Alan.
Hurry up.
The girls are almost here, and I'm a...
♪ hunka hunka rotting love.
Alan: Sorry, just finishing up my costume.
Who the hell are you supposed to be?
You never saw pretty in pink?
Oh, right! You're molly ringwald.
Ha-ha. I-I'm duckie.
You know, the-the best friend, the-the scene stealer?
Some would say the true star of the film.
Who played him, boy george? (chuckles)
Hey, what do you think about zombie elvis, baby?
And don't be cruel.
It's great.
You look like both the impersonator at my wedding
And my ex-wife.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
What decays in vegas stays in vegas.
Oh, hey, uh, did your friend stacy say anything
About the girl she's bringing for me?
Uh, just that she's supposed to be really cute,
And she just moved out here after a tough breakup.
Ooh, hot, lonely and damaged.
Duckie's getting lucky.
You know, if duckie really wants to get lucky,
He'll tell the girls that he's someone that people remember.
Like ferris bueller.
Fine, you win again, broderick.
God, you know what I love about Halloween?
You can put "slutty" in front of any job position,
And it becomes a costume.
Slutty nurse, slutty librarian, slutty lunch lady.
(groans)
Hey, you didn't know mrs. Goobadeck
From mark twain elementary.
She rocked that hairnet.
(groaning): My chest.
Seriously? W-what's going on?
I don't know, I can't breathe, my chest is tight.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Here, here. Sit down.
Um... Oh. Uh, well, uh, don't worry.
I-I'm sure this is nothing, but, uh...
I'm going to call an ambulance, just in case.
Just, uh, just stay calm.
You're gonna be fine.
(whispering): Help! My friend is dying!
I can't settle down, I think he's having a heart attack.
Oh, my god, I'm having a heart attack.
Oh. No, no.
I-I'm just saying that to get them to hurry.
I'm not just saying that.
I think he's headed toward the light.
(door bell rings)
I can't feel my left arm.
Um, uh, you're gonna be okay.
It's probably just gas. Try to fart!
Trick...
Or treat.
Oh, ladies. I'm sorry, you just got here during a bit of a...
Ooh, I can see your nipples, officer.
Anything you see will be held against you.
And I'm harry potter.
But I'm not so hairy.
She's mine.
(groans)
(farts)
Didn't work!
(siren wailing)
Don't worry, we're almost to the hospital.
Sir, are you taking any medications?
Well, I take a generic lipitor and a women's multi-vitamin.
I mean, just so you know, I take the women's
'cause it has more iron.
Same price, more iron.
Yes, please.
Is he gonna be okay?
We're doing all we can, sir.
I can't believe this is happening, you know?
He's so young!
He leads such a healthy lifestyle...
Well, except for all the pot.
You know, the-the weed.
The... The ganja.
The ol' mexican spinach.
Alan, if I live, I'm going to kill you.
Stop it. You are gonna live.
(chuckles)
Is he gonna live?
We're en route with a 35-year-old male.
Bp is 160/94, pulse is 108.
And he's dressed as zombie elvis, over!
I-I don't know if you guys need to know that.
They don't.
By the way, uh, I'm dressed as...
Ferris bueller?
(laughs)
Hey, hey, at least I took a chance with my costume.
I mean, elvis and zombies.
It's real original.
Next year, it's vampire obama.
(transylvanian accent): "yes, we can!"
Excuse me, do you have anything for the pain?
In my ass?
I know, I know.
I'm just... I'm freaking out because I'm worried.
I mean, you are my best friend.
And if something were to happen to you,
I don't know what I would do.
I mean, I-I've already lost a brother.
I can't lose you, too!
A-and you're more of a brother than he was.
And now jake's in the army, and I'm all alone.
And I don't do well when I'm alone...
Here, breathe.
Thank you.
Am I crazy, or is, uh, something happening here?
♪ Men. ♪
Oh, good, uh, you made it.
Uh... Oh, I-I'm sorry I pulled you out of your Halloween party,
I just figured you'd want to...
I wasn't at a Halloween party.
I-I just assumed, since you're dressed...
So what happened?
I don't know.
We were about to go out,
And he got chest pains and suddenly collapsed.
Oh, wow.
He's so young.
So fit.
So not you.
Hope he's okay.
I never thought I'd have a boss better than your brother,
But walden is good people.
He's the best.
The guy has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met.
Yep, a heart of gold.
Clogged with arterial plaque.
You've been a good friend to walden.
He's lucky to have you.
He's lucky to have you, too, sister berta.
And, listen, um...
If, god forbid, the worst happens,
I-I just want you to know that, uh...
You'll always have a job at the house.
I mean, we'd have to talk reduced salaries, but, uh...
What makes you think he'd leave you the house?
I'm his best friend.
There's nobody closer to him than me.
I clean his underwear.
I wear his underwear.
(laughs)
Alan harper?
Oh, oh, that's me.
I'm dr. Prajneep.
Your friend had a mild heart attack.
We put in a stent to clear the blockage.
Is that bad?
In general,
A heart attack is bad.
But, uh, he should make a full recovery.
Oh, thank god.
Oh, that is a huge relief.
Um, is there anything we should do at home?
I just want to make sure he has all the care he needs.
Uh, any special diet, exercises, medications?
If it'd help,
I'd chew up his food and feed him like a baby bird.
How could that possibly help?
I'll tell you what doesn't help... that tone.
Can we see him?
Soon as he's in recovery.
Any other questions?
Uh, no, we're just happy that he's gonna be okay.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
By the way, ferris bueller is my favorite movie.
Wait, b-berta. W-where are you going?
We're not supposed to go back there yet.
I'm a nun at a hospital.
I can do whatever the hell I want.
I'm dead.
And I'm in hell.
Relax.
You're in the hospital.
You had a mild heart attack, but you're gonna be fine.
I don't feel very good.
That's because they put a stent in your heart.
But also I feel really good.
That's because they put morphine in your veins.
We should start keeping morphine in the house.
I know a guy.
Berta, you're so funny.
I would've missed you so much if I would've died.
Oh, oh, but you don't have to worry about that.
Y-you're not going anywhere.
I love you guys.
We love you, too.
You know, when I think about it,
You guys are my only real family.
Oh, walden, that's so...
Horrible.
Okay.
Saved your life, but whatever.
My life is pathetic.
I mean, thank you guys so much for being here.
But you're not good enough!
Okay, now it sounds like my family.
Um...
Maybe you should rest.
You know, just go to your happy place.
I know a shortcut.
Say when.
Whe...
(squeals)
Dressed as a nun, giving some guy morphine...
Boy, does this take me back to high school.
Hey, how you feeling?
I'm all right.
Well, uh, I know
Something that'll make you feel better.
I made some of my famous three bean salad.
The secret...
(whispers): I use four beans.
Garbanzo.
Shh.
You ever look out at the ocean
And think about how small and insignificant you are?
I don't need the ocean; I can just call my mother.
I almost died, alan.
But the important thing is you didn't.
So, now you just have to listen to your doctors,
Don't stress about anything and relax.
(shrill laughing) (screams)
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
That was supposed to scare the life out of trick-or-treaters,
Not you.
This sucks!
How am I the one with a stent in my heart?
I'm healthy, I-I'm fit.
You sit in front of the tv every night,
Shoveling a pint of ice cream down your throat.
Hey, I eat my feelings,
And you are sending me right back to the freezer.
You know, it just goes to show,
Your life can end in the blink of an eye.
One day you're here, the next day you're gone.
That's why I live by the philosophy
"one day I'm here, the next day I'm still here."
You know, if-if I would have died, who would have missed me?
What are you talking about? I would, berta would.
A-and you just got an e-mail from netflix the other day
That literally said, "we miss you."
You know, other than you guys and my mom, I got nobody.
At least you got jake.
Well, that's true.
I'll always have my little guy.
Although, in his last e-mail,
He, uh, asked me when the fourth of July was this year.
But, yes, I'm very lucky.
Do you know how much I would give to have a kid
Who didn't understand the concept of a calendar?
All I have is money.
Yeah.
'Cause I wouldn't give up jake for a billion dollars.
I got to make some changes.
Changes are good.
Uh, you know, I remember when I switched
From american idol to the voice.
My life turned around
Like blake shelton's chair.
You know what?
I want to have a kid of my own.
What?
Yeah, I want something to give my life meaning.
I want somebody I can love unconditionally.
Someone I can teach, someone I can nurture,
Someone I can leave all this to.
Well...
I mean, I don't know what to say, except...
Papa?
♪ Men. ♪
Have you thought this through?
Having a kid is a lot of work.
Having you is a lot of work.
You know, having a child would give my life meaning.
Otherwise, all this has been for nothing,
And that's difficult to accept.
You know what's difficult?
Removing a marble your kid shoved up his nose.
I did something like that.
I jammed a penny up there.
I was trying to get a gumball to fall out of my butt.
But a kid is permanent.
It's not like you're dating.
You can't just stop calling or change your number
Or fake your own death because they annoy you.
You do that to women?
No, they do it to me.
Look, I-I'm sorry if it feels like I'm being negative,
Because the truth is, you know, kids are amazing.
But you just had this big health scare,
And you're probably not in the best frame of mind
To make life decisions.
I mean, this morning, you cried at a beer commercial.
Yeah, but the horse and the puppy were best friends!
Look,
Having a heart attack didn't make me realize
I want to have a kid, it made me realize
I don't want to live another day without one.
It was like a wake-up call.
All right.
If you really want to do this, I will be here to support you.
From my room.
Which, fyi, is way too drafty to use as a nursery.
Don't worry. You're not going anywhere.
Sweet! Let's get that kid!
So, uh, who's the lucky lady
Who's gonna receive your seed?
See, you just put your creepy little finger
Right on the problem.
I haven't exactly been successful in love.
It's like I'm running javascript and women are running html5.
Talking like that is part of the problem, isn't it?
Yeah.
And it's weird, because your package is perfect.
And... And by "package," I don't mean your package,
I mean your... Package.
Although, that is also a showstopper.
Okay, I can't believe that this is not the first time
I've said this, but stop looking at my penis.
Well, now that you've mentioned it,
I can't stop looking.
It's like the elephant's trunk in the room.
Don't worry, you'll-you'll find somebody.
And, you know, it goes without saying
That if I could, I would happily bear you a child.
Okay, I wish all of this had gone without saying.
You doing okay?
Yeah, I'm good.
He wants to have a kid. Now all he needs is a woman.
Would you consider a pregnant stripper?
Uh, no.
Well, that rules out both my granddaughters.
Morning. Did you take your pills?
Yep.
Are you lying to me or are you lying to yourself?
(rattling)
They're too big. It's hard to swallow.
If you say "that's what she said,"
I will kill you.
You know what she said?
"Take your pills. I care about you."
Fine.
Do you know how long it takes to get a baby?
Well, I know it takes, uh, five months of mood swings
And four months of not wanting to be touched.
And who knows what my ex-wife was going through.
I was just researching surrogacy,
And they say that once you choose a great candidate,
It can take up to three years
Before you have a baby in your arm.
I can't wait that long.
I mean, who knows if I'll even still want a kid by then?
Tell me about it.
Six months into jake's life, I was like, "check, please!"
I was kidding.
As was I.
Okay.
I've narrowed down my options to either adoption
Or seeing if brad and angelina
Have an extra one they could throw me.
Uh, you know, if you really want to adopt...
For the last time, alan, I am not adopting you!
But, papa...
Ah! All right.
I already reached out to a lawyer
Who specializes in adoption.
Well, you're a perfect candidate to adopt.
I mean, you're highly educated, you're likeable,
Uh, you have a stable home environment...
Financially secure, no criminal record, handsome.
I-I don't... I don't think handsome really comes into play.
Doesn't it, alan?
No, I don't think so.
Doesn't it?
You're being ridiculous.
Am I?
I will steal you a baby.
♪ Men. ♪
So, as you can see, finances are not an issue.
I have a lot of extra free time,
And I know I can provide a loving, nurturing home.
You okay?
Are you?
Seriously, do I need to call someone?
Never mind.
What's important is that
I will coach the hell out of the braves.
Excuse me?
It'll be the name of my son's tee-ball team.
Pretty pink ponies, if it's a girl.
You know what, if my son wants to play
For the pretty pink ponies, then so be it.
Tolerant.
Well, mr. Schmidt,
You are obviously more than qualified.
Thank you.
That said, I'd start looking
At golden retriever puppies,
'cause there's no way you're getting a baby.
Well, I don't understand.
You just said that I'm more than qualified.
And you are.
But you're a single guy,
And the system is really geared towards married couples.
That's racist.
Uh, no, it's not.
Then it's sexist.
Nope.
Well, it's some kind of "sist."
Look, I'm not saying it's impossible, okay?
Just that it's difficult.
You're in line behind families that already have children,
Married couples, single women...
Anyone else?
What, sweat shops? Circuses?
The vienna boys' choir?
Look, I wish I had better news, okay?
If you were married, this would be a slam dunk.
Okay, you don't get it.
Marriage is not an option for me.
Okay, I understand you're frustrated...
No, what's frustrating is that every woman I meet
Runs screaming from me!
I was married before and she left me
And I tried to commit suicide.
Don't write that down.
Why are you writing that down?!
No, no...
Then I proposed to two other women,
And they both shot me down.
I am incapable of maintaining
A long-term relationship with anybody.
Now, give me a frickin' baby!
Okay.
I think we're done here.
No, we are not done here!
I almost died wearing a bedazzled jumpsuit
And my life needs meaning.
Stop writing things down!
Mmm.
Hey, how'd it go? What kind of world...
Uh-oh.
Are we living in
Where any two high school kids with a broken condom
Can screw behind an applebee's dumpster,
Have a baby, give it up for adoption,
But not have it go to an adult who is upstanding,
Responsible, and, might I add, handsome...
Simply because every woman I meet
Eventually grows to loathe me?
And because of that, the pretty pink ponies
Will not have a tee-ball coach!
So it didn't go well?
(mocking): No, it did not go well.
All right, well, uh, first things first.
Uh, how about we get you a little zin
To calm your nerves?
It's just not fair.
I know, I know.
Uh, thank you.
Just because I'm single, I'm not a fit parent?
Did they say that to you?
That's how I felt.
Apparently, the whole system
Is geared towards married couples.
And-and single guys are not welcome.
Like a studio city swingers party.
Exactly.
Wait, what?
Nothing. So, uh, did you tell her everything?
I mean, how you're successful, you're warm, you're caring...
I told her everything. Did you give her the smile?
Of course I gave her the smile.
She thought I was having a stroke.
So nothing worked?
No. Even if I hadn't been escorted out by security,
I still don't think they were giving me a kid.
Wow, I'm, uh... I'm really sorry.
You know, it's ridiculous.
Why-why are married people automatically better parents?
My mom was married six times; didn't help her.
See, and I would've been a great dad.
I would've played catch with him,
I would've read to him,
I would've waited till he went to sleep
Before I smoked pot.
Already got my mom beat.
But-but you shouldn't give up.
I mean, you might still find somebody.
No, I don't want to marry somebody
Just to marry somebody.
It's got to be the right person.
Ooh, or mila kunis.
I get it.
That's hard to find.
(timer dings) oh, that's my banana bread.
I love your banana bread.
I know.
I made it hoping we could celebrate,
But it works on a sad tummy, too.
Oh, what would I do without you?
I hope you never have to find out. (chuckles)
What?
You are... Always there for me.
Yeah, and-and you're always there for me.
We're best friends.
What if we were more than friends?
Like...
Super friends?
Alan harper,
Will you marry me?
♪ Men. ♪
Are you seriously asking me to marry you?
I can't believe this is happening.
And I always thought alan would be the one on his knees.