You are so pretty. Thank you.
Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty...
Okay, okay, okay, pretty man trying to drive a car here.
(giggling)
How did you get more drunk since we left the party?
Well... I brought a roadie.
Where did you get that?
My purse.
Hmm. Your purse.
(gasps)
Oh, no, it spilled!
(sighs) Oh!
(slurps)
Do you want some?
No. You-you need to get rid of that drink.
Fine... Mr. Man.
(rattling)
(laughs)
Oops!
Okay.
I think it's time to get Stacey home and under the covers.
I think it's time to get Walden home and under Stacey.
That's not going to happen.
Boo!
Maybe another time.
Yay!
(sighs)
I think I'm gonna take a little nap before we get there.
Okay.
I'm so hungry.
You'll be home soon, and then...
Whoa, that-that is not food.
Are you sure you don't want to stay, 'cause
we could have sex?
You've made that abundantly clear.
Uh, but no, thank you.
And to have sex with me, you need to be able
to stand on one leg and touch your nose.
Ooh.
Nope.
Okay, let's...
Ooh! Mojito.
Okay, let's-let's get you inside safe and sound.
Yum. Mm?
(gasps)
Hello.
Hi, Nana.
Look, this is my new friend Wal...
(retching)
It's actually pronounced "Walden."
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ah. ♪ Men.
She's asleep.
Her head's in the toilet, but she's asleep.
(sighs)
I just... I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I'm not the kind of guy who brings home a drunk girl.
I mean, I did bring her home, but not to, you know,
bring her home. I...
We met at this video game release party,
and we started drinking and talking.
As it turns out, she was doing more of the drinking,
and I was doing more of the talking.
And here I am, still talking.
Hi. I'm Walden Schmidt.
Nice to meet you, Walden.
Linda Pearson.
Thank you for helping my granddaughter.
Your... You do not look like you're old enough
to have a granddaughter.
The unexpected benefit of being a slut at 18.
And having a daughter who followed suit.
And, you know, from the looks of it,
Stacey is, uh, going to carry on the proud family tradition.
Some families hand down recipes.
I appreciate you being a gentleman.
Sure. You know,
I was... I was looking at these photos.
They're amazing. Who took these?
Oh, I did.
You took all of these?
Yeah, I'm a photographer. In fact,
this is pretty much a record of the last 40 years of my life.
Well, hold on. In this one,
these guys are aiming their machine guns at the camera,
which means they're aiming their machine guns at you.
Yeah, I was on assignment, and, uh,
I needed a photo of Nicaraguan Contras,
and I guess nobody told their elite death squad
it was picture day.
Wow.
That's what I said when they came over the hill.
But it had a lot more Fs in it.
Thi-This is a picture of Warren Beatty
and Jack Nicholson.
Yeah, I-I took some more photos
in the Jacuzzi later, but, uh, I can't display those.
Yeah, and that's, um, the Berlin Wall coming down,
and-and that's Tiananmen Square,
and this is a dachshund
in a hot dog bun.
You're really talented.
(laughing): You're really sweet.
Okay, yeah, I've taken up enough of your time.
I'm gonna get out of your way now.
Oh, you're not in my way.
I was just going to make a cup of tea and smoke a joint.
Really?
Yeah. Uh, you want to join me?
That's my idea of baking with Grandma.
(laughs)
(door closes) JAKE: Dad? Walden?
Jake?
This is a surprise.
So is this.
What's on your face?
Oh, uh, now that I'm back in the dating pool,
I want to look my best.
Oh. It's not working.
So, what-what are you doing home?
Oh, I got a few days pass, you know, thought
I'd come surprise you, spend some time together.
That's great. Wait a second.
Are you in trouble? Is somebody pregnant? Do you need money?
No, no, and always.
Thing is, I'm gonna be going away for a while.
Damn it, I forgot jail.
Not jail. Japan.
Japan?
Yeah. They needed an extra cook
at the base over there, so I volunteered.
Really? Why?
Why not? I love Benihana.
Oh-oh, my God. W-When do you leave?
Two weeks.
Wait. Two weeks?!
So-so this is probably the last time
I'm going to see you for a while.
Yeah, I guess, unless you're willing to make the drive.
So Nixon stands on the helicopter steps, right,
and he does this, and I take the picture
and I am so excited that I don't even notice
Strom Thurmond's hand is on my ass.
So, what did you do?
I became a lifelong Democrat.
(laughs)
Wow. You've seen some incredible things.
Oh, well, you can get into some pretty amazing places
with a camera, a press pass, and no bra.
Okay, I'm gonna stop wearing a bra.
You know, it's-it's nice to have someone to talk to.
Stacey thinks Nicaragua is a gum you chew to stop smoking.
(laughs)
She also thinks Mount Rushmore is a natural phenomenon.
It's not?
(laughs)
Oh, man.
I should really get going.
Oh, but before you go, you have to do something for me.
Every person I meet
poses for the same picture.
Oh, I would be honored.
Great. Okay, now, stand by that wall.
Okay.
Yeah, and, uh,
give me a great big smile.
Now drop your pants and moon me.
What? (camera shutter clicks)
That's the picture I take of everyone.
Okay, I'm still gonna moon you.
So how long is your tour of duty?
And, yes, I know I said "duty."
Uh, a year, but if I do really well, it could be longer.
Okay, so a year.
Hey.
Hey, Walden.
What are you doing home?
Oh, just visiting.
He's being transferred to Japan.
Oh, what? That's amazing!
I mean, I'll miss you, but what a great opportunity.
It's a beautiful country, gorgeous women,
one step closer to having this house to myself.
Yeah, the only thing I'm worried about is,
they still haven't found Godzilla.
How-how was the party?
Oh, it was great.
I-I met this really hot 22-year-old girl
and spent the whole night talking to her grandma.
Oh, yeah, "talking to her grandma."
I know what that means.
Do you?
(scoffs) Are you kidding?
Whenever I wear my uniform out,
all the ladies let me talk to their grandma.
I'm just gonna talk to you.
Wait, wait.
So, uh, you met this hot 22-year-old,
but you spent the night talking to her grandmother?
That's like going to the International House of Pancakes
and ordering a bowl of dust.
Okay, clearly, I can't talk to either of you.
No. No, seriously. Why?
Well, I'm sick of dating these goofy, shallow girls
that all have a tiny dog in their purse.
All right, "tiny dog in their purse."
I'm missing you less and less.
She's really interesting.
Is she like a rapping granny or something?
Stop talking!
Well, she's smart and funny,
and she's had all these incredible experiences.
There's just one problem.
What? She can't drive at night?
No. If I want to see Linda again,
I got to see Stacey again, and if, if I see her,
she's gonna want to have sex with me.
Could you ask Walden why that's a problem?
This is nice, huh?
Yes, it is.
In a truly weird way.
There's nothing weird
about three people having dinner together.
It is when two of them are on a date.
Oh, come on. We want you here.
Isn't that right, Stacey? Huh?
Yeah. Totes.
Well, in that case, I'm totes glad to be here.
So, are-are you into photography, too?
Oh, yeah, I take tons of selfies!
♪ Instagram!
(Stacey chuckles)
So, how did you two wind up living together?
Ugh. She's my grandma. Duh.
Stacey's looking for a job out here.
She just graduated from Arizona State.
Oh, wow. What was your major?
Communications.
You know, I've always wondered, what is that exactly?
Well... it's kind of hard to put into words.
I mean, you know, it's, like, talking and stuff.
Uh-huh.
120 grand.
Ooh.
Hey, are we gonna have sex tonight?
There's that communications degree at work.
(laughs) I hadn't really thought about it.
'Cause, if not, I just got invited to a killer party.
Well, I-I wouldn't want to keep you if...
Great. My friends are gonna swing by and pick me up.
Okay. Do-do you want to eat something first?
Oh, God, no.
I hate drinking on a full stomach.
In fact, I'm gonna go throw up and make a little room.
Pretty sure she's going to live with me forever.
I got one of those.
I think pizza's the thing I'm gonna miss the most
when I go to Japan.
Really? Pizza?
Yeah. Well, that and sushi.
Okay. You know what? This is ridiculous.
I mean, you're-you're gonna be gone for a year,
and we're sitting here watching
Dancing with the Freakin' Stars.
Well, do you want to watch Hillbilly Gynecologist?
No. No, I don't want to watch anything.
I want to do something. Hey, hey, what do you say
we go on a father-son road trip?
Okay. Can we go to Vegas?
Uh, well, that would be great except you're not old enough
to drink or gamble.
Right. I don't drink.
Oh, uh, you know what we could do?
We could see beloved Canadian songbird Celine Dion.
She is to die for.
Dad? Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna be going away for a while.
If there's anything you need to tell me, now's the time.
Well, thank you very much for dinner.
You know, I was really impressed that you ordered in Italian.
Grazie, signora. Molto bene.
It would've been more impressive
if we'd been in an Italian restaurant, but...
(both laugh)
I had a great time tonight.
Oh, I did, too. Yeah.
Whoa.
Look.
You are a wonderful young man, but...
I have a rule.
I never kiss anyone who started the night
on a date with my granddaughter.
A rule?
So this has happened before?
So, what do you think? If we take this route,
we can be at the Grand Canyon by sunrise tomorrow.
Pretty awesome, huh?
Yeah. You know what else is awesome?
The Bunny Ranch.
(sighs) We are not going to a whorehouse,
we're going to the Grand Canyon.
There's a girl at the Bunny Ranch
they call the Grand Canyon.
Morning.
Hey, Walden, we're going on a father-son trip.
Do you want to come?
Jake!
What? I want it to be fun.
I can't. I'm still sorting things out
with Linda and Stacey.
Oh, right. The grandma- granddaughter thing.
You know, if you get the mom in there,
they'll bronze your johnson.
I am so glad you're a cook, not a sniper.
So, Japan, huh?
Yeah, the Big Apple.
(sighs) Have a fun road trip.
I'm gonna miss this. Give me a hug.
Thanks for everything, Berta.
You take care of yourself, Taterhead.
Are you crying?
Nah.
Don't worry, you'll still have my dad.
Now I'm crying.
(doorbell rings)
Hi.
Hi. Um, hmm...
Well, this is a little awkward.
Um, Stacey's actually out on a date.
Oh, no. I'm devastated.
I don't think I should be alone.
Look, I'm very flattered,
but I think we covered this last night.
I brought weed.
(sniffs)
Oh, honey, that's not weed.
Come on in.
And stop looking at my ass.
Got it.
Isn't this great? (chuckles)
The Harper boys, on the road.
Mothers, lock up your daughters.
Cows, prepare to be tipped.
Since when do you tip?
(both laugh)
That's witty banter.
Best thing about a road trip. Yeah, yeah.
That and joking around.
Can I tell you something?
Of course.
Back when you and Mom broke up,
I thought it was your fault,
and I was kind of mad at you for a long time.
Oh, Jake, well, it was...
very complicated. You know, a lot of things got said...
Yeah, well, let me finish.
Then Mom married Herb
and then broke up with him,
so now I'm thinking maybe it wasn't all you.
Well, I appreciate that.
But I'm not gonna say anything bad about your mother.
But you're hoping I will, right?
Oh, absolutely.
So, after I dropped out of college,
me and my buddy developed this software, and we sold it
for, like, a stupid amount of money.
And then I lost half of it in my divorce,
so then I developed some more software and made it all back,
and I am really freaking high.
I feel like I've been talking for over a year.
You kind of have.
(chuckles)
So, what do you do now?
A lot of this.
Oh, Walden.
You did yo life backwards.
Yeah. You're supposed to spend
your youth ad-adventurizing.
A-And then you go into business.
Wait. You said "adventurizing." (laughs)
That's not even a word.
It is now. I just...
inventorized it.
(both laugh)
No, I mean it. I mean it. You...
you need to find something... exciting in your life.
Like what?
Have you ever been chased by a lion in the Serengeti?
No. But one time I got in a slap fight
with the guy who plays Simba at Disneyland.
(chuckles)
That counts.
(laughs)
H-Have you ever been at a voodoo ritual in Haiti?
Or-or-or panned for gold in the Yukon?
Or... (gasps) made out with Buzz Aldrin?
Ooh, do I want to make out with Buzz Aldrin?
Oh, yeah.
(laughs)
You need to find that thing in your life
that you're afraid to do
and then you just... do it.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Mmm.
(moans)
Oh, wow.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no. This is... This one's on me. Um...
No, I haven't been with anybody since my divorce,
and that was three years ago.
Well, how is that possible?
You're a beautiful woman.
No, I was a mess. I...
I was faithful to one man for over 30 years, and...
unfortunately he was only faithful for six months and...
(sighs) ...not in a row.
Well, he is an idiot for philanderizing.
(laughs)
What are you doing here, Walden?
You're-you're
handsome and young and rich,
and, you know, you can have any woman you want.
That is what I'm doing here.
(exhales) Oh, you're good.
Like I said, I... (sighs)
I haven't been with anyone for a long time.
I'll go slow.
You misunderstand.
I don't want to go slow.
I want to hurt you.
♪ Men. ♪
These are awesome.
They're the last of the Charlie Harper Estate.
We were supposed to smoke them when you graduated college.
(both laugh)
I'm really glad we took this trip.
Me, too.
I can't believe my baby boy is all grown up and...
headed off to Japan.
Well, tell him to look me up, 'cause I'll be there, too.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I'm gonna worry about you every day you're over there.
Don't worry about me.
Worry about the Japanese.
Kidding? (chuckles)
Huh? What?
Hey, I, uh...
I got you a little something.
Whoa. This is a lot of cash.
Did you rob the 7-Eleven we stopped at?
More like they robbed me.
Six dollars for a Slim Jim and a Yoo-hoo? Come on.
No, I've been... putting a little something away
here and there.
Wow. Thanks.
I wish there was more.
I'm just surprised that there's any.
Okay, I-I deserve that.
I-I know I wasn't the best dad.
Are you kidding?
We lived at a beach house my whole life, rent-free.
And then, even after Uncle Charlie died,
we managed to stay there.
I mean, who else could have done that?
I did always make sure you had a roof over your head.
Even if it was someone else's.
Yeah, you did.
And there were a lot of hot chicks under that roof.
You don't even want to know how many times I lost my virginity.
No, I... Yeah, no, I don't.
(sighs)
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
I wouldn't want anyone else to be my dad.
Aw.
I wish you hadn't said that.
Why?
Now I got to give you the rest of the money.
♪ Men. ♪
Oh. Okay.
So this was a good idea.
No.
This was a great idea. Mmm.
And that move you did at the end there. That's... Yowza.
You can thank Buzz Aldrin for that one.
It's even better in zero gravity.
STACEY: Hello? Nana? (door opens)
Whoa!
Let me explain.
I'm happy for you.
You should be with an old guy.
(door shuts) ♪ Men. ♪
So, what do you think?
I think, if we can find a way around this big hole,
we can make it to the Grand Canyon.
I love you, Jake.
I love you, too, Dad.
Isn't this majestic?
Yeah. Hey, you know what else is majestic?
(farts) (fart echoing)
== sync, corrected by elderman ==