Previously on Two and a Half Men:
I'm asking you to marry me.
We might as well just go to Vegas and elope.
If we have a family, we'll need to turn the second bedroom into a nursery.
But that's- That's where Jake stays.
But once Alan moves out, Jake won't be staying there anymore.
Alan's moving out?
Of course he is. Isn't he?
I said, the wedding's off.
- Can I borrow your wedding ring? - What for?
Oh, I thought as long as we're in Vegas, I'd marry Kandi. Ha.
I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
I don't freaking believe it.
Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting what you always wanted.
I'm moving out of your house.
I don't freaking believe it.
Do we have time to play roulette before we go?
Oh, honey, that is a sucker's game. The odds are totally stacked against you.
Ooh, Super Slots O'Fun Jackpot.
Sure. Make the smart bet.
Here, honey, kiss it before I put it in.
And the honeymoon begins.
Slots of fun, you get it? It's s-lots of fun.
I'm ready for a refill.
Is that good?
I won. Ha-ha-ha!
I won a half a million dollars.
I don't freaking believe it.
- Alan, you're rich. - No, we're rich.
We're married now, what's mine is yours.
Really?
And the honeymoon ends.
Uh, excuse me. Do you know where Charlie is?
Who's Charlie?
Charlie, you in here?
Hey, Alan.
Long time no see.
- Say hello to my brother, Alan. - Hi, Alan.
- Hi, Alan.
Um...
- I'm interrupting. - Gee, you think?
All right, listen, I- I really need to talk to you.
Can you come downstairs?
Sure, give me...
- ...an hour and a half. - An hour and a half?
I know it's a little rushed but we're on a tight schedule here.
Tina's got homework, Cindy's gotta meet her fiancé and Marie-
Well, Marie's on the clock.
You had two women in bed and felt the need to call a professional?
Better safe than sorry.
I see. Well, I guess I'll just wait downstairs.
Good call. Because, you know, five's a crowd.
Okay, does everybody remember their assignment?
- Yeah. - Think so.
Then let's do this thing.
Hour and a half, on the dot.
Can I plan or what?
Hey, come on, show a little class.
So how's the newlywed?
- Still living the dream? - Well-
I gotta tell you, things haven't been the same around here since you left.
- That's nice but- - Yeah, they've been way better.
I mean, look around. I don't even know these people.
And I can have sex in every room in the house now.
I forgot how much fun you can have on top of a washing machine. You know:
- That does sound fun- - And the best part is:
Without Jake here, Mom has no reason to visit.
Heck, I may not have to see her again until we meet in hell.
- I'm happy for you. - Come to think of it, without Jake...
...there's no reason for you to visit.
- I'm your brother. - Yeah, so?
I'm your brother, I don't visit you.
Charlie, listen to me.
My wife threw me out.
Oh, dude. That's awful.
Yeah.
Well, thanks for stopping by.
Aren't you listening? Kandi doesn't love me anymore.
My marriage is over.
My life is in ruins.
Whoa.
- What? - Déjà vu.
It's as if I've lived through this before and didn't really enjoy it.
- Charlie, I- I- - But wait, there's a difference.
You can get your own place instead of sponging off me...
...because you have money now, right?
- Uh, well- - Oh, you suck.
It wasn't my fault. There were taxes and the condo...
...and- And Kandi's new car and Kandi's new clothes.
And- And the shoes- Oh, God, so many shoes.
How much do you have left?
Eleven dollars.
Okay, okay, let's start from the beginning.
- Things were fine until a month ago- - No, no, no.
I'll go back upstairs, you knock on my door and say you wanna talk to me.
Only this time, I'll kill you.
Oh, come on. You're all I have left in this world.
I need you, Charlie.
Anybody here know a Charlie?
Oh, jeez.
I'm working for Caligula.
- Hi, Berta. - Hey, Zippy.
What are you doing here?
My marriage is over. Kandi kicked me out.
Damn, that's horrible.
Yeah.
Damn, damn, damn.
- Tell me about it. - I had October in the pool.
- Pool? What-? What pool? - Me, your brother, your mom...
...a couple of neighbors had a pool on how long before she dumped your ass.
I was so close.
You were betting my marriage would fail?
No, we were betting on when.
So Charlie took you back, huh?
Well, not with open arms or an open heart...
...or even an open door.
After he pushed me out, I had to climb in through the window.
But, yeah, I'm back.
Well, I'm glad.
- You're kidding. - No. With you and the kid around...
...I won't have to hose down the washing machine so often.
I'll get that.
I guess there's no trusting this butter now.
Or the loose bananas.
- Hello, Alan. - Judith.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, buddy.
So is somebody gonna explain to me what the heck is going on?
I thought he should hear it from you.
Okay.
Jake, listen, I know you liked Kandi very much...
...but she and I have decided that we really can't stay married.
Oh, man.
- It doesn't mean that you can't be friends. - No, I had December.
Alan, I just wanna say I'm very sorry things didn't work out for you and Kandi.
Thanks.
You won the pool, didn't you?
Yeah.
And just FYl, I spoke to my lawyer.
Even if Kandi takes you for everything you've got...
...you still have to pay me alimony. Here's his bill.
Ha! Six hundred dollars?
He explained it very slowly.
- You didn't call. - What?
When Dad moved out, you said you and me could get together and do stuff.
But you never called.
Ah, jeez, Jake, I'm sorry.
I waited.
I'll make it up to you.
- When? - Later.
I'm still here.
- What do you want me to do, Jake? - I don't know.
You really let me down and it hurt my feelings.
I know. I feel awful.
Fifty bucks and it goes away.
- Ten. - Done.
Love you, Uncle Charlie.
Back at you.
How long is he gonna sit out there?
I don't know, Jake. He's pretty depressed.
Yeah. Well, that's the price you pay when you think with your penis.
- Did you hear that from your mother? - No, your mother.
- And how are you feeling about all this? - I'm okay.
- Are you sure? - Uncle Charlie, this is not my first divorce.
Got it.
I'll tell you one thing, though, I am never getting married.
That's a sweet dream to have, Jake.
Sooner or later, you'll meet a girl who's smart, beautiful...
...and has a real grudge against her parents.
- What are you gonna do then? - Don't worry, I have a plan.
- Really? - Yeah, if a girl falls in love with me...
...I'll tell her I can't marry till I have enough money, but I'll be secretly rich.
How do you plan to get secretly rich?
I'm gonna marry a movie star.
You're gonna marry a movie star to avoid getting married?
I guess I haven't worked out all the bugs.
Well, keep me posted.
Hey.
Jake sure changed in the last few months.
- I'm starting to see a real little man there. - Mm-hm.
Not a real bright little man.
- So, what you doing? - Making plans.
- Do they involve marrying a movie star? - What?
Nothing. Nothing. What's your plan?
Well, I figured I'd have a nice big lunch, get real drunk...
...stroll down to the beach and try to swim to Japan.
Oh.
Why the lunch?
I wanna cramp up and drown before the sharks rip me to shreds.
Well, keep me posted.
I'm a failure, Charlie.
Everything I've tried to do in my life has ended in complete, abject failure.
Buddy, you're looking at this the wrong way.
See, I've failed again.
Will you shut up and listen to me?
Failure is nothing to be ashamed of.
It's a part of life. It's how we learn.
Well, you know what?
I've failed for almost 40 years...
...and what have I learned?
Oh, that wasn't a rhetorical question?
Come on, Alan, you gotta have a sense of humor about this.
A broke-ass, middle-aged guy marries a 22-year-old knucklehead...
...just before he wins a half a million dollars?
And then she takes him for everything he's got? Heh.
That's hilarious.
Okay, okay. Okay, maybe you're too close to it now...
...but trust me, it's funny.
Mm...
Where are you going?
The ocean's that way.
The kid and I are going to the movies, you wanna come?
No, thanks.
- Can I get you something to eat? - No.
- Something to drink? - No.
How about a bottle of Scotch and a hooker?
I just wanna be alone.
Well, you don't need my help for that.
That's your home run swing.
Just close the door on the way out.
Fine, I'll close it. Then I'll nail it shut and plaster it over...
...and hang a picture of something a little more cheerful. Like a plane crash.
Okay.
I am through feeling sorry for myself.
Maybe not.
Alan?
Oh, terrific.
Charlie told me about you and Kandi. I'm so sorry.
Yeah, well, thanks.
Did he also tell you I wanna be alone?
Yes, he did.
So want some company?
- No. - How about a hug?
Is it a goodbye hug?
Alan, I know what it's like to lose at love.
- Rose? - Yes, baby?
You're a stalker.
We prefer to be called boundary challenged.
Just go away.
Go away? Ha.
Alan, I'm a stalker.
Trust me, this pain will pass.
The aching emptiness that's swallowing up your heart...
...will be transformed into something beautiful.
What's that?
Resentment.
A burning, white-hot resentment...
...that empowers you to commit unspeakable acts of revenge.
You're gonna want a scrapbook.
- Dad? - Yeah?
Uncle Charlie's gonna take me back to Mom's now.
Well, come in here and say goodbye.
Bye.
That's it? Come here and give your old dad a hug.
That's better.
You still depressed?
Oh, no, no. I'm fine.
Just taking a little nap.
You've been napping for two days.
I'm getting old, Jake.
Old people nap a lot.
It's kind of a dry run for death.
Okay.
Well, see you.
See you.
- Hey, Dad? - Yeah?
Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you...
...you don't have to worry about me.
Thanks, pal.
You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.
So is he still curled up like a cocktail shrimp?
Yep.
This was a real fun weekend.
Wait in the car, Jake, and I'll be right there.
Okay, I am running out of patience with this guy.
I've had relationships end and I don't go crawling into bed over it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what I mean.
- It may not be just the relationship. - What are you talking about?
Charlie, I've studied psychology for eight years and been a patient for 20.
Your brother is exhibiting all the classic signs of clinical depression.
What, you think he might try to hurt himself?
The important question is, do we stop him?
Oh, like I'm the only one here thinking that.
All right, I didn't wanna have to do this.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
- What are you gonna do? - Something I hoped I'd never have to.
- You don't mean- - I'm afraid so.
Hello?
Mom?
Oh, God, what plague have you set upon me now?
Alan, it's Mommy.
Good one.
Oh, my poor darling.
How are you holding up?
How do you think?
I blew another marriage.
I wasted all my money. I'm a complete and utter failure.
Oh, sweetie, you just can't see the big picture, can you?
What big picture?
Every foolish choice you've made, every wasted opportunity...
...every hapless misstep in your sad, misbegotten life-
I know, I know.
It's an opportunity to learn and grow.
Well, perhaps. But more importantly, it's a reflection on me.
Always good to see you, Mom.
- I'm not finished. - Of course not.
There is a silver lining in this dark cloud.
I can't wait to hear about it.
You're all alone, you're penniless and you have no prospects.
Are we at the silver-lining part yet?
Yes.
Short of contracting a flesh-eating disease, things couldn't get any worse.
You've hit rock bottom.
You have nowhere to go but up.
You know what?
You're right.
You're self-obsessed, insensitive and soul-sucking, but you're right.
I have stared into the abyss...
...and I'm still here.
I- I've had my heart shattered and then shattered again...
...and I'm still here.
I've taken every piece of crap that life could throw at me...
...and I'm still here.
Well, we don't have to turn this into An Evening with Liza Minnelli.
Now, get washed, get dressed...
- ...get on with your life. - Okay.
And remember, no matter what, I'll always love you.
- I know. Thanks. - Oh, don't thank me, sweetheart.
I'm your mother, I have to love you.
Hey.
- Hey. - Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.
No problem.
Sorry I had to send Mom in there.
No, no, you did the right thing.
I needed a good slap in the face.
Although with Mom, it's more like a nail gun to the testicles.
That was my thinking.
Well, I'm really grateful.
Don't mention it.
So...
...look at us, huh?
Just like old times. Ha.
Yep.
The Harper brothers, together again.
Uh-huh.
The chicks will come and go but you and I will always be there for each other.
Sure.
Forever.
Not literally till the end of time but, you know, till one of us dies.
It will probably be you because you don't take very good care of yourself.
Gotcha.
Fist me.
You want me to fist you?
You know, like the bros in the 'hood.
We're the bros and this is our 'hood.
Pow! Right on.
Tell you what, I will grab us a couple of brewskies...
...so that Team Harper can kick back and chill.
- Terrific. - Uh...
Well, actually, I am more in the mood for a chardonnay...
...but I'll get you a beer.
Okay.
Oh, uh, maybe I'll make a nice little plate of cheese and crackers.
Nothing fancy.
- Good. - Ooh.
Uh, I don't suppose you have any Brie.
I don't know.
Not important. You relax, I got you covered. Pow!