CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(bell ringing)
(tires screeching)
D'oh!
(screams)
(tires screeching)
Whoa-ho, Texas snowball fight!
(chuckling)
Ow! Bart, that has nuts in it.
Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath.
Yeah, Mom says a lot of things.
Aw, I understand kids.
I'm not a bath man myself-- more of a cologne man.
Actually, we can't take a bath anyway.
The water heater is broken.
Don't worry.
Daddy'll fix it.
Hmm.
(grunting)
Out of my way! She's gonna blow.
(rumbling)
What on earth?
Hi, sweetie. I'm off to Moe's. Love you.
(tires squealing)
HOMER: To Marge...
and all the blissful years
I've spent hiding from her in this bar.
ALL: Hear, hear.
Yeah, big deal-- you got a wife.
I got a rash. Who cares?
Uh, I'm sorry, Homer.
It's just-- it's been four years since my last date
with a whatcha-call-it, uh, woman.
Whatever happened to your mail-order bride?
Oh, she got homesick for her old life--
Diving for tourist pennies in a Micronesian swamp.
So, her career got in the way.
Yeah. I don't blame her.
No girl wants to end up with a Joe Puke-Pail like me.
Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe.
You're a fabulous catch.
Oh, yeah?
Well, uh, how come I ain't fending off movie starlets
with a pointy stick?
Oh, it's probably due to your ugliness,
but that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman.
Come on.
We're going to the darkest bar in town.
♪ Ow, she's a brick... house ♪
♪ She's mighty mighty ♪
♪ Just lettin' it all hang out ♪
♪ Oh, she's a brick... ♪
Uh, I don't know, Homer.
Women can smell panic
and, uh, right now, I got to be reeking of it.
Relax.
All I smell is garlic and fish.
(sighs)
♪ House... ♪
Uh, you look pretty clean.
You, uh, mind if I have this dance?
It's all yours.
(sighs)
♪ Everything... ♪
OK, I won't lie to you.
A lot of people saw that.
But you got to keep trying.
(clears throat)
♪ How can she lose with the stuff she use... ♪
So, hi there.
Uh, don't scream.
Oh, hi.
Want to join me for a Bacardi and soda?
Yeah.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Or maybe you'd prefer
a cool refreshing Bacardi Colada...
Sure. Whatever.
Because Bacardi makes the night come alive
with freshness.
Uh, do you work for Bacardi?
No. I'm in love with you.
(sighs)
Hey, don't give up, Moe.
The girl of your dreams has got to be in some bar.
Aw, there's nobody for Moe.
I'm just going to die lonely and ugly and... dead.
WOMAN: Well, hello, Mary Sunshine.
Huh?
Aw, cheer up.
Here, have a flower.
All right, come on, what's the catch?
A gorgeous woman don't just hand you a free daffy-dil.
Really? You think I'm gorgeous?
Yeah, well, the part that's showing.
I guess you could have a lot of weird scars
or a fake ass or something.
You don't talk to a lot of women, do you?
Well, no-no... Well, no, not a lot.
I... gee, I'm sorry.
I used to box, you know, and my brain's...
Well, it's kind of in and out.
Oh, that's awful,
and look at your little ears.
Yeah, there's extensive cauliflowering.
Well, your bow tie is just darling.
(laughing)
Oh, well, thanks.
Yeah, it kind of draws the eye away from the old mug.
I like a face with character.
Let's get out of here, Moe.
This is going nowhere.
Yeah, I...
Look, I don't suppose you'd ever want to, uh--
I don't know-- get together sometime?
You mean, like a date?
Well, I don't know.
Oh, what was I thinking?
A-a beautiful girl like you and a gargoyle like me.
-I-I'm sorry. -Hold on, hold on.
-I didn't say "no" exactly. -Really?
Hot damn! Don't eat nothing
for the next three days, 'cause I'm taking you out
for a steak the size of a toilet seat.
Well, when you put it that way...
My name's Renee.
Who cares? You're going out with me. (laughs)
She's going out with me, cat!
Mm... Muah!
HOMER: Stop kissin' that cat, and get in the car!
♪ I thought love was only true in fairy tales ♪
♪ Meant for someone else but not for me ♪
♪ Then I saw her face ♪
♪ Now I'm a believer ♪
♪ Not a trace ♪
♪ Of doubt in my mind ♪
♪ I'm in love ♪
♪ Mmm... I'm a believer... ♪
♪ I couldn't leave her if I tried ♪
Hey, hey! Sabu!
Uh, I need another magnum of your best champagne here, eh?
And bring us the finest food you got
stuffed with the second finest.
Excellent, sir...
Lobster stuffed with tacos.
(laughter)
So, Renee, it looks like you've taken
quite a shine to Moe.
Do you mind if I ask why?
Marge...
I didn't mean any disrespect.
I just can't figure it out.
Well, to be honest, at first, it was just pity...
Ah.
Yeah, it's like out of a storybook, ain't it?
But he's really grown on me.
He's got this insecure, sweaty charm...
Oh, yeah, I got that.
And he's so thoughtful.
Last night, he bought
all the seats in a movie theater
just so we could have a romantic evening together.
Yeah, well, I just get so tired
of idiots shooting their mouths off
laughing and clapping...
makes me want to start poking eyes out
and slashing guts and kicking throats.
-It's OK, Moe. -I'm sorry.
It's just-- I'm so happy I met you.
WAITER: Uh, excuse me, sir.
Will there be anything else?
Uh, yeah.
Park the dessert cart under this beautiful lady's nose
and charge it all to my Players Club card.
Ooh, Players Club.
Yes, sir!
MOE: Yeah, I want to send her
two dozen roses
and I want to put something nice on the card
like, um... uh, "Renee, my treasure..."
(Barney laughing)
Hey, shut up
or I'll ram a stool down your throat!
Uh, no, no-no, I don't want that on the card.
Well, let me hear how it sounds.
Nah, nah, take it out. Take it out...
And charge it to my Players Club card.
Maxed out?
(sighs) Look, I really need these flowers, OK?
I got a real tenuous hold on my girlfriend here...
(dial tone)
Hello?
(grunts)
Well, that's it. It's all over.
Renee ain't going to want to hang around
with no Joe Pinchpenny.
Aw, come on, Moe.
Think of all you have to offer besides money.
Hmm.
I need cash and lots of it.
Um, all right, everybody, I'm calling in your bar tabs.
(clamoring)
You bunch of ungrateful ingrates!
You... Aw, Homer, what am I going to do?
Renee's my last chance for true love.
If you really need money,
you could sell a kidney or maybe even your car.
Nah, my car ain't worth nothing...
But it is insured for five grand.
Homer, I need your help.
You got to steal this car and wreck it for me.
Steal?
Oh, no, you got the wrong guy.
You dropped something.
Come on, Homer, I'm one of your dearest friends.
When everybody said
you were too drunk to drive that time,
who gave you your keys?
Oh... You did, but I still don't know.
I can just imagine what Marge would say.
Homer, I insist you steal that car.
I'll do it!
OK, here's the plan.
This model car represents my car, huh?
And this olive is you. Now...
Mmm... Me.
Hey, hey! Aw, that's great.
Now the car's going to have to represent you
and this little toy man will represent the car...
All right, forget it, forget it. Listen up here.
Tomorrow night at 8:00,
you go down to the waterfront and you "steal" my car.
What about the cops?
That's the beauty part.
Every cop in town's going to be
on the police department's moonlight charity cruise
And I'm gonna be right there with them.
So, as soon as you get back
we steal the car, right?
Ri... No, no, wrong.
Listen, while I'm on the boat with the perfect alibi,
you steal my car and park it on the railroad tracks.
Then when the 10:15 train comes along-- wham!
Insurance company pays off 5,000 clams,
I keep showing Renee the sweet life.
You're a genius, Moe.
All your troubles will soon be over
for a couple of months.
(all gulping and smacking lips)
Why all the black?
Why all the pearls?
Why all the hair? Why anything?
You look a little nervous, Dad.
No, you look a little nervous, Lisa.
You're up to something, aren't you?
No. I'm just going out to commit certain deeds.
(under breath) Suckers...
Thank you. Welcome, folks.
Have fun. Drink responsibly...
Till we're a mile out.
(chuckles)
Uh, excuse me there, Officer.
You see my car there?
With the rubber hippie daisy,
space 7-a?
Uh, yeah, what about it?
I was just thinking
what a good parking job I did with it.
Yeah, hey, that is nice.
Hey, Lou! Lou, check out that park job in 7-a.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! That's sweet.
(muted Dixieland playing)
(giggles)
I'm going to be the best car thief ever.
Hey!
Oh, no you don't!
MAN: Ow...
(tires squealing)
(laughs) He thought he was gonna steal- d'oh!
♪ Stealing, stealing ♪
♪ Stealing a car for Moe ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da, da-da, da-da ♪
♪ Insurance fraud today... ♪
They're showing Hail to the Chimp!
Oh, I have time to see one little movie.
(tires screeching)
MAN: Mr. President,
your welfare proposal
Is nothing but a lot of technical jargon
and partisan rhetoric...
(shrieking)
(screams)
Get off me, Mr. President!
(laughs) That's what you get for not hailing to the chimp.
(Big Band music playing)
Moe, you seem awfully distracted tonight.
And you're sweating a lot, even for you.
Am I?
Huh, hadn't noticed.
(cries out)
(loud crash)
RENEE: Isn't it a beautiful moon tonight?
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll look up with you in one minute.
(train whistle blows)
(gasps) The train.
Do you hear that? That's the train. (sighs)
Isn't that the most beautiful sound you ever heard?
It's almost as sweet as your voice.
Aw...
Muah.
(train whistle blows)
Oh, no...
The train!
(tires screeching)
D'oh! I got to find another way to wreck Moe's car.
(train whistle blows)
Oh, honey, this whole evening was so wonderful.
Except when that drunken cop
started firing at those seagulls.
-(seagull squawking) -(man screams) Get him off!
Yeah, yeah, the plan went off without a hitch.
What plan?
The what? The- the wonderful evening plan.
WIGGUM: Hey, Moe. Isn't that your car up there
with the rubber hippie daisy?
The one that was parked in 7-a?
Hey! Hey, what's it doing there?
It was supposed to be on the railroad tracks.
No, I mean, the parking lot.
Homer, you moron.
Homer, you genius.
(chuckles)
Geronimo!
(groans)
(grunting)
Huh?
(screams)
(sighs)
(shrieks)
(screams)
(thud)
(sighs)
(screams)
(muted scream)
Huh.
Huh. Well, that car thief can't hold his breath forever.
And if he can, chief?
Then God help us all.
(guns cocking)
Isn't that your friend Homer?
Oh, oh! Homer!
Oh, how... could you?
You're under arrest, Simpson, for grand theft auto.
Now put up your hands.
(whimpers)
(camera clicking)
Brilliant! Brilliant!
OK, let's do another, but this time,
try to look scarier.
Kind of like... (growls)
-Grr. -Gorgeous! Gorgeous, baby.
That's it. That's it.
Your fingerprints are just like snowflakes.
They're both very pretty.
LOU: Simpson! You have visitors.
Homer, did you really steal a car?
Whoa! Hang on a minute.
The guard said I had visitors coming.
Dad, we're the visitors.
Oh. Oh! Oh, great.
Listen, I know it looks bad, but all I can tell you
is I destroyed that car for all the right reasons.
I'd like to believe you...
That's my girl.
You just go home
and don't worry your pretty blue head about it.
Moe will take care of everything.
Well, Dad, in the meantime, here's a carton of smokes
you can use to buy stuff.
Aw, thanks, boy.
I'll give you two packs for that candy bar.
-Three. Why, you little-- -(choking)
Guard! Guard!
(snoring)
MOE: Psst! Homer. Homer, wake up.
Moe! Oh, Moe, thank God you're here.
Yeah, congratulations, Homer.
The plan worked perfectly.
But I'm in jail.
Yeah, yeah, that's a...
That's a kick in the pants.
Moe, you got to get me out of here.
Tell the cops I didn't steal the car.
Say you lent it to me.
Yeah, I wish I could, Homer.
But if I change my story,
they're gonna throw me in here.
But, Moe, we're best friends.
Oh, cripes, the puppy dog look.
(sighs)
All right, all right.
I'll use the money to bail you out.
Hurry, Moe.
At 3:00, they're going to put us in the exercise yard.
The exercise yard!
Is everything OK, honey?
Your shirt is so dry.
Yeah, yeah, I'm OK.
There's just something I got to do.
Oh, look at that-- Hawaii.
Oh, that looks so romantic.
Well, if Hawaii's what my baby wants,
Hawaii's what my baby gets.
Oh, no, that's too expensive.
Let's just get a can of poi
and eat it in the tub.
Nah, nah, nah, we're going for the real thing.
First class all the way.
Come on, we can leave tonight.
(Hawaiian music playing)
Mmm.
Ten minutes till fresh air and exercise.
(gasps) Hurry up, Moe. For the love of God, hurry up!
Hawaii, here we come.
(singing in Hawaiian)
(chuckles)
(in English) Hawaii?
What about Hawaii?
Moe? Who's going to Hawaii?
Am I going to Hawaii?
(clanging)
Stop saying "Hawaii" in there.
Let me out! I'm innocent!
I changed my mind!
I don't want to be in here anymore!
Forget it, Simpson.
You're going to the chair.
(gasps)
The interrogation chair.
(relieved sigh)
-Plug it in, boys. -(gasps)
Ukelele...
Pineapples...
Beach pistol...
Scandalously revealing thong.
(eerie voice): Going somewhere?
Wha...?
(gasps)
Homer!
Moe...
You killed me.
Hey, no. No, y-you ain't dead.
Y-y-you're just in jail.
Oh, right.
Wait a second.
I'm in jail because of you.
You were my friend, and you betrayed me.
Oh, my God, he's right.
Oh, how could I treat a friend that way? (grunts)
HOMER: Exactly.
Exactly!
(gulping)
Hey, get your mouth off of that.
RENEE: Were you yelling at me, Moe-Moe?
Huh? No. No, no, no.
It's just that, um...
(sighs)
Renee, there's something I got to tell you.
Oh, no.
You're gay, aren't you?
Oh, boy, Renee, you sure can pick them.
Nah, it ain't that.
What, so you're married?
No, no.
I-- Hey, why did you say "gay" first?
Mm-hmm.
Would you care for some reading material?
Hmm... This could be useful.
(grunts)
So, like a coward,
I let Homer take the rap for the whole scam.
And now, the only way to clear him
is to turn myself in.
I-I don't know what to say.
I'm shocked.
I mean, you broke the law and betrayed a friend.
Yeah, you're right.
You shouldn't be wasting your time
with a lowlife like me.
Oh, Moe, don't say that.
You made a mistake,
but at least you're trying to set things straight.
Yeah, that's true.
That's true, baby. Hmm.
It'll be hell being locked away from you,
but I guess I got to take my medicine.
Unless...
Unless I send a letter to the police clearing Homer.
Yeah?
Then we go to the graveyard and steal two corpses.
Oh, my God.
We switch clothes with them and leave them in the bar.
Then we pour some brandy around
like so...
Yeah, would you hand me my keys?
Uh, yeah. Here you go.
Then, we light a match.
And fwoof! We start a new life in Hawaii.
Good-bye, Moe.
Where you going, baby?
You going to find the corpses?
Yes, Moe, I'm going to find corpses.
Uh, well, you want me to come with?
Renee?
Dearest?
Ahh...
She ain't coming back.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Uh-oh.
Must kill Moe.
Whee!
Must kill Moe.
Whee!
You!
Homer, thank God.
You gotta help me here.
Oh, I'll help you.
Help you die!
(yells)
All right, that's it.
You're going down, pal.
(both grunting)
(both coughing)
Oh, boy.
(coughing)
I really want to sleep.
I... also sleep.
Good night, Mommy.
Moe! Homer!
(screams)
The booze!
(wheezing and coughing)
(groans)
Oh, Homer, I've been the world's biggest rat.
Can you ever forgive me?
Oh, I could never stay mad at you, Moe.
After all, you get me drunk.
Aw!
Ah, my poor bar.
It's all gone.
-(sobbing) -Aw, Moe, Moe.
Moe, dry those beady little eyes.
Your buddy Homer'll get you back on your feet.
♪ Well, I ain't seen my baby since I don't know when ♪
♪ I've been drinkin' bourbon, whiskey ♪
Moe, another beer down here.
Coming right up.
♪ Gonna get high man I'm gonna get loose ♪
♪ Need me a triple shot of that juice ♪
Hey, there's a balloon machine
in the bathroom.
Kids, from now on,
I don't want you touching anything in our house.
Dart!
-Woo-hoo! -Yeah! Nice shot, Homer!
(cheering)
ALL: Yay!
♪ One bourbon ♪
♪ One scotch ♪
♪ One beer ♪
(murmuring)
Shh!
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services