- Can't believe this is only our second date. - I know.
- I feel like I've known you all my life. - Me too.
I'm assuming you mean that as a good thing.
Absolutely.
You're such an unexpected surprise in my life, Alan.
Thank you.
- Uh, once again, I'm assuming that's good. - Ha, ha. It's great.
- Do you always wear your socks in bed? - Oh, no.
One of my toenails is kind of snaggly. I didn't wanna scratch you with it.
Oh, okay.
Had I known we were going to make love...
...I would've slapped a corn pad on the little bugger.
[THUD]
ELDRIDGE: Mom! - Damn it.
Eldridge, why aren't you with your dad?
ELDRIDGE: Because he's a giant douche.
Don't talk about your father that way.
He's actually a colossal douche.
- Uh, should I go? - No, no, it's fine.
ELDRIDGE: Do we have anything to eat?
- Order a pizza. I've got company. ELDRIDGE: Is it Dave?
- No. ELDRIDGE: Jimmy?
No.
He's just trying to push my buttons.
Yeah, Jake's exactly the same way, always trying to get my goat.
Now, who are Dave and Jimmy?
ELDRIDGE: Please don't tell me you're doing Jake's loser dad.
I'm a divorced mother with a 16-year-old son.
I can't be picky.
Now, shut your pie hole.
ELDRIDGE: I hate you. - I hate you right back.
[DOOR CLOSES]
So where were we?
Um, are you sure you don't wanna spend some time with your son?
I just did.
Fair enough.
Can you tell I got my boobs done?
- Oh, no, they, uh, feel very natural. - Oh, good.
That kid absolutely ruined the first set.
Same thing happened to my ex-wife. By the time Jake got through with them...
...they looked like a couple of windsocks on a quiet day.
Oh, just, uh... Just FYI, I'm all original equipment.
LYNDSEY: Ah.
Aside from, you know, a little anal bleaching.
What?
Oh, it was an accident. I, uh, sat on a Clorox bottle by mistake.
- Story for another day. - Okay.
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING NEARBY]
Eldridge, turn down the freaking music!
ELDRIDGE: Yeah, well, I don't wanna hear you have sex!
Then put on your headphones! That's why I bought them for you!
[MUSIC STOPS]
That's better.
Come here.
Something wrong?
- Oh, no, no. Everything's great. - Are you sure?
Because your toenail's the only thing poking me right now.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a little distracted.
Let me undistract you.
[DRUM MUSIC PLAYING NEARBY]
Ugh. Son of a bitch.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Hang in there.
We've practiced for this.
[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN" THEME]
[PLAYING JONI MITCHELL'S "CHELSEA MORNING" ON PIANO]
[SINGING] Woke up, it was a Chelsea morning
And the first thing that I heard
Was a song outside my window
And the traffic wrote the words
Oh, give it a rest.
I miss Chelsea.
Hey, I miss the '80s...
...but you don't see me snorting blow off a DeLorean.
I know he's grounded, Judith...
...but why can't he be grounded at your house?
Well, I have a life too.
Yes, I do.
Since now.
Okay, I'll tell you the truth.
I've got a new girlfriend, and she only gets off one night a week and...
Why is that funny?
Oh. Ha, ha.
That's the pot calling the kettle nonorgasmic, don't you think?
Hello? Hello? Ugh.
Well, have a nice day, you miserable bitch.
Oh, you're still here? Uh... Have a good weekend.
You know, Zippy, you remind me of a blind cat I used to have.
Bumping into walls, stepping in his water dish.
He was a hoot. I called him Magoo.
- Cute. - No, he was ugly too.
Oh, hey, Charlie, uh, you gonna be home tonight?
- Why? BERTA [MOUTHS]: No.
No.
I've got a romantic night planned but need somebody to keep an eye on Jake.
- He's grounded. - I got a better idea.
Open the door and leave a trail of hamburgers...
...to the Army recruiting office.
Everybody wins but America.
Hey, uh, Berta, would you do me a favor?
Oh, Magoo, always walking into walls.
[YELLS]
Where you going?
I told you. I've got a date.
And I told you I'm not responsible for your kid.
You don't have to be responsible for him. Just let him see you.
You know, the illusion of adult supervision.
No, no, no. I got plans of my own. If you're gonna go, take your kid with you.
Please, Charlie, I booked a beautiful hotel room.
I put it on a credit card, so there's no refund.
What do you mean, "a credit card"?
I'll pay you back, I swear.
Come on, it's just for one night. I don't ask for much.
Don't ask for much? You're a human tip jar.
I am begging you.
I already took the Cialis.
Please don't make me stay home with a boner.
You were gonna make me stay home with a boner.
Okay, think about this. If it works out with me and Lyndsey...
...I might be able to move out of your house and into hers.
Don't do that, Alan. Don't toy with my heart.
All right, all right, tell you what.
Go tell Jake to pack a bag. I'll drop him off at his mom's.
Now you're making sense.
ALAN: Sorry, sorry, sorry!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
- This isn't over! ALAN: Sorry!
All right, here's the deal.
I got someone coming over, so I need you to make yourself scarce.
- Are you back with Chelsea? - No, I'm not back with Chelsea.
- So, what's this new girl's name? - I don't know. Jasmine, Jade.
I asked for Asian.
Who'd you ask?
Nobody.
- Just get out of here for the night. - I'm grounded.
Hey, hey, hey. I don't burden you with my problems.
Hey, Eldridge. My uncle's horny. I'll meet you at the pier.
This is fun, huh?
Sneaking off to a hotel room like a couple of horny teenagers.
Of course, I never had enough money as a teenager to afford a hotel room.
My first time was on a miniature-golf course.
Inside the windmill.
No kidding. Did you get a hole in one?
[CHUCKLES]
Uh, well, actually, a hole in two.
I lost the first one taking the putter out of the bag.
[CHUCKLES]
- So, uh, where was your first time? - Backstage at a Police concert.
- Oh. Sting. - Little bit.
Can we stop at the drugstore?
Oh, uh, don't worry, I bought enough condoms to golf our brains out.
No, actually, I have to get some tampons.
Oh. Oh, you mean for just in case, right?
- Afraid not. Sorry. - Oh, no, no, don't be silly.
Uh, this is more about us spending quality time together than anything else.
I'm glad you feel that way.
Nevertheless, I do have a plan B.
Oh, what's that?
Plan B, Alan. It goes with my plan J.
Oh.
Yay.
[LYNDSEY CHUCKLES]
NEWSMAN [ON TV]: ... central bank on Wednesday kept interest rates unchanged.
So, Charlie, how can I make you happy?
What are my choices?
Well, you paid for the full girlfriend experience...
...so anything you want.
Anything I want. I like that.
Okay.
Read this magazine...
...while I watch SportsCenter.
I want the girlfriend experience.
- That's what my girlfriend used to do. - Okay.
And every once in a while...
...look at me and sigh while rolling your eyes.
Oh, baby, that's what Daddy likes.
[LYNDSEY GROANS]
Cramps, huh?
LYNDSEY: No, I'm having another child.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, not that I'm complaining, but don't you gals...
...circle this time of the month on the calendar?
LYNDSEY: It's not an exact science, Alan.
Ugh. For God's sake, it's like the horse-head scene in The Godfather.
Could be worse.
Could be the prom scene from Carrie.
LYNDSEY: That's not funny. - Sorry.
Uh, tell you what, I will call for some room service.
Any special requests? Maybe some champagne?
LYNDSEY: Sure, whatever.
Well, your wish is my command.
Uh, hello. Hi, yeah, this is Dr. Alan Harper. I'm in Room 710.
And I would like a bottle of your best champagne.
Oh, really?
You don't have anything more expensive?
All right, it'll have to do.
Also, I would like some fresh strawberries...
...and a dozen bluepoint oysters.
Well, find some.
This is a special evening, and I will spare no expense.
Thank you.
LYNDSEY: Hey, Alan? - Uh, yes, my sweet?
- Can you hand me my purse? - Oh, sure.
- Incoming. - Ow!
Sorry.
LYNDSEY: We're in luck. - Oh, we are?
LYNDSEY: I've still got a couple of Vicodin I stole from my son.
- You stole drugs from your son? - It's only fair. He stole my youth.
Alrighty.
[IN DISGUISED VOICE] Room service.
Oh. That was quick. Ha, ha.
All right, well, we've circled back around to hockey scores, so...
...time for sex.
Okay. And what kind of sex does Charlie want?
Oh.
Hard to pick.
It's kind of like Baskin-Robbins.
You know, if they charged a thousand dollars a scoop.
And sprinkles are way extra.
Well, I guess if I have to choose, my favorite kind of sex is make-up sex.
You're kidding.
No, it's great. Here's how we do it.
I will do or say something that will really irritate you.
I can imagine that happening.
Then we'll have an argument, which will escalate into a fight.
You'll sulk. I'll pout. Then after a couple of minutes...
...we'll realize we're being silly...
...and how lucky we are to have each other.
Then I will take you in my arms and we'll hump our brains out.
Fine. How do we start?
Let me think. All right.
Go in the bathroom and look in the sink.
What?
Just do it. Trust me.
JASMINE: Oh, God, it's disgusting.
Good, go with that.
Would it kill you to rinse out the sink after you shave?
- Sorry. - All right, I forgive you.
No, no, no. Not yet.
Make me work for it.
Okay.
Damn it, Charlie, you're the most thoughtless man in the world.
Oh, come on, I'll rinse out the sink when I brush my teeth.
You haven't brushed your teeth yet? What kind of a pig are you?
Nice touch.
Remember, you're not mad about the whiskers.
You're mad because I don't listen, I don't like your friends...
...I said snide things about your mother. - Yeah.
When do we get to humping our brains out?
Oh, pfft, we're not even close. This goes on for hours.
[CHARLIE CLEARS THROAT]
Take this and pretend like you're working.
Oh, sweetie, I don't have to pretend.
How would you feel about slapping some greasy skin cream all over your face?
Where you going with this?
I'm just talking skin cream.
What do you think, I'm some kind of freak?
Okay, but I'm not that kind of freak.
[BELCHES]
Whoa.
That's gonna attract seagulls.
[DOOR OPENS AND LYNDSEY SIGHS]
Okay, let's get this over with.
Don't you wanna have some champagne and oysters?
No, I do this better on an empty stomach.
By the way, um, I'm a little foggy from the Vicodin...
...so if I fall asleep in the middle, just give me a little tap on the shoulder.
- Okay. - Come here.
- You're a good kisser, Alan. - Thank you.
Better than my ex-husband.
Oh. Well, good for me.
Course, he made up for it below the waist...
...if you know what I mean.
He had big feet?
Three of them, but only two wore shoes.
Lucky you.
Oh, don't worry, size doesn't matter to me.
Good to know.
In fact, in this situation, the smaller the better.
Um...
...you're welcome?
[GURGLING]
- What the hell was that? - Um, I don't know.
Maybe the strawberries are fighting with the oysters.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[GURGLING]
- Uh-oh. - What?
I think the oysters are making a break for it. Excuse me.
- Are you gonna throw up? - I wish.
You might wanna turn the TV on. Loud.
Why?
ALAN: You don't wanna hear what's about to happen.
[ALAN YELLS]
[SINGING] Oklahoma, where the wind comes
Sweeping down the plain
And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet When the wind comes...
All right, one grilled cheese with avocado and bacon, extra crispy.
Oh, thank you, honey.
You realize that bacon's gonna kill you.
- I know. - You say you know...
...but you keep eating it.
Oh, come on, don't nag.
I'm not nagging. I'm concerned about you.
- Fine. Fine, I'll take the bacon off. - Don't do me any favors.
No, no, no. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. See?
- Who's that? - Just the kid. Jake, get in here.
We have a kid? You didn't say anything about a kid.
- He's not ours. He's my brother's. - So, what's my part in this scenario?
You don't think I'm a good role model...
...yet, paradoxically, you still wanna have children with me.
What?
Did you go out even though you were grounded?
You told me to.
- Don't look at me like that. He's lying. - I'm not lying.
And I'm not looking at you.
All right, all right, enough.
Young man, go to your room and think about what you've done.
Whatever.
I think we handled that really well. Tough love, but I'm still the cool uncle.
Hey, if you're happy, I'm happy.
I'm very happy. In fact, are you free tomorrow?
I'm never free, but I'm available.
Well, great.
How about you drag me to some boring museum so I can miss the Laker game?
It's your money. Is it okay if I go take a shower?
- Sure. I'll be up in a bit. - Okay.
[SIGHS]
Still cheaper than getting married.
Alrighty, here we are.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
[LYNDSEY SIGHS]
Believe it or not, I actually had a good time.
- Really? - Well, yeah.
Nice hotel, room service, no teenagers.
I'm glad.
So shall we try it again?
In, you know, five or six days?
I would like that.
Okay, uh, I don't mean to rush you...
...but I really have to go home to my bathroom.
Wanna use mine?
Uh, no, no, that wouldn't be good for our relationship.
- All right. Well, bye. - Seriously, get out of the car.
[ALAN YELLS]
[SINGING] Oklahoma, where the wind...
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]