ALAN: [SINGING] Oh, the weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful
And since we've no place to go
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
Snow, sleet, rain, sun, you've still got no place to go.
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] Which is why I'm grateful for your generosity, Mr. Scrooge.
Speaking of generosity, check out what I got Chelsea.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Diamond earrings. Nice.
Yeah. She dropped a couple of hints about stuff she wanted.
But I wasn't really listening, so I got her these.
How romantic. Will she be joining us for dinner?
I think so. She's out doing some last-minute shopping...
...or something with work. Again, I wasn't really listening.
Why did you mail me a letter?
Oh, I decided to send out a Harper Christmas newsletter.
You know, keep everybody updated on all things Harper.
- You're kidding. - [IN ENGLISH ACCENT] Don't worry, governor.
I didn't mention your ongoing battle with the demon rum.
As this wonderful year Draws to an end
I send this note To family and friend
So thankful are we For blessings galore
Like Charlie's fiancée A lady, not a whore
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Keep reading.
And young Master Jake Is growing like a weed
He makes us all proud Not a waste of my seed
Keep going. Keep going.
He tried his darnedest In every class
And made 10th grade By the skin of his ass
And, see, I put in a little drawing of an elf with his pants down.
What's the matter with you? You're a grown man.
Oh, come on, people love this stuff. Read, read.
And our sweet mother, Evelyn Had a small operation
Her secret garden Needed rejuvenation
- "Secret garden"? - Find a rhyme for "vulva."
I dare you.
And what about the author Of this Christmas poem?
He's healthy and happy In his beautiful home
And while some might argue That he's just a leech
It bothers him not He lives at the beach
"Happy holidays from the happy Harpers."
What do you think?
You're sad, pathetic Lonely and blue
If I gave a rat's ass I'd worry about you
[IMITATING A PIRATE] Expecting rough weather, captain?
What?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] What are you looking at?
- Nothing. - Really?
So the beautiful girls playing volleyball completely escaped your eye?
I see them, you perv.
Little hottie in the tank top is checking you out.
I know. Now, please go away.
Why don't you go talk to her?
- I can't. - Well, why not?
I got a girlfriend.
Oh, buddy, you can't call the posters in your room girlfriends.
No, I'm talking about Celeste. I'm in a committed relationship.
- What are you talking about? You're 13. - I'm 15.
Who cares? You're too young for a committed relationship.
- I'm 40, and I'm barely ready. - You're 42.
What is it with you and numbers?
Let me ask you something. Where is Celeste right now?
Spending Christmas with her mom in Brentwood.
So, what, your life just stops when she's gone?
That's the deal we made.
Listen to me, if you wanna go talk to the beach girl...
...you've got every right to do so.
Are you sure? I don't think so.
Don't worry about it. Just go talk to her.
- Can I borrow 10 bucks? - Why?
If she shoots me down, then I can go buy a couple corn dogs.
She's not gonna shoot you down.
Yeah, but now I got a taste for corn dogs.
- Just go. - What if she wants a corn dog?
She's about to meet one. Now, get out of here.
Do I look okay?
Jake, she waved at you. She smiled. Clearly, her standards aren't that high.
Right. Thanks.
When did I turn 42?
Son of a bitch.
Hey, I'm an organ donor. Good for me.
- Hey, Berta. Merry Christmas. - Thank you, Charlie.
- You're very generous. - Well, I just want you to know...
...that I appreciate your hard work.
And I appreciate you pretending I work hard.
- Hey, you feeling lucky? - What do you got in mind?
My Christmas bonus, double or nothing that Zrbnck makes the field goal.
Are you crazy? That's 52 yards. He hasn't made one that long all year.
- I got a hunch. - And you got a bet.
COMMENTATOR [ON TV]: There's the snap. The kick is up. It's long enough, but wide.
It's no good. Zrbnck's missed another one.
Well, happy birthday, Jesus.
- Told you. - No biggie. Easy come, easy go.
Sorry.
Looks like the grandkids are getting beef jerky and lotto scratchers this year.
Here.
- You're too kind. - Don't mention it.
- You got a big heart. - Thank you.
Double or nothing they don't make first down.
- Hey. - Oh, hey. Where you been?
- Out on the beach. CHARLIE: So?
- How'd it go? JAKE: Fine. I'm getting her a grape soda.
No, no, no, you don't bring the grape soda to her.
- You bring her to the grape soda. - Her who?
Hang on. You bring her here, she sees your beautiful house...
...she thinks you got it going on, and then you got a shot at...
Well, I don't know what you got a shot at, but you got a shot.
- Whoa, whoa, catch me up. - You see what I'm saying?
- So I should bring her here? - Absolutely.
Women love this house. It's an aphrodisiac.
I don't think she's Afro-anything.
- She's more like Chinese. - Wait. Who's Chinese? What's going on?
- He met a girl, and I'm helping him out. - What about Celeste?
Uncle Charlie said my life shouldn't stop just because she's not around.
So you're encouraging my son to cheat on his girlfriend?
There's no cheating going on. Are you cheating?
- I'm not sure. - You're not.
He is. How would you feel if Celeste was flirting with some other guy?
- How do you know she's not? - She's with her mom.
And you're with your dad, but that's not stopping you, is it?
- Good point. - No, no, it's a lousy point.
Relationships are built on trust and mutual respect.
Oh, grow up. Relationships are built on diamond earrings and Viagra.
Now, go take the young lady her grape soda.
I still think it would help if I had some corn-dog money to flash around.
Go.
- Shame on you. - Well, what's the big deal?
It's not like he and Celeste are sleeping together.
No, but once a relationship reaches any physical level...
...there's an implied commitment. - Yeah.
That's because you married the first girl who touched your wiener.
Not true.
The first girl who touched my wiener was Maxine Chernakoff...
...and she refused to marry me.
As did the blind girl at camp, the school nurse...
...and crazy cousin Wendy.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
I hope you're proud of yourself.
I'm more proud of him. I mean, he actually got her back here...
...without hitting her over the head and stuffing her in a burlap sack.
BERTA: Pretty girl. - Yep.
You'd think she'd have more self-esteem.
Hey, Jake may be dull-witted...
...but he has a certain je ne sais quoi with the ladies.
Maybe six years of picking his underwear up with a rake...
...has made me immune to his charms.
- Hey. - Hey.
Nice work talking her into coming back here.
I didn't really talk her into it. She had to pee.
Yeah, but you gave her the grape soda that made it happen.
Now, Jake, you're just hanging out with this girl, right? As friends?
- So far. - What does that mean?
It means I haven't made my move yet.
- What move? - I'm not sure.
That's why I haven't made it yet. I don't think it's gonna get serious.
- She doesn't even live here. - She doesn't?
She's in town for the holidays visiting her aunt.
She pronounced it "aunt," but I figured it out.
Oh, dude, you have hit the jackpot here.
- I have? - This girl is most likely...
...looking for a hot story to tell her friends back home.
And you, you cute little clueless bastard, can be the star of that story.
- Really? - Yeah.
So stop wasting time. What are you doing in here?
I had to fart, and I didn't wanna do it in front of her.
Attaboy. Good thinking.
- I thought it was you. - I thought it was you.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, that must be Mom.
- Mom? What's Mom doing here? - Well, it's Christmas Eve, Charlie.
I know. Why isn't she out stealing toys in Whoville?
Merry Christmas, one and all.
ALAN: Oh, hello. - Hi, Mom.
Boys, this is legendary TV producer Mr. Marty Pepper.
- Hi. - Hello.
Marty, these are my sons, Charlie and Alan.
Is it important which is which?
Not really.
Would you help me with the wheelchair?
I'll call you Scooter, and you Dutch.
- Mom, are you and he? - Oh, good Lord, no.
The man is 1000 years old.
It's a wonder his scrotum doesn't get tangled up in the wheels.
- So he's just a friend? - Yes.
And I just couldn't let him spend Christmas Eve alone...
...rattling around his 25,000-square-foot Beverly Hills mansion...
...with adjoining guesthouse, Olympic-size saltwater pool...
...and home theater.
- There it is. - Are you really this hard up for a listing?
Alan, it's a 60-million-dollar home. My commission will be almost 2 million.
How much did you make last year?
- Welcome to our home, Mr. Pepper. - What are you shouting for?
- I'm incontinent, not deaf. - Sorry.
What?
- Have an Abba-Zaba, Marty. - Thank you.
- Did I ever tell you I knew Lucille Ball? - Yes, you did, dear.
You know, she wasn't a real redhead.
Ask me how I know.
Warning: It's dirty.
I think Celeste knows I'm seeing another woman.
- What? Why? - She's texting me.
- What are you talking about? - Nothing.
Jake has a shot at some out-of-town strange.
You see how he is corrupting your grandson?
Oh, come on, Alan, it's out-of-town strange.
- You really have a shot? - I don't know.
Uncle Charlie seems to think so.
Tell her you wanna get her her own sitcom. Never fails.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
There she is again. What do I do?
Just text her back, "Thinking of you," which you are, so you're not lying.
- That's good. - This may be your house...
...but this is my son. - You've been living here seven years...
...which makes us a common-law couple, which makes him our son.
Homos with a kid! A great idea for a sitcom.
It worked. She wrote back, "Merry Christmas. I miz you."
- Then write back, "I miz you too." - Man, you are good.
Look at that. Our little boy is growing up.
How would you feel about us having another child?
[SINGING] Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring
Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun
Now the jingle hop has begun
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time
Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square
In the frosty air
What a bright time, it's the right time
To rock the night away
Jingle bell time is a swell time
To go gliding in a one-horse sleigh
Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet
Jingle around the clock
- Alan. - Mix and mingle with the jingling feet
- Alan. - That's the jingle bell
- That's the jingle bell... - Alan!
Forty years ago, you asked for a little brother for Christmas.
Happy?
That's the jingle bell rock!
Can somebody move me?
My chestnuts are roasting by this open fire.
Is that you? I thought Alan burned the ham.
Berta, don't you wanna spend Christmas with your family?
Do you wanna spend Christmas with yours?
Let me freshen your drink.
What is that fragrance you're wearing, my dear?
Ben-Gay and foot powder.
Whatever it is, it's making me hot.
Turkey's almost done. Aren't you gonna put on some nice clothes?
Why? It's just gonna be you, me, Chelsea, Berta, Mom...
...and the Ghost of Show Biz Past.
Well, and Jake.
- No. Jake split. - What?
- He's hanging with his new girlfriend. - Where?
Her aunt's house. I think they got the place to themselves...
...so he might get a little, you know, peace on earth tonight.
How do you make everything sound dirty?
Hey, I took the high road.
I could've gone with, "Come, all ye faithful."
- He needs to be home. - Oh, come on, Alan.
- He's got a real shot with that girl. - It's Christmas Eve.
- So? - So if I can't get laid, nobody gets laid.
This is your father. Whatever you're doing, stop it and get your ass home.
- What's he doing? Decking her hall? - Shut up.
No, right now, mister.
Fine, bring her back here if you want.
Yes, there's still pie left.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
What are you looking at?
How would you like to have your own sitcom?
- Hi. Is Jake home? EVELYN: I don't know.
Sorry to intrude, but Celeste wanted to give Jake his Christmas present.
EVELYN: Please come in. - Ah, crap.
Wow, check out the mom.
Forget the mom. Get rid of them before Jake walks in...
...with another girl. - Yeah, yeah. Good idea.
Hi. Hi. I'm Alan, Jake's divorced father.
- Keisha, Celeste's mother. - Her mother?
- Oh, please. You look like her sister. - You're sweet.
And single.
Where's Jake?
- Uh. Um, uh, uh, the... - Actually...
...he's, uh, distributing corn dogs to the homeless tonight.
But we'll make sure he gets your gift.
Thanks for stopping by. Merry Christmas.
- Jake? - Oh, hi.
Who's this?
Um, I don't know.
- Who's she? - Uh, Uncle Charlie?
I don't know what to tell you, pal.
It happens.
- You said you didn't have a girlfriend. - He doesn't.
- Would you like some eggnog? - You've got to be kidding.
- You want some pie? - You are such a liar.
Why all the yelling? What's going on?
- Uncle Charlie just ruined my life. - What?
He said it was okay to see other girls as long as my girlfriend wasn't around.
- Really? Is that what you believe? - No, no, no. Not at all.
He completely misunderstood me. Merry Christmas.
Yeah, right.
Nice going.
Would you like a lick?
Not of that.
- You wanna take your hand off my leg? - I certainly do not.
Love you.
Yeah? Who do you love when I'm not around?
Hey, Uncle Charlie, you really suck, you know that?
Yeah, I've been told.
Listen, Jake, would it be creepy for you if I called Celeste's mom?
Are you insane?
Think about it.
Here you go, sweetie. Bite-size. Easy to chew.
Marty?
God. Marty?
Ha! Just messing with you, you vulture.
She thinks she's gonna sell my house when I'm dead.
But I ain't going.
Oops. Actually, I am going.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]