‫Hello and welcome back to your next task to its writing lesson.
‫So as you can see today, we're going to be taking a look at another question.
‫And much like I did with a task one report, I'm going to do some live feedback on a former elite 7+
‫student on their task to ask, So I'm going to do some live feedback on it.
‫I'm going to sort of give it a band score.
‫I'm going to talk about areas for improvement and then I'm going to make some edits live as we go through
‫the essay, maybe a second or third time.
‫But first, I'll be given a band score.
‫I just want to take this opportunity to remind you again that you can repeat the video lessons and course.
‫I think that's a really important thing to do, especially those modeled right videos for A+ rating.
‫Watch them multiple multiple times that will help you to internalize, to remember and be able to use
‫some of the grammatical structures.
‫I use this repetition of rereading many, many, many, many times.
‫Those model answers will really help you to almost act, to acquire, to get that writing voice, to
‫sound more academic.
‫And it's kind of a really useful technique to reread multiple times.
‫Those essays that I've written for you both live as well as in the model answers.
‫So just another tip for you all there.
‫Watch them multiple times.
‫Read through those model answers in the course.
‫Many times you know you might want to read them two or three times a day for a few weeks, two or three
‫weeks.
‫And that will really help you learn the voicing, learn the structures and learn the grammatical structures
‫as well as well as you know it will help with your reading.
‫So just a quick tip, just something I wanted to point out to you.
‫OK.
‫Excuse me, we're on to our live test, to feedback.
‫So I know this is a really useful lesson for you.
‫And yeah, I'm happy to get this uploaded for you as well.
‫So we have our question here.
‫Let's have a read through today.
‫People are buying more consumer goods like jewelry and household appliances.
‫Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
‫Our topic sentence people are buying more consumer goods, jewelry, household appliances.
‫I'm thinking Amazon.
‫I'm thinking non-essential goods, non-essential goods.
‫That's a good bit of vocabulary already.
‫So this is me almost planning, you know, before I've even checked the student's essay and we can see
‫here advantages and disadvantages.
‫You could give your opinion at the end for this as well.
‫If you want this kind of asking you, What do you think?
‫But I'm going to approach this or I would approach this sorry in very much an advantages disadvantages
‫way.
‫So step one supporting paragraph one would be advantages.
‫SB two could be disadvantages, and then you can give your opinion at the end or simply just say there
‫are many advantages or disadvantages for whatever the topic is.
‫OK.
‫Anyway, I was almost planning my own essay there, and so we've got the question.
‫I think it's time to take a look at the essay, but I will just say that I haven't read this for a long
‫time.
‫I don't remember it.
‫I've not done any of our education on this, so this is new for me as it is you.
‫So let us have a read through of everything, OK?
‫First thing I'm thinking is it looks pretty long, which is OK, sometimes depending on how long it
‫takes to write.
‫So let's take a look at the word count.
‫Wow, OK.
‫288.
‫I think it's just because I made the font bigger, so it's easier for you to read.
‫Yeah, that's perfect.
‫298 words.
‫Absolutely perfect.
‫OK.
‫So it looks like we have introduction.
‫Kind of looks quite long, but that's OK.
‫We've got ESP one support in paragraph one.
‫ESP two.
‫Yeah, looks good.
‫Nicely kind of balanced.
‫A little bit more in here, but that's fine.
‫And then we have our conclusion here, which is actually four sentences.
‫So we're maybe a little bit long for a conclusion.
‫I usually suggest two sentences.
‫However, no problem.
‫The strategies that I teach you will really, really, really help.
‫However, you know, it's not going to be the end of the world if you slightly deviate or move away
‫from some of the things I teach like, for example, a one or two sentence conclusion if there's four
‫sentences.
‫That doesn't mean that it's going to be wrong, but I generally try and recommend to stay to the to
‫the right.
‫Strategies I teach, however, it could be great still.
‫OK, so looks well-structured, that's what I'm looking for right now.
‫I'm looking for a clear structure.
‫I'm looking for paragraph in.
‫I can see that it's well-organized straight away.
‫I'm thinking positively.
‫I'm thinking I can probably quite easily understand the ideas here.
‫OK, so structure looks quite good so far.
‫Good word can.
‫Let's jump into our introduction paragraph.
‫Household devices and jewellery have been preferred more by customers for these days.
‫I'm kind of a read through.
‫I'm not going to stop too much to make edits.
‫Now, throughout this essay, I will mainly discuss not only advantages, but also disadvantages of
‫this situation and express my own opinion on the subject.
‫So I like it how the U.S. is going to give his own opinion.
‫And he stated the question time.
‫That's nice.
‫Firstly, I will mention about positive impact as economic side, which is technological development
‫and more employment.
‫Secondly, I will underline negative environmental effects of this understanding as at sea and agricultural
‫pollution.
‫Okay, so you know, there are grammatical errors here.
‫There are some edits that I need to make.
‫However, I'm quite happy because I can see that the student clearly is following a structure, said
‫paraphrasing, stating what questioner is saying?
‫They'll give their own opinion, saying What's going to be coming up in their support in paragraphs?
‫So nice.
‫I can see the student understands how to structure their essay.
‫And yeah, it just is a good start.
‫Even though this grammatical errors and vocabulary and sentence structure errors to well-structured.
‫So nice a good introduction there.
‫First of all, banks, I'm sorry.
‫One minute.
‫Firstly, I will mention the positive impact economy and technological development and employment.
‫So we've got three points.
‫OK, so that's what I'm going to be thinking of here.
‫First of all, buying more products means more technological investment and employability.
‫When people have a new household, product companies invest more to produce better device compared to
‫old one.
‫Therefore, companies hire more engineers, designers and sellers to compete in the market, which contributes
‫to countries employability.
‫OK.
‫In addition, people spend less time to wash their clothes or make a coffee by using household appliances.
‫People spend their time more in their jobs to advance in technology.
‫OK, there's some grammatical errors again, but I think the way it's structured is pretty nice.
‫It's almost kind of like the student has sort of given the overall idea in his first sentence.
‫So he's got his topic sentence here and then just given more examples and more specific and lots of
‫details here.
‫So task achievements pretty good here as well.
‫OK.
‫Secondly, negative environmental effects of this understanding.
‫Secondly, more production causes environmental pollution as agriculture, agricultural sorry and say
‫most people always change their previous devices instead of new one, which leads to plastic waste.
‫For example, undeveloped and developing countries face these challenges more compared to developed
‫countries selling their trashes and wastes these countries.
‫OK, so there's some real grammatical issues there, but not that we can't solve.
‫Undeveloped countries is poorly managed.
‫Bury their trash is underground.
‫This case damages agricultural production by harming soil.
‫Furthermore, more consumption causes more air pollution and sea pollution.
‫OK, I like how we going a bit more into sort of types of pollution.
‫That's kind of interesting country throw away their waste by burying undersea or burning them, which
‫damage sea animals and increase amount of carbon dioxide in the air.
‫OK, so just a quick review here.
‫There's more, more serious grammatical errors kind of in this supporting paragraph.
‫So here is, you know, there's some there is some here, but when it comes here, it looks like I'm
‫going to have to make bigger edits to improve and which is quite normal.
‫So part of writing is something called writing endurance, which means being able to maintain accuracy
‫and quality of writing for an extended period of time.
‫So often, students writing.
‫Can get worse, especially in the second supporting paragraph.
‫And really, what needs to happen is to improve that is for the students to just practice writing these
‫longer essays again and again and then grammar vocabulary doesn't drop too much as we go later into
‫our writing.
‫OK.
‫And we're on to our conclusion.
‫So to conclude, consuming more goods has either environmental effect or economic impact.
‫Again, some addicts need it there.
‫In my opinion, disadvantages have more dominant than advantages.
‫People should maintain a balance between financial and environmental side.
‫Otherwise, people can disrupt ecological balance in the world.
‫OK, so it's pretty detailed conclusion, I quite like it, to be honest, I like how the student has
‫given some more reasons as well, even though it doesn't stick to my two sentence conclusion.
‫I still pretty.
‫I still like this.
‫I still think it's quite good.
‫So I'm happy with that, right?
‫Let me have a thing say it definitely has some positives in here.
‫This structure answers the question.
‫Well, there's a range of cohesive devices, such as sentence openers.
‫There's some interesting sentence structures.
‫Well, it's not all just simple sentences, and it's not all, just really long sentences, so there's
‫a range of sentence types.
‫And so that's good.
‫But for the negatives, there's obviously some grammatical errors.
‫So there's a range of sentence types, but within those sentences, there's some issues with structure.
‫So how the sentence has been structured grammatically and there's similar vocabulary errors as well.
‫And I'd also like to see more of a range of vocabulary.
‫I think the wastes was used a lot and trashes, and I think we can think of some other words for this.
‫But overall, it's a pretty strong essay and there's just definite room for improvement.
‫So I would probably say round about a band score six, I would say just because the grammatical errors
‫are a bit too consistent and especially towards this second supporting paragraph, they become more
‫problematic.
‫So it's a little bit harder to read, but I think this is a great base for the student to improve on.
‫So just to keep studying and keep improving because clearly the student understands how to write academically
‫can clearly structure some writing and obviously has a pretty good grasp of English.
‫But I just think with edits, you know, it needs some editing.
‫So probably around that six, although I wouldn't be too surprised if it was to score a five point five,
‫but I think a six is probably about right.
‫So let's go through this and I'll make some edits as we go.
‫Yeah, so that's what I'm going to suggest.
‫You can see how we're going to move things forward now.
‫Household devices and jewellery have been preferred more by customers these days, more so straight
‫away.
‫I need to make an edit here.
‫Household devices and jewellery more preferred are more preferred these days by consumers, so that's
‫a pretty big idea.
‫You know, that's kind of like straight away, quite a big change.
‫Household devices and jewellery are more preferred these days by consumers.
‫Throughout this essay, I will mainly discuss not only the advantages, but also the disadvantages of
‫this situation and express my own opinion on the subject.
‫Firstly, I will mention, actually, I'm going to try and highlight for you what I've made changes.
‫Well, apologies.
‫Firstly, I will mention, I will mention about the positive.
‫I will mention the I don't think we need about here.
‫I will mention the positive impacts
‫such as such as the economic side, such as economic economic benefits.
‫Which is technical, which which is technological development and more employment.
‫OK, I'll accept that I don't think that's the nicest structure, but I think grammatically it's OK.
‫Let's just read this back.
‫Firstly, I will mention the I will mention it almost sounds a little bit to an academic mention.
‫I will explore sounds better.
‫Firstly, I will explore the positive impacts, such as economic benefits, which are.
‫Technological development and more employment are because we're talking about two different top subjects
‫here.
‫Secondly, I will underline the negative environmental effect.
‫So obviously issues with articles here, the negative environmental effects of this understanding of
‫this topic, of this topic, such as at sea and agricultural pollution.
‫So I'm just going to have a read back of the whole introduction paragraph.
‫And just thing is this that sort of top band score yet 8.5, maybe, let's say household devices and
‫jewelry are more preferred these days by consumers throughout this essay.
‫I will mainly discuss not only the advantages, but also the disadvantages of the situation and express
‫my own opinion on the subject.
‫Firstly, I will explore the positive impacts such as economic benefits, which are technological development
‫and more employment.
‫Secondly, I will underline the negative environmental effects of this topic, such as air, sea and
‫agricultural pollution.
‫Yet that's a solid the very good introduction paragraph that just with the changes made.
‫OK, let's continue.
‫First of all, buying more products means more technological investment and employability.
‫OK, yep, that's fine.
‫When people have a new household, product companies invest more to produce better devices when compared
‫to when compared to older ones.
‫Now, better devices, OK, I'll take that it's a little bit too specific devices in the computer device,
‫but we're also talking generally about consumer goods.
‫But that's OK.
‫When people have a new household, products companies invest more to produce better devices and goods
‫at this end and goods when compared to older ones.
‫Therefore, companies hire more engineers, designers and sellers to compete in the market, which contributes
‫to a country's employability.
‫Now that's probably a vocabulary error because a country isn't employable.
‫That's not a quality that a country can have.
‫It's a quality that a person or an individual has.
‫So we need to make an edit here.
‫I understand the idea of the country's ability to employ the public, but the vocabulary is not quite
‫right.
‫Therefore, companies hire more engineers, designers and sellers to compete in the market, which contributes
‫to a country's ability.
‫I'll just go with the way I said it ability to employ its citizens.
‫There's probably some other ways that you can say this, but off the top of my head that seems to work,
‫which contributes to a country's ability to employ its citizens.
‫In addition, people spend less time washing.
‫So we've got a 10 Zara here washing their clothes or making coffees or making coffee by using household
‫appliances.
‫Yeah, that's good.
‫I like that.
‫People spend their time more on their jobs to advance in technology.
‫So this was probably one of the sentences in the essay that I was kind of a bit confused with.
‫And we can probably interpret or understand it in two ways.
‫People spent their time more on their jobs to advance in technology, meaning people who were employed
‫in designing tech spent more time in their work.
‫Is that an advantage?
‫Possibly.
‫People spent their time more in their jobs to advance in technology.
‫Now, did the student mean that people were able to work more efficiently because of advances in technology?
‫That would be an advantage, so increased work efficiency in their jobs to advance in technology because
‫of advances in technology?
‫Now, that would make more sense.
‫But I think what the students were actually saying is that people spend their time more on their jobs,
‫as in designers and product developers, spent more times in their work and more time at work in order
‫to advance technology.
‫I'm not convinced that that's really a benefit, that people are working more and more and more advanced
‫in technology, although I suppose, I guess this June is basically saying there's more opportunity
‫for work.
‫And because we need the advancement in technology now, I'm not going to make edits to that.
‫I'm just going to say that that's kind of a problematic sentence because I could, of course, rewrite
‫it, but the meanings not clear.
‫So I'm just going to underline it and just sort of move on.
‫So that's a bit of an issue there that I'd like the student to have maybe just reviewed.
‫OK.
‫Secondly, more production causes environmental pollution, more what production?
‫We need to be more specific here.
‫We need a noun phrase more, let's say techno technology production technology.
‫Is it just technology we're talking about?
‫Think about the question more consumer product production.
‫Let's read that back.
‫Secondly, more consumer product production causes environmental pollution, such as agricultural and
‫sea.
‫OK, that's fine.
‫Interesting topic sentence.
‫Most people.
‫So maybe this is where we get into the problematic part of the essay.
‫Most people always change their previous devices instead of new one, which leads to plastic waste.
‫Most people.
‫Always change that previous, always change.
‫I think maybe we could say upgrade their previous devices, their previous devices instead of a new
‫one.
‫Hmm.
‫A little bit lost on this sentence as well.
‫Most people upgrade or change their previous devices instead of buying purchasing a new one, which
‫leads to plastic waste.
‫Most people, I think that really they are buying.
‫People are buying new goods instead of looking after the ones they have so little bit lost on this to.
‫Most people always upgrade their previous device instead of buying.
‫I'm going to go with it instead of buying a new one, which leads to plastic waste.
‫I don't quite think that it does, but I'm just going to leave, and most people always upgrade their
‫previous devices instead of buying sorry.
‫Here we go.
‫Instead of buying new ones instead of buying new ones.
‫And which leads and this I'm going to change to more of a compound sentence, and this leads to plastic
‫waste.
‫OK.
‫For example, undeveloped and developing countries face these challenges more when compared to developed
‫nations, which is trying to vary the vocabulary here who sell their trash and waste to these countries.
‫Mm, who sell their waste and trash to these countries.
‫I think I know what the student saying that there is sometimes more developed countries are selling
‫waste and waste products and garbage rubbish, trash selling them or moving them to less developed countries.
‫So, yeah, I leave that in, but maybe it needed a bit more of an explanation.
‫Let's read that back.
‫For example, undeveloped and developing countries face these challenges more when compared to developed
‫nations who sell their waste and trash to these countries, undeveloped countries is poorly managed.
‫So here we have an area of oh is singular are plural.
‫Undeveloped countries are poorly managed and bury and bury their waste.
‫I'm going to use garbage, which is obviously a British word, but just to try and use a range of vocabulary.
‫Undeveloped countries are poorly managed and bury their garbage underground.
‫This case damages agricultural production by harming soil.
‫This strategy so again, a vocabulary issue that this strategy damages agricultural production by harming
‫soil.
‫Furthermore, more consumption to highlight that furthermore, more consumption causes air pollution.
‫Furthermore, more air pollution.
‫OK, I'm going to get rid of this here just because it's a repetition of more.
‫Furthermore, more consumption causes air pollution and sea pollution.
‫Countries throw away their wastes by burying them under sea under the sea floor.
‫I would say here, to be honest.
‫Sea floor or burning them, which in turn, so just giving it that extra bit of flair to improve the
‫band score, which in turn damaged sea damage sea animals may be a slight error, which in turn kill
‫sea animals and increase the amount the amount of carbon dioxide in the air.
‫OK.
‫Quite a few edits there through this paragraph, but I'm not going to read it all back.
‫You can, of course, pause the video and read it back, but I'm very confident that that's now a really
‫solid support in paragraph two.
‫OK, and we can see lots of edits here, so if you want to pause it, go for it and you can have a read
‫through the second supporting paragraph now.
‫OK, so let's take a look at the conclusion to conclude consuming more goods has either has have either
‫environmental effects or economic impacts.
‫So there are many, so we need to keep this as a plural noun.
‫To conclude, consuming more goods have either environmental effects or economic impacts, and I'm going
‫to add brackets here just to show off a little bit or both.
‫So if you can just once use brackets, it's always good.
‫But of course, use them accurately, in my opinion.
‫The disadvantages have more.
‫Dominance is dominance, then the advantages
‫people should maintain a balance between financial and environmental care.
‫Otherwise, people can disrupt ecological balance ecological balances in the world.
‫OK, so that is the whole essay there and we've gone through made edits and yet we've made changes as
‫much as possible is a strong essay.
‫You know, it's a banned school six, possibly five point five once we've gone a bit more deep into
‫it.
‫But I think the student does have a good level of fluency and this is a great base to build on, you
‫know, giving those really hard study of a few weeks, you know, a couple of months, I can definitely
‫see the student making improvements.
‫Remember that it takes time, hard work and patience.
‫So these are qualities that we need to think about when we are practicing for the IOC.
‫Yeah.
‫So there you go.
‫Have a pause through, have a good read through and think about the edits that I've made and I hope
‫that you found this video lesson useful.
‫And yeah, do you always remember drop me a message, say hello, I'm here to help and all the very
‫best, and I'll see you in the next lesson.