MAN [ON TV]: You don't have to be a prisoner of depression.
Unlock the door of darkness and despair...
... and step into the sunlight with Lumitrol.
If you're taking an MAO inhibitor, consult your physician.
- Tremors, nausea...
You should try that stuff.
What for? I'm not depressed.
- Really? Why not? - What have I got to be depressed about?
You've been divorced twice, you live on your brother's couch...
...and your only child is flunking tenth grade.
You're flunking tenth grade? When did this happen?
Easy, dude. I think you got bigger things to worry about.
CHELSEA: Charlie, you're being an ass about this.
CHARLIE: I said no. End of discussion.
Yeah, that'll do it.
It's a couple dance lessons so we don't look like idiots at our wedding.
I've said yes to everything having to do with this stupid wedding...
...but this is too much.
- You think our wedding is stupid? - Lf I have to dance it is.
You know what, just drop dead.
Fine, I'll drop dead and you can dance on my grave.
You do know you're going to be taking dancing lessons?
Oh, yeah.
Does that depress you?
- A little. - May I suggest you try Lumitrol.
- What? - Unless you're taking an MAO inhibitor.
In which case, consult your physician.
Hard to believe he's flunking tenth grade.
[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN" THEME]
- Hey. - Hey.
Did you cave on the dancing?
- Yeah. - You have to grovel?
Like a leper at a kissing booth.
Did you at least get make-up sex?
- Nope. - Wow, it's like you're already married.
I might as well give her my testicles...
...and use the empty sack as a man purse.
Hey, hey, don't knock the man purse. Terrific way to carry your keys...
...ChapStick, sunblock, moist wipes.
Please move out of my house.
Hey, face it, big brother, we're a team. Like Ernest and Julio Gallo.
Seriously, get some cardboard boxes, fill them with your crap and go.
See, that's just misdirected anger. You're not mad at me...
...you're mad at yourself for trading your dignity and self-respect...
...for security, peace of mind and regular sex.
Where do you get that?
I've been married twice, Julio.
The key is to make the best of it. Like the dance lessons.
They can be fun. You and Chelsea practicing...
...learning to glide across the dance floor as a single organism...
...embracing the music like the breath of life itself.
Okay, first decorate my house then move out.
Cute. You'll see on your wedding day...
...when you step out onto the dance floor with your new bride...
...and sweep her into your arms with everybody watching.
- Sorry, I can't see it. - Let me help you.
[SINGING] Precious and few Are the moments
We two can share
How'd you know that's the song she wants?
Who do you think suggested it to her?
Okay. Let's see what you got.
- What? - Dance with me. Come on.
Are you out of your mind?
- I'm just gonna give you a few tips. - Keep your tip away from me.
You can embarrass yourself now...
...or embarrass yourself at your first dance class...
...in front of Chelsea and a bunch of strangers.
Okay, I just want you to know I'm only letting you touch me...
...because I'm half in the bag.
Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that.
Now, put your right hand on my lower back.
- And your left hand holds my right hand. - Okay.
Whoa, whoa. We're not cracking walnuts.
Firmly but gently, like you hold a baby bird.
I've never held a baby bird.
Okay, like you hold a boob.
- I am holding a boob. - Ha, ha.
We start with a simple waltz. You're the boy, I'm the girl.
That's how it'd break down in prison.
I don't know, Charlie, you've always been the pretty one.
And one, two, three, two, two, three...
...one, two, three, two, two, three.
Okay, you have to back off a half step.
There's no groin contact in ballroom dancing.
I wonder if that's why they call it "ball room."
Man, your grandmother really did a number on those poor bastards.
It's a miracle I turned out as well as I did.
[PLAYING "PRECIOUS AND FEW"]
[PLAYING CHOPIN'S "FUNERAL MARCH"]
Hey, Uncle Charlie, wanna dance with me?
Hey, Jake, wanna live in a foster home?
Sometimes.
Don't sass me, boy. I'll take the switch to you.
Hello, man of my dreams.
Hello, love of my life.
Hello, reason I go to therapy.
You go to therapy because you're weak.
I'm weak because you broke my spirit at age 5.
Oh, boo-hoo for you.
Guys, guys, can we please not do this?
- What? - Just saying hello.
I'm gonna go put this stuff away. Thanks for the scarf.
EVELYN: My pleasure, dear. It looks beautiful on you.
CHELSEA: Thank you.
- That woman is just a treasure. - I know.
- Worth her weight in gold. - Yes, she is.
Speaking of which, have you talked to her about a prenup?
What? No, I'm not gonna ask her for a prenup.
Charles, 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce.
And guess which half the guys who can't keep it in their pants fall into?
Hey, I have never once cheated on Chelsea.
- How long have you known her? - About a year and a half.
How long do you plan on being married?
Criminy, I need a prenup.
[WALTZ PLAYING OVER STEREO]
And one, two, three, one, two, three.
Very nice, two, three.
You're doing great, sweetie. Have you been practicing?
No, no. No. I'm a musician. It's instinctive.
So the pictures Jake e-mailed me of you and Alan...
...was just what, a tender moment between brothers?
How old do kids have to be before it's legal to punch them?
Oh, come on, you'd never hit Jake.
That's exactly what I want you to tell Child Services.
I think it's great you cared enough about this to practice.
So I get some points in the bank?
- Whole bunch. - Good, good.
Hey, speaking of banks...
...l've been thinking. Now don't overreact...
...but maybe we should talk about the possibility of getting some kind of a...
What do you call them? ...prenup.
Sure. Want your lawyer to draw it up or mine?
INSTRUCTOR: Now switch partners with the couple to your left.
- Hello. - Hi.
- Are you two getting married? - Yeah.
That's wonderful. It took me 38 years to get my husband to dance with me.
Well, better late than never.
He's doing it now because I caught him banging our church organist.
Oh.
Wanna help a nice lady give a little payback?
Switch!
Hi. Missed you.
Me too.
So you were saying you're okay with the prenup thing?
Yeah. I was trying to figure out a way to bring it up.
Really? Why were you gonna bring it up?
Well, I just think it's smart for both of us to protect our property.
What property do you have?
Not a lot. Just a little real estate.
Real estate?
No big deal. Just a few apartment buildings.
- Buildings? INSTRUCTOR: And switch.
Keep walking, pal.
When were you planning on telling me you own buildings?
I didn't think it was that important.
It's important enough for you to want a prenup.
- You're the one who brought it up. - But I'm not hiding anything from you.
You know everything I've got. A house on the beach...
...a car in the garage and a worthless douche in my guest room.
What about all the royalties from your music?
Yeah, well, you've got buildings.
Just three.
- Just three? - Why are you getting so upset?
I thought I knew you. I had no idea you had some secret life as a slumlord.
I'm not a slumlord.
Two are in the marina and one's in Brentwood.
- Oh, my God, that's even worse. - Why?
We've been together almost two years.
Would it have killed you to pick up a check once in a while?
Switch.
Hello again.
MAN [ON VIDEO]: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome for the first time...
... as husband and wife Mr. And Mrs. Alan Harper.
[BILL MEDLEY & JENNIFER WARNES' "THE TIME OF MY LIFE" PLAYING ON VIDEO]
[SINGING] Now I've had the time of my life
No, I never felt like this before
Yes, I swear It's the truth
And I owe it all to you
[IN HIGH PITCH] Cos I had the time of my life
And I owe it all to you
[DOOR SLAMS]
[VIDEO STOPS]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey, how was dance lessons?
You wanna know how dance lessons were?
I'll tell you how dance lessons were. Chelsea wants a freaking prenup.
Just because you dance like a middle-aged white guy?
- I am not middle-aged. - Oh, sorry.
You. You're middle-aged.
I'm younger than you.
You're also broke, losing your hair and sleeping on my hide-a-bed.
Always gotta bring a gun to a knife fight, don't you?
- What the hell are you watching? - It's my wedding video.
No kidding. Where am I?
In the coatroom banging Judith's sister.
Oh, right. Wish you had that video.
So why does Chelsea want a prenup?
She's got three apartment buildings she doesn't want me to get my hands on.
Really? Anything I could live in for free?
You know, house-sit, building manager in lieu of rent.
- How did this become about you? - Fine, I'll stay here.
Oh, good, I was worried.
The point is, Chelsea's been keeping a secret from me.
Maybe she wants to make sure you loved her for herself and not her property.
Oh, so I don't even get the choice?
I would think you would be happy.
She's well-off and doesn't care about your money.
- Which makes me trust her even less. - What?
Alan, think it through.
If she's not interested in my money, then why is she marrying me?
I have no idea.
Exactly. We may have to consider the possibility that Chelsea's insane.
I see your point.
She look like she's sorry?
Yeah. Sorry she ever met you.
- Hey, Chels. - Hello, Alan.
Brr. I think my nipples just got hard.
Yeah, well, too bad.
She deceived me and doesn't trust our marriage is gonna last.
Aren't you the one who wanted the prenup?
- That's different. - How?
Because when I brought it up I thought I had more stuff than her.
Okay, let me get this straight.
You're upset because you're marrying a woman whose only character flaw...
...is that she happens to have her own money?
I knew you wouldn't understand.
[REMOTE CLICKS]
So we take each other's hands
Cos we seem to understand the urgency
Just remember
You're the one thing
I can't get enough of
That's the last time she ever moved her pelvis like that.
Are we gonna talk or are you gonna sit there pretending to read?
I'm not pretending.
If I didn't know how to read, I would've told you a long time ago.
I wouldn't have deceived you.
Don't be such a child.
I'm the child? You're the one who's been keeping secrets.
It wasn't really a secret. I would've told you if you'd asked.
Oh, really? So it's my fault that I didn't ask if you're a land baron?
What else should I be asking you?
Were you born with a penis? Is this your home planet?
- Okay, now you're being ridiculous. - No.
What I'm being is committed to this relationship.
Really? You're committed?
Yes, and I've jumped through hoops to prove it.
- What hoops? Dancing lessons? - No, not dancing lessons.
Yeah, okay, dancing lessons.
And meeting your mom.
And being nice to your friends, even the ones that don't like me.
And letting you put these pillows on my bed.
- Did I complain about that? - Constantly.
And yet here they are.
With your frilly curtains and your girly lamps.
It's like living inside the I Dream of Jeannie bottle.
I'm supposed to be grateful because you've behaved the way...
...a fianc� is supposed to behave towards the woman he loves?
Oh, yeah, okay, I see. Now you're gonna turn it around on me.
Make me the bad guy.
- Where are you going? - I'm sleeping on the couch.
In my house.
Which you know I own because I bragged about it the first night we met.
- Alan. - What? What's wrong?
Chelsea and I had a fight.
I'm sorry. You wanna talk about it?
I just did. Now go sleep on the couch.
If you had the fight, why do I have to sleep on the couch?
You ever hear of crap rolling uphill?
Get out.
Just using the word "please" would go such a long way with me.
Fair enough. Please get out before I pull your pajama bottoms up so far...
...you'll be wearing your balls as a bolo tie.
There, was that so hard?
I'm sorry for keeping a secret from you.
Is there any way I can make it up to you?
Okay, I would be remiss...
[CHELSEA SCREAMS]
ALAN: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- You let me lay naked on you. - I didn't know it was you.
I thought it was a dream. I didn't know what to say.
And you're so soft and so warm...
[GROANING]
Oh, I deserved that.
- What the hell is going on in here? - Your brother's a pervert!
You woke me up to tell me that?
I came down here to apologize for keeping a secret.
It was dark, and I thought it was you...
...so I laid down naked on him and he let me.
You let Chelsea lie... Wait a minute. You came down to apologize?
Yes.
So you're saying I'm right and you're wrong?
Yes. You're right.
Excuse me, I didn't quite get that.
Do you wanna gloat or do you wanna let me make it up to you?
Make up. I choose make up.
- Then come on. - Right behind you.
You sick freak.
[ALAN SCREAMS]
Still worth it.
Eventually, Alan's bed-wetting stopped.
At least I hope it did for the sake of the honeymoon.
Unless, of course, you're into that kind of thing.
To Alan and Judith.
MAN: Yeah. WOMAN: Yeah.
And now I'd like to introduce the best man...
...although I consider him to be a bitter disappointment...
...Alan's brother, Charlie.
Charlie?
Charles.
CHARLIE: Coming.
What's going on?
You're making a toast to your brother and his bride.
How am I doing?
Make the toast.
Okay.
Can I throw in a word about the bride's sister?
- No. - Got it.
Well, just FYI, that word would've been "nasty."
Don't look at me like that, Judy. Your sister's a freak.
[SINGING] She's a super freak, super freak
She's super freaky Super freak, super freak
Unbelievable.
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]