wolfcastle.

44
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{\an8}Quit stalling, fatty.

45
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(inhaling)

46
00:02:17,762 --> 00:02:19,764
We can wait.

47
00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:23,268
-(exhales)
-Come to papa.

48
00:02:25,895 --> 00:02:27,814
-(grunting)
-Come on.

49
00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:30,692
Even my fat mama
can touch her toes.

50
00:02:30,775 --> 00:02:32,694
-(cloth tearing)
-Hey, Bart.

51
00:02:32,777 --> 00:02:34,696
We wear the same underpants.

52
00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:40,243
<i>Results from yesterday's</i>
<i>health fair are in</i>

53
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,287
<i>and the news is not good.</i>

54
00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:44,164
<i>Springfield is in terrible shape,</i>

55
00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:46,207
<i>particularly our young boys.</i>

56
00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:47,417
(grunting)

57
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:48,501
(cloth tearing)

58
00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:50,086
(laughing)

59
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,296
Hey, tubby.

60
00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:54,507
Want another pop-tart, tubby?

61
00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:56,134
I'm comfortable with who I am.

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(muffled) You're a disgrace
to this family.

63
00:02:58,595 --> 00:02:59,512
<i>In this reporter's opinion,</i>

64
00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:02,307
<i>it's time for our</i>
<i>lard-laden lads to shape up,</i>

65
00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:05,560
<i>get out and try fun activities,</i>
<i>like military service,</i>

66
00:03:05,643 --> 00:03:07,103
<i>frenetic dancing,</i>

67
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,023
<i>or good, old-fashioned</i>
<i>peewee football.</i>

68
00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:11,191
There you go, Bart.

69
00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:12,859
Peewee football will melt away

70
00:03:12,942 --> 00:03:14,611
those unsightly
pounds and inches.

71
00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:16,571
{\an8}Yeah, but I could get seriously hurt.

72
00:03:16,654 --> 00:03:18,198
Then it's settled.

73
00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:21,159
We don't have to play football,
do we, Daddy?

74
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:23,244
(chuckles)
You betcha.

75
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:24,871
Team sports will keep you away

76
00:03:24,954 --> 00:03:27,665
from temptations
like rock music and girls.

77
00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:29,584
(cheering)

78
00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:31,002
You know, Milhouse,

79
00:03:31,085 --> 00:03:32,879
you are getting
a little doughy.

80
00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:35,924
Aw!
Can't I just have the surgery?

81
00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:42,555
He's going to need a...

82
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,891
You know-- protection.

83
00:03:44,974 --> 00:03:46,517
Sure. One helmet coming up.

84
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:50,355
I was thinking more like
protection for...

85
00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:51,898
(quietly) Down there.

86
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:53,399
Oh, why didn't you say so?

87
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Knee pads. You got it.

88
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(nervous laugh)

89
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,072
I'm talking about his...

90
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(mutters) Personal area.

91
00:04:00,448 --> 00:04:03,493
Aha! Say no more.
I read you loud and clear.

92
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:05,328
The old shoulder pads.

93
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:08,581
Look, I want a cup!

94
00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:10,458
"Cup"? Could you spell that?

95
00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:13,002
C-U-P.

96
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,754
I want a C-U...

97
00:04:14,837 --> 00:04:16,673
Oh, my God!

98
00:04:22,178 --> 00:04:24,472
OK, Milhouse,
let's try out the new cup.

99
00:04:24,555 --> 00:04:25,932
-(grunts)
-(laughs)

100
00:04:26,015 --> 00:04:26,975
Again!

101
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:30,520
-(grunts)
-(yawns)

102
00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:32,272
(grunting)

103
00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:34,649
MARGE: Milhouse, stop that!

104
00:04:38,736 --> 00:04:40,321
-(grunts)
-A little higher, Wendell.

105
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:42,407
-(grunts)
-(chuckles)

106
00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:44,575
-A lot higher, Martin.
-RALPH: (grunts)

107
00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,911
Uh, Ralph, that's a basketball.

108
00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:48,955
(grunts)

109
00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:50,498
(gasps)

110
00:04:50,581 --> 00:04:52,667
OK, Nelson's our quarterback.

111
00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:54,252
Thanks, four-eyes.

112
00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:56,629
Ralph, you'll be
on special teams.

113
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I'm special!

114
00:04:58,506 --> 00:05:00,216
And, uh, Bart,
you'll be a tackle.

115
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,426
Cool!

116
00:05:01,509 --> 00:05:02,760
(grunts)

117
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:05,096
Careful, Bart!
You'll break my calculator--

118
00:05:05,179 --> 00:05:06,639
By which, I mean my head.

119
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:08,808
LISA: What position
have you got for me?

120
00:05:08,891 --> 00:05:10,351
BOYS: What? Huh?

121
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:11,436
That's right.

122
00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:13,688
A girl wants to play football.

123
00:05:13,771 --> 00:05:15,064
How about that?

124
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,524
Well, that's super duper, Lisa.

125
00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:19,027
In fact, we already have
four girls on the team.

126
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,487
-You do?
-Uh-huh,

127
00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:23,489
but we'd love
to have you on board.

128
00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:24,866
Well...

129
00:05:24,949 --> 00:05:27,535
Football's not really my thing.

130
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:29,871
After all,

131
00:05:29,954 --> 00:05:31,539
what civilized person
would play a game

132
00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:33,207
with the skin
of an innocent pig?

133
00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:36,252
(chuckles) Well, actually, Lisa,
these balls are synthetic.

134
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,462
{\an8}And for every ball we buy,

135
00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:39,756
{\an8}a dollar goes
to Amnesty International.

136
00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:41,924
I've got to go.

137
00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:48,973
Who are we?

138
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:50,641
The Wildcats!

139
00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:52,310
Who are we gonna beat?

140
00:05:52,393 --> 00:05:54,145
The Wildcats.

141
00:05:54,228 --> 00:05:55,730
Hey, Flanders!

142
00:05:55,813 --> 00:05:58,274
You're the worst coach
this team has ever had!

143
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,943
He's the only coach
this team has ever had,

144
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:03,571
and the season hasn't
even started yet.

145
00:06:03,654 --> 00:06:04,864
Yeah, well...

146
00:06:04,947 --> 00:06:06,866
He's wearing that hat
like an idiot.

147
00:06:06,949 --> 00:06:09,786
You know, Homer,
it's very easy to criticize.

148
00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:10,787
Fun, too.

149
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,082
All right, Wildcats,
are you ready to give 110%,

150
00:06:14,165 --> 00:06:15,416
take it one game at a time

151
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,418
and go the whole nine yards?

152
00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:19,754
Yeah! Nine yards!

153
00:06:19,837 --> 00:06:22,256
Okely-dokely.
Let's put on our game faces.

154
00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:25,551
(indistinct chatter)

155
00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:31,933
(grunts)

156
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:33,935
Got it.

157
00:06:35,853 --> 00:06:38,314
Gimme the ball,
and your lunch money.

158
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:44,070
I love this game.

159
00:06:44,153 --> 00:06:46,906
(cheering, whistling)

160
00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:55,081
Ooh! He's quite
a little dancer.

161
00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:56,916
Oh, you got lucky, Flanders.

162
00:06:56,999 --> 00:06:58,376
And fix that hat!

163
00:06:58,459 --> 00:07:00,962
Yeah. Thanks
for the tip, Homer.

164
00:07:03,172 --> 00:07:05,633
OK, Simpson, you're blocking
for me on this play.

165
00:07:05,716 --> 00:07:07,051
All right!

166
00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:09,011
(growls)

167
00:07:10,346 --> 00:07:11,514
Oops.

168
00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:15,017
Hut-hut, hike-hike, hut!

169
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:16,561
(grunts)

170
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,897
It's clobberin' time.

171
00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:22,483
(grunting)

172
00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:27,613
You OK, Bart?

173
00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:29,240
(squeaks) Yeah.

174
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:33,202
-(whistles)
-(cheering)

175
00:07:35,913 --> 00:07:37,957
I'm special!

176
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,417
(gasps) (laughs)

177
00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:42,587
(cheering)

178
00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:43,713
Eh, big deal.

179
00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:46,924
I been carried out of Moe's
like that hundreds of times.

180
00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:52,221
Yeah, I'm telling you,
Flanders can't coach at all.

181
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,640
Now, I'm not the type to have
a grudge for no reason...

182
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:57,018
Sir, if I could
just break in for a moment.

183
00:07:57,101 --> 00:07:58,144
<i>HOMER: Yes, Roy?</i>

184
00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:00,480
Do you have a question
for Sandy Koufax?

185
00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:04,192
Yes. Mr. Koufax, don't you think
Flanders is a big jerk?

186
00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:07,570
-(line disconnects)
-Y'ello? Y'ello?

187
00:08:07,653 --> 00:08:09,280
(keypad beeping)

188
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:11,949
Yeah. Homer again.
I think we got cut off.

189
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:13,367
-(line disconnects)
-Y'ello?

190
00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:15,620
(keypad beeping)

191
00:08:15,703 --> 00:08:17,663
BOY: 5F03, hut!

192
00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:19,790
(all grunting)

193
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,126
(audience cheering)

194
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:27,965
Flan-ders!

195
00:08:28,382 --> 00:08:31,636
Flan-ders!

196
00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:32,803
What?

197
00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:36,182
Flan-ders!

198
00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:37,725
What? What is it?

199
00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:38,809
Game's out there.

200
00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:40,895
(laughing)
Made you look.

201
00:08:40,978 --> 00:08:43,064
(grumbling)

202
00:08:43,147 --> 00:08:44,899
They're just words, Neddy.

203
00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:46,567
Words can't hurt you.

204
00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:48,986
Ow! That's it!

205
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:51,030
{\an8}Dad, that was really mean.

206
00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:52,114
I know, sweetie,

207
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,908
and I got him right
in the... Uh-oh.

208
00:08:57,161 --> 00:08:58,579
{\an8}(nervous chuckle)

209
00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:00,498
{\an8}H-hi, Flanders.

210
00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:01,874
{\an8}(quietly) Go, Wildcats.

211
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:04,794
Do you have a problem
with the way I'm coaching?

212
00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:05,962
{\an8}No, no, no, no, no.

213
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:09,131
{\an8}It's just that, well,
like I was yelling earlier,

214
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:11,384
{\an8}it seems like anyone
with half a brain

215
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:12,969
{\an8}could coach better than you.

216
00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:14,720
Uh-huh! Half a brain, huh?

217
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:15,846
Well, you know what?

218
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,307
It sounds like you
just volunteered.

219
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:21,310
Me? But you were doing
such a great job.

220
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,148
(groans)

221
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:29,068
(yelling)

222
00:09:29,151 --> 00:09:30,778
You're not going
to make the team

223
00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:32,196
with that kind of attitude.

224
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,574
{\an8}I don't want to make the team.

225
00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:37,243
Then why are you running
the obstacle course?

226
00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:40,705
Are you wearing
my self-defense whistle?

227
00:09:40,788 --> 00:09:42,039
You never use it.

228
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,417
-(grumbles)
-(whistling)

229
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:45,585
Good morning, everybody.

230
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,461
Wipe that smile off your face.

231
00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:48,713
What did I do?

232
00:09:48,796 --> 00:09:50,131
I'm tired
of watching you dog it

233
00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:51,465
on that football field.

234
00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:53,843
From now on, I'm going
to work you like a dog.

235
00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:55,469
Now, go fetch me 20 laps.

236
00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:57,722
-Oh, man.
-Do it.

237
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:02,184
You shouldn't pressure Bart
like that.

238
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:03,686
Well, if you know a better way

239
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:05,313
for me to live through my son,

240
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:06,606
I'd like to hear it.

241
00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:09,734
(panting)

242
00:10:09,817 --> 00:10:11,110
I knew it.

243
00:10:11,193 --> 00:10:13,404
Slowing down already, huh?

244
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:14,947
How can you treat him that way?

245
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:18,117
Don't you remember
how bad your father made you feel

246
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,910
when you played sports?

247
00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:26,208
Well, that's the end
of the girls' floor exercise.

248
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,544
Now, let's bring on the men!

249
00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:31,464
Wish me luck, Dad.

250
00:10:31,547 --> 00:10:34,258
Just don't screw up
like you always do.

251
00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:41,724
("Music Box Dancer" playing)

252
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:52,902
Wow! He's dy-no-mite!

253
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:55,738
What's his name again?

254
00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:57,573
(inhales sharply)

255
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:01,702
You're going to blow it!

256
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,413
(gasping)

257
00:11:05,581 --> 00:11:06,999
Ah!

258
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:10,086
That's what I get
for havin' faith in ya.

259
00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:16,008
{\an8}(sadly) Oh, my father
never believed in me.

260
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:19,679
Well, I'm not going
to make the same mistake.

261
00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:22,682
From now on, I'm going
to be kinder to my son

262
00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:24,308
and meaner to my dad.

263
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:25,685
Quit running, son.

264
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,853
I just want
to give you a big hug.

265
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:29,438
<i>BART: It's got to be a trick.</i>
<i>Run like the wind.</i>

266
00:11:29,897 --> 00:11:30,898
I believe in you!

267
00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:32,650
Hug me!

268
00:11:32,733 --> 00:11:35,653
(grunting)

269
00:11:35,736 --> 00:11:37,279
Will you hug me?

270
00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:39,156
Hug me!

271
00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:44,161
(whistle blows)
Good practice, team.

272
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:47,873
OK, it's time for the easiest part
of any coach's job--

273
00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:49,166
The cuts.

274
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:51,836
Now, while I wasn't able
to cut everyone I wanted to,

275
00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:53,713
I have cut a lot of you.

276
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,256
Wendell is cut.

277
00:11:55,339 --> 00:11:56,716
Rudy is cut.

278
00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:58,050
Janey, you're gone.

279
00:11:58,134 --> 00:11:59,802
Steven, I like your hustle.

280
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:01,804
That's why it was
so hard to cut you.

281
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:05,057
Congratulations.
The rest of you made the team.

282
00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:06,767
(all sigh)

283
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:08,018
Except you, you and you.

284
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:10,896
Bart didn't get cut.

285
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,898
What a surprise.

286
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:14,734
Now, just because
I'm his father,

287
00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:16,986
he'll get no special treatment.

288
00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:19,947
He calls me "coach"
just like everyone else,

289
00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:23,617
which he'll be doing
as our new starting quarterback.

290
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:24,702
What? Get out of here!

291
00:12:24,785 --> 00:12:27,329
Aw, man! No way!

292
00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:29,248
What a rip!

293
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:31,250
-But, coach...
-What is it, sweetie?

294
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,793
{\an8}Nelson's a great quarterback.

295
00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:34,295
{\an8}He's carrying this team.

296
00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:36,589
ALL: Yeah, that's right.

297
00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:37,757
Not anymore.

298
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,176
From now on,
you're my main man.

299
00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:41,552
OK, now, everyone,

300
00:12:41,635 --> 00:12:43,929
give me five laps
and hit the showers.

301
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:46,390
Oh, Rod, you don't have to.
You're cut.

302
00:12:49,393 --> 00:12:50,519
{\an8}BART:
But I can't play quarterback.

303
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:51,771
I don't even know how.

304
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:54,190
Son, you can do
anything you want.

305
00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:56,734
I have total faith in you.

306
00:12:56,817 --> 00:12:58,903
{\an8}-Since when?
-Since your mother yelled at me.

307
00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:00,446
-Now, how about that hug?
-(tires screech)

308
00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:01,947
Dad, the car!

309
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:03,157
I got it.

310
00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:07,244
Good luck, Homer.

311
00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:08,454
No hard feelings.

312
00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:10,790
Not so easy
to keep your mouth shut now,

313
00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:11,916
is it, Flanders?

314
00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:15,127
{\an8}Ready, set, hut!

315
00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:16,128
Hut!

316
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:17,671
(grunt)

317
00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,089
{\an8}(screams)

318
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:25,805
It's OK, son.

319
00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:27,139
You'll do better next time.

320
00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:31,018
No, please, Bart, don't!

321
00:13:31,101 --> 00:13:32,812
Ooh!

322
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:34,396
Help. Help, help.

323
00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:36,982
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

324
00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:38,234
Look at him go!

325
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:39,610
No, no. Uh.

326
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:43,989
Excellent poise, son.

327
00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:46,867
You panicked,
but you didn't lose your cool.

328
00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:48,244
{\an8}(groans)

329
00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:51,163
Bart, over here! Come on!

330
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,290
(all yelling)

331
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:56,418
Just throw it, doofus.

332
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,006
Aw, crap.

333
00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:05,511
Great debut, son.

334
00:14:05,594 --> 00:14:08,013
You really settled in
after some early jitters.

335
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:09,849
{\an8}Are you kidding? I reeked.

336
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:11,100
Oh, really?

337
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:14,395
Do reeky players
get the game ball?

338
00:14:14,478 --> 00:14:17,147
Hey, everybody,
let's hear it for Bart!

339
00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:21,819
Give me a "B"?

340
00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:23,487
I won't give you a "B",

341
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:25,698
but I'll tear you a new "A."

342
00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:29,410
If I wasn't your friend,
I'd tell you you sucked.

343
00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:32,246
You ruined
our undefeated season.

344
00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:34,582
You ruined everything, ruiner!

345
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:36,709
My sister likes you.

346
00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:38,460
Listen here, daddy's boy.

347
00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:42,214
You cost us one more game,
and you're dead.

348
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,676
You're going to heaven.

349
00:14:55,853 --> 00:14:56,896
Oh!

350
00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,148
Oh, it's going
to take a miracle

351
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:01,150
for me to become
a good quarterback.

352
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,443
(gate creaking)

353
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:05,029
Excuse me, son.

354
00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:06,906
Wow, Joe Namath!

355
00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:09,658
That's right. My car broke
down in front of your house.

356
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,411
I cannot believe you are here.

357
00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:14,413
Do you think maybe
you could give me some pointers?

358
00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:17,625
Sure. There's only one thing
you need to know

359
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:19,627
to be a great quarterback.

360
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:22,463
-(car engine revving)
-WOMAN: Joe, honey, I fixed it.

361
00:15:22,546 --> 00:15:23,797
It was just vapor lock.

362
00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:26,300
Ah. Oops.
Hey, look, I got to run.

363
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:29,553
Remember what I told you.

364
00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:32,306
OK, Bart, concentrate.

365
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:36,936
NAMATH:
<i>Remember what I told you.</i>

366
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,812
<i>Just one thing.</i>

367
00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:40,397
<i>My car broke down.</i>

368
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:41,607
<i>I'm Joe Namath.</i>

369
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:43,317
<i>My car broke down.</i>

370
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,361
<i>WOMAN: It was just vapor lock.</i>

371
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:48,614
<i>Vapor lock... Vapor lock...</i>
<i>Vapor lock.</i>

372
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:51,158
I'm dead.

373
00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:54,161
So if I play, the guys
are going to kill me.

374
00:15:54,244 --> 00:15:56,246
If I don't, I'll be
letting Homer down.

375
00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:57,581
What am I going to do?

376
00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,667
Well, I know you don't want
to disappoint Dad,

377
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:02,294
but how do you feel
about lying to him?

378
00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:03,629
Good.

379
00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:04,838
Oh, you guys are so cut.

380
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,886
Dad, I got some bad news.

381
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,472
Oh, your mother's not pregnant,
is she?

382
00:16:13,555 --> 00:16:16,600
{\an8}No. I got hit
by a couple of cars.

383
00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:17,851
I won't be able to play today.

384
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:19,436
BOTH: Yes!

385
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,355
Oh, boy.

386
00:16:21,438 --> 00:16:23,649
Well, I'll just have to go
to my backup plan.

387
00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:25,359
Nelson, how's your arm feeling?

388
00:16:25,442 --> 00:16:26,610
-Great!
-Good.

389
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:28,445
Take this note
over to the referee.

390
00:16:28,862 --> 00:16:30,406
"We forfeit"?

391
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,324
Forfeit? What?

392
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:33,826
Come on. Oh, man.

393
00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:36,203
Come on, guys.
We can't play without Bart.

394
00:16:36,286 --> 00:16:38,163
He's the heart of this team.

395
00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:39,999
No, I'm not. I suck.

396
00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:42,084
It's true. He does.

397
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:43,585
(all agreeing)
Yeah, he does. Yeah.

398
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,295
Don't listen to them, son.

399
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:46,922
I have total faith in you.

400
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:48,424
(grunts)

401
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:49,967
You don't get it, do you?

402
00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:52,344
I don't want to be
your stupid quarterback.

403
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:53,470
{\an8}I quit!

404
00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:55,264
What?

405
00:16:55,347 --> 00:16:56,849
{\an8}Well, I got news for you,
mister.

406
00:16:57,349 --> 00:16:58,267
You can't quit.

407
00:16:58,350 --> 00:16:59,476
You're cut!

408
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:00,561
You, too, Milhouse.

409
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:02,396
All right!

410
00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,235
(munching)

411
00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:14,908
So, like I said,

412
00:17:14,992 --> 00:17:18,370
I've never had a tick
burrow in so deep.

413
00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:20,914
Little guy's just
got a mind of his own.

414
00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:22,791
Mom, please! We're eating.

415
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,960
Well, at least
I'm making conversation.

416
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,462
May I be excused, Mom?

417
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:28,422
Oh, so now
you're quitting dinner, too.

418
00:17:28,505 --> 00:17:29,882
Homer, please.

419
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:31,925
I didn't raise him
to be a quitter, Marge.

420
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:33,135
It must have been you.

421
00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:35,137
You quit every job
you've ever had--

422
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:38,223
Cop, pretzel vendor,
church counselor,

423
00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:39,266
professional gambler...

424
00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:41,226
He's doing
what he thinks is best.

425
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:46,106
Well, if quitting is the best,
maybe I should just quit my job.

426
00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:50,319
Ahoy-hoy?

427
00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:53,197
Mr. Burns,
this is Homer J. Simpson,

428
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,491
the father of the big quitter.

429
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:59,161
Well, I just wanted to tell you
I'm a big quitter, too,

430
00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:01,080
and I quit.

431
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:05,459
MARGE: Homer, Mr. Burns
can't see you winking.

432
00:18:05,542 --> 00:18:07,419
So? (shrieks)

433
00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:08,796
NELSON: Yellow, 25, hut!

434
00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:11,340
Go long!

435
00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:13,342
-Go long!
-(other boys grunting)

436
00:18:13,717 --> 00:18:15,636
Aw, hell, I'll do it myself.

437
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:19,932
(crowd cheering)

438
00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:25,229
(heavily panting)

439
00:18:25,312 --> 00:18:26,897
I got to quit smoking.

440
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:31,318
We drove 2,000 miles for this?

441
00:18:31,401 --> 00:18:33,278
We're in the championship.

442
00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:35,280
Way to go, team!

443
00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:37,574
Gee, thanks, coach.

444
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:39,701
(motorcycle revving)

445
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:40,953
Great game, son.

446
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:43,497
Come on, I'm taking
you to hooters.

447
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:45,541
Aw, I don't want
to bother Mom at work.

448
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:51,296
Well, Bart, looks like
it's just you and...

449
00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:53,132
Oh.

450
00:18:59,888 --> 00:19:01,390
FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE:
<i>I'll scratch you.</i>

451
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:03,183
<i>The hair! The hair!</i>

452
00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:04,977
<i>-Slut!</i>
<i>-Loser!</i>

453
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,354
<i>Skank! Skank! Skank!</i>

454
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:11,775
I'm feeling kind of low, Apu.

455
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:14,444
Got any of that beer
that has candy floating in it?

456
00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:15,612
You know, Skittlebrau.

457
00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:17,531
{\an8}Such a product
does not exist, sir.

458
00:19:17,614 --> 00:19:19,950
{\an8}I think
you must have dreamed it.

459
00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:22,119
Oh. Well, then just
give me a six-pack

460
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:23,787
and a couple of bags
of Skittles.

461
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,464
Hello, son.

462
00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:36,341
I want to apologize.

463
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:38,719
I just got so caught up
trying to encourage you,

464
00:19:38,802 --> 00:19:41,763
I was blinded
to your stinky performance.

465
00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:43,599
If you forgive me

466
00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:47,269
I promise I'll never
encourage you again.

467
00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:51,732
I've got lots of quarters.

468
00:19:53,942 --> 00:19:55,736
This thing only takes dollars.

469
00:19:55,819 --> 00:19:57,154
Aw...

470
00:20:00,115 --> 00:20:02,201
You know, tomorrow's
the championship game

471
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:05,037
and I could sure use
a good offensive tackle.

472
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,705
I thought Uter took my place.

473
00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:08,248
Consider him cut.

474
00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:13,003
(grunts)

475
00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:18,884
MARGE: Wow!

476
00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:21,762
Homer coaching
in the championship game.

477
00:20:21,845 --> 00:20:23,889
You must be pretty proud
of your son.

478
00:20:23,972 --> 00:20:25,849
You'd think so, wouldn't you?

479
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:29,770
(snoring)

480
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:32,522
Time for one last play, coach.

481
00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:33,649
{\an8}Hold on, I'm working it out.

482
00:20:37,152 --> 00:20:39,196
{\an8}OK. Half of you vibrate
that way,

483
00:20:39,279 --> 00:20:40,280
two of you fall down...

484
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,157
Nelson, you just spin around
in a circle.

485
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:45,118
(siren wailing)

486
00:20:46,662 --> 00:20:48,872
All right, I've got
an arrest warrant here

487
00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:50,499
for Nelson Muntz.

488
00:20:50,582 --> 00:20:53,293
Uh, which one
of you little punks is Muntz?

489
00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:54,836
Oh, no, my quarterback!

490
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:55,963
What are we going to do?

491
00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:58,173
{\an8}It's OK, Dad.
I can fill in for Nelson.

492
00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,675
Are you sure, son?

493
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:02,594
{\an8}I knew I could count on you.

494
00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:10,060
(boys grunting)

495
00:21:10,143 --> 00:21:11,561
(cheering)

496
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:16,233
(snoring)

497
00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:19,111
(laughs) (gasps)

498
00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:24,700
So, what's the charge, chief?
Vandalism? Smoking?

499
00:21:24,783 --> 00:21:26,410
You know what you did, Muntz--

500
00:21:26,493 --> 00:21:27,661
Burglary and arson.

501
00:21:27,744 --> 00:21:30,497
You're going away
for a long time.

502
00:21:30,580 --> 00:21:31,748
Wha...

503
00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:34,376
-(siren wails)
-(chuckling)

504
00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:35,419
Poor Bart.

505
00:21:35,502 --> 00:21:37,754
You know,
we had a lot of fun tonight,

506
00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:41,758
but there's nothing funny
about... Vapor lock.

507
00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:45,137
It's the third most
common cause of car stallings,

508
00:21:45,220 --> 00:21:49,516
so, please, take care
of your car and get it checked.

509
00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:51,310
I'm Joe Namath.

510
00:21:51,393 --> 00:21:52,728
Good night.

511
00:21:55,063 --> 00:21:57,357
HOMER: <i>Scully, you're cut.</i>

512
00:21:57,441 --> 00:22:00,485
<i>Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon,</i>
<i>you're all cut.</i>

513
00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:01,862
<i>Castellaneta, gone.</i>

514
00:22:01,945 --> 00:22:05,324
<i>Kavner, cut. Can'twright, cut.</i>
<i>Smith, sorry. Cut.</i>

515
00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:07,951
<i>Azaria and Shearer, you're cut.</i>
<i>Firestone, you're cut.</i>

516
00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:10,329
<i>So is Judge. Namath, you stay.</i>

517
00:22:11,079 --> 00:22:12,789
<i>All of those people are cut.</i>

518
00:22:13,373 --> 00:22:15,917
<i>Bill Schultz and Wolf</i>
<i>and Silverman. Goldfreyer.</i>

519
00:22:16,001 --> 00:22:18,086
<i>O'Brlen, Doyle, Selman,</i>
<i>I don't know what you--</i>

520
00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:21,173
<i>Elliott, l-I don't know what you're</i>
<i>doing here because you're all cut.</i>

521
00:22:21,256 --> 00:22:24,468
<i>Pietlla, Bridge</i>
<i>and "Kuwawahawa."</i>

522
00:22:26,428 --> 00:22:29,014
<i>Now there's so many cuts here--</i>
<i>look, I'll just post 'em up</i>

523
00:22:29,097 --> 00:22:30,724
<i>and you just see</i>
<i>where your name is.</i>

524
00:22:31,224 --> 00:22:32,893
<i>Ooh, look at how many cuts</i>
<i>there are there.</i>

525
00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:35,937
<i>Oh, boy! You're cut!</i>
<i>All of you!</i>

526
00:22:38,482 --> 00:22:40,233
<i>He's cut. I cut you!</i>

527
00:22:41,318 --> 00:22:43,570
-Shh!
-HOMER: <i>You're cut too, shushy!</i>

528
00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:48,617
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