1 00:00:03,250 --> 00:00:06,292 These divorce lawyers have a good business, don't they? 2 00:00:06,293 --> 00:00:10,815 Yeah, in the same way locusts have a good business. 3 00:00:13,661 --> 00:00:16,454 Smells good. So does the coffee. 4 00:00:18,273 --> 00:00:21,888 Charlie, stop sniffing the paralegals. 5 00:00:22,053 --> 00:00:24,294 Look, I am paying my attorney by the hour, 6 00:00:24,295 --> 00:00:25,831 so just speak when spoken to 7 00:00:25,832 --> 00:00:29,666 and otherwise, you know, just shut up. 8 00:00:30,541 --> 00:00:34,063 If you'd listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. 9 00:00:34,064 --> 00:00:35,985 I'm the one who told you not to marry her. 10 00:00:35,986 --> 00:00:39,253 You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof 11 00:00:39,254 --> 00:00:44,089 with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school. 12 00:00:44,090 --> 00:00:45,979 The one time you listened to me. 13 00:00:45,980 --> 00:00:48,702 Let me tell you another thing. If I hadn't married Judith, 14 00:00:48,703 --> 00:00:49,919 there'd be no Jake. 15 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:53,025 I didn't say you couldn't knock her up. 16 00:00:53,026 --> 00:00:55,364 Okay, let's get started. 17 00:00:55,365 --> 00:00:57,382 -Wow! -No. 18 00:00:57,383 --> 00:01:01,216 No wowing. No sniffing, no wowing. 19 00:01:02,348 --> 00:01:04,525 -Laura Lang. -Charlie Harper. 20 00:01:04,526 --> 00:01:07,792 -Didn't you used to date Superman? -That's Lana Lang. 21 00:01:07,793 --> 00:01:09,553 She was Superboy's girlfriend. 22 00:01:09,554 --> 00:01:12,821 And guys have been using that tired old line on me since the fifth grade. 23 00:01:12,822 --> 00:01:14,614 Did it ever work? 24 00:01:14,615 --> 00:01:18,458 -Let's just get down to business, okay? -Okay. 25 00:01:18,459 --> 00:01:21,377 Didn't the Titanic bang into her? 26 00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:24,352 Okay, Mr. Harper, the reason I wanted to see you is 27 00:01:24,353 --> 00:01:26,754 because your brother is involved in a divorce action 28 00:01:26,755 --> 00:01:29,157 where the custody of his son might become an issue. 29 00:01:29,158 --> 00:01:30,598 Really? Why? 30 00:01:30,599 --> 00:01:33,224 Because Jake stays with his father part-time, 31 00:01:33,225 --> 00:01:36,107 his father lives with you, and in the words of his mother, 32 00:01:36,108 --> 00:01:38,478 you are, hang on, I want to get this right. 33 00:01:38,479 --> 00:01:40,966 Here it is, "A sleaze ball." 34 00:01:42,130 --> 00:01:44,084 Yeah. So? 35 00:01:44,084 --> 00:01:46,774 So she might try to take Jake out of your home. 36 00:01:46,775 --> 00:01:49,185 Why? It's a beautiful home. 37 00:01:49,498 --> 00:01:53,309 You should really come see it some evening. 38 00:01:54,974 --> 00:01:58,273 It's in Malibu. Right on the beach. 39 00:02:00,035 --> 00:02:03,815 My point is, if Mrs. Harper decides to make an issue out of your lifestyle 40 00:02:03,816 --> 00:02:05,064 we need to be prepared. 41 00:02:05,065 --> 00:02:06,441 What's wrong with my lifestyle? 42 00:02:06,442 --> 00:02:10,060 No, we are not going down that road at $300 an hour. 43 00:02:10,061 --> 00:02:11,406 Relax, Alan. 44 00:02:11,407 --> 00:02:14,833 I'm going to need to know every possible thing they can use against us. 45 00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:18,444 -Every skeleton in your closet. -Oh, boy. 46 00:02:19,126 --> 00:02:21,592 So what, you want to know about my sex life? 47 00:02:21,592 --> 00:02:25,660 Your sex life, your drinking, your gambling, partying. 48 00:02:25,661 --> 00:02:28,061 On the beach. 49 00:02:28,767 --> 00:02:31,137 Mr. Harper. 50 00:02:31,137 --> 00:02:34,019 I'm sorry. But isn't that kind of an invasion of my privacy? 51 00:02:34,020 --> 00:02:36,102 It is, and I apologize for that. 52 00:02:36,102 --> 00:02:40,618 But I handle a lot of divorces, and believe me, they can get nasty. 53 00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:44,141 Look, I've got to be in court. So why don't you give this some thought, 54 00:02:44,142 --> 00:02:49,451 and when you gather the information we need, give me a call. 55 00:02:51,381 --> 00:02:55,298 Okay. Starting from now and working backward, 56 00:02:55,321 --> 00:02:58,837 I've slept with my brother's attorney... 57 00:03:09,927 --> 00:03:13,076 So, Laura, let me ask you something. 58 00:03:13,099 --> 00:03:17,165 The other day in your office, you didn't seem to like me much. 59 00:03:17,166 --> 00:03:22,771 I was just wondering what caused you to drive over here, you know, mostly naked? 60 00:03:22,772 --> 00:03:25,974 Charlie, I don't have to like you to want you. 61 00:03:25,975 --> 00:03:28,375 Right on. 62 00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:35,167 For the record, I don't like you much either. 63 00:03:35,168 --> 00:03:37,568 Right on. 64 00:03:39,684 --> 00:03:42,084 Another question. 65 00:03:42,792 --> 00:03:45,449 Seeing as how you're my brother's lawyer and all, 66 00:03:45,450 --> 00:03:48,684 is what we're doing here, what's the word, unethical? 67 00:03:48,685 --> 00:03:50,958 Oh, God, yes. 68 00:03:50,959 --> 00:03:53,359 Right on. 69 00:03:53,810 --> 00:03:55,731 Listen, Charlie. 70 00:03:55,732 --> 00:03:59,127 I totally get who you are. You date lots of women, you're a player. 71 00:03:59,128 --> 00:04:03,611 -That's fine. I don't care. -You are very special. 72 00:04:03,612 --> 00:04:06,077 I just have one little request. 73 00:04:06,078 --> 00:04:08,543 You can pretty much have anything you want right now. 74 00:04:08,544 --> 00:04:11,875 If your brother found out about us, he could sue me for malpractice. 75 00:04:11,876 --> 00:04:13,284 I'm taking a big risk here. 76 00:04:13,285 --> 00:04:18,665 -Man, this just keeps getting hotter. -But I need you to do something for me. 77 00:04:18,666 --> 00:04:22,829 When I call you, when I want you, you've got to be there. 78 00:04:22,830 --> 00:04:27,177 Okay. Let's practice. Hello? 79 00:04:27,603 --> 00:04:30,243 -Hey, Laura. What's up? -Now. 80 00:04:30,261 --> 00:04:32,661 Right on. 81 00:04:37,436 --> 00:04:40,822 -Hello? Charlie? -No. 82 00:04:42,433 --> 00:04:46,340 Sorry, but I'm gonna have to speed this up. 83 00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:48,038 Charlie, relax. 84 00:04:48,039 --> 00:04:51,241 Just go downstairs and distract him while I sneak out. 85 00:04:51,242 --> 00:04:54,092 -You're going to leave? -I'm done. 86 00:04:54,093 --> 00:04:56,915 No cuddling, no sharing feelings? 87 00:04:57,007 --> 00:05:00,690 -I think I'm starting to like you. -Save the sweet talk. 88 00:05:00,691 --> 00:05:02,163 Just remember our deal. 89 00:05:02,164 --> 00:05:04,566 You know, it suddenly occurs to me, 90 00:05:04,567 --> 00:05:07,160 I'm usually the one sneaking out when the man gets home. 91 00:05:07,161 --> 00:05:08,986 Charlie, go. 92 00:05:08,987 --> 00:05:11,521 I thought it was a fun fact. 93 00:05:14,176 --> 00:05:15,968 -Hi, Uncle Charlie. -Hey, buddy. 94 00:05:15,969 --> 00:05:19,012 -You're here early. -Teacher's conference, half day. 95 00:05:19,013 --> 00:05:21,221 -Where you going? -Looking for my Gameboy. 96 00:05:21,222 --> 00:05:25,706 Forget your Gameboy. It's a beautiful day. Go watch TV. 97 00:05:25,707 --> 00:05:31,792 I don't want to watch TV. I want to play my Gameboy, and it's in your room. 98 00:05:31,793 --> 00:05:35,187 The parental code that unlocks the pay channels is one-two-three-four. 99 00:05:35,188 --> 00:05:38,692 One-two-three-four. I should have known. 100 00:05:40,282 --> 00:05:42,714 I'm sorry. Did I interrupt your late-morning nap, 101 00:05:42,715 --> 00:05:44,380 or your early-afternoon nap? 102 00:05:44,381 --> 00:05:46,781 I don't nap. I recharge. 103 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:50,870 -Can I get you a beer? -Sure, thanks. 104 00:05:51,524 --> 00:05:52,869 Come on. 105 00:05:52,870 --> 00:05:55,463 Hang on. Alan Harper for Laura Lang, please. 106 00:05:55,464 --> 00:05:57,449 -What are you doing? -I'm calling my lawyer. 107 00:05:57,450 --> 00:05:59,435 Why? I thought we were going to have a beer. 108 00:05:59,436 --> 00:06:01,613 Judith is demanding half of my book collection. 109 00:06:01,614 --> 00:06:02,702 Oh, man. 110 00:06:02,703 --> 00:06:06,481 -Sounds like you need a beer. -They are rare first editions, Charlie. 111 00:06:06,482 --> 00:06:07,602 Very valuable. 112 00:06:07,603 --> 00:06:09,909 Okay, you don't need to get your lawyer involved. 113 00:06:09,910 --> 00:06:12,247 You still got your old garage door clicker, right? 114 00:06:12,248 --> 00:06:14,393 -Yeah. -So let Judith have the books. 115 00:06:14,394 --> 00:06:17,916 Then one night, maybe someone goes and gets them back. 116 00:06:17,917 --> 00:06:19,775 Wonderful. Breaking and entering. 117 00:06:19,776 --> 00:06:24,291 -It's not breaking if you have the clicker. -More good advice. 118 00:06:24,292 --> 00:06:26,085 And it's free. 119 00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:29,448 -So hang up, and let's get that beer. -Sure, I'll hold. 120 00:06:29,449 --> 00:06:34,047 Yeah, they're patching me through to her cell phone. 121 00:06:34,349 --> 00:06:35,694 What's that? 122 00:06:35,695 --> 00:06:39,376 That is coincidentally my cell phone. 123 00:06:40,980 --> 00:06:43,380 -Excuse me. -Hi, Alan. 124 00:06:43,959 --> 00:06:47,060 -Don't answer. -What's up? 125 00:06:47,483 --> 00:06:49,916 -What are you doing? -Hang on, Alan. 126 00:06:49,917 --> 00:06:52,126 I'm making a living, Charlie. 127 00:06:52,127 --> 00:06:54,208 I thought you were worried about malpractice. 128 00:06:54,209 --> 00:06:57,123 I'm more worried about billable hours. 129 00:06:57,124 --> 00:07:00,647 Can you prove you acquired the books in question prior to the marriage? 130 00:07:00,648 --> 00:07:03,048 -Charlie? -Coming! 131 00:07:03,466 --> 00:07:07,332 -Why are you shushing me? Hang on. -What? 132 00:07:07,406 --> 00:07:10,288 -I'm on the phone with Laura. -Say hi for me. 133 00:07:10,289 --> 00:07:14,515 -Give it up, Charlie. She doesn't like you. -True. 134 00:07:14,516 --> 00:07:18,615 You'll testify that I bought all my first edition books before I got married, right? 135 00:07:18,616 --> 00:07:19,737 -Did you? -No. 136 00:07:19,738 --> 00:07:23,196 -Then I'm your man. -I can prove it. Charlie's my witness. 137 00:07:23,197 --> 00:07:27,072 -What happened to the TV? -There's nothing dirty on. 138 00:07:27,073 --> 00:07:29,667 -I'm going to go play my Gameboy. -No. 139 00:07:29,668 --> 00:07:32,773 Wait right here. I'll get it for you. 140 00:07:32,774 --> 00:07:35,080 Of course he's credible. 141 00:07:35,081 --> 00:07:36,297 I don't know, Alan. 142 00:07:36,298 --> 00:07:43,133 If the right lawyer gets their hands on him, they could really make him sweat. 143 00:07:43,281 --> 00:07:44,817 Yeah, very funny. 144 00:07:44,818 --> 00:07:47,283 Have you seen a Gameboy anywhere around here? 145 00:07:47,284 --> 00:07:49,365 Okay, we'll just have to do the best we can. 146 00:07:49,366 --> 00:07:52,504 I'll tell him exactly what to do and who knows, 147 00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:55,116 maybe he'll get the job done. 148 00:07:56,701 --> 00:07:59,101 I got the job done twice. 149 00:08:00,225 --> 00:08:02,274 Why don't you let me talk to him? 150 00:08:02,275 --> 00:08:04,675 Charlie? 151 00:08:06,919 --> 00:08:09,319 Why? 152 00:08:14,446 --> 00:08:18,555 -Where's my Gameboy? -I'll buy you a new one. 153 00:08:18,675 --> 00:08:21,172 She wants to talk to you. Keep it short. 154 00:08:21,173 --> 00:08:25,016 Alan, if I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler. 155 00:08:25,017 --> 00:08:27,417 -Hello? -Now. 156 00:08:27,451 --> 00:08:29,851 What? 157 00:08:29,982 --> 00:08:32,406 I want you now. 158 00:08:33,537 --> 00:08:34,977 You've gotta be kidding. 159 00:08:34,978 --> 00:08:40,071 Charlie, I'm paying her by the hour. Just listen to her and do what she says. 160 00:08:40,072 --> 00:08:43,518 You're the boss. I'll get right on it. 161 00:08:43,916 --> 00:08:45,868 What did she say? 162 00:08:45,869 --> 00:08:47,918 She wants me to write a statement. 163 00:08:47,919 --> 00:08:51,442 And she wants you to take Jake out and buy him a new Gameboy. 164 00:08:51,443 --> 00:08:52,563 Why would she want that? 165 00:08:52,564 --> 00:08:54,773 For God's sake, Alan, you're paying this woman 166 00:08:54,774 --> 00:08:58,911 a lot of money. I suggest you take her advice. 167 00:08:59,291 --> 00:09:01,691 Jake, we're going out. 168 00:09:02,782 --> 00:09:05,920 I just want to make it clear that I would never behave in a way 169 00:09:05,921 --> 00:09:09,091 that would negatively influence my nephew. 170 00:09:09,092 --> 00:09:11,429 What was that? Is she allowed to do that? 171 00:09:11,430 --> 00:09:13,896 Mr. Harper, how many women would you say 172 00:09:13,897 --> 00:09:16,778 you have sexual relations with in any given year? 173 00:09:16,779 --> 00:09:19,179 Excuse me. 174 00:09:24,819 --> 00:09:27,219 I do okay. 175 00:09:27,830 --> 00:09:30,167 Ten, twenty, one hundred? 176 00:09:30,168 --> 00:09:33,563 -Come on, I don't keep count. -So we'll say, 10. 177 00:09:33,563 --> 00:09:35,228 I don't see the relevance of this. 178 00:09:35,229 --> 00:09:37,790 We are trying to establish Mr. Harper's lifestyle 179 00:09:37,791 --> 00:09:41,090 as a way of determining whether his home is a suitable environment 180 00:09:41,091 --> 00:09:42,211 for a young boy. 181 00:09:42,212 --> 00:09:44,260 Okay, let me just say here that I love Jake 182 00:09:44,261 --> 00:09:47,656 and I make it my business to see that nothing goes on in front of him 183 00:09:47,657 --> 00:09:51,212 -that is in any way inappropriate. -You tell him, Charlie. 184 00:09:51,213 --> 00:09:54,284 And it's significantly north of 10. 185 00:09:59,797 --> 00:10:04,473 I think we can move on. Do you have any more questions? 186 00:10:04,474 --> 00:10:07,738 -You are doing very well. -Thanks. 187 00:10:09,631 --> 00:10:14,306 Mr. Harper, is it true that Jake saw a woman in the shower with you? 188 00:10:14,307 --> 00:10:16,707 Okay, yes. 189 00:10:16,837 --> 00:10:20,232 Now in that instance, the door was closed, 190 00:10:20,233 --> 00:10:21,641 he didn't knock, 191 00:10:21,642 --> 00:10:25,257 and the door was closed and... 192 00:10:26,863 --> 00:10:30,137 And I'm sorry, what was the question? 193 00:10:31,540 --> 00:10:35,044 -Woman in the shower? -Don't help them. 194 00:10:36,088 --> 00:10:39,258 And most important, he didn't see anything inappropriate. 195 00:10:39,259 --> 00:10:44,645 Then, what can you tell us about this picture that Jake drew? 196 00:10:47,716 --> 00:10:52,112 Okay, now that's a totally different... Whoa, man! 197 00:10:53,193 --> 00:10:55,593 Whoa-man. Woman. 198 00:10:57,292 --> 00:11:00,046 She was in my kitchen wearing a T-shirt 199 00:11:00,047 --> 00:11:02,687 and she reached up for some... 200 00:11:04,852 --> 00:11:07,252 SpaghettiOs. 201 00:11:08,087 --> 00:11:10,969 That's what she was reaching for. 202 00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:14,954 I'd like a moment to confer with my witness. 203 00:11:15,647 --> 00:11:19,065 You are making me so hot. 204 00:11:20,131 --> 00:11:22,531 I see. 205 00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:28,906 Look, Stuart, we both know you're on a fishing expedition here, right? 206 00:11:28,907 --> 00:11:31,307 -Maybe. -Maybe? 207 00:11:31,662 --> 00:11:35,441 You have no case. This man is a wonderful uncle. 208 00:11:35,442 --> 00:11:37,106 He provides a beautiful home, 209 00:11:37,107 --> 00:11:38,515 and the last time I looked, 210 00:11:38,516 --> 00:11:42,135 it wasn't against the law to be single in the United States of America. 211 00:11:42,136 --> 00:11:44,536 Oh, God! 212 00:11:46,941 --> 00:11:49,341 Bless America! 213 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:53,120 Amen. 214 00:11:55,909 --> 00:11:59,016 The good news is your wife has given up on the custody issue, 215 00:11:59,016 --> 00:12:01,450 but we still need to finalize the property settlement. 216 00:12:01,451 --> 00:12:02,539 All right. 217 00:12:02,540 --> 00:12:06,030 Now, aside from your books, she's requested a few other specific items. 218 00:12:06,031 --> 00:12:09,034 -Like what? -A massage chair? 219 00:12:09,107 --> 00:12:12,380 Oh, no. Forget it. I love that chair. 220 00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:17,530 That was the only thing in my bedroom that moved when I touched it. 221 00:12:17,531 --> 00:12:19,643 Don't worry, Alan. I will get you your chair. 222 00:12:19,644 --> 00:12:22,879 I will get you your books. I will fight for you. I will win for you. 223 00:12:22,879 --> 00:12:27,299 And I won't stop until your wife is squished like a bug on a windshield. 224 00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:32,104 Okay, let's not lose sight of the fact that this bug is the mother of my child. 225 00:12:32,105 --> 00:12:35,051 So let's just keep the squishing to a minimum. 226 00:12:35,052 --> 00:12:37,773 Don't worry, you don't need a bathing suit. 227 00:12:37,774 --> 00:12:41,009 Once you're drunk, the ocean's not cold at all. 228 00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,409 -Charlie. -Hey, Alan. 229 00:12:45,782 --> 00:12:48,151 And Laura. 230 00:12:48,152 --> 00:12:50,552 Hello, Laura. 231 00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:52,475 I didn't know you were here. 232 00:12:52,476 --> 00:12:55,294 -Hi, Charlie, Crystal. -Hey. 233 00:12:57,025 --> 00:13:00,452 Yeah, I guess you guys know each other. 234 00:13:01,317 --> 00:13:03,717 How's that flu? 235 00:13:03,847 --> 00:13:06,247 It's better. 236 00:13:08,556 --> 00:13:12,338 This calls for a drink. A very large drink. 237 00:13:14,546 --> 00:13:18,732 I'm not getting billed for her time now, am l? 238 00:13:25,949 --> 00:13:27,421 Charlie? 239 00:13:27,422 --> 00:13:29,215 Okay, I know this is awkward, 240 00:13:29,216 --> 00:13:31,201 but let's keep in mind we agreed 241 00:13:31,202 --> 00:13:35,782 that you and I were just a casual deal, two consenting adults, no strings, no drama. 242 00:13:35,783 --> 00:13:38,888 I'm willing to admit that trying to boink your assistant might... 243 00:13:38,889 --> 00:13:41,289 -Charlie! -Yeah? 244 00:13:41,997 --> 00:13:44,013 Now. 245 00:13:44,014 --> 00:13:45,327 What? 246 00:13:45,328 --> 00:13:48,112 I want you now. 247 00:13:48,659 --> 00:13:53,206 But see, now's really not a good time. I mean, you're working with my brother 248 00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:55,693 and Crystal took a sick day. 249 00:13:59,133 --> 00:14:01,533 Okay, that's a good point. 250 00:14:02,112 --> 00:14:04,512 Let me think this through. 251 00:14:05,987 --> 00:14:08,517 All right, there's just one way to make this work. 252 00:14:08,518 --> 00:14:10,951 I don't do threesomes, Charlie. 253 00:14:10,952 --> 00:14:14,219 -Then I'm stumped. -What's going on? 254 00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:16,364 Nothing. Not a thing. 255 00:14:16,365 --> 00:14:19,504 -Charlie, there's no reason to lie. -Are you sure? 256 00:14:19,505 --> 00:14:21,904 There usually is. 257 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:25,974 I'm a little upset with your brother for getting involved with my assistant. 258 00:14:25,975 --> 00:14:28,537 I mean, it could be construed as a breach of ethics. 259 00:14:28,538 --> 00:14:31,163 Nice going, Charlie. This won't affect my case, will it? 260 00:14:31,164 --> 00:14:33,246 No, of course not, Alan. I'm a professional. 261 00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:36,448 If we're going to make it to that settlement conference on time 262 00:14:36,449 --> 00:14:39,939 maybe you should put on a jacket and tie. Nothing too nice. 263 00:14:39,940 --> 00:14:41,029 You're good. 264 00:14:41,030 --> 00:14:45,865 Do you think you can keep it in your pants till I get my stuff back? 265 00:14:45,866 --> 00:14:48,785 I'm trying harder than you think. 266 00:14:50,479 --> 00:14:53,201 Okay, we've got 15 minutes. Where do you want to do this? 267 00:14:53,201 --> 00:14:55,443 Hold on. 268 00:14:55,444 --> 00:14:59,985 It's not that I'm not into risky, semi-public sex, 269 00:15:00,568 --> 00:15:04,411 it's just that I am starting to resent your attitude. 270 00:15:04,412 --> 00:15:06,812 Charlie, we have a deal. 271 00:15:06,847 --> 00:15:09,246 Okay, Laura, look. 272 00:15:10,594 --> 00:15:13,155 I only went along with that because 273 00:15:13,156 --> 00:15:18,206 you are hot, and it took little to no effort on my part. 274 00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:25,051 Just make yourself at home, Crystal. That's the ocean. 275 00:15:28,212 --> 00:15:31,562 Anyway, I think we might be done here. 276 00:15:31,799 --> 00:15:34,199 -You're dumping me? -Yep. 277 00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:37,434 Now. 278 00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:42,371 You are going to be very sorry, Charlie Harper. 279 00:15:46,789 --> 00:15:53,419 Yeah, girls have been using that tired old line on me since the fifth grade. 280 00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:58,288 The next item is the rare book collection appraised at $12,000. 281 00:15:58,289 --> 00:16:01,043 Actually, our appraisers came in at $16,500. 282 00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:03,444 -Yeah. -Enjoy them. 283 00:16:07,514 --> 00:16:08,633 What? 284 00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:11,741 -I was only asking for half. -Why break up a collection? 285 00:16:11,742 --> 00:16:13,535 Okay, what's next? 286 00:16:13,536 --> 00:16:16,193 I understand there's a dispute over the massage chair. 287 00:16:16,194 --> 00:16:18,019 Not anymore. We concede. 288 00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:20,517 What do you mean we concede? We're not here for conceding. 289 00:16:20,518 --> 00:16:23,432 We're here for fighting and winning and squishing, remember? 290 00:16:23,433 --> 00:16:27,756 -Alan, I know what I'm doing. -Okay, moving on to the retirement fund. 291 00:16:27,757 --> 00:16:28,877 -Take it. -Take it? 292 00:16:28,878 --> 00:16:30,767 -Take it. -I'll take it. 293 00:16:30,768 --> 00:16:32,433 Are you out of your mind? 294 00:16:32,434 --> 00:16:36,322 -Okay, what else would you like? -What else? 295 00:16:36,726 --> 00:16:42,745 Judith, for God's sake, remember there was a time when you loved me! 296 00:16:56,778 --> 00:16:59,178 Cool. 297 00:17:02,031 --> 00:17:03,151 That was quick. 298 00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:07,193 Yeah, like every other time Judith screwed me. 299 00:17:10,711 --> 00:17:13,624 -What happened? -I'll tell you what happened. 300 00:17:13,625 --> 00:17:18,915 My settlement conference turned in to a drive-by colonoscopy. 301 00:17:20,352 --> 00:17:22,818 Charlie, have you ever heard of a divorce agreement 302 00:17:22,819 --> 00:17:24,451 that requires the ex-husband 303 00:17:24,452 --> 00:17:28,679 -to pay the ex-wife's dry cleaning for life? -Wow. 304 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:30,569 Yeah, not just clothes. 305 00:17:30,570 --> 00:17:32,970 Drapes, rugs, 306 00:17:33,068 --> 00:17:36,301 slip covers, even suede. 307 00:17:37,617 --> 00:17:41,860 Sounds like she really took you to the cleaners. 308 00:17:42,357 --> 00:17:44,182 Sorry. 309 00:17:44,183 --> 00:17:47,481 So I fired Laura and tore up the agreement. 310 00:17:47,482 --> 00:17:50,589 I'm going to have to find a new attorney and just start all over. 311 00:17:50,590 --> 00:17:53,153 Good, then. No harm, no foul. 312 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,963 Except for the thousands of dollars of extra legal fees. 313 00:17:56,964 --> 00:17:59,044 Yeah, that's got to sting a little. 314 00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:04,170 Not as much as having to buy Judith's parents a retirement condo in Boca Raton. 315 00:18:04,171 --> 00:18:08,526 She didn't even ask for that. Laura just threw it in. 316 00:18:08,527 --> 00:18:10,480 Lawyers. 317 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,946 But you know what the interesting thing is? 318 00:18:12,947 --> 00:18:14,388 No, what? 319 00:18:14,389 --> 00:18:15,925 After it was all over 320 00:18:15,926 --> 00:18:20,121 and Judith and her attorney went dancing out of the room, 321 00:18:20,122 --> 00:18:23,068 I asked Laura why she had done this to me, 322 00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:27,196 and she said, and I quote, "Ask your brother." 323 00:18:30,597 --> 00:18:33,829 So here I am asking you. 324 00:18:35,177 --> 00:18:37,577 Why, Charlie? 325 00:18:38,347 --> 00:18:44,194 Why did my very expensive Beverly Hills divorce lawyer sell me out? 326 00:18:45,811 --> 00:18:49,008 Okay. I'll tell you the whole story. 327 00:18:49,655 --> 00:18:52,804 But maybe you should sit down first.