(whistling)
Hey.
Everything okay?
Yeah.
I just can't remember what I came down here for.
Oh. That happens to me all the time.
I-I can't remember a specific example, but yeah.
Yeah, that's annoying.
Uh, maybe you were hungry.
Did you come down to get something to eat?
No, I just ate.
Were you going to watch TV?
No. I have a TV in my room.
This is very disconcerting.
Don't panic. I mean, we'll figure this out.
Did you come down to give me the money you owe me?
Ah.
It's worth a shot.
No. I was upstairs, and I thought to myself,
"I need to come downstairs and..."
(guttural grunt)
You know what might help?
A little less...
"Whoa, dude, where's my car?"
No, it's not the pot.
I've been smoking pot since...
It's... it's not the pot.
I... What did I come down here for?
(doorbell rings)
Walden!
Hey!
I remember now.
We have a houseguest.
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Men, men, men, manly men ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men ♪
♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x04 ♪ You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For Original Air Date on October 18, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Thank you so much for sending that car for me.
I mean, I felt like a big ol' movie star at the airport.
The driver held up a sign with my name on it,
carried my bags, and even gave me a bottle of what from Fiji.
It probably wasn't from Fiji...
Would you look at this house?
I mean, right here on the ocean.
This is like something you would see in a magazine,
except there would be famous people
standing here instead of us.
It is so nice to see you.
Well, it is nice to see you, too. Let me...
Uh, Missi, let me introduce you to my friend...
Hi, I'm Missi.
Everyone thinks it's short for Melissa,
but it's actually short for Mississippi--
the river not the state--
'cause according to my parents,
I was conceived on the deck of a gambling boat
when my daddy won a $5,000 jackpot on the Caribbean poker.
Wow, that's a... Have you ever been to the Caribbean?
I went there three years ago for spring break,
and got stung by a jellyfish.
My friend had to pee on my leg.
Alan.
Uh, it's nice to meet you. It's nice to meet you, too.
Um, could you direct me to the little girl's room?
I mean, unless one of y'all
have recently been stung by a jellyfish.
Oh, it's right here.
Thank you.
Wow.
She's a pistol.
More like an AK-47.
So, uh, what's, uh... what's the story here?
Uh, you and her...?
No. She's my old friend Jerry's daughter... - Oh.
...and she's thinking about moving here, so I told him
she could stay here for a couple days, and I'd show her around.
Mm. She's very pretty.
Yeah?
How old do you think she is?
(laughs)
Like, 18 or 19.
Oh, perfect. You might lose a friend,
but you won't go to jail.
(laughs)
Ow! Hey! Hey, hey, don't hit me 'cause you can't hit that.
Ow!
♪ Men. ♪
MISSI: Oh, my,
God, the weather here is amazing.
You know, I could just lay out in the sun
all day just like a big ol' lizard.
Back home, I have to get a spray tan, and
sometimes it comes out a little orange,
which is totally fine during Halloween
'cause I can always say that I'm going as a pumpkin.
Oh, that's interesting. I love
Halloween. Last year, I went to this party as a slutty nurse,
and then, the year before that, I was a slutty cat,
and the year before that, I was a ladybug.
A slutty ladybug?
What? No! Why would I be a slutty ladybug?
Oh, I just...
So... ...thought since you were...
...what's the deal with this Alan guy anyways?
Oh, we... Y'all, like, gay for each other or something?
I mean, it's totally fine if you are.
I have a gay friend. His name is Russell.
I got him to make out with me one time, but it didn't take.
No. We... we are not gay.
We are definitely not gay.
Uh...
So, your dad tells me that you're, um...
you're thinking about relocating.
Well, to be honest with you,
I'm not really sure what I want to do.
You know, I can always keep working as a dental assistant.
You know, that person that sucks the spit out of your mouth
with that little wetvac Yes.
and then gives you the free toothbrush and the lollipop.
You do know what the lollipop's for, right?
Well, I'm assuming... Repeat business.
You know,
if it were up to me, I'd just give them caramel apple
or a little taffy or something.
Pull their teeth right out of their little heads.
Now, that's how you make money off children.
Well, that and baby beauty pageants.
Right.
So, uh... Do you have a girlfriend?
Uh... no, I do not.
I just went through a breakup.
Oh, you poor baby.
I am so sorry.
Could you put some suntan lotion on my back?
Uh, sure.
Thanks.
Okay.
Well, don't forget to rubba-dub-dub.
Rubba-dub-dub?
Yeah, you got to rub it in.
Oh.
(laughing): Okay.
Would you be offended if I popped the girls out?
What?
You know, get a little color
on Kim and Khloe.
Kim and Khloe...
Oh, yeah, go ahead.
Well,
where you going?
Uh, I just need to do this thing
that I need to do.
(laughs)
Okay. I'll be right here. Take care.
♪ Men. ♪
MISSI: You know, I had an electric car, too, when I was little.
You know, like one of those little Barbie Jeeps.
Uh-huh.
But this one time, I left it out in the rain,
so the battery died. Uh-huh.
So my dad had to drill two little holes in the floorboard
so I could stick my feet through
and pedal it just like Fred Flintstone.
BOTH: Yabba-dabba-doo!
Hey.
Hey. Where have you guys been?
Uh, we went... Walden took me to the Santa Monica Pier.
I actually got one of those churros.
You know, it's like a... like a doughnut, but long and Mexican.
Oh, hey. I'm Missi.
Are you Alan's girlfriend?
Hell, no! No!
No, Berta is my housekeeper.
Oh, cool.
When I was in high school,
I used to clean rooms at the Howard Johnson Hotel.
People are disgusting.
I walked into a bathroom one time,
and it looked like a cow had exploded.
Excuse me.
That churro's heading back to the border.
That, my friends, is what you get
when hillbillies have unprotected sex
with hummingbirds.
No. No trouble at all, Jerry.
She's a great kid.
Takes after her old man.
Uh-huh.
Uh, hey, Jerry, I'm getting another call. I got...
Uh-huh.
You know, I love you dearly, Jerry, but you got to shut up.
Okay, I'll talk to you, buddy.
(knocking) Yeah?
Hi.
Hey, I just got off the phone with your dad.
He was just calling to see how... Oh, Lord,
that man can talk.
I swear, he doesn't even pause to take a breath.
Do you have a sec?
Uh, sure.
(grunts)
Okay, yeah, have-have a seat.
Uh... Wow.
This is a nice bed.
I bet you could do some serious drilling
on a workbench like this, huh?
Yeah. So you wanted to talk to me about something?
Do you remember the last time that we saw each other?
At dinner?
No, silly. I'm talking about
when I was, like, eight years old,
and you came to visit us, and we all went to the state fair.
Okay, I remember that.
Remember you had to take me and my mom
'cause my dad was working late?
And we ate cotton candy for dinner, and then you won me
that little stuffed pig in the squirt-gun horse race?
I used to practice my kissing on him.
That's a lucky pig.
Eventually, I wore out all the terry cloth on his snout,
but it was actually okay, 'cause by that time, I changed over
to real boys, which, turns out a couple of them were pigs, too.
Yeah, pigs.
Do you want a robe or a blanket or a suit of armor?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm fine. And remember, I wanted to go on the tilt-a-whirl,
but my mom was too scared,
so you said you'd sit next to her, but I wanted you
to sit next to me, so you sat in between us,
and you held both of our hands?
But actually, you were the one that got scared
and started praying real loud.
"Oh, Lord, please get me off this ride!"
I think you even tinkled a little bit.
Oh, it's a good memory.
I remember 'cause it was one of the best days ever.
Aw.
(laughs)
Are you lonely?
Uh, you know, I-I got Alan.
Yeah, but Alan doesn't keep you warm at night.
You'd be surprised.
'Cause he, uh...
Listen, um, I have this idea.
You know, you might think that it's kind of crazy.
Okay.
I was just thinking, you know, since you're single,
and-and you're super hot and a really nice guy...
Yeah.
That, you know, maybe
you'd like to hook up with my mom.
What?
She's been all alone ever since my daddy ran off
with that lady from the dry cleaners--
you know, the one with that weird eye
that won't quite open all the way.
Probably from all them dry cleaning fumes.
You know, we should have seen it coming.
She gave him all the clothes that nobody claimed.
He had, like, four tuxedos.
Wait. Wait.
You want to set me up with your mom?
She kind of always had a thing for you,
but she would kill me if I told you.
Okay, Missi, I don't think that's a good idea...
Just think about it, okay?
Okay.
Great.
Oh, and if it helps at all,
she actually just got her boobs done.
They actually used mine as a model.
The doctor even put 'em in his catalogue-- number 244.
Anyone can't get 'em,
but it's kind of weird now when I walk around town
I just keep thinking I see my boobs everywhere.
Good night.
(door closes)
(quietly): Her mom?
When did I become the guy
that the hot 19-year-old looks at and goes,
(Southern accent): "Hey, you'd be great for my mom"?
Count your blessings.
One of my patients tried to set me up
with her 70-year-old grandmother.
No...
Yeah, yeah, we dated for three months,
and then, um...
one day I showed up
and she couldn't remember who I was.
So we dated another two months.
And, um...
every day was new again
until finally I got tired of introducing myself.
Oh!
But then six months later,
she sent me a ten-dollar check on my birthday.
(door closes)
JAKE: Hello?
Jake?
(chuckles) WALDEN: Hey!
What are you doing here?
I got a weekend pass, so I took a train in
to surprise you guys.
Hi, soldier!
Hello.
You must be Jake.
I'm sleeping in your room.
Well, God bless America.
♪ Men. ♪
It is so nice to meet you. I'm Missi.
Short for Mississippi, not Melissa.
She got stung by a jellyfish and peed-on.
Thank you.
Are you, like, one of those Navy SEAL guys?
They are so awesome.
No, I'm just a cook.
Well, that's cool, too.
Without food, everybody dies.
That's so... This one time, I found this
little baby bird that fell out of a tree
and landed in my backyard and he was almost dead.
So I started feeding him with this little eyedropper
full of warm milk. "Eat little bird, eat little bird."
And eat he did. Within a week,
I was chewing up crackers and spitting 'em right in his mouth.
And when he finally had enough strength to fly on his own,
I opened up that box and set him free.
No kidding. It was one
of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.
But he got about ten feet up in the air
before my cat launched himself off that picnic table
and caught him right in midair.
I mean, he didn't even have to chew--
just one gulp and that bird was gone.
But... I didn't have to feed Mr. Mittens that day.
So I know how important food is.
Thanks. Uh, if you're hungry,
I could... I would love something to eat!
Oh. Okay.
All right, well, uh...
welcome back!
Good catching up.
(sighs) That was like
being there the first time Beavis met Butthead.
Wait till Beavis sees Butthead in a bikini.
God. You remember falling that hard and fast for a girl?
I remember the fast part.
Kind of a relief those days are behind us, huh?
Behind you.
These are my days.
Oh, no, I wasn't saying... No, I am young, Alan.
I am young!
Fine, fine, you're young.
Where you going?
I don't remember.
(sighs)
Mmm. Kid makes good chili.
Glad you like it.
We have enough...
for a month.
Why?
The recipe was for a platoon,
and math is not his strong suit.
Where'd he take "Oh, my God, this place is beautiful.
"Does that ocean go all the way to Hawaii? I love Hawaii.
You know 'aloha' means 'hello' and 'good-bye'"?
They went for a walk on the beach,
which, you know, has more grains of sand
than there are stars in the entire Milky Way.
Speaking of which, do you like Snickers or Milky Way?
I like Three Musketeers.
Even though I don't know what nougat is.
WALDEN: Hey, what you doing?
Missi and I are hanging out on the beach.
Am I gonna see you at all while you're home?
Oh, uh-huh, yeah, sure.
You're never gonna see him.
Hey, Missi told me
she's trying to set you up with her mom.
How cool would that be?
If you married her mom and I married Missi,
you'd be my stepdad.
Yeah, really cool.
All right. See you later, Dad.
And Dad.
You know, if they have kids, we'd be their grandpappies.
Ow!
Well, to make a long story short,
I ate all the wafers, which is why
you should never smoke pot before you go to church.
That's funny. This one time, me and my friend...
Do you want to hear a joke?
Sure.
What do gay horse eat? What?
Haaaaay!
Can I ask you something?
Any... Do you think I talk too much?
No, I love listening to you talk.
I mean, it's funny. Normally... You are just
so sweet.
I swear I could just eat you up,
but, you know, then I'd probably get a sugar rush,
'cause you are just so sweet, and if you think
I talk a lot now, you should really hear me after I...
Well, I am definitely gonna shut up now,
'cause you're a really good kisser,
and the last thing I want to do is...
(Alan chuckles)
Look at you making breakfast.
It's what the army trains you to do
when you keep dropping a loaded gun.
Here, have a cup of coffee.
Oh, thank you.
You want to hear a joke? Sure.
What do gay horses eat?
Mm...
(flatly): Hay.
(whooshing)
So, uh, when do you leave for the base?
Oh, my train leaves at 4:00.
Mm. I'll give you a ride to the station.
Thanks.
Are you kidding? It's the only time
I'm gonna get to spend with you.
So, uh, how was sleeping on that couch last night?
Oh, you know, it was a little lumpy, but...
better than sleeping with 60 guys
coughing, farting, and getting all romantic with themselves.
Missi still sleeping?
No, she's in the shower.
Oops.
No, it's fine.
Sh-She seems like a nice girl.
You have no idea.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna take her some breakfast. Mm.
As you can imagine, we worked up quite the appetite.
Right.
And... when I say "worked up an appetite,"
you understand... I got it, I got it.
I really loved hanging out with you this weekend.
Cool.
Uh... yeah.
So, listen, I get another pass in, like, a month,
so maybe we can see each other then.
Maybe.
Are... you feeling all right?
You're awful quiet.
Well, here's the thing, Jake. (horn honks)
Hang on, Dad! There's a thing!
What's the thing?
I sort of have a boyfriend.
A boyfriend?
Well, technically we broke up
because I was tired of him
always putting his career ahead of me.
He's a doctor.
Well, not a real doctor, a glass doctor.
You know, like if you get a crack in your windshield,
he will come right to your driveway and fix it
in less than half an hour, guaranteed.
So...
Anyway, he sent me this e-mail this morning
saying that he wants to try things again, but...
now I really like you. It's just that...
Zach and I have been together for, like, six months,
and we even went to a wedding together.
I can't just throw that away.
But, I thought you...
Good-bye, Jake.
Don't be a hero.
What the hell just happened?
♪ Men. ♪
You and Missi make plans to see each other again?
No.
Why? I-I thought you two were, uh...
I thought so, too.
Oh.
If it helps...
It doesn't.
Okay. Okay.
I remember my first...
Dad.
Gotcha.
Does it get any easier?
Oh, God, no.
But... the human mind is a wonderful thing.
It forgets pain, so you can...
go out and get some more.
She has a boyfriend back home.
A doctor.
How am I supposed to compete with that?
Let me ask you something, Jake.
Knowing what you know now,
and feeling how you feel now,
would you have done anything differently?
No.
I just would've done it a few more times.
There you go.
That's what love's all about.
Hey.
So, I just got off the phone with my mom.
Oh, yeah?
She's really looking forward to hearing from you.
(chuckles)
Gee, I-I don't know, Missi.
I'm... I'm not sure it's a good idea.
I mean, I know your mom and dad aren't together anymore,
but your dad's an old friend and...
Here's a recent picture of her.
Then again, I haven't seen him in years. I...
Great. I'll go tell her that you're gonna call.
Hey, wait. Wait a second. I...
Yeah?
I'm flattered that you think I'd be good for your mom,
but I was just curious
at any point in time, did you think that...
maybe you and me...?
Ew.
A simple "no" would suffice.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==