He can type 80 words a minute with his thumb...
but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.
Well, fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.
Oh, dude, WTF?
- Oh, jeez. - What?
That woman over there, we used to go out.
Did it not end well?
Hey, it went fine for me.
Although, in retrospect...
I guess I could've handled our parting, uh, with a little more tact and sensitivity...
and a little less, you know, banging her best friend.
Oh, God.
Hey, the friend was a double-jointed sex freak with daddy issues.
What was I supposed to do?
- You're right, your hands were tied. - That too.
So how long ago was this?
Her or the friend? Because there was a brief overlap.
Let's go with her.
- I don't know, eight, nine years. - Hmm, so maybe she's over it.
Or maybe not.
Here's the plan. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. You count to 10...
then scream like a girl and start giving Jake the Heimlich maneuver.
Don't be ridiculous.
- Charlie? - Hi.
Okay. If she reaches into her purse, I'm using numbnuts as a human shield.
- Hey. Chrissy, long time. - I know.
- Yep, long, long time. CHRISSY: Yeah.
- Time is a great healer, isn't it? - Of some things.
- Hey, congratulations on your new career. - Thank you.
It's hard to believe Charlie Harper is a children's singing star.
Well, you know how much I love kid... Yep, long, long time.
Uh, looks like your little guy enjoys music.
Oh, yeah, he loves it. He's actually quite the piano player too.
Piano? You, uh-? You hear that, Charlie?
- Young man plays piano just like you. - Lots of kids play piano.
So you still living in Westwood?
Yeah. We just drove down to spend the day at the beach.
Oh, sure, the beach. Heh.
Nice place to visit, but you wouldn't wanna live there.
- Actually, I do live there. It's not that bad. - Right.
Well, we should get going. It was nice seeing you.
- Nice to see you too. - Come on, Chuck.
- Chuck. - I heard it. Ahem.
Lots of kids named Chuck.
- It's a nickname for Charles, isn't it? - So are Chaz, Chad, Chick, and Charlie.
- What's your point? - No point.
It's just that you haven't seen that woman in nine years, and little Chuck is, uh...
Well, how old do you suppose little Chuck is?
What difference does it make?
Well, I'd say little Chuck is, uh, hmm...
7 or 8 years old, give or take nine months.
What? I don't know what you're talking about.
- You don't? - Okay, I choose not to.
Oh, crap. Quick, Dad, we gotta go home.
- Why? What's wrong? - My battery died.
Oh, no, wait. I just turned it off by accident.
This wouldn't happen if I had a Smartphone.
Do I even need to say it?
So is it just me or did that kid kind of look like Uncle Charlie?
- Hey. - Hey.
Shut up, Alan.
It's not funny.
Well, maybe not funny, ha, ha, but certainly funny:
- That boy was nothing like me. - He doesn't have ear hair...
and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.
What's going on?
Well, it would appear that the old sperminator here...
has fathered a child.
- I did not. - How can you be so sure?
Because I never play in the rain without a slicker and galoshes.
I'm confused. Where do the galoshes go?
It's just a figure of speech. Everything that needs to be covered...
is covered, when, you know, covering is appropriate.
I didn't ask for your life story. I was just confused about the galoshes.
You know, Charlie, even condoms are only 98-percent effective.
- That's not true. - The hell it isn't.
- Haven't you ever read the package? - Who reads the package?
It's not like a cereal box.
You don't read it while you're eating.
Yikes.
You haven't seen the woman in nine years, and she's got an 8-year-old.
So? You showed up at my door with a 10-year-old...
and I hadn't seen you in 11 years.
Does that mean Taterhead is our love child?
Yeah, fine, stay in denial. There's no way little Chuck is your son.
- Chuck? - Hey, hey.
Lots of kids are named Chuck, play the piano...
and look disturbingly like me.
He's right.
In fact, I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in them.
- Hey, Russell? - I'm busy.
I got a question about these condoms.
Look, I told you, Charlie, I'm giving you the best bulk rate I can.
I know, but that's not what I was-
There's no way I can compete with the chain stores.
- I understand. - So I make it up in personal service.
- I'm sure you do. - I'm not gonna unroll the damn things...
and put them on for you, but short of that, I've got your back.
And I appreciate it. But that's not what I was asking about.
Charlie, times are tough. People don't get their drugs...
from their neighborhood pharmacist anymore. They go on the Internet.
- I know. - Yeah, sure, trust your mailman...
with your heart medicine and stool softeners.
Russell, have you been hitting the free samples again?
What are you, a cop?
No. I'm just a little concerned about you.
Well, if you're so concerned, help me out a little bit.
Why don't you buy some reading glasses or a neck brace once in a while?
- Sure, whatever. - A bag of Skittles, for God's sake.
You know, because my margin on condoms is bubkes.
Yeah. Well, speaking of condoms, I just wanna know...
if somebody could get pregnant even if you were wearing a condom.
Have you been talking to the Wetzel's pretzels lady?
Because I just gave her a ride home, that's it.
No, no, no. I mean in general. What are the odds that a condom wouldn't work?
Well, there are a number of things to factor in.
Ah.
- Oh, cough syrup? - I don't have a cough.
Neither do I.
Anyway, condoms. Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product...
there's always gonna be flaws in the process.
Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?
- Well, sure, but they don't test every one. - They don't?
Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?
Okay. Okay, so bottom line, what you're saying is...
even if I'm wearing a condom, there's a chance I could get someone pregnant?
Did you miss eighth-grade health class, Charlie?
Oh, come on, who went to health class?
Well, amongst others, a certain self-medicating pharmacist...
who pays alimony to three different women...
but not one penny in child support.
All right. All right. For future reference, what about lambskin?
Are they more effective?
Well, um, less so than your latex product.
Now, I had to stop wearing them myself...
because something about the smell made my cat go berserk, ha, ha.
- It's kind of a cute story. She was- - I don't wanna hear it.
Not a cat person, huh?
I'm not either anymore.
All right, well, thanks, Russell. I'll see you.
That's it? You're not gonna buy anything? I mean, we got some Wiffle-ball bats.
Maybe your little bastard would like a Wiffle-ball bat.
Childproof cap.
- Hey. - Hey.
Are you all right?
- No, I am not. - What's going on?
Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles.
One: If at all possible, ladies first.
Two: It's easier to be forgiven than ask permission.
And third and most important:
The 10 seconds it takes to put on a condom...
beats the hell out of the 10 years you have to pretend to like soccer.
Except when they don't work.
Stupid tiny disclaimer on the side of the box.
They should put it in big letters right on the reservoir tip.
"Do you feel lucky, dumb-ass?"
Yeah, that'd do it. So, uh, what's your next move?
Well, you'd think if Chrissy had my child and decided not to tell me...
I'd just send her a little card: "Thanks for being a good sport," or something.
I'm not sure Hallmark has a "deadbeat dad" section.
It doesn't matter. For some reason, I wanna know the truth.
If I have a kid, I need to know about it.
Of course you do. Being a father is the greatest joy there is.
Hey, Dad, where's the plunger?
- Uh, laundry room. - Thanks. I over-wiped.
No such thing, my son.
- Where was I? - The joys of fatherhood.
Right.
What? There was a time when he didn't wipe at all.
Hey, I'm gonna need a mop too.
Excuse me. Father-son moment.
Daddy's home!
Hurry, hurry.
- Hey, Jake? - Don't worry, it's all cleaned up.
- Not why I'm here. I- - You can hardly smell it at all anymore.
Don't kid yourself.
Although, I may owe you a toilet.
I'll put it on your tab.
Now, I wanna ask you a question.
Crumb cake, a Frappuccino and a burrito supreme.
That's not the question.
Oh, yeah, and a tangerine. That's what killed me.
Are you done?
I hope so, because the toilet won't flush anymore.
What I wanted to ask you is, do you think I've been a good role model?
Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble.
You have different women here practically every night.
You're the best role model a guy could want.
- You think so? - Yeah. They should put your face on money.
Well, thanks, buddy. I appreciate it.
Oh, hey, one more question.
- How would you feel about having a cousin? - I've got a cousin.
- I mean, another cousin. - What do I need another cousin for?
Ahh, forget it.
What I need is a Smartphone and a new toilet.
Cousin.
- Charlie. - Hi.
What are you doing here?
Well, I was in the neighborhood. I thought I'd stop by and say hello...
and bring you this.
- A Wiffle-ball bat? - That's for Chuck.
I got you an eyeglass repair kit and some malted milk balls.
- Thanks. - I know it's not much of a gift.
But the guy that usually sells roses at the freeway on-ramp switched to oranges...
and I didn't know if you liked oranges. So, anyway, is Chuck my kid?
- What difference does it make? - All the difference.
- How? - Well, for starters...
I'm gonna write a scathing letter to a certain manufacturer of latex products.
But more importantly, if I'm his dad, he should know.
He's already got a dad.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
We may not live together anymore, and he may not have your kind of money...
but he's a good dad, and he loves Chuck very much.
So you're just raising him on your own?
Charlie, you don't have to worry about him.
He's gotten along fine without you for eight years, and so have I.
Wait, Chrissy-
I didn't know.
Boy, you miss one health class...
- So, Jake, how do you like high school? - I'm in eighth grade.
Oh, I see.
When do you start high school?
Hard to say. Eighth grade's really kicking my ass.
- Jake, language. - Yeah, language, math.
- Science, history, phys ed. - Yeah, I understand, dear.
Can't even find my locker.
All right, I talked to her. You owe me 5 bucks.
He's a good wiper, and I love him.
Hey, Alan, I just spoke-Aw, jeez.
Good to see you too, dear.
- What's going on, Mom? - Nothing.
I merely stop in to see my two sons and my one and only grandchild.
Well, it's-
So, Mom, you're looking good.
Did you have something snipped or tucked or sucked?
Just eyes and tush, but nice of you to notice.
Hey, Charlie, did you ever find out if that kid is yours?
- Thanks a lot, Berta. - Oh, dear, have I spoken out of turn?
- Kid? - Yeah.
Well, it-It turns out that there are flaws in every manufacturing process...
and that includes your everyday latex products.
I see. And how far along is the young lady?
Oh, about eight years.
Eight years, and she's just suing you now?
She's not suing me. She doesn't wanna have anything to do with me.
Lucky you. If I were her, I'd have owned half this house...
before the pee stick dried.
Yeah, real lucky. I've got an 8-year-old son, and I'll never get to spend time with him.
Oh, sweetheart, take it from me...
spending time with one's children is greatly overrated.
Oh, come on, face facts.
Some people are meant to be parents, and some people aren't.
You have a perfect example of that right in front of you.
You certainly do.
Yeah, well, I think I'd be a great dad.
Well, easy for you to say now that you've dodged the bullet.
You're right, talk is cheap.
Remind me to speak to him about putting this house in my name...
so it can never fall into the hands of some money-hungry, manipulative bitch.
That isn't related to him.
What do you want now, Charlie?
Look, I can see why you might not think of me as father material.
And clearly you've done a great job raising Chuck on your own.
I'd just like, if you'd let me, to help out a little bit.
Oh.
- This is more than a little bit. - Hey, eight years is a long time.
What do you want out of this?
I just wanna know that he's taken care of.
And I plan on sending you a check every month.
I don't know what to say.
You don't have to worry about me interfering.
Although, there's a couple things you should know for when he gets older.
Like what?
Well, you're gonna wanna lock the liquor cabinet.
But don't forget that mouthwash can also pack a pretty good buzz.
So be on guard for suspiciously minty breath.
Oh, and if his school nurse is at all attractive...
you can expect the occasional "hernia."
- Thanks for the heads-up. - You're welcome.
So, uh...
good luck.
You're gonna need it.
Oh, hey.
Jeremy, your mom's here.
- Hey, Mom. - Hi, honey.
- Hey, where'd you get that shirt? - Oh, I got it for him. I hope that's okay.
I love it. He looks like a little ladies' man.
So, uh, is this time next week okay for you?
Actually, I think my babysitting days are behind me. Ciao.
I'm really glad you're accepting responsibility, Charlie.
- Thank you. - It's a great feeling...
knowing you're taking care of your own kid.
- Oh, hey, Mr. Harper. - Hey, Clive. How's it going?
Great. All right, Mrs. Melnick, that should hold you for a while.
- Hey, dude. - Hey, dude.
Thanks, Clive. You're the best.
Come on in, honey.
- Thanks, Alan. - Bye, buddy.
Who was that guy?
Oh, that's Clive, the exterminator. He's been coming here forever.
- Oh, hey, Alan. - Hmm?
- Has it ever occurred to you-? - Hey, Mr. Harper.
Hey, Craig.
Has what ever occurred to me?
Nothing.
Hey, Mr. H. Long time no see.