(theme music playing)
CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(tires screeching)
D'oh!
(screams)
Whoop. Oop. (screaming)
(thuds)
Good evening. I'm Kent Brockman.
Our top story: hunks, and lots of them
and all to raise money
for the Springfield Fire Department
to buy a fire engine so they can get to fires.
Lazy bums.
Yeah, why don't we buy them mink stoles while we're at it?
(laughing) Yeah. Good one.
And now, let's hear it for our celebrity auctioneer--
Krusty.
ALL: What? Who? Who's that?
(murmuring continues)
The clown.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
(applauding)
(cheering)
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey, hey!
Heh?
No, I ain't reading that.
No, not that, either.
OK, let's bring on our first bachelor.
(cheering)
All right, ladies, this sexy fellow
describes himself as "a big, thirsty teddy bear."
Say hello to Barney Gumbel.
OK, now, what am I bid?
Hey, now, I got zero, I got no bid here. I got zero.
I'm standing at zero.
Anybody want to go higher than zero?
I got zero right now.
OK, over there? No, zero.
I got nada, zilch. I got bupkes.
I got zero. Nothing. Hey.
Poor Barney.
(sighs)
This lot is withdrawn.
(belches)
(music starts again)
Come on!
He likes sunsets-- what more do you want?
Arr.
I'm... not attractive.
The last bachelor likes women
who take their clothes off for money.
Let's hear it for Moe.
Why do we have to stand here?
This is so humiliating.
Aren't there any good bachelors in this town?
Ah, we're never going to get that fire engine.
Well, I guess that's it, folks.
♪ Had some laughs ♪
♪ Killed some time ♪
Apu, you're a bachelor. Get up there.
Oh, no, no. please, I am nothing special.
Don't be shy. Excuse me.
Excuse me. We have one more bachelor.
♪ Cash the check... ♪
-What? -Just tell them about yourself.
Oh, um... (clears throat)
Well, I have a doctorate in Computer Science.
-Oh. -Sounds pretty good to me.
Um... I run my own business, of course.
Well. Well, now.
I do like to cook.
I'm not much of a talker, but I love to listen,
and in my leisure time, I like to build furniture
and then, to have a discussion
about where it could be placed in a room.
-Now you're talking. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Fifty dollars. -Seventy-five.
You better have enough to pay my alimony, Luann!
-Three hundred. -Three-fifty.
Nine hundred and twenty-six.
Sold, to the five desperate chicks.
Whoo! All right, We got him! Woof!
Holy molly!
Well, look who's the ladies man.
Come on...
(goofy giggling)
I had a great time, Apu.
And thanks for winning wubbsy.
I had no idea you were such a great shot.
Oh, yes. all Kwik-e-mart managers
must be skilled in the deadly arts.
Oh.
Oh. That date will not be easy to top,
but we shall see.
(honking)
Anybody up for some clog dancing?
Why don't you try and stop me?
(tires screeching)
"This is just
a note to say I think about you every day
and when I get you all alone..."
Well, it gets a little bit personal here.
I understand...
Yoink!
-Wow. -I know.
-Whoa! -Tell me about it.
(lustful moaning)
Oh. Here's one from my mother.
Ooh. Let's see what she wrote. (lustful growling)
-(screams) -You hate lotus flowers, too?
Don't get me started on lotus flowers.
No, no, it is the sign
that it is time for my arranged marriage.
Oh, well, congratulations.
No, no. Don't you know what it means?
Not... really.
It all happened shortly after my eighth birthday.
OK, here we go.
Ten goats and an electric fan?
You call that a dowry?
OK, we will throw in a textile factory
but only because Manjula is getting on in years.
Then it is agreed.
Your third daughter will marry our first son.
It is done.
Oh, I cannot get married.
I'm just beginning to enjoy my bachelorhood.
(sighs) What am I going to do?
Tell her the truth, you're not ready to get married.
No, no. You do not know Mother.
She will never quit until I am married.
Then just tell her you're already married.
No. I cannot lie to my mother.
Then get married.
What the hell do you want from me?
Yes, that is right, Mother. I already got married.
Why did not I bother to tell you?
Well... uh...
the reason is, um...
Well, I guess I... I didn't think you'd understand.
Oh, got to go. Bye-bye-bye. I love you, love you.
(kissing)
It worked. It worked.
The lie has set me free.
♪ Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
♪ Check it and see ♪
♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪
♪ Come on, baby, do you do more than dance? ♪
♪ I'm hot-blooded, I'm hot-blooded ♪
♪ You don't have to read my mind ♪
♪ To know what I have in mind ♪
(song fades)
Loser.
(gasps)
Five hundred dollars.
Apu, wake up.
I want to buy a yodel and this lottery ticket.
I have... this much.
I'm sorry. You do not have enough for both.
Oh. Ooh... Ooh... Oh...
Yodel.
(cash register rings)
(yawning)
Late night, huh?
I'm not the type to kiss and tell, sir,
but listen to this...
(screams)
Oh, you dog.
It is my mother.
Oh, no. Oh, no. What am I going to do?
What's the big problem?
Don't you see? She is here to meet my wife.
The wife that I told her I had.
Ah! I do not have a wife.
Then maybe you shouldn't have said told her you did.
Oh. She's going to be here any second.
(grunts)
Oh, yes! That will buy me some time.
Mm. Homer, you've got to help me.
(munching) OK.
Seems to me...
(clearing throat)
What you ought to do is, um...
What, what, what, what, what?
Well... you could always move into my house
and tell your mom that Marge is your wife.
Is it me, or do your plans always involve
some horrible web of lies?
-It's you. (door opens)
Welcome to the Kwik-e-mart.
May I help... (gasps) Mother!
What are you doing here?
I have come to meet this wife of yours.
And meet her you shall.
It is a very reasonable request that can easily be granted
-in a timely and efficient... -Let's go.
And we shall because it is in the going that we...
Tat-tat-tat-tat-tat.
Oh... that yodel was so good.
-I wish I was eating it right now. -(car door opens)
Oh, crap! I forgot!
Marge, I need a small favor.
For the next few days, will you pretend to be Apu's wife?
-What? -(doorbell rings)
Please. It's just for as long as his mother's living here.
What?
Honey, I am in my home.
(nervous chuckle)
(groans)
Oh...
How was your day...
sweetheart?
Can you feel the love?
Mother, I would like for you to meet
my darling wife for many, many good years,
M... Marge.
Hello. so, what brings you to America?
I have come to see the woman
for whom Apu was willing to disgrace his family
and spit on his culture.
Oh.
Here I am!
OK. Gotta run.
Apu, I'm sure you want to get upstairs
and fix that broken toilet before Marge yells at you again.
I'm just so honored to have you here in our home.
Thank you. and having met you
let me say how deeply, deeply disappointed I am.
Apu, your arranged bride, Manjula
is a sweet, refined, chaste woman.
Are you nuts?
Mother, come on. You know that
one out of every 25 arranged marriages
ends in divorce.
Oh, Bart and Lisa!
You remember your father, Apu.
Well, this is your father Apu's mother.
-Oh! -Oh!
-Hi. -Hi.
I cannot believe you did not tell me
I had two grandchildren.
(sucking)
But you can't leave.
We're scamming an old lady at my house
and I need a place to hide out.
Sorry, Homer.
I've been planning this vacation for years.
I'm finally going to see Easter Island.
Oh, right, with the giant heads.
With the what, now?
-(snoring) -Hey, Dad,
I've come to spend some time with my favorite father.
Baloney!
You came here to put me in a home!
You're already in a home.
Oh, how could you?
Abraham Simpson.
Cornelius Talmadge.
Oh, no, I'm not...
Oh, well, let's see what you got here.
The pink ones keep you from screaming.
All right, folks, it's supper time.
Supper at 4:00?
Oh-ho, what a sweet deal.
Hey, they got chairs with wheels,
and here I am, using my legs like a sucker.
(wheelchair squeaking)
(motor humming)
Whoo! I must apologize for the inconvenience, Marge.
You are a real sport.
Right. How much longer is she going to be here?
Homer was a little sketchy on the details.
It should not be more than a few days.
She really, truly hates you.
Can I ask you about your dot?
What would you like to know?
What's the deal with that dot?
Yeah, can you see out of it?
Does it change colors when you're ticked off?
You tell me.
Nothing yet.
Surely, you children are aware of your Brahman heritage?
As long as you have
absolutely no follow-up questions, yes.
Yes, we are.
Fully.
We have to go now.
(whistling)
Jasper. Gladys.
Beatrice. Looking good, Hattie.
Asa. Hazel. Hazel.
Hazel!
Oh, the hell with her.
Hester.
Emil. Prudence.
Lemuel. Increase.
-Dad. -Cornelius.
-(bell tinkling) -WARDEN: Supper time!
(grunts)
Oh, no, you don't!
Oh, yes, I do.
(grinding)
Eat my dust.
Wow, someone sure likes his kidney mush.
Damn right.
Mm. Who knew that Lays made liquid potato chips?
I can't suck just one.
-(buzzing) -Another bag of chips, Mr. Talmadge?
Please. Also, I'm getting a bed-sore.
What do you have to do to get turned around here?
(monitor beeping)
(grunting)
Hey, what's Lucky hooked up to?
A respirator.
It breathes for him.
And here I am, using my own lungs
like a sucker.
And how come everyone gets a bedpan
and I have to walk all the way over there?
You mean, there?
Yeah!
Hello. I'm Cornelius Talmadge.
My family brought me here on Monday
but I broke free and went on a bit of a bender.
Wait a minute. If you're Cornelius Talmadge,
then who's...
HOMER: When I get old, Marge,
I want you to promise you'll put me in a home.
It's like being a baby,
only you're old enough to appreciate it.
Well, I'm glad you were having fun
because I've had my hands full with Apu's mother.
Oh, right, right.
The fake marriage thing.
How's that going?
(door creaking)
OK, Apu, I am packed
and ready to go to the airport... (screams)
Oh, my God.
Marge, how could you?
Oh, Apu, give it up.
(groans) Mother, I am so sorry.
I lied to you about being married.
Lied to his mother.
Tsk-tsk-tsk.
But the fact that I would stage this ridiculous farce
surely proves to you how much I do not want
to go through with this arranged marriage.
I had no idea how strongly you felt, Apu.
Now wipe that smile off your face.
We have a wedding to plan.
(groans)
You know what you could do, Apu?
Yeah, shut up.
You could fake your own death.
Oh, would you shut up?
All you need is a car bomb and...
I can't believe you don't shut up!
Yes, yes, Manjula.
I will take care of all the wedding plans.
You just get on a plane and come to America.
(clearing throat)
I have to go.
(speaking native language)
Believe me, I'd like to.
(laughing)
Good-bye.
I've been looking over this list of things for the ceremony.
I've got the extra wine glasses
but I'm still short a tandoori oven, an elephant
and four castrati.
What's a castrati?
I don't know, but I'm sure it's spicy.
-Why is that woman still living here? -Mm-mm.
Hey, you seen Apu lately?
He looks terrible.
Yeah, rumor has it Marge threw him out.
Ah, tough break. She's a beautiful lady.
You got that straight, Barn.
ALL: To Marge!
Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?
Booze, booze and more booze.
Huh! Nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away.
Yeah, you got that right.
Oof. Manjula and I have not seen each other in 20 years.
Two people cannot fall in love sight-unseen.
Hey, hold on there.
I'm counting on that.
Well, just 24 hours of freedom left.
Actually, it's more like 12.
No. I'm so stupid.
Seven-- it's seven hours.
You have seven hours.
See? Seven.
(groaning)
(singing sadly) ♪ Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
♪ Check it and see ♪
♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪
Come on, you shouldn't be spending your last hours of bachelorhood
in a dump like this.
You should be living like there's no tomorrow
and I know just the place.
Ah, is this the life or what?
You want me to turn on the bubbles?
Which Bombay to Springfield flight is she on?
The 10:00, the 10:15, or the 10:30?
I am so terribly sorry, sir.
It appears that your tiger has been sent to St. Louis.
Mm-hmm. I should send you to St. Louis.
No. no. He's not worth it.
Can you please indicate your tiger type on this chart.
BOTH: Mm...
Number six.
How's that fire ring coming?
Is it sacred yet?
Almost.
I... can't...
Can you believe it?
Tradition forbids me even to speak
to the woman I'm about to spend my life with.
Has the whole world gone crazy?
Nah, just your screwy country.
(sighs) Your old friend Apu is a lamb being led to the slaughter.
Don't worry, Apu.
Someday, you'll meet someone you really love.
I'm really doomed.
Only the gods could stop this wedding now.
Gods, eh?
(indistinct chatter)
No, no, no, no, no.
No pansies for me.
It's the tradition in India.
Yeah, all right. It'll cover the gravy stains.
-Hey! -Tradition.
Thanks for helping us out, Reverend.
I know you've never performed a Hindu ceremony.
Well, Christ is Christ.
Plus, I consulted a Hindu web site.
(playing fanfare)
(gloomily) Hello, everyone.
What a happy, happy day.
Wow, I wish I had an elephant.
You did. His name was Stampy.
-You loved him. -Oh, yeah.
(squeaking)
(trumpeting)
(gasping)
Lucky mouse.
(fanfare plays)
(all gasping)
Oh... Manjula?
Apu, remember me?
Obviously not.
(crashing)
HOMER: I am the God Ganesh!
This wedding angers me!
All will die unless it is stopped!
-Oh, God. -Please! listen to me!
(wailing)
(speaking in Hindi)
(screams)
Stop chasing Ganesh!
You're just going to get more wrath.
Oh, I'm afraid this is all my fault, Manjula.
To be perfectly honest with you,
I have not exactly been looking forward
to this arranged marriage.
(scoffs) Nor have I.
Marrying a complete stranger?
It is crazy.
All right.
Ganesh has been subdued.
HOMER (whimpering): All will die.
Resume the ceremony.
Quickly, tell me. What is your favorite movie, book and food?
Uh, the answer to all three is fried green tomatoes.
(laughing)
That... that is good.
(clears throat) Double-parked.
Oh, I am so torn.
You are clearly so quick-witted and beautiful.
And when I look in your eyes,
I see that sweet little boy who sold me my very first kiss
and I liked it.
Oh, do you think this marriage could really work?
Who knows? We can always get divorced.
Of course.
God bless America.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
let me be the first to present to you
Mr. and Mrs. Apu Nahasapeemapetilan.
(cheering)
Ah, geez. I am no good at weddings.
(singing "Close To You" in Hindi)
Dad, those peanuts aren't for you.
They're for the elephant.
Screw him. (gasping)
Put me down! Ganesh commands you!
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Well, so far so good, don't you think?
I cannot wait to show you our apartment.
Apartment?
Oh, no, no, no.
You must buy me a house,
and you're getting a haircut.
-Oh. -Got you.
(laughing)
Homer (screaming): Come on, elephant! Stop!
(yelping, groaning)
Hey, everybody's upside-down.
(laughing)
(theme music playing)
Shh!
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services