1 00:00:03,211 --> 00:00:06,506 CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:06,589 --> 00:00:07,674 (tires screeching) 3 00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:11,302 D'oh! (screams) 4 00:00:25,233 --> 00:00:26,860 {\an8}♪ ...Scratchy Show ♪ 5 00:00:31,197 --> 00:00:32,198 (moans) 6 00:00:33,616 --> 00:00:34,909 {\an8}I want a job. 7 00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:36,661 {\an8}You've got it. 8 00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:39,789 {\an8}-(screams) -(fire crackling) 9 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:43,293 {\an8}(whimpering) 10 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:46,838 {\an8}I quit. 11 00:00:46,921 --> 00:00:49,132 {\an8}(screaming) 12 00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:52,594 {\an8}(clinking) 13 00:00:52,677 --> 00:00:55,513 {\an8}No! No! No! 14 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:58,266 {\an8}(laughing) 15 00:00:58,349 --> 00:01:00,226 {\an8}Man, you'd think the quality would dip 16 00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:02,312 {\an8}after 5,500 shows, but... 17 00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:04,397 {\an8}(laughing) 18 00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:06,441 {\an8}Well, the F.C.C. isn't laughing. 19 00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:07,901 {\an8}They don't believe kids are learning anything 20 00:01:07,984 --> 00:01:09,444 {\an8}from Itchy and Scratchy. 21 00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:10,779 {\an8}Oh, please! 22 00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:11,905 {\an8}What don't they learn? 23 00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:13,573 {\an8}Don't trust mice. 24 00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:15,158 {\an8}Cats are made of glass. 25 00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:17,243 {\an8}Our license renewal is on the bubble. 26 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:19,871 {\an8}We need educational programming fast. 27 00:01:19,954 --> 00:01:21,790 What about that Mattel and Mars Bar 28 00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:24,000 quick energy Chocobot hour? 29 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,460 {\an8}That's barely legal as it is. 30 00:01:25,543 --> 00:01:26,753 {\an8}Here's what I was thinking. 31 00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:29,798 {\an8}A newscast for kids by kids. 32 00:01:29,881 --> 00:01:32,258 {\an8}Well, you're not taking any time out of my show. 33 00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:33,718 {\an8}It's jammed up as it is. 34 00:01:33,802 --> 00:01:36,221 {\an8}There's the monologue, those idiot puppets, 35 00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:38,890 {\an8}Krusty's nap time, the second monologue, 36 00:01:38,973 --> 00:01:41,351 {\an8}Paul Harvey, Senor Pepino... 37 00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:44,729 I tell you, it's the tightest three hours and 10 minutes on TV. 38 00:01:44,813 --> 00:01:46,356 We're cutting ten minutes from your show. 39 00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:49,818 Well, I guess we could trim the hobo parade to a lean 20. 40 00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,070 (children laughing) 41 00:01:52,153 --> 00:01:54,364 Ach! She's a bonny pile. 42 00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:56,991 Now for a wee nip and a wee nap. 43 00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:03,081 Ready, Milhouse? 44 00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:05,792 -Ready! -(grunts) 45 00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:11,881 (screaming) 46 00:02:13,007 --> 00:02:14,676 (grunting) 47 00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:16,761 You owe me a quarter. I didn't crack my skull. 48 00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:17,971 Rats! 49 00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:20,223 (screaming) 50 00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:21,891 Ach! Me pile! 51 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:24,310 It's been raped of its bonniness! 52 00:02:24,394 --> 00:02:26,604 -(growls) -Hi, Willie. 53 00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:29,941 -My board! -Yeah. It's Willie's board now. 54 00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:32,318 And she'll make a fine piece of kindling. 55 00:02:34,612 --> 00:02:35,697 (pounding) 56 00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,533 Sorry! Willie can't hear you. 57 00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:40,743 (soft bagpipe music playing) 58 00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:42,912 (peppy bagpipe music playing) 59 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:46,457 (loud bagpipe music playing) 60 00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:48,334 (kicking and pounding) 61 00:02:56,467 --> 00:02:57,844 It's pure. 62 00:02:57,927 --> 00:02:58,928 Hmm. 63 00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,684 I really didn't want it to come to this. 64 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,437 (whistling) 65 00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:13,943 Lisa, Channel Six is launching a children's news program. 66 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,571 And they've asked me to select an outstanding student 67 00:03:16,654 --> 00:03:17,697 to be anchor-child. 68 00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:20,325 (gasps) Oh, my gosh! Today's top story, 69 00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:22,202 "Little girl on cloud nine as dream comes true." 70 00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:25,538 Lisa, I've selected you to be that child anchor. 71 00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,624 I know. I already jumped to that conclusion. 72 00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:30,335 Hmm. All right, if you're so smart, 73 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,795 tell me who I selected to be lunchroom monitor. 74 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:33,963 Me? 75 00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,257 {\an8}Take your sash and go. 76 00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,136 This isn't right! 77 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,971 This isn't right at all! 78 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:45,850 (grunting) 79 00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:47,352 I'll have to eat my way out. 80 00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:49,062 (chomping) 81 00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,941 Ach! It's terrible! 82 00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:56,569 (explosion) 83 00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:03,868 My shack! 84 00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:05,495 My beautiful shack! 85 00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:08,206 Oh, and I just got it the way I like it. 86 00:04:08,289 --> 00:04:10,416 (chuckling) 87 00:04:11,793 --> 00:04:13,878 You did this, Bart Simpson! 88 00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,338 The man knows quality work. 89 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:18,174 This time you're in for it, Bart! 90 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:19,592 Hah! What's he going to do? 91 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,052 I'll kill ya! 92 00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:23,096 (choking) 93 00:04:23,179 --> 00:04:25,139 All right, back on the stretcher. 94 00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:28,309 LISA: And I'll be able to tackle 95 00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:29,769 all the hard-hitting children's news 96 00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:31,813 the grown-up controlled media won't touch. 97 00:04:31,896 --> 00:04:33,731 Plus, I get to be on TV! 98 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,900 Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. 99 00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:37,944 All your hard work and grade-grubbing 100 00:04:38,027 --> 00:04:40,071 have finally paid off. 101 00:04:40,154 --> 00:04:41,906 So who's on your news team? 102 00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:43,616 Nerd, nerd... 103 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:44,742 Nelson?! 104 00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:46,869 Well, we used to date. Plus, he threatened me. 105 00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:48,997 Well, don't worry about sports. I got that covered. 106 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:50,039 Back off, Bart. 107 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,583 This may be the only chance I get as a second grader 108 00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:53,876 to produce my own TV show, 109 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,545 and I'm not gonna let you screw it up. 110 00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:56,587 Mom... 111 00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:58,506 Oh, let your brother do sports. 112 00:04:58,589 --> 00:04:59,465 Mom... 113 00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:02,010 That "mom" stuff doesn't work on me. 114 00:05:05,179 --> 00:05:08,182 HOMER: Ooh! "The gum with the cracker center." 115 00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:09,434 Mmm. 116 00:05:09,517 --> 00:05:12,395 That'll do it, Apu, so just... 117 00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:13,521 (gasps) 118 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,481 (screams) 119 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:16,524 APU: Do not be alarmed. 120 00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:18,735 That is just my helper monkey, sir. 121 00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:20,069 I got him after a robber 122 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,905 shot me six times and left me for dead. 123 00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:25,867 Helper monkey, eh? 124 00:05:27,952 --> 00:05:30,038 (laughing) 125 00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:31,622 Hey, I'm on TV! 126 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:32,665 Fart! 127 00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:35,084 Come on! Quit fooling around, you guys. 128 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:39,339 (in foreign accent) So, we meet again, Mr. Bond. 129 00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:41,174 Bart, get out of my anchor chair. 130 00:05:41,257 --> 00:05:42,967 Silence, Octopussy! 131 00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:45,303 Come on! This isn't a joke. 132 00:05:45,386 --> 00:05:47,680 All over town, kids are just waking up from their naps, 133 00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,474 cranky and hungry for the news. 134 00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:52,185 Wow! Kent Brockman! 135 00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:53,603 Good luck, kids. 136 00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:56,314 Where the hell's my grilled cheese? 137 00:05:58,608 --> 00:05:59,692 (monkeys hooting) 138 00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:01,069 I'd like a monkey, please. 139 00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:03,488 And maybe one of those dogs. What do they do? 140 00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:06,366 Um... They serve as seeing eyes for the blind, sir. 141 00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:07,867 They do any other tricks? 142 00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:10,286 -No. -Just the monkey then. 143 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:13,998 Uh... May I inquire as to how you are differently abled? 144 00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:17,210 (chuckles) I'm not handicapped. 145 00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:18,961 I'm just lazy. 146 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,880 Uh... Sir, helper monkeys are only for 147 00:06:20,963 --> 00:06:23,341 the physically challenged or enfeebled. 148 00:06:23,424 --> 00:06:24,467 Enfeebled? 149 00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:26,969 Ooh, I know just the guy. Be right back. 150 00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:32,934 Oh, son, this monkey's 151 00:06:33,017 --> 00:06:34,936 going to change my life. 152 00:06:35,019 --> 00:06:36,938 Mind if I take him for a ride? 153 00:06:37,021 --> 00:06:38,940 Sure. I'll just stand here. 154 00:06:39,023 --> 00:06:40,066 (tires screech) 155 00:06:41,692 --> 00:06:44,904 {\an8}Mmm! I can't wait to eat that monkey. 156 00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:47,782 (imitating news theme music) 157 00:06:47,865 --> 00:06:49,534 And now, Kidz Newz! 158 00:06:49,617 --> 00:06:52,078 (continues imitating) With Kidz Newz anchor, Lisa! 159 00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:53,913 (imitating) ♪ Pa pa pa pa pa pam ♪ 160 00:06:53,996 --> 00:06:55,123 Thank you. 161 00:06:55,206 --> 00:06:56,749 Our top story today. 162 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,377 In a move that could affect children town-wide, 163 00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:00,878 the library book purchase committee 164 00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:03,589 slashed its budget by three percent. 165 00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:06,426 First on the chopping block, periodicals. 166 00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,136 Boring. 167 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:09,429 And now, sports. 168 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:11,722 Bart Simpson telling you to lock the doggy in the barn 169 00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:14,600 'cause here comes dodgeball action! 170 00:07:14,684 --> 00:07:17,437 The shirts continued their domination over the skins today. 171 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:18,688 And in schoolyard fights, 172 00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:21,607 the highly anticipated match between Kearney and Mr. Largo 173 00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:24,861 ended in a disqualification for use of dog doo on a stick. 174 00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:25,945 Lisa? 175 00:07:27,363 --> 00:07:29,991 DIRECTOR: And we are out. 176 00:07:30,074 --> 00:07:31,909 All right, kids. We learned a lot today. 177 00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:35,079 Now, this is what makes my job difficult. 178 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:37,039 Bart, you're off the sports beat. 179 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:38,124 What? 180 00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:40,918 Sorry, Bart. But you've got to take some things seriously. 181 00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:43,212 From now on, you're Lisa's co-anchor. 182 00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:44,589 What?! 183 00:07:44,672 --> 00:07:46,340 Ooh, that's gotta hurt. 184 00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:53,473 {\an8}Anchorman, huh? Well, if I'm going to be an anchorman, 185 00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:55,266 I better go bleach the crud off my teeth. 186 00:07:55,349 --> 00:07:56,392 I'll be in makeup. 187 00:07:56,767 --> 00:07:58,811 -(door closes) -I don't need a co-anchor. 188 00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:00,396 I'm a straight "A" student. 189 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,731 Lisa, Bart's got something 190 00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:04,150 you can't learn in school. Zazz. 191 00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:05,318 What is "Zazz"? 192 00:08:05,401 --> 00:08:07,111 Zing, zork, kapowza. 193 00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:08,237 Call it what you want. 194 00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,865 In any language, it spells mazuma in the bank. 195 00:08:10,948 --> 00:08:12,617 "Zork"? What is "zork"? 196 00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:13,868 I didn't say "Zork." 197 00:08:13,951 --> 00:08:15,620 The point is, the camera loves him. 198 00:08:15,703 --> 00:08:18,456 {\an8}But that trivializes the whole idea of Kidz Newz. 199 00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:19,957 {\an8}I mean, let's be honest. 200 00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:22,585 {\an8}Bart's not exactly the brightest penny in the fountain. 201 00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:24,629 In English, Lisa. 202 00:08:25,546 --> 00:08:27,340 Damn blueberry stains. 203 00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:29,133 Look, I love Bart, 204 00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:31,969 but he's never even read a newspaper. 205 00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:34,388 Between you and me, he's, well... 206 00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:36,390 Kind of dumb. 207 00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:38,726 (sighs) 208 00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:43,856 -(monkey chattering) -(panicked grunting) 209 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,025 There a problem, honey? 210 00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:48,486 Monkey! There's a monkey in the house! 211 00:08:48,569 --> 00:08:51,864 -Ah! -Relax. It's only Mojo. 212 00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:53,824 -Mojo, Marge. -Marge, Mojo. 213 00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:55,868 He can do anything you show him. 214 00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:57,036 Watch. 215 00:08:57,662 --> 00:08:59,664 Simpson residence. 216 00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:02,750 (chitters) 217 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,461 Oh. Why didn't you tell me 218 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,380 you were bringing home a filthy monkey? 219 00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:11,509 This filthy monkey made the orange juice you're drinking. 220 00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:16,514 I'll show Lisa who's dumb. 221 00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:19,725 "Supreme court reverses..." 222 00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:20,977 (groans) 223 00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:23,896 I won't turn to the comics, I won't turn to the comics. 224 00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:25,231 All right. 225 00:09:25,314 --> 00:09:28,192 I'll read one comic just to get me rolling-- "Archie." 226 00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:30,319 "Hey, Jughead, did you hear? 227 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,863 The supreme court reversed..." (groans) 228 00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:35,866 (Mojo gibbering) 229 00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:37,076 Mom, am I dumb? 230 00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:38,411 Honey, I'd love to reassure you, 231 00:09:38,494 --> 00:09:40,496 but right now, mommy needs a tetanus shot. 232 00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:44,542 (doorbell rings) 233 00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:47,545 Mr. Brockman, I need your help. 234 00:09:47,628 --> 00:09:48,796 I've got to become a great anchor 235 00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:50,172 so I can show up my sister. 236 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,757 Sister, huh? 237 00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,092 I've got a sister. 238 00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:56,220 Miss Big-Shot-CNN Washington correspondent. 239 00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:58,598 (blows raspberry) But she's not the boss of me! 240 00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:00,016 Come in. 241 00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:03,227 Let's take the trophy route to the den. 242 00:10:03,894 --> 00:10:05,396 Twelve newsies. 243 00:10:05,479 --> 00:10:06,689 Seven iron mikes. 244 00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:08,899 Four golden coifs. 245 00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:11,944 This is the most prestigious award that Del Monte gives. 246 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:13,946 Do you want to hear my award-winning secret? 247 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,698 Human interest stories. 248 00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:18,117 They tug at the heart and fog the mind. 249 00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:20,286 Observe. 250 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,163 KENT: Hear that? 251 00:10:22,246 --> 00:10:24,749 It's the sound of children's laughter... 252 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:26,917 Silenced. 253 00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:29,795 That's because tomorrow, this old carousel 254 00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:33,507 which has delighted young Americans for, lo, these past six years-- 255 00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:36,969 will be torn down to make way for the future. 256 00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:40,765 A store that sells designer mouse pads. 257 00:10:41,557 --> 00:10:43,684 Well, I guess there's no room in this modern world 258 00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:46,228 -for old blackie here. -(carousel surface squeaking) 259 00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:47,897 But if you don't mind, 260 00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:52,735 this reporter is going for... One last ride. 261 00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:54,904 ( music playing) ♪ To everything ♪ 262 00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:57,990 ♪ Turn, turn, turn... ♪ 263 00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,367 This is Kent Brockman... 264 00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:02,620 ♪ Turn, turn, turn... ♪ 265 00:11:02,703 --> 00:11:03,579 Reporting. 266 00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:07,750 NELSON: (imitating news theme music) 267 00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:08,834 And now, 268 00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,795 -Kidz Newz. -(groans) 269 00:11:10,878 --> 00:11:12,797 Marge, the kids are on. 270 00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:16,425 The monkey's on my part of the sofa. 271 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:19,679 Honey, he's clearly marked his territory. 272 00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:20,680 (groans) 273 00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:23,766 We'll bring you more on this chalk shortage as it continues. 274 00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,768 And now, Bart's been looking into 275 00:11:25,851 --> 00:11:29,230 that alleged ham salad from yesterday's school lunch. 276 00:11:29,313 --> 00:11:30,773 No, I haven't, Lisa, 277 00:11:30,856 --> 00:11:32,483 because I went out with a camera 278 00:11:32,566 --> 00:11:34,819 and did a different kind of story. 279 00:11:34,902 --> 00:11:36,612 (nervously) Bart, I really think we should stick-- 280 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:37,780 It's about a man... 281 00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,073 A simple man. 282 00:11:39,156 --> 00:11:40,783 He's one of... 283 00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:42,660 "Bart's People." 284 00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,497 Joe Banks, 82 years young, 285 00:11:46,580 --> 00:11:48,499 has come to this pond every day 286 00:11:48,582 --> 00:11:51,836 for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. 287 00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:54,046 The last month, Joe made a discovery. 288 00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:57,508 The ducks were gone. 289 00:11:57,591 --> 00:11:59,802 Some say the ducks went to Canada. 290 00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:01,804 Others say Toronto, 291 00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:03,264 and some people think 292 00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:06,517 that Joe used to sit down there, near those ducks. 293 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:07,810 But it could be 294 00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:11,063 that there's just no room in this modern world 295 00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:14,984 for an old man and his ducks. 296 00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:18,237 (chorus singing) ♪ Where have all the flowers gone ♪ 297 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:22,366 ♪ Long time passing... ♪ 298 00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:24,410 (softly) Smithers... (sniffs) 299 00:12:24,493 --> 00:12:26,370 Do you think maybe my power plant 300 00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:27,747 killed those ducks? 301 00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,999 There's no maybe about it, sir. 302 00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:32,251 (sniffs) Excellent. 303 00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:34,545 Marge, can I get a duck? 304 00:12:34,628 --> 00:12:37,423 You already have a monkey. 305 00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:38,632 Can he get a duck? 306 00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:39,925 -No! -(chattering) 307 00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:45,973 One man, no ducks. 308 00:12:46,056 --> 00:12:47,224 Lisa? 309 00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:49,101 That's Kidz Newz. Good night. 310 00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:50,853 -(people applauding) -(sobbing) 311 00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:52,396 Way to go Bart. 312 00:12:55,065 --> 00:12:56,442 That wasn't news. 313 00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:58,611 That was sappy, manipulative drivel. 314 00:12:58,694 --> 00:13:01,864 Well. I'm sorry you couldn't feel for Old Joe. 315 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:02,907 You didn't feel for him, either, 316 00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:04,533 you big, fat phony! 317 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:05,868 Bart, look up here. 318 00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:08,370 This is where the tears would be if I could cry. 319 00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,539 But I can't. Botched face-lift. 320 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,291 You could learn from him, Mary Ann. 321 00:13:12,374 --> 00:13:14,418 -It's Lisa. -Mary Ann's better. 322 00:13:16,837 --> 00:13:18,297 They want cheap sentiment? 323 00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:20,591 I'll pump them so full of sap, they'll be blowing their nose 324 00:13:20,674 --> 00:13:21,675 with a pancake! 325 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,637 They call her "The Cat Lady." 326 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,013 People say she's crazy 327 00:13:26,096 --> 00:13:28,641 just because she has a few dozen cats. 328 00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:32,311 But can anyone who loves animals that much really be crazy? 329 00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:35,564 (raving incoherently) 330 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,817 (cats screeching) 331 00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:42,571 The old Union Pacific doesn't come by here much anymore... 332 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,782 (train whistle blowing) 333 00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:58,712 -(raving incoherently) -(screaming) 334 00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:00,339 (cats screeching) 335 00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:04,552 Come on. Come to papa. 336 00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:06,387 (Mojo chittering) 337 00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:07,346 Good boy, Mojo. 338 00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:09,473 Now, bring them down and I'll give you one. 339 00:14:13,769 --> 00:14:15,396 Will you... stop that? 340 00:14:15,479 --> 00:14:16,522 You're a helper monkey! 341 00:14:16,605 --> 00:14:17,940 This isn't helping! 342 00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:23,904 Oh... I don't need your pity. 343 00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:27,908 (whimpering) 344 00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:32,788 BART: Our forgotten veterans. 345 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,290 Their guns are quiet now... 346 00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:36,041 Their helmets lost or pawned, 347 00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:37,835 and yet, here they are, 348 00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:40,629 making flags out of old clothes. 349 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:44,550 Sure, they may not have the right number of stripes 350 00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:48,596 and the colors are all wrong, and some purists will tell you 351 00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:52,641 the American flag doesn't contain the word "Jordache." 352 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,853 But, you now, if they run this up the flagpole, 353 00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:58,105 I'll salute. I'm Bart Simpson. 354 00:14:58,188 --> 00:14:59,899 Hmm. Thank you, Bart, 355 00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:02,151 for yet another touching "Bart's People." 356 00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:03,319 Now, turning to-- 357 00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:05,988 I just think our veterans deserve a little recognition. 358 00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:08,490 That's what Veterans Day is for, Bart. 359 00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:12,912 But is that really enough to honor our brave soldiers? 360 00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:15,915 (chuckles) They also have Memorial Day. 361 00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:18,459 Oh, Lisa, maybe you're right. Maybe you're wrong. 362 00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:21,462 The important thing is, veterans deserve a day to honor them. 363 00:15:21,545 --> 00:15:23,005 They have two! 364 00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:24,506 Well, maybe they should have three. 365 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:25,591 I'm Bart Simpson. 366 00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:30,971 Oh, my! Look at all these letters 367 00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:33,098 from people who want to be "Bart's People," Bart. 368 00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:36,060 I wish they could all be "Bart's People," Mom. 369 00:15:36,143 --> 00:15:37,811 I truly do. 370 00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:39,688 I'm proud of you, honey. 371 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,065 You're finally giving something back 372 00:15:41,148 --> 00:15:45,152 to the community after taking so, so much. 373 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:49,073 Hmm. Really makes you think. 374 00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:50,866 What does that even mean? 375 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,243 Mom might not see through you, but I do. 376 00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:55,162 You don't care about any of these people. 377 00:15:55,245 --> 00:15:57,164 Well, if I'm guilty of anything, 378 00:15:57,247 --> 00:15:58,916 maybe it's caring too much. 379 00:15:58,999 --> 00:16:00,084 I'm Bart Simpson. 380 00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:02,086 Stop talking like that! Stop it! 381 00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:03,754 Lisa, please! 382 00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:06,298 You have absolutely no reason to be jealous. 383 00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:07,925 You're still a very important part 384 00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:09,468 of Bart's show. 385 00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:10,678 (frustrated groan) 386 00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:15,975 "Bart's Show"! 387 00:16:16,058 --> 00:16:17,851 If everybody knew what a phony Bart was, 388 00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:19,937 he'd be off that show so fast... 389 00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:21,480 I've got it! 390 00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,190 (laughs) 391 00:16:23,273 --> 00:16:24,942 (maniacal laugh) 392 00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:26,944 (wild maniacal laughing) 393 00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:29,321 -(screeching laugh) -(scream) 394 00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:36,870 Hey, Lise, be a doll and hand me that sealant. 395 00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:43,752 Hey, here's another letter for "Bart's People." 396 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:47,297 Oh, so many souls, so little air time. 397 00:16:48,757 --> 00:16:49,883 "Dear Bart, 398 00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:51,176 I came to this country 399 00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:53,345 hoping to share the American dream. 400 00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:55,723 But after many years of backbreaking labor, 401 00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:58,392 I find myself homeless and sleeping in a junkyard." 402 00:16:58,475 --> 00:17:00,519 Oh, how terrible. Read on. 403 00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:01,895 "Should I abandon hope 404 00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:04,023 or fight on bravely against impossible odds?" 405 00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:06,150 Oh, this is too perfect. 406 00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:07,860 It is, isn't it? 407 00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:10,320 I'm going to put him on the air tonight live. 408 00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:12,823 Oh, Bart, you'll have to ride your bike pretty fast 409 00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:13,949 to get out there in time. 410 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,284 Nah, I'll just take the chopper. 411 00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:17,244 They gave you a chopper?! 412 00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:21,915 (exhausted groan) 413 00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:24,001 Mojo, will you wipe my mouth? 414 00:17:24,084 --> 00:17:25,586 (grunting) 415 00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:28,255 Oh, for Pete's sakes! 416 00:17:28,338 --> 00:17:30,174 Why is that monkey wearing a diaper? 417 00:17:30,257 --> 00:17:31,592 I thought he was housebroken. 418 00:17:31,675 --> 00:17:32,926 (both grunting) 419 00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:35,429 (annoyed groan) 420 00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:37,931 You said this monkey would be sweeping the floors 421 00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:39,266 and cleaning the gutters. 422 00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:42,936 And now he just lies there, struggling to breathe. 423 00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:44,772 (gasping) 424 00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:48,108 What do you want? His cholesterol's through the roof. 425 00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:50,360 I want you to take that monkey back 426 00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:53,739 so he can be rehabilitated and get a second chance. 427 00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:55,908 No, no. He's fine. 428 00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:57,034 Go on, Mojo. 429 00:17:57,117 --> 00:17:58,744 Show Marge your happy dance. 430 00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:01,330 (chattering slowly) 431 00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:05,084 (heavy breathing) 432 00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,336 And so on. 433 00:18:07,419 --> 00:18:08,629 (grumbles) 434 00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:11,924 (buzzes) 435 00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,344 (tires squealing) 436 00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:16,470 (gasps) 437 00:18:16,553 --> 00:18:18,722 Mojo! What have they done to you?! 438 00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:25,604 COMPUTER VOICE: Pray... For... Mojo. 439 00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:28,607 So, by waking up a little early 440 00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:30,484 and having some extra sheets handy, 441 00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:32,277 no one's the wiser. 442 00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:35,322 Tomorrow, destroying the evidence. 443 00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:36,698 Eww. 444 00:18:37,032 --> 00:18:38,742 Uh, thank you, Milhouse. 445 00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:41,203 Now it's time for today's special live edition 446 00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:43,163 of "Bart's People." 447 00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:48,168 (clears throat) Lisa, I've just arrived at the Springfield dump. 448 00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:50,087 A lot of things get thrown out here-- 449 00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:53,423 Sometimes, even a human being. 450 00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:56,385 Somewhere in this pile of twisted metal 451 00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:58,095 and soiled mattresses... 452 00:18:58,178 --> 00:18:59,138 (nervous chuckle) 453 00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:00,639 ...lives a poor immigrant 454 00:19:00,722 --> 00:19:04,226 whose home was cruelly... taken away. 455 00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:05,894 Yeah! By you! 456 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,062 Groundskeeper Willie! 457 00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,564 Um... Uh, 458 00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:10,941 so you're the immigrant I'm here to help. 459 00:19:11,024 --> 00:19:14,027 Help?! You destroyed my house 460 00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:16,613 and reduced me to living in a dump! 461 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,032 Groundskeeper Willie, furious with the government that let him down. 462 00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:21,160 -I'm Bart... -WILLIE: (yelling) 463 00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:22,161 (chuckling) 464 00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:23,704 I'll kill you! 465 00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:25,914 (both yelling) 466 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,124 (glass breaking) 467 00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:29,293 Oh, no! What have I done? 468 00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:30,711 Nelson, cover for me. 469 00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:37,926 (clears throat) 470 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,846 (arm farts) 471 00:19:46,643 --> 00:19:49,855 (in singsong voice) Oh, Bart, it's me, a jolly policeman. 472 00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:51,648 Oh, we got Willie. 473 00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:53,817 Come on out so we can give you a medal. 474 00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:56,486 Way to go, officer. (screams) 475 00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:59,198 (both grunting) 476 00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:01,742 Willie, stop! 477 00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:04,161 Away with you! I got to finish him off 478 00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:06,705 while I'm still temporarily insane. 479 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,541 No, you can't hurt Bart! He's... 480 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,044 Well, he's your son! 481 00:20:12,127 --> 00:20:13,003 What?! 482 00:20:13,503 --> 00:20:15,380 Well, not literally. 483 00:20:15,839 --> 00:20:19,009 But, in a way, isn't he everyone's son? 484 00:20:19,092 --> 00:20:21,428 For you see, that little hell-raiser 485 00:20:21,511 --> 00:20:24,181 {\an8}is the spawn of every shrieking commercial. 486 00:20:24,264 --> 00:20:26,350 Every brain-rotting soda pop. 487 00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:29,186 Every teacher who cares less about young minds 488 00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:32,272 than about cashing their big, fat paychecks. 489 00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:34,775 No, Bart's not to blame. 490 00:20:34,858 --> 00:20:36,360 You can't create a monster 491 00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:39,112 and then whine when he stomps on a few buildings. 492 00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,364 I'm Lisa Simpson. 493 00:20:40,864 --> 00:20:42,407 (sniffles) 494 00:20:42,491 --> 00:20:43,867 (sobs) 495 00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:45,577 You're right. 496 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:47,371 It's all Willie's fault. 497 00:20:47,454 --> 00:20:49,665 I've been a terrible father. 498 00:20:50,290 --> 00:20:52,209 Hey, Lise, thanks. 499 00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:53,961 Boy, that phony schmaltz of yours 500 00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:55,420 sure is powerful stuff. 501 00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:57,923 Uh, yeah, but I have a certain respect 502 00:20:58,006 --> 00:21:00,676 for that whole "truth" and "hard work" thing that you do. 503 00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:02,761 You know, Bart, if we combined 504 00:21:02,844 --> 00:21:05,055 your showmanship with my integrity, 505 00:21:05,138 --> 00:21:07,557 we could make kids really care about the news. 506 00:21:07,641 --> 00:21:08,892 You're right. 507 00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:11,728 If we work together, there's no stoppin' us. 508 00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,607 (news theme music plays) 509 00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:19,027 ANNOUNCER: The new, improved Kidz Newz has been canceled. 510 00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:21,113 Stay tuned for The Mattel and Mars Bar 511 00:21:21,196 --> 00:21:22,948 Quick Energy Chocobot Hour. 512 00:21:24,366 --> 00:21:26,243 You can count on us, Mr. President. 513 00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:27,703 Major Nougat. 514 00:21:27,786 --> 00:21:28,829 Gooey, Cocoa, 515 00:21:28,912 --> 00:21:31,123 put down those entertaining Mattel products. 516 00:21:32,874 --> 00:21:36,044 Colonel Ka-Taffy is up to his old tricks. 517 00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:37,963 Let's power up! 518 00:21:38,046 --> 00:21:39,840 (crackling) 519 00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:42,426 I can't believe they canceled us for this stupid-- 520 00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:44,553 Shut up! I'm trying to watch this. 521 00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:47,055 ALL: Chocolate away! 522 00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:50,559 (Mattel and Mars Bar theme music playing) 523 00:21:59,276 --> 00:22:01,194 (Simpsons theme music playing) 524 00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:39,483 Shh! 525 00:22:43,236 --> 00:22:45,238 {\an8}Captioned by Visual Data Media Services