MAN [ON TV]: Ask your doctor if it's right for you.
So do you either of guys urinate with abnormal frequency?
- No. - No.
I mean, you gotta define abnormal.
And keep in mind the body doesn't process alcohol efficiently...
...which is why your Uncle Charlie is a perpetual urine machine.
Also keep in mind that your father has the bladder control...
...of a frightened 9-year-old girl.
Which is why he needs to wear two pairs of undies and a pantyliner.
Only on long drives.
Really? How many times a night do you get up to pee?
- Just once. - I can hear your toilet flush, Alan.
Okay, four times.
But at least I get out of bed to pee.
Hey, hey, that was an isolated incident.
I was dreaming my shoes were on fire.
- Does that answer your question, buddy? - Yeah.
And remind me to never to ask another one.
- Charlie? - Yeah?
- Why aren't you ready? - Ready for?
You've gotta be kidding me.
I've told you three times we're having dinner with my girlfriend Gail tonight.
Excuse me, gotta pee.
You never listen when I'm talking to you. It's like you just tune me out.
You look like you're paying attention, but your mind is miles away.
CHARLIE: Do I need to pee?
[CHELSEA SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
Nah. I mean, I could. Might be traffic.
Probably should pee. Yeah, better pee.
We're gonna be late, I'm gonna be embarrassed...
...because you don't listen. - Boy, she's got great boobies.
So, Charlie, I've heard so many nice things about you.
Really? From who?
Hello.
Oh, right. Thanks.
I guess I only hear the complaints.
- You don't hear anything. - That's not true.
You're right, it's not. He hears what he wants to hear.
So I'm right.
- Well, you still make a great couple. - Thank you.
And I'm really looking forward to your wedding.
I'm sure it's gonna be beautiful.
[SOBS]
What'd I do?
Nothing. I told you, she's going through a breakup.
- When did you tell me that? - In the car on the way here. God!
It's gonna be okay.
I know, it's just hard.
I thought I knew him.
I thought we were gonna be together forever like you and Charlie.
CHARLIE: Hard to believe somebody got tired of doing her.
Ooh. French fries look good.
Why did I order the baked potato?
- Isn't that right, Charlie? - Absolutely.
Now is this the one who's the old college roommate?
I should really listen more.
I mean, I knew he was insensitive.
Boy, I bet if they were roommates, they did some experimenting.
Why is it that girls can experiment with girls and not be gay...
... but if a guy so much kisses another guy... Bad memory.
Drink, drink, drink, drink.
So you're just all alone in that big apartment?
- He even took the dog. - Bastard.
What? It's my first drink.
- Not you. Brian took Rufus. - Ohh.
Who's Rufus?
For that matter, who's Brian?
Life of Brian, that was pretty funny.
Brian's Song not so much.
James Caan was great in it, though.
That's because he's a great actor.
Godfather, Rollerball.
Yeah, I can so see these two kissing in a dorm room.
That's really sweet, but I couldn't impose.
- We insist. Right, Charlie? - Absolutely.
There. You'll come stay with us for a few days and heal.
- I don't know what to say. - Say yes.
- Um... Yes. - Good.
We can go to her apartment so she can pack a bag.
- Absolutely. - You'll love Charlie's place.
It's right on the sand, very quiet, restful.
Dear Penthouse Forum...
... I always thought your letters were made up...
... until my fiancée's roommate came to stay with us for a few days.
- Right, Charlie? - Absolutely.
[ELECTRIC RAZOR BUZZING]
Hey, Alan?
Alan?
ALAN: Be right there.
What's up?
- What were you doing? - Shaving.
At night?
Well, not so much shaving as trimming.
So how was dinner?
Forget dinner.
Please tell me you weren't using my razor.
Mine doesn't have the floating heads.
I don't believe you. I put that thing on my face.
I was gonna clean it before I gave it back.
I don't want it back.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah. It's yours.
- Merry Christmas. - Thank you.
This is just a stocking stuffer, right?
I mean, you are gonna give me a real present too?
A real present?
Well, you obviously didn't put much thought into this one.
- Good night, Alan. - Good night.
Oh, I almost forgot. Pack up your stuff and get out.
Okay, okay. The razor can be my Christmas present.
No. Chelsea's girlfriend is staying here, so you're gonna sleep on the couch.
Why don't you have Jake sleep on the couch?
Fair question. Why don't you trim your ball hair with a steak knife?
I feel bad kicking your brother out of his room.
Well, that's only because you don't know him.
Here we go. Little chamomile tea, help you sleep.
Chelsea, I can't thank you enough.
Don't be silly, I know what it feels like to have my heart broken.
Me too.
You know, theoretically.
- Well, I'm grateful to you both. - And we're grateful to you.
You know, theoretically.
Tomorrow you can sleep in, take a nice, long walk on...
CHARLIE: I've been a really good boyfriend tonight.
Chelsea should do something nice for me.
Like make out with Gail.
Okay, I put fresh sheets on the bed.
Alan, this is my friend Gail. Gail, this is Alan.
I'm so sorry to put you out like this, but your brother...
ALAN: Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
[GAIL SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
Oh, God, I've been waiting for you all my life.
Marry me, have my children.
It's really very generous of you.
Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
Come on, I'll show you the room.
[ALAN HUMMING WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS"]
[CHARLIE HUMMING FUNK MUSIC]
Chelsea?
[GAIL SOBBING]
CHELSEA: It's gonna be okay.
- Chels, you in there? CHELSEA: It's okay, Charlie. Come on in.
- Everything all right? - She's pretty upset.
I'm sorry I'm such a basket case.
Oh, please, we're here for you, baby.
- Right, Charlie? - Absolutely.
I guess I'll leave you two alone.
You don't have to go.
I don't?
Not unless you want to.
CHARLIE: Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
Come on, Charlie, we all know what you really wanna do.
We do?
We do.
Come here, join us.
Uh... Okay.
So, what now?
Do I really need to tell you?
We'd probably be better off if you did.
Okay.
I want you to make Gail happy.
- And you're onboard? - It was my idea.
Don't worry, she and I have done this before.
In college.
I knew it.
Okay, let's turn that frown upside down.
That's a good boy.
- Hey, Chels? - Yeah, babe?
- This is a dream, right? - Of course, it's a dream.
You think I'm really gonna let you sleep with my best friend?
Well, in that case, hang on...
...because I'm gonna do some real freaky stuff here.
Yowza.
Excuse me. I brought you some fresh towels, Gail.
Oh, aren't you sweet.
Sure, sweet.
Go smell his room.
- Morning. - Good, you're up.
I made you some toast. Here's your orange juice.
- Oh, thank you, honey. - I'll see you later.
- Wait, wait, wait. You're leaving? - I told you I have to go in to work today.
- But what about Gail? - She can take care of herself.
I think she's already made a new friend.
Yeah, I saw.
You don't think he's got a shot, do you?
- Charlie, you're horrible. - I was joking.
So how long are you gonna be gone?
I'll be home for dinner. Thought I'd pick up some Chinese food...
CHARLIE: Is she nuts?
I can't be trusted alone with that chick.
[CHELSEA SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
Wait, maybe this is a test.
A trap.
The two of them are in cahoots to find out if I'll make a move.
Cahoots, that's a funny word.
Sounds like an owl sneezing.
Ca... Ca... Ca... Cahoots.
- So I'll call you later. - Absolutely.
- Morning, Alan. - Oh, morning.
Thank you for letting Gail have your room.
Oh, don't be silly. Happy to do it. Mi casa, her casa.
Actually it's his...
...but the dehumidifier and the nightlight belong to me.
Still very nice of you. See you later.
What you got going on today?
Gonna play a little tennis in 1958?
This old thing? This is just my knock-around clothes.
So, what's the story on Gail?
- Bad breakup? - Something like that.
- She's on the rebound? - Where are you going with this?
Nowhere, I'm just curious about her.
And, you know, when we met last night, I sensed a little spark between us.
If there was a spark, it's only because she was warming up her Taser.
Ha, ha. Very funny.
The only way you're gonna hook up with someone like Gail is in your dreams.
Already did.
- Really? Was Chelsea there? - No.
Good lord, how creepy would that be?
Well, regardless, forget about Gail.
Potato head out there has a better shot than you do.
I've got a nephew about your age. You should meet him.
He plays guitar, maybe you guys could jam sometime.
JAKE: Oh, boobies.
[GAIL SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
There is a very good chance that a woman like that...
...is tired of rich, handsome, successful guys...
...who have homes and recently-built cars.
- You really believe that? - I have to.
- Woof. Who's that? - Chelsea's friend.
She's going through a bad breakup so she's gonna stay here for a few days.
BERTA: Too bad I prefer the fellas.
Then again, I could always draw a mustache on her.
[GAIL SOBBING]
Alan?
Jake?
Berta?
Oh, boy.
Although, maybe this is another dream.
- Gail, you okay? GAIL: I'm fine.
Good, good.
I'm gonna run some errands. Can I get you anything while I'm out?
A reason to live.
Alrighty.
[GAIL WHIMPERS]
Coming in.
Sorry.
I just got some bad news.
What happened?
- My boyfriend... - Rufus?
That's my dog.
- Oh, yeah. He's okay, right? - He's fine.
I just found out Brian is already seeing someone else.
No.
I mean, we just broke up and he's already sleeping with another woman?
The pig.
I thought we had something.
He always said I was his soul mate...
...and that he wanted to spend his life with me.
CHARLIE: This can't be a dream.
She's still got her clothes on.
And she's talking.
- Why can't I find a nice guy like you? - Absolutely.
Maybe Chelsea would let me borrow you.
[CHUCKLES]
Excuse me, gotta pee.
Oh, crap, crap, crap.
- Here you go. - Thanks.
I don't know how much longer I can hold out.
I hear you.
- What? - Nothing.
I gotta get Gail out of here before I do something I'm gonna regret.
You know, after I thoroughly enjoy it.
Just tell her to leave.
I can't do that, she's Chelsea's best friend.
They were college roommates.
Really?
- You think they experimented? - Oh, yeah.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I gotta figure out a way to get Gail to leave on her own.
- You got the perfect tool for the job. - What are you talking about?
The one tool that's guaranteed to drive any woman out of your house.
Hello.
Oh, look, it's an Allen wrench.
ALAN: What was that about? - Nothing. Nothing.
I was just telling Berta that I was wrong about you not having a shot with Gail.
Why, did she say something? Did she ask about me?
How about a double wedding? As long as you're paying for one.
Slow down. Slow down. Nobody said anything.
I just realized I might've been jealous...
...because she's so beautiful...
...and I can't have her, I didn't want you to have her.
Yeah, I was thinking it might be that.
Anyway, it's not fair for me to stand in the way of your happiness.
I always thought that was one of your favorite things.
Do you wanna pick nits or go talk to a woman...
...who's vulnerable and may very well be looking for revenge sex?
I don't want revenge sex, I want a loving relationship...
...that has depth and meaning and will withstand the test of time.
Oh, that's good. I'd lead with that.
- You think? - Oh, yeah, go get her.
All right. All right. Wish me luck.
You don't need luck.
You've got the exact skills needed to get this job done.
Thanks, Charlie. You're a good brother.
CHARLIE: If he actually gets laid, I'm gonna hang myself.
[DOOR KNOCKS]
Come in.
- Hey, there. - Hi, Alan.
- You up for a little company? - I guess.
You know, it does get easier.
The wound does heal.
I know. Thank you.
It may not feel like it now...
...but before too long, you'll forget about that fellow who hurt you...
...because another fellow will be in your heart.
A fellow who will never hurt you...
...who will never leave your side.
A fellow who wants nothing more than to love you.
GAIL: Oh, dear God, no.
Thanks for your hospitality, but I should get back home.
- Anytime. - So where'd we leave it?
- I'll call you, you'll call me? - I'll call you.
So how'd it go?
You heard her. She's gonna call me.
Shame on you, Alan Harper.
You knew that Gail was going through a difficult time.
What do you do? You try to take advantage, to exploit her...
ALAN: What is it about an angry woman that I find so hot?
[CHELSEA SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
Even when that fat cashier was yelling at me...
... I got a little engorged.
Boy, if I could just find somebody like Chelsea.
I mean, look at her go.
She's a real fireball.
Speaking of fireballs, next time I manscape...
... I should probably skip the aftershave.
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]