All right.
So now what I'm going to do is I'm going to be walking through one paragraph and talking about problems
with the paragraph.
And also what do we need to do to upgrade the paragraph to make it better?
So I'm going to use one body paragraph to illustrate band seven plus writing.
This will be done by walking through the step by step process of upgrading a paragraph according to
rubric requirements for Band seven plus writing.
See if you understand the rubric and you understand what all the boxes mean for seven plus writing,
seven, eight, nine writing, and you understand how to do that.
Then you can write the kind of essay that the examiner wants.
You know, that's your audience.
Your audience is the examiner, and you have to understand your audience.
What does my audience want, right?
What is my audience looking for?
Am I giving my audience what I'm looking for?
It's not about how good are your ideas?
I don't care if Ezra has good ideas.
Does it matter if Ezra has good ideas?
Care about the expression of them.
What's the quality of English in terms of how she's expressing them?
You care about if it's a good idea or not.
All right, so look at this body paragraph.
So the first thing I want to know is what's the problem with this body paragraph?
Can you spot all of the weaknesses in this paragraph?
Right.
Why would this score below a six?
If you want to make a list in the chat box of everything that is wrong with this paragraph, but don't
do it word by word.
Write everything, put it, put it, put everything that you think is wrong in one response.
Don't put number one return.
Number two, return.
Number three, return.
Put it all together, please.
Right.
But make a list of everything that you think is wrong with this body paragraph.
You should be able to look at this body paragraph.
And be able to identify the problems.
If you're able to identify the problems, that means that you're most likely not going to commit those
problems or make those mistakes.
Well, there's no problem with over linking.
There's no linking, really.
All right.
So Sunder sees all simple sentences.
No, the controlling ideas, they're resale points out that we're using some of the same words over
and over.
That's a good point.
Same words.
Now we're only looking at a body paragraphs.
Esther, what are you talking about?
No intro.
As for all we're looking at, is this one body paragraph be to prod.
Good point.
There's something missing from the topic sentence.
Went home.
Good point.
It doesn't bother addressing the question.
That's the problem.
I don't know.
I don't even know what f three sentence means.
Now the technology is defined because it tells us the combustion engine.
Right.
So we see the we see that in the in the topic sentence.
What we're going to do is I'm going to now walk through it in terms of going through some of these problems
step by step.
Our first issue is with the topic sentence.
Right now on its face, this topic sentence looks okay.
But there is there is one aspect that is missing from the topic sentence.
Right.
What is what is the one aspect or one part that is missing from the topic sentence?
Does anybody know?
What's missing from the topic sentence?
No.
Okay.
Who is that?
But save the near.
Understand?
The question is about what would you replace?
What would you replace?
Right.
And so that's missing from the topic sentence, right?
We have we have the technology here, the combustion engine.
But if a person reads this, if a person reads this topic sentence, will they have any idea that the
question is about replacing it?
Right.
Will they have any idea about that?
The first problem that we can identify is that we have an incomplete topic sentence.
We have an incomplete topic sentence.
And so if we were to fix that topic sentence, it would just look something like that.
Very simple.
Firstly, the biggest drawback to combustion engines is that they cause pollution karma demanding its
replacement.
Now we have the question, you know, the question that has to be addressed in the topic sentence.
Right.
There was something missing from the topic sentence.
When you don't, again, like I said, if you don't write topic sentences correctly, you really destroy
the coherence and cohesion of a paragraph because the whole paragraph is based on the topic sentence.
I see people putting too controlling ideas in a topic sentence and messing it up, or they put a bunch
of details in the topic sentence and mess up the cohesion.
Or they add all this, you know, irrelevant language in a topic sentence and mess up the cohesion and
mess up the coherence.
So topic sentences are have a very specific purpose.
And they're written in a specific way to accomplish specific goals.
And you have to be able to to be able to do that.
So how can we further improve the paragraph?
What else is wrong?
Let's keep walking through the process.
Like I said, I'm going to walk you through it step by step by step to make the paragraph better.