‫Hello, and welcome back to another lesson.
‫So in this lesson we're going to do, this is a new lesson, in fact, that I've been wanting to do
‫for some time for writing, and I know that a lot of students kind of focus on the writing and find
‫particular difficulties with elites writing.
‫So I'm going to do another lesson today that I think is going to be really useful to you.
‫And that is we're going to be looking at a question and then we're going to look at a previous seven
‫plus student response.
‫I'm going to keep them anonymous.
‫Anonymous.
‫Difficult to say.
‫I'm going to keep their identity seek secret.
‫Sorry.
‫And I'm going to go through.
‫I'm going to read their report without making changes.
‫I'm going to sort of maybe give a little bit of feedback as I do an initial read through and then I'm
‫going to give it a band score.
‫Then what I'm going to do is go through the report and make changes and edits to any errors.
‫And I think that this is something that you're going to find really useful in terms of seeing and spotting
‫mistakes, identifying mistakes and in terms of sort of also having an idea of the examiners marking
‫process for your writing.
‫So hopefully it will be a really useful lesson, of course, is always do leave feedback on the course.
‫Leave me a note.
‫It's always great to hear from you.
‫And please drop me a message with any questions, of course.
‫OK, so here is our question that we'll be working on today and of course, is a task one report.
‫We have a line graph.
‫So as always, first thing I do is read the title pollution levels in London micrograms per cubic meter.
‫So we're looking at the amount of pollution in London.
‫OK, interesting.
‫So, all right, let's take a look.
‫So along the actual key, we'll take a look at these lines first.
‫We've got sulfur dioxide and we've got smoke two pollutants.
‫Now you don't have to know what these things are sulfur dioxide you don't need, as I always say, any
‫scientific knowledge.
‫We just simply need to report the trends making comparisons where possible.
‫OK, so sulfur dioxide is definitely higher across all years.
‫That's something that you could include in your overview.
‫Overall, sulfur dioxide was far greater in terms of pollutants in the air than smoke.
‫Something like that that was just off the top of my head.
‫I smoke.
‫Yeah, they seem to follow similar trends as well.
‫Really, they're kind of both going up.
‫There's a slight peak here.
‫There's a steep rise for both here and another peak here, and then they fall.
‫So we could say that the relationship over time seems to follow one another.
‫So something that we could possibly write about in our overview as well.
‫OK.
‫So along our X-axis, we have time or the years starting way back in 15:50, going up in increments
‫of 50 years, all the way up to more recent times 2000, where we could see happily this according to
‫this data, anyway.
‫Less pollutants, far less pollutants.
‫OK, so the y axis is micrograms per cubic meter and we're going up at 250 at a time.
‫OK, so I've got a pretty good idea with the visual information for this.
‫What I'm going to do now is just take a look at the student report.
‫So I've taken out.
‫This is exactly as the student wrote and Google Docs did some checks and made some sort of highlighted
‫errors.
‫I've taken all that out so that you can't see what Google Docs spots.
‫So as I read through, if you think as well about possible errors, possible things, you might change.
‫I'm probably not going to make too much feedback for the initial read through.
‫So when I mark your writing, when I give you feedback, you know the quick feedback I try to do sometimes
‫and I just read everything through first.
‫And then I've got an idea of the band's score in my head.
‫Then I can start making edits.
‫OK, so let's take a look at the report and let's have a read through.
‫The given line graph represents the sulfur dioxide and smoke levels by micrograms per cubic meter in
‫London over a 400 period.
‫From six hundred to 2000.
‫Overall, sulfur dioxide and smoke continue increasing with some a little downwards in the first 250
‫years.
‫Meanwhile, the next 200 years both saw bit by bit a rapidly decrease, with some fluctuations around
‫1910 to 1960.
‫From 16:00 to over 1870, sulfur dioxide rapidly increase the pollution levels around 685, then stabilized
‫approximately over 30 years, saw a spike around seventeen five and have plateaued from 1750 to over
‫1790.
‫Around six hundred eighty five micrograms per cubic metre.
‫So I'm looking at the data here.
‫I think where it's describing around this area, would that be right?
‫1790.
‫So around here, sorry.
‫Following this gradually increase for the next 60 years.
‫So we're here and then off we go.
‫For the next 60 years, over the eight hundred and seventy five next saw a downward in an upward for
‫the year that 20 years, remaining around the eight hundred seventy five.
‫On the other hand, smoke presented and steadily increased in this time window and sat over 380.
‫The next one hundred and thirty years from 1870 to 2000, both sulfur dioxide and smoke experiment rapidly
‫decreased to zero, the highest in sulfur dioxide.
‫Nonetheless, the two of them experimented fluctuations between 1920 and 1970, though smoke variations
‫were more remarkable.
‫Okay, so this quite a lot that we need to consider in this report, and I'm going to say, really,
‫we're probably looking at a band score of around after sort of some careful reading five point five
‫to six and possibly six.
‫And that's mainly because of grammatical errors throughout the writing.
‫And really, grammar is one of those things that is the most common trip for us.
‫There's also some errors with vocabulary and tense spelling is also quite a big problem within the report.
‫But there is a well-structured report here, so it's nice to see we've got some grouping.
‫So we're doing I think we're we're going from 6500 to 1870, so we're going from here all the way to
‫here and then from 1870 to 2000.
‫I like that group and I can understand, even if I have to think about the grammar whilst I'm reading.
‫I can understand how the student has structured the report, and it just makes it more logical for me
‫whilst reading to know where I am, even if I was sort of here and thinking that.
‫But I felt like well-structured well.
‫Paragraphs and introduction and overview were included, which was nice.
‫So yeah, there are some good points to it, but the student really needs to be working on the grammar.
‫So around five point five to six again, depending on the IOC's Examiner, you may move up to sort of
‫zero point five generally for a band score.
‫It's not so common that it's going to be that different because, of course, through the examiners
‫training and experience, overall, the quality should be about zero point five or exactly the same.
‫OK, so it's a pretty straightforward question.
‫I would say just we have two different attributes to the line graph, so we can just definitely report
‫as it is.
‫I think I would probably do something similar in terms of just really simply for grouping, just split
‫it in half, just as the student did.
‫OK, so I'm going to go through and start making edits to this report, and this isn't going to be perfect.
‫You know, I'm not going to change absolutely everything the by the a couple of things that I miss,
‫but it will give you a good overall idea of where some mistakes have been made.
‫OK, so the given line graph represents the sulfur dioxide so straight away, this is a common error
‫that many students make, and I'm going to leave it in bold where I make changes, capitalizing when
‫not required.
‫And that's an error that I see a lot of.
‫So unless there's a need for a capital letter, for example, with proper nouns, we don't need to capitalize
‫these things.
‫So the given line graph represents the sulfur dioxide and smoke levels by micrograms per cubic meter
‫in London over a 400 year period at 400 years.
‫So I even added the word in there that was missing.
‫So again, there are a couple of examples here for vocabulary.
‫Are lexical resource of missing words, possibly.
‫So let's just read back and smoke levels by micrograms per cubic meter in London over the 400 year period
‫from 600 to 2000.
‫So I think really, that was probably the only two changes that make something else that I might consider
‫is to use brackets.
‫So the given line graph represents the sulfur dioxide and smoke levels.
‫And then just as a side note, and it's kind of showing after the Examiner, I could possibly use brackets
‫here.
‫And I think, you know what, I'm going to leave them in.
‫I don't want to use loads of advanced punctuation.
‫It just becomes a little bit too too difficult to read.
‫I think simple is often best.
‫Try and make things as easy to read as.
‫Possible, but for this example, I just think if we cannot these brackets, then it just makes the
‫sentence read a little easier.
‫The given line graph represents the sulfur dioxide and smoke levels by micrograms per cubic meter in
‫London over the 400 year period from 600 to 2000.
‫That really is top now just with these one to three changes, and then it's a real sort of great sentence.
‫And you can see that by adding the brackets, it just gives less importance to this extra detail.
‫So before brackets, it was kind of too much of a long sentence, really.
‫But by adding brackets, it just sort of gives a little bit of rest and keeps the important information
‫emphasized.
‫OK, let's move on overall sulfur dioxide.
‫So we again, we don't need the capital letter here.
‫Overall, sulfur dioxide and smoke continue increasing with some little downward trends in the first
‫250 years.
‫I'm actually going to make some edits here.
‫Let's have a look.
‫Overall, sulfur dioxide and smoke continue increasing continued.
‫I think we want to stay in past tense, really.
‫Sulfur dioxide is a spelling mistake there.
‫Thank you.
‫Thank you, Google Docs.
‫I think that this continues throughout.
‫So I've noticed this earlier when I was looking at this piece of writing, I'll try and remember to
‫check that throughout.
‫Overall, sulfur dioxide and smoke continued, increasing continued to increase, increasing.
‫I'm okay with that continued increasing with some little, some little.
‫I don't really like the vocabulary choice there with some small we could say with some small or slight
‫slight sounds.
‫Even better with increasing with slight downwards in the first two hundred and fifty years.
‫Slight downwards.
‫Something I need a noun head downward is that adjective downward trends.
‫We could say downward trends in the first 250 years.
‫Now let's take a look at that.
‫So we've got 50.
‫We got 50, 100, 150, 200, 250.
‫Now I actually kind of disagree with this part of the overview because I can't really see much of a
‫downward trend.
‫The only time I can really see is here, and it's such a slight downward trend, a drop that I'd actually
‫call it a plateau.
‫I don't think there's really any drops that we can see this this year, this this year.
‫I wouldn't say there are any downward trend.
‫So in a way, I would almost be thinking, I'm not sure that that answers the question properly.
‫Maybe we could rewrite this.
‫Let me take a look and we can think about rewriting it or a may just leave it in.
‫Overall, sulfur dioxide and smoke continued, increasing with slight downward trends in the first 250
‫years.
‫OK, I'm going to leave that in.
‫But I would like you to remember that possibly it's not really answering the question because it's reporting
‫something that might not be true 500, 150 200 250.
‫We could maybe see here.
‫I think I'll leave this in just because there's a possibility of slight downward trends.
‫I mean, there is this here, so I will leave that in.
‫It's probably not something that I would have reported in the overview, but OK.
‫So you can just see I've added a full stop here.
‫So again, a common mistake the students often make is to not begin a new sentence when it's appropriate
‫and to use commas too often.
‫OK, so that's kind of a grammar error, really a punctuation and sentence structure error.
‫So let's go on.
‫So we've got the full stop.
‫Meanwhile, the next two during the next as a Google Docs just suggested, I think that makes more sense
‫during the next 200 years.
‫Both pollutants, pollutants.
‫So bit by bit a rapid decrease 50, 100, 150, 200, 250.
‫So I think we now he's reporting this June is reporting from eighteen hundred both pollutants.
‫So bit by bit a rapid decrease with some fluctuations around 1910 to 1960.
‫And there are fluctuations here that's more around the 1922 sort of 70 mark.
‫Seventy five mark.
‫And that's okay.
‫I'm going to say during the next two years, based pollutants saw a rapid decrease.
‫I think he's probably reporting from around here.
‫So what I would say is possibly to rewrite this and say from 19:00 onwards, or we could even say from
‫18, let's call that 1880 during that from 1880, let's say that from eighteen eighty onwards comma,
‫both pollutants saw a rapid decrease.
‫So we need to make a change here.
‫So this is a larger change, and you can see that's kind of why it's probably around that five point
‫five band score because in terms of improving and getting the report to be accurate, I need to make
‫these big sweeping changes.
‫The bigger the changes you need to make, the lower really.
‫The band school is going to be for those higher band school of seven point five A's, there is only
‫these smaller changes that you need to make.
‫So yeah, that's why really, we're looking at a five point five, most probably from 1880 onwards.
‫Both pollutants saw a rapid decrease with some fluctuations from, let's say this point here.
‫So we're going to say from, let's say, 1920, just as a side note, you know, if the if you don't
‫think you're quite right, that's maybe 1950 or nineteen twenty five, don't worry, the Examiner is
‫not going to be thinking, actually, you're five, 10 years out as long as you roughly close.
‫That's fine with some fluctuations from 1920.
‫With some downward fluctuations, I would say I'm going to leave that in because this sort of all these
‫fluctuations here.
‫OK, so let's read back the overview.
‫Overall, sulfur dioxide and smoke continued, increasing with slight downward trends in the first 250
‫years.
‫OK, so this sentence is splitting the graph into so let's move on over from sorry.
‫From 1880 onwards, both pollutants saw a rapid decrease, with some fluctuations from 1920.
‫OK, that's good.
‫I think that that's a pretty solid overview is probably not what I would go for.
‫I would have probably said that sulfur sulfur dioxide and smoke that follow each other in terms of downwards
‫and upward trend throughout the line graph, I probably would have also said that sulfur dioxide is
‫by far the highest pollutant in the air throughout the timespan of the line graph.
‫So they're more overview ideas that I would go for.
‫However, this kind of works for me as well.
‫I think that that's pretty good.
‫OK, let's move on from 16:00 to 1870, so a slight change there.
‫Simple is good.
‫Often students will add in vocabulary where it's not really needed.
‫It doesn't make.
‫It's not a huge grammatical error, but simple is best.
‫From 16:00 to 1870, so we've gone from here, missing a little bit of the data, but I'm not going
‫to worry too much from 6500 to 1870, so we're actually going to this part here.
‫It looks like he's split the graph this part, and that's fine.
‫It's not even it's not straight down the middle.
‫However, you know, as long as there's enough reporting of both sets of data, Group one Group two,
‫that's fine from 6500 to 1870 sulphur dioxide.
‫So we've got this oh sorry, I'm spelling it wrong.
‫This sulfur dioxide rapidly increased so we can see that Google's even pointing these things out again.
‫Sulfur dioxide rapidly increase the pollution levels to a, let's say, two around two around up to
‫around six hundred and eighty five micrograms micrograms.
‫I'm just going to add this in.
‫It's important to give the measurement.
‫The measuring language that we're using increase the pollution rapidly increased in pollution levels,
‫the pollution levels in pollution levels to around six hundred eighty five micrograms.
‫This figure so that the sentence really is not started correctly, this figure then stabilized, so
‫we've got a spelling mistake here stabilized.
‫Now I'm British.
‫Stable, stabilized, stabilize.
‫One minute stabilized.
‫Here we go.
‫Stabilized.
‫So this is the British spelling of the word, and I'm British, so that's how I like to spell things.
‫But remember that if you spell American or the British format, it doesn't make a difference for your
‫band score.
‫This figure then stabilized approximately over 30 years, so we're at 18 70 saying that the figure sort
‫of stabilized and it does.
‫You know, I would say for sulfur dioxide, there's actually a drop from there.
‫So again, probably not really doing well.
‫Let's see where exactly are we?
‫This figure then stabilized approximately over 30 years, so we're going from 16 in order to do that.
‫I'm not sure what year we're talking about here.
‫A pike around seventeen twenty five.
‫So it looks like we may be saying from this pot here from 16 seventy to seventeen eighty, I think that's
‫probably where we're going from, let's say.
‫Hmm.
‫I think there needs to be a larger change to this sentence, this figure polluter around six eight five,
‫so we're six eight five micrograms.
‫Let's take a look.
‫I'm trying to work out where the student is, which kind of shows that the organization is not quite
‫right.
‫From 16 to 18, 70 sulfur dioxide rapidly increase to 16.
‫Sorry.
‫Six eight five two 18 70.
‫So I think he's talking around here.
‫That part there, and then he sort of seems to flick back to this stabilize over 30 years, I think
‫we're at this point he seems to be maybe from 17.
‫And I think this is difficult to edit this.
‫But just so, you know, I'm going to actually put this in italics.
‫I think that really the student needs to think more carefully about how and where we're reporting.
‫So signaling to the examiners what years we're talking about.
‫And for example, you could say during the first, let's say, 100 to 150 years, let's say, during
‫the first 100, during the first hundred and twenty five years, both pollutants saw significant increases
‫increases.
‫Let's say, and then I could, you know, go in and sort of explain how much smoke kind of goes up a
‫lot as well.
‫Well, I could maybe say all those sulfur dioxide so far, greater rises, so far greater increases.
‫I say that, however, there's a repetition here, so significant gains.
‫I'll say so that we're not repeating ourselves.
‫So this is probably something that I would start off with for this graph.
‫So although it's paragraph constructed, structured, well, it's actually the some areas really in
‫terms of how this how the student is a step by step explaining.
‫Let's continue following this gradual increase for the next 60 years over the eight hundred and sixty
‫five.
‫So next saw a downward trend.
‫So again, there's some big grammar mistakes in here.
‫And so I'm not going to go through again and edit this, but I wonder if I can make some quick edits
‫following this gradual increase for the next 60 years, so we could probably just get rid of this.
‫There was a gradual increase over the next that was already in the past tense over the next 60 years.
‫And here, really, the student needs to be saying where and from there to the time.
‫From wherever sorry, we're in dates, right?
‫There you go from blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah over the 800 65 microgram mark, we
‫could say.
‫So that's been added in so you can really see now that this is definitely more as I go deeper into the
‫report, it's definitely more of a five point five.
‫There are some real changes that we need to make, and I think really that this is not going to be that
‫six.
‫So, yeah, but and we can just go through and continue to make edits.
‫So next saw it downward, an upward trend for the over for the next four 20 years.
‫So keep that out for 20 years.
‫Upward trend.
‫Google is already suggesting trend how very clever next comma.
‫Not the best in terms of opening phrases.
‫Next, we can see.
‫We can say generally we don't use too many pronouns, but I'm going to use that here just to structure
‫the sentence in a slightly better way.
‫Next, we can see it downward an upward trend for 20 years.
‫That remains that stabilizes stabilizes at around.
‫I think that's what the student is wanting to say here.
‫Around eight hundred and seventy five take this eight hundred and seventy five micrograms.
‫So it's difficult for me also to use synonyms for micrograms.
‫But I'm not going to worry too much about that as that is the given measurement.
‫On the other hand, smoke presented a steady increase.
‫I'm going to keep presented in that.
‫That works for me.
‫We don't need and a steady increase over this time.
‫Time window over this time and sat at over 380 within the year.
‫One two three four.
‫So again, just signalling really clearly to the Examiner, what you what date when in the data you
‫are reporting.
‫So again, I just want to know a little bit clearer where the student is.
‫I'm kind of we know that we look in between six to 18 70, but then specifically within the sentences
‫state where we are the next over the next.
‫So straight away over the next one hundred and thirty years over the next right, I need to cover that
‫from eighteen seventy two thousand both.
‫So far, no need for the brackets.
‫Both sulfur dioxide spelling mistake there by sulfur dioxide and smoke experience.
‫I'm going to try get rid of that experience that I do believe the student made this mistake twice.
‫I experienced a rapid decrease.
‫To zero, the highest in sulfur dioxide, zero, let's get rid of this extra detail here to zero micrograms.
‫Nonetheless, the two of them experienced fluctuations between 1920, OK, yes, nonetheless.
‫Hmm.
‫OK, I leave that saying that's more of a test to style opening phrase, but I think it does quite work
‫to say because we're saying here, you know, eventually went to zero micrograms pretty much and nonetheless
‫kind of works because we're contrasting the two.
‫Nonetheless, the two of them, the two, the let's say, the two, the two of them, I quite like that
‫the two pollutants are used again.
‫The two pollutants experienced
‫experienced fluctuations between 1920 yet to 1970.
‫OK, that's about right.
‫And those smoke variations were more remarkable.
‫And yeah, that's definitely right.
‫And I think that this is just a really good example of whether Stewart has actually stated what years
‫we're talking about, and it just makes it so much easier for the Examiner to understand.
‫And OK, so let's get rid of this.
‫So there's more here.
‫Yeah, I'm definitely going to say initially it was a five point five and possibly that might even be
‫slightly generous.
‫But I think there is some good reporting in there.
‫But the student really needs to say exactly where in the data we're talking about, but also be careful
‫with grammar.
‫There was quite a lot of grammar and vocabulary issues throughout the report.
‫It was a great attempt and you know, a lot of us are starting off at this or, you know, sort of maybe
‫even slightly lower.
‫Don't let that, you know, make you afraid of the IOC's test.
‫It takes time and practice, but also consistent study to really get to the point where you can be writing
‫those seven 7.5 reports and essays.
‫And just remember that to score a band score of seven or seven point five, you need a great deal of
‫fluency that is not an easy task.
‫So it does take time.
‫It takes effort, but you can see here that this is probably now going to be.
‫I don't think it's perfect, but it's up towards the eight point five I would have thought, especially
‫in terms of language and grammar.
‫But it's definitely not perfect.
‫I would rewrite this very differently.
‫However, trying to keep things close to the students report and making some adjustments.
‫This is what we get to and it's a huge improvement on what we had before.
‫OK.
‫So I think really it would be good for you to pause the video and you can have another read through
‫this.
‫As I say, it's not perfect, but it's definitely a big improvement on what we first saw.
‫And yeah, let me know if you found this video useful and I'll try and add some more live feedback videos.
‫And I hope everyone is well and I hope to hear from you soon.