CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(tires screeching)
(theme music playing)
D'oh! (screams)
(tires screeching)
Marge, stop this crazy thing!
We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale?
Well, they put us on the Waiting to Exhale waiting list,
but they said don't hold your breath.
Did you get Emma? Did you get Emma?
-Did ya, did ya, did ya, huh? -Whoa, whoa.
Calm down, little lady. Take it easy. Take it easy.
-(chuckles) No. -What did you get?
Something very close, exactly along those lines.
A Clint Eastwood, Lee Marvin shoot-'em-up Western!
(both groaning)
So prepare yourself for the bloody mayhem and unholy carnage
of Joshua Logan's Paint Your Wagon.
With blood, I bet.
(both laughing)
(whinnies)
Hey!
That's a pretty sorry-looking wagon you got there, mister.
I reckon it could use a coat of paint.
Well, what are we waiting for?
(hoedown music playing)
♪ Gonna paint our wagon ♪
♪ Gonna paint it good ♪
♪ We ain't braggin' ♪
♪ We're gonna coat that wood ♪
♪ They're gonna paint that wagon ♪
♪ They're gonna paint it good ♪
♪ They ain't braggin' ♪
♪ They're gonna coat that wood ♪
(shrieks) They're singing!
They're singing, Marge.
Why aren't they killing each other?
Yeah, their guns are right there.
Wait, wait, wait. Here comes Lee Marvin.
Thank God. He's always drunk and violent.
Uh, what the hell is going on in my town?
We're just painting this wagon.
You got a problem with that?
As a matter of fact, I do.
You missed a spot.
Well, grab a brush and join in.
(hoedown music starts again)
♪ Gonna paint your wagon ♪
♪ Gonna paint it fine ♪
♪ Gonna use oil-based paint ♪
♪ 'Cause the wood is pine ♪
♪ Ponderosa pine ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
-MAN: Yeehaw! -MARGE: Mmm.
Who knew that Lee Marvin could do such marvelous splits?
He's dreamy.
Oh, why did they have to screw up a perfectly serviceable wagon story
with all that fruity singing?
I thought it was toe-tapping fun.
Singing is the lowest form of communication.
Homer, you sing all the time.
No, I don't. I hate to rhyme.
♪ You like musicals, don't you, Dad? ♪
♪ No, I don't I think they're bad ♪
♪ They're fake and phony and totally wrong ♪
♪ Wake up, Dad, you're singing a song ♪
♪ I wouldn't, I couldn't I hate that stuff ♪
♪ Now, Homer, listen, I've had enough ♪
♪ In our family videos ♪
♪ We have plainly seen ♪
♪ You're a singing, dancing entertainment machine ♪
And a one, and a two, and a three.
♪ Ba-bom, bom, bom ♪
♪ Baby on board ♪
♪ How I've adored ♪
♪ That sign ♪
♪ On my car's ♪
♪ Windowpane... ♪
Hello! Human Fly here.
Come on! I stayed up all night dyeing my underwear.
Extra, extra! Be Sharps sing on rooftop!
What? Give me one of those!
Wait a minute. There's nothing in here about the Be Sharps!
-Come back here! -PAPERBOY: Ha-ha!
(Be Sharps continue singing)
-It's been done. -(tires screech)
♪ That window sign can't be ignored... ♪
-Pretty, huh, Chief? -It sure is, Lou. It sure is.
Get the tear gas.
♪ A trip to paradise ♪
♪ With my baby ♪
♪ On board ♪
(applause, cheering)
(glass smashing)
Dad, we can't let this happen to Belle. Do something.
Don't you worry, Son.
My friends! Stop!
We could tear it down,
but we'd be tearing down a part of ourselves.
♪ You could close down Moe's ♪
♪ Or the Kwik-E-Mart ♪
♪ And nobody would care ♪
♪ But the heart and soul of Springfield's in ♪
♪ Our maison derriere ♪
(jazz rhythm)
♪ We're the sauce on your steak ♪
♪ We're the cheese in your cake ♪
♪ We put the "spring" in Springfield ♪
♪ We're the lace on the nightgown ♪
♪ The point after touchdown ♪
♪ Yes, we put the "spring" in Springfield ♪
♪ We're that little extra spice ♪
♪ That makes existence extra nice ♪
♪ A giddy little thrill at a reasonable price ♪
♪ Our only major quarrel's ♪
♪ With your total lack of morals ♪
♪ Our skimpy costumes ain't so bad ♪
♪ They seem to entertain your dad ♪
♪ The gin in your martini ♪
♪ The clams on your linguine ♪
♪ Yes, we keep the... ♪
(boing)
♪ In Springfield ♪
♪ We remember our first visit ♪
♪ The service was exquisite ♪
♪ Why, Joseph, I had no idea ♪
♪ Come on, now, you were working here ♪
♪ Without it we'd have had no fun ♪
♪ Since march of 1961 ♪
♪ To shut them down now would be twisted ♪
♪ We just heard this place existed ♪
(brass band modulates up)
♪ We're the highlights in your hairdo ♪
♪ The extra arms on Vishnu ♪
♪ So don't take the... ♪
(springs)
♪ We won't take the... ♪
(penny whistle blows)
♪ Yes, let's keep the... ♪
♪ In Springfield ♪
-(horn honks) -(belches)
♪ Mom was right ♪
♪ Your singing's a sin ♪
♪ You're as Les Miserab-les ♪
♪ As Lee Mar-vin... ♪
(gagging)
♪ Sure, your dad's singing ♪
♪ Could make your hair curl ♪
♪ But you, too, Bart ♪
♪ Have sung and danced like a girl ♪
Eep.
(both yelling, whooping)
-(squeaking) -(gasps) it's so thick!
(inhaling deeply)
(coughing) Your turn, Bart.
(sucking)
(coughs) Whoa! That's good squishy.
(groaning)
What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart?
-(babbling gibberish) -Give me that!
(slurps)
(moans, yelps)
OK. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What'll we do?
Let's go crazy Broadway-style!
BOTH: Yeah!
♪ Springfield, Springfield, it's a hell of a town ♪
♪ The schoolyard's up, and the shopping mall's down ♪
♪ The stray dogs go to the animal pound ♪
♪ Springfield, Springfield ♪
♪ New York, New York ♪
-New York is thataway, man. -Thanks, kid.
♪ It's a helluva town ♪
-(show music continues) -Whoa. Wow.
(spitting)
-(cats yowling, hissing) -Huh? Huh?
Mmm! Free goo.
MILHOUSE: Hey! Don't Bogart that squishy!
(gulping) I don't know where you magic pixies came from,
but I like your pixie drink.
-(music continues) -(laughing)
(groaning)
Oh, my head.
♪ That was pretty bad, Bart ♪
♪ But it could've been worse ♪
♪ You could have been carrying a sequined purse ♪
♪ I hate to dance ♪
♪ And prance and sing ♪
♪ That's really more of a Milhouse thing ♪
♪ I think you move ♪
♪ Like a young Baryshnikov ♪
♪ Nobody move ♪
(gun cocking)
♪ Or I'll blow your heads off ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-uh-yech! ♪
♪ It's a desperate criminal on the run from the law ♪
♪ Please spare my children ♪
♪ And their damp-trousered pa ♪
♪ A singing family, it's worse than I feared ♪
♪ For hostage purposes, you're just too weird ♪
♪ Bye! ♪
♪ See? All this singing scared him away ♪
♪ If we just talked like normal he'd probably stay ♪
♪ Many people in this town sing like we do ♪
♪ There's Mr. Burns, there's Krusty and even Apu ♪
Whether igloo, hut or lean-to or a geodesic dome,
there's no structure have been to which I'd rather call my home.
Hello. (yelps)
♪ When I first arrived ♪
♪ You were all such jerks ♪
♪ But now I've come to love your quirks ♪
♪ Maggie with her eyes so bright ♪
♪ Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright ♪
♪ Lisa can philosophize ♪
♪ Bart's adept at spinning lies ♪
♪ Homer's a delightful fella ♪
♪ Sorry 'bout the salmonella ♪
(chuckles) That's OK.
(screaming)
♪ Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? ♪
♪ Now here's the tricky part ♪
♪ Oh, won't you rhyme with me? ♪
♪ Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? ♪
♪ Their floors are Stick-E-Mart ♪
♪ They make that Sick-E-Mart ♪
♪ Let's hurl a Brick-E-Mart ♪
♪ The Kwik-E-Mart is real-- ♪
D'oh!
♪ Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? ♪
-♪ Not me! ♪ -♪ Forget the Kwik-E-Mart ♪
♪ Good-bye to Kwik-E-Mart ♪
♪ Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? ♪
♪ Not me ♪
(sighs) Everything really wrapped up nicely.
Hmm. Much quicker than usual.
I guess we've learned that happiness is wherever you find it.
And we've all found happiness, every one of us.
-(Apu crying) -(TV clicks on)
Hey, what's that sound?
(crying)
♪ Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? ♪
♪ I do ♪
Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song!
I hate when people do that!
-(drum roll) -ANNOUNCER: Live from Springfield,
the entertainment capital of this state,
the Krusty Komeback Special!
(soft piano music playing)
♪ Send in ♪
♪ The clowns ♪
♪ Those daffy, laughy clowns ♪
♪ Send in those soulful and doleful ♪
♪ Schmaltz-by-the-bowlful clowns ♪
♪ Send in the clowns ♪
(sobbing)
♪ They're already here ♪
(applause)
-I love you, Krusty. -Quiet!
Maybe we were wrong about Burns on this one.
Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir?
You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.
Yes. But not completely full. For you see-
♪ Some men hunt for sport ♪
♪ Others hunt for food ♪
♪ The only thing I'm hunting for ♪
♪ Is an outfit that looks good ♪
♪ See my ♪
♪ Vest, see my vest made from real Gorilla chest ♪
♪ Feel this sweater ♪
♪ There's no better than authentic Irish setter ♪
♪ See this hat, 'twas my cat ♪
♪ My evening wear, vampire bat ♪
♪ These white slippers ♪
♪ Are albino African endangered rhino ♪
♪ Grizzly bear underwear ♪
♪ Turtles' necks, I've got my share ♪
♪ Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest ♪
♪ Try my red robin suit ♪
♪ It comes one breast or two ♪
♪ See my vest, see my vest ♪
♪ See my vest ♪
♪ Like my ♪
♪ Loafers, former gophers ♪
♪ It was that or skin my chauffeurs ♪
♪ But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best ♪
♪ So let's prepare these dogs ♪
♪ Kill two for matching clogs ♪
♪ See my vest ♪
♪ Oh, please, won't you see my vest? ♪
-I really like the vest. -I gathered, yeah.
We gotta get the dogs out of there!
♪ Because he was singing, we overheard his plan ♪
♪ And could save those dogs from that mean old man ♪
♪ It still wasn't worth Burns' song and dance ♪
♪ I'm back, so resume wetting your pants ♪
OK.
♪ Because of you all ♪
♪ I got a tune in my head ♪
♪ And the only way to stop it is to make you all dead ♪
Oh, I knew I should have shut that window.
♪ Say your prayers ♪
♪ And then it's ka-blammo ♪
(clicking)
♪ Uh-oh, I'll be back ♪
♪ When I get some ammo ♪
Bye.
♪ Even the criminals are beginning to croon ♪
♪ Homie, this whole town runs on a tune ♪
♪ Our churches, our clubs, our government, too ♪
♪ Springfield swings like a pendulum do! ♪
♪ We can't even get any local laws passed ♪
♪ Without everyone singing ♪
♪ Like a big Broadway cast ♪
Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the, uh,
disbursement of the, uh, two million dollars.
Don't you mean three million dollars?
Of course. How silly of me.
(whistles)
You know, a town with money
is a little like the mule with a spinning wheel.
No one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it.
-(laughter) -(chuckles) Mule.
The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley.
And I come before you good people tonight with an idea.
Probably the greatest-- Ah, it's not for you.
It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
MAYOR DIAMOND: Now wait just a minute.
We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville.
Just tell us your idea, and we'll vote for it.
All right. I tell you what I'll do.
I'll show you my idea.
-I give you the Springfield monorail! -(all gasping)
I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook,
and by gum, it put them on the map!
Well, sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona fide,
electrified, six-car monorail.
-What'd I say? -Monorail!
-What's it called? -Monorail!
-That's right, monorail! -ALL: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
♪ I hear those things are awfully loud ♪
♪ It glides as softly as a cloud ♪
♪ Is there a chance the track could bend? ♪
♪ Not on your life, my Hindu friend ♪
♪ What about us brain-dead slobs? ♪
♪ You'll be given cushy jobs ♪
♪ Were you sent here by the devil? ♪
♪ No, good sir, I'm on the level ♪
♪ The ring came off my pudding can ♪
♪ Take my penknife, my good man ♪
♪ I swear it's Springfield's only choice ♪
♪ Throw up your hands and raise your voice ♪
ALL: ♪ Monorail! ♪
♪ What's it called? ♪
♪ Monorail! ♪
♪ Once again ♪
♪ Monorail! ♪
♪ But main street's still all cracked and broken ♪
♪ Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken ♪
♪ Monorail ♪
Monorail!
Mono-- D'oh!
Hymns here! I got hymns here! Get 'em while they're holy!
Fresh from God's brain to your mouth! (sinister chuckle)
And now please rise for our opening hymn,
uh, "In the Garden of Eden"
by I. Ron Butterfly.
(playing to the tune of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida")
♪ in the garden of Eden, honey ♪
♪ Don't you know that I love you ♪
♪ In the garden of Eden, baby ♪
♪ Don't you know that I'll always be true ♪
-(organ continues) -(sinister chuckle)
Hey, Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?
-(giggles) shh! shh! shh! -(chuckling)
♪ Oh, won't you come with me ♪
♪ And take my hand? ♪
Wait a minute. This sounds like rock and/or roll.
♪ Who controls the British crown? ♪
♪ Who keeps the metric system down? ♪
♪ We do ♪
♪ Who leaves Atlantis off the maps? ♪
♪ Who keeps the Martians under wraps? ♪
♪ We do ♪
♪ Who holds back the electric car? ♪
♪ Who makes Steve Guttenberg ♪
♪ A star? ♪
♪ We do ♪
♪ Who robs cave fish of their sight? ♪
♪ Who rigs every Oscar night? ♪
♪ We do ♪
♪ We do! ♪
♪ All right, Marge ♪
♪ You've convinced me there are more terrible things ♪
♪ Than musical comedies where everyone sings ♪
♪ There is something worse ♪
♪ And it really does blow ♪
♪ When a long-running series ♪
♪ Does a cheesy clip show ♪
♪ I'm back to commit ♪
♪ Felonious assault ♪
♪ Because your infernal singing ♪
♪ Just would not halt ♪
-Actually, we're done. -Done, done.
-And not a moment too soon. -Oh, OK then.
Well, then I got no beef with you. (grunts)
-OK, who wants dinner? -(all clamoring)
Well, let's get eating.
-(humming) -(gunshots)
All right, all right. Sorry.
(theme music playing)
-(gunshots) -(theme music stops playing)
SNAKE: Yo! I told you to stop the music, dudes. I'm serious!
(crickets chirping)
(theme music resumes)
SNAKE: Oh, oh, oh! You're so not listening!
-(gunshots) -(music stops)
(crickets chirping)
(theme music resumes softly)
SNAKE: OK, I hear that.
- I hear that, dudes! -(gunshot)
-(mellow instrumental) -(gunshot)
SNAKE: You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services