[PANTING]
Wow.
That was great.
Good, I'm glad.
Wait, wait, wait. You're glad?
Yeah.
I knew it.
- There was no "gaa." - Gaa?
When the sex is working for you, you try to say "God" but it comes out "gaa."
This time, there was no "gaa."
- Charlie. - No "gaa," no good.
I'll tell you another thing.
You usually grab my ass like you're holding a tree trunk in a hurricane.
Just now, it was like you were palming a couple cantaloupes at the supermarket.
Fireworks don't have to go off every time for me to enjoy it.
Oh, please. Fireworks is the whole point of the exercise.
Otherwise, all you've got is two naked people humping on a StairMaster.
Sometimes it's nice just being close.
"Nice being close." Great.
Now I know what it's like to be my brother.
- Would you stop it? - No, this is the beginning of the end.
First our sex life goes to hell, then we start eating dinner at 4:30...
...watching reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
And at 9:00, we shake hands, pee and go to sleep.
Then around midnight, I get up to pee again.
Quit making a big deal out of it.
Because once in a while I don't have an orgasm...
No, wait, wait, wait.
This has happened before?
- Just a few times. - Well, why didn't I know?
- Were you faking it? - Does it matter?
You're damn right, it matters. Why'd you stop?
- Don't you love me anymore? - Of course I love you.
If you loved me, you'd keep faking.
Fine, from now on I'll fake it.
Too late. Now I'm on to you.
There's nothing to get so upset about.
I've just been working really hard. I'm under a lot of stress.
On top of that, I'm trying to plan our wedding...
...and dealing with my parents, your mother.
But trust me, as far as I'm concerned you're still the sexiest man on earth...
...and I'm the luckiest woman who ever lived.
[CHARLIE SNORING]
Lucky, lucky, lucky.
[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN" THEME]
Thought you were taking your girlfriend out.
I am. But if I eat first, I won't pig out in the restaurant, make her sick.
Good idea. That way you'll have the rest of the night to make her sick.
Exactly.
Plus, I won't snap at her if she reaches for one of my fries.
All right, Chelsea will be home in a few minutes.
- How are we doing? - Wine is decanting, pasta is on the stove.
Salad is in the fridge, Marvin Gaye is on the CD player.
Hm-hm. Gay.
And what about this? Where's this gonna be tonight?
It has a date.
- Oh, eating first. I taught you well. - Thank you.
Clean underwear?
Cleanish.
Not good enough. With underwear, there's no gray area.
Don't worry, it's not gray.
Anything but white is unacceptable.
In that case, I better change.
And take off the bib.
If he can score just once before I die, my life will have been worthwhile.
Then you might wanna start eating healthier.
- What's the big occasion tonight? - There's no big occasion.
Trying to keep the fire going with Chelsea.
You know what's good for that? Doing it in public.
- Really. - Yeah.
There's nothing like the thrill of thinking you might get caught.
I gotta tell you, you almost walked in on me a couple of times.
You're kidding.
A heads-up, the next time you see the Sparkletts truck parked outside...
...avoid the garage.
From now on, I'm gonna avoid water.
Good news, Alan.
You're going to the movies tonight.
Alan?
[SINGING] Bossa nova
With its magic spell
Blame it on the bossa nova
That he did so well
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
- What is that? - That's... That's hair spray.
Really. Hair spray? Let me see it.
No. Leave me alone.
- Well, what's the big deal? - It's not a big deal, just go away.
All right. I need you out of the house so I can be alone with Chelsea.
- Well, don't worry, I have a date. - Internet hookup?
SuaveSingles. Com.
First month is free.
That must be how they keep out the riffraff.
- Have fun. - Well, thank you. I will.
Hey! Hey!
"Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair.
Guaranteed to cover bald spots."
It's not a bald spot. I'm just getting a little thin on top.
So you're painting your head?
It's not paint. It's a specially formulated hair-like substance...
...designed for the active man on the go.
Oh, you poor, gullible bastard.
Gives me confidence.
Okay, fine.
But what happens to your confidence when your date runs her fingers...
...through your specially formulated hair-like substance?
It's guaranteed not to smear, drip or ignite under normal circumstances.
You'll spend your life spray-painting your head like it's a freeway underpass?
This is just a stopgap till the pills kick in.
- What's this, like, Propecia? - Better, stronger.
It's from Eastern Europe. They don't have to worry about pesky FDA regulations.
There's a monkey on the label.
It is not a monkey, it's the inventor.
- How long you been taking these? - Couple weeks.
It has to build up in your system and then stand back and grab a comb.
Far be it from me to judge someone for taking questionable pharmaceuticals...
...but be careful with this stuff.
Do you think I'm so vain that I would jeopardize my health to grow a little hair?
Do I have to remind you about...
...the Japanese penis-enlargement system you bought?
That is not what caused the rupture.
I'm sorry, but this is a monkey.
[PANTING]
So...
...did you make your way around the mountain?
Excuse me?
You know...
Were you driving six white horses?
What are you talking about?
[SINGING] She'll be driving six white horses When she...
Are you asking me if I had an orgasm, Charlie?
Yeah, but I'm trying to be cute about it.
No, I did not. But it doesn't matter. It was wonderful.
- Were you at least close? - Yes, I was close.
Well, that's a start. Now, when you were close, what was I doing?
You were downstairs getting a beer.
I'm kidding. Can we please just drop it?
Excuse me for trying to bring you back to "gaa."
Sex is not just about orgasms.
Oh, really? Then how are we supposed to know when we're done?
- Don't pout. - I'm not pouting.
You are. Your bottom lip is sticking out.
It's swollen.
You could've stopped at any time.
No, no. I am not a quitter.
Do you know what the best part of tonight was?
For you or me?
Because I think mine was pretty obvious.
It was that you cared enough to plan this amazing evening for me.
The beautiful dinner, wine on the deck...
...the two of us talking, just being together.
It's nights like these that make me realize how lucky I am...
...to have found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
[CHARLIE SNORING]
Lucky, lucky, lucky.
[GROANING]
Hey.
Alan, I don't know how to tell you this...
...but your bangs are dripping down your face.
Little lesson for you, Charlie.
There are two things you never wanna buy on the cheap:
Canned hair and condoms.
I'm assuming it never got to condoms.
No, it did not. Once my hair started dripping on her chicken Marsala...
...the evening was pretty well shot.
Probably should've sprung for Captain Terry's Hair Sealer.
Maybe you'll have better luck with the pills.
Oh, thanks for reminding me.
If the date was so bad, why are you home so late?
I've been at the Emergency Room having my eyes flushed.
Apparently my hair contains small particles of fiberglass.
- What the hell is he doing? - Trying to sneak in 2 hours after curfew.
- Aren't you gonna punish him? - Maybe tomorrow.
It's hard to assume moral authority...
...with Captain Terry's specially formulated hair all over my face.
True. You do kind of look like a hot-fudge sundae.
Hi. Didn't see you there.
That's the first time anyone ever said that to me.
Taking a lunch break?
Sure, let's call it that.
- Mind if I ask you a question? - It's Liz Taylor's White Diamonds.
- What? - My fragrance.
You can get it at Costco.
- Nice. - Great stocking stuffer for Christmas.
- I'll remember. - I'll act surprised.
Actually, I was gonna ask you about when you were married.
- Which time? - What was the long one?
Jerry. Fourteen years, God rest his soul.
- He's dead? - He better be.
Okay, well, when Jerry walked among us...
...was there a time when he wasn't, you know, doing it for you?
You mean, even though he was doing it to me?
Yeah.
Well, sure. But that's natural.
Passion always fades over time.
Before you know it, you find yourself daydreaming...
...barely noticing the naked guy with a mullet and flip-flops...
...doing his dirty business on top of you.
- Jerry? - God, no. I never let Jerry on top.
He was like a fur-covered water heater.
So that's it? That's all I have to look forward to?
A wife that has to go to a happy place every time I have sex with her?
Is Chelsea complaining?
- No. - Can you read her mind?
- No. - Then don't worry about it.
How can I not worry?
Orgasms is one of the few things I bring to the table in this relationship.
Well, I can't argue with you there.
But maybe this is the perfect opportunity for you to become a better boyfriend.
A more compassionate, caring individual.
Or you could buy her one of them vibrating eggs.
They're awesome. I heard.
I gotta go.
Man, I hope I can hold onto this buzz until the Sparkletts guy gets here.
[KNOCKING]
Alan, you in here?
ALAN: Bathroom. Getting ready for a date.
Another suave single?
ALAN: No, my free trial expired.
Now I'm on JDate.
Alan, we're not Jewish.
Who cares? You should see these girls, very hotsy-totsy.
And the best part is, till my hair pills kick in...
...two birds with one stone.
So how can I help you?
Well, believe it or not, I wanted to ask your advice about women.
Me? I'm flattered. What do you wanna know?
- Well... - Sit, boytshik.
Okay, I'm having a little problem, you know...
...satisfying Chelsea in the bedroom.
Uh-huh.
So I thought to myself, "Who knows more...
...about not satisfying a woman than my brother, Alan?"
That's a very unfair characterization...
...but not entirely inaccurate.
Go on.
My question is, how do you live with yourself?
How do you wake up in the morning...
...and not drag a straight razor across your throat?
Well, that's not an easy question to answer.
First of all, I don't own a straight razor.
This is what happened with you and Judith?
Actually, Judith was highly orgasmic.
- Really? - Not with me, of course.
As long as I didn't let the battery drawer get empty, she was one happy shiksa.
So how did you deal with that?
- Didn't you feel like less of a man? - Okay, I understand.
Your problem is your male ego is tied to your partner's sexual pleasure.
Your self-esteem is almost entirely based on whether or not...
...she achieves some level of physical satisfaction.
- Uh-huh. - You gotta get past that.
You're saying I shouldn't care?
Charlie, our people have spent thousands of years...
...carrying the burden of guilt.
I say enough. It's time to break the shackles.
Okay, okay. First of all, I'm pretty sure that our people are Scotch-lrish.
Perhaps, but the Talmud teaches us that the true worth of a man...
...is in his good works and devotion to God.
- The Talmud? - Yeah, I Googled it.
Figured I might need a little Jewish dinner chat.
Lucky I did some research...
...I was planning on taking this girl to Red Lobster.
Meshuga, right?
Oh! I gotta go.
Listen, Jake's grounded for coming in late last night.
So be a mensch and keep an eye on the little pisher, would you?
Oy...
...vey.
This is fun, huh?
I guess.
Gin.
Damn. Okay.
Let's go again.
You do realize that at a certain point we'll have to go to bed.
I know. It's not like I'm avoiding it or anything.
Really? This is the first time since I've known you...
...you've suggested a game that doesn't involve money or nudity.
We can play for money if you want.
What do you say, penny a point?
We'll go to bed when someone's up 100 bucks.
Come on. We gonna talk about the elephant in the room?
Well, what's there to talk about?
I can't ring your bell anymore. We'll grow old...
...l'll die and you'll find happiness with a vibrating egg.
Did you ever stop to consider that maybe this isn't about you?
No, not really.
- Well, it isn't. - Then what's it about?
It's personal.
What's more personal than bumping pee-pees?
All right, fine.
My ex-husband is getting remarried.
I'm sorry, are we still having the same conversation?
I know it sounds stupid, but ever since I found out, I somehow felt shut down.
- Why? - I don't know.
- Because he's moving on with his life. - Yeah, but you're getting married too.
Yeah, but I'm getting married because I'm over him.
He's getting married because he's over me!
Wait a minute. Are you still in love with him?
Of course not, idiot. I'm in love with you.
Well, good. Good, because I'm sure feeling loved.
I'm sorry.
Let me just make sure I'm following this. Knowing this guy is getting married...
...has gotten in the way of you having an orgasm.
Maybe. I think so.
Boy, women.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing. Nothing.
It's just, I once had an orgasm with a lawn dart in my foot.
- Do you think I'm crazy? - No, no. No.
Having sex over the hedge from where the kids...
...were throwing the lawn darts, that was crazy.
And believe it or not, I do understand.
- You do? - Sure.
No one wants their former lovers to be happy.
- They don't? - Well, hell, no.
Most of my former lovers want me dead.
A couple have tried.
In fact, now that I know you have a vengeful, petty side...
...I love you even more.
Thanks. I guess.
Don't worry about the sex. It'll work itself out.
Just like the lawn dart.
- I love you, Charlie. - You should.
I'm being really sensitive and understanding and all that crap.
Now, how about another game?
All right.
I gotta tell you, I'm kind of relieved to find out I'm not the problem.
Neither of us is the problem. It's just that I have feelings.
Okay. For me, that would be a problem.
You do realize that Jake just snuck out of the house.
Well, he's grounded. How else is he gonna leave?
Hey, how about the winner of the next hand...
...gets to be sexually satisfied without any guilt or reciprocity?
- You have a good hand, don't you? - No, not at all.
- All right, it's a bet. - Gin.
CHELSEA: Gaaaaaa...
Okay, I gotta ask.
Was that a real "gaa" or a mercy "gaa"?
Oh, that was the real thing.
- So it was good? - "Lawn dart" good.
You know what I think?
The fact that you shared your feelings with me...
...and I really listened, made the sex more intimate...
...and helped you overcome whatever was inhibiting you from...
[CHELSEA SNORING]
Well, that's just rude.
- Morning. - Morning.
Hey, looks like your hair is really filling in back there.
Yeah, I think the pills are starting to work.
What?
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]