1
00:00:04,631 --> 00:00:08,122
-Hey, what are you doing?
-Picking out a shirt.

2
00:00:08,123 --> 00:00:09,402
That one looks nice.

3
00:00:09,403 --> 00:00:10,972
-You like it?
-Yeah.

4
00:00:10,973 --> 00:00:13,373
Then, no.

5
00:00:13,856 --> 00:00:15,009
Okay.

6
00:00:15,010 --> 00:00:18,884
Listen, I was wondering,
do you have any plans for Thanksgiving?

7
00:00:18,885 --> 00:00:23,964
-Alan, I don't think that far ahead.
-It's this Thursday.

8
00:00:24,266 --> 00:00:25,451
No kidding.

9
00:00:25,452 --> 00:00:28,206
Didn't we just get through
that whole pumpkin,

10
00:00:28,207 --> 00:00:30,191
the costume thing with the kid?

11
00:00:30,192 --> 00:00:32,592
-Halloween?
-Yeah.

12
00:00:32,723 --> 00:00:34,580
Three weeks ago.

13
00:00:34,581 --> 00:00:37,559
-No, I got no plans. Why?
-I was thinking,

14
00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,769
Jake's gonna be with his mom
and her parents,

15
00:00:39,770 --> 00:00:41,723
and I thought,
maybe you and I could do something.

16
00:00:41,724 --> 00:00:43,997
Okay, want to go to Vegas?

17
00:00:43,998 --> 00:00:46,912
I was thinking something
a little more traditional.

18
00:00:46,913 --> 00:00:49,091
Reno?

19
00:00:49,092 --> 00:00:52,741
-Charlie, it's a family holiday.
-Yeah, so, I'm your family.

20
00:00:52,742 --> 00:00:55,176
Unless you want to spend
a perfectly good Thursday

21
00:00:55,177 --> 00:00:57,601
with "Mom, The lmpaler."

22
00:00:57,708 --> 00:01:01,711
-Think we can get into the Bellagio?
-Leave it to me.

23
00:01:01,712 --> 00:01:04,112
That one's nice.

24
00:01:07,221 --> 00:01:08,662
Here's what we'll do.

25
00:01:08,663 --> 00:01:10,872
We'll fly to Vegas,
have a big steak dinner,

26
00:01:10,873 --> 00:01:13,082
get you a lap dance
and a bucket of nickels.

27
00:01:13,083 --> 00:01:16,798
-What are the nickels for?
-I'll explain it on the plane.

28
00:01:16,799 --> 00:01:20,930
That sounds kind of fun.
Two single guys, rocking out in Vegas,

29
00:01:20,931 --> 00:01:25,376
-the glitz, the glamour...
-Dude, don't gay it up.

30
00:01:30,092 --> 00:01:33,006
You know, I like this shirt much better.

31
00:01:33,007 --> 00:01:35,445
Stop screwing with me, Alan.

32
00:01:36,018 --> 00:01:38,163
So, who's the lucky gal?

33
00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:41,463
-Remember Lisa?
-Lisa-who-used-to-live-here, Lisa?

34
00:01:41,464 --> 00:01:46,140
She lived here, she moved out,
she lived here, I moved out.

35
00:01:46,141 --> 00:01:49,919
At one point, neither one of us lived here.
Yeah, that Lisa.

36
00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:53,123
Wow.
So, she's gonna take you back again?

37
00:01:53,124 --> 00:01:55,397
Hey, who said she's the one
who broke up with...

38
00:01:55,398 --> 00:01:57,543
Yeah, I'm hoping.

39
00:01:57,544 --> 00:01:59,944
-Good luck.
-Thanks.

40
00:02:02,669 --> 00:02:06,711
I've completely lost confidence
in this shirt.

41
00:02:12,695 --> 00:02:15,690
-Hey, Lees! Sorry I'm late.
-Hey.

42
00:02:15,770 --> 00:02:19,709
How many times did you change
your shirt before you left the house?

43
00:02:19,710 --> 00:02:24,066
-I wanted to look pretty for you.
-You're such a girl.

44
00:02:24,066 --> 00:02:26,466
Thanks, you, too.

45
00:02:27,110 --> 00:02:31,698
-It's good to see you.
-It's good to see you, too.

46
00:02:33,259 --> 00:02:37,954
So, you want to just blow this place
and get a room?

47
00:02:38,865 --> 00:02:40,786
-I can't.
-Why not?

48
00:02:40,787 --> 00:02:43,187
I'm getting married.

49
00:02:44,278 --> 00:02:46,678
Yeah. Ha, ha. Me, too.

50
00:02:47,642 --> 00:02:51,356
-I'm not kidding.
-You can't do that, you love me.

51
00:02:51,357 --> 00:02:52,990
That's not the point.

52
00:02:52,991 --> 00:02:55,392
I'm tired of doing this dance of death
with you.

53
00:02:55,393 --> 00:02:57,731
Hooking up, breaking up, making up.

54
00:02:57,732 --> 00:03:02,568
That's not a dance of death.
That's the circle of life.

55
00:03:02,569 --> 00:03:06,284
It may be your life, but it's not mine.
Not anymore.

56
00:03:06,284 --> 00:03:08,589
-I'm moving on.
-To what?

57
00:03:08,590 --> 00:03:12,009
To settling down, to having a family,

58
00:03:12,115 --> 00:03:17,271
to not having my heart constantly broken
by a man who refuses to grow up.

59
00:03:17,272 --> 00:03:19,672
And that would be me?

60
00:03:20,122 --> 00:03:22,710
Yes, you, you big ass.

61
00:03:24,927 --> 00:03:28,229
But the sex was awesome though, right?

62
00:03:28,451 --> 00:03:30,692
Yes, it was.
But there's more to relationships...

63
00:03:30,693 --> 00:03:34,376
-ls it awesome with your fiancé?
-None of your business.

64
00:03:34,377 --> 00:03:36,618
It's not, is it?

65
00:03:36,619 --> 00:03:38,764
God, why did I call you?

66
00:03:38,765 --> 00:03:40,142
I'll tell you why.

67
00:03:40,143 --> 00:03:43,569
Because in your heart, you know
you're about to make a huge mistake

68
00:03:43,570 --> 00:03:45,427
and you want me to talk you out of it.

69
00:03:45,428 --> 00:03:48,950
No, I was hoping you and l
could have some closure.

70
00:03:48,951 --> 00:03:54,813
Then I refer you back to my suggestion
that we blow this place and get a room.

71
00:03:54,814 --> 00:03:57,214
Same old Charlie.

72
00:03:58,272 --> 00:04:01,442
What if I wasn't?
Would you still be marrying this clown?

73
00:04:01,443 --> 00:04:03,076
Bo is not a clown.

74
00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:05,286
-Bo?
-Bo.

75
00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:07,870
I'm sorry, Bo-Bo is a clown.

76
00:04:09,324 --> 00:04:11,847
Charlie, you'll never change.

77
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:15,216
Look at you, a grown man
who can't even commit to long pants.

78
00:04:15,217 --> 00:04:19,381
Hey, I can commit to long pants.
I was just focused on the shirt today.

79
00:04:19,382 --> 00:04:21,943
And for your information,
I've gone through changes

80
00:04:21,944 --> 00:04:24,282
Iike you wouldn't believe
since the last time we were together.

81
00:04:24,283 --> 00:04:27,602
-Like what?
-Well, I have a kid now.

82
00:04:28,543 --> 00:04:32,633
God, Charlie,
what poor girl did you knock up?

83
00:04:32,867 --> 00:04:35,878
No. It's my nephew.
He and my brother are living with me now.

84
00:04:35,879 --> 00:04:40,631
-I'm like, Mr. Family Guy.
-Yeah, right, "Family Guy."

85
00:04:41,003 --> 00:04:43,149
How's it going with your mom?

86
00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:47,153
What the hell's my mom
got to do with family?

87
00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:49,106
Come on, Charlie, we both know

88
00:04:49,107 --> 00:04:53,046
you'll never have a successful relationship
with any woman, let alone me,

89
00:04:53,047 --> 00:04:56,121
until you resolve your issues
with your mother.

90
00:04:56,122 --> 00:04:57,915
Well,

91
00:04:57,916 --> 00:05:01,182
as a matter of fact, it just so happens

92
00:05:01,183 --> 00:05:04,409
on that note, since you mentioned it,

93
00:05:05,187 --> 00:05:09,968
-those issues are resolved.
-Really. How'd that happen?

94
00:05:10,409 --> 00:05:14,090
You know,
communication, self-reflection,

95
00:05:14,188 --> 00:05:17,126
personal growth, crap like that.

96
00:05:18,737 --> 00:05:22,004
The important thing is,
I now have a much deeper appreciation

97
00:05:22,005 --> 00:05:25,079
for what do you call them,
traditional values.

98
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,001
"Traditional values?"

99
00:05:27,002 --> 00:05:29,243
This from a guy
who offered my sister a car

100
00:05:29,244 --> 00:05:31,903
if she'd come to bed with us?

101
00:05:33,696 --> 00:05:36,508
It was a joke, and I was drunk.

102
00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:41,038
But still, it shows a yearning for family.

103
00:05:42,377 --> 00:05:46,124
-Okay, this is going nowhere.
-Lisa, wait. I'm sorry.

104
00:05:46,125 --> 00:05:49,070
I don't want you to
not be in my life anymore.

105
00:05:49,071 --> 00:05:51,217
I'd like us to be friends.

106
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,459
-I'd like that, too.
-Good.

107
00:05:53,460 --> 00:05:56,278
-So when are you getting married?
-We haven't set a date.

108
00:05:56,279 --> 00:05:59,577
We're gonna talk about it when Bo
gets back from New York on Monday.

109
00:05:59,578 --> 00:06:04,052
-So, you're all alone for Thanksgiving?
-Yeah, why?

110
00:06:08,355 --> 00:06:10,755
Change of plans.

111
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:19,309
What's so tough to understand?

112
00:06:19,310 --> 00:06:22,832
We're gonna have
a big family dinner right here.

113
00:06:22,833 --> 00:06:25,972
And whose big family
were you planning on inviting?

114
00:06:25,973 --> 00:06:30,264
You know, you, me, Jake, Mom, turkey,
just like the good old days.

115
00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:32,346
What good old days?

116
00:06:32,347 --> 00:06:35,069
It's just an expression,
don't get hung up on it.

117
00:06:35,070 --> 00:06:38,272
-Oh, and Lisa might come.
-Okay, what's going on?

118
00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:43,493
-I need to show Lisa that I'm a family guy.
-But you're not.

119
00:06:43,494 --> 00:06:45,319
That's not the point.

120
00:06:45,319 --> 00:06:47,305
She's about to go off
and marry some jerk

121
00:06:47,306 --> 00:06:50,219
just because he loves her
and wants to settle down.

122
00:06:50,220 --> 00:06:52,620
I get it, you're Satan.

123
00:06:54,545 --> 00:06:57,491
Alan, this is serious.
I could lose her forever.

124
00:06:57,492 --> 00:06:59,892
Wow, and you care?

125
00:07:00,375 --> 00:07:01,559
I love her, Alan.

126
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:05,723
She's the only one I ever thought
I might eventually wind up with.

127
00:07:05,724 --> 00:07:08,124
"Eventually wind up with."

128
00:07:09,376 --> 00:07:11,745
I'm touched.

129
00:07:11,746 --> 00:07:14,693
So you want to, what,
keep her warming up in your bullpen

130
00:07:14,694 --> 00:07:19,417
until the bottom of the ninth
when you lose your arm?

131
00:07:21,580 --> 00:07:25,263
Okay,
I don't know how we got onto sports,

132
00:07:25,264 --> 00:07:27,377
but the thing is, I really care for Lisa

133
00:07:27,378 --> 00:07:29,875
and she needs to believe
I'm capable of changing.

134
00:07:29,876 --> 00:07:32,487
But the thing is, you're not.

135
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:35,385
You don't know that. I might be.

136
00:07:35,385 --> 00:07:38,171
Who knows what would happen
if I actually tried.

137
00:07:38,172 --> 00:07:40,126
You're really serious about this.

138
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:44,194
Alan, I've got a 200-pound turkey
melting in my lap.

139
00:07:44,194 --> 00:07:47,977
-What do you think?
-Okay, how can I help?

140
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:51,689
Obviously, we can't have a family
Thanksgiving without a kid.

141
00:07:51,690 --> 00:07:55,309
So you need to get Jake back
from your wife.

142
00:07:55,310 --> 00:07:56,911
Simple as that?

143
00:07:56,912 --> 00:07:59,025
Okay, so I go to Judith and I say,

144
00:07:59,026 --> 00:08:01,619
"Forget the fact
that we agreed on a custody schedule,

145
00:08:01,620 --> 00:08:04,855
"forget that your parents
are driving all the way from Sacramento

146
00:08:04,856 --> 00:08:08,859
"to spend time with their grandson.
Charlie needs to use our son as a prop

147
00:08:08,860 --> 00:08:11,805
"so he that can maintain
an on-again-off-again relationship

148
00:08:11,806 --> 00:08:16,481
"with a woman with whom
he might eventually wind up."

149
00:08:17,156 --> 00:08:19,621
-You know what, I'll talk to her.
-Yeah.

150
00:08:19,622 --> 00:08:23,017
No way in hell.
Are you insane? What's wrong with you?

151
00:08:23,018 --> 00:08:24,939
Okay, maybe I didn't explain it correctly.

152
00:08:24,940 --> 00:08:27,982
You explained it fine.
You're not taking Jake for Thanksgiving.

153
00:08:27,983 --> 00:08:30,448
Not just Jake.
You can come, too, and your parents.

154
00:08:30,449 --> 00:08:32,946
Think of it, the whole family,
just like the good old days.

155
00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:35,347
What good old days?

156
00:08:35,510 --> 00:08:38,381
Why is everybody so damn literal?

157
00:08:38,617 --> 00:08:41,436
Judith, what is Thanksgiving about,
if not family?

158
00:08:41,436 --> 00:08:45,086
Wouldn't it be good for Jake to spend
Thanksgiving with his whole family,

159
00:08:45,087 --> 00:08:50,300
because that's what
Thanksgiving is about, family and stuff.

160
00:08:51,590 --> 00:08:54,087
-I don't know.
-You wouldn't have to lift a finger.

161
00:08:54,088 --> 00:08:57,516
I'll have someone there to do the cooking,
the serving, and the cleaning.

162
00:08:57,517 --> 00:08:59,694
-Really? Who?
-My housekeeper, Berta.

163
00:08:59,695 --> 00:09:02,448
She's a saint,
and she's really looking forward to this.

164
00:09:02,449 --> 00:09:06,388
No way in hell.
Are you insane? What's wrong with you?

165
00:09:06,389 --> 00:09:09,431
-Come on.
-I don't work holidays, Charlie.

166
00:09:09,432 --> 00:09:11,737
-Please.
-I've got a life, you know.

167
00:09:11,738 --> 00:09:12,891
Pretty, please.

168
00:09:12,892 --> 00:09:15,293
My brother is in
the Witness Protection Program,

169
00:09:15,294 --> 00:09:17,246
and I've been invited to spend
Thanksgiving with him

170
00:09:17,247 --> 00:09:19,647
at an undisclosed location.

171
00:09:20,899 --> 00:09:23,587
-I'll give you $1,000.
-Done.

172
00:09:29,933 --> 00:09:32,847
-Hi, you must be Jake.
-Yes, I am.

173
00:09:32,847 --> 00:09:35,313
My wonderful Uncle Charlie
has opened his home

174
00:09:35,314 --> 00:09:40,085
to me and my father
'cause we had nowhere else to go.

175
00:09:42,136 --> 00:09:44,536
Hey, Merry Thanksgiving.

176
00:09:49,824 --> 00:09:52,130
I like what you've done with the place.

177
00:09:52,131 --> 00:09:54,661
You picked out everything here.

178
00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:58,152
I know.
Just wanted to make sure you did.

179
00:09:58,153 --> 00:10:01,098
Charlie, I've got to admit,
I never thought I'd see the day

180
00:10:01,099 --> 00:10:03,405
when you'd be hosting
a family Thanksgiving.

181
00:10:03,406 --> 00:10:05,551
Like I've been telling you, I've changed.

182
00:10:05,552 --> 00:10:06,993
So, with that in mind,

183
00:10:06,994 --> 00:10:09,171
you wanna blow this place
and get a room?

184
00:10:09,172 --> 00:10:13,748
-Charlie, stop it. Come on, introduce me.
-Fine.

185
00:10:13,848 --> 00:10:16,763
Lisa, this is Judith,
my former sister-in-law,

186
00:10:16,764 --> 00:10:18,845
-but still, you know, family.
-Hi.

187
00:10:18,846 --> 00:10:20,799
-It's nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.

188
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:23,041
And these, of course,
are her wonderful parents,

189
00:10:23,042 --> 00:10:26,372
-Sherman and Lorraine.
-Sheldon and Lenore.

190
00:10:26,373 --> 00:10:28,903
Sheldon and Lenore.
It's great to see you, folks.

191
00:10:28,904 --> 00:10:33,291
-So, Shelley, how you liking California?
-We live in California.

192
00:10:33,292 --> 00:10:35,702
So you must really like it.

193
00:10:35,823 --> 00:10:39,634
-Hi, Lisa. So nice to see you again.
-Hi, Alan, long time.

194
00:10:39,635 --> 00:10:42,420
See, isn't this great?
This is why we all come together.

195
00:10:42,421 --> 00:10:44,054
We break up, we make up,

196
00:10:44,055 --> 00:10:47,962
but in the end, the love is the love
and the family is the family.

197
00:10:47,963 --> 00:10:50,526
Ease up on the wine, Charlie.

198
00:10:51,102 --> 00:10:54,464
No, he's right, and Alan,
Sheldon and I want you to know

199
00:10:54,465 --> 00:10:57,443
that even though you and our daughter
are no longer married,

200
00:10:57,444 --> 00:11:00,006
we will always think of you as our son.

201
00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:02,408
What the hell's
that supposed to mean, Ma?

202
00:11:02,409 --> 00:11:05,035
It means that, even though
you loused up your marriage,

203
00:11:05,036 --> 00:11:06,316
we still love him.

204
00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:08,943
Thanks a lot, Dad. I appreciate the blame.

205
00:11:08,944 --> 00:11:13,513
This is really Judith's family.
Let's go find mine.

206
00:11:13,780 --> 00:11:17,111
-Hey, Berta. Look who's here.
-Hi, Berta.

207
00:11:17,112 --> 00:11:20,218
Honey,
don't tell me you're back here again.

208
00:11:20,219 --> 00:11:22,588
Don't you ever learn?

209
00:11:22,589 --> 00:11:25,119
As a matter of fact, I think I have.

210
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:28,672
Good for you. You can do so much better.

211
00:11:31,430 --> 00:11:35,270
And remember,
you may have two grandmothers,

212
00:11:35,338 --> 00:11:39,437
but only one of them has enough money
to send you to medical school.

213
00:11:39,438 --> 00:11:41,903
What if I don't want to go
to medical school?

214
00:11:41,904 --> 00:11:43,921
Then you'd break
your grandmommy's heart

215
00:11:43,922 --> 00:11:47,573
-just like your father did.
-Dad's a doctor.

216
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:51,289
No, sweetheart.
Your father's a chiropractor.

217
00:11:51,290 --> 00:11:54,621
That's a masseuse without the hot oil.

218
00:11:54,622 --> 00:11:57,599
-Go play with your friends.
-I'm the only kid here.

219
00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:01,383
You might want to think about
why that is.

220
00:12:03,238 --> 00:12:05,639
I want more money.

221
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:08,074
Hey, Mom.

222
00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:10,476
You remember Lisa, right?
We used to live together.

223
00:12:10,477 --> 00:12:13,679
No, I don't. I'm sorry. Hello, dear.

224
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:17,184
My son has had so many little roommates.

225
00:12:18,358 --> 00:12:20,182
I just hope you've got better taste

226
00:12:20,183 --> 00:12:24,579
than the one who picked out
his hideous furniture.

227
00:12:26,269 --> 00:12:30,208
Hey, who's got unresolved issues
with her now?

228
00:12:30,209 --> 00:12:33,251
Did it ever occur to you
that you might want to support me,

229
00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:37,320
-your daughter?
-Why can't we support Alan, too?

230
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:42,677
-Because I'm divorcing him.
-Who told you to go and do that?

231
00:12:43,150 --> 00:12:44,366
It's very sweet of you

232
00:12:44,367 --> 00:12:46,769
to go to all this trouble,
but who are you kidding?

233
00:12:46,770 --> 00:12:50,356
The plaid shirt,
the sweater vest, the kid actor.

234
00:12:50,357 --> 00:12:52,844
No, that's really my nephew.

235
00:12:53,112 --> 00:12:57,404
I love you, Charlie,
but you're not gonna change my mind.

236
00:12:57,405 --> 00:12:59,197
-Live with me.
-Charlie.

237
00:12:59,198 --> 00:13:02,945
-No, I'm serious. Move back in.
-Really? And then what?

238
00:13:02,946 --> 00:13:05,219
And then, we'll see.

239
00:13:05,220 --> 00:13:08,289
Wow, a commitment to "see."

240
00:13:08,647 --> 00:13:12,650
And what finger does that ring go on,
Charlie?

241
00:13:12,651 --> 00:13:15,310
-You know what I mean.
-I know exactly what you mean.

242
00:13:15,311 --> 00:13:18,000
You want me to waste
a couple of more years of my life

243
00:13:18,001 --> 00:13:20,722
on a relationship
that's absolutely doomed to fail.

244
00:13:20,723 --> 00:13:23,123
Not your life, our life.

245
00:13:25,528 --> 00:13:28,891
Look, I appreciate your feelings for me,
but I have to tell you,

246
00:13:28,892 --> 00:13:31,486
I really think your daughter deserves
a lot of respect.

247
00:13:31,487 --> 00:13:34,721
It takes real courage to make changes
in your life and not worry

248
00:13:34,722 --> 00:13:37,091
-about what everybody thinks.
-Thank you, Alan.

249
00:13:37,092 --> 00:13:38,180
That's true.

250
00:13:38,181 --> 00:13:44,507
The lesbians of my generation
were too scared to come out of the closet.

251
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:50,384
Does that mean what I think it means?

252
00:13:50,385 --> 00:13:52,627
-You haven't told them?
-No.

253
00:13:52,628 --> 00:13:57,751
I thought it would be more appropriate
coming from your mother.

254
00:13:57,752 --> 00:14:00,308
I'm sorry, did I faux pas?

255
00:14:00,956 --> 00:14:04,460
-Yes, just get her out of here.
-Mom...

256
00:14:05,985 --> 00:14:08,385
What was I thinking?

257
00:14:12,039 --> 00:14:14,439
Happy Thanksgiving.

258
00:14:14,601 --> 00:14:18,797
Sorry I'm late,
but I didn't realize you're having a party.

259
00:14:18,797 --> 00:14:20,399
-Hi, I'm Rose.
-Hi.

260
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:24,979
Don't worry. Charlie and I had sex once,
but now we're just friends.

261
00:14:24,980 --> 00:14:27,466
Who's ready for mystery pie?

262
00:14:28,696 --> 00:14:30,937
If you were living here,
these kinds of things

263
00:14:30,938 --> 00:14:33,338
probably wouldn't happen.

264
00:14:41,477 --> 00:14:43,877
Here it is.

265
00:14:48,139 --> 00:14:49,836
Berta, nice looking bird,

266
00:14:49,837 --> 00:14:53,583
thanks for blowing off your family
and cooking for ours.

267
00:14:53,584 --> 00:14:55,984
Shove over.

268
00:14:56,884 --> 00:15:02,672
Are we gonna go around the table
and say what we're thankful for?

269
00:15:02,745 --> 00:15:05,145
Me, I got one.

270
00:15:05,501 --> 00:15:09,664
I'm thankful for the food we eat,
and thankful for the friends we meet.

271
00:15:09,665 --> 00:15:12,418
I'm thankful for my comfy seat.

272
00:15:12,419 --> 00:15:16,165
I'm thankful for the birdie's feet.

273
00:15:17,993 --> 00:15:22,154
White with foam, God bless America

274
00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:24,654
-Pull up, Rose.
-Sorry.

275
00:15:25,808 --> 00:15:28,050
-Jake, why don't you go?
-Okay.

276
00:15:28,051 --> 00:15:31,285
I'm thankful for my mom and dad,
and my Uncle Charlie,

277
00:15:31,286 --> 00:15:34,937
"who has shown in the few short months
that I've been here

278
00:15:34,938 --> 00:15:37,338
"that he is capable of..."

279
00:15:37,469 --> 00:15:38,748
Significant.

280
00:15:38,749 --> 00:15:41,677
"...significant change and growth."

281
00:15:44,740 --> 00:15:47,140
-Too obvious?
-Little bit.

282
00:15:47,719 --> 00:15:52,202
Okay, well, I'm thankful
that I can spend the holiday with

283
00:15:52,203 --> 00:15:57,051
all the people I love,
and all the people who love me,

284
00:15:57,072 --> 00:15:59,472
and Judith.

285
00:16:01,493 --> 00:16:04,759
I'm thankful I'll be dead someday
and you'll all feel horrible

286
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:07,160
you weren't nicer to me.

287
00:16:09,404 --> 00:16:11,262
And I'm thankful that our daughter

288
00:16:11,263 --> 00:16:15,227
gave us at least one grandchild
before she...

289
00:16:17,765 --> 00:16:19,782
I'm thankful I finally found a therapist

290
00:16:19,783 --> 00:16:23,113
who has no compunction
about prescribing powerful sedatives.

291
00:16:23,114 --> 00:16:26,252
I'm thankful I can sit here
and listen to you rich people whine

292
00:16:26,253 --> 00:16:32,378
while my family's scrabbling
for a corn dog at the Pomona Fairgrounds.

293
00:16:35,318 --> 00:16:37,718
-Charlie?
-No, you first.

294
00:16:41,276 --> 00:16:43,676
I'm thankful for you,

295
00:16:44,192 --> 00:16:47,590
and I hope you'll always be my friend.

296
00:16:47,651 --> 00:16:51,001
Okay, well, I'm thankful for you, too.

297
00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:54,697
And I'm thankful for everybody
coming together today

298
00:16:54,698 --> 00:16:58,999
as unwitting participants
in my desperate charade.

299
00:17:00,912 --> 00:17:03,312
Amen.

300
00:17:04,788 --> 00:17:07,381
Okay, maybe I should carve the turkey.

301
00:17:07,382 --> 00:17:08,823
I'll handle that for you, Son.

302
00:17:08,824 --> 00:17:11,546
-No, you both sit down. I'll do it.
-No, Mom, I can do it.

303
00:17:11,547 --> 00:17:12,795
No, don't be ridiculous.

304
00:17:12,796 --> 00:17:15,742
-No, I insist. I would love to.
-I appreciate the hospitality.

305
00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:18,143
Okay, everybody, stop!

306
00:17:18,914 --> 00:17:21,314
Mom, give me the knife.

307
00:17:21,317 --> 00:17:24,679
Charlie, don't be silly.
You don't know how to carve a turkey.

308
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:26,921
Maybe not,
but I'm the head of this household,

309
00:17:26,922 --> 00:17:29,804
and the head of the household
is supposed to carve the turkey.

310
00:17:29,805 --> 00:17:32,079
Why, because you saw it
on some TV show?

311
00:17:32,079 --> 00:17:36,691
-I swear, you are just like your father.
-No, I am not just not like my father.

312
00:17:36,692 --> 00:17:40,086
My father was afraid of you, and I'm not

313
00:17:40,087 --> 00:17:42,487
anymore.

314
00:17:42,938 --> 00:17:45,916
Okay, there was one unresolved issue.

315
00:17:45,917 --> 00:17:49,503
Charlie, now you're being foolish.
Give me the knife and sit down.

316
00:17:49,504 --> 00:17:51,904
Back off, lady.

317
00:17:52,964 --> 00:17:56,166
Every Thanksgiving,
you took the knife away from Dad,

318
00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:59,113
and when you did that,
you took away his manhood.

319
00:17:59,114 --> 00:18:01,900
You're not gonna take it away from me.

320
00:18:01,901 --> 00:18:04,686
There, see, it's carved.

321
00:18:07,698 --> 00:18:10,549
It's carved with my manhood.

322
00:18:15,995 --> 00:18:18,941
I don't think I'm very hungry anymore.

323
00:18:18,942 --> 00:18:20,959
Lisa, marry me.

324
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:24,892
-Marry you? You want me to marry you?
-Yes,

325
00:18:25,220 --> 00:18:27,620
you know, eventually.

326
00:18:32,780 --> 00:18:35,790
You sure you don't want
some turkey for the road?

327
00:18:35,791 --> 00:18:38,191
No, I'm fine.

328
00:18:38,770 --> 00:18:40,883
So, are you gonna invite me
to your wedding?

329
00:18:40,884 --> 00:18:42,421
Charlie.

330
00:18:42,422 --> 00:18:45,304
Will you at least call me
when you get divorced?

331
00:18:45,305 --> 00:18:47,762
You'll be first on my list.

332
00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:56,572
-For what it's worth, I do love you.
-I know that.

333
00:19:00,551 --> 00:19:03,336
-Best of luck.
-Thank you.

334
00:19:04,363 --> 00:19:06,850
You look good in long pants.

335
00:19:09,072 --> 00:19:11,472
Thanks.

336
00:19:36,716 --> 00:19:39,116
Charlie,

337
00:19:42,033 --> 00:19:44,433
we're still eating.