So now we're talking about progression.
Poor progression.
What does poor progression look like?
Right here is our paragraph.
This paragraph has poor progression.
If you don't understand what poor progression or clear progression means, then you're very likely to
make the mistake of having poor progression in your paragraphs.
Right.
So how do we fix the poor progression of this paragraph?
I'm telling you right now, it has poor progression.
It has poor progression.
So now let's go ahead and talk about how do we fix the poor progression of this paragraph.
Marina, if you're going to tell me the second sentence has poor progression, why write why v to prod.
You're right.
That's that's the best that's dealing with the progression problem.
Okay.
So when we're talking about poor progression, we're talking about that the essay is not constantly
moving forward.
The sentences in the paragraphs are not properly sequence.
Your paragraph needs to tell new information about the central idea of the paragraph.
This second point is really a good example of what progression means.
Does your paragraph tell us new information about the central idea of the paragraph?
Does your paragraph further explain or narrow the focus of each new idea?
Are you adding to the argument or are you repeating it?
We have a couple of examples from students, right, in terms of being able to look at it so we can
see it.
This one here on the left hand side, and I can't remember who that is.
Maybe the guy named Viz to Prod is the one who did this one.
Firstly, the biggest drawback to combustion engines is that they cause pollution demanding its replacement
or demanding their replacement maybe because we say engines, but so his next sentence, in fact, these
mechanisms produce large quantities of exhaust fumes, extremely dangerous for the health of humans
and the planet in general.
He's starting off with progression.
Because our paragraph has to talk about pollution, right?
It has to talk about pollution and replacement.
So his next sentence is talking about pollution or contamination.
All right.
He has progression.
And then the next sentence, according to recent research, is 90% of users still drive combustion cars,
which clarify why we should prefer eco friendly systems instead.
This next part, his progression stopped right here with this next sentence because he's not really
talking about pollution.
Maybe he's talking a little bit about replacement here slightly.
There's next one here.
This person also has progression also.
You know their next sentence.
People have been driving combustion cars for 100 years, creating severe pollution.
We're progressing about pollution.
These cars not only increase the rate of carbon dioxide, but also increase the rate of other chemical
gases we are progressing with.
We are we are progressing.
We're still talking about pollution and we're adding in new information.
For example, recent research shows that 90% of people today still drive combustion cars.
So now we've stopped.
Whoever this is, you messed up the progression because this sentence has nothing to do with the progression.
It has nothing to do with the progression of pollution or replacing the combustion engine.
So this sentence is an interruption in progression, then they pick back up on progression again.
This clearly points out that chemical gases that are dangerous to health are too high in the air.
So we're talking about it.
So this person has somewhat progression.
Also, when we're talking about progression, everybody we're talking about are you progressing the
central idea of the body paragraph?
Are you progressing the topic sentence?
Now we see some examples of of where this well, they didn't do a good job.
People have been driving combustion cars for 100 years.
So what?
This is not progressing.
The controlling idea.
Recent research shows that 90% of people still drive combustion cars.
So what?
That is not progressing.
That's not progressing.
The central idea.
This shows that combustion cars are used too much today.
So what?
Write these first three sentences.
Sentences can be thrown away.
Combustion engines use fuels which are going to be extinct in the near future.
So what?
You're not telling me how they cause pollution?
The alternative to the internal combustion engine is the electric powered vehicle.
Right.
How is this related to pollution?
Right.
So one thing that you all have to understand is what?
What does clear progression mean?
Do we have progression from the beginning of the paragraph all the way to the end of the paragraph?
All right.
Here's an example of progression.
First, combustion engines are the causes of environmental pollution by carbon dioxide emissions.
Next, carbon dioxide emissions are the cause of global warming by giving heat.
Second, combustion engines make nitrogen oxide that makes toxic brown gas and the air.
Also, nitrogen dioxide and hydrocarbons make ozone pollution.
So the paragraph, at least here, is staying focused on pollution and combustion engines.
The person here has some type of progression, right?
There's some type of progression.
I hope now that everybody is clear on what progression means.
And we had an example of of of poor progression and what clear progression means.
Like and if you don't have clear progression, then you have a big problem.
But what else can we do?
What else can we do with this paragraph?
Right.
There is an example of poor progression and more clear progression right next to each other.
So now let's talk about weak language.
All right.
Let's talk about weak language and ignore this here.
Talking about linking.
We're not there yet.
We're talking about weak language.
So can you identify all the weak words?
Right.
Make a list in the chat box.
What are all the what are all the weak words in this paragraph?
We've improved the progression somewhat.
Now we've gotten better progression, but we still now we have another problem.
The next problem is weak language.
Using weak language often keeps you below a seven.
So see if you can put a list together again.
Put all your words together in one response of the weak language.
Now, toxic.
Toxic brown gas is actually fine.
Ah, is make right.
Those are that's weak language.
It is.
The pollution is definitely a weak word because it's repeated over and over and over again.
There's nothing wrong with that.
And they that's reference pronouns.
Those those are fine give make make calls good job right is our makes right.
So good we've done a good job of of looking at a lot of the the weak language.
All right.
So here you can take a look at the weak language.
The words in red are week words.
Biggest, very basic to is the words in green are words that are repeated where you should try to use
synonyms or paraphrasing.
The words in yellow are phrases that are wordy, right or should be replaced by giving makes make.
We look at word make make, make.
Repeating the same words simple words, basic words, same word, same phrases.
This is what you refer to as weak language.
This is referred to as weak language.
Let's talk about being able to replace the weak words or replace the wordy phrases.
Let's talk about that a little bit.
So if we look here, we can look at what a couple of students did.
You could see that this person tried to include some different words.
The serious drawback of combustion engines are that they cause pollution.
So they did use the word serious here.
First, combustion nations engines force environmental pollution.
Good upgrade.
Next, carbon emission pollution increases heat that causes global warming good leads to.
So that one this person did a pretty good job of trying to upgrade their language.
Firstly, they emit carbon dioxide.
Good job disposes.
I would have disposes.
Nitrogen dioxide oxide, which in turn releases toxic brown gas.
Good job.
Creates ozone depletion.
Good job.
Right.
So I think I think a lot of you are getting the point.
Major.
Pretty good generate huge quantity of carbon dioxide.
These engines emit nitrogen dioxide creates toxic brown gas.
Depletion of ozone deemed as the reason of causing that's kind of wordy can be deemed as the reason
of causing.
That's an example of I'll see you tried to change it, but you made it more wordy.
Whoever did this emits pollution, right?
Produces nitrogen oxide.
So I think I think you all get the point, which is good.
You get the point.
So one on one area in which you can really impress the examiner and be able to move your score from
a six or 6.5 to a seven is you're being able to upgrade the weak language.
Like I said, that's an example of attacking the rubric, attacking the rubric.
Right now here you can see one that really attack the rubric pollution signifies one significant combustion
engine drawback demanding its replacement.
First, fossil fuel engines promote environmental contamination through carbon dioxide emissions.
Next, carbon dioxide emitted impurities advanced global warming through heat reflection.
Second, gasoline powered engines birth nitrogen oxide that discharges airborne toxic brown gas furthermore
combines with hydrogen hydrocarbons to generate the fouling ozone.
Here we can see this person used a lot of paraphrasing and upgrading the language.
Right.
So I hope now we get we get the point of being able to upgrade language, improving upgrade language.
Right.
So we've already upgraded the paragraph a lot.
And right now what we're doing is just putting sugar on top of sugar.
We're making it even more sweet.
But let's see how we can make this paragraph even more sweet.
Here you have the weak language and the stronger language side by side.
And you're able to really look at and really see all the different areas in which we upgraded from weak
to strong.
So what else can we do to improve it?
Well, we have an over linking or a weak linking problem.
And we can see here that this student is really using basic linking first, next, second.
Furthermore.
Overthinking is a problem.
It's a big problem when a student enters basic level English, the first thing they teach them are these
basic level linking words.
And when you somebody when somebody sees your work, there should be a difference between what a basic
student does and what a seven plus student does.
And so sometimes when you over link, it makes your writing to be very mechanical.
And that's a that's a problem, what we're going to do.
Let's go ahead and see if we can repair this over linking.
Okay.
Let's see if we were able to fix some of this over linking or this low level linking.
So here we have a couple of examples.
And this student did a pretty good job.
They started off with most importantly, which sounds better than first.
I do wish that they would have used a different word than secondly, which is a really basic word.
I do like the use of the word consequently, because it's showing a linking between two sentences that's
better linking when you're linking two sentences together like that.
But I don't like the word.
Secondly, it's really basic primary factor.
It's pretty good the use of the word vision that's really good connecting words, that's building cohesion.
Another reason is okay and I also like ultimately because that's connecting those sentences together.
So that's actually been improved.
And then mainly which is good with this.
Again, that's an example of cohesion, of connecting the ideas and sentences together.
This is flowing from one sentence to the next sentence.
I don't know if you should be using most of all here because you already say it mainly.
So if this if this one is mainly this can't be most of all.
So you've got to be careful with that.
Whoever did this, I don't remember.
I don't remember the names.
I'm sorry.
And with this one here, this once person is a good job.
But they're not only, but also.
And then in addition to that.
So this one, this one, this one has improved the coherence and cohesion.
So this that's a good job also.
First of all is OC.
I think you could I think you've seen some examples that are better than first of all, using the the
cohesive device, not always in the beginning, but using it here is really good.
In addition is OC using a reference pronoun helps to really improve the cohesion along with this.
That's also a good way of improving it.
And then apart from not really apart from this, probably apart from that, pretty good examples, right?
I think we all get the point of how do we really improve our linking, how do we really improve our
cohesive devices.
So we're not looking like we're in the first year of learning English with first second next.
Also another, right, that basic level stuff.
And also I hope that you've seen how we can connect the sentences together, leading from one sentence
to the next.
Again, the purpose of linking is to help with progression.
You have progression of your ideas and then you have linking.
That helps progress from idea to idea.
And here we have some other.
In short.
Fossil fuel engines promote environmental contamination through carbon dioxide emissions.
By and large, this carbon dioxide pollutes through a greenhouse effect and acid rain when mixed with
air moisture, along with carbon dioxide pollutants, gas powered engines, birth nitrogen oxide that
discharges airborne toxic brown gas.
This oxide combines with hydrocarbons to generate B fouling ozone.
Notwithstanding these points, a further potent reason exists to exchange petrol based engines outside
of pollution.
Now, what am I doing with this last sentence?
Because this last sentence really showed linking.
What am I doing with this last sentence?
Who knows what I'm doing with this last sentence?
Because you're not only trying to link sentences.
What am I doing here?
Yeah, Chirag.
That's what I'm doing.
I'm introducing the next paragraph.
I'm leading into the next paragraph.
I'm not summarizing this paragraph.
Right.
I'm not summarizing this paragraph.
I'm linking this paragraph to the next paragraph.
That is coherence.
That is cohesion.
Right?
Linking from paragraph to paragraph.
So, I mean, a lot of times people think they're they're doing coherence and doing cohesion just by
talking about first, second, third, next.
And that's that's I mean, that's basic level of coherence and cohesion.
You know, you can't do basic level stuff and expect to be a seven plus score.
You have to be able to show all this different types of of cohesion and coherence.
And I'm not trying to make some of you all feel bad about what you're doing, but you need to really
know how do I make myself look like a seven plus writer to an examiner?
You can have basic level skills, but if you know how to make yourself look like a seven plus person,
you can improve your score.
All right.
So now we have progressed.
We have shown we have fixed the topic sentence.
We have shown clear progression.
We have fixed weak language.
We have fixed the linking.
What else can we do?
We're not finished yet.
For.
That's low level linking versus high level linking.
And you can go ahead and take a look at that.
Let's look at a sentence variety.
Writers look a sentence variety.
And how can we really improve the sentence variety?
Again, if you look at the rubric, just look at the rubric and see what it says.
If a student is writing a lot of simple sentences, you're going to get a 5.5 for your grammar.
If you're writing compound and complex sentences and making mistakes in doing it, you're going to have
a six in your grammar.
If you're writing compound and complex sentences, the right of writing them correctly, you're more
close to a 6.5 in your grammar.
If you have a range of compound, complex and some other types of sentences, now you're moving up into
7.5 and eight level.
So you have to understand sentence variety and this paragraph here that we're looking at, we need to
really improve the sentence variety.
How do we add sentence variety to this paragraph?
Let's see if we can do that and make the paragraph better.
So we're talking about sentence variety and how to improve sentence variety.
So let's take a look at that because we want to show the examiner that we're not a basic level English
student.
When the examiner looks at our writing, we want them to look at it and say immediately, okay, I know
this person is not a five or six.
I can see their sentence variety and know they don't even belong in that category.
When you have low sentence variety, it makes your writing very monotonous.
Monotonous writing, monotonous paragraphs and sentences reflect very little skill.
There's a lot of repetition of the same sentence pattern over and over and over again.
It decreases emphasis.
It makes you look weak, and I don't want you to look weak.
So let's take a look at what some students did in terms of being able to increase their variety.
This one has good variety.
They're using a correlative conjunction with not only, but also.
And then here they're making a compound sentence by using because.
So they're doing a really good job.
Actually, I think they're trying to make a comp.
This one is actually I think Campbell's did this one.
Campbell's this is too long.
Everybody, I want to give you an example of when a sentence is too long.
Like, I know what you're trying to do.
Campbell's, I think this is Campbell's, but you made the sentence too long.
And when you make a sentence too long, it becomes hard to read.
Gasoline powered engines burst, nitrogen nitrogen oxide that discharges airborne toxic gases because
this oxide combines with hydrocarbons to generate ozone pollution.
Period.
Stop, stop right here.
Ozone pollution, stop.
But you didn't stop.
You just kept on going.
And now you have entered the realm of confusion.
And notwithstanding these points, a further pertinent reason to exist to swap out petrol based engines
outside of That's too much, man.
You made the sentence too long.
Somebody is going to have to read that two or three times to kind of put it all together.
So super long doesn't mean better.
Right.
I think this next one is designed and Hassan did a pretty good job.
He made a complex sentence.
This carbon dioxide pollutes to a greenhouse effect and acid rain when mixed with air moisture.
Gasoline powered engine birth.
Nitrogen oxides.
So compound sentence.
Then we have a conditional sentence, which is really good.
Hassan So when I look at this, I see the student has a right to see.
This student belongs in a seven category.
Right now.
This one might be by Bhavana and Bhavana did something I liked.
She started out with a correlative conjunction, which is good.
They actually used a really great one.
This is a sentence I like.
While the former results in acid rain with mixed with air moisture, the latter combining with hydrocarbons
creates ozone pollution.
That is a that is like a high level sentence right there, making a complaint, making a complex sentence,
and then using former and latter correctly, then ending with a transition sentence to the next paragraph.
Now you're talking about people doing like 8 to 9 level work.
And here we have another one.
Also, in short, because we're using we have a complex sentence here.
In addition, researchers say birth dioxide, you know, the first one, they changed it to a complex.
But everybody gets the point.
Again, we want to show sentence variety.
I put some of these examples here from other students so that you can learn about different ways you
can do sentence variety.
Like I said, I really like what Bhavana did in terms of, you know, using former and ladder.
I think that was great.
But I hope you all get the point in terms of what we're trying to do or trying to show you.
Right here.
We're looking at where we're using when complex while complex along with this is a complex form compound.
And so this one also has upgraded sensors variety.
I think what you all saw from what Bhuvan did in terms of using former and ladder, I think that was
very talented.
I mean, you've seen some of the things that you've seen some of the things that have been done in terms
of being able to improve Cintas variety and what that looks like, what better sensors variety looks
like.
This is this is where we're we're still working on this one paragraph.
And I'm trying to show you how you can just mine a paragraph to be able to make your writing better.
See what a lot of students do, and I'm going to go on a diatribe for a moment because this is something
that's going to be frustrating to see people think they're going to get better by just right, right,
right, right, right, right, right, right, right.
I'll just write 50 essays and then I keep getting the same score.
That's not going to make you better.
Right?
Take take one of your essays and do what I'm doing right now.
Work the heck out of that one essay, you know, improving it, improving it, improving it, improving
it, doing what I'm doing, you know, mining and adjusting and fixing and repairing and upgrading your
one essay instead of writing 50 essays and doing the same mistakes over and over and over again.
If you do what I'm doing right now to just one of your essays and you work the heck out of that one
essay, you're improving your skill level, you're doing things that are making you better according
to the rubric.
Then when you do the next essay.
You'll be able to make sure you carry over what you've done.
The reason why some of you don't get better is you just look at you might look at your mistakes or look
at what a grammar check tells you, and then you'll just write another one, and that's why you're not
getting better.
So we've done Cintas Variety and we've looked at Cintas Variety in terms of what does that look like
in terms of average Cintas variety and higher level or better Cintas variety?
But we have one more problem.
We have one more problem with this with this paragraph.
And the paragraph is not necessarily addressing the question directly.
Is indirectly addressing the question.
Is not directly addressing the question.
So how do we make this paragraph?
More directly answer the question.
This is one of the biggest problems that I see in writing.
Writing a paragraph that indirectly addresses the question and doesn't directly address address the
question.
This is very often what keeps people from reaching.
Like you might be able to get to a seven or a 7.5, but you're not going to get to an eight, 8.5 or
nine if you can't address the question.
You won't even make it above a seven, to be honest with you.
You have to be able to do that.
So how do we do that?
How do we make this paragraph directly?
Answer the question.
Let's let's try to do that.
Okay.
So everybody is look at this.
Look at this.
So we can understand this is something that examiners if you really talk to them and I know I know some
of them actually personally, I've actually worked with some of them before.
This is a problem.
Right.
So the question technology is constantly being replaced or updated.
Name one technology you would replace.
Now, when we look at the topic, sentence, pollution signifies one significant combustion engine drawback
demanding its replacement.
The big problem here with this paragraph, we see that the author put the word replacement in the topic
sentence like they should, but then look at the rest of the paragraph.
Right.
We see we see the word replacement in the beginning and we see the word or synonym of replacement at
the end.
We needed to blend that language of replacement or exchanging into the other sentences, blend that
in, because it's not just about what technology would you change, you know, not just naming the technology
or the problem with the technology, but why would you replace it?
So that language of replace, we just have it in the topic sentence and then the transition sentence
but is not blended in anywhere else.
If you just blend that language in, it helps with the cohesion and coherence and with your actually
seeming like you're answering the question.
Campbell's did it a little bit and you did it down here at the end.
You know, he added a sentence is because of all that, we do need to replace this technology quickly.
So at least the at least the examiner can see that he's trying to say because of these reasons, we
need to replace it.
So he's kind of answering the question, but really that that sentence he wrote is, it's okay.
That's one way of doing it right here.
The person, you know, kind of rewrote the topic sentence and made two sentences.
And we've talked about replacement, replacement, but again, we didn't really see it blended in and
so it wasn't established.
As Rochelle said in the comment, we didn't establish it enough in the meat of the paragraph.
And so I want to I want to show you what that looks like, because then I think you'll understand what
you really want to try to do and when and when and when, according to the rubric, when they say,
did you answer all parts of the question, what does that mean?
Right?
What does that mean when they say, Did you answer all parts of the question?
This is what that might look like.
Right.
Look at look at what I did here.
All right.
Pollution signifies one significant combustion engine drawback demanding its replacement, whereas replacement.
In short, when driving fossil fuel engine vehicles, operators promote environmental contamination
through carbon dioxide emissions.
Replacing this offending carbon dioxide generating engine cures not only the greenhouse effect, but
also acid rain.
For similar reasons, this motor substitution must transpire as these gasoline powered engines birth
nitrogen oxide that discharges airborne toxic brown gas.
When combined with hydrocarbons, it generates by fouling ozone.
Notwithstanding a further pertinent reason to exchange.
So look.
Do you all see it now?
Do you see how I.
The language that I added into the meat of the paragraph.
How it makes it seem like I'm answering the question.
Right.
A lot.
That's why I say a lot of times people think they're doing great and you're not doing great because
you're not doing this stuff.
You have to be able to see that clear position through the paragraph.
Exactly.
Clear position.
That's what clear position means, right?
That's what clear progression means.
That's what a clear position means.
That's what it means.
You answered all parts of the question is very, very difficult to score seven, eight and nine if you
don't understand what these parts of the rubric mean.
And I saved this I saved this last thing until the end, because it's one of the it's one of the biggest
problems.
That we see in writing and why people don't understand they're not getting the score they want.
Like a lot of you may have looked at this paragraph before and probably most of you, you know, looked
at the paragraph before that we wrote and you probably said, Oh, that's pretty good.
Yeah, I like that.
That looks good.
And it looks good, but it's it's indirect, right?
It's indirect.
And now we're directly answering the question.
And I kind of wanted to save that towards the end, because now you see what a band nine paragraph really
looks like.
This actually is more than bare nine, to be honest with you, because I've just worked the paragraph
until I tried, until I just tried to improve it as much as I can.
And that's what you need to do to your own paragraphs, to your own writing work.
Take one body paragraph and work it.
Work it over.
Stop writing 50 essays.
You don't need to do all of that, right?
So side by side we have an example of the question in directly answered and the question more directly
answered.
Here we see a lot of good things, strong vocabulary, we see sentence variety, we see we see progression,
but it's indirect.
The reader would have to fill in the missing spaces on the other side, with the question being directly
answered, there's nothing to fill in is clear.
All right.
So I hope this was a great benefit to you.
Thank you very much for joining me today.
I hope that you were able to really learn a lot and have a really fantastic day.
Thank you very, very much.