I've been looking forward to this all year:
Giving you people the bird.
Looks great, Berta. What's your secret?
I bought it pre-cooked from the back of a truck.
I don't know that I'd trust the stuffing.
[GLASS CLINKING]
I'd like to make a little Thanksgiving toast.
You don't hear me say it often...
but I really am thankful for every one of you.
I've never heard you say that. You ever hear him say that?
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
Anyway, there comes a time in a man's life...
when he realizes there's nothing more important than family.
Is he dying?
Probably just drunk.
And you know why family's so important?
- Designated driver? - Liver match?
- Bail money? - Prescription medication to steal?
Would you please let me continue?
Family is important because no matter what happens...
they are the people who are there for you.
Good times, bad times, it doesn't matter.
Blood is thicker than water.
I just want you to know that I love you all.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get that.
Plowed.
Hi, stranger.
Courtney? I thought you were in prison.
I was, but I'm out.
Wanna go to Vegas?
You crazy? I'm in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner with my family.
Last time we were together you kind of ripped me off.
I haven't had sex in three years.
Goodbye, everybody.
[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN" THEME]
COURTNEY & CHARLIE [SINGING]: Viva Las Vegas
Chucka, chucka, chucka
Viva Las Vegas
Chucka, chucka, chucka
Viva, viva Las Vegas
[COURTNEY & CHARLIE LAUGHING]
Hey, Alan, guess where we've been.
Las Vegas?
Viva.
I won $20,000.
- And look what he bought me. - Wow.
Thirty grand.
So you're down $10,000?
I won a bundle at the roulette table betting the color of her underwear.
Red or black?
Double zero.
What color is that?
Ass cheeks.
Hey, what happened to your eye?
- Oh, ha, ha. - Ha, ha.
Yeah, little accident.
We were getting kind of frisky in the tub and I fell face first onto a Jacuzzi nozzle.
Me too, except it wasn't my face and it wasn't an accident.
Good news is we're both really clean.
Inside and out.
Shall we go upstairs and get dirty again?
- Right behind you. - What else is new?
- Um... Uh, Charlie? CHARLIE: I'll be up in a minute.
The trick is to keep it up.
- What? - I'm just a little concerned...
Oh, I almost forgot.
- I got you a little something. - Oh, you didn't have to.
Here you go.
You can't just buy those. You gotta have them specially made.
Makes more sense for me to be wearing it.
- Charlie, hold on. - Ahh. Now what?
Do you think it's a good idea to be starting back in with Courtney?
- I just had the best three days of my life. - Okay, but it just seems...
Have you ever had a woman give you Japanese rain goggles?
I've never even heard of that.
Neither had I until last night, and now I don't know how I lived without them.
[WHISPERS] I'm saying, we're talking about a convicted felon...
who seems to have expensive tastes.
Yeah, what's your point?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] You don't care about anything else...
as long as you get to indulge your depraved appetites?
Still waiting for a point, Alan.
Jake, wanna go to a movie?
[BED THUMPING FROM ABOVE]
Jake?
What are you doing?
Resting.
I guess you're wondering what's going on up there.
Not really.
Well, I just want you to know there's more to it than what you're hearing now.
I know. They've been going at it all afternoon.
No. What I mean is...
A couple of times I thought somebody was gonna die.
What I'm trying to say is...
I didn't know human beings could make those sounds.
Okay, what I'm saying is...
there's more to a healthy, fulfilling relationship than sex.
CHARLIE: Oh, yeah, baby, right there. That's what I'm talking about.
Like, uh, mutual responsibility, mutual respect.
COURTNEY: I'm a slut, I'm a dirty little slut.
Taking care of each other.
CHARLIE: Now do the rain goggles.
Sharing things.
CHARLIE: Arigato.
- Dad? - Yeah?
Get out.
Good talk.
- Morning. - Morning.
Dean Martin and the Golddigger keep you up again last night?
He's lost his mind, Berta.
All he does is have sex and spend money on her.
Sometimes he spends money on her while he's having sex.
How's that?
I picked up the phone...
and accidently overheard a very disturbing call to QVC.
Pearl necklace. I'll say no more.
- Morning. BERTA: Morning.
ALAN: Morning. - Nice shirt.
It's not too subtle, is it?
Something wrong with your arm?
I'm not sure.
I think I pinched a nerve last night reaching around...
trying to scratch Courtney's back.
- Her back? - Trying to be delicate here, Alan.
And God knows we appreciate it.
Good morning, everyone.
BERTA & ALAN: Morning. - Morning, baby.
COURTNEY: Hmm.
- Car keys? - Ah.
Credit card?
- Kiss? See you. - Mwah.
Have fun.
"Have fun"?
You gave her the keys to your Mercedes and an unlimited credit card.
Yeah, so? That's fun.
Can't you see she's using you?
You should have seen the way she used me last night.
In fact, you can.
Oh, no, no.
No, I don't...
I just don't wanna see you get played by her again.
Relax, I know what I'm doing.
I'm having fun, she's having fun, nobody's getting hurt.
You have a black eye and a dead arm.
Obviously, we have different definitions of fun.
[SIGHS]
What is wrong with him?
Classic case of vajayjay fever.
Colorfully put. I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
Sooner or later, all men fall for it.
How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
You have a condo in Palm Springs?
No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by.
You caught me at a bad time, darling, I was just going out.
- Well, I'm sorry, but I have a problem. - Just the one?
It's about Charlie.
Sweetheart, you have been sponging off him for eight years.
You've got to expect a little abuse.
No, it's not that. I'm worried about Charlie and Courtney.
I really think she's taking advantage of him.
Uh-huh. What are you worried about?
Well, I just said, Charlie could lose everything.
Oh, I see. Well, I understand your concern.
- Thank you. - It's not like you could move in here.
Oh, no, no, I'm not just worried about me...
Wait, you used to beg me to move in with Jake.
That's when Jake was cute and I still had a bit of hope left for you.
- Okay, well, anyway... - Alan, your brother is a grown man.
I'm sure he can take care of himself.
I'm not sure. You should see the way she's sucking him dry.
I should hope so.
- Mom. - Alan.
There's not much you can do...
when a grasping, greedy woman sinks her claws into a vulnerable man.
Marty, I'm leaving.
Come kiss me goodbye.
Come here, hot stuff. Give me some tongue.
Marty, my son Alan is here.
- You've met Alan. - The fruit bowl?
No tongue for you.
Cupcake, I need your credit card.
The usual place.
Oh, you bad boy.
Dig a little deeper.
There's a hole in this pocket.
Ha, ha. Keep going.
Surprise.
[MARTY LAUGHS]
Well, how nice for you, but I got to run.
Oh, damn, I worked on it all morning.
You know what? I'll just go. Nice to see you, Mr. Pepper.
Mr. Pepper was my father.
Just call me "the guy banging your mother."
I think I'll stick with Mr. Pepper. Bye, Mom.
Bye, dear.
Anything you need before I go?
Yes. Uh...
Check my pocket again.
Hey, boys.
- Hi. - Hi.
What's all this stuff?
Okay, here's the red one.
What do you guys think?
Oh...
The yellow one's better, right?
I'm not sure. What do you think, Eldridge?
I think we need to see the yellow one again.
Okay, okay, guys, guys, I'd like to talk to Courtney.
JAKE: Go ahead. - Pretend we're not here.
Okay, let me put it another way.
Get out.
- Bye, Courtney. - Bye.
- Bye, fellas. - Thanks again for inviting me over.
Was I lying?
So, what do you want to talk about?
Uh, well, the thing is...
Are my boobs even?
Even, what?
Well, I just wanna make sure one's not popping out...
more than the other.
Oh, no, no. They're both, uh, popping just...
Fine.
- Great. - Hmm.
- So? - Huh?
What do you wanna talk about?
Oh, yeah. I wanted to talk about Charlie.
What about him?
I don't know if you're aware...
but he went through a bad break-up, and he may not look like it...
but he's in a vulnerable place now.
And you think I'm taking advantage of him?
Well, aren't you?
Look, I know what you must think of me.
Based on some of the stupid things I've done, I don't blame you...
but, Alan, I've changed.
What about all this stuff?
He likes buying me things. Makes him happy.
Believe me, the money is fun but it's Charlie I care about.
- Really? - Really.
Okay, then. Thank you, I feel better now.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hey, beautiful, you ready to go?
COURTNEY: Yeah, let me just grab my purse.
Oh. Alan, James. James, Alan.
- Hey. - Hey.
He's my brother.
He was adopted.
Yeah, I remain skeptical.
ALAN: Charlie? - In here.
- What happened to your foot? - Broke my toe.
- Oh, jeez. - Serves me right.
Trying to walk around in Courtney's high heels with one good arm.
Why were you wearing her shoes?
Because they matched her underwear. Duh.
Okay.
Whatever.
I thought you might wanna know that Courtney left...
with a handsome, young African-American fellow.
Yeah, her brother James.
And you're buying that?
People have a hard time believing you're my brother.
Including me, by the way, and Mom.
All right, I'm just gonna say this.
I don't think you should trust Courtney. She's trouble.
Well, yeah, she's trouble, that's why I love her.
You love her?
Of course I love her.
Courtney is the woman I'm meant to be with.
Everything in my life up till now, all the women...
they've been leading me to her.
I would've guessed they were leading you more to a clinic, but go ahead.
Remember how down I was when Chelsea dumped me?
And when Rose got married?
All of that was necessary in order for me to get back to Courtney.
It was also necessary for Courtney to make early parole.
Exactly, this was meant to happen.
Don't you see it, Alan? Courtney is the kind of woman I need.
She's non-judgmental, free-spirited, open-minded...
- Double-jointed? - Triple.
And she can pick up a dime with her butt cheeks.
Just do me a favor and take it slow.
Give it time before you do something stupid that you can't undo.
Don't worry, I won't.
Good.
Oh, guess what.
While we were in Vegas, I got a tattoo.
Oh, please don't tell me you got her name put on you.
Look.
"Get out of my house."
The tattoo is temporary, but the sentiment is forever.
You're kidding? Now he's broken his toe?
This relationship goes on longer, he's gonna run out of parts.
Don't be such a sourpuss.
Courtney's a terrific girl and Charlie's happy as a clam.
Wait a second, you never liked Courtney.
People change. People grow.
People buy expensive gifts for the housekeeper.
- She bought you that? - And the purse and the sunglasses.
Ciao, bello.
COURTNEY: That's it, I am out of here.
CHARLIE: Fine by me.
You're nothing but a selfish son of a bitch.
- And you're a gold digger. - Oh. Go to hell.
I'd meet you there but they don't take credit cards.
Problem?
She was trying to use me, Alan.
Really? I'm stunned.
I still like her.
You know what she wanted me to do?
She actually found something you didn't want to do?
She wanted me to give her money to pay her brother's rent.
I said, hey, I've already got one brother leeching off me, right?
Right.
This one doesn't have a job. At least you pretend to be a chiropractor.
Well, I have my pride.
That's it for me. No more meaningful relationships.
I'm gonna stick with the honesty and integrity...
of the traditional hooker-john arrangement.
Sometimes the old ways are best.
Glad you came to your senses about Courtney...
and I just wanna say, I'm always here for you.
- Never doubted that. - Thank you.
Wasn't a compliment.
My point was, I think you've made the right decision.
- I have, haven't I? - Of course you have.
I mean, for God's sake, look what she did to you. Heh.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I gotta get her back.
- Charlie? - No...
Charlie?
Oh, God.
Are you okay?
CHARLIE: I'm not sure.
[CHARLIE GROANS]
How bad is it?
It's fine.
[VOMITS]
I ain't cleaning that up.
You're a very lucky guy, Charlie.
I ran through a plate-glass window and you puked in my piano.
How is that lucky?
You could have bled to death and I could've vomited on my suede shoes.
Those are my shoes.
Which is why you're lucky.
Hey, Alan.
At the moment, I'm not in your house.
I'm going to look at this as a wake-up call.
Good, good.
- Courtney is bad news. - I've been telling you.
You were right, I was blind.
Hard to see the truth when you're wearing Japanese rain goggles.
I Googled the goggles.
COURTNEY: Charlie?
Courtney. What are you doing here?
I went back to apologize, there was blood everywhere.
I tried every hospital trying to find you. Are you all right?
Not really.
Um, Courtney, I think Charlie has something to tell you.
What?
Go ahead, Charlie.
I love you, Courtney.
I love you too.
Ow, ow, ow. Don't stop.
Ow, ow, ow.
Don't stop.
[English - US - SDH]