Oh, yeah. I am a finely tuned machine.
- Hello. - Are you a friend of Charlie's?
I'm his brother.
So, no.
- I'm Gabrielle. - Nice to meet you.
I'm Alan.
Or, as you would say, "Alan."
Why would I say that?
No reason. I'm a little dehydrated.
- So you are a cyclist. - A what?
A cyclist? You know, with your bicycle.
Yes, yes. I'm very passionate about...
..."bicycling."
I even have a stationary "cycle."
I also jog and ab-crunch...
...and, of course, les buns of steel.
- Nice, huh? - Nice? She's magnificent.
- You should see her naked. - Can I?
Well, I could show you some pictures...
...but you may not wanna see that much of me.
Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that?
And, more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed with you?
- You really wanna know? - Yeah. What's your secret?
Well, you see, Alan, it's like this:
I got a knack.
- That's not a secret. - Well, I didn't think so, but you asked.
- So that's it? You've got a knack? - Hey, everybody's good at something.
You, for instance...
...have no shame.
Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.
Alan, I just took a Tour de France.
And the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.
- Hi, Judith. Hey, buddy. - Hey.
What's the matter with him?
- His little girlfriend broke up with him. - Oh, no.
Yeah. I was hoping you could talk to him, because, let's face it...
...who knows more about getting dumped?
- Don't flatter me, Judith. I'll talk to him. - I'm sorry.
- That didn't come out the way I meant it. - Really? How did you mean it?
Couldn't you just take the "I'm sorry"?
Couldn't you have just loved me?
- Did I hear Numbnuts come in? - Numbnuts?
Sorry. Numbnuts Jr.
- Lf you mean my son, yes, he's here. - Crap.
- What are you doing? - Hiding my cookies.
- Why? - Because I just bought a new bag...
...and I don't want that knucklehead to eat them all.
Oh, Charlie. You hide your cookies from a little boy who loves you?
"Little boy," my ass. He's a bottomless pit.
And I'm tired of going for a snack and having to lick cookie dust out of the bag.
You might wanna take it easy on him.
- He's going through a breakup. - Really?
Yeah.
Nope. My cookies.
- So how was school this week? - Okay.
- Anything noteworthy happen? - No.
Thought you said he got dumped.
- I was easing into it. - Oh, good idea. Go ahead.
Jake, sooner or later, every guy gets dumped.
Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan?
Sorry. I should've eased into that.
My point is, you've got nothing to be embarrassed about.
I'm not embarrassed. I'm angry. She didn't even tell me why.
She just sent me an e-mail saying she doesn't wanna go out with me anymore.
Maybe she found somebody better.
What do you mean, better? Who's better than Jake?
Why, no one, Alan.
He's the pinnacle of male evolution.
Thank you.
Look, buddy, I know exactly how you feel.
When I was your age, I was dating a beautiful girl:
Charity Kirschenbaum. I was crazy about her.
Then, the night before junior prom, she called and dumped me.
Wouldn't even give me a reason. I was devastated.
- So, what'd you do? - What could I do?
How can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain From falling down?
- You done? - Unless you wanna hear "Jive Talkin'."
The thing is, Jake...
...that no matter how bad you feel now, eventually, it'll pass.
You just have to be willing to live with the pain.
- No, he doesn't. - Yes, he does.
Hang on, Dad. What do you mean, no, I don't?
When you get dumped, don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself.
You go out and find another girl, a better girl.
Okay, but how am I gonna get another girl?
I don't know how I got this one.
You don't know how you got a girlfriend?
No, it just kind of happened.
Yeah, I know how that goes.
Wake up in the morning, and there she is. Shut up. I know that was wrong.
Look, Jake, who is the cutest girl in your class?
- Nicole O'Malley. - Okay, call Nicole O'Malley...
...and ask her out. - You drunk?
A little.
But this is a secret that will serve you for the rest of your life:
The hotter the girl, the Ionelier she is...
...because most guys are too scared to talk to her.
- Really? - Really?
Trust me.
Why couldn't you have said this 20 years ago?
Come on, Dad. I wasn't even born 20 years ago.
I really shouldn't be giving him advice that could help him reproduce, should I?
Oh, it's just you.
Hey.
What are you doing?
I am drinking some of your finest Scotch and looking at my high-school yearbook.
Charity Kirschenbaum.
I can't help wondering how my life would've turned out...
...if she hadn't dumped me.
Come on, your life turned out great.
Well, it wouldn't have turned out any better.
You know what?
I'm gonna call her and find out why she broke my heart.
Good thinking.
Call your high-school girlfriend drunk at 2 in the morning.
While you're at it, why don't you expose yourself to an undercover policewoman?
Some people do that.
I need closure. I need to understand why she dumped me.
What's to understand?
This is her.
This is you.
Peaches-and-cream complexion.
You.
Cheerleader.
You.
Stop me any time.
I don't care. I got her number off the Internet, and I'm calling her.
Oh, man.
When are they gonna invent a phone with a Breathalyzer lock?
It's ringing.
Hello?
Hello? Is this Charity?
Hi, Charity. This is Alan Harper.
Yeah, yeah, from high school.
Anyway...
Yeah, I know it's late.
Yeah, I know I'm drunk.
Listen, I just need to ask you one question.
Why did you dump me on the night before junior prom?
Okay. Okay.
Okay, thanks. Go back to sleep.
She said, to ask my brother, Cha...
- rlie.
Oh, that's why.
Morning.
You found the stash, huh?
Wasn't well-hidden.
Okay, just for the record, that stuff's medicinal.
I've got glaucoma.
- What are you talking about? - Nothing.
- Morning. - Morning.
- So where'd you disappear to last night? - Me?
I decided to take a little drive...
...give you a chance to calm down about Charity Kirschenbaum.
- I'm perfectly calm. - Good.
Who's Charity Kirschenbaum?
It's just a little thing that's not worth getting upset about, and...
Hey, what the hell are you doing with my cookies?
- They're yours? - You know they're mine.
Oh, so you're saying I took something that belonged to you, and you're upset?
Oh, come on, Alan.
I loved Charity Kirschenbaum, and you stole her right out from under me.
He's speaking metaphorically, right?
Yeah. He was never on top of that.
- I would've been, if it weren't for you. - Okay, fine. I took your girl 20 years ago.
That calls for maybe five, six cookies, tops, not the whole damn bag.
I had to go to junior prom with cousin Phoebe.
- She was cute. - She was 12 and in a body cast.
Well, so what? She was your cousin.
She could've been 18 and in a cellophane bikini...
...and you weren't gonna get any.
You are a horrible human being, and I hope you burn in hell.
- So we're good? - No! We're not good!
We suck!
- Freshen that up for you? - Thanks.
You betrayed me!
I hate you!
I hate you! I hate you!
I hate you!
Sounds like he's going for a bike ride.
Hello? Nicole O'Malley?
Jake Harper here.
Harper. I sit next to you in geometry class.
No, the other side.
Yeah, with the big head.
I was wondering if you would go to the winter dance with me.
Really? Are you sure?
Well, great. I guess I'll see you at school. Bye.
- Uncle Charlie's a genius. - In a sense.
But there's book smart and "look smart."
- Would you get that, Berta? - What?
- The door. - I can't hear you.
- I said, would you get the door? - I can't. I'm upstairs.
Hi, Judith. Jake, your mom's here.
- Did you talk to him? - I did.
- Hey, Mom. - Hey, honey. How's it going?
- Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius. - Good, good.
- You said you talked to him. - I did.
- Then why is Uncle Charlie a genius? - Because he never got married.
Oh, that's gonna come back to bite me in the ass.
And here it comes, jaws a-snapping.
All right, I'm sorry.
Why are you sorry?
I just find it's easier that way.
Okay. Is Charlie at home?
Oh, no. He went out a couple of hours ago.
I've been trying to call him on his cell, but he doesn't answer.
- Well, please tell him I stopped by. - Sure thing.
Gabrielle?
Forgive me if I'm out of line...
...but I sense a Ioneliness inside you.
- Is it so obvious? - I'm right?
Oh, yes. But how could you know?
We're two of a kind.
I myself have tasted the saltiness of Ionely tears.
- We have much to share. - We do indeed. Come on in.
First his cookies, now his croissant.
Well, in my experience, I've found that the more beautiful the woman is...
...the Ionelier she is.
That's very true. How do you know so much about women?
What can I say? I have a knack.
- Hey. - Oh, hello, Charlie.
Gee, how embarrassing.
- What are you talking about? - Oh, dear. This is so difficult.
No, it's not. Go ahead, tell him. Tell him.
Charlie, you're a wonderful man, but your brother, he really understands me.
So, what are you saying?
It's just...
l...
- I can't. - I can. She's dumping you for me.
This is so awkward. I must go.
Please forgive me?
How does it feel?
- I'm stunned. - Good, good. What else?
- You snaked my girlfriend? - Yes, I did.
I snaked her. Like a cobra.
- And you did it just to hurt me? - Well, not just to hurt you.
Well, yeah, just to hurt you.
I don't know what to say.
- I'm crushed. - That's good. Say that. "I'm crushed."
My own brother purposefully set out to hurt me.
Oh, no. Oh, no. You're not taking this away from me.
What about you and Charity Kirschenbaum?
I was 17, Alan. I was a horny idiot. But you, you're an adult.
Okay. I see where you're going, and it's not gonna work.
You're not taking this away from me.
I really thought our relationship had grown beyond this petty crap.
I thought I could count on you.
I thought you were my friend.
Son of a bitch. He took it away from me.
Oh, hey. You're here.
Where am I gonna go, Alan?
- You took my girl. - And I feel awful about that.
- It doesn't matter. - It does matter. I made a terrible mistake.
I did the worst thing I could possibly do.
I lowered myself to your level.
You know what I mean. I love you. You're my brother.
- I wouldn't hurt you for the world. - Actions speak louder than words.
You're right. Okay. Here's an action.
You bought me a bag of cookies.
Sure, that should make up for stealing Gabrielle.
How about three bags?
And I'm breaking it off with her. You can have her back.
Have her back?
What is wrong with you? She's not a lawn mower you borrowed.
You can't just hose off the blades and give her back.
- But... But... - "But" nothing.
She dumped me because she likes you. So, what are you gonna say to her, Alan?
"I was just using you to punish Charlie for something that happened"?
I probably wouldn't use those words.
You can't ease your conscience about hurting me by hurting her.
So you're saying you want me to keep seeing her?
I'm saying I want you to do the right thing.
- And then you'll forgive me? - Yes, then I'll forgive you.
Well, okay.
For you, I'll keep seeing the gorgeous woman.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Okay, so, what's the catch? - Catch?
I don't know what you're talking about.
So are you sure everything's okay with Charlie?
Everything's great with Charlie. Charlie's fine. Forget Charlie.
Well, you know, like the song:
Okay.
I'm ready.
- Excuse me? - Go ahead.
Get it over with.
- I'm not sure I follow. - Do what you have to do.
Just hurry.
But don't you wanna start with some kissing...
...and, you know, foreplay?
No, thank you.
How about a smile?
Better?
Actually, worse.
Could you close your eyes again?
- Where are you going? - I have to brush my teeth.
The bathroom's that way.
Yeah, but my toothbrush is at home. Bye-bye.
- Hey. - Hey.
How'd it go with Gabrielle?
- I think you know how it went. - Yeah, I do.
It's kind of like necrophilia, isn't it?
- I didn't go through with it. - Really?
I guess we're different that way.
So I didn't really steal her from you, did I?
- Nope. - You were trying to get rid of her.
Yep. But I didn't wanna hurt her feelings. Thanks for helping me out with that.
Well, at least now we're even, right?
- Not quite. - What do you mean?
Charlie. Coming back to bed?
- Charity? Charity Kirschenbaum? - Oh, hi, Alan. Long time no see.
Yeah, 20 years.
She looks great, doesn't she?
- Come on, baby. - But...
Now we're even.
I hate you!