1 00:00:03,253 --> 00:00:06,548 CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,177 (bell ringing) 3 00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:12,512 (tires screeching) 4 00:00:14,639 --> 00:00:16,391 D'oh! (screams) 5 00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:18,184 (tires screeching) 6 00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:19,352 (fire roaring) 7 00:00:20,770 --> 00:00:22,230 -(sighing) -(steam hissing) 8 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:35,243 {\an8}Oh, look. 9 00:00:35,326 --> 00:00:39,539 {\an8}This is a perfect chance to get you kids some nice church shoes. 10 00:00:39,622 --> 00:00:41,166 {\an8}(both groaning) 11 00:00:41,249 --> 00:00:44,461 {\an8}What do we need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals. 12 00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:47,881 {\an8}Well, maybe if he had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught him. 13 00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:49,966 {\an8}(groans) Look, Homer! 14 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,843 {\an8}There's that bird you like to argue with. 15 00:00:51,926 --> 00:00:55,096 {\an8}Well, well, well, if it isn't Professor Know-it-all. 16 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:56,431 {\an8}Excuse me, Marge. 17 00:00:57,348 --> 00:01:00,560 {\an8}They need a good, stiff, all-purpose dress shoe. 18 00:01:00,643 --> 00:01:01,853 {\an8}Something for church, 19 00:01:01,936 --> 00:01:04,981 {\an8}but also for doctor's appointments, dental checkups, 20 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,233 {\an8}piano recitals, building dedications, 21 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:11,488 {\an8}visiting elderly relatives, haircuts and shoe shopping. 22 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:15,658 {\an8}Well, we have a brown shoe. 23 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:18,870 {\an8}Did you hear that, kids? Brown. 24 00:01:18,953 --> 00:01:22,999 {\an8}Oh, rats. Talk about bad luck. 25 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:27,003 {\an8}I forgot to wear socks today. Guess I can't try those on. 26 00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:30,548 {\an8}Yeah, no problem. You can wear the store sock. 27 00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:33,051 {\an8}Ew. 28 00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:36,096 {\an8}(grunts) Would you mind lacing 'em up, kid? 29 00:01:36,179 --> 00:01:37,388 {\an8}I have a bad back. 30 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:38,932 {\an8}Hey, if you didn't want to tie shoes, 31 00:01:39,015 --> 00:01:40,725 {\an8}you shouldn't have become a shoe salesman. 32 00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:44,437 {\an8}-(sighs) -(bones cracking) 33 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,564 {\an8}That's where you're wrong, pal. 34 00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:48,900 {\an8}It's not enough to want a cracker. 35 00:01:48,983 --> 00:01:50,735 {\an8}You have to earn it. 36 00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:57,909 {\an8}Mom, these are at least two sizes too big. 37 00:01:57,992 --> 00:01:59,828 {\an8}Perfect, you'll grow into them. 38 00:01:59,911 --> 00:02:00,787 {\an8}When? 39 00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:03,706 {\an8}Oh, you're both way overdue for a spurt. 40 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:08,336 Excuse me, ma'am. Do you like to laugh? 41 00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:11,673 (laughing) Oh, yes. 42 00:02:11,756 --> 00:02:13,299 As long as it's tasteful. 43 00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:16,427 And never at someone, or with, and not-- 44 00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:20,431 -Excuse me, sir. Do you like to laugh? -Why, yes. Yes, I do. 45 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:24,727 Well, then you'll love our comedy festival. It's for a good cause. 46 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:28,356 {\an8}-A rest home for pirates? -No, Dad. It's to fight soil erosion. 47 00:02:28,439 --> 00:02:30,525 Now, that's a fight I wanna be a part of. 48 00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,778 Hey, somebody screwed up bad. 49 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:36,072 You've got all these big comics lined up for your show, 50 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,490 but there's no Krusty. 51 00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:40,160 {\an8}-Who? -Krusty the Clown. 52 00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:43,663 Funniest man alive, prince of pies, 53 00:02:43,746 --> 00:02:47,500 -the sultan of seltzer? -Excuse me, sir. Do you like to laugh? 54 00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:50,837 Well, only if something tickles me just right. 55 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,380 (laughing) 56 00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:05,018 {\an8}Yeah, excuse me. I'm looking for someone named 57 00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:07,270 {\an8}"Jay Leno." 58 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:10,857 {\an8}-Somebody wanna get this kid a TV? -Whoa, gee, thanks, mister. 59 00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:13,818 {\an8}-Yeah, just joking. I-I'm Jay Leno. -Oh. 60 00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:16,446 {\an8}-So what can I do for you, huh? -Well, if you're running the show, 61 00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:18,489 {\an8}how could you leave out Krusty the Clown? 62 00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:22,410 {\an8}Ah, Krusty the Clown? That takes me back. 63 00:03:22,493 --> 00:03:26,289 -Didn't he die in a grease fire? -No, he's alive. 64 00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:28,666 And he is so funny, you could plotz. 65 00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,084 At least according to his press release. 66 00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:34,422 Well, if he's half as alive as you say he is, he's in. 67 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,509 Uh, charity, eh? What's my cut? 68 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:42,055 Nothing? I make more than that takin' a "schwitz." 69 00:03:48,686 --> 00:03:50,563 Hey, hey, happy birthday! (chuckles) 70 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:51,648 Now get him out of here. 71 00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:53,942 He seems reluctant. 72 00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:56,069 Tell him it will count towards his community service. 73 00:03:56,152 --> 00:03:58,863 (grunting) 74 00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:00,823 All right, I'll do it. 75 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:05,161 (groans) Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks, 76 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,413 and you're payin' for it the rest of your life. 77 00:04:11,292 --> 00:04:14,295 I finally got around to reading the dictionary. 78 00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:16,256 It turns out the zebra did it. 79 00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:18,549 (laughing) 80 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:21,094 -I don't get it. -Dad, the zebra didn't do it. 81 00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:23,388 It's just a word at the end of the dictionary. 82 00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:24,764 I still don't get it. 83 00:04:24,847 --> 00:04:29,477 -It's just a joke. -Oh, I get it! I get jokes. 84 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:31,437 {\an8}(laughing) 85 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,818 Hey, hey, it's Krusty the Clown. 86 00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:39,112 Hey, hey! Uh... (chuckles) 87 00:04:39,195 --> 00:04:41,322 It's you, right? 88 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,702 And this guy, uh, with all the jokes he does. 89 00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:48,121 You're the reason I went into comedy. 90 00:04:48,204 --> 00:04:50,498 If it weren't for you, I'd be a doctor. 91 00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:52,834 Yeah, yeah, right. Thanks. 92 00:04:52,917 --> 00:04:55,586 (sighs) I got my period today. 93 00:04:56,754 --> 00:04:58,631 (coughs) Oh, good Lord. 94 00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,925 Plus, I got this new boyfriend. 95 00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:03,636 You know how it is when you're kissing a guy with a tongue stud. 96 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,471 (laughing) 97 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:09,642 (laughing) Yes! Yeah! Oh, God, yes. 98 00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:11,269 It's time for something special. 99 00:05:11,352 --> 00:05:13,187 The man Spencer Tracy called 100 00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:16,482 "the most promising newcomer of 1959." 101 00:05:16,566 --> 00:05:19,360 Please put your hands together for Krusty the Clown. 102 00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:23,531 -(applause) -Whoo-hoo! Yeah, Krusty! 103 00:05:23,614 --> 00:05:27,160 Hey, hey. (goofy laugh) 104 00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:29,078 So... 105 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,997 How about those TV dinners, huh? 106 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:33,249 I tried one the other day. 107 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:36,336 When lightning strikes, the peach cobbler goes out. 108 00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:38,504 (Bart laughing) 109 00:05:39,213 --> 00:05:40,214 Cobbler. 110 00:05:40,798 --> 00:05:42,675 The other thing about TV dinners, 111 00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:46,012 you don't have leftovers, you have reruns. 112 00:05:47,388 --> 00:05:49,682 (feedback on P.A. system) 113 00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:53,019 TV dinner jokes? Ooh! 114 00:05:53,102 --> 00:05:56,022 -Take that, Swansons. -(chuckling) 115 00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:58,191 Didn't like that one, huh? Well-- 116 00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:01,986 "Me so solly. Ah, so." 117 00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:06,157 (groans) What's he gonna do next, the flapping dickey? 118 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,534 (booing) 119 00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:11,829 {\an8}Uh-oh, I'm losin' 'em. Time for the "A" material. 120 00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,206 Hey, hey! 121 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:20,546 "Ah, so. Ah, so. Me-a like-a the flied lice. 122 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,091 Me flap-a dickey rong time." 123 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,687 (chuckles) Hey, Krusty, great set. 124 00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:39,065 Are you kidding? I stunk up the joint. 125 00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:41,401 No, no. I was talking to Lisa back there. 126 00:06:41,484 --> 00:06:43,486 We both agreed. You killed. 127 00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:45,947 {\an8}Really? Lisa, huh? 128 00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:48,282 {\an8}Sure, there were a lot of laughs. 129 00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:51,160 {\an8}You probably couldn't hear 'em. The acoustics were so bad. 130 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,246 {\an8}Yeah, the acoustics. That's what it was. 131 00:06:53,329 --> 00:06:56,124 {\an8}-I mean, "Me so solly." -(both laughing) 132 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,253 {\an8}Yeah, I was great. 133 00:07:01,629 --> 00:07:03,548 Did you get a load of "Corpsey" the Clown? 134 00:07:03,631 --> 00:07:06,509 (scoffs) That guy cheapens our whole profession. 135 00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:08,678 -What do you think of him, Internet Comic? -(beeping) 136 00:07:08,761 --> 00:07:09,846 (laughing) 137 00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:14,350 Guys, keep it down. 138 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:20,523 -Five minutes, Krusty. -Oh, I ain't going back out there. 139 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,942 No, five minutes to get your stuff and get out. 140 00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:25,194 (groaning) 141 00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:35,621 Where is that stinkin' monkey? 142 00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:39,292 It's about time. Give me those reviews. 143 00:07:39,917 --> 00:07:41,586 {\an8}"Last night's comedy benefit 144 00:07:41,669 --> 00:07:43,671 {\an8}delivered wall-to-wall laughs without exception." 145 00:07:44,255 --> 00:07:45,256 {\an8}Phew. 146 00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:49,343 {\an8}"The only exception was the embarrassingly dated humor... 147 00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:52,096 {\an8}of Springfield's green-haired, red-nosed hack--" 148 00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:56,017 {\an8}Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Krusty the Clown." No! 149 00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:59,979 They say any publicity is good publicity. 150 00:08:00,062 --> 00:08:02,273 You, sir, are an idiot. 151 00:08:02,356 --> 00:08:06,194 -(chittering) -Aw, that's your answer to everything! 152 00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:10,531 (groaning) Look at my life. I'm talking to a monkey and a-- 153 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:12,825 I don't know what the hell you are. 154 00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:14,911 You can be so cruel when you're sober. 155 00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,329 Well, I'll fix that. 156 00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:19,207 I'm goin' on the bender to end all benders. 157 00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,967 (gargling) 158 00:08:35,973 --> 00:08:37,016 (slurping) 159 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,227 (gulping) 160 00:08:40,978 --> 00:08:42,021 (sighs) 161 00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:49,070 (music playing on TV) 162 00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:53,616 (speaking Spanish) 163 00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:55,618 (in English) What did he say, Lisa? What did he say? 164 00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:58,454 He said there's no shame in their forbidden love. 165 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:01,165 Oh, Diego's not gonna like that. 166 00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:06,921 (speaking Spanish) 167 00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:11,259 (in English) "Take me here, under the disco ball." 168 00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:12,385 MARGE: Mmm. 169 00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:14,720 Ah. 170 00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:17,390 Beep, beep. Clear the couch. It's Krusty time. 171 00:09:17,473 --> 00:09:20,851 ANNOUNCER: And now, here's Krusty. 172 00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:22,186 (cheering) 173 00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:28,776 Hey, hey. I'm Kent Brockman the clown, 174 00:09:28,859 --> 00:09:32,363 filling in for Krusty the Clown who didn't come in today. 175 00:09:32,446 --> 00:09:34,574 He is presumed dead or on vacation. 176 00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:36,284 Today's top joke. 177 00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:41,414 It seems a local moron threw his clock out the window. 178 00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:44,125 We'll tell you why right after this. 179 00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:46,794 {\an8}Oh, this sucks. I am out of here. 180 00:09:49,046 --> 00:09:50,923 (Krusty groaning) 181 00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:58,347 Wow, a clown. Do you think he's evil? 182 00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,433 (sniffing) He smells evil. 183 00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:03,019 (sniffing) Should we tell Daddy? 184 00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:05,271 No, let's poke him a little while longer. 185 00:10:05,354 --> 00:10:07,273 Hey, get away from him, you little freaks. 186 00:10:07,356 --> 00:10:08,941 (screaming) 187 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,027 -(groaning) -(Bart groaning) 188 00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:15,615 -(grunting) -Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. 189 00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:19,493 (groans) 190 00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:21,370 Oh, it hurts to talk. 191 00:10:21,912 --> 00:10:23,998 We'll have to work out a system of blinks. 192 00:10:25,207 --> 00:10:27,793 Not you, you imbecile. 193 00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:31,213 {\an8}Oh, pew, what were you drinking, gasoline? 194 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:35,343 Yes, I was drinking gasoline, Mother. 195 00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:40,973 Blah! 196 00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:45,811 -Uh, Krusty. -Hang on, kid. I got a tack in my head. 197 00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:49,357 That's one of your posters. I got all the Krusty stuff. 198 00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:54,236 Man, look at all the crap with my face on it. 199 00:10:56,364 --> 00:11:00,034 {\an8}"Krusty's Personal Swabs"? What was I thinking? 200 00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:02,828 All these years, I should've been working on my act, 201 00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:04,914 but I was too busy selling out. 202 00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:08,376 Now I'm just a tired old hack. 203 00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,878 (sobbing) 204 00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:16,967 Ah, that burns! What the hell is on those things? 205 00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:19,970 {\an8}-Here. Quick, use my Krusty Eye Wash. -No, not on your life. 206 00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:23,099 BART: Thanks for coming, Jay. Krusty really needs help. 207 00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,142 Oh, no question. 208 00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:26,894 I gotta freshen up my act. 209 00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:31,232 Jay, you're a professional comedian, right? Right? 210 00:11:31,315 --> 00:11:34,318 -Answer me! -Yes! Now stop squirming. 211 00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:35,736 I'm trying to get these tangles out. 212 00:11:36,153 --> 00:11:38,072 Oh, they are just impossible. 213 00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:43,327 {\an8}Well, they are. Anyway, don't you have some advice for Krusty? 214 00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:46,831 Well, these days, people like observational humor, 215 00:11:46,914 --> 00:11:49,291 about things they deal with in everyday life. 216 00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:52,753 {\an8}Oh, yeah. You mean like when your lazy butler washes your sock garters 217 00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:54,714 {\an8}and they're still covered with schmutz? 218 00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:58,426 Well, kind of, but more universal. 219 00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,553 And maybe lose the "Me so solly" bit. 220 00:12:00,636 --> 00:12:03,180 {\an8}Hey, whoa, whoa. Let's not tamper with the classic. 221 00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:07,059 {\an8}Shut up, kid. Come on, Leno. Tamper, teach, impart. 222 00:12:07,935 --> 00:12:09,854 (whistling) 223 00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:12,231 -Dad! -Whoops! Sorry, Son. 224 00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:15,484 I didn't know you, Jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown. 225 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:19,155 Well, they are, so make with the loofah or get out. 226 00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:22,032 -(applause) -And then of course, there's Mom, 227 00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:24,452 who sounds something like this. 228 00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:26,537 (clears throat) 229 00:12:27,079 --> 00:12:30,249 "Eat your vegetables. Take a sweater. 230 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:34,086 I don't think that's a good idea. Hmm." 231 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:36,964 -(laughing) -(Laughing) Take that, Marge. 232 00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:40,551 -(grunts) -Thank you, thank you. 233 00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:44,764 And now, the all-new comedy stylings of... 234 00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:48,476 Krusty the Clown! 235 00:12:49,393 --> 00:12:51,729 (cheers) Oh, Krusty! 236 00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:55,107 Wait. Where's my water? Oh, there it is. All right. 237 00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:56,108 Hello. 238 00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,736 I'm a real person. And as a real person, 239 00:12:58,819 --> 00:13:02,072 I've made some humorous observations about real life. 240 00:13:02,406 --> 00:13:06,160 For example, have you ever noticed how there are two phone books, 241 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,788 a white one and a yellow one? 242 00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:10,915 (chuckles) Like, what's the deal with that? 243 00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:13,459 One's residential, the other is business. 244 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:17,213 Oh, well, that makes sense. 245 00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:20,299 What will they think of next, blue pages? 246 00:13:20,382 --> 00:13:23,302 They have those. They're government listings. 247 00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:24,470 I see. 248 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:29,892 Uh, what about two-cent stamps? 249 00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:32,186 Pizza pie is very hot these days. 250 00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:36,357 Can't open pickle jars. No mail on Sunday. Out of paper towels. 251 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:37,483 Oh, oh, oh. 252 00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:41,153 -What's the deal with cardboard? -Boo! 253 00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:43,364 All right, let's just move on to Notebook 2. 254 00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:45,658 -I've really gotta get dinner started. -Me too. 255 00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:47,910 I also have to go. Boo! 256 00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:49,286 (groans) 257 00:13:49,703 --> 00:13:51,038 {\an8}Krusty, the acoustics in here-- 258 00:13:51,121 --> 00:13:52,414 I appreciate the effort, kid. 259 00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:54,667 But there's only one thing left for me to do. 260 00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,629 (chattering) 261 00:13:58,712 --> 00:14:00,214 Thank you for coming. 262 00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:01,841 (clears throat) 263 00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:04,885 "Smart lads who slip at times away. 264 00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:07,513 From fields where glory will not stay. 265 00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:10,391 Runners whom the race outran 266 00:14:10,474 --> 00:14:12,518 and the name died before the man." 267 00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:13,936 Krusty, does this have a point? 268 00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:16,939 Yes. I'm quitting show business. 269 00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:21,235 I was just trying to go out with a little class, you jackass. 270 00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:24,446 But, Krusty, why now? Why not 20 years ago? 271 00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,866 'Cause comedy ain't funny anymore. 272 00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:30,995 Instead of time-tested jokes about women drivers and doctor bills, 273 00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:33,330 you got some big-chin schlub 274 00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:36,750 reading typos from the Palookaville Post. 275 00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:39,837 Well, here's a headline for you. Nobody cares. 276 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,631 (laughing) 277 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,967 Hey, I washed your hair. 278 00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:47,011 These comics today. 279 00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:49,555 "Ooh, look at me. I can't set my VCR. 280 00:14:49,638 --> 00:14:51,724 I can't open a bag of airline peanuts. 281 00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:53,475 I'm a freakin' moron." 282 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:55,728 (laughing) 283 00:14:55,811 --> 00:14:58,522 (laughing) Krusty's gone nuts. 284 00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:01,942 Then you got these lady comics talking about stuff 285 00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:04,278 that would embarrass Redd Foxx. 286 00:15:04,361 --> 00:15:05,988 God rest his smutty soul. 287 00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:09,491 Who they slept with. What time they sit on the can? 288 00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:13,078 -This is supposed to get you a husband? -(laughing) 289 00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,831 What the hell are you laughin' at? I'm just tellin' the truth. 290 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,667 -(laughing) And it's funny. -It is? 291 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:23,172 In that case, I'm proud to announce my triumphant return to comedy. 292 00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:25,591 (cheering) 293 00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:35,643 -"Four drink minimum"? -I'll cover you, honey. 294 00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:39,188 Hi, how you folks doing? I'm Moe. 295 00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:41,523 Or, as the ladies like to call me, 296 00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:43,359 "Hey, you, behind the bushes." 297 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:48,739 -Is this thing on? -No. Sorry, Moe. 298 00:15:49,990 --> 00:15:50,866 (feedback on P.A. system) 299 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,494 And now, without further Apu. 300 00:15:53,577 --> 00:15:56,205 I have been zinged and I love it. 301 00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:58,207 The last angry clown, 302 00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:01,502 the man who spews truth from every orifice, 303 00:16:01,585 --> 00:16:04,338 ladies and gentlemen, Krusty. 304 00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:08,342 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 305 00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:13,931 So I'm watchin' TV today-- 306 00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:15,975 Whoo! TV, yeah! 307 00:16:16,058 --> 00:16:20,479 All I keep seein' is dead celebrities hawkin' products. 308 00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:24,066 The got poor Vincent Price floatin' around on a toilet cake 309 00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:27,861 tellin' me about "the horrors of an 'unfresh' bowl." 310 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,822 (laughing) 311 00:16:29,905 --> 00:16:33,325 And I tell you somethin' else, I do not believe Winston Churchill 312 00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:35,327 would eat at Der Wienerschnitzel. 313 00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,079 (laughing) 314 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:42,459 There's nothin' those Madison Avenue grave robbers won't do 315 00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:45,337 -to get us to buy their crap. -(cheering) 316 00:16:45,879 --> 00:16:47,798 Impeach Churchill! 317 00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:49,717 Well, here's one dollar 318 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,094 those crooks aren't gonna get their hands on. 319 00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:55,848 -(gasping) -Uh, isn't that illegal? 320 00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:59,685 I don't care if it is illegal. I'm makin' a stand here. Who's with me? 321 00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:02,187 I am! I worked like a dog for this. 322 00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:05,816 -(man 1) Yeah! -(man 2) Me too. 323 00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:09,111 Oh, you're burning it all wrong, Seymour. 324 00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:12,281 {\an8}It's my allowance, Mother, and I'll burn it the way I want. 325 00:17:13,323 --> 00:17:15,242 Take that, you greedy fat cats. 326 00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:18,287 -Marge, give me your purse. -Here's $42. That's everything I have. 327 00:17:18,370 --> 00:17:20,956 -Run home and bury it in the yard. -I love you, Mom. 328 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,584 (cheering, clamoring) 329 00:17:26,503 --> 00:17:29,131 Wow, they're hanging on his every word. 330 00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:32,342 -Are you thinking what I'm thinking? -I hope so. 331 00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:36,096 I thought I made myself clear in Boston. 332 00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:40,893 (chuckling) From now on 333 00:17:40,976 --> 00:17:43,520 I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. 334 00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:46,106 Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs. 335 00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,691 -Dad! -You too, Bart. 336 00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:51,403 Oh, knock it off, Homer. You're the fattest one in the car. 337 00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,781 {\an8}You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge. 338 00:17:59,369 --> 00:18:02,414 I'm proud of you, Krusty. Oh, sure, I've got material success, 339 00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:05,876 my own show, acres of cars, a nice microwave oven. 340 00:18:06,251 --> 00:18:07,586 But you're out there on the edge. 341 00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:09,797 You're doin' it for the sheer thrill. 342 00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:13,842 And if I wasn't so afraid of clowns, I'd give you a big hug. 343 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:17,137 Hey, excuse me, Krusty. We've been watching you at Moe's all week. 344 00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:19,681 And your credibility is just wow. 345 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:21,308 Get to the point, Armani. 346 00:18:21,391 --> 00:18:22,976 Well, we think you'd be the perfect spokesman 347 00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:26,021 for our company's new sports utility vehicle, the Canyonero. 348 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,565 I guess you Wall Street weasels didn't get the word. 349 00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:30,192 Krusty's not for sale. 350 00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:33,070 But you endorse everything. In fact, this endorsement contract 351 00:18:33,153 --> 00:18:34,947 comes from your line of legal forms. 352 00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:36,865 It's a quality form. 353 00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,450 But those days are behind me. 354 00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,244 I don't shill for nobody no more. 355 00:18:40,327 --> 00:18:43,789 Are you sure? 'Cause we're prepared to offer you 356 00:18:43,872 --> 00:18:46,458 a free, fully-loaded Canyonero. 357 00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:50,796 (stuttering) Oh, well. 358 00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:55,634 No! Take your corporate blood wagon and get the hell out. 359 00:18:55,717 --> 00:18:57,344 Are you sure? It's free. 360 00:18:58,262 --> 00:18:59,680 Stop saying that! 361 00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:04,518 (cheering) 362 00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:07,521 I brought a bag of money in case he wants us to burn it again. 363 00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:09,273 I hope he tells us to burn our pants. 364 00:19:09,356 --> 00:19:10,983 These things are driving me nuts. 365 00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:14,528 So this afternoon, two suits come up to me 366 00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:18,073 and ask me to endorse some new sports utility vehicle. 367 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,367 -What did you do? -(gasping) 368 00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:21,994 Don't you hate pants? 369 00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:24,830 I threw those two creeps out on their ass. 370 00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:27,416 (cheering) 371 00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:30,377 Then they followed me home, 372 00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:32,838 beggin' me to take a test drive. 373 00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:36,175 And let me tell you, talk about roomy. 374 00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:41,138 The Canyonero combines the smooth handling of a European sports car 375 00:19:41,221 --> 00:19:43,765 with the rugged drivability of a sturdy 4x4. 376 00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,727 -(murmuring) -Hey, Krusty, what are you talking about? 377 00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:48,896 I thought you said those guys were creeps. 378 00:19:48,979 --> 00:19:51,648 Yeah, but that was before I got to know 'em. 379 00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:56,862 And I'm tellin' you, the Canyonero is the Cadillac of automobiles. 380 00:19:56,945 --> 00:19:58,447 That's Canyonero. 381 00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:01,867 (clamoring) 382 00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:06,496 Wait! Where you going? I still got plenty of beefs. 383 00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:09,416 Fat-free yogurt. The--The quality of computer porn. 384 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,043 (groans) 385 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,170 I knew I should've gone on first. 386 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:19,218 I don't get it, Krusty. You said you would never be a shill again. 387 00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:22,846 Eh. I learned something about myself tonight, kid. 388 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:27,309 It ain't comedy that's in my blood. It's selling out. 389 00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:29,770 Come on, I'll give you a ride home. 390 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:34,650 Wow. This is roomy. 391 00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:37,152 (country music playing) 392 00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,570 (starts engine) 393 00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:41,573 MAN (singing): ♪ Can you name the truck with four-wheel drive? ♪ 394 00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,742 ♪ Smells like a steak, and seats 35 ♪ 395 00:20:43,825 --> 00:20:44,701 ♪ Canyonero ♪ 396 00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:45,702 (whip cracks) 397 00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:47,120 ♪ Canyonero ♪ 398 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:48,080 (whip cracks) 399 00:20:48,455 --> 00:20:50,749 ♪ Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down ♪ 400 00:20:50,832 --> 00:20:53,085 ♪ It's the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown ♪ 401 00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:54,586 ♪ Canyonero ♪ 402 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:55,754 MAN: Hyah! 403 00:20:55,837 --> 00:20:56,922 (whip cracks) 404 00:20:57,005 --> 00:21:00,717 ♪ Canyonero ♪ 405 00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:02,344 Hey, hey! 406 00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:03,387 ANNOUNCER: The Federal Highway Commission 407 00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:06,431 has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving. 408 00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:08,642 ♪ Canyonero ♪ 409 00:21:08,725 --> 00:21:09,726 (whip cracks) 410 00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:15,857 (song continues) 411 00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:17,943 ♪ Twelve yards long and two lanes wide ♪ 412 00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:20,112 ♪ Sixty-five tons of American pride ♪ 413 00:21:20,195 --> 00:21:21,196 ♪ Canyonero ♪ 414 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,114 (whip cracks) 415 00:21:22,197 --> 00:21:23,824 ♪ Canyonero ♪ 416 00:21:23,907 --> 00:21:25,033 (whip cracks) 417 00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:27,536 ♪ Top of the line in utility sports ♪ 418 00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:29,538 ♪ Unexplained fires are a matter for the court ♪ 419 00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:30,872 ♪ Canyonero ♪ 420 00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:31,832 (whip cracks) 421 00:21:31,915 --> 00:21:33,125 ♪ Canyonero ♪ 422 00:21:33,208 --> 00:21:34,251 MAN: Hyah! 423 00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:35,544 (whip cracks) 424 00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:38,880 ♪ She blinds everybody with her super high beam ♪ 425 00:21:38,964 --> 00:21:41,341 ♪ She's a squirrel-squashin' deer-smackin' drivin' machine ♪ 426 00:21:41,425 --> 00:21:42,759 ♪ Canyonero ♪ 427 00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:44,845 -MAN: Hyah! -(whip cracks) 428 00:21:44,928 --> 00:21:48,473 ♪ Canyonero! ♪ 429 00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:50,726 -MAN: Hyah! -(whip cracks) 430 00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:53,061 -Canyonero! -Hyah! Hyah! 431 00:21:53,478 --> 00:21:55,605 -(whip cracks) - Whoa, Canyonero! 432 00:21:55,689 --> 00:21:56,982 -(whip cracks) - Whoa! 433 00:21:58,859 --> 00:22:00,360 (theme music playing) 434 00:22:39,816 --> 00:22:40,901 Shh! 435 00:22:43,820 --> 00:22:45,822 {\an8}Captioned by Visual Data Media Services