Let's see. Sperm meets egg here.
Um, 30 days has September. All the rest have 31.
Except for Judith, who has 28.
Hey, Alan. Meet Don.
- Hello, Don. - Hello, Alan.
Don drove me home and I don't have any money.
Okay. Uh, is Don a cabbie?
No. No. Don is a close personal friend.
Don is a cabbie, he has enough friends...
and he wants his $80.
- What happened to your money? - Good question.
You know how easy Texas Hold'em looks on TV...
when you can see the other guys' hole cards?
- Yeah. - Very different in real life.
Uh, 20, 40, 60, 80.
No tip?
Hold on.
Let me see. Five dollar-
Keep you money, Mr. Trump. You need it more than I do.
Are we still on for lunch?
I think you offended Don.
He'll get over it. Where's your car?
Don't change the subject. You owe Don an apology.
- Oh, hey, a calendar. - Yeah.
- What's "JMC" stand for? - Nothing.
Oh, come on. John Mellencamp Cougar?
No.
Jumping Methodist Cougar?
- No. - Then I give up.
Well, if you must know, it stands for "Judith's menstrual cycle."
- Get out. - No, look.
This is when Judith and Herb broke up.
And this is the day that I had sex with her.
Dude, you need a better hobby.
Judith is now five months pregnant.
Oh, yeah, right.
She's probably in that sweet spot where her boobs are big and cushy...
but her ass is still normal.
Charlie, it is almost certain that I am the father of Judith's baby.
Are you still grinding on this?
What if it's a girl? I always wanted a daughter.
I finally get one and some other guy gets to be her dad.
I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.
Wow, I lost $8000 playing poker...
have no idea where my car is...
threw up in my mouth three times...
and I'm still having a better night than you are.
I don't expect you to understand.
You don't know the joy of being a parent.
Of watching a part of you grow and develop...
blooming into a fully-formed human being.
Four times.
- Hi. - Hi.
Jake, your father's here.
- So how you doing? - Good.
- Over the morning sickness? - Yes, Alan.
Uh, by my calculations probably about a week, 10 days ago.
- That sounds right. - Good, good.
You have a nice break till the, uh, old hemorrhoids come a-calling.
Jake!
Judith, are we gonna talk about the elephant in the room?
- What elephant? - Come on, you, me, the baby?
- We did have unprotected sex when- - You shut your mouth. We did not.
- Yes, we did. - Read my lips. We did not have sex.
- Oh, hey, Alan. How goes it? - Oh, uh, fine, Herb.
- How you doing? - Proud as a peacock.
- Honey, did you show him the sonogram? - No.
Oh, you should see her, Alan.
Her? So it is a girl?
Yep. One fresh-faced little fetus sans wee-wee.
I always wanted a "sans wee-wee."
Well, you can't have mine.
No, no, of course not.
- Hey, wanna see the nursery? - He doesn't wanna see the nursery.
Sure. You going with mermaids? Girls love mermaids.
Oh, actually, I was thinking little ponies.
- Little ponies? - Yeah. Why?
Oh, gosh. Little ponies have little penises.
Really? I didn't notice that on the stencils.
Let's go take a look.
- I'm ready. - Oh, uh, I'll be right back.
I'm just gonna go see the baby's room.
- He never wants to see my room. - That's because your room is a pig sty.
I didn't ask for a reason.
Alan, buddy, I'm getting a little concerned about your drinking.
I don't have a problem.
Well, I do. You're swilling my good stuff.
Here.
Have some Old Walmart.
Thank you.
What's this?
Uh, a diary I kept during Judith's pregnancy.
"Jennifer, Jocelyn, Jasmine, Jolene"?
Some of the names that we picked out in case Jake had been a girl.
Oh, man. Can you imagine him as a chick?
Woof.
Yeah, well, that's not how it turned out.
Think about it, though.
Every weekend, me, you and a big ugly girl with a bad haircut.
- I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie. - Okay, okay.
First of all, you don't know it's your kid.
All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith.
Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith.
So the only thing we know for sure is that, despite all outward appearances...
Judith is a slut.
Hey, I'm aware that technically either one of us could be the father...
but I know in my gut that this is my sweet bastard child.
You don't know squat.
You wanna talk technically?
Technically, maybe neither one of you is the father.
Oh, dear God, Charlie. What have you done?
Not me, you fool. Although if I'd known she was that easy, maybe-
Stop.
I'm saying is there could very well be some guy in her driveway...
with a leaf blower pining away for baby Juanita.
That's just ridiculous. Judith won't even eat Mexican food.
Look, look.
Even if you're right, doing anything about it is just gonna destroy a marriage.
I know. I know. It's just so hard to ignore my paternal instincts.
Sure, I see those instincts with Jake and I admire them.
I would've dropped him off at an orphanage...
with 20 bucks and a bag of doughnuts.
No, you wouldn't. He was adorable when he was a baby.
Baby? I'm talking about last week.
I walked into his room, he was trying to bite his toenails.
Let's be honest, that's monkey behavior.
My son is not a monkey.
My point here is forget the baby. You've already got a kid to raise.
Yeah, I guess.
Hi.
He's not a monkey.
- Did a good job upfront and he had a ton of-
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
- I don't wanna watch football. - Nobody cares what you wanna watch.
Why do you get to decide everything?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because I bought everything around here.
Oh, right, play the money card. That's all you got.
That's all I need. Now shut up.
No, you shut up.
All right, I'm gonna count to three and then I'm gonna kick your ass.
Ooh, I'm scared.
One.
- Two. - I'm only leaving because I'm bored.
He keeps growing, I'm screwed.
Hey, uh, you wanna hear what I wrote the night you were born?
Not really.
Oh, come on. Come on, uh, sit down. You'll like it.
It's kind of a poem, heh. Um...
My son, my son, my only one
You open my heart like the morning sun
Your tiny face, your tiny hand
Never have I felt a love so grand
Gay.
What do you know about poetry, you monkey?
Oh, hey, Herb.
Thought I'd stop by and see if you need any help with the baby's room.
- Thanks. I'm painting today. - Oh, great.
Just call me Vincent van Gogh-ing to help you.
Funnier in my head. Let's go.
Oh, look who stopped by to help paint the baby's room.
- Surprise. - Herb doesn't need any help, Alan.
- Yes, I do. - Yes, he does.
Come on, I'm just gonna start on the unicorn stencils.
Unicorns? Oh, Herb, that's just a pony with a strap-on.
I know, tell me about it.
It's like nine kinds of suck in an eight-suck bag.
- Hey, Jake? - Gotta go.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Yeah, well, you should have thought of that before you barged in.
Yeah.
The reason I barged in...
was to apologize for threatening to kick your ass.
I wouldn't really do that.
You couldn't really do that.
Anyway, I was thinking about ordering a pizza. You interested?
No, thanks.
Maybe you didn't hear me. Pizza.
Dough, sauce, cheese, grease, meat. I've seen you lick the box.
I'm not hungry.
- Okay, what the hell's wrong with you? - Nothing.
Fine. Be that way.
I know what's going on here.
You're bent out of shape because your mom's having a baby.
- No, I'm not. - It's okay. Nothing to be ashamed of.
In fact, I know exactly how you feel. My mom's second child ruined my life.
- That's my dad. - Uh-huh.
But listen, it wasn't all bad.
When babies grow up a little, you can have fun with them.
You know, pee in their canteen, teach them to stutter.
The down side is they're so damaged...
later on they move into your guest room with their kid and never leave.
Not that I don't love having you here.
You're a delight.
- I'm fine with the baby. - Really?
I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Well, that's a novel approach.
So if it's not the baby, then why have you been such a dillweed lately?
- None of your business. - So it's a girl.
- Just get out of my room. - Make me.
God, you're such a child.
Oh, yeah, it's a girl.
- Hmm. Jolene. - Yeah.
Jolene Melnick.
- Nope, I don't think so. - Why not? You could call her Jo or Josie.
Kind of wanted to name her after my grandma Mildred.
- Mildred Melnick? - Yeah. We could call her Mil or Millie.
I'm sorry, Herb.
With a name like Mildred you might as well call her Staff Sergeant Melnick.
- Herb, can you get the cookies for me? - Oh, sure.
We, uh, keep them on the top shelf of the pantry. You know, Jake.
Yeah. Charlie keeps his fudge nuggets in the trunk of his car.
Thank you, dear.
What are you doing here?
I'm helping my friend. Helping you.
If not for me, our little girl would be surrounded by metaphorical pony peni.
Our little girl? I don't know what you imagine happened between you and me...
but if you say anything to Herb, I'll put a gun in your mouth...
and paint these walls with your brains.
I think we settled on mermaids.
Cookie for my cookie?
Oh, yum. Thank you.
- Wow, pregnancy's a wild ride, huh? - Ugh.
One minute she's loving and affectionate and the next minute she's, well-
Cruel? Vengeful? Castrating?
I was gonna say "moody."
Wait for it.
Of course I wanna go to the party.
Because my stupid uncle won't let me.
I don't know, because he's old and clueless.
No, I can't sneak out. I gotta be here to change his adult diapers.
Otherwise, he just sits in his own filth.
I know, it's really gross.
- Hi there. - Gotta go.
You're not supposed to listen to my private conversations.
You're not supposed to tell people I crap my pants.
Okay, whatever.
What's the deal with this party I'm supposedly not letting you go to...
like I give a rat's ass about your social life.
Just leave me alone.
You know that's not gonna happen. Come on, you can trust me.
You told me "Never trust a guy who says 'Trust me. "'
Did you trust me when I told you that?
Um, I'm confused.
Now tell me why you don't wanna go to this party.
- I can't tell you. It's embarrassing. - Okay, okay.
How about I tell you something embarrassing about myself first?
Like what?
Well, let's see.
All right.
About 15 years ago, I was in Bangkok.
- What? - Bangkok.
- It's a real place, you nimrod. - Still funny, though.
Anyway, I was in this bar and I met this beautiful woman...
and I was a little drunk and I didn't notice the Adam's apple.
But later that night-
Well, believe me, I was really embarrassed.
Girls don't have Adam's apples.
Oh, dude. You are such a 'mo.
- No, no, no. We just kissed. - Aw, that's even worse.
- All right. I shared, now you share. - You didn't have to share that.
A fart in the lunch line would've made your point.
I get it. I'm sorry. Now talk.
Okay.
Well, there's this girl I kind of like and she's gonna be at the party tonight.
Uh-huh.
And she said she wants to hook up with me.
And you're nervous.
Well, she's gone out with a ninth grader and she's done stuff.
Okay, I get it.
You've got yourself an experienced older woman who knows more.
Everybody knows more than me.
You should hear the things my friends have done.
- Oh, please. How old are your friends? - Same age as me.
- How old are you? - Fourteen.
Hmm, horrible age.
All right, first of all...
whenever 14-year-old boys talk about sex, they're lying.
But for a guy like you, the truth can be a powerful tool.
- What? - Powerful tool.
Stay with me, Jake.
How about a powerful tool in Bangkok?
Jake, what I'm trying to tell you here is that the truth can work for you.
That I don't know what I'm doing?
Yep, play to your strengths. Which in your case is ignorance.
Here, I'll show you.
You gently cup her face in your hands, look her in the eye and tell her:
"I'm new at this and I'm trusting you to be patient with me."
You're kidding.
Nope. Girls eat that crap up.
And I'll tell you something else, that line will work for you all through college.
Or in your case, your second hitch in the Navy.
Go get dressed and I'll take you to that party.
- Thanks, Uncle Charlie. - No problem, buddy.
Still didn't need to hear that Bangkok story.
I'm sorry.
It's gonna give me nightmares.
Welcome to the club.
All right, we're agreed on a Montessori preschool, but what about child care?
Oh, well, uh, Judith's mother has told us we can count on her for babysitting.
Ooh.
- What? - Oh, nothing. Lenore is a lovely woman.
- I'm sure the baby will be fine. - Oh, okay, good.
Yeah, she's probably got a lid on those demons by now.
- What demons? - Oh, ah, well, it's no biggie.
Um, she just, uh, had a little rough patch with the prescription pills.
The intervention, the rehab.
- There was an intervention? - And rehab. Um, three times.
- Three times? - Well, so far. Um...
Oh, dear God, what the hell happened?
Golly, I didn't wanna be the one to tell you.
Alan, please.
All right. Um...
Lenore was babysitting one night, and when Judith and I came home...
we found her face down in a bowl of H墧en-Dazs with Percocets in her hair.
- You're kidding. - Oh, that's not the scary part.
Um, we heard some shrieking and, uh, found baby Jake...
with his head stuck in a doggie door trying to fend off a raccoon.
- A raccoon? - Yeah. Yeah.
We got him all the shots, uh, just to be safe...
but he was never the same after that.
- Judith never told me about this. - Well, it's her mother, Herb.
I mean, what's she gonna say?
But tell you what, sneak up on Jake one night...
wearing a Davy Crockett hat and see what happens.
Anyway, uh, if you ever need a sitter for little Jolene...
you, uh, you call Uncle Alan.
- How's it going in here? - Oh, honey. Good news.
Alan's offered to babysit so we don't have risk calling your mother.
JUDITH: Get out!
A raccoon? And you believed him?
Are you insane?
How do I look?
- She already likes you, right? - Yeah.
Then you look great.
Let's go.
- Hello? - Oh.
I'm still not real sure about this.
What's the big deal? I told you how to handle it.
I know. I just-
I just don't wanna go.
All right.
No hurry.
It's not like they're gonna stop making girls.
Hey.
How about we order that pizza and watch a movie?
Cool. I should probably change back into my eating shirt.
Don't worry. You can't ruin this shirt.
What the hell is that cologne?
Air freshener from the toilet.
I figured I was spraying it anyway.
Oh, hey, Judith. What's up?
Actually, quite a bit.
- Is something wrong? - No, uh, it's just, um...
- I think it's time you knew the truth. - What truth?
Marlene Melnick is your daughter.
I knew it.
For 14 years, I've known it.
Well, I told her everything and she wants to live with her real dad.
That's great.
It's okay, honey. Come on in.
Hi, Daddy.
You got anything to eat?
Woof.