- Alan, I need to talk to you. - Okay.
- Alone. - Gotta be about sex.
Take a hike.
I'm 14. You're not protecting me anymore.
- Jake. - This is just a pathetic sham.
- So, what's up? - Okay, long story short.
- I've got a young woman upstairs. - Wow, I didn't see this one coming.
See her? I'm surprised you couldn't hear her.
She was like a cat in a fan belt.
Anyway, I need you to entertain her in my absence.
Entertain her? What did you have in mind?
A musical number from Sweeney Todd?
How young is she? Maybe a little peekaboo.
Right there. That's why no one likes you.
Just keep her occupied till I get back.
- Where are you going? - I have a date.
A date? It's 8:30 in the morning.
I know what time it is. I have a limited window of opportunity here.
Her husband's playing nine holes, so I thought...
...I'd try and play a couple myself.
Then why don't you just send the other girl home?
I'll be back by noon. What am I supposed to do the rest of the day?
Okay, okay.
I'm gonna say something now, because, well, I think it needs to be said.
- What? - You're a severely damaged human being.
Hey, I'd love to stay and chitchat with you...
...but I've got a golf widow marinating in Brentwood.
Wait, wait. What am I supposed to tell the girl upstairs?
I don't know. Tell her I went out to give blood.
That way, if I come back a little weak, I've got a good excuse.
So you want me to just lie to her?
It's up to you. You could tell her the truth.
But then you'd have to pack up all your crap and move into the lifeguard station.
Why do you gotta do that?
Why is it always "my way or the highway"?
"Obey my commands or you're out."
Then again, if the system works, why mess with it?
Boy, they left the faucet on a long time when they poured those legs.
I don't believe it. Another one.
Oh, hey, Alan.
- Who's the blond? - Don't know.
Found her on the beach.
Like homeless?
Not tonight.
You realize that's three in one day.
Depends how you count. I make it out to be seven.
Or eight.
I should carry a clicker.
Oh, Charlie, even for you, this is ridiculous.
Hey, one man's ridiculous is another man's "yabba dabba doo."
"I should carry a clicker."
By the way, I'm Charlie.
- I'm Gretchen. - I like that. Gretchen.
It's got a built-in:
Upstairs on the right.
- Make yourself comfortable. - Okay.
- Charlie Harper? - Yeah?
Keep your hands off my wife.
Yes, sir. No problem.
God, Charlie, are you okay?
No, I'm not okay. I just got punched in the face.
Help me up.
That was an angry husband, wasn't it?
Well, you can't really blame him.
From now on, he's gonna have to take his wife golfing with him.
Wait a second. You're still going upstairs?
Why not? It wasn't her husband.
But you're bleeding.
Did you see that girl?
I'd be climbing these stairs if I was just a head and a spine.
Berta, have you noticed anything different about Charlie lately?
- What did you mean? - Well, he's always been promiscuous...
...but I'm starting to think I should hide my bowling ball.
I know what you're saying.
I'm having to change his sheets so often...
...I'm thinking about putting them on a roller.
Have you seen him act this way before?
Well, when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die.
Know how they say if your erection lasts for more than four hours...
...you should call your doctor?
He'd just call another girl.
For a while there, he had to stand on his head to take a leak.
- Morning. - Morning.
Rough night in Hump Junction?
No, it was good.
I just had a little accident.
I tried to pick my lady friend up and put her on the bureau...
...and now I can't find one of my testicles.
Oh, Charlie.
I don't think I really lost it.
It's kind of like your keys.
Even if you can't put your hands on them...
...you know they gotta be somewhere.
That is something you do not wanna find in the vacuum bag.
You know, I'm really starting to worry about him.
I feel like I should do something.
The way he's been acting, if I were you...
...I'd start sleeping on my back wearing a catcher's mask.
Good news. I found it.
It's always the last place you look.
- You sure you're up for this? - I'm fine.
Just a little tender in the giblets.
Yeah, you're fine.
Two beers, please.
Oh, yeah, much better.
- What are you doing? - What do you think I'm doing?
Scouting the talent.
Are you out of your mind?
What's your pickup line?
"Wanna come back to my place and help me look for my balls?"
It was one ball, and I found it.
Charlie, don't you think you need to slow down a bit?
Why would I wanna do that?
Oh, come on.
Is this lifestyle actually making you happy?
Let me answer that question with another question.
Who would you rather be? You or me?
You're kidding, right?
You have two black eyes and you're perched on a scrotum cozy.
You.
- Hi. - Hey there.
Oh, sweet Lord.
Can I buy you a drink?
If you want to.
Well, I'd like to buy you an airplane, but let's start with the drink.
- I'm Charlie. - Pepper.
Oh, my favorite condiment.
- It's a spice. - Shut up.
So, Charlie...
No kidding.
Well, then...
All right, you're under arrest for solicitation.
Stand up, put your hands behind your back and spread your legs.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to choose one.
Now will you admit you've got a problem?
Hey, that was entrapment.
I'm the victim here.
If she wasn't a cop, what did you think you were gonna do with her?
I really don't know.
Charlie, don't you see what's happening to you?
Nothing's happening, except I offered to buy a policewoman a $500 martini.
Well, then there's no point in my talking to you anymore.
All right. Then something good came of this.
You stay away from my girlfriend.
You're gonna have to be more specific.
Son of a bitch.
So, Charlie, what's been going on?
Well...
...I've got a new career.
As a crash-test dummy?
Writing songs for little kids.
- Really? - Yeah.
Turns out immature minds respond to me.
Sounds about right.
Let's see. What else?
My mom's getting married. Nice guy.
- Good for her. - Yeah, yeah.
- My brother still lives with me. - Sure.
We knew he wasn't going anywhere.
Let's see.
My nephew's growing like a weed.
My ex-fiancée's getting married. I've been dating. Nothing serious.
And as you can see, I've had a couple of mishaps.
Well, except for the facial lacerations and the rectal doughnut...
...hardly noticeable.
It's actually a testicular doughnut.
- What's the difference? - About that much.
Well, that's disturbing.
Let's circle back to the ex-fiancée.
- What was her name? - Mia.
Mia. How do you feel about Mia getting married and moving on with her life?
I feel fine about it. I'm happy for her.
No remorse, no regrets?
Not really. It's been a long time.
Okay.
So when did you learn about her upcoming nuptials?
I don't know. A couple of weeks ago.
Yep, two weeks.
You carry the announcement around with you?
- Yeah. Why? - No reason.
And you say you've been dating a lot.
- A little more than usual. - When did that new pattern start?
Gee, I don't know. It's gotta be a couple of weeks now.
- What? - Oh, come on, Charlie.
Just because I get paid by the hour doesn't mean this should take forever.
It's pretty clear that the news about this woman getting married...
...has hurt you, and you're acting out.
Man, you shrinks wanna bring everything back to feelings, don't you?
Think it has anything to do with your toilet training?
- No. - Then I guess we're stuck with feelings.
Now, when you read that announcement, how did you feel?
I don't know. How you feel when the woman you were once in love with...
...is getting married to another guy. - Describe it.
- Describe it? - Just for fun.
It's hard to say exactly.
I guess it's kind of like...
...a trapdoor opens up under your feet and you're falling.
And at the same time, there's this enormous pressure on your chest...
...like a big animal, maybe a possum or a raccoon...
...is sitting on it.
And you can't catch your breath.
Possum or a raccoon.
- Lf you're writing it down, say raccoon. - Will do.
I don't know why I said possum.
It's okay.
Do you think it's possible that this feeling of falling...
...and the raccoon on your chest is a physical manifestation...
...of unexpressed grief?
- Grief? - You know, sadness.
How do you read sadness into that?
Look, Charlie, you're a smart guy.
Emotionally:
But you gotta see what's going on here.
You're using this series of meaningless sexual liaisons...
...to run away from your feelings about losing this woman.
No, no, I'm sorry. I don't see it.
Let's keep looking.
What about my mom getting married? That can upset a fella, right?
Make him go all ancient Greek and poke his eyes out?
Oh, come on, Charlie, you loved this woman.
And I'd say you still love her.
And deep down, maybe you were hoping someday you'd get back together.
And the only reason you're not sitting here weeping...
...is because it's too painful for you.
I'm sorry. I just can't see it.
You can't see it because your penis is in the way.
Thank you.
Not a compliment, Charlie.
Says you.
Look, you have a very simple choice here.
You can honestly confront these emotions...
...and learn the lessons they bring...
...or you can drive yourself into an early grave with indiscriminate sex.
Define "early."
What are you doing?
I'm trying to feel my feelings.
Really?
- How's it going? - Not well.
See? Nothing, no grief.
What exactly are you trying to grieve over?
Well, Mia's getting married...
Wait, wait, wait. Mia?
- The one you were gonna marry? - Yeah.
And my shrink thinks I'm pretty upset about it.
Do you think you're upset about it?
I don't know.
- I really did love her. - I know you did.
Yeah.
I remember this one time...
...we were driving to Santa Barbara for the weekend...
...and she just smiled at me.
And I thought:
"Man, I could spend the rest of my life with this woman, no problem."
And then...
Then I lost her.
And I don't think I'm gonna find anybody like her again.
What the hell is going on, Alan?
This is good. This is good. You're finally starting to feel your grief.
And once you really feel it and accept it...
...you can get on with your life without Mia.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Let it out.
No, this is crap.
Where are you going?
I just realized...
...I won't have to feel my feelings and live without Mia if I just go get her back.
- That's your solution? - Yeah... right?
Indeed.
Forgot my doughnut.
You laugh, but it really does help.
Bride? Seen the bride?
- I got a delivery for the bride. - I think she's in there.
Thanks. Here you go.
You look so beautiful.
You are so lucky.
- Hey. - Charlie.
What are you doing here?
- I came to get you back. - Are you out of your mind?
No, no. I got the idea from my shrink.
Could you ladies give us a minute?
- Okay. One minute. - Thanks.
How are you? Looking good.
Don't worry, your big day will come.
Charlie, I'm getting married in an hour.
- So I'm not too late. - Oh, you are so too late.
Just hear me out.
Oh, my God, what happened to you?
No big deal.
I just yanked a kid out of the way of a speeding bus.
Got clipped by the side mirror.
Okay, that's a bunch of crap.
But this is the truth.
Mia, I have never felt about any woman like I feel about you.
And the thought of you marrying some other guy is...
It's breaking my heart.
So I'm just going for broke here.
Mia, I love you.
I will always love you, and I want you to marry me.
Honey, the photographer wants to...
- What's going on? - Daddy, I told you about Charlie Harper.
- Remember? - Oh, good. I'm glad you're here, sir.
I'd like to ask you for your...
How much did you tell him?
Thanks.
- You need some more ice for your jaw? - No.
- Your nose? - No.
How about the chestnuts?
- Resting comfortably. Thanks. - Okay. Well, try to get some sleep.
- Alan? - Yeah?
I learned something about myself.
That you're a bleeder?
I learned why I screw around so much.
- Really? - Yep.
I think I've spent my whole life...
...trying to fill the empty space in myself by, you know...
Filling the empty space in others.
Exactly.
That's quite an insight.
Well, I'm deep in therapy now.
You went for one hour, Charlie.
Fifty minutes. It's kind of a racket.
But the point is, I've hit bottom.
I can't keep going like this.
- It's time for me to grow up. - I agree.
So, what are you gonna do?
Well, I thought I'd find some chick with a big heart and a tiny ass...
...and marry her.
Maybe that girl from the beach. She seemed nice.
- You're going to get married? - Yep.
Settle down, have a couple of kids and ship the penis up to Cooperstown.
Cooperstown?
It is my bat.
Well, sounds like you've got everything figured out.
You don't ever figure this stuff out, Alan.
You just take little baby steps on a lifelong path to becoming a better man.
How many pain pills have you taken?
Nine.
Good night.
Might not be a bad idea to check on me in an hour or so.
- Make sure I'm still breathing. - I always do.
Mia.
My balls.