CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(tires screeching)
D'oh! (screams)
♪ ...Scratchy Show ♪
(moans)
I want a job.
You've got it.
-(screams) -(fire crackling)
(whimpering)
I quit.
(screaming)
(clinking)
No! No! No!
(laughing)
Man, you'd think the quality would dip
after 5,500 shows, but...
(laughing)
Well, the F.C.C. isn't laughing.
They don't believe kids are learning anything
from Itchy and Scratchy.
Oh, please!
What don't they learn?
Don't trust mice.
Cats are made of glass.
Our license renewal is on the bubble.
We need educational programming fast.
What about that Mattel and Mars Bar
quick energy Chocobot hour?
That's barely legal as it is.
Here's what I was thinking.
A newscast for kids by kids.
Well, you're not taking any time out of my show.
It's jammed up as it is.
There's the monologue, those idiot puppets,
Krusty's nap time, the second monologue,
Paul Harvey, Senor Pepino...
I tell you, it's the tightest three hours and 10 minutes on TV.
We're cutting ten minutes from your show.
Well, I guess we could trim the hobo parade to a lean 20.
(children laughing)
Ach! She's a bonny pile.
Now for a wee nip and a wee nap.
Ready, Milhouse?
-Ready! -(grunts)
(screaming)
(grunting)
You owe me a quarter. I didn't crack my skull.
Rats!
(screaming)
Ach! Me pile!
It's been raped of its bonniness!
-(growls) -Hi, Willie.
-My board! -Yeah. It's Willie's board now.
And she'll make a fine piece of kindling.
(pounding)
Sorry! Willie can't hear you.
(soft bagpipe music playing)
(peppy bagpipe music playing)
(loud bagpipe music playing)
(kicking and pounding)
It's pure.
Hmm.
I really didn't want it to come to this.
(whistling)
Lisa, Channel Six is launching a children's news program.
And they've asked me to select an outstanding student
to be anchor-child.
(gasps) Oh, my gosh! Today's top story,
"Little girl on cloud nine as dream comes true."
Lisa, I've selected you to be that child anchor.
I know. I already jumped to that conclusion.
Hmm. All right, if you're so smart,
tell me who I selected to be lunchroom monitor.
Me?
Take your sash and go.
This isn't right!
This isn't right at all!
(grunting)
I'll have to eat my way out.
(chomping)
Ach! It's terrible!
(explosion)
My shack!
My beautiful shack!
Oh, and I just got it the way I like it.
(chuckling)
You did this, Bart Simpson!
The man knows quality work.
This time you're in for it, Bart!
Hah! What's he going to do?
I'll kill ya!
(choking)
All right, back on the stretcher.
LISA: And I'll be able to tackle
all the hard-hitting children's news
the grown-up controlled media won't touch.
Plus, I get to be on TV!
Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.
All your hard work and grade-grubbing
have finally paid off.
So who's on your news team?
Nerd, nerd...
Nelson?!
Well, we used to date. Plus, he threatened me.
Well, don't worry about sports. I got that covered.
Back off, Bart.
This may be the only chance I get as a second grader
to produce my own TV show,
and I'm not gonna let you screw it up.
Mom...
Oh, let your brother do sports.
Mom...
That "mom" stuff doesn't work on me.
HOMER: Ooh! "The gum with the cracker center."
Mmm.
That'll do it, Apu, so just...
(gasps)
(screams)
APU: Do not be alarmed.
That is just my helper monkey, sir.
I got him after a robber
shot me six times and left me for dead.
Helper monkey, eh?
(laughing)
Hey, I'm on TV!
Fart!
Come on! Quit fooling around, you guys.
(in foreign accent) So, we meet again, Mr. Bond.
Bart, get out of my anchor chair.
Silence, Octopussy!
Come on! This isn't a joke.
All over town, kids are just waking up from their naps,
cranky and hungry for the news.
Wow! Kent Brockman!
Good luck, kids.
Where the hell's my grilled cheese?
(monkeys hooting)
I'd like a monkey, please.
And maybe one of those dogs. What do they do?
Um... They serve as seeing eyes for the blind, sir.
They do any other tricks?
-No. -Just the monkey then.
Uh... May I inquire as to how you are differently abled?
(chuckles) I'm not handicapped.
I'm just lazy.
Uh... Sir, helper monkeys are only for
the physically challenged or enfeebled.
Enfeebled?
Ooh, I know just the guy. Be right back.
Oh, son, this monkey's
going to change my life.
Mind if I take him for a ride?
Sure. I'll just stand here.
(tires screech)
Mmm! I can't wait to eat that monkey.
(imitating news theme music)
And now, Kidz Newz!
(continues imitating) With Kidz Newz anchor, Lisa!
(imitating) ♪ Pa pa pa pa pa pam ♪
Thank you.
Our top story today.
In a move that could affect children town-wide,
the library book purchase committee
slashed its budget by three percent.
First on the chopping block, periodicals.
Boring.
And now, sports.
Bart Simpson telling you to lock the doggy in the barn
'cause here comes dodgeball action!
The shirts continued their domination over the skins today.
And in schoolyard fights,
the highly anticipated match between Kearney and Mr. Largo
ended in a disqualification for use of dog doo on a stick.
Lisa?
DIRECTOR: And we are out.
All right, kids. We learned a lot today.
Now, this is what makes my job difficult.
Bart, you're off the sports beat.
What?
Sorry, Bart. But you've got to take some things seriously.
From now on, you're Lisa's co-anchor.
What?!
Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
Anchorman, huh? Well, if I'm going to be an anchorman,
I better go bleach the crud off my teeth.
I'll be in makeup.
-(door closes) -I don't need a co-anchor.
I'm a straight "A" student.
Lisa, Bart's got something
you can't learn in school. Zazz.
What is "Zazz"?
Zing, zork, kapowza.
Call it what you want.
In any language, it spells mazuma in the bank.
"Zork"? What is "zork"?
I didn't say "Zork."
The point is, the camera loves him.
But that trivializes the whole idea of Kidz Newz.
I mean, let's be honest.
Bart's not exactly the brightest penny in the fountain.
In English, Lisa.
Damn blueberry stains.
Look, I love Bart,
but he's never even read a newspaper.
Between you and me, he's, well...
Kind of dumb.
(sighs)
-(monkey chattering) -(panicked grunting)
There a problem, honey?
Monkey! There's a monkey in the house!
-Ah! -Relax. It's only Mojo.
-Mojo, Marge. -Marge, Mojo.
He can do anything you show him.
Watch.
Simpson residence.
(chitters)
Oh. Why didn't you tell me
you were bringing home a filthy monkey?
This filthy monkey made the orange juice you're drinking.
I'll show Lisa who's dumb.
"Supreme court reverses..."
(groans)
I won't turn to the comics, I won't turn to the comics.
All right.
I'll read one comic just to get me rolling-- "Archie."
"Hey, Jughead, did you hear?
The supreme court reversed..." (groans)
(Mojo gibbering)
Mom, am I dumb?
Honey, I'd love to reassure you,
but right now, mommy needs a tetanus shot.
(doorbell rings)
Mr. Brockman, I need your help.
I've got to become a great anchor
so I can show up my sister.
Sister, huh?
I've got a sister.
Miss Big-Shot-CNN Washington correspondent.
(blows raspberry) But she's not the boss of me!
Come in.
Let's take the trophy route to the den.
Twelve newsies.
Seven iron mikes.
Four golden coifs.
This is the most prestigious award that Del Monte gives.
Do you want to hear my award-winning secret?
Human interest stories.
They tug at the heart and fog the mind.
Observe.
KENT: Hear that?
It's the sound of children's laughter...
Silenced.
That's because tomorrow, this old carousel
which has delighted young Americans for, lo, these past six years--
will be torn down to make way for the future.
A store that sells designer mouse pads.
Well, I guess there's no room in this modern world
-for old blackie here. -(carousel surface squeaking)
But if you don't mind,
this reporter is going for... One last ride.
( music playing) ♪ To everything ♪
♪ Turn, turn, turn... ♪
This is Kent Brockman...
♪ Turn, turn, turn... ♪
Reporting.
NELSON: (imitating news theme music)
And now,
-Kidz Newz. -(groans)
Marge, the kids are on.
The monkey's on my part of the sofa.
Honey, he's clearly marked his territory.
(groans)
We'll bring you more on this chalk shortage as it continues.
And now, Bart's been looking into
that alleged ham salad from yesterday's school lunch.
No, I haven't, Lisa,
because I went out with a camera
and did a different kind of story.
(nervously) Bart, I really think we should stick--
It's about a man...
A simple man.
He's one of...
"Bart's People."
Joe Banks, 82 years young,
has come to this pond every day
for the past 17 years to feed the ducks.
The last month, Joe made a discovery.
The ducks were gone.
Some say the ducks went to Canada.
Others say Toronto,
and some people think
that Joe used to sit down there, near those ducks.
But it could be
that there's just no room in this modern world
for an old man and his ducks.
(chorus singing) ♪ Where have all the flowers gone ♪
♪ Long time passing... ♪
(softly) Smithers... (sniffs)
Do you think maybe my power plant
killed those ducks?
There's no maybe about it, sir.
(sniffs) Excellent.
Marge, can I get a duck?
You already have a monkey.
Can he get a duck?
-No! -(chattering)
One man, no ducks.
Lisa?
That's Kidz Newz. Good night.
-(people applauding) -(sobbing)
Way to go Bart.
That wasn't news.
That was sappy, manipulative drivel.
Well. I'm sorry you couldn't feel for Old Joe.
You didn't feel for him, either,
you big, fat phony!
Bart, look up here.
This is where the tears would be if I could cry.
But I can't. Botched face-lift.
You could learn from him, Mary Ann.
-It's Lisa. -Mary Ann's better.
They want cheap sentiment?
I'll pump them so full of sap, they'll be blowing their nose
with a pancake!
They call her "The Cat Lady."
People say she's crazy
just because she has a few dozen cats.
But can anyone who loves animals that much really be crazy?
(raving incoherently)
(cats screeching)
The old Union Pacific doesn't come by here much anymore...
(train whistle blowing)
-(raving incoherently) -(screaming)
(cats screeching)
Come on. Come to papa.
(Mojo chittering)
Good boy, Mojo.
Now, bring them down and I'll give you one.
Will you... stop that?
You're a helper monkey!
This isn't helping!
Oh... I don't need your pity.
(whimpering)
BART: Our forgotten veterans.
Their guns are quiet now...
Their helmets lost or pawned,
and yet, here they are,
making flags out of old clothes.
Sure, they may not have the right number of stripes
and the colors are all wrong, and some purists will tell you
the American flag doesn't contain the word "Jordache."
But, you now, if they run this up the flagpole,
I'll salute. I'm Bart Simpson.
Hmm. Thank you, Bart,
for yet another touching "Bart's People."
Now, turning to--
I just think our veterans deserve a little recognition.
That's what Veterans Day is for, Bart.
But is that really enough to honor our brave soldiers?
(chuckles) They also have Memorial Day.
Oh, Lisa, maybe you're right. Maybe you're wrong.
The important thing is, veterans deserve a day to honor them.
They have two!
Well, maybe they should have three.
I'm Bart Simpson.
Oh, my! Look at all these letters
from people who want to be "Bart's People," Bart.
I wish they could all be "Bart's People," Mom.
I truly do.
I'm proud of you, honey.
You're finally giving something back
to the community after taking so, so much.
Hmm. Really makes you think.
What does that even mean?
Mom might not see through you, but I do.
You don't care about any of these people.
Well, if I'm guilty of anything,
maybe it's caring too much.
I'm Bart Simpson.
Stop talking like that! Stop it!
Lisa, please!
You have absolutely no reason to be jealous.
You're still a very important part
of Bart's show.
(frustrated groan)
"Bart's Show"!
If everybody knew what a phony Bart was,
he'd be off that show so fast...
I've got it!
(laughs)
(maniacal laugh)
(wild maniacal laughing)
-(screeching laugh) -(scream)
Hey, Lise, be a doll and hand me that sealant.
Hey, here's another letter for "Bart's People."
Oh, so many souls, so little air time.
"Dear Bart,
I came to this country
hoping to share the American dream.
But after many years of backbreaking labor,
I find myself homeless and sleeping in a junkyard."
Oh, how terrible. Read on.
"Should I abandon hope
or fight on bravely against impossible odds?"
Oh, this is too perfect.
It is, isn't it?
I'm going to put him on the air tonight live.
Oh, Bart, you'll have to ride your bike pretty fast
to get out there in time.
Nah, I'll just take the chopper.
They gave you a chopper?!
(exhausted groan)
Mojo, will you wipe my mouth?
(grunting)
Oh, for Pete's sakes!
Why is that monkey wearing a diaper?
I thought he was housebroken.
(both grunting)
(annoyed groan)
You said this monkey would be sweeping the floors
and cleaning the gutters.
And now he just lies there, struggling to breathe.
(gasping)
What do you want? His cholesterol's through the roof.
I want you to take that monkey back
so he can be rehabilitated and get a second chance.
No, no. He's fine.
Go on, Mojo.
Show Marge your happy dance.
(chattering slowly)
(heavy breathing)
And so on.
(grumbles)
(buzzes)
(tires squealing)
(gasps)
Mojo! What have they done to you?!
COMPUTER VOICE: Pray... For... Mojo.
So, by waking up a little early
and having some extra sheets handy,
no one's the wiser.
Tomorrow, destroying the evidence.
Eww.
Uh, thank you, Milhouse.
Now it's time for today's special live edition
of "Bart's People."
(clears throat) Lisa, I've just arrived at the Springfield dump.
A lot of things get thrown out here--
Sometimes, even a human being.
Somewhere in this pile of twisted metal
and soiled mattresses...
(nervous chuckle)
...lives a poor immigrant
whose home was cruelly... taken away.
Yeah! By you!
Groundskeeper Willie!
Um... Uh,
so you're the immigrant I'm here to help.
Help?! You destroyed my house
and reduced me to living in a dump!
Groundskeeper Willie, furious with the government that let him down.
-I'm Bart... -WILLIE: (yelling)
(chuckling)
I'll kill you!
(both yelling)
(glass breaking)
Oh, no! What have I done?
Nelson, cover for me.
(clears throat)
(arm farts)
(in singsong voice) Oh, Bart, it's me, a jolly policeman.
Oh, we got Willie.
Come on out so we can give you a medal.
Way to go, officer. (screams)
(both grunting)
Willie, stop!
Away with you! I got to finish him off
while I'm still temporarily insane.
No, you can't hurt Bart! He's...
Well, he's your son!
What?!
Well, not literally.
But, in a way, isn't he everyone's son?
For you see, that little hell-raiser
is the spawn of every shrieking commercial.
Every brain-rotting soda pop.
Every teacher who cares less about young minds
than about cashing their big, fat paychecks.
No, Bart's not to blame.
You can't create a monster
and then whine when he stomps on a few buildings.
I'm Lisa Simpson.
(sniffles)
(sobs)
You're right.
It's all Willie's fault.
I've been a terrible father.
Hey, Lise, thanks.
Boy, that phony schmaltz of yours
sure is powerful stuff.
Uh, yeah, but I have a certain respect
for that whole "truth" and "hard work" thing that you do.
You know, Bart, if we combined
your showmanship with my integrity,
we could make kids really care about the news.
You're right.
If we work together, there's no stoppin' us.
(news theme music plays)
ANNOUNCER: The new, improved Kidz Newz has been canceled.
Stay tuned for The Mattel and Mars Bar
Quick Energy Chocobot Hour.
You can count on us, Mr. President.
Major Nougat.
Gooey, Cocoa,
put down those entertaining Mattel products.
Colonel Ka-Taffy is up to his old tricks.
Let's power up!
(crackling)
I can't believe they canceled us for this stupid--
Shut up! I'm trying to watch this.
ALL: Chocolate away!
(Mattel and Mars Bar theme music playing)
(Simpsons theme music playing)
Shh!
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services