Hey, Danny, did you say good morning to Melissa?
[IN DEEP VOICE] Good morning, Melissa.
- You look lovely today. - Thank you, Danny.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I think he has a little thing for you.
[IN DEEP VOICE] No, you've got a little thing for her.
I've got a croquet mallet in my pants.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Danny, behave yourself.
Alan, I thought I told you to keep that doll in your room.
[IN DEEP VOICE] Come on, he's gotta feed the broad sometime.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] See what I did there? - You're so clever.
How about spaghetti with pesto for dinner?
- Oh, boy, with the pine nuts? - You got it.
[IN DEEP VOICE] I've got your pine nuts right here.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Danny.
[IN DEEP VOICE] Buy one, get one free.
Okay, Alan, I'm only gonna ask you this once.
Has Little Miss Muppet moved into my house?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] What? No.
Huh, really. Then explain why she's here when I go to bed...
...and still here when I get up.
To be fair, Charlie, you have an erratic sleep schedule.
That's not even counting the drunken blackouts.
You're saying I continually miss it when she goes home?
Charlie, you missed Easter last year.
Was that the time I woke up with a Cadbury egg melted in my shorts?
Sadly enough, no.
Okay, just so you understand, this is my house.
You don't get to invite people to move in.
Why do you keep harping on that? She is not living here.
I'm just gonna throw in a load of laundry before I go to work.
[IN DEEP VOICE] Sure looks like she is.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I don't know what he's talking about.
Hey, listen, I was thinking.
Why don't we bring my bed over from my mother's house?
We've already got a bed.
This isn't a bed, it's a foldout couch.
You're always complaining about it.
Oh, pfft, I complain about a lot of things. Like automatic-flush toilets.
Everything's gone before you turn around and check out how you did.
- What the dickens are you talking about? - Let's leave the furniture.
- I don't wanna rock the boat. - How is getting a bed rocking the boat?
This is our room, isn't it?
Well, yeah. And no. I mean, it's still Charlie's house.
- But you pay rent? - Of course.
The number fluctuates depending on the economy...
...and whether Charlie is conscious on the first of the month. But I pay.
Okay, then you need to start standing up to him.
Oh, please. I stand up to him plenty.
Is that so?
[CHUCKLES AND PANTS]
You think he likes unsalted butter? He does not.
Now, you listen to me, Alan Harper.
You are a strong, assertive man.
I know that because I couldn't be with you...
...if you were anything less.
Oh, well, yeah, I am.
You know, I don't wanna flaunt my strong assertiveness...
...by, you know, asking for stuff.
Tell your brother we're moving my bed here...
...and if he doesn't like it, well, then that is just his tough noogies.
- Okay, I will tell him. - Good.
But slowly.
In increments.
As I did with the butter.
- And how long did that take? - That is not important.
What's important is this is now a low-sodium, heart-smart household.
He thinks he's fooling me, but he's not. She's living here.
He moved her in right under my nose.
So?
So? This is the unsalted butter again, but, you know, writ large.
What difference does it make if she lives here?
What difference? Are you kidding?
First it's him and his kid...
...and now he's shacking up with Strawberry Shortcake.
- He pays rent, doesn't he? - I don't know.
Once, maybe.
He says he did.
So why do you care who he has in his room?
I care because there's a principle involved.
- A principle? - Yes, I made a rule.
Ohh. You made a rule.
Yes, I made a rule.
And I'm making another one: You do not get to mock my rules.
You're being silly.
Melissa is a wonderful girl, they love each other...
...and she makes him happy.
And I care about that because?
Because the Charlie that I fell in love with...
...cares about other people's happiness.
- That's the Charlie you fell in love with? - Yes.
Well, joke's on you.
That whole nice-guy thing was a big act to get you to have sex with me. Ha, ha.
I know you'll do the right thing, Charlie.
Oh, you do, huh?
Most of the time, I'm not even sure what the right thing is.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Got a minute? - I'm reading.
Okay, we'll talk later.
[DOOR CLOSES]
- He's busy. MELISSA: Damn it, Alan, get back out there!
ALAN: But I gotta pee. - You already peed. Now go.
Go, get back out there.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey-ho.
What do you want, Alan?
Well, as you know, I pay my fair share of rent around here.
We probably have different definitions of fair.
And share. And rent. But go on.
I just don't think I need your permission when it comes to Melissa living with me.
Well, you're wrong. Nice talking to you.
- Charlie. I would hope that... - Don't "Charlie" me.
This is my house. Not yours, mine.
The fact is, if Melissa moves in...
...that means you've got more people living here than I do.
- So? - So there's a principle involved.
That we must discuss.
Okay, so, what's the principle?
The principle is that...
...you're my brother and I want you to be happy.
So Melissa can stay? I mean, move in?
Sure.
Well, all right, then.
Oh!
You know, I was thinking.
You've got me, Alan's got Melissa, even Jake's got a girlfriend.
We need to find somebody for Sir Lancelot.
Your cat?
Yeah. Doesn't he deserve some happiness?
He can lick his own crotch. What else does he need?
Come on, Charlie, why shouldn't he have some companionship?
All right. How about we get him a nice lady coyote?
- Charlie. - What? Lt'd be good for old Lance.
- Get a little exercise running for his life. - You're terrible.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Let the machine get it.
ALAN [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]: Hi, this is Alan.
And this is Melissa. We're not home and neither are Charlie and Chelsea.
ALAN: Charlie might be home, but he's probably in no condition to answer.
[ALAN AND MELISSA CHUCKLE]
BOTH: Leave a message when you hear the beep.
- Beep! - Beep!
[MACHINE BEEPS]
EVELYN: Hello, Charlie? It's your mother.
Remember me? The woman who carried you in her womb...
... for roughly seven and a half months?
Anyway, I'd say call me, but what's the point?
I've long since given up expecting any kind of consideration or...
[MACHINE BEEPS]
Seven and a half months?
She said, "If God wanted us to lose our figures...
...he wouldn't have invented C-sections and incubators."
- Hey, all. - We're home.
- Oh, boy. CHELSEA: Hi.
- Charlie. - Hi.
Just so you know, Melissa and I are gonna put our food on the bottom...
...you take the top and we'll split the door.
- That's a great idea. - No, it's not. It's my refrigerator.
Be quiet.
- I bought it. I paid for it. - Charlie.
- The whole thing, not just half. - Stop being a child.
I'm not gonna forfeit a grape soda just because I put it on the wrong shelf.
- Mind if we join you guys? - Sure.
- What are we watching? - An Odd Couple rerun.
I never really liked that show.
- Why not? - Well, I didn't buy the premise.
Who would put up with somebody...
...who drives them crazy for all those years?
I mean, it would be different if they were related.
That was fun picking out our wedding crystal.
Oh, yeah. Barrel of Monkeys.
I'm so excited about that big punchbowl.
You know what would be really exciting?
Next time you ask me to go shopping with you, use it to cave in my skull.
[MUSIC PLAYING & CHATTERING]
What the hell is this?
Look who's here.
[IN DEEP VOICE] Hey, dude. Party down.
What are you doing?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] We invited a few friends over.
You don't have any friends.
Yeah, but Melissa does, so now they're mine too.
[IN DEEP VOICE] They don't really like you.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] They do too.
[IN DEEP VOICE] Dream on, meat puppet.
Who said you could have a party?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm sorry. I thought we lived here.
Must we check with you about everything we do?
Yes.
What's that guy drinking? Is that my grape soda?
It was on our shelf.
What did I tell you?
Okay, that's it.
- Charlie. - No, no, no... This is not acceptable.
Hey, everybody.
Everybody listen up.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Party's over. Pack up your crap and get out.
I'm not kidding.
One.
I'm counting to three by the way.
Two.
- Ah, screw it, I'll leave. CHELSEA: Charlie.
Forget it. I'm out of here.
See what happens when I do the right thing?
Okay, I think you're really overreacting...
...but if you wanna spend the night at a hotel, fine.
No, I will not come over there for a quickie.
Goodbye, Charlie.
He just needs to cool off.
We're really sorry, Chelsea.
We should've talked to you guys before inviting our friends over.
Your friends.
We need some system where we give each other a heads up about guests.
That's a great idea.
Excuse me, since when do you two call the shots around here?
What are you talking about?
All right, ladies.
Let's make something very clear.
There's an established pecking order...
...that needs to be honored. - Oh, really? And what might that be?
Wow. Heh, heh. Do I have to spell it out?
Please do.
Fine.
When Charlie is not here, I am in charge.
That's okay, isn't it?
[MAN TALKING ON TV]
[DOOR KNOCKS]
- Yeah? ALAN: [IN DEEP VOICE] Room service.
Guess who got himself kicked out of the house?
Ow! Ow! Cut it out!
What are you doing here?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I didn't have any place else to go.
Well, I got news for you. You still don't.
Come on, Charlie.
Alan, you're the reason I'm here in the first place.
I know, I might've crossed a bit of a line.
A bit of a line?
You moved your girlfriend into my house.
You invited strangers over without my permission.
And then to add insult to injury...
...you show up here with your ugly frigging dummy?
[IN DEEP VOICE] Did you hear that? He called you ugly.
Goodbye, Alan.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Wait, wait, wait.
L... I brought you a peace offering.
- That's my 10-year-old Scotch. - No, it's not.
[IN DEEP VOICE] Yes, it is.
I saw him take it.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Damn it, Danny, what is wrong with you?
[IN DEEP VOICE] What's wrong with me?
You're the one with your hand between my little wooden cheeks.
All right, all right, enough. Enough.
If I'm gonna drink Scotch, I'm gonna need ice.
- There's a machine down the hall. - [IN NORMAL VOICE] Be right back.
Yeah, like I don't have ice.
Thanks for letting me back in.
You were crying in the hallway.
The other guests complained.
Still, it's very considerate of you.
Shut up and drink my Scotch.
Cheers.
Bite me.
This is kind of fun though.
You and me sharing a hotel room just like when we were kids.
Swell.
Remember that time Mom took us on that Caribbean cruise?
- We had our own cabin? - Yeah.
Took us three days to figure out Mom was on another boat.
- Good times. - Mm.
We've lost our house, Charlie.
Your house. We've lost your house.
I know.
- How did this happen? - Slowly.
In increments.
Starting with the butter.
I can see that now.
The problem is, the women have established a beachhead.
[CHUCKLES]
- What? - Nothing, nothing.
You just reminded me why I bought a house in Malibu.
The thing is, if we go back, we'll appear weak.
I don't mind that.
No, no, no. We need a plan.
We need to figure out some way to drive a wedge between those two.
- You know, divide and conquer. - Yeah, but how?
I'm not sure. Maybe we should sleep on it.
Wanna watch some porn first?
No.
Why not?
I'm drunk in bed in a hotel room with my brother...
...and you wanna know why I don't wanna watch porn?
Okay. Okay, I get it. You don't wanna watch porn.
[IN DEEP VOICE] Mind if I watch?
[YELLS]
- So they both just up and left, huh? - Yeah.
- Those boneless chickens. - They'll be back.
They just have to get used to the way things are now.
- Damn right. - Girl power, my bitches.
Hey, Berta, why don't you whip us up some French toast to celebrate.
Or we could do it.
Good plan, my bitches.
EVELYN: Hello, anybody home? - In here.
Oh, what a nice surprise.
Good morning, ladies. Berta.
Botox.
So where are the boys this morning?
Oh, well, Charlie's off sulking in a hotel.
Oh, really? Well, what about Alan?
Oh, Alan's too cheap for a hotel.
I see. And what brought this on?
A lot of macho nonsense.
- Mmm. And Alan? - Just nonsense.
No kidding. Well, I'm glad to see...
...you didn't let them get away with it. BOTH: Thank you.
And I'm doubly pleased that you two have managed...
...to put aside your somewhat distasteful history...
...and bond the way you obviously have.
What distasteful history?
Oh, come on, let them make my breakfast first.
- What are you talking about? - A lot of women might resent...
...the former lover of their fianc� living in the same house as them.
It ain't me, start cooking.
- You and Charlie? - Just one little weekend.
If I knew what kind of man he was, I never would've let him touch me.
- What's that mean? - Oh, he's fine for you.
Fine for me?
Well, I've got an early meeting.
Nice to see you, girls.
Why didn't you tell me? I thought you were my friend.
[MELISSA AND CHELSEA CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
CHELSEA: If it weren't for me, your ass would've been gone a long...
I believe the balance of power is restored.
- Thanks, Mom. - Thank you.
You owe me large.
Sweetheart, I think you're overreacting...
...but if you wanna spend the night in a hotel, that's fine.
Hey, you want me to come over for a quickie?
Kidding.
Love you. Damn.
Hey, at least Chelsea's coming back.
Melissa said she'll never set foot in this house again.
All's well that ends well, huh?
[IN DEEP VOICE] Bite me.
Oh, come on, the important thing is we got the house back...
...and we're once again kings of the castle.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] That's true.
Celeste and I are gonna be studying in my room.
Okay.
Oh, right. Set another place for dinner. She's gonna be joining us.
Fine.
- Also, she's a vegetarian, so no meat. - Got it.
- Come on, Jake. - Coming.
Kings of the castle, my ass.
We're whipped unto the third generation.
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]