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‫Hello and welcome back to your next task to its writing lesson.

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‫So as you can see today, we're going to be taking a look at another question.

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‫And much like I did with a task one report, I'm going to do some live feedback on a former elite 7+

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‫student on their task to ask, So I'm going to do some live feedback on it.

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‫I'm going to sort of give it a band score.

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‫I'm going to talk about areas for improvement and then I'm going to make some edits live as we go through

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‫the essay, maybe a second or third time.

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‫But first, I'll be given a band score.

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‫I just want to take this opportunity to remind you again that you can repeat the video lessons and course.

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‫I think that's a really important thing to do, especially those modeled right videos for A+ rating.

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‫Watch them multiple multiple times that will help you to internalize, to remember and be able to use

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‫some of the grammatical structures.

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‫I use this repetition of rereading many, many, many, many times.

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‫Those model answers will really help you to almost act, to acquire, to get that writing voice, to

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‫sound more academic.

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‫And it's kind of a really useful technique to reread multiple times.

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‫Those essays that I've written for you both live as well as in the model answers.

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‫So just another tip for you all there.

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‫Watch them multiple times.

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‫Read through those model answers in the course.

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‫Many times you know you might want to read them two or three times a day for a few weeks, two or three

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‫weeks.

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‫And that will really help you learn the voicing, learn the structures and learn the grammatical structures

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‫as well as well as you know it will help with your reading.

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‫So just a quick tip, just something I wanted to point out to you.

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‫OK.

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‫Excuse me, we're on to our live test, to feedback.

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‫So I know this is a really useful lesson for you.

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‫And yeah, I'm happy to get this uploaded for you as well.

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‫So we have our question here.

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‫Let's have a read through today.

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‫People are buying more consumer goods like jewelry and household appliances.

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‫Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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‫Our topic sentence people are buying more consumer goods, jewelry, household appliances.

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‫I'm thinking Amazon.

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‫I'm thinking non-essential goods, non-essential goods.

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‫That's a good bit of vocabulary already.

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‫So this is me almost planning, you know, before I've even checked the student's essay and we can see

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‫here advantages and disadvantages.

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‫You could give your opinion at the end for this as well.

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‫If you want this kind of asking you, What do you think?

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‫But I'm going to approach this or I would approach this sorry in very much an advantages disadvantages

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‫way.

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‫So step one supporting paragraph one would be advantages.

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‫SB two could be disadvantages, and then you can give your opinion at the end or simply just say there

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‫are many advantages or disadvantages for whatever the topic is.

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‫OK.

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‫Anyway, I was almost planning my own essay there, and so we've got the question.

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‫I think it's time to take a look at the essay, but I will just say that I haven't read this for a long

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‫time.

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‫I don't remember it.

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‫I've not done any of our education on this, so this is new for me as it is you.

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‫So let us have a read through of everything, OK?

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‫First thing I'm thinking is it looks pretty long, which is OK, sometimes depending on how long it

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‫takes to write.

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‫So let's take a look at the word count.

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‫Wow, OK.

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‫288.

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‫I think it's just because I made the font bigger, so it's easier for you to read.

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‫Yeah, that's perfect.

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‫298 words.

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‫Absolutely perfect.

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‫OK.

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‫So it looks like we have introduction.

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‫Kind of looks quite long, but that's OK.

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‫We've got ESP one support in paragraph one.

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‫ESP two.

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‫Yeah, looks good.

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‫Nicely kind of balanced.

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‫A little bit more in here, but that's fine.

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‫And then we have our conclusion here, which is actually four sentences.

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‫So we're maybe a little bit long for a conclusion.

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‫I usually suggest two sentences.

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‫However, no problem.

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‫The strategies that I teach you will really, really, really help.

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‫However, you know, it's not going to be the end of the world if you slightly deviate or move away

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‫from some of the things I teach like, for example, a one or two sentence conclusion if there's four

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‫sentences.

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‫That doesn't mean that it's going to be wrong, but I generally try and recommend to stay to the to

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‫the right.

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‫Strategies I teach, however, it could be great still.

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‫OK, so looks well-structured, that's what I'm looking for right now.

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‫I'm looking for a clear structure.

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‫I'm looking for paragraph in.

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‫I can see that it's well-organized straight away.

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‫I'm thinking positively.

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‫I'm thinking I can probably quite easily understand the ideas here.

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‫OK, so structure looks quite good so far.

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‫Good word can.

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‫Let's jump into our introduction paragraph.

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‫Household devices and jewellery have been preferred more by customers for these days.

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‫I'm kind of a read through.

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‫I'm not going to stop too much to make edits.

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‫Now, throughout this essay, I will mainly discuss not only advantages, but also disadvantages of

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‫this situation and express my own opinion on the subject.

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‫So I like it how the U.S. is going to give his own opinion.

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‫And he stated the question time.

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‫That's nice.

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‫Firstly, I will mention about positive impact as economic side, which is technological development

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‫and more employment.

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‫Secondly, I will underline negative environmental effects of this understanding as at sea and agricultural

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‫pollution.

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‫Okay, so you know, there are grammatical errors here.

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‫There are some edits that I need to make.

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‫However, I'm quite happy because I can see that the student clearly is following a structure, said

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‫paraphrasing, stating what questioner is saying?

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‫They'll give their own opinion, saying What's going to be coming up in their support in paragraphs?

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‫So nice.

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‫I can see the student understands how to structure their essay.

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‫And yeah, it just is a good start.

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‫Even though this grammatical errors and vocabulary and sentence structure errors to well-structured.

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‫So nice a good introduction there.

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‫First of all, banks, I'm sorry.

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‫One minute.

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‫Firstly, I will mention the positive impact economy and technological development and employment.

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‫So we've got three points.

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‫OK, so that's what I'm going to be thinking of here.

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‫First of all, buying more products means more technological investment and employability.

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‫When people have a new household, product companies invest more to produce better device compared to

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‫old one.

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‫Therefore, companies hire more engineers, designers and sellers to compete in the market, which contributes

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‫to countries employability.

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‫OK.

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‫In addition, people spend less time to wash their clothes or make a coffee by using household appliances.

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‫People spend their time more in their jobs to advance in technology.

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‫OK, there's some grammatical errors again, but I think the way it's structured is pretty nice.

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‫It's almost kind of like the student has sort of given the overall idea in his first sentence.

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‫So he's got his topic sentence here and then just given more examples and more specific and lots of

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‫details here.

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‫So task achievements pretty good here as well.

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‫OK.

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‫Secondly, negative environmental effects of this understanding.

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‫Secondly, more production causes environmental pollution as agriculture, agricultural sorry and say

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‫most people always change their previous devices instead of new one, which leads to plastic waste.

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‫For example, undeveloped and developing countries face these challenges more compared to developed

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‫countries selling their trashes and wastes these countries.

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‫OK, so there's some real grammatical issues there, but not that we can't solve.

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‫Undeveloped countries is poorly managed.

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‫Bury their trash is underground.

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‫This case damages agricultural production by harming soil.

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‫Furthermore, more consumption causes more air pollution and sea pollution.

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‫OK, I like how we going a bit more into sort of types of pollution.

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‫That's kind of interesting country throw away their waste by burying undersea or burning them, which

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‫damage sea animals and increase amount of carbon dioxide in the air.

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‫OK, so just a quick review here.

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‫There's more, more serious grammatical errors kind of in this supporting paragraph.

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‫So here is, you know, there's some there is some here, but when it comes here, it looks like I'm

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‫going to have to make bigger edits to improve and which is quite normal.

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‫So part of writing is something called writing endurance, which means being able to maintain accuracy

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‫and quality of writing for an extended period of time.

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‫So often, students writing.

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‫Can get worse, especially in the second supporting paragraph.

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‫And really, what needs to happen is to improve that is for the students to just practice writing these

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‫longer essays again and again and then grammar vocabulary doesn't drop too much as we go later into

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‫our writing.

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‫OK.

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‫And we're on to our conclusion.

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‫So to conclude, consuming more goods has either environmental effect or economic impact.

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‫Again, some addicts need it there.

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‫In my opinion, disadvantages have more dominant than advantages.

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‫People should maintain a balance between financial and environmental side.

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‫Otherwise, people can disrupt ecological balance in the world.

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‫OK, so it's pretty detailed conclusion, I quite like it, to be honest, I like how the student has

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‫given some more reasons as well, even though it doesn't stick to my two sentence conclusion.

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‫I still pretty.

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‫I still like this.

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‫I still think it's quite good.

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‫So I'm happy with that, right?

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‫Let me have a thing say it definitely has some positives in here.

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‫This structure answers the question.

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‫Well, there's a range of cohesive devices, such as sentence openers.

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‫There's some interesting sentence structures.

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‫Well, it's not all just simple sentences, and it's not all, just really long sentences, so there's

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‫a range of sentence types.

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‫And so that's good.

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‫But for the negatives, there's obviously some grammatical errors.

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‫So there's a range of sentence types, but within those sentences, there's some issues with structure.

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‫So how the sentence has been structured grammatically and there's similar vocabulary errors as well.

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‫And I'd also like to see more of a range of vocabulary.

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‫I think the wastes was used a lot and trashes, and I think we can think of some other words for this.

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‫But overall, it's a pretty strong essay and there's just definite room for improvement.

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‫So I would probably say round about a band score six, I would say just because the grammatical errors

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‫are a bit too consistent and especially towards this second supporting paragraph, they become more

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‫problematic.

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‫So it's a little bit harder to read, but I think this is a great base for the student to improve on.

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‫So just to keep studying and keep improving because clearly the student understands how to write academically

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‫can clearly structure some writing and obviously has a pretty good grasp of English.

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‫But I just think with edits, you know, it needs some editing.

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‫So probably around that six, although I wouldn't be too surprised if it was to score a five point five,

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‫but I think a six is probably about right.

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‫So let's go through this and I'll make some edits as we go.

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‫Yeah, so that's what I'm going to suggest.

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‫You can see how we're going to move things forward now.

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‫Household devices and jewellery have been preferred more by customers these days, more so straight

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‫away.

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‫I need to make an edit here.

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‫Household devices and jewellery more preferred are more preferred these days by consumers, so that's

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‫a pretty big idea.

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‫You know, that's kind of like straight away, quite a big change.

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‫Household devices and jewellery are more preferred these days by consumers.

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‫Throughout this essay, I will mainly discuss not only the advantages, but also the disadvantages of

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‫this situation and express my own opinion on the subject.

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‫Firstly, I will mention, actually, I'm going to try and highlight for you what I've made changes.

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‫Well, apologies.

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‫Firstly, I will mention, I will mention about the positive.

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‫I will mention the I don't think we need about here.

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‫I will mention the positive impacts

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‫such as such as the economic side, such as economic economic benefits.

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‫Which is technical, which which is technological development and more employment.

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‫OK, I'll accept that I don't think that's the nicest structure, but I think grammatically it's OK.

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‫Let's just read this back.

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‫Firstly, I will mention the I will mention it almost sounds a little bit to an academic mention.

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‫I will explore sounds better.

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‫Firstly, I will explore the positive impacts, such as economic benefits, which are.

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‫Technological development and more employment are because we're talking about two different top subjects

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‫here.

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‫Secondly, I will underline the negative environmental effect.

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‫So obviously issues with articles here, the negative environmental effects of this understanding of

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‫this topic, of this topic, such as at sea and agricultural pollution.

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‫So I'm just going to have a read back of the whole introduction paragraph.

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‫And just thing is this that sort of top band score yet 8.5, maybe, let's say household devices and

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‫jewelry are more preferred these days by consumers throughout this essay.

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‫I will mainly discuss not only the advantages, but also the disadvantages of the situation and express

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‫my own opinion on the subject.

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‫Firstly, I will explore the positive impacts such as economic benefits, which are technological development

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‫and more employment.

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‫Secondly, I will underline the negative environmental effects of this topic, such as air, sea and

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‫agricultural pollution.

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‫Yet that's a solid the very good introduction paragraph that just with the changes made.

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‫OK, let's continue.

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‫First of all, buying more products means more technological investment and employability.

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‫OK, yep, that's fine.

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‫When people have a new household, product companies invest more to produce better devices when compared

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‫to when compared to older ones.

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‫Now, better devices, OK, I'll take that it's a little bit too specific devices in the computer device,

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‫but we're also talking generally about consumer goods.

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‫But that's OK.

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‫When people have a new household, products companies invest more to produce better devices and goods

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‫at this end and goods when compared to older ones.

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‫Therefore, companies hire more engineers, designers and sellers to compete in the market, which contributes

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‫to a country's employability.

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‫Now that's probably a vocabulary error because a country isn't employable.

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‫That's not a quality that a country can have.

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‫It's a quality that a person or an individual has.

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‫So we need to make an edit here.

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‫I understand the idea of the country's ability to employ the public, but the vocabulary is not quite

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‫right.

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‫Therefore, companies hire more engineers, designers and sellers to compete in the market, which contributes

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‫to a country's ability.

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‫I'll just go with the way I said it ability to employ its citizens.

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‫There's probably some other ways that you can say this, but off the top of my head that seems to work,

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‫which contributes to a country's ability to employ its citizens.

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‫In addition, people spend less time washing.

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‫So we've got a 10 Zara here washing their clothes or making coffees or making coffee by using household

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‫appliances.

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‫Yeah, that's good.

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‫I like that.

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‫People spend their time more on their jobs to advance in technology.

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‫So this was probably one of the sentences in the essay that I was kind of a bit confused with.

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‫And we can probably interpret or understand it in two ways.

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‫People spent their time more on their jobs to advance in technology, meaning people who were employed

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‫in designing tech spent more time in their work.

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‫Is that an advantage?

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‫Possibly.

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‫People spent their time more in their jobs to advance in technology.

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‫Now, did the student mean that people were able to work more efficiently because of advances in technology?

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‫That would be an advantage, so increased work efficiency in their jobs to advance in technology because

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‫of advances in technology?

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‫Now, that would make more sense.

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‫But I think what the students were actually saying is that people spend their time more on their jobs,

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‫as in designers and product developers, spent more times in their work and more time at work in order

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‫to advance technology.

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‫I'm not convinced that that's really a benefit, that people are working more and more and more advanced

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‫in technology, although I suppose, I guess this June is basically saying there's more opportunity

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‫for work.

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‫And because we need the advancement in technology now, I'm not going to make edits to that.

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‫I'm just going to say that that's kind of a problematic sentence because I could, of course, rewrite

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‫it, but the meanings not clear.

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‫So I'm just going to underline it and just sort of move on.

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‫So that's a bit of an issue there that I'd like the student to have maybe just reviewed.

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‫OK.

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‫Secondly, more production causes environmental pollution, more what production?

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‫We need to be more specific here.

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‫We need a noun phrase more, let's say techno technology production technology.

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‫Is it just technology we're talking about?

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‫Think about the question more consumer product production.

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‫Let's read that back.

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‫Secondly, more consumer product production causes environmental pollution, such as agricultural and

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‫sea.

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‫OK, that's fine.

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‫Interesting topic sentence.

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‫Most people.

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‫So maybe this is where we get into the problematic part of the essay.

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‫Most people always change their previous devices instead of new one, which leads to plastic waste.

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‫Most people.

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‫Always change that previous, always change.

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‫I think maybe we could say upgrade their previous devices, their previous devices instead of a new

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‫one.

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‫Hmm.

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‫A little bit lost on this sentence as well.

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‫Most people upgrade or change their previous devices instead of buying purchasing a new one, which

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‫leads to plastic waste.

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‫Most people, I think that really they are buying.

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‫People are buying new goods instead of looking after the ones they have so little bit lost on this to.

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‫Most people always upgrade their previous device instead of buying.

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‫I'm going to go with it instead of buying a new one, which leads to plastic waste.

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‫I don't quite think that it does, but I'm just going to leave, and most people always upgrade their

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‫previous devices instead of buying sorry.

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‫Here we go.

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‫Instead of buying new ones instead of buying new ones.

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‫And which leads and this I'm going to change to more of a compound sentence, and this leads to plastic

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‫waste.

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‫OK.

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‫For example, undeveloped and developing countries face these challenges more when compared to developed

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‫nations, which is trying to vary the vocabulary here who sell their trash and waste to these countries.

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‫Mm, who sell their waste and trash to these countries.

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‫I think I know what the student saying that there is sometimes more developed countries are selling

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‫waste and waste products and garbage rubbish, trash selling them or moving them to less developed countries.

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‫So, yeah, I leave that in, but maybe it needed a bit more of an explanation.

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‫Let's read that back.

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‫For example, undeveloped and developing countries face these challenges more when compared to developed

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‫nations who sell their waste and trash to these countries, undeveloped countries is poorly managed.

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‫So here we have an area of oh is singular are plural.

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‫Undeveloped countries are poorly managed and bury and bury their waste.

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‫I'm going to use garbage, which is obviously a British word, but just to try and use a range of vocabulary.

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‫Undeveloped countries are poorly managed and bury their garbage underground.

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‫This case damages agricultural production by harming soil.

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‫This strategy so again, a vocabulary issue that this strategy damages agricultural production by harming

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‫soil.

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‫Furthermore, more consumption to highlight that furthermore, more consumption causes air pollution.

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‫Furthermore, more air pollution.

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‫OK, I'm going to get rid of this here just because it's a repetition of more.

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‫Furthermore, more consumption causes air pollution and sea pollution.

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‫Countries throw away their wastes by burying them under sea under the sea floor.

335
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‫I would say here, to be honest.

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‫Sea floor or burning them, which in turn, so just giving it that extra bit of flair to improve the

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‫band score, which in turn damaged sea damage sea animals may be a slight error, which in turn kill

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‫sea animals and increase the amount the amount of carbon dioxide in the air.

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‫OK.

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‫Quite a few edits there through this paragraph, but I'm not going to read it all back.

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‫You can, of course, pause the video and read it back, but I'm very confident that that's now a really

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‫solid support in paragraph two.

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‫OK, and we can see lots of edits here, so if you want to pause it, go for it and you can have a read

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‫through the second supporting paragraph now.

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‫OK, so let's take a look at the conclusion to conclude consuming more goods has either has have either

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‫environmental effects or economic impacts.

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‫So there are many, so we need to keep this as a plural noun.

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‫To conclude, consuming more goods have either environmental effects or economic impacts, and I'm going

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‫to add brackets here just to show off a little bit or both.

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‫So if you can just once use brackets, it's always good.

351
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‫But of course, use them accurately, in my opinion.

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‫The disadvantages have more.

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‫Dominance is dominance, then the advantages

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‫people should maintain a balance between financial and environmental care.

355
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‫Otherwise, people can disrupt ecological balance ecological balances in the world.

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‫OK, so that is the whole essay there and we've gone through made edits and yet we've made changes as

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‫much as possible is a strong essay.

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‫You know, it's a banned school six, possibly five point five once we've gone a bit more deep into

359
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‫it.

360
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‫But I think the student does have a good level of fluency and this is a great base to build on, you

361
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‫know, giving those really hard study of a few weeks, you know, a couple of months, I can definitely

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‫see the student making improvements.

363
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‫Remember that it takes time, hard work and patience.

364
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‫So these are qualities that we need to think about when we are practicing for the IOC.

365
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‫Yeah.

366
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‫So there you go.

367
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‫Have a pause through, have a good read through and think about the edits that I've made and I hope

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‫that you found this video lesson useful.

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‫And yeah, do you always remember drop me a message, say hello, I'm here to help and all the very

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‫best, and I'll see you in the next lesson.