- Hey, buddy. - Hi, Uncle Charlie.
- Ready for a fun weekend? - He's not gonna have a fun weekend.
Charlie, he's gonna study for a history test on Monday.
Well, if believing that gets you back in your car, I'll play along.
- Where's Alan? - He's not here.
Really? I told him I was on my way.
That might be why he's not here.
Okay, I'll just have to go over everything with you.
I'm gonna visit my parents.
I won't pick Jake up till Wednesday. Alan has to take him to school.
Monday is soccer practice.
He has his math tutor and his guitar teacher on Tuesday...
Hang on. Hang on.
Oh, hi, Judith.
Alan, why are you avoiding me?
- I'm not avoiding you as much as... - Hiding.
- Thank you. - Why were you hiding?
Why does the wounded gazelle hide from the stealthy jaguar?
Why does the helpless piglet hide from ravenous wolverine?
Animal Planet.
You learn a lot.
We need to talk about your pain-in-the-ass mother.
You know, I would love to...
...but as Charlie told you, I'm not here. - I let her take Jake out to dinner.
She brought him home and she lectured me for 15 minutes about his dirty ears.
- Fifteen minutes, huh? - How long is this gonna take?
Like I'm a bad parent.
Let her try and get a Q-Tip in a squirming 11 -year-old boy's ear.
Mom didn't believe in Q-Tips. She had a squirt gun.
You know, the woolly meerkat of western Africa...
...buries her cubs up to their necks and licks their ears clean.
What? It seemed apropos.
If she wants to spend time with her grandson...
...she needs to back off. - Okay, I'll tell her.
- Thank you. - I'll tell Alan you stopped by.
Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what?
- I don't remember. - You just read that chapter.
Yeah, but Lewis and Clark was a long time ago.
Thanks for the ride, Sally.
And for getting me home too.
- Why is that funny? - It's not.
Mustang Sally, giddyup.
Now, Lewis and Clark.
Face it, Dad, I'm just not good at history.
Really? What did you have for lunch yesterday?
A pizza square. Actually, two pizza squares, a ice cream sandwich...
...and a bag of Skittles. - Okay, see, that's history.
And a Ding Dong and a diet root beer.
- Great. - Wait. It wasn't a Ding Dong.
- It was a Ho Ho. - Got it.
You know what I like? Those big, pink things with coconut.
- Snow Balls? - Exactly. Can you still get those?
Yeah, but not at the supermarket. You have to go to 7-Eleven.
Thank you.
Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven?
No, we are trying to study.
All right, I'll hoof it.
- Can I bring you back something? - Ding Dong.
Who's there?
I'm trying to get him ready for his test.
Sorry. Sorry. You go ahead. I'll pretend I'm not here.
Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what?
Louisiana Purchase.
- Right. - I knew that.
Yeah, but Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
And I'm still buzzed.
- Okay, give me another question. - All right.
Seward's Folly is another name for?
- Jake? - Alaska.
- Very good. - Oh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.
Okay, the score is 1 to 1.
Now that you mention it...
...an Eskimo Pie would go down pretty good right now.
Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven?
No, next question:
- The War of 1812... - 1812.
- No. - 1813.
Let me finish the question.
The War of 1812 was fought against whom?
- The British. - Very good, 2 to 1, Jake.
- Yes. - No fair. My buzzer's broken.
- Next question. - Let me try yours.
See? His works.
All right, contestants, we are at the final round.
The questions are worth more.
- And the answers are harder. - True.
- Wait for a question. - Okay.
Here we go. Name three changes in American life...
...brought about by the industrial revolution.
Populations shift to cities, employment moving from farms to factories, and...
- Yes? - Sorry, I hit it by mistake.
- Settlement of the West. - That's correct.
- You are our new champion. - Yes.
Settlement of the West.
- You see, Jake? You know this stuff. - Yeah, I guess I do.
- Trust me, you are gonna do great. - Yeah, thanks, Dad.
You're welcome. Now go get ready for bed.
- I'll be there in a minute to tuck you in. - Okey-dokey.
Oh, I gotta get a security camera.
Where's your brother? I wanna talk to him.
- He's not here. - Oh, really?
No, he's actually not here.
You know what his ex-wife said to me?
Mom, please go away.
She never calls me "Mom," but that was the gist of it.
I took Jake out to dinner...
- You're pretending not to understand me. - Right.
And all I did was suggest to Judith...
...that she might wanna pay a little more attention to her son's ear hygiene.
Not only was she completely unappreciative...
...but she had the nerve to denigrate how I raised my sons.
Yeah, because we turned out so well.
Excuse me, but whatever emotional issues you think you have...
...I kept your ears spotless.
I remember. You used the same Super Soaker...
...to keep us off the furniture.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...presenting noted scholar and A-student, Jake Harper.
- You got an A? - I got an A.
- All right. Way to go. - Congratulations, Jake.
- Thanks. It's my first A this year. - Really? Well, it's none too soon then.
- Mom, leave it alone. - I'm not saying anything.
I think it's wonderful. Did anybody else in your class get an A?
Almost everybody. Why?
Oh, I was just curious as to how hard the test was.
It doesn't matter, Mom. Still an A.
An A is very nice. I just don't know why you're making such a big fuss...
...if they're just handing them out like rubella vaccinations.
I don't know. It looks like a pretty hard test to me.
- No, it was easy. - That's because you studied.
- You earned that A. - Wendy Chow got an A-plus.
You hear that? Wendy Chow got an A-plus.
Wendy Chow is a freak of nature.
She cloned a goldfish for the science fair.
We can't compare Jake to her.
Who should we compare him to then? The paste eaters and the unibrows?
Darling, if you set the bar low in childhood...
...he may never reach the heights he's capable of.
You're condemning him to a life of failure and mediocrity.
Is that what you want, Jake? A life of failure and mediocrity?
No.
You see? He may well be sharper than you give him credit for.
I'm gonna go to my room.
I am putting that A-paper up on the fridge.
Wow. Texas used to be a separate country.
Why did we change that?
Not now, Charlie. How dare you?
- Excuse me? - He worked hard on that test.
He was finally feeling good about himself and his abilities...
...and in 30 seconds you managed to suck...
...every bit of self-esteem out of him. You're like a...
- A self-esteem sucker. - Yes, exactly.
Alan, I was just having a conversation with the boy.
No. No, you don't have conversations. You...
Suck self-esteem.
I would've gotten it.
Mom, I am sorry, but I don't think I want you around my son anymore.
- What? - You heard me.
You will not do to him...
...what you did to me and Charlie. - What did I do to you?
What did you do? What did she...? Charlie, tell her.
Why tell her when we can show her?
I see. So you're both turning against me.
Oh, I turned a long time ago.
Alan's just catching up.
All right, fine.
If I'm not welcome here...
...I'll leave.
My own sons are throwing me out.
Goodbye.
This isn't over, is it?
No, we're screwed.
Let me guess. Mom?
She's been calling all morning. I'm starting to feel guilty.
You can't show weakness, Alan. She'll sense it.
Like the hooded cobra senses the rapid heartbeat...
...of a panic-stricken kangaroo rat.
But don't you feel even a bit sorry for her?
Does the mongoose feel sorry for the wounded garden-snake?
Does the dingo feel sorry for the slow-crawling Australian baby?
- You guys okay? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
We're fine. Why?
Your mother just called me. She said she's been trying to reach you...
...all morning and she's very worried.
- We're fine, Rose. - We're not talking to her.
Why? Because she tried to encourage Jake to live up to his potential?
That's a reason to throw her out and slam the door in her face?
How could you be so cruel to your own mother?
And the dingo has found another Australian baby.
Rose, that's not what happened.
We were protecting Jake.
How? By ripping his only grandmother out of his life?
- He has another grandmother. - Oh, right, the Sacramento pill-freak.
Is that what she told you?
For the record, Jake's other grandmother...
...is out of rehab and doing just fine.
We appreciate your concern, Rose. Thanks for stopping by.
So now you're just gonna slam the door in my face?
Pretty much.
Not as satisfying with a glass door.
Okay, first she starts with the phone calls...
...then she sent Rose over. I wonder what's next.
I don't know, but I'm betting it'll be something big.
Right. I understand, it's terrible.
Okay, let me see what I can do about it.
How in the hell did your mother get my cell phone number?
Sometimes, when the nest is threatened...
... the seemingly docile creatures have been known to eat their own young.
Hey, did Mom call you at the office today?
No, she call here?
- No, it's been pretty quiet. - Yeah, maybe too quiet.
And here we see the female praying-mantis...
... after copulation, devouring her mate.
Your ex-wife back from her parents'?
Yeah, I dropped Jake off with her this afternoon.
Apparently her mom had a little relapse with the pills.
- Oh, yeah? - They found her in pajamas...
...driving an imaginary car through the home and garden section of Wal-Mart.
How could they tell if she was driving an imaginary car?
She rolled down the window to ask for directions to the pharmacy.
- Here we witness the... - Not Mom.
Hello? Yeah, this is Charlie Harper.
What? I see.
Okay, then. Thanks for letting me know.
- Who was that? - St. John's Hospital.
Our mother checked in this evening with chest pains and breathing difficulties.
- Oh, my God. - Ever wonder who was the first guy...
...to put pineapple on pizza?
I bet he was gay.
- Charlie... - No straight guy is gonna say:
"You know what this pizza could use? A pineapple ring."
God bless him. It's good.
Charlie, is Mom okay?
Of course she's okay. She's faking.
- How can you be so sure? - It really doesn't make any difference.
If she is faking and we rush to see her, she wins.
If she's not faking, and we ignore her...
...she complains about what horrible sons we are...
...and she still wins.
What if she's not faking and she dies?
Well, look at you, Mr. Glass Half-Full.
I can't help thinking this is all my fault.
I told Mom she couldn't see her grandson and she had a heart attack.
Alan, you forget who you're dealing with.
This woman buried two husbands and divorced two others.
She's lived through wars, riots, earthquakes.
Only way you're gonna bring her down is with a stake dipped in holy water.
Here we are.
Oh, my God. Mommy?
Excuse me?
- Are you family? - Yeah, we're her sons.
Is she gonna be okay? Tell me she's gonna be okay.
Your mother's gonna be fine. I can't find a thing wrong with her.
- Are you sure? - As sure as I can be.
Her heart's fine. Lungs are fine.
Blood chemistry's good. EEG's normal.
- Oh, thank God. - That bitch.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Excuse me. I'm gonna tell her she can go home.
- Oh, no, please, let us. - Yeah, we owe her that.
Suit yourself. Oh, better hurry, though.
The nurses are circulating a"do not revive" petition.
- You said there was nothing wrong. - It's a big hospital.
Things happen.
What do we do now?
Don't worry. I got a plan.
Oh, great, he has a plan.
Mom?
Charlie? Is that you?
Alan's here too, Mom.
- Hi, Mom. - Boys, you didn't have to come.
Are you kidding? Of course we did.
- Right, Alan? - Of course.
Tell us what happened.
I came home this afternoon, alone.
I was walking up the stairs...
...alone.
And I had trouble breathing...
...so I drove myself to the hospital...
...alone.
- Well, why did you drive yourself? - Oh, I didn't wanna bother...
...the ambulance people.
Why didn't you call us?
Oh, you both made it very clear how you feel about me.
Now, that's not fair.
Just tell Jake...
...his Grandmommy loves him very much.
Don't talk like that.
You can tell him yourself, after the operation.
What operation?
Relax. Relax. Quadruple bypasses are routine these days.
- Quadruple? - Yeah, yeah.
You got four clogged arteries. Right, Alan?
Right, the doctor said it's lucky you came when you did.
Another few days and you'd have been flopping around on the floor like a carp.
It's no big deal, Mom. They crack open you open...
...flush out the pipes, sew you back up and you're good as new.
Except, you know, for the big, gnarly scar on your chest.
They're prepping the OR.
We got the best surgeon available.
He's young but really sharp.
And well-respected in his own country.
Well, all right.
If it has to be done, it has to be done.
I love you, boys.
If the worst should happen...
...please remember that.
- Yeah. Sure. - Of course.
Oh, my God, Evelyn Are you all right?
Oh, Judith, is that you?
Yes, I'm right here. Jake's here too.
Oh, Jake. Come to Grandmommy, darling.
I'm sorry you feel bad, Grandma.
Oh, Grandmommy's feeling much better now that her little man is here.
- I made you a get-well card. - Oh, isn't that nice.
Gift shop wasn't open?
You said you had a plan. Well, guess what? It was a bad plan.
- Alan, calm down. - The plan sucked.
- Don't worry. - Don't worry?
She's expecting a quadruple bypass. What are we gonna do?
We're gonna get her one.
Must be someone around here who can handle a rib spreader.
- Charlie, that's insane. - You're right.
There's no time. Better scrub up.
She had to drive herself to the hospital? What is wrong with you two?
- Relax, Judith. She's not sick. - What?
She's faking and we called her bluff, and then she called ours.
So now, we're gonna have to cut her open.
You want in?
Hey, guess what? After Grandma's operation...
...she's gonna take me to Magic Mountain, okay?
Yeah, yeah, that's okay. We're gonna have to tell her.
You sure? We don't need to do the bypass.
All we do is put her out, slice her open.
- The scar will sell it. - The truth, Charlie.
Doesn't have to be a big scar.
Okay, doctor, let's schedule this as quickly as possible.
Oh, great. I'll be here.
Hello, boys.
- What are you doing? - Lf I'm going to have to have surgery...
...I want my own doctor.
Mom, you don't really need a surgeon.
Oh, but I do.
Your quadruple bypass story makes the perfect cover...
...for a little nip tuck.
No turkey neck for Grandmommy, right?
About Jake. I told him I'd take him to Magic Mountain...
...but you know how I feel about direct sunlight.
Yeah, and wolfbane.
You'll take him for me, won't you, Charlie?
- Sure, Mom. - I'll make it up to him...
...by taking him out for a haircut and some decent clothes.
- He'll like that. - Sure, Mom.
Maybe when his mother sees how nice he could look...
...she'll take the hint and stop dressing him like a tackling dummy.
Oh, the food here is just dreadful.
So why don't you boys run across the street...
...and get me a nice ahi tuna...
Charlie, what in God's name are you doing?
Just practicing.
The worker bees, or drones...
... live a life of utter devotion to their queen.
You had a plan.
From birth, these industrious yet mindless creatures...
... slave away to fulfill the queen 's every need.
"Don't worry, Alan. I have a plan."
Until finally they reach the end of their brief lifespan and die...
... becoming food and building materials for the rest of the hive.
Alan, where's my sandwich?
Coming, Mom.
A cruel existence? Perhaps. But that's life on the Animal Planet.