Previously on Two and a Half Men...
Excuse me, do you know the difference
between "organic beef" and "grass-fed beef"?
She was totally hitting on you.
You should ask her out.
Hey, Zoey, you want to on a date with me?!
Sure!
When I was in high school, I met this girl named Bridget.
You're still in love with her, aren't you?
See, look. No wedding ring.
Hmm, I noticed the bright white tan line.
No worries. I gave it to Alan.
Oh... very valuable.
You seem like a really sweet guy,
but I think you're still kind of married to your Bridget.
Face it, you're not ready to be dating yet.
You want your ring back?
Yeah.
I don't need this anymore.
You sure?
I'm positive.
My precious! My precious!
My precious!
Mind if I take this?
Oh, uh, no-- somebody's sitting there.
Well, where are they?
They're not here yet.
Well, I'm here and I need a chair.
No, uh...
honestly, I have a girl coming.
Well, when she gets here, I'll give it back to her.
See, I don't believe that.
You calling me a liar?
No, but I've been burnt before.
I'm taking this chair.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am. Let go!
You let go of the chair.
I had the chair before you even came into the place.
- It's mine now! - It's my chair now!
Walden, is everything all right?
Ha! She's here. Now back off!
What was that all about?
It was an attempt at a chairjacking.
Here, I get you a tea.
Thank you. I'm sorry I'm late.
I'm trying to get my daughter into Bellwood Academy.
It's a nightmare.
She tests well, but she did not give a good interview.
How old is your daughter again?
Five.
And Bellwood Academy is a...? Kindergarten.
Wow, when I was five, I got kicked out of preschool
for biting my teacher.
Why did you bite her?
She tried to steal my chair.
Yeah, you heard me! I bit her!
She had to get a shot!
Take it easy, okay?
So I was rather surprised
to hear from you. What's up?
I was thinking a lot about what you said about not wanting
to date me while I was still, you know,
emotionally attached to my ex-wife.
I said you were still hopelessly in love with her.
Potato, Po-tah-to.
The point is you were right.
I wasn't ready to start dating, but I am now.
A whole week later.
I understand your skepticism.
Which is why I want you to witness what I'm about to do.
These...
are my final divorce papers.
And once I sign them, my marriage will be over forever.
I was hoping that you and I could start fresh.
Nothing like starting off a new relationship
on the ashes of the old one.
That's what I was thinking.
Oh, uh, you got a pen?
Uh, I don't think I do.
Okay.
Uh, does anybody got a pen I can borrow?
Anyone? Nobody?
Excuse me.
Do you got a pen?
Sorry.
It's unbelievable.
Oh, man.
Can I please borrow your pen?
I'm sorry, someone's using it.
Who?
They're not here yet.
I will give you a hundred dollars to borrow that pen.
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪
Jolly good sunset, eh, what?
Excuse me?
I like the way you talk,
so I thought I'd give it a go.
Well, no one says "jolly good" unless they're appearing in
a revival of Oliver.
Right, right, right, right, right, right.
Please, sir, may I have a kiss?
Stop it!
No, seriously, I want a kiss.
All right.
- Mm. So... - Hmm?
would you like to stay for dinner tonight?
Oh, I'd love to, but I have to pick up my daughter.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
- How about dinner this weekend? - Sure.
Great. You like Mexican food?
I do.
Ooh, terrific.
So we'll go to Guadalajara.
Oh, that a new restaurant?
No, it's an old city in Mexico.
You want to go to Mexico for dinner?
Yep. We'll take my plane.
I'll have you back by midnight.
So, hang on-- you-you don't own a pen,
but you own a plane?
Yeah, you can always borrow a pen.
Try to borrow a plane.
- So... - Mm?
what do you say?
Hmm... Let me see if I can get a sitter.
Oh!
Yay!
- Mm-hmm. - You know, I think we should
start making plans for Christmas.
We can go surfing in Fiji, skiing in the Alps,
making out in Malibu.
Yes, now, Walden, let's be very clear:
You are a sweet and wonderful guy,
but you've just come out
of a very long-term relationship, - Sweet and wonderful.
so you're clearly on the rebound.
Uh-huh. So?
Yes. So I don't know
if we should be making Christmas plans just yet.
- Okay. - Hmm?
Fine. We'll slow things down.
Good.
Forget Christmas.
Thank you.
You'll be my Valentine, though, right?
Oh, my God.
You're like no man I've ever met.
Mmm! A bit of an odd bloke, eh, what?
Oh, God, stop it.
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more.
This is nice. Like old times.
How so?
You and me, sitting here, watching TV
while the good-looking owner of the house is
out on the deck swapping spit with a hot chick.
Yeah, there is a bit of deja vu.
Not only that.
It feels like it's happened before.
Yes, it does.
Man, I've seen so much crazy stuff in this house,
I could write a book.
That's a good idea. Got a title?
Hmm...
Maybe I can't write a book.
All right then, cheerio!
Cheerio?
Means "good-bye" in England.
Oh.
What do they have for breakfast over there,
a bowl of good-byes?
- 'Ello, lads. - Well, hey.
So, Zoey seems very nice.
Yeah, the bird really tickles my fancy.
Help me out here.
Is "fancy" the English word for "nutsack"?
No, it means that I like her.
I think this could get serious.
Wow, you're moving pretty quick, aren't you?
That's what she said.
What are you laughing at?
He did a "That's what she said" joke.
Because that's what she said.
Oh. That's not funny.
She thinks I'm on the rebound.
Well, aren't you?
You were with Bridget for 15 years.
That's over. I signed the divorce papers.
I'm ready to fall in love again.
Please tell me you didn't actually say that to her.
Why?
Dude, even I know that's wrong.
Walden, you're young, you're rich, you're handsome.
If I was even one of those things
I would have screwed myself to death years ago.
Well, I want to be in a relationship...
with romance and intimacy and commitment.
Oh, I get it. You're a chick.
Jake, we're living in his house.
A very nice chick.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
You don't have to wear the hat if you don't want to.
It's not the hat. Well, it's not totally the hat.
It's the incredible extravagance.
You do realize I'm still not ready to sleep with you, yes?
Oh, I'm not trying to have sex with you.
Why not? What's wrong with me?
Nothing. Why? Do you want to have sex with me?
Yeah! No! No, it's too soon. It's too soon.
Well, is it too soon...
for this?
Oh, God, Walden, what have you done?
What do you think?
I think you're out of your bloody mind.
I can't accept this.
Why not?
Because it's too much.
It's crazy!
What about getting a diamond necklace for a girl
you've haven't slept with yet
while flying to Mexico for dinner
on your private jet is crazy?
Okay, when I say it out loud
it does sound a little crazy.
Good thing I didn't get you the matching tiara.
Okay, uh, there might be one other thing.
Oh, God, you didn't buy me a pony, did you?
No. Why, do you want one?
No, I don't.
The thing is, I know some people
on the board of the private school
you're trying to get your daughter in,
so I pulled some strings and got her enrolled.
Wait-- you got Ava into Bellwood?
But don't worry, one phone call and she's out on her ass.
No, don't do that!
Walden, this is wonderful!
You're not upset?
No! No, no, no.
What you did is brilliant.
Mm! Utterly brilliant.
Mr. Schmidt, we'll be descending
into Guadalajara in a few minutes.
Circle, circle!
Excuse me?
He's about to descend into London.
Hello, Heathrow!
Oh, God, that is not funny.
What a lovely landing strip.
♪ Men. ♪
- Morning. - Morning.
Want to explain the hat?
It's not a hat, it's a sombrero.
"Sombrero" is Spanish for "hat""
Really? Seems awfully complicated.
Why don't they just call it a hat?
No, not worth it.
- Morning. - Morning.
Cameron Diaz, señor.
- Cameron Diaz? - Choose your battles.
Right.
So, how'd it go last night?
It was great.
I think I'm falling in love.
Oh, Walden, that's muy grande chiquita.
Hey, man...
I really don't appreciate you making fun of me.
Sorry.
I'll get it.
Who knew he spoke Spanish?
♪ Zoey, Zoey, Zoey, Zoe, Zoey... ♪
Bridget.
I can't sign the divorce papers.
I love you and I want you back.
Oh, bollocks.
♪ Men. ♪
Wait... whoa, whoa, wait, I...
I don't understand.
You're the one who wanted the divorce.
I know-- I thought it's what I wanted,
but when I saw your name on the papers,
I just, I couldn't sign.
Ay, Chihuahua.
Stop it.
Sorry, it's the hat.
Is everything okay? You don't look happy.
Yeah, no, yeah, it's great.
I just...
What about that doctor you were dating?
Alex?
I saw him. He's a dreamboat.
The truth is, he was just a rebound thing.
Yeah, but rebounds work out sometimes.
I mean, take Abe Lincoln.
He met his wife on a rebound,
and, and they had a long-term relationship.
Until, you know...
Hm... I didn't know Abe Lincoln killed himself.
How many rebounds have you had since we broke up?
Well...
It's a trap, don't answer.
None that meant anything.
Yes!
I mean, I haven't exactly been celibate.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no! - But I haven't been a slut, either.
Attaboy.
Come on, let's go upstairs.
- Really? - Don't you want to?
Well, yeah, I want to.
I just, I-I...shouldn't we be taking it slow?
We've been married for 15 years, Walden.
Come on.
Okay.
- Hello. - Hey.
Hi.
It's very weird that you live with these people.
So what's he gonna do about Zoey?
Well, unless I miss my guess,
he's gonna lie to both of them until it blows up in his face,
and everyone gets their feelings hurt,
and he's left alone and miserable.
Wow. That sucks. Isn't there a better way to
date two women at the same time?
Aw, Jake...
No.
I want you so badly.
Yeah, yep, I, uh...
...want you too. I was such a fool.
I can't believe I let someone as great as you get away.
Wait, you said I was immature.
You are, but that's part of your charm.
I love you, Walden.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
That is awesome.
Uh...
Just... okay, okay, well...
Can we just hold on for one second?
- Where are you going? - Uh, the bathroom.
Why don't you just use that one?
I'm a little pee shy.
I don't want you to hear me.
Since when?
It's a new thing.
People change, Bridget, people grow.
Do you think you and Mom would ever get back together?
Well, you know I will always care for your mother.
She's a terrific lady, and a great mom,
and no one can predict the future...
but no freakin' way.
She said the same thing.
But used a different word than "freakin'."
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey.
Everything all right?
Uh, no. As Zoey would say,
I'm in a bit of a sticky wicket.
You mean you were in a sticky wicket,
then you finished up and came down here for a snack.
No, no, I-I have a conundrum.
Then you should've worn it.
Might've avoided the stickiness, you know, wicket-wise.
Okay, I'm just going to talk to you.
Please.
I've been dreaming about getting back together with Bridget
for months now, but since I met Zoey, I'm not so sure.
- It is a pickle. - What's a pickle?
Shh.
What does your heart tell you?
My heart tells me that
Bridget is the past, and Zoey is the future.
Oh, I get it. You're trying to figure out
which one gets your pickle.
Essentially, yes.
Well, then, I say follow your heart.
I say follow your pickle.
Try to ignore him.
I've been with Bridget for 15 years.
That's tough to just walk away from.
But as you said yourself, Bridget's the past.
Yeah, but if I get back together with her,
I don't have to give up $600 million
in a divorce settlement.
The future's overrated. Go with Bridget.
I mean, it does make sense, right? All I'd have to do
is sell this place and move back in with her.
You can't live your life in the past.
- Go with Zoey. - You think?
I do. And I don't have a horse in this race.
No, you're right.
Zoey it is.
Thank you, Alan.
Cheerios!
You have no shame, do you?
Shame, no.
Malibu beach house, yes.
Welcome back.
Oh, boy.
Bridget, I can't remember--
do you like your Band-Aids taken off quick or slow?
I don't understand.
Let's just go with quick.
I don't think it's a good idea to sleep with you,
since I started seeing someone new
and I think she might be the real deal.
Not that you weren't the real deal,
you're just the ex-real deal,
and she's the next real deal.
Anyway, I'd like for you you to sign the divorce papers,
so we can both go meet people we like better.
- What? - Friends?
- I am so humiliated! - I'm sorry!
I can't believe you waited till I was half naked in your bed
to tell me you were seeing someone else!
Kind of hard to bring up while you're taking off my pants.
And by the way, you look sensational.
The Pilates is really paying off.
Go to hell, you son of a bitch!
How about an "attaboy" for not
having sex with you out of respect for the other woman
I'm falling in love with?
Drop dead!
How many times have we seen this movie?
Too many to count.
Maybe it's the house.
- What do you mean? - I think it's haunted.
Like, built on an angry woman burial ground.
Certainly can't be the fault of the men who live in it.
Sometimes at night, if I'm really quiet,
I think I can hear them bitching.
That didn't go as well as I'd hoped.
I wouldn't worry about it.
She doesn't look like the type to carry a grudge.
But I don't know her like you do.
Haunted...
♪ Men. ♪
So the madam of the brothel opens the door
and there's a man on the stoop with no arms and no legs.
And she says, "What do you think you're going to do here?"
And he says, "I rang the bell, didn't I?"
You're terrible.
Did he break your heart?
Who are you?
That doesn't matter.
Do you want him back, or do you want him to suffer?
I don't know.
That's all right.
Oftentimes, they're the same thing.
Come with me, and I'll teach you.